Chapter Text
Today is a beautiful day. There’s not a cloud in sight, the sun is warm on Beatrice’s skin, and a gentle wind plays with the strands that came loose from her bun. She found a nice little table on the patio of her favorite coffee shop, and she was so on top of her game this week she managed to finish her studying of the day an hour ago. Now, she’s enjoying a book, the constant yet soothing chatter of the people around her accompanying her reading, a warm and tasty cup of tea in hand. Yes, today is a beautiful day.
“Beatrice, hi!”
She looks up and smiles at Ava, who sits down on the chair next to her and sets her phone on the table. Seeing her is not a surprise; Ava texted her a very short where you at about twenty minutes ago, and Beatrice answered promptly and without wondering too much about it—after three years of knowing her, she knows Ava’s spontaneity and whimsy can’t be fought, only embraced.
“Hi,” she simply says, smile lingering, and she puts her book away in the backpack between her legs before setting her hand on her thigh, relaxed, the other wrapped around her cup.
“It’s so gorgeous out!” Ava marvels, eyes turned skyward.
“It is.” Beatrice smiles again, content, grateful for this beautiful day and her friend’s impromptu visit, and she takes a sip of her tea as she watches Ava turn to her, a bright glint in her eyes.
“So. Do you know any good lesbian porn for me to watch?”
Beatrice chokes on her tea, hard enough it spills down her chin and drips on the table. She coughs, then slowly, so very slowly, sets her cup down and grabs the paper towel Ava’s absentmindedly handing her as she keeps talking.
“I mean like, with actual queer girls, not some straight gals with the longest nails ever and faking moans and all.”
She’s talking in such a casual tone, as if she wasn’t saying the most unhinged thing Beatrice has ever heard her say—and Ava says a lot of unhinged things. Beatrice dedicates herself to cleaning her face then the table, thankful for this small respite as she collects the thoughts Ava just so rudely shattered. Not how she expected her Saturday afternoon to go.
“I do not,” she eventually croaks, eyes on the table, the hand on her thigh now digging into her flesh through the thick fabric of her pants while she keeps wiping the metallic surface in furious circles.
“I think it’s dry now,” Ava points out softly, then sets a light hand on Beatrice’s wrist to make her stop.
The contact burns her skin, enough that she can’t help the little convulsing motion of her fingers, nails slightly tearing into the wet paper towel. As if to soothe her, Ava strokes her thumb along her skin, once, before taking her hand away. It has the complete opposite effect of soothing.
“So,” Ava says, peachy, a grin on her face as she rests her chin against her fist, elbow on the now admittedly dry table. “Any good recommendation?”
“I told you,” Beatrice manages to say as she forces her eyes to meet Ava’s—oh, they’re so playful, that brat knows what kind of personal hell she just dropped Beatrice into—, “I do not have any.”
“Come on, Bea,” Ava nudges her elbow with her own. “Everyone watches porn! Don’t be shy!”
“I don’t—It’s not about—” She’s too flustered to even worry about the people around hearing them. “Ava, why are you asking me this?”
“Oh! Well, you’re my one good lesbian friend—aside from Lilith but you know, it’s Lilith—, so I figured you’d know a thing or two about this kind of stuff!”
“Yes, sure, alright, but why?”
When Ava keeps staring at her with questioning eyes, Beatrice lets her own roll to heaven.
“Stop playing dumb,” she groans, and Ava laughs.
“Alright, alright. I had a revelation the other day.”
Beatrice arches her eyebrows.
“That I might be into women.”
She arches them so high it hurts.
“Emphasis on might,” Ava cautiously adds, but it’s too late.
Beatrice’s mind is reeling, already mapping out everything this not so small confession implies. That Ava might like girls. That Ava might see her that way one day. That Ava had a “revelation”. That said revelation was probably prompted by someone. That Ava might be into said someone. That Beatrice might have to face not one, but two earth-shattering discoveries; Ava being into girls, and Ava getting a girlfriend before Beatrice can even process that first information.
“You’re taking this surprisingly well,” Ava comments.
“Oh, I’m sorry, were you expecting me to ship you to a Catholic school in Switzerland?” Beatrice counters dryly, and at least it makes Ava laughs.
“Sorry,” Ava breathes out, softer, and Beatrice immediately relaxes under her gentle gaze.
“No, I’m—” She sighs, drums her fingers against her half-empty cup. “You caught me by surprise.”
“Subtlety isn’t my strong suit,” Ava grins.
“I’ve noticed.”
She laughs, and so does Beatrice. She takes a second to sip on her tea just to have something to do, hyperconscious of the way Ava’s eyes track the movement of her hand, before mentally shaking herself into being bold.
“So, what made you think you might be int—”
Ava’s phone chimes on the table, the buzz strong enough it actually slips a little on the metal, Lilith’s name appearing on the screen.
“Hold that thought,” Ava mutters before answering the call. “Yes?—What?” She quickly checks her phone screen before slamming the device back against her ear. “Oh shit, I’m sorry, I lost track of time! I’ll be there in five!”
She’s already getting up, pushing her chair away so abruptly it’d have tipped over and crashed on the ground if Beatrice hadn’t caught it. Ava hangs up and throws Beatrice an apologetic stare.
“I promised Lilith I’d go to her place to study today. You know how she gets when people are late.”
Beatrice hides the little sting of disappointment in her heart with a smile.
“Go.”
“I’ll see you on Monday!”
Ava starts walking away, turns around, cocks an eyebrow. “Just to be sure, it’s a definite no on the porn?”
Beatrice snorts. “Absolute definite.”
“Just checking!” Ava grins before bouncing on her feet and disappearing around the corner.
And just like that, Beatrice finds herself alone, once again, on this beautiful Saturday afternoon. Except now she feels like her world’s just completely shifted under her feet.
*
This year—senior year—, Beatrice and Ava share only one class: the mandatory statistics course, that Beatrice can’t help but love and that Ava can’t help but loudly whine about every week with the same dedication even though the semester started three months ago. It’s the first year their schedules have so little in common, yet they still spend an abundant amount of time together. Sometimes, it’s with the whole group, at Camila’s and Yasmine's or Mary’s or Beatrice’s—Lilith banned them from her place after Ava and Camila broke an entire set of glass while drunkenly trying to slam the rhythm of We will rock you with the kitchen’s cupboards. Sometimes, it’s just the two of them; a lunch between two classes, a jog when Beatrice manages to convince Ava to wake up early in the morning, a drink at the bar or at one of their places.
Today is Monday, and it’s the day they have statistics. They always sit together, out of habit and because it’s easy and fun and the only time they get to share a class. When Ava settles down next to her, only two minutes late, she flashes Beatrice a knowing smile.
“I did some research,” she whispers as the teacher starts talking linear models, and Beatrice glances at her, frowning. “About what we talked about on Saturday.”
It’d be easy to pretend Beatrice doesn’t remember that conversation, even though she’s spent her Saturday evening and her whole Sunday replaying it in her mind. When she doesn’t respond, Ava leans towards her.
“You know, about the po—”
“I know what you’re talking about,” Beatrice whispers, this time incredibly conscious of the dozens of students surrounding them in the amphitheater.
“Oh, good,” Ava grins, leans back against her chair. “So, I found a few websites. Really nice, by the way, I can link them to you if you w—”
“Ava, for the love of God.”
Ava chuckles, a silent shake of her shoulders as she tries to keep quiet while the professor points at the projecting screen with her laser and starts explaining a formula—Beatrice would really like not to miss anything from this class, but she also knows where her priorities stand. And, for better or worse, they’ve been standing at Ava’s vicinity for the past three years now.
“It was nice,” Ava confesses with a smaller smile, and Beatrice’s stomach does a loophole.
“Does that mean you’re…”
“I don’t know.” Ava leans at her side again, her finger tapping on her thigh. She hasn’t even taken her stuff out of her bag yet.
“You don’t know?”
Should they really be talking about this in a full amphitheater? Beatrice guesses, as long as Ava doesn’t mind, she doesn’t either.
“It’s—complicated. Like, was it hot? Yeah, sure. Did I get off while watching it? Definitely.”
Good Lord in heaven. Beatrice keeps her composure intact at the cost of a few thousands brain cells.
“But I don’t know if it’d be for me in real life, you know? Girls are sexy even for straight women, that’s a known fact.”
Well, Beatrice is not so sure about that, but she doesn’t have it in her to contradict Ava at that very moment.
“I think I need to test it out.”
Beatrice’s heart skips a beat. “Test it out?”
“Girls, care to share with the rest of us what seems to be so much more interesting than my class?”
Oh. Oh no. Beatrice’s back snaps straight as a furious blush overtakes her whole face.
“I’m so sorry professor Superion, it won’t happen again.” This. This is her darkest nightmare.
“Sorry teach,” Ava flashes the professor an apologetic smile that makes Superion roll her eyes before getting back to her lesson.
They spend the rest of the class in silence, Beatrice mortified, Ava visibly unaffected, and Ava bolts out of her seat as soon as the bell rings.
“Sorry Bea, I have lab practice today, my next class is at the other side of the campus.”
She’s halfway out of the row when she turns around, runs back towards Beatrice—bothering the half-dozen of students she’s already bothered on the her way out—, plants a kiss on her cheek and chirps, “See you soon!” before once again making her way through the crowded row. Beatrice stays seated, blinks twice, takes a deep breath and puts her notebook and pens away. Somehow, she knows. Whatever Ava has in mind when she says she needs to “test it out”, Beatrice won’t like it.
*
She’s at the gym the next day after class, leaning against the wall as she recovers her breath after breaking into quite a sweat, when she spots Ava walking inside the room. Beatrice takes a swig of her water as she watches her friend wander around aimlessly until she spots Beatrice and lights up so brightly it burns Beatrice’s retinas. Ava walks towards her, now more decisive, smile still crossing her face from ear to ear, a piece of paper in her hand. Before she even opens her mouth, Beatrice lowers her bottle and braces herself; she’s learned her lesson the hard way, no spilling liquid around this time.
“I made a list!” Ava trills.
“A list.”
She doesn’t even wonder how Ava found her. Truth be told, it doesn’t take a private investigator to figure it out; she’s been keeping a pretty steady schedule since the beginning of the school year.
“Yeah!” Oh no. Ava’s grin is wicked. “Of all the things that turn me on when I’m with a boy.”
Jesus Christ. Good thing she lowered that bottle.
“Care to explain?” Beatrice groans.
“I call it the to do list. I figured if I do all of this stuff with a girl and I get turned on, it means I’m also into girls.” It’s truly a wonder of nature how Ava doesn’t care in the slightest about all the people surrounding them as she babbles about her sexuality. “I even have a point system! Look!”
She excitedly shoves the piece of paper to Beatrice’s face, finger pointing at the column on the right, titled “HORNINESS LEVEL/10”.
“Nice uh?” she pumps her eyebrows twice, and Beatrice briefly wonders if she’s having a stroke, if her brain is suddenly making stuff up. That’d be the most logical explanation to whatever the actual—forgive her Lord—fuck is happening right now. “I’ll rate every experience I have with a girl and calculate the average and if it’s above five out of ten then hello! I’m bi!” Ava looks so proud of herself, even though Beatrice feels like her brain is slowly frying out. “I figured you’d like that,” Ava continues. “It’s very sciency.”
“Scientific,” Beatrice mumbles despite herself even though she knows Ava’s inventing words only because, for some unknown reason, she gets a kick at Beatrice correcting her.
“So, what do you think? You in?”
Beatrice blinks. “In what?”
“Helping me check off every item on that list.”
Ava says it as if it’s the most natural thing in the world, as if it doesn’t make Beatrice’s fist clench around her water bottle so hard she crushes the plastic.
“I beg your pardon?” she asks, because she doesn’t know what else to do, because she’s hoping, maybe, she misunderstood the words she so clearly heard coming out of Ava’s grinning mouth.
“It’s nothing too sexual!” Ava adds, as if that would make everything better. “Like, maybe some making out here and there, but I didn’t write down anything that’d cross a line.”
“Anything that’d—Nothing too—What?”
Ava laughs. It’s light, it’s musical, it gives birth to so many butterflies in her stomach as it so often does, and Beatrice hates herself for it. She loves Ava. She loves loving Ava. She wishes she could love her just a little less when Ava’s punching her in the face with utter madness.
“Deep breath, Bea.”
Beatrice obeys.
“Look.” She shakes the piece of paper in front of Beatrice’s face again. “Holding hands at the movies. Breathing in the neck. See? There’s nothing too intense in here!”
“Shoving against the wall,” Beatrice reads out loud, voice a pitch higher than it should, and Ava hastily lowers the paper down.
“Yes, well.” She clears her throat. “I mean I need to try some racy things! Come on, Bea…” Ah, and there they are, those damn puppy eyes Beatrice can never resist, Ava’s ultimate weapon against her. “I don’t want to experiment with some stranger. You’re single, you like girls, you’ll get some sweet action with a smokeshow and I’ll get to explore my sexuality at my own pace! It’s a win-win!”
Except Beatrice’s been madly in love with her for the past three years, except this is the worst idea anyone could ever come up with, except there are about six thousand other reasons to why this is a disaster waiting to happen. Beatrice pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs loudly. She’s never been so certain of anything in her entire life. She lets her hand drop to her side, stares at Ava, remains unmoved even though Ava’s batting her eyelashes at her with a hopeful glint in her big doe eyes, now pressing the piece of paper against her chest.
Beatrice’s about to say a firm, uncompromising, irreversible “no” when her gaze drifts down to the paper and catches the words listed on there. It feels like she suddenly sees them, really sees them, for the very first time. It’s not their meaning, that splits her resolve in half. No. It’s the way they’re written. In lowercase, a bit shaky and uncertain, the letters uneven, a reminder that Ava’s still learning how to write, that not even five years ago Ava was living in a hospital bed, not just sleeping, living, that life is new to her and finally not so cruel, that she’s discovering everything head on, with a bravery and optimism most wouldn’t have. Beatrice looks away, to the people stretching and working out around them; she doesn’t want Ava to see the sadness she knows is showing in her eyes. It’s the most dangerous thought, yet it warms her heart as only the truth could: Ava deserves to do whatever she wants.
“Fine,” she murmurs.
“Fine?”
“I’ll do it.”
“You’ll—Wait, really?!” Ava’s voice bursts with excitement, and even though Beatrice knows she’ll regret this, right now she can’t seem to care about anything but her friend’s blatant happiness. She glances at her, and sure enough there it is; pure joy brightening her stupidly pretty face.
“I expected more resistance,” Ava teases with a smirk.
“I just—” Beatrice frowns, pinches her lips, tries quite vainly to control the blush she feels on her cheekbones. “I know how stubborn you are. And I want you to do this kind of thing with someone you trust.”
Ava’s smile softens. “I do trust you.” It shouldn’t make Beatrice’s breath catch the way it does, and yet.
“You owe me,” she groans.
Ava beams. “Big time.”
“Big, big time.”
Ava chuckles, and Beatrice’s heart sinks in her stomach. Oh, she’s in trouble. She’s in so much trouble.
“I promise it’ll be fun!” Ava says, clenching her piece of paper even harder against her chest and wrinkling it a little.
“We’ll see about that,” Beatrice grumbles.
Ava laughs as if it’s a hilarious joke and not an expression of pure, genuine dread, before sliding her phone out of her pocket and checking the time.
“Oops, gotta go!” Of course. Ava always has places to go to, people to see, minds to literally blow up with impossible shenanigans. “Thank you for this, Bea.”
Beatrice just nods, watches her go away, ignores how soft her name felt on the tip of Ava’s tongue, how warm her body got in the few minutes Ava’s been around, from ears to fingers to lower stomach. She tells herself she can do this. She tells herself it’s a scientific experiment, a pragmatic way to help a friend in need. She tells herself she’ll be fine, they’ll be fine. Ava needs this. And even if Beatrice didn’t get a full read of the whole list, she knows she wants to do every single thing written in there with Ava, probably dreamt about it more than once. Maybe not in that context, but still. As Ava said, it’s a win-win. Right?
Right.