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That girl was the last straw. That girl who hit on Jari backstage in Nosturi...And Jari didn't seem uncomfortable with it. He was clearly enjoying the attention he got from women. And Teemu couldn't take it anymore. It hurt him. He felt Jari was watching him out of the corner of his eye. He held back his tears and stormed out of the room. He turned a deaf ear to his band members' curious questions about where he was going. He was going home, but the others didn't need to know that.
He arrived at his place sooner than he expected. He hadn’t done the right thing. He should have stayed in Nosturi and helped the others with packing the gear. But he had reached his breaking point. He couldn't think straight. He sat on the couch with his head buried in his hands. His hair curtained his face. He let the tears fall that he had been holding back for the whole drive and heart wrenching sobs escaped from his mouth. His whole body was shaking and his heart ached. He had never thought loving someone so much would bring him nothing but pain. He had had enough. He couldn't let this pain control him for the rest of his life. This suffering needed to stop. And only one person could end it: himself.
He unlocked his phone without thinking and after moments of scrolling through his photo gallery he threw the device against the wall. Then he found a paper and started writing on it fiercely.
Unconsciously he got up, and meandered through the kitchen. He scanned the room with bloodshot eyes and fixed them on a drawer. He held the edge of the counter and found what he was looking for in it.
Teemu stepped into his bedroom with the sharpest knife he had in his hand. He sat on the side of the bed, sniffed and wiped his eyes with his sleeves. He talked to himself. "You fucked me up, and now I will fuck your band up. Maybe you will miss me, who nose?" And he chuckled to himself. But the corners of his lips pulled downward abruptly. He closed his eyes and squeezed them tightly and prepared himself for the sharp pain. He clenched his teeth and sliced through his wrists one by one. The pain was unbearable. He lay on his back with his arms at the sides of his head and watched the blood leave his body. The only sound in the room was the tick-tock of his clock. He tried not to focus on the pain which was nearly impossible. He focused on the sound of the clock instead. But the sound started to become distant. Teemu was fading away from the real world and the white sheets were becoming redder and redder with each passing second. His teardrops joined to the puddles of blood beside his head.
They always said dying was peaceful and it didn't hurt. What a lie, he thought.
Then he stopped breathing.
Jari started to panic when Teemu didn't answer his call for the tenth time. It was unusual for him to leave the venue without telling anyone. He was acting different after the show. And Jari could feel the death stares on him when that stupid groupie tried to get close to him. But he could do nothing about it. He didn't want to come across as a rude frontman.
After sending the seventeenth message to him he decided to check his house.
He parked his car in front of Teemu's block and ascended the stairs to his flat.
No one opened the door. He knocked on the door and called the other man's name for several minutes. He rested his forehead on the door and sighed loudly. Then he backed up and kicked the door with all the power he had. He repeated that many times, and just when he was about to give up, the door opened roughly with a final kick.
The first thing he saw was Teemu's phone on the floor. He grabbed the phone and saw his long list of unanswered calls. Out of curiosity he unlocked the phone and came across with his own photo right away. That was unexpected.
Then he started calling his name. Still no answer. Maybe he was sleeping?
He opened the door of his bedroom partially and saw the legs hanging off the bed. Jari exhaled heavily with relief and stepped into the room.
"I thought you were gone. Why the fuck you didn't answ-" He couldn't finish his sentence. It took him a moment to realize the massize amount of blood on the sheets. And soon after he noticed Teemu's open eyes were lifeless and his clothes were bloody.
The fact hit Jari; Teemu had committed suicide, he was dead.
He called out his name one more time with a shaking voice and sat on the bedside as he put his dead head to his lap gently. Tears he had started to shed fell to Teemu's sharp cheekbones. His eyes were looking at him without seeing him. Jari started to sob uncontrollably. He took Teemu to his chest and hugged him tightly. Only one word left his mouth; No! No! No!
He got up slowly and put Teemu’s head back to the pillow gently. He closed his eyelids with his fingers. It was impossible to look into those beautiful, brown, dead eyes.
He collapsed on the floor with a distant mind and leaned on the wall beside the bed. He buried his head in his hands and started to shake his head as if he couldn’t believe it. He couldn't stop the tears and continued to cry his heart out.
After about ten minutes he got on his feet with the help of the bed and got out of the room. He couldn't stand staying in that room one more second. When he came back into main room he noticed a crumpled piece of paper with his name on it on the coffee table. He sat on the couch and opened the paper with shaking hands. It was Teemu's handwriting.
“If you are reading this I am already dead. I don’t want to live anymore. I was dead inside already for the last couple of months. But I didn’t kill myself, you did. You killed me! And I hate you. But I also love you. I always loved you, Jari. From the start. I was in great pain for years. Seeing you with that girls and pretending not to care…it was so hard for me. But today was the end of everything. I always thought maybe you would love me, maybe you would give me a chance! But you never did. And it killed me inside. I can’t take it anymore. I know I am a loser, giving up like this...but this pain is too much for me. I will choose the easy way out. I will escape from this painful life. This suffering needs to end. I always loved you more than anything. Always.”
He struggled to read some words because his own teardrops had ruined them. He got up from where he sat with red eyes and tried to suppress the nausea which overtook him. He built up his courage and entered to bedroom once again.
Nothing had changed. Teemu was still laying there motionless. He walked over to where Teemu laid and kneeled beside the bed. He put his hands in Teemu's hair and stroked it kindly. He started to speak with a shaking, low voice.
"Please forgive me. I never thought you would love me….as much as I loved you. I loved you Teemu. I fuckin’ loved you! So much! Those girls mean nothing to me, I used them to hide my secret. Why had you never told me, my love? Why had you never confessed it? Fuck! ”
He noticed the bloody knife on the bed and looked at it with wide open eyes. He sat on the bed and took the knife in his hand like he was in a trance. He stabbed himself in the chest without hesitating. He looked down with his mouth agape but it was too late. Blood started dripping from between his lips, and his vision started to get blurry. His head fell on Teemu's body.
Teemu felt a heavy weight on his chest as he woke up. He opened his eyes slowly and realized he was in a hospital room. He had the worst nightmare he could ever had in his life.
He tried to straighten up but he couldn't. Just then he saw the blond head sleeping on his chest.
Jari had fallen asleep on a chair beside the bed and apparently his pillow was Teemu. His hand was holding Teemu's hand tightly.
Teemu pulled his hand back slowly and put it inside the mess of blond hair instead. His memory slowly came back and he remembered what he had done just before he fell unconscious. That made his eyes wet and he grimaced as everything became clear.
He had committed suicide, by taking a handful of pills. But his plan didn’t seem to work. He was still alive. No, he shouldn’t be alive, this was wrong. He wanted to die.
He started weeping as storm of emotions consumed him. His unsuccessfully suppressed sobs shook his body and woke Jari up. He slowly raised his head from Teemu’s chest and looked at him with half open, sleepy eyes. His hair was messy and his eyes were bloodshot. Then his eyes opened wide.
“Teemu! You woke up!” He hugged Teemu, who was still crying, tightly. And he whispered. “I thought- I thought you were dead.”
Teemu suddenly recalled his weird dream and looked at his own wrists. There were no marks. Then he looked at Jari. He stabbed himself in his dream. He pushed Jari back abruptly and tried to see a trace of damage on his body. He seemed pretty healthy. But Jari misunderstood Teemu’s sudden move and the corners of his mouth pulled downward immediately.
“It’s okay if you don’t want me here. I just wanted to see you wake up.” He said with an obvious sadness in his voice. He got up slowly and attempted to go but Teemu pulled him from his wrist.
“No! Jari, no! Please don’t leave me now.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, he was still weeping. Jari sat back on his chair. He pulled Teemu’s hands out of his face and put his there instead. He wiped the tears with his thumbs. Teemu started to speak with a shaking voice. “Why are you here…for me?” He finally looked in Jari’s eyes.
Jari put his hands on his own lap. He sighed. “I’ve been waiting here for three days. Doctors said maybe you wouldn’t make it. I was so scared for you, Teemu. And I feel terrible. This is my mistake. I did this to you. Why have you never told me you loved me before?”
Teemu’s eyes suddenly widened as he realized the letter part of the dream was actually real. Jari had read everything. He knew everything. He couldn’t form any words for a couple seconds. Then he started to talk, “Jari please…it wouldn’t change anything even if I told you…I changed my mind, please don’t stay here. I don’t want you to see me like this, I am a mess. Please go…back to your girlfriends.”
“Who says I love them, Teemu? I was scared that people would notice I loved you. But I never thought you would love me back. But now I know you do. Please forgive me. You should hate me but plea-”
He was cut off by Teemu’s bone crushingly tight squeeze.
They stayed in the embrace for twenty minutes. Then Teemu broke the silence without loosening his grip. “I forgive you. And I love you.”
Jari held him tighter. “I love you too. More than anything.”