Archive of Our Own

Alhaitham knew himself, and he knew himself well. He was exactly as cold and logical as people said. However, despite popular belief, he did experience emotions the same way everyone else did. 

Far more frequently than he’d like. 

He was just an expert at hiding it, rationalizing it. He rarely smiled, and even rarer did he cry. Those expressions solved nothing. 

And perhaps the emotion he felt most yet expressed the least was anger. Fury burned somewhere inside him at all times. It seared the metal around where his heart was meant to be until it shone bright red, warping into something unrecognizable. Anyone who looked would see that, if there was in fact anything behind those walls, it was twisted and wrong. 

Sometimes, Alhaitham wondered where he had misplaced his heart that no one could find it. It was a thought poetic enough Kaveh might have even approved, so he dismissed it soon after.

Other times, he enjoyed it all. His mechanical, stoic persona. It was safe and he was in control. He could almost believe he truly was emotionless, except for the way that statement made him ache.

These were all notions he knew he’d never share with another person. Not if he could help it. But things have a tendency to pile up over time. Eventually, he had to feel something so loudly that someone finally noticed.

—----------------------------------------------

Kaveh and Alhaitham were walking side by side down the streets of Sumeru city. Kaveh was ranting about something or other, hands flying in passionate arcs. Alhaitham hummed along, interjecting his opinion where he felt it necessary and where Kaveh felt it entirely not.

They bickered, but it was friendlier than usual. Tamer. It was a surprisingly peaceful conclusion to a rather long day. Thus, it came naturally for Alhaitham to let his guard down a little. 

So when Kaveh got distracted and ran off, sprinting to a stall to hold up an object that caught his interest, large grin plastered on his face, Alhaitham let himself smile back. It was small but genuine. An allowance he didn’t usually give himself.

Kaveh froze when he saw it.

He blinked at the taller man, eyes wide, red creeping up his face. 

The next time he spoke, it was rushed, almost frantic, and he laughed uncomfortably. 

“Wow, I think this might be the most emotion I’ve ever seen on your face!”

And Alhaitham felt like he had just slammed into a brick wall. In his mind, he could acknowledge it was probably the truth, but hearing it out loud was a different matter entirely. 

He turned away from his still visibly nervous roommate and scoffed. A scowl slid effortlessly back into place.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he replied, dismissive and arrogant. 

Kaveh laughed and thought that sounded like a challenge if he’d ever heard one. A challenge to bring that smile back at all costs. Somehow though, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he said something he shouldn’t have. 

Alhaitham vowed to keep a closer watch over what he let slip under his radar in the future.

—--------------------------------------------------

Alhaitham had barely opened the door when the confrontation began. 

“What did you do to Laleh?” Kaveh demanded by way of greeting.

“Who?” 

“What do you mean ‘who’?! My Kshahrewar junior, the girl you made cry earlier today!”

“Ah, her,” Alhaitham replied, taking off his cape and tossing his keys into the small bowl they kept near the entrance.

Kaveh tapped his foot obnoxiously, arms crossed over his chest. 

“Yes, her. Now tell me what you did.”

Alhaitham cast him a disparaging sideways glance and strode past him to the living room. “It sounds to me like you’re already well aware of what happened. Why do I need to recount the events for your benefit?”

He very much did not want to try to explain his version of the story to his presumptuous roommate. That woman’s crocodile tears were doubtlessly effective on the gullible architect. 

“Fine, then I’ll tell you what happened.” 

In hindsight, this outcome seemed potentially worse than what he had initially expected. 

“That is unnecessary, seeing as how I was there when it took place,” he argued, settling onto one of their couches with an unopened book in hand. 

“No, this is completely necessary. Clearly, there are some things you did not understand about what transpired!” Kaveh’s voice rose in pitch as well as volume. Alhaitham resisted the urge to adjust the settings on his hearing aids, knowing it would only serve to escalate things further.

“Have you considered that perhaps, as always, you are the one misunderstanding something?” he questioned drily. 

Kaveh turned his nose away. “Impossible,” he replied with full confidence. He turned an accusing finger back on his roommate. “Stop distracting me with petty arguments!”

Alhaitham refrained from his usual biting instinct to ask ‘isn’t that what this whole thing is?’

“Alright. If it will get you to shut up faster, tell me what you think you know.” He leaned back in his seat and crossed one leg over the other, eyes locked on Kaveh’s determined glare. Even when angry, his red eyes shone a passionate light. 

He knew Kaveh was also choking back his instinctual responses in order to stay on topic. 

“Archons know why, but Laleh went to you for advice on a gift she was making to confess to the man she loved.” Archons know why, but she went to him because she thought the two of them to be kindred spirits or some other nonsense. “You told her it was ‘frivolous and that her work would suffer from her wandering mind in the face of useless emotions.’”                                                                                                                    

“And you think I spoke something incorrect?”

“This is hardly the worst part, Alhaitham. You told her it was worthless anyway because her confession would never get the response she was hoping for! Who are you to say such a thing?” Of course that was the part Kaveh was upset about. Always a romantic at heart. 

Unfortunately, he really was missing a lot of the story. 

The man Laleh was in love with, Arash, often worked near Alhaitham in the House of Daena with a friend or two by his side. Thus, he had overheard a multitude of complaints of increasing concern about the woman who was stalking him.

In fairness, the machine she wanted to make would have been useful, but her intentions belied its nature. After observing Arash for so long, she noticed that he started favoring his left hand in most circumstances. If he held a pencil in his right for too long it would tense and start to spasm. 

Based on these observations, she consulted with someone from Bimarstan and began designing a glove that would react to internal signs of muscle stress and apply pressure in what it deigned a problem area.

Alhaitham simply couldn’t imagine Laleh being capable of completing such a tiresome project by herself, especially without tampering with the final product in some way before presenting it to the man of her affections. 

“Who are you to say my analysis is wrong? She came to me for advice and I gave it to her. I don’t see how it’s any of your business,” he replied tersely and stood up from the couch.

He headed straight for his bedroom, set on leaving this conversation behind in favor of finally reading his book. 

Kaveh clicked his tongue, realizing he would get nothing else out of the taller man, and brushed past him on his way to his own room. 

“Sometimes I wonder, are you even human?”

Alhaitham froze, hand still on the doorknob.

It was something Kaveh had asked many times before, but never with so much contempt. 

Alhaitham hid the way he cringed at the question by stepping inside and closing the door quietly behind him. 

—--------------------------------------------------

“I heard a rumor recently that quite surprised me, I have to admit,” Kaveh said, apropos of nothing.

Alhaitham flipped to the next page and did not respond.

He had a faint idea which rumor that would be and was not looking forward to whatever his roommate had to say about it. 

Of course, as always, Kaveh continued despite the lack of acknowledgement. 

“Did you really punch one of the professors at the Akademiya?”

Alhaitham sighed, finally directing his attention to the blond man. He was leaned forward in his seat, elbows resting on his knees, a strange expression on his face. If Alhaitham had to guess, he’d call it a mixture of excited curiosity and belligerent skepticism.

“Yes, I did.”

He turned another page. 

He startled when, instead of the frustration he expected, Kaveh laughed. 

At that, Alhaitham even went so far as to lower the book from in front of his face. One eyebrow raised. 

“Oh wow,” Kaveh chuckled, “I wish I could have seen that.”

Alhaitham wondered what could possibly be a better sight than this. He gave himself another second to admire the rare curve of Kaveh’s smile, then turned back to the page he left off on.

“What was he doing this time? I mean, we all know that guy is a scumbag, but it must have been really bad to get the stuck-up scribe's attention,” Kaveh mocked but his tone stayed light.

“He was harassing a student in front of my office door,” he answered, still wary of his roommate’s high spirits. “When I tried to enter, he dragged me into his conversation. Doubtlessly, he was just looking for someone else to justify his actions. Unfortunately for him, he seemed to have forgotten that he, rather unsuccessfully, attempted the same thing when I was a student.”

Kaveh’s expression turned pensive. 

“Wait, do you mean he asked for your opinion like today, or he tried to harass you as well?” Concern creased his forehead. 

“The latter, though it went so poorly it hardly qualifies,” Alhaitham replied bluntly. “Besides, that’s irrelevant. He was in my way and refused to be moved by reason.”

Kaveh snorted. “Of course. I should know better by now than to be worried about you. Although that brings up another question.” He paused. The scribe refused to rise to the bait. 

“Would you have helped that student if all of this had happened somewhere else? If the professor hadn’t had the bad luck of standing in front of your door specifically?”

Alhaitham paused. His brow furrowed, and he had a sinking feeling this was some sort of test. One he was bound to fail. The silence stretched on while Kaveh gave him the space to think. 

He remembered a voice whispering in his ear, hands trailing down his arm, and a bolt of fear before he pushed away a man twenty years his senior. A man he was supposed to respect. 

He remembered the weeks afterward with no one to talk to, no one who believed his accusations. 

That was when he first learned the necessity of irrefutable proof. 

He understood all of that, yet he couldn’t fight the thought that, had it occurred anywhere else, he would have almost certainly called it none of his business and moved on. 

By now, all traces of joy had fled Kaveh’s face and only a resigned disappointment remained. Evidence that he really had so little faith in Alhaitham’s character. 

Despite that, he stood up with a flourish and patted Alhaitham once on the shoulder. 

“Well, either way, you did something good today. I’m proud of you,” he said with a smile. 

Alhaitham didn’t know how to respond to that. A dull ache spread through his chest and his shoulder grew cold where Kaveh had touched it. 

Oblivious to the consequences of his actions, his roommate ambled back to his bedroom, the click of his door echoing in his ears.

“...Do you really see me as some kind of unfeeling machine?” he muttered to himself. Something bitter crawled its way behind his teeth. 

Would Kaveh be wrong to?

—--------------------------------------------------

Alhaitham couldn’t sleep. Such occasions were infrequent considering his rigorous adherence to schedule, but they still happened. 

On these nights, he stumbled blearily to the kitchen, doing his best to avoid any hazards he or Kaveh forgot to clean up that day. In minutes, a pot of tea was set to boil on the kettle. 

Once made, he found his way to the living room where he practically crumpled onto one of their couches. 

He had only sat in his weary haze for a short time before Kaveh appeared, yawning in his own doorway. The light remained on in his room, an indicator that he probably hadn’t slept yet either. 

Alhaitham raised his warm mug in acknowledgement and a silent offer to take the rest of the tea in the kitchen. Another minute later and Kaveh sat across from him, nursing his own cup between unsteady hands.

Both were reluctant to speak up first, perfectly aware of the potentially disastrous results. Still, someone had to give in first, and that someone was usually Kaveh.

“So… couldn’t sleep?” he asked, then grimaced.

“How observant of you,” the other mumbled.

Kaveh sighed. “Yeah, me neither.”

Even half asleep, Alhaitham took note of how often it sounded like the two of them were having completely different conversations.

“You don’t usually leave your room if you’re struggling with a project,” he observed.

“I heard you moving around and figured you wouldn’t mind if I joined you for a little.”

“So you’re here for… what exactly? Comfort?” Alhaitham asked, incredulous.

Kaveh snorted derisively. “If I needed comfort, you’re the last person I’d go to. You don’t care about anyone else besides yourself.”

Alhaitham scoffed, filter gone for the night.

“When has anyone else ever cared about me?” 

A second too late, he realized what he had said. 

Kaveh opened his mouth, to agree or to argue he wasn’t sure. Alhaitham interrupted him.

“There isn’t anyone else I need to care about,” he amended. “Or am I meant to forfeit the shirt off my back to every sob story on the street until I have nothing left, like a certain ‘light of the Kshahrewar’ I could mention?”

He received a tired glare for his efforts. 

“You’re so obvious…” Kaveh grumbled.

With no response forthcoming, they drifted back into silence. Alhaitham released a sigh of relief and let himself relax once more, happy to avoid that conversation for at least a little longer. 

—--------------------------------------------------

The scribe didn’t stop thinking about what the architect said for a few days after that incident. 

If I needed comfort, you’re the last person I’d go to.

It made sense. It should have made Alhaitham happy. People upset or crying just made him uncomfortable. It was for the best that none sought him out in those situations. And yet…

You’re the last person I’d go to. 

It rang in his head like the ricochet of a gunshot.

Nevertheless, life moved on. The Akademiya decided to host some kind of event promoting camaraderie between darshans which also somehow led to Alhaitham’s workload increasing exponentially. 

He’d stayed overnight once already and felt the telltale pressure of a migraine building behind his eyes. A stack of papers loomed on the side of his desk, waiting to be looked over in order to feel comfortable leaving for the day. 

Eventually, he had to admit defeat, only managing to struggle through a few more. Dragging himself home afterwards proved as slow and painful as pulling Kaveh from the tavern after a long night. Orange and purple already streaked the sky. 

He knew as soon as he opened the front door that something was wrong.

A pile of discarded accessories and drawing utensils blocked his path forward. All the blinds were drawn. The faint smell of lavender drifted through the air. That only meant one thing. Kaveh’s ‘comfort candles’, as he called them, had been lit. 

The scent did little to comfort Alhaitham’s growing headache. 

Kaveh’s form draped across the couch, one arm over his eyes and an unopened bottle of wine on the table, only made another part of him ache. 

It appeared neither of them had a very good day.

The taller man approached cautiously, uncertain if his roommate was asleep or just resting. It wasn’t good to fall asleep with lit candles, but that lecture could wait for another time.

When Kaveh did not stir, an idea struck.

Maybe for once, just this once, Alhaitham could seek out the physical comfort he so desperately wanted. He could play it off as him comforting the other while proving he was capable of doing so. Two birds with one stone, as they say, and with the added benefit of keeping his dignity intact. 

These thoughts in mind, he reached out one trembling hand, unsure what exactly he meant to do with it. Place it on Kaveh’s shoulder maybe. Whatever his intention, he never found out.

Before he even made contact, the older man flinched back. His eyes had flickered open while Alhaitham wasn’t looking. Teal eyes met bright red, shock clear in both.

Alhaitham quickly retracted his arm. Kaveh tracked its movement, expression unreadable. 

Suddenly in a hurry, he forced himself to sitting just so he could stand and push past Alhaitham on his way out the door. 

Just like that, the house became empty. 

Alhaitham shivered and wrapped both arms around himself. 

So much for that plan.

He told himself it didn’t mean anything. It didn’t contradict any of his existing information. His experiment was simply flawed. He comforted himself that maybe Kaveh’s reaction had nothing to do with him. Maybe he just didn’t enjoy being touched when he was in a bad mood. If that was the case, it couldn’t be helped. 

No matter the reason, he vowed to visit Lambad’s in a couple hours to make sure the fool didn’t give himself alcohol poisoning. 

. . .

Exactly thirty minutes later, the scribe left their house. Worry did nothing to ease the pain in his temple, so he obviously had to get rid of that before he had any hope of relaxing.

It didn’t take long to reach the tavern. Alhaitham would swear Kaveh’s voice carried throughout the whole city with how loud that man complained. The sound reached his ears well before he laid eyes on him. Immediately, he wished he hadn’t come.

Kaveh’s back was to him, which was just as well since Alhaitham had no idea what kind of face he must have been making at that moment. He watched him throw one arm carelessly around Tighnari’s shoulder while one leg snaked its way around Cyno’s under the table. Gesturing wildly with his free arm, he only stopped to take a sip of his wine or grab hold of one of his friends’ hands. 

Huh. I guess I am the problem , Alhaitham thought.

He turned and left the same way he came in.

—--------------------------------------------------

Alhaitham will never understand why Kaveh insists on asking his opinion on whatever project occupied his time this month. He never seriously considered his constructive criticism. He honestly treated it more like a guideline of what not to do. It almost always devolved into an argument, oftentimes completely unrelated to the original question. 

Which is why Alhaitham had no idea how they ended up at this point.

“How terribly unromantic!” Kaveh gasped, clasping a hand over his heart dramatically. “Those are the words of someone who has never been in love.”

“I have,” he bit back, for once not thinking of the other man’s reaction.

“The infamous genius scribe of the Akademiya? In love? Doubtful.”

Alhaitham’s brow furrowed, lips tightening to a thin line. “Why do you find it so hard to believe?” 

“I just don’t believe you’re capable of such a thing,” Kaveh responded flippantly. Thoughtlessly. When no immediate response came, he smoothly resumed working on his project.

Alhaitham simply stared at him. Any fight left his body in an instant.

What was the point to all this, if the man he loved scoffed at the very possibility of it? If he really could not give love, did he have any hope of receiving it? 

He had long comforted himself with the simple fact that not a single person existed in this world who was wholly unlovable. Unfortunately, he was starting to believe he may be the exception that proved the rule. 

“Maybe you’re right,” he mumbled under his breath like a revelation. Like he hadn’t spent years dreading that very thought.

Upon hearing those quiet words, Kaveh’s head whipped back around to face his roommate. 

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Maybe I am what everyone says. Maybe I’m simply not capable of loving or being loved.” The scribe’s expression never changed. His eyes were completely blank when they met Kaveh’s, who blinked owlishly back at him.

. . . 

“What?!” Kaveh exploded from his seat, marching forward to pull Alhaitham to standing. “That’s ridiculous! Why would you believe that? Why now?”

Alhaitham shrugged. “If enough people say it, there must be some truth to it. Don’t you agree?”

His roommate gaped at him, steam practically leaking out of his ears. 

“That- That’s not like your reasoning at all!” Kaveh yelled, sounding almost desperate. “‘If enough people say it, they must all share the same fundamental flaw.’ That’s the kind of reasoning you pursue!” He used his grip to shake Alhaitham by the shoulders. 

The taller man knocked his arms aside and stepped out of reach. 

“I don’t understand. Why are you arguing now? I’ve conceded the point. Shouldn’t you be glad you’ve won?” He asked, voice beginning to tremble faintly. 

“How is this winning!? I never wanted to- I don’t know- break you! That was never my intention,” Kaveh pleaded, throwing his hands up in defeat. 

Alhaitham felt something unpleasant rising in his chest. It burned, threatening to consume him. 

“Really?”

“Of course! I-”

“How many times have you called my humanity into question?” His tone was flat, but genuine. Kaveh stuttered to a stop. Before he could come up with an answer, Alhaitham continued. “How many times have you asked why I’m so cold and distant and heartless? How many times have you told me that I will never be as kind, as sympathetic, as worthy as the people around us?” 

His voice rose with every sentence, anger ignited in his eyes. He took a step closer and Kaveh flinched backwards. “Is this what it takes for you to admit I’m not a machine? In how many places must I bleed before you notice the red on your hands?”

Kaveh audibly swallowed, taking another step back. “I’m sorry, I really didn’t-!”

“Didn’t what!?” Alhaitham practically growled. “Didn’t mean it? Didn’t think I cared? I can accept those excuses from anyone but you, Kaveh.” Entirely against his will, moisture started gathering in the corners of his eyes. “Is it really so impossible that I…” 

His voice broke as the first tears slid down his face.  

In seconds, Kaveh’s guilt and fear morphed into a sharp determination. Not giving his roommate the time to protest, he dragged him to his chest, arms wrapping tightly around his back. One hand found the back of his head, combing through thick strands of grey hair. 

Alhaitham stiffened, but didn’t pull away. 

“You can’t fix this with a hug, Kaveh…” he whispered into the fabric of his shirt. Still, he brought his own arms up and pulled the other man impossibly closer. 

“I know, but it can be a start.”

They stayed like that for who knows how long. Already shaking from the stress of his emotions, Alhaitham was practically shivering with his body’s conflicting desires to relax fully or pull away. It had been a long time since anyone last showed him any kind of affection. He didn’t know what to do with it. If asked, he was sure he could pinpoint every place he and Kaveh were connected at that moment. His skin felt unnaturally tight in those places, like something trying to burst from its confines.

Kaveh held him tighter in response. It felt like being put back together.

Soon enough however, he had to pull away, in spite of Alhaitham’s resistance. 

“Can we… talk about this? In a non-shouting manner?” He locked eyes with Alhaitham, who tensed in hesitation. “Please?”

That was all it took for the scribe to cave. He nodded once, gaze firmly averted.

Kaveh smiled at him. His fingers laced with Alhaithams as he pulled him to the couch where they sat side by side. They maintained contact from shoulder to hip to thigh, hands never parting. 

Alhaitham took a deep breath and let it out.

“I don’t know where to start,” he admitted. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Then I’ll start,” his ever-generous senior offered. The newness of his gentleness scared him. Unfamiliar, though he knew he must have felt it before. “Sometimes, I think I did mean it. When I called you a robot. I don’t understand you, but that’s no excuse when I never even tried to.”

“But you did-” 

“Don’t interrupt,” Kaveh reprimanded. “Your moral standards might be a little low, but I can acknowledge that mine might be a little too high. I shouldn’t burden you with my expectations and then be a jerk about it when you fall short.” He squeezed Alhaitham’s hand when the other tensed again. 

“That wasn’t a criticism,” he continued. “Besides, I think the most important issue here is that I am beyond confident when I say that you are perfectly capable of love.” Like he could sense the scribe preparing to interject again, he placed one hand firmly over the taller’s mouth. “It is so blindingly obvious if anyone would just stop to look.”

Kaveh’s soft gaze, his calloused hand, the turn of his mouth, it was all so overwhelming, Alhaitham could only stare in open wonder. 

“It’s in the way you cherish your grandmother’s old books and fix the blankets she sewed every time I accidentally poke a new hole in one. It’s in the way you set aside fairy tales for Tighnari to take back to Collei and re-gift every ‘useless children’s playing card’ your coworkers give you to Cyno. Living with you, I have the good fortune of witnessing it firsthand every single day. I believe I’ve started taking it for granted,” Kaveh laughed. 

There’s nothing to take for granted when it’s all meant for you anyway , he wanted to shout. No matter how mangled or small, he wanted to bury every last broken-glass piece of his love in the space between Kaveh’s ribs.

Instead, he settled for hiding his face in his hands so Kaveh couldn’t see the way his cheeks turned pink and his eyes watered for the second time that hour. 

“Hey, no need to be embarrassed!” Of course, Kaveh noticed anyway. Observant at all the wrong times. “I haven’t even mentioned the ways you love me yet,” he joked, nudging his roommate in the side. 

What an incredibly loaded sentence that was. Kaveh probably hadn’t even realized half the ways Alhaitham loved him. 

“You have said more than enough to prove your point,” he dismissed the rest of that line of thought. Some composure restored, he removed the hands from his face but still wouldn’t quite meet the architect’s eyes.

“Hmm,” Kaveh feigned contemplation. “I’m not sure I have actually.”

Alhaitham leveled him an unamused look. “You have.”

“Perhaps, but-”

“If I talk about my feelings, will you leave it alone?”

“Deal,” Kaveh answered immediately. His expectant stare landed on his roommate’s stiff outline. It was overbearing and stressed him out a little, but they had both agreed to this. 

Silence descended over them. 

Kaveh pressed a reassuring shoulder more firmly against Alhaitham’s and waited patiently for whatever the scribe would say next. 

Unfortunately, he still didn’t know where to start. His gaze stuck in the middle distance. 

“Could you ask me questions instead?” He tapped his fingers against the couch in an unsteady rhythm. “I hate to admit it, but I feel rather like I’m walking blind right now. I would appreciate somewhere to aim my thoughts.”

The blond man nodded, smiling softly. This was an area where Alhaitham struggled, and Kaveh excelled at laying blueprints, if nothing else.

“Okay, is there anything specific you don’t want me to ask about?” Alhaitham thought to be surprised for a split second, but he knew Kaveh’s caring nature existed without bounds. The only strangeness lied in it being directed at him for so long.

“None I can think of. I will let you know if there’s something I can’t answer,” he replied. He watched Kaveh nod again in understanding out of the corner of his eye.

The other put a hand to his chin in real contemplation this time. 

“How long have you felt like this? Like you were… missing something, for lack of better words.”

“My whole life,” he answered easily.

“That isn’t reassuring.”

“It wasn’t meant to be. Although you should be glad to know this wasn’t entirely your fault,” Alhaitham said, waving one hand in his direction.

“That’s not really what I’m worried about here. Have you considered finding a therapist? You know I have one, and I think it could help,” Kaveh suggested.

“I’ve thought about it, but… I suppose I’m afraid,” he admitted. “I worry they will hear what I have to say and agree with everyone else. To put in the effort to open up to someone only to be given the same diagnosis might really be the breaking point for me.” Even explaining all this to Kaveh made his heart race and wore away at something inside him.

“Why do you think they would do that?”

Another question Alhaitham barely had to consider before answering.

“Because it would be me telling the story. My detached method of sharing information is not exactly convincing, especially when trying to prove I’m not an unfeeling machine.” He sighed and turned his face the other way. “Besides, even an impartial therapist may be swayed in the face of ‘the infamous genius scribe of the Akademiya’ as you put it. It is hard to remain professional with a public figure surrounded by so many malicious rumors.”

Kaveh hummed in thought and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

“It’s safe to say your situation is fairly unique, but I think what you have is actually a rather common fear when it comes to therapy. Any therapist who does something like that is not fit for the profession, it’s just a matter of finding the right one for you.”

Alhaitham released a shaky exhale, turning his face further away. 

“I suppose… would you help me? Find one that is?”

“Of course!” Kaveh beamed, looking almost inappropriately thrilled at the request.

“Thank you,” the scribe muttered reluctantly. “Was that the last of your questions?”

“We can be done for now if you’d like, but I did have one or two more,” he admitted. 

Alhaitham closed his eyes and nodded hesitantly. “Go ahead.”

Kaveh smiled fondly at him. Before asking his next question, he told Alhaitham, “you’re doing so well. I’m proud of you for opening up to me like this, even after I hurt you so many times.”

His roommate grimaced and blushed. He was getting kind of tired of this embarrassment. Did other people struggle this much to talk about their feelings?

“Kaveh, I know it was never intentional. I fully intend to forgive you for everything you’ve done.”

“The intention doesn’t matter when the result is a mental breakdown in the middle of our living room. We can argue about that later though,” he continued, glossing over the first time Alhaitham could ever remember him referring to anything in the house as ‘ours’. “Before tonight, when was the last time someone hugged you?”

Alhaitham had to think for a long time before he could come up with an answer. 

“I believe it was before my grandmother died.”

Kaveh looked alarmed at that.

“Alhaitham, that-”

“I know, okay?” He defended, shoulders tense. “I know it was too many years ago, but what could I have done about it? I tried reaching out just to fail over and over and over again. It is not the touch I miss, not really. All I want is…”

“What do you want, Alhaitham?”

“I can’t- Would you just- I-” he released a frustrated puff of air. “Please. It’s the one thing I can’t ask for.” No matter how hard he tried, the words stayed stuck in his throat. They weighed him down yet floated just out of reach. “I’ve tried… taking it for myself, but I know it’s something that has to be given. There is just no one who would give it to me,” he explained, desperate for Kaveh to understand. To read between the lines for once. 

Kaveh’s eyes widened as understanding flickered across his face.

He sprang forward to pull him into another hug and warmth flooded his system, but it wasn’t until he found those ruby eyes that he felt it. It burned, yet instead of the forest fire he had grown used to it was the gentle glow of a hearth. It didn’t brand his skin or sear the edges of his mask. 

He felt loved.

It didn’t matter what kind it was, just that he could finally see the fondness Kaveh wore like a medal to be proud of. His skin finally stopped being cold. Finally, finally, finally, he let himself love Kaveh openly too and it felt like drowning in the open air and a free fall through miles of water all at once.

Alhaitham just hoped Kaveh could feel it.

“Do you know,” he began, voice muffled by Kaveh’s shoulder. “Sometimes, when I see all the options laid out in front of me, instead of searching for the one that benefits me most I ask which one would make you proud of me. It doesn’t always matter and I don’t always choose that option, but I still consider it for longer than I used to.”

Kaveh laughed a little at that. 

“I’m glad. Truly, Alhaitham, that makes me so happy to hear.”

He pressed closer until Alhaitham knew how his grin felt pressed against the skin of his neck.

And Alhaitham let himself smile back.