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There was nothing quite like a bath… a long leisurely soak in a hot tub…
Yes, a shower, both sonic and water, are far more efficient and save time, but the point of a bath is neither of those things.
There is an air of anticipation the moment you decide to take a bath rather than a shower. What would it be this time? Bath salts or oils or bubble baths? Do I want to relax with a book or a cup of coffee? Or how about a glass of champagne?
I run the water and add the bath oil of choice – sandalwood with a hint of lemongrass – as I strip off my clothes and put them in a neat pile – old habits die hard.
As I step into the water, it feels too hot but I know that will soon pass as my body adapts to the heat and then welcomes it.
Slowly I sink into the fragrant water, feeling the tension leave my body until I am lying in the bath, with my head cushioned on a rolled up towel (bath pillows never worked for me), eyes closed and a groan of pleasure coming from my very soul.
And then I wonder if the whole anticipation of the bath is culminated in this very moment.
Kathryn Janeway could clearly remember the day she realised that she was falling in love with her First Officer. In fact, she could remember the exact moment.
My awareness of him had been immediate, from the moment I had stepped between him and Tom Paris. The surrounding air had felt charged and my fingers tingled when I laid a gentle yet restraining hand on his chest.
The attraction had followed quickly.
Chakotay was an extremely handsome man so an attraction came as no surprise.
But he was so much more than that.
His humour, always so evident when dealing with Neelix or when I needed something to make me smile, was one of the qualities that I appreciated the most as I first got to know him. His fierce loyalty to those he cared about and what he believed in. His intelligence, with a passion for discovery and teaching that rivalled my own. And later, his gentleness while rocking Naomi Wildman to sleep when her mother needed a break. All these qualities had tugged at me, drawing me deeper into his warmth – like my bathtub water - and slowly I found herself falling under his spell. He made my days brighter without me even realising it until that exact moment.
I had permitted myself the rare indulgence of flirting with him, but I was still engaged at that time and was hoping to still find a way home before Mark gave up on me. What harm could it do? Besides, he flirted back and would flash those dimples at me. It made me feel human.
When had the attraction turned into more?
That day, I remember walking alongside him on the way to the cargo bay discussing who we thought would want to remain on the 37s planet. Chakotay suggested William Jarvin while I thought the adventurous Lt Walter Baxter was a likely candidate… not because he was unhappy on Voyager but because I could imagine him welcoming the challenge of creating a new life on a new planet.
Coming to a halt outside the cargo bay, I hesitated. It was a Schrödinger moment.
“I don't want to lose anyone,” I said to Chakotay. “We've all been through so much together, it just wouldn't seem right… But I couldn't blame anyone, anyone for staying behind…” I paused again. “I'm not sure I want to go in…”
Feeling Chakotay’s reassuring hand on my shoulder, I turned to look at him. “No matter what happens, we'll make it. Remember that.” His voice was so calm, so soothing, so reassuring; his gaze full of understanding.
And that was the moment I knew. I was falling in love with this man and I didn’t know what to do about it.
Seven years stranded in the delta quadrant without any support from home was incredibly difficult. But the day I opened that door and saw the empty cargo bay, I knew things would be okay. It was the start of the crew becoming a family, of accepting that it could take longer to get home than we all hoped. And in the end, we triumphed. Together.
My relationship with my first officer was everything. He supported me, disagreed with me, challenged me, comforted me, fed my body, soothed my soul and, on many days, was the light in my day. I relied on him in ways that defied description but that was exactly what I had to do when we arrived abruptly back in the Alpha Quadrant and I had to give an account of my actions – the whole messy lot.
My crew… who were my family… supported me through this time. They sat through all my debriefing sessions (when it did not clash with theirs) in silent support. And sitting in the front? Chakotay.
It turned out that when he said “always” to me, he had meant it.
Oh yes, before I forget, when did I realise that I was in love with him? When he built me a bathtub and then behaved like a perfect gentleman and left me alone to enjoy it when I could see that he would have loved to join me in the bath. It was too soon for me as I still, in theory, had a fiancé back home in the Alpha Quadrant and I needed to – somehow, if only for myself – break the tie to Mark and let him know, even if it was only in my heart, that I had moved on and I hoped that he had too.
A noise in the bedroom draws me out of my thoughts. I look up as Chakotay steps into the bathroom. “Sandalwood?” he asks, wondering why I haven’t chosen the geranium or citrus aromas that I like.
I nod, and then send him a wicked half-smile. “It reminds me of you.”
He looks surprised. I’ve never revealed that to him before. How, when I was feeling melancholy or sad, I would use the sandalwood fragrance to make me feel closer to him. An indulgence that I could never tell him. Until now.
Leaning on the doorframe, folding his arms across his chest, a blush tinges his cheeks at my admission. “I wish I had known that you liked the smell of my aftershave. I could have used it to my advantage…” Now he sends me a wicked smile.
“Oh?” I query.
“I would have sneaked into your quarters and put a few drops strategically around the place. Not too much that it would be obvious… Just a little to tease your senses and make you think of me… maybe even dream of me…” another wicked grin, dimples on display and his eyes dancing with merriment, “… try and nudge things along…”
“Ah… a covert operation involving psychological warfare,” I glare at him but he just chuckles at my feigned wrath while his gaze travels up and down my body lying in the water.
And I knowexactly what his thoughts are.
Now he doesn’t have to be the gentleman and leave me to my bath. What his gaze hid all those years ago is now evident in his eyes and I can ask him what I couldn’t then. “Are you just going to look or are you going to join me? The water has cooled a bit so it won’t be too hot for you…”
He shoots me a sceptical look but is already stripping. He knows how hot I like my water but he’s not about to complain.
I shift forward so he can slide in behind me and I can hear how he sucks in his breath – the water is still too hot for him. And then he’s sitting behind me and he pulls me into his embrace and for a moment, we are content in each other’s arms. That will change in a minute or two as he starts to kiss me in the neck and whisper into my ear the plans he has for us, but for now, I am enjoying the wonder of the two of us here, now and being able to lie in this tub together.
And I know that he still makes my days brighter.
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