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At the end of the night, Lottie ends up leaving the party alone. She found the blonde guy a little more annoying than she would have liked, so she ditched him when he had gone to get more drinks for the both of them.
Although she is more drunk than usual, she still leaves the house intending to drive herself home. (She tries not to think of Nat’s lack of presence when she throws out her cigarette, or chugs down the last of her beer. She was better than that, wasn’t she?)
When she leaves the house, her eye catches Shauna trying to get Mari into the backseat of her car. As nauseous as she felt, she made her way over to Shauna with a giddy smile. “You… You need some help there, Shipman?”
Shauna turned around at Lottie’s voice, shooting her a small grin as she rolled up her flannel sleeves. At that, Lottie tried to ignore the turmoil that turned in her stomach. “Yeah. Thanks, Lot.” Then, hesitantly, she says, “You sure you can help, though? You’re looking a little sick yourself..."
Lottie holds back bile in her throat before shaking her head quickly. No. She needed a distraction. “No. I’m…” She closes her eyes tight before opening them again. “I’m… I’m fine. I’m feeling better from the fresh air already. Let… Let me help.”
“Okay. Here, you take this arm and this leg and I'll take the other two…”
Mari smells like dirt, sweat, and cigarettes when Lottie lifts her up, and it definitely does not help settle the puke that’s settling in her throat. So, unfortunately, as soon as Mari is set down, the smell of sweat digs a little too deep into Lottie’s nostrils, and it's because of that that she can no longer hold back the bile that’s being forced out of her mouth.
Within a few seconds, Lottie pukes out everything she was holding into the storm drain next to Shauna’s feet.
(Shauna’s only stunned for a moment before she’s patting Lottie’s back, and at that moment, Lottie almost feels jealous of Jackie for having her as a best friend.) “Lottie, sweetie, just let it all out, okay?” If Lottie wasn’t dry heaving, she swears she’d be blushing as deep a pink as her fuzzy jacket.
“I’ll drive you home, okay? I can ask Jackie if we can pick it up together, after school.”
….
"I can't believe Nat dumped Mari on me to drive her home to ALLEGEDLY keep everyone from getting drunk and sleeping together. Like, believe my surprise when I see her walking out of the house, dazed and confused, eyes watering and everything! I swear I’ll kill her at practice.” Shauna exclaimed as she helped Lottie buckle her seatbelt.
“I think it was my fault…” Lottie murmurs, leaning forward on the dash. She tries to recall what had happened, but frowns when she can’t remember. “I think I told her no for something…? I can’t remember… But she left the house. I didn’t want her to leave yet, but she did… I wish I knew why.”
“It’s not your fault.” Shauna assured as she started the car. “For whatever you said no too… I’m sure you meant well. Nat’s probably being dramatic.”
"Maybe…" Lottie murmured, stomach flipping. Maybe not, most likely. Nat was hardly ever dramatic.
"I wouldn't be surprised if she froze to death too, Lot.” Shauna added as she pulled out onto the street. “I mean, she's literally wearing a T-SHIRT in this fucking November weather. If that’s not insanity, then I don’t know what is. And trust me, Lottie. She definitely wasn’t sober.”
“She’s cold?” Lottie asks, heart rate speeding up. She looks around worriedly. “We should help her. What if she freezes to death?”
Shanna snorts. “She’s long gone now, Lot. She’s probably almost already home.”
“Well, maybe we can catch her on her way home...” Lottie whispers as she leaned her head on the window. “Or something… So that she’s warm for the rest of the way.”
A pause.
“Shauna.” Lottie says, voice low.“We should do that… Isn’t that a good idea? If we save Nat, she’ll like us more.”
Another pause.
Shauna bites down on her lip, looking apologetic. “Sorry, Lot. I need to be home soon and still need to drop you and Mari off. I’m sure she’s fine. She’s Nat. She’s scrappy. She can handle herself.”
Lottie narrows her eyes at a blurry Shauna before turning to face out the window again. The streetlights looked like shooting stars when they were blurry. “No… We should help.” She turns around to glance at Mari for some support. “Right, Mari?”
“See… She agrees.” Lottie whispers.
(Mari is blacked out; Shauna could see it in her rearview mirror.) “Lottie... she’s asleep."
"Oh."
"Lottie, really—You should rest." Shauna says, voice soft. "It's okay. I'll bring you down. I do this with Jackie all the time. Can you lean your head back for me?"
“But...|
"Nat. I know. She'll be fine, Lot. Trust me." Shauna’s eyes are dark when she smiles at Lottie, while the reflections from the streetlights outside reflect off of them like stars.
...
(And at that moment, Lottie wishes that she could feel whatever twisted thing she felt for Nat for Shauna instead.)
( At least Shauna stayed with me , she thinks, as she drifted off to sleep on the car ride home. At least she stayed.)
____
Lottie doesn’t remember a single thing the day after the party. She knew that Nat had gotten upset and stormed off, but other than that and getting dropped off at her house, Lottie couldn’t remember anything.
____
Lottie and Nat don't speak until late the following week. This was unusual, as practices were held every other day—and knowing the both of them, they always talked to each other during practice.
As a matter of fact, they don't even pair up for drills Monday morning, Monday afternoon, Wednesday morning, or even Thursday after school. Although, not partnering up on Thursday afterschool was particularly weirder than usual, since Laura Lee is always absent on Thursday and Tai and Van always skip practice to go out for slurpees.
Thursday was their usual pair-up day (as named by Nat); and this week, instead of Lottie, Nat paired up with Mari.
(Leaving Lottie on her own.)
( And maybe, just maybe—Lottie never minded being alone. But this kind of loneliness felt like that of her parent’s absence—something blurred between frustration and longing.)
It hurts even more knowing how much Nat disliked Mari.
Lottie couldn’t help but feel her head spin with something that made her stomach turn. She hopes to God that it isn't jealousy.
Never mind. She ignores it.
Running up to Shauna and Jackie, Lottie grins as wide a grin as she can, and asks if they can join. Her voice almost cracks, because of course--- of course, she's letting this get to her. And it didn't seem that she did a good job of hiding it, because Jackie's bright eyes faltering at Lottie's voice makes her speak up. “Did you and Mari decide to switch today or something? Or did Nat stop liking you after—”
“Holy shit, Jackie!” Shauna interrupted, elbowing her hard. She shoots an apologetic glance at Lottie and then an angry one at Jackie. “You said you wouldn’t tell anyone. Can you be any more insensitive?”
All of a sudden, Lottie feels hot, despite it being cold. She shoots a hurt glance at Shauna. How could you tell her?
“I’m not being insensitive!”
“Seriously, Jackie?”
“I’m team captain!” Jackie hissed back at Shauna. She doesn’t even spare a glance at Lottie, and Lottie almost feels grateful at that. “And I didn’t say I’d keep it to myself! I just said I wouldn’t tell anyone that wasn’t involved in the matter! And, Shauna, the last time I checked, Lottie was a part of her own argument with Nat! Forgive me if I want to know what’s happening on my own soccer team!”
“It’s not ‘your team,’ Jackie! And I thought you knew what I meant!”
“Oh come on, Shauna.” Jackie says, rolling her eyes. Her eyes snap to Lottie, and now, all of a sudden, Lottie feels as if she was put under a microscope. “It’s not a big deal, is it Lottie? If you told me and Shauna what happened?”
But it is a big deal, she thinks. It is.
Shauna sighs loudly, breaking through her thoughts. “You don’t have to answer that.”
Jackie ignores her. “Please, Char?”
(Lottie hates that nickname, but doesn’t find enough courage left in her to say so.)
“I swear I won’t tell anyone. I just need to know if there’s disruption that could cost us a game. This is only for the sake of the team. So I know what positions and plays to play.”
She crosses her chest and salutes. “Scouts honour.”
“Oh. Okay.” Lottie mutters, heart beating fast. “Yeah.”
For the good of the team.
Lottie repeats it like a mantra.
This is for the good of the team; it isn’t personal.
So, Lottie bites her lip, stares at the ground hard, and tries not to let her voice crack too much when she answers. “Well, me and Nat didn’t get into a fight. We aren’t really fighting? I don’t remember fighting, I mean. I just… I don’t know what…”
Something cold, a breeze of wind, brushes under her pigtails. She makes the mistake of shooting her eyes up to catch Jackie and Shauna’s eyes, both shining and crinkled with interest and worry.
It’s too much.
Just a little bit too much.
“I don’t… I don’t know—”
Then,
“HEADS UP!”
A ball comes flying into their part of the field, and the three girls have barely any time to react before the ball collides with Jackie’s head, and Jackie’s head collides into Shauna’s.
At the end of it, Shauna and Jackie are on the ground.
“What the FUCK?!” Jackie yells, looking over her shoulder as she gets up. “Who the fuck did that?!”
Then, before Lottie can realize who had done it, Nat is running over to their part of the field with a look that is nothing close to apologetic. Lottie thinks that she would laugh if she wasn’t so upset.
“I told you to watch out, Taylor; not my fault.” Nat says with a shrug. “You were just talking, so…”
“No we weren’t!”
“Sure.” Nat answers, disbelievingly, moving her attention from Shauna to Lottie to Jackie. Lottie tries not to let her thoughts linger on the length of time that Nat had looked at her. “Whatever, I don’t fuckin care. Just pass me the ball?”
“Oh like hell I will!” Jackie snaps, stomping towards Nat. Everyone’s attention, including Coach Scott’s, is drawn to the scene. The JV team’s eyes are filled with excitement, while the Varsity team’s faces are painted with annoyance. Fights between Nat and some other girl were typical.
“Fuck you, Nat!”
“No thanks.” Nat snorts.
Jackie’s ears go firetruck red. “You know what? If you want your girlfriend back so badly, you can have her!” Jackie shoots a withering glare at Lottie, and Lottie just wants to melt into a puddle and die. “We don’t want her anyway.”
Shauna, for once, is the rational one between the both of them and grabs Jackie’s arm and tries to pull her back.
Lottie is usually the buffer between teammates, as well as Van, but Lottie finds herself frozen stiff as she processes Jackie’s words; and then, because of her, she’s reliving and rethinking every single unwanted thought she’s been holding at bay.
Laura Lee’s hair, Van’s back, Tai’s legs, Shauna’s arms— fuck, fuck, fuck.
…
(Her eyes subconsciously find their way to Nat, despite all the chaos.)
(And what would fate have it, if Nat wasn’t looking back at her? Eyes gleaming with something that bordered dangerously between...
(Lottie holds back her thoughts, and forces them to the deep, dark, immoral parts of her mind, as she averts her eyes to the grass. Her face burns red hot. Get your mind out of the gutter, Matthews.)
…
To Lottie, everything sounds underwater. Between Shauna’s attempts to hold Jackie back, and Misty’s attempts of getting Coach Scott to break them up, it’s all muffled. So, she looks up at Nat one last time. (And, of course, as fate would have it, Nat’s gaze was gone as soon as it was there.)
“She’s not my fucking girlfriend, Taylor.” Nat spits, teeth gritted. “We’re not gay.”
(And just like that, everything sounds crystal clear again.)
Mari raises her eyebrows. “Well, you can’t blame Jackie for thinking that.” She adds, voice low, drawing everyone’s attention to her. “I mean, from the way you acted at that party last night…”
Lottie furrows her eyebrows and shoots a quick glance at Nat, whose neck was red. “Shut the fuck up.” Nat snaps at Mari, voice sharp and quick.“You could barely walk in a straight line that night; how the fuck would you even know?”
Mari shuts up.
“Plus,” Nat adds, shifting her attention back to Jackie. “If me and Lottie are girlfriends, you two…”
She points at Shauna and Jackie. “...What does that make you? You guys are closer than me and Lottie, if anything! Holy shit, I mean…”
…
Lottie’s breaths feel heavy in her lungs, and she doesn’t know if it’s from relief or disappointment.
It’s relief, she thinks, heart pounding. It has to be.
…
The silence that follows is painfully loud, and it’s only then does Coach Scott finally decide to say something.
“Girls!” He coughs out, face red. “Go back to your drills! These matters of discussion should be saved for after practice!”
The JV team look disappointed as they go back to their drills, and shamefully, Mari jogs back to her and Nat’s spot—all while Shauna is trying to calm down Jackie’s anger.
Lottie stares at the two of them disinterestedly. She didn’t really want to follow them back. She likes Shauna, sure, but Jackie…
…
As a matter of fact, the thought of just sneaking off to the locker room doesn’t seem so bad… Until—
“Hey.”
Lottie recognizes the raspy voice immediately.
Nat.
She pries her stare away from Jackie and Shauna and focuses on Nat instead. She feels lighter. “Hey.” she says, biting her lip. “Look, Nat, I’m sorry. I don’t know what—”
“Look, could you pass me that ball?” Nat interrupts, pointing at the ball near Lottie's feet.
“O-oh.” Lottie stutters, bending down to pick up the ball. “Y-yeah, of course.”
“Here you go,” Lottie murmurs, voice soft. When she passes the ball to Nat, their hands graze each other.
(Although it’s a brief, one second moment, Lottie feels a shiver run through her spine, when Nat’s ice cold fingers graze hers.)
Lottie looks up to catch her gaze with her own.)
She’s gorgeous.
“Thanks, Lot.” Nat says, fiddling with the soccer ball in her hands. Her voice sounds friendlier. Warmer. Lottie hopes it isn’t just from pity. “And don’t worry about Jackie or Mari. They don’t mean it. Probably.”
“Yeah.” Lottie says, voice low and crackling. “Of course.”
The half-hearted grin that Nat then gives her in return is even warmer than her words, and Lottie thinks that maybe, just maybe… Nat might forgive her sooner rather than later.
Something in her stomach turns as she stares at Nat jogging away.
(Something that feels like hunger, emptiness and a sickening want for something that she knows she can’t have.)
God.
____
When practice is over, Lottie finds herself driving home with the windows open, and the radio off, heart pounding hard. She thinks of Nat’s cold hands and makes herself shiver something hot when she does.
So, she takes an ice cold shower.
It kind of helps.
Kind of.
…
(Though, not quite enough for her to stop her hand from sneaking down to her shorts, eyes closed and head spinning, when she’s tucked into her bed.)
…
(That night, she promised herself that she’ll attend church with Laura Lee, this Sunday.)
___
The day after practice, Lottie doesn’t see Nat until their second period class together, in which they had a geography test.
…
(Well, technically, Lottie did see Nat in the hallways before class.
But, she was with Kevyn Tan.
And Lottie didn’t like Kevyn Tan, so she just pretended that she didn’t see them at all.)
(She tries not to think too hard on why she doesn’t like Kevyn. She fears that she may come up with an answer that she wouldn’t quite like.)
…
Lottie is sitting at her desk (behind Nat, in front of Mari) waiting for Mr. Weathers to hand her a test when Mari leans over to frantically tap her on the shoulder. Lottie turns around, eyebrows furrowed. “What?” She asks, voice brought to a hush.
“Do you have a pencil I could borrow?”
Lottie rolls her eyes. “Seriously, Mari? You couldn’t ask any sooner?”
“Please?”
Lottie glances at her pencil case on her desk and fidgets with the pencil in her hand. “I only have one pencil and a pen. You can borrow my pen if you want, I guess.”
“Would it be okay if you used the pen while I used the pencil instead?” Mari pleads, pulling on Lottie’s forearm. Lottie pulls her arm away with a grimace. “Your writing is like, perfect in both hands and you hardly make any mistakes. Please, Lot. Please…! I’m one failed test away until I’m literally going to be kicked off the team!”
“Umm…” Lottie looks between her pencil and her pen, biting on her lip. She decides to be selfish. “Sorry, Mari. I think I’m gonna use the pencil. Maybe ask Shauna?”
“Fuck!” Mari whispers, turning behind her to face an annoyed Shauna. Shauna catches Lottie’s eyes and narrows them, mouthing ‘Fuck you,’ which makes Lottie snicker as she turns back around. Then—-
“Hey…!” A voice whispers from in front of her. “Lot..!”
Lottie looks up and her insides twist.
Nat.
“Is there by any chance I could use that pen?” Nat asks in a whisper, lips nervously tucked into her mouth. (Lottie tries not to stare too hard.) “I forgot a pencil today and unlike Mari,” Nat shoots a deadpan stare at the back of Mari’s head while she pleads with Shauna. “I’d be glad to use any writing utensil that’s available to me. I mean, as long as I put something down, that's gotta be potential marks, right?”
Lottie raises her eyebrows and shoots a glance at Mr. Weathers as he’s approaching their side of the classroom. “Oh! Yeah, of course. Yeah, here.”
She looks at her pen on the desk and then the pencil in her hand.
Then, at Nat’s soft, grateful expression. “Wait, no. Here. You can have my pencil instead.” Lottie says, without thinking. And before she can stop herself, Lottie finds herself handing over her pencil instead of her pen.
(When she gives her pencil to Nat, Nat’s hands are ice cold when Lottie’s fingers graze them, and again, like yesterday, Lottie feels something in her shiver.)
…
A beat.
“Really?” Nat asks hesitantly, fingers closing around Lottie’s pencil. The raspiness of her voice makes Lottie’s throat open and close for air, somehow. “I thought you said to Mari that you wanted to use your—”
Lottie shakes her head and pushes Nat’s closed fist towards her.
…
Cold, Lottie thinks, when her fingers touch ice cold knuckles. She should stop wearing t-shirts in the middle of fall.
…
“....Take it, Nat. Your writing is messier than mine.” Lottie whispers with a small grin. “I’ll be fine. I have the highest grade in the class. Trust me.”
Nat grins genuinely, for the first time that week. And Lottie grins back wide, also, for the first time that week. “Ouch, Lot.” Nat murmurs with a wispy laugh. “But thanks.”
—All of a sudden, Mari grumbles from behind Lottie. “Not fair. My writing’s messy too.”
“Oh shut the fuck up, Mari.” Nat mutters with an eye roll, turning back to face the front.
Cold. Lottie thinks again.
The test is handed out after that, and throughout the rest of the period, Lottie’s stomach stirs with that same familiar hunger.
Fuck me.
____
On Saturday night, Lottie is at home in bed, when her cell phone rings at 12:32 am.
Half asleep, Lottie doesn’t even bother to check the caller as she answers. “H…Hello?”
There’s rustling on the other end, which wakes Lottie up a little more.
Lottie squints her eyes at her screen, trying to focus on the blurry name on her phone display. “Hello? Who is this?”
“Where…” The voice whispers drunkenly. The line scrambles. “Where are you, Matthews? I can’t… I can’t find you.”
Lottie furrows her eyebrows when she hears the familiar nickname ring through her ears. “Nat? Is that you? Why are you calling so late?”
A pause.
Heavy breathing.
“Where’re you…? I’ve been waiting for so long… When will you get here?”
“Get where? Where are you, Nat?” Lottie asks in a panic, sitting up in her bed, flicking her bedside lamp on. She gets out of bed, phone pinched between her shoulder and her ear as she begins to look through her closet for clothes. “Do you need a ride home?”
“I’m at Jeff’s house with the rest of the team...” Nat mutters, her voice coming out fuzzy through the phone. “Well, kind of. I’m outside. Looking at the stars with nobody and drinking and…”
Lottie hears Nat gulp something down and sigh. “And waiting for you to show up, I guess. But you never showed up.”
“Shit.” Lottie murmurs. “I’m sorry. I should’ve texted. I didn’t know…” I didn’t know you cared enough to wait. “I didn’t know that you thought that I was coming.”
Nat snorts. “It’s… It’s fine—”
“It’s not fine!” Lottie interrupts in a whisper, voice harsh and soft all at once. “Fuck. Have you heard about those cases with those girls getting kidnapped?! What if that was you?!”
“I’m not going to get kidnapped…”
“Well, we never know! And who even knows if Jeff’s alcohol is safe?” Lottie asks, voice high and strained. “Randy Walsh is not known for his… Alcohol acquisition skills. He could be serving you poison from a drain doused with bad expired beer!”
“That’s what I was thinking too… You should be the one hosting these types of parties, Lot…” Nat says, pondering. “Maybe then… Maybe then we’d have better tasting beer. I mean…This shit… tastes like shit.”
Lottie bites her lip nervously as she grabs a pair of jeans. “Just… Never mind. Go inside the house. Don’t follow a guy. And don’t drink anymore, please. I’ll be over in 20.”
“I’m not that w-wasted, Lot. Not wasted eno-ugh to try and sleep with some random dude while I’m hammered…” Nat hiccups.There’s rustling as Nat presumably gets up from her spot on Jeff’s front lawn to hopefully go inside. “I can hold my own. I can swing a punch.”
“I’m sure you can.” Lottie says through the phone, buttoning her jeans.
“How come you didn’t come to the party?” Nat asks. “Mari told me that the entire Yellowjackets team was invited… I mean, holy fuck, even Laura Lee is here.”
Lottie finds it in her to lie through her teeth, as she digs through her junk drawer to look for her keys. “I… I was feeling tired.”
( “It’s because I heard Travis and Kevyn were going to be there,” was what she really meant to say. But she couldn’t say that, not when she didn’t have a reason for disliking any of them.)
There’s silence for a few moments as Lottie runs to her car and starts it up. “But…” Lottie murmurs. “Why did you go, Nat? Don’t you have a math test on monday you need to study for?”
…
A pause.
“Hello?”
Another longer pause.
In the silence, Lottie can’t help but say something. “Nat? Are you there?”
“Yup.” Nat says, popping the p. “Don’t pop a vein, princess. I’m still here. I’m just… Fucking, high off my mind. The ceiling fan sudden looks interesting when you’re on LSD, or molly, or fucking whatever. Sorry. My mind just can’t really think right now.”
Lottie sighs, muttering, “I wish you didn’t do that. You know that it’s bad for you.”
“Yeah?” Nat shoots back. “Well, I’ll stop once you stop with your stupid cigarettes and your stupid pills.”
…
A pause.
“Sorry, Lot.”
Another pause. Though, heavier, this time.
“I’m really sorry.”
..…
Then, a heavier silence.
“Lottie?” Nat whispers.
“Yeah?”
…
“I’m cold.”
…
Of course, Lottie thinks, gripping tight onto the steering wheel. Of course you are, Nat. You always are.
…
“I’m sure. It’s cold out there, I’d imagine. It’s November.” Lottie whispers, heart pounding fast and steady. I wish you’d wear a jacket for once, Nat. You’ll catch a cold. “I’ll be there soon.”
Nat’s breathing slows. “ I’m… glad. You’re really warm.”
(Lottie can hear the grin in her words.
And for once, Lottie lets herself feel Nat’s words as they are.)
(Drunken words were the most honest ones, after all.)
____
Lottie is usually one to keep her promises. Especially the ones she’s made to herself.
So, yeah, one could say it was unusual when Lottie texted Laura Lee with a last minute cancellation.
She doesn’t know what came over her. Not quite, not really.
Everything was too confusing.
____
(On Sunday morning, instead of the church, Lottie found herself at yet another holy, sacred place.)
(TJ Maxx.)
Her fingers are quick, when she swipes trinkets away into her purse. Another bracelet, another ring, this and that. Light hands, light work. It’s almost too easy. It’s only a few minutes after she’s entered the store before she has 5 bracelets in her jacket and two rings tucked away into her jean pocket.
She’s about to pay for one single item, a cheap, on sale pair of socks, and leave with the rest of the accessories when something catches her eye. Something that reminds Lottie of her.
So, Lottie puts back the discounted socks and decides to pay for that instead.
Maybe it will mean a little more.
_____
On Monday morning, she goes up to Nat’s locker, leatherjacket in hand. Nat’s digging through her locker when Lottie clears her throat. “Hey, Nat.”
Nat closes her locker door slightly to catch a slight glimpse as Lottie. She smiles. “Hey.”
“Here. I got this for you.” Lottie says, holding up the leatherjacket. Her heart pounds loudly in her ears as she pushes it toward Nat. “I… I got it at TJ Maxx.”
Nat grinned, taking the jacket from Lottie’s hands. When Nat takes it away, her hands are delicate. “You lifted this? For me?”
Lottie nodded, her grin faltering only slightly. Not this one. I didn’t lift this one. This one’s real.
She lies through her teeth, but only because she doesn’t feel ready. “Yeah, sure. I lifted it. It was easy.|
“Thanks, but… Why?” Nat asks, examining it against the brightness of the fluorescent school lighting. “Like, shit, Lot. It’s not my birthday or anything until—”
“Until April. Yeah, I know.” Lottie interrupts, cheeks pink. “It’s just something spontaneous. I was just looking around, and when I saw it… I thought of you.”
Because you’re always cold. Lottie thinks.
Nat grins mischievously as she puts her new leatherjacket on. “So… Wanna skip class and get slurpees? My treat? I can test out the leather jacket you got me?”
…
And although Lottie would usually say no, today, she says yes.
…
(When Nat grabs her hand to pull Lottie down the hallway, her hand feels slightly warmer.)
(Lottie’s stomach turns again.
This time, though, Lottie finds herself grinning at the feeling.)
…
(She doesn't know what to call the fluttery stomach that she gets around Laura Lee when she lets her hair down- or that feeling that she gets when Shauna hugs her back real tight after she scores.
Lottie especially doesn't know what to call the feeling she gets when Nat so much as BREATHES around her, most of all. Because it's everything- hammering, lightheaded jumpiness, and a sweaty, inpatient breeze swirling in her chest.
She thinks she’s a masochist in a way, by wanting to trap that painful feeling forever and hold it tight. )
But today, she’s okay with it. That feeling of shivering lightheadedness, that particular breeze at the back of her neck, and the simmering heat that boiled in her pit of a stomach—she was okay with it.
(Maybe just a little bit.)