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Sarah was a Girl Scout. Joel started her out in kindergarten, joined a troop–they were called Daisies at that age. He was desperate to get her some friends, and her teacher had mentioned the troop in a parent-teacher meeting.
“Sarah is having trouble adjusting to a school environment,” the kind woman had said softly. Mrs. Knight looked down at her stack of papers, tapping a portion of Sarah’s progress report. “She doesn’t seem confident, and it looks like she’s too shy to make friends.”
Joel felt his battered heart tear further. Every second of every day he worried over Sarah, tried to give her the best life he could scrape together; he had one job, and it felt like he was failing at it. He was exhausted, bone tired from work and run ragged by his concern for his little girl. He felt out of place in this kindergarten classroom, like his dark eyebags didn’t fit in with the light and bright poster board hung around the room. He looked desperately at the woman sitting behind a brightly colored desk. “What can I do to help her?”
Mrs. Knight pulled out another piece of paper with a sympathetic smile. “I wrote out some suggestions that I think you could explore,” she said gently. The paper, handwritten in purple pen, listed clubs for children, with contact numbers on each line. Joel could cry. He looked up at the teacher, and she seemed nervous, as if she hadn’t just handed Joel a lifejacket.
“Thank you,” he pushed out past the lump in his throat.
He didn't have to say more. She could tell what he meant.
—
The meetings were held at a house two neighborhoods over, hosted by the Johnson family. Their daughter, Rose, was in Sarah’s class. Mrs. Johnson was happy to add Sarah to their little troop. Sarah was not so eager.
Joel held her small hand as they stood on the porch of the Johnson house, protected from the light drizzle that accompanied the gray clouds of the afternoon. Joel could hear laughter inside, but Sarah had stopped him from ringing the doorbell. She clung tightly to his pant legs (Joel had dug out his one good pair of slacks for this event, just as he had wrangled Sarah into her best dress. He wanted to make a good impression, okay?). Her deep caramel eyes turned upwards, and it took everything in Joel to stop him from scooping her up and back into the car. But this was important, he reminded himself. He crouched down to be eye level with his daughter, and saw the tears threatening to spill over her.
“What’s wrong, caterpillar?” He asked softly, using her favorite new nickname–her class had learned about butterflies a few weeks ago.
“I don’t wanna go.” She pouted, crowding into Joel’s personal space.
“I know baby, but it’s gonna be fine, I promise.” He lifted his arms to curl around her shaking back. “The kids are nice, and I’ll be here the whole time,” he emphasized.
“Promise?”
“I swear, babygirl.”
One resolute sniff was all the indication Joel got that she had heard him. He stood back and rang the doorbell, smoothing a wrinkle in his slacks while he vibrated with nervous energy. A small hand reached up into his.
“Well, hello there!” A very cheerful Mrs. Johnson opened the door, her youngest daughter balanced on her hip. “Come in, come in!” She gestured them in excitedly, stepping back so Joel could usher Sarah into the foyer.
“The girls are playing in the living room, and we have some snacks set up in the kitchen. The actual meeting doesn’t start for a little bit, take your time to settle in!” Joel appreciated her confidence, if only because Sarah seemed to like her. They took off their shoes (Sarah with some help) and stepped into the living room tentatively, hands still clasped.
The sound levels were… not low, to say the least. Joel counted at least 10 girls crawling across the sofas and floor, many singing along to the Disney playlist blasting from a CD player on the center table. Sarah shrank back at the sound and spectacle, hiding almost completely behind Joel’s legs. He bent down to her level again, ignoring the groan in his knees.
“Hey, it’s alright, babygirl.” His comment went unanswered. Her large eyes stared across the room, clearly nervous. Abandoning any pretense of dignity, Joel clambered down to a seated position on the carpet, pulling Sarah to sit on his lap, muttering soft assurances in her ear. She didn’t talk, but relaxed marginally. He finally picked out the song that was playing under all the shrieking.
Tranquil as a forest,
But a fire within,
Once you find your center,
You are sure to win!
“Hey, you know this song!” Sarah perked up at his voice as he softly sang along. She had been obsessed with Mulan , and both of them could probably sing this song in their sleep at this point. He poked her belly gently, encouraging her to sing along. At first under her breath, then more proudly at the chorus, Sarah joined in.
Sometime around the second chorus, Rose, the Johnson girl, came over, singing along and waving a plastic wand. She smiled at Sarah as she sang, and wonder of all wonders, Sarah smiled back. A song later, Sarah had tentatively stood up, joining a small circle of girls devoted entirely to singing along with the Disney songs. Joel’s heart and eyes shone brighter than the sun as her shoulders relaxed and her voice picked up.
Once he was confident in her preoccupation with the Mulan soundtrack, Joel picked himself up off the floor and moved to join the adults in the kitchen, keeping himself in Sarah’s sight at all times. Stepping into the kitchen, Joel found himself surrounded by a dozen mothers. A few years ago, Joel would have felt nervous as the only dad, but years of single fatherhood had taught him to embrace his Girl Dad status. He happily shook hands and introduced himself to all the parents, and was quickly accepted once his dedication to Sarah became clear. As he was pulled into a planning discussion for the upcoming meetings, he glanced over his shoulder at Sarah, and found her jumping alongside five girls in tiaras, somehow wielding another plastic wand from god-knows-where. The smile on her face stitched closed an old tear in his heart.
—
Sarah outgrew her shyness like a pair of old shoes. By the time she had graduated from Daisies to Brownies, then Brownies to Juniors, she was firmly embedded in the troop. All of the girls went to her school, and Joel was relieved to his core when she started regularly spending time with them even outside of troop meetings. The first sleepover hosted at the Miller household, while a nuisance to clean (11-year olds and popcorn don’t mix), was a balm on his nervous soul.
Sarah loved earning badges. She had the most hiking and camping related badges in the troop thanks to family camping experience, and she eagerly took up new challenges to add a new colorful badge to her sash. Robotics, First Aid, Leadership. Geocaching, Archery, Public Speaking. Joel dutifully ironed on each badge throughout middle school, and when she graduated from the Cadette to the Senior group, he stood nervously behind her as she tried her hand at ironing them herself.
Sarah loved every part of scouting, and Joel loved supporting her. He was overjoyed when the troop leaders invited him to lead the girls in earning their Woodworking badge. But his favorite part was the yearly Father-Daughter dance.
Once Sarah took up both soccer and scouting, she was busy. Really, really busy, so much that he rarely got to see her between her practices and meetings and his work, a fact that he would lament long after she was gone. The dances, however, meant that he got to spend an entire evening with his little girl. She took the events very seriously, picking out her favorite dress and choosing a tie for Joel from his (very, very limited) collection. He bought her a corsage whenever there was money to spare. And the one year Joel was too sick to go, Tommy happily filled in, making sure Sarah always got her special night.
At their first dance, Sarah was still only waist-high; when they danced, she stood on Joel’s feet and let him guide them around the dance floor. As she grew taller she taught him a few dance moves (another badge), but the quality of the dance meant nothing to either of them. All that mattered was that they were together.
Three weeks after their final dance, they parted ways on a grassy hill.
Ellie did not like Jackson. Sure, she liked the safety of it, and she liked the growing realization that Joel was sticking by her side, but she didn’t have any friends here. Not that she’d had many friends in the QZ, but still. She was alone, and it worried Joel. He sat in Tommy and Maria’s living room, feeling like was back in that kindergarten classroom all those years ago as he choked out his concerns.
“You know,” Maria started, bouncing baby Julia in her lap, “I think some of the parents in town are trying to start up a Girl Scout troop. Ellie might like that, especially since it might involve some trips outside the walls.”
That perked Joel’s ears. Ok, the trips outside Jackson did not make him excited, but Ellie had been antsy about getting outside, and maybe the prospect of these trips (assumedly heavily chaperoned) could lure her into making new friends.
“I think it’s a good idea,” Tommy piped up. “It’d get her involved in the community, a few new friends, some independence.” Tommy knew that his brother might be apprehensive; sometimes thinking about Sarah still made Joel shaky, and he knew his big brother would be remembering another little girl in a badge-covered sash.
“I… I’ll ask her about it.”
—
When Ellie heard about the troop, she was surprisingly amenable. Of course, the prospect of Outside had basically guaranteed her agreement; but she was also intrigued by badges. One of the scavenging groups had come across a storage facility with scouting materials, and in a rare moment of sentimentality had brought back a bag of unused badges. Ellie had never had many things that were hers. In the QZ, everything she owned was either standard FEDRA gear or stolen goods; she had never earned something like that.
Ellie’s first Girl Scout meeting was painfully familiar to Joel. The group had congregated in the cafeteria, with the tables and chairs pushed to the walls and one circle of chairs left in the center. Most of the kids had grown up in Jackson and thus knew each other; Ellie knew nobody. She stopped abruptly in the doorway, causing Joel, who had been walking behind her, to accidentally slam into her back with a soft ooph . She held her ground, looking nervously at the teenage girls chattering amongst themselves.
“What’s wrong?” Joel asked quickly, sensing the tension in her shoulders.
Ellie didn’t answer. It felt silly, to be honest. She had faced down Clickers, she should be able to talk to a few teenagers. But she stood paralyzed.
She didn’t have to explain that to Joel.
“Hey, look at me.” Moving forward to stand beside the teen, Joel still hunched to look Ellie in the eye. “I promise it’s gonna be okay.” She started to protest, but he knew what was coming. “I know, I know, you’re worried they won’t like you. But we can’t let our fear stop us from trying new things. I really think you could enjoy this. And if, after a few meetings, you really don’t like it, you don’t have to keep going. Just give it a chance, for me?”
Ellie had always worn her emotions on her sleeve, and he could see the conflict going on in her eyes. He also saw the decision made as soon as he said his last two words. She huffed out an anxious breath and surveyed the room again, before setting her shoulders and stepping inside. Honestly, it looked more like she was about to face down a room of infected than a room of her peers, but nevertheless Joel trailed behind, giving her space as he walked to the parent’s corner.
She sat silently at one of the empty chairs, practically unnoticed by her peers. She didn't say anything, and Joel was worried that she wouldn’t. After a few moments of tense shoulders and copious glances over her shoulder at Joel, she seemed to make a decision. She slung to the familiar backpack off her back (it never seemed to be far from her in public) and scrounged around in the large pocket, eventually pulling a book out with a flourish. Joel nearly barked out a laugh when he saw the well-worn pun book make its appearance. She leafed through the pages, carefully selecting the perfect pun, before squaring her shoulders and sitting up straight, turning towards the group of girls.
“Hey guys,” she called out. All heads turned in her direction expectantly. “Why shouldn’t you fight with a dinosaur?” Slightly confused silence, but Ellie’s smile remained. “Because you’ll get jurasskicked!”
Joel had never been so relieved to hear a room of teenage girls laugh.
—
Ellie was a badge-collecting machine. Older, more threadbare shirts from the Jackson clothing pile had been converted into vests and sashes, and Ellie’s vest was quickly filling up. She tagged along with Joel and Tommy to job sites to earn her woodworking badge; she watched Julia to earn her babysitting badge; she didn’t even have to practice before completing the tests for her firearms badge (admittedly not an actual Girl Scout badge– the troop leaders of Jackson had adapted some of the patches to represent skills that would be more relevant to post-apocalypse life). She was invigorated, bounding home from school with a friend in tow to set out on a new mission every other day. There was a spark in her eyes and a bounce in her step that Joel had never seen.
—
In early fall, the Girl Scouts of Jackson announced that they would be hosting their first annual father-daughter dance.
Ellie… had no idea what that meant.
“It’s not like we have a lot of dances in the QZ!” she hollered over Joel’s chuckles.
“I know, I know,” he placated as he caught his breath. “It’s pretty simple though, everyone gets dressed up, and they listen to music and dance. Sometimes there were snacks involved. Really, it’s a bonding opportunity for girls and their dads. Sarah and I used to go every year.”
Ellie paused. While Joel had opened up significantly about his first daughter, she still held each new admission like a delicate ornament, liable to shatter if she said the wrong thing. She knew Sarah had been a Girl Scout–Joel explained that to her when she’d questioned his qualifications as a badge ironer–but something about the way Joel looked down at his coffee cup as he mentioned their dances indicated that this was still a tender memory.
“So,” Joel huffed, breaking the growing silence, “do you want to go?”
Ellie’s brain broke. Yeah, she knew Joel and her were basically family at this point. But she couldn’t help the surprise, and the pride, that he wanted them to go to a father-daughter dance. That they were father and daughter. Ellie had never been a dress-up type of girl, but nothing could make her reject that kind of offer.
—
The troop of girls used their next meeting to raid the Jackson clothing store for outfits. Admittedly, the choices for formal dresses were highly limited, but anything fancier than a shirt and jeans was a rarity for most post-apocalypse teens. Plus, Mrs. Gupta down the street had offered to help the girls alter and embellish their dresses, an act of kindness that had earned her top priority from Joel whenever she needed something fixed around the house.
Ellie had never worn a dress in her life. She tried one on, a knee-length blue tunic, and looked in the mirror with… honestly, confusion. How are dresses supposed to look? Is this right?
Stepping out into the main floor of the shop, she turned to her friends. A year ago she would have turned tail and run away before ever stepping in front of her peers like this; she could barely imagine what Bethany and the other QZ girls would say if they could see her now. But she wasn’t in the QZ, and these girls were nothing like Bethany and her cronies. They smiled when they saw her, and instantly showered her with compliments. Finally, Ellie had friends–good friends.
Ultimately, Ellie didn’t go with the blue dress- one of her newer friends, Shreya, had found a burgundy jumpsuit with pockets , and had turned it over to Ellie immediately with a grin. Ellie didn’t stop smiling all afternoon.
—
The dance itself was a pretty big event by Jackson’s standards. The cafeteria had been cleared out and heavily decorated (Event Decoration Badge: earned) with twinkle lights and paper cutouts. Someone had donated platters of baked treats, and someone else had prepared lemonade.
With Ellie at Shreya’s house getting ready, Joel and Tommy were left to prepare together; despite little Julia being far too young to join the troop, Tommy had been invited to bring her to the dance, a request he had accepted with misty eyes. Neither brother had worn a tie in two decades, so it took quite a while to get ready, a fact that both would deny adamantly if asked later.
“We clean up good, big brother.” Tommy stared into the small mirror on the wall. For a brief moment, he was getting ready for his senior prom, with his older brother helping him tuck his handkerchief while wrangling a small Sarah. But this wasn’t Texas, and the little girl in the play pen behind them wasn’t Sarah. But maybe things were okay anyways.
—
Time to fess up: Joel cried when he saw Ellie all dressed up. Can you blame the guy? His kid had been through hell on earth, and she was finally able to dress up with her friends and dance. She had her hair up in a complicated braided bun and both arms were linked with friends on either side of her. She was happy. So Joel was happy, because his little girl deserved the world.
Ellie didn’t know how to dance, but that didn’t matter. Joel had plenty of experience leading his kid through slow dances, guiding her to step on his toes as he swept her in circles. A few feet over, Tommy ‘danced’ with Julia, who was strapped to his chest and staring at the lights. Still, Tommy held her small fists up in both hands like they were dancing, and looked down at her small face like she held the stars in her eyes. Joel looked down at Ellie, who swayed with her eyes closed and arms wrapped around his waist, and felt the exact same way.