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Your fingers brush for the slightest of moments as you both reach for something on the table, and though it causes him to chuckle amicably, and you to smile gently, not so deep inside, your heart is racing, movements stilted for a brief second.
It's kind of pathetic, you think, to still be embarrassed after knowing each other for so long, but it has been quite a while since you've all reunited face-to-face: despite staying in touch, your different schedules keep you from meeting up as constantly as when you were in school, and as a result of that, every interaction with the object of your affection, no matter how accidental or innocent, causes your hands to shake slightly and your blood to pump faster than usual.
This thing — you and Shun, your whole relationship — has been on your mind ever since you were teens; there were a few moments where, if not interrupted, your friendship could've blossomed into something more intimate, quiet walks as the sun went down and light-hearted laughs by the riverside, but in the end, neither of you ever made a definitive move.
It was your fault, mostly, because, as Yuuki had so eloquently put it more than once, Shun was “clearly into you" and “just waiting for you to smooch his cute, pink lips once and for all", which you now realize is a lot of attention given to your friend's mouth, but his lips are, indeed, very cute and pink.
Yuuki has always been supportive of your intentions, pushing you on to confess or at least mention it, even though you could see the lonely, jealous look on his face whenever you were too close to Shun, thinking you weren't paying attention to him. Somehow, the details of your relationship with Yuuki are easier to sort out than those of yours with Shun.
You meant to do something about it. Whenever you were alone, you rehearsed it in your mind, thinking of the most casual way to confront your childhood friend and say "Hey, I think I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember, and it would be nice if we could, you know, go out and stuff, if you're comfortable with it, of course", but when it came to it, you never had the courage or the right words to say it, Shun’s bright puppy eyes immobilizing you whenever he looked up to meet your face.
Sometimes, you almost felt as if he had something to say, too, the words getting stuck in his throat and coming out twisted, turning into simple formalities and impersonal chatter.
You'd both dated other people during that time as well — your relationship wasn't as successful or intimate as Shun’s, but it was nice while it lasted, and you got a pleasant friendship out of it. Even though you didn't work out as lovers, you two found you had a lot of things in common, and occasionally you spot her at a record shop, her taste still the same as back then, evoking a pleasant feeling of nostalgia when you catch up.
Shun, however, seemed to be genuinely in love, having found someone whom he could relate to and spend his life with, and, surprisingly, you didn't feel too jealous about it. Before anything, he was your friend, and his happiness made you happy as well.
You were never fully sure why it didn't work out between them; probably the result of being teenagers and living too far away from each other in a time where technology wasn't as advanced, causing them to slowly but surely drift apart. Sometimes you wondered how she was doing, and if she'd found love again. She truly was a nice girl.
Yuuki was much quicker to act on his feelings towards Kaname — he's always been bolder than you, and even when you were still in middle school, they were already kind of together (really, the thumb-wrestling incident solidified it once and for all, despite it taking many years after that for them to be frank about their relationship), though neither of them would ever admit to it; which is funny to think about, considering how quick they were to move in together after entering college.
Sneaking a glance at the two of them, you see Yuuki biting playfully at his neck, Kaname barely even pretending to be mad about it, and you smile to yourself, glad to see that your brother is in good hands.
Chizuru and Masaki are still on weird terms to this day — no one truly knows if they're together or not, or if they're on and off again; though, by the way Masaki stifles her laugh before Chizuru even finishes his jokes, you can probably guess that they're not distant at all. They've always been a strange, fun pair, those two.
Back to the matter at hand, someone had apparently asked you a question, which you hadn't heard due to being lost in your internal monologues and musings.
"Hm?" You ask, because you genuinely don't know what was said, and nonchalantly take a sip of your beer, as if you weren't reflecting on your entire life while silent.
“Ah, Yuuta's off to dreamland again." Yuuki comments, popping a snack into his mouth and crunching loudly on it. "We said—,"
"You said,” Kaname corrects him, and Yuuki pays him no mind.
"We said, if you had to date one of us, who would it be?” That kind of question always popped up in your group conversations, no matter how old you got.
When you were kids, you used to reply Yuuki, because he was the one you were closest to, but as time went on and you both started to mature, your answer changed to a safer one.
“Ah, Kaname." Is what you've been replying since you were about twelve, both of you knowing there's no real feeling behind it. Yuuki sighs.
"Bo–ring. You always answer the same thing, Yuuta. Spice it up a little. Plus," he precedes his statement with a sloppy kiss to Kaname's cheek, Kaname brushing him off and wiping it exaggeratedly. "Kaname's already taken.” Chizuru and Shun laugh lightly at that, enjoying the domestic ways of the pair.
Not one to let a topic die, Yuuki continues: “Why don't you go for Chizuru or Masaki? They're single, you know. Or maybe you could try being ho—"
"I don't see why Yuutan would pick Mary!" Chizuru pipes in with a protest before your brother can finish his sentence, turning everyone's attention to him. “Personally, I've never seen him express any interest towards her, and also, why would anyone pick this brat? She's nothing special!" His tone gets louder as he progresses on his speech, slightly slurred by the alcohol he's been consuming.
Masaki kicks him hard on his shin underneath the table, furiously arranging her petticoat. “Shut up, idiot! It's theoretical! And besides, who would ever pick you?" She shoots back, color rushing to her cheeks.
Their faces are so close together whilst yelling at each other that they're practically touching. “Anyone with taste, obviously! I'm an exotic beauty! You'd pick me, right, Yuutan?” He turns to you expectantly, eyes shining with resolution.
“Of course he wouldn't! He'd pick me, a stylish and hardworking girl! It's clear as day who's the best choice here!” Masaki turns towards you as well, her gaze fixated on yours with her eyebrows furrowed. It briefly reminds you of an angry chipmunk.
“Hurry up, Yuuta.” Yuuki urges you on, earning him a side glance from both you and Kaname, which prompts him to raise his hands in faux innocence. Shun simply watches it all unfold, cheeks heating up as he takes another sip of his rice wine. Offhandedly, you realize you've never seen him drink anything but Japanese drinks.
“Ah...” You look at them thoughtfully, tapping your chin as you pretend to seriously ponder upon it. It would be easier to just say Masaki, so it wouldn't hurt her feelings and you'd get a funny reaction out of Chizuru. It's not like you mean it anyway.
Shun smiles at you as he waits for your response, his smile reaching his eyes. You smile back.
“Well then, if I had to pick, it would be Shun.”
Huh?
That's not what you were planning to say at all. As soon as the words involuntarily leave your mouth, the whole world freezes around you, your heartbeat speeding up considerably. Why did you say that?
You're so nervous, you can't even see the faces of those around you, your vision blurry all of a sudden. Are they judging you? Of course they are, Shun wasn't even one of the options, how are you gonna get out of—
“Well, as you said, it is hypothetical, right?” Kaname chimes in, bringing you back to the real world. "These two have always gotten along well. It's just a game." He sips his drink coolly, like it doesn't matter, but from the look he sends your way, you know he realized your slip-up and is trying to cover for you.
Oh, thank goodness. Is all you can think, still recovering from the small crisis you just had. You really owe Kaname one now.
Recollecting your thoughts, you sit up straight with your best poker face, promptly avoiding Shun's gaze, and try to take command of the situation. “It wouldn't be fair to pick one of you.” You explain calmly, hands trembling beneath the table. “I wouldn't want to hurt Masaki's feelings, and you'd get sad if I didn't pick you, Chizuru.” Chizuru pouts at that, as if to imply he wouldn't. You both know that's not true.
“Hmph! It wouldn't have hurt my feelings anyway. As Kaname said, it is just a game.” Masaki replies, shrugging. “Thank you, though.” She's always been nice to you, except for that time she'd made you bleed out by throwing a rock to your head. Good times. You nod, silently thanking her for shifting the focus of the conversation.
There's a small "oh" coming from Shun's direction, but you don't dare to turn your gaze towards him, your face still slightly red. Silence hangs a bit awkwardly between the group for a brief moment, your slip-up bringing down the mood.
“It's getting late. We should probably get going." Kaname comments, sparing a glance to his watch and finishing his last gulp of beer. It's already half past 10, and although none of you have work the next day, it was probably best to recover from the hangover sooner rather than later.
You agree, calling up a waiter. “I live around the train station. I'll take you guys there.”
Everyone moves quickly after that, swiftly avoiding the thick layer of tension left hanging in the air. Chizuru and Masaki are still bickering on the way to the station, and you swear you can see her pigtails moving as she emotes, accusations being thrown around with no real ill-will.
Yuuki and Kaname take the first train, Yuuki stammering slightly with a bright flush on his cheeks, carried along by a pissed off Kaname, who could not adjust his glasses due to fear of his boyfriend falling off. The group waves them goodbye lightheartedly, a bit amused by their antics. You text Kaname as soon as they take off, asking him to message you when they get home, even though you know he'll take good care of your brother.
Soon after them it's Chizuru and Masaki, headed to different places but in the same train, and as they enter you observe with your heart warming up that they take a seat next to each other, Masaki fixing Chizuru's blonde hair as he laughs, less drunk than he pretends to be. He winks at you a second before the doors close, and you smile.
After that, it's just you and Shun, waving goodbye to your friends as their train leaves. Shun sits right next to you, putting on his gloves — handmade and pink, a gift from his niece, who's been really into knitting lately —, and shakes his legs playfully, resting his head on your shoulder with a smile. It's hard not to put yours over his as well.
"Is your train coming soon, Shun?" You ask out of nervousness, swallowing dry, in order to break the silence (which is actually extremely pleasant, and that's what drives you to break it), and turn your face towards him.
Shun chuckles, his vibrations reverberating across your body. It's a feeling you could easily get used to. “Ah, my train stopped running about an hour ago." He says, matter of factly, as if this were of no concern to him.
You wonder what's going through his head, because yours is entirely blank.
“Ah, is that so." Is what you manage to reply, seeing as there aren't many words on your mind that don't involve taking this conversation into an entirely different direction, like, you can move in right now, if you want to, there's actually an empty drawer that you can use and I have a spare toothbrush—
“Yuuta-kun lives near the station though, right? Would it be a bother if I stayed at your place tonight?” It appears, however, that your fate was sealed, whether you wanted to be the one to doom yourself or not.
A hundred thoughts run through your mind as you hear that, but not one of them involves not letting him stay over — there's just no way you can deny him when he looks so tired and vulnerable, and, to be honest, you wouldn't refuse any of his requests no matter the circumstances. It's not your fault that you have no resistance towards Shun Matsuoka, the most dangerous and lovely threat out there.
Instead of making up an excuse or outright denying him like a panicked, dumb teenager, you decide to act like the 24 year old adult you are, humming softly in approval.
"Of course not,” you manage to actually meet his eyes as you speak, denoting confidence. Smooth. “You can stay as long as you want." Oops. That was probably overdoing it.
Your phone buzzes in your pocket — you ignore it, because Shun's looking right at you, smile still present on his face, and there's nothing you want to do more than kiss him right then and there.
"Mm, I'll likely just stay the night, but thank you for the offer, Yuuta-kun.” You really wish he'd drop the formalities sometime. Despite knowing that's just the way he is, somehow, it still feels like a barrier between you two, and you'd really like to brag about being the only one Shun refers to without honorifics.
"Yeah, of course." You truly do love him. You're not much of a superstitious person, but perhaps you should've wished on shooting stars more often when you all came back from school together, everyone speaking over each other and pointing excitedly at the sky. If they'd listened to your wishes, maybe you'd be holding his hand right now.
Shun reminds you of his presence by looking up at you, chuckling a bit at your dumb face. "Lost in thought?" He asks, innocently, because of course he does. Everything about him is like that.
You apologize, shifting your bag around before standing up. You need to get moving if you want your mind to stop running.
"Yeah, sorry. I might've had too much to drink." That was a lie. You did drink a bit, but the game incident sobered you up on the spot. You wish you were drunk so you could justify the directions your mind's taken you, but alas, you have no one to blame but yourself.
Shun stands up as well, following you closely for warmth. It got really cold during this time of the year, even indoors. Absentmindedly, you wonder if you remembered to turn the heater on before leaving.
"Mm, I think I did too. I got carried away because I was having a lot fun." That was true. Shun looks like a lightweight, but he can hold his liquor far more than most people you know, a strength picked up from years of his sisters bullying him into drinking with them.
The walk back home is mostly quiet, aside from some spare remarks about the weather, and the desire to build a snowman. It's been a good while since you last did that. You take off your shoes when you arrive, setting your bag aside on the table.
"Welcome home." You greet him, in a slightly joking tone.
"I'm home!" Shun replies, cheery, hanging his scarf and hat on the coat rack, and leaving his gloves neatly on the table. "I haven't been here in a bit, huh? Has anything changed?" He asks, looking around.
You think about it for a second, while confirming that yes, you did turn the heater on. "Ah," you realize, feeling the warmth take over your body. "I bought a heater."
He perks up at that, looking in the same direction as you to confirm it. "It's true! It's so warm here now, Yuuta-kun." You melt a bit at the sound of your name, as per usual. "I've been meaning to buy one myself… It must be so cold back home!"
If he moved in with you, there'd be no need for him to buy one, but you can't say that, so you simply agree, watching as he huddles closer to it.
He rambles on after that, talking about his cats, the new sweets shop that opened near his house, and his little brother, who just moved in with his girlfriend. You watch him speak as he paces around the room, his hands gesturing along with the stories he tells. He's always been interesting to observe.
His hair is long now, longer than the last time you saw him. It's almost to his shoulders, a length that he hadn't let it get to since you were in highschool. It moves as he talks, loose curls bobbling all over the place, and you feel the need to brush it just as you used to, your hands on his hair, braiding it as slowly as possible just so you had an excuse to touch him for a bit longer.
Always next to each other, the two of you. Always finding a way to stick close.
Your heart aches, remembering how much of your lives you've spent together, and yet never gathered the courage to act on your feelings. For a second, you feel incredibly old.
"Good thing Yuuta-kun let me stay over, huh?" You hear him say, interrupting your melancholy, and you smile.
"Of course."
There's still time. It's never too late, and he's right in front of you — you're both here, just as you were at five, just as you were at fifteen, and, hopefully, just as you'll always be. You can still do something about it. You stand up, propelled by a sudden bolt of courage.
It's quite dark in there, the only lights brightening up the room being those of the moon and the buildings outside. They shine softly on his face, giving him more of a mature look; it's not the same expression of innocence you're used to, and yet it's still so intrinsically him. His eyes meet yours, and you feel so enthralled by them that you can't bring yourself to look away.
It's just the two of you now, standing in the middle of your kitchen at night, no one else to disrupt you. Though your heart is racing, somehow, your mind feels incredibly calm, because a proximity like this is commonplace to you. You can't recall a time in your life when you were truly away from each other.
Shun inches closer to you, without you realizing. You don't quite remember how to move, right now.
You feel his breath on your face, warm and smelling faintly of alcohol, but mostly of him, strawberries and tea and sweetness. This kind of intimacy isn't as familiar, but it's not at all unwelcome. Your calm thoughts rapidly dissipate from your brain, leaving behind a big empty void in their place, as if your soul were drifting away.
There's no longer any distance between you, suddenly.
His lips touch yours, timid but certain.
Before your mind kicks into gear and you can fully comprehend what's happening, you find your mouths linked together, conjoined in a messy, awkward, sort-of-almost kiss, Shun being the one to take the initiative, his hands cupping your cheeks.
Everything stops.
Your hands are shaking violently, and you don't truly know where to put them or what to do with them, because your mind is too busy trying to understand what just happened.
Your lips feel the slightest bit wet, red cheeks burning up with embarrassment and nervousness, panting breaths barely registering, and through cloudy eyes you attempt to look at the boy in front of you, nearly as shocked as you are, though not quite as meek.
His eyes are huge and bright, with the characteristic pureness that you've come to associate with him over the years, and yet something hides underneath them: a certain kind of hunger, a want, a need for more. His hands reach up to pull you closer again, and you flinch instinctively, immediately regretting doing so as you see his face fall while retreating.
“Shun, I—" You try to speak, but your throat tightens up as soon as the words leave your mouth, and you feel on the verge of a breakdown.
You need to say something quick, remedy the situation; this is all you could've ever wanted, and yet Shun looks crestfallen, afraid of having misinterpreted your signals: you attempt to convey that no, that's impossible, please, Shun, I want this so much, but you're frozen in place, heartbeat loudly audible.
You've waited so long for this that it actually happening is too challenging to comprehend. You feel as though you were in a dream, your decisions out of your control.
Everything feels as if it's moving incredibly slowly, and you don't know what to say. You're looking at Shun straight in the eyes as he begins, eyes watery: "I'm sorry, Yuuta-kun, I thought—"
You kiss him before he can finish his sentence, as if on autopilot. You're not completely in charge of your actions as this happens, but it's your body's natural reaction to such a situation.
It's sloppy; your hands cup his cheeks passionately as you join your mouths, teeth clashing momentarily before you adapt to each other's bodies. You're gripping him with incredible force as if to say, I'm here, I feel the same way, I'm sorry, but also because you're afraid that as soon as you let go you'll wake up, finding out that it was a mere figment of your imagination. You want to stay in this moment for as long as you can.
Your tongues meet each other halfway through the kiss, making an even bigger mess than before. Seconds feel like centuries when you're forced to pull away to catch your breath, the pounding in both your head and heart making it almost impossible to hear what's happening around you.
Shun looks wobbly at best, the intensity of the occurrences seemingly having gotten to him as well; his eyes look like spirals, but they also do their best to stare directly into your soul. His, however, appears to be drifting off from his body.
It's hard to grasp that this is real.
If you died right now, you would be happy; but you're alive, so you need to say something, otherwise Shun will think you've gone mad.
It takes a lot more courage than you thought. "I love you, Shun." You manage to say, rushedly, looking him in the eyes as you do.
He's silent — you gather up the strength to talk. "I've loved you since before I knew what love was." You feel yourself tearing up a bit. You're not one to cry, but it's not something you can control at this moment.
There's another beat of silence after you say this, and now you're the scared one, thinking this might have all been a prank or a misunderstanding. You're still cupping each other's faces, not quite believing this is real yet.
"Yuuta-kun…" Shun mumbles, getting teary eyed himself.
That's enough encouragement to get you to keep talking. "I love you so much," you stutter, bringing your forehead to his. "That I couldn't bring myself to mention it. I didn't want to ruin what we have."
You are, in your essence, a very shy person. These words are hard for you to say, but you'll do anything if it's for Shun's sake. You mean everything you've said.
There's a brief pause, and for a moment your previous fears come back to you, but your pessimistic thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Shun crying, quickly becoming muffled when he buries his head into your chest, holding onto your shoulders for support.
"You're mean," Shun sniffles, trying to choke back his tears. "Very mean. How can you say that–" he gulps, looking up at you with the shiniest eyes you've ever seen. "When I've clearly been in love with you all my life, too?"
That isn't necessarily a shocking revelation, but you are taken aback by it. Sure, you might've projected your own feelings onto his actions, reading too much into everything he said and did, but you were never confident that he liked you like that. For all you knew, Shun was just this friendly with everyone.
You think of asking him why he never mentioned it, either, but that's a conversation for later. For now, you put your hands over his, still gripping you with a certain amount of force, and you apologize. "I'm sorry, Shun," you're pretty sure you hear him mumbling 'dummy' under his breath. "I never realized you felt the same way." You would've said something if you did, obviously. You're not that much of a masochist.
"–thought it was obvious." He manages to choke out half of a phrase, his words caught in-between a sob and a laugh. He lets go of you to wipe his tears, and then laughs a bit more, causing the tears to flood back out. "I'm not that naïve, you know. I wouldn't have asked to sleep at your house if I weren't flirting."
"Shun–" you start, but are interrupted.
"Do you think I'm this touchy with everyone?" He's joking, though quite a bit of tears are still falling from his eyes, emotion completely overwhelming him — and you, too, as you feel your chest tighten for the umpteenth time that night.
"I didn't want to assume anything." Your tone is humorous as well, because you don't want to admit you kept trying to convince yourself this was just in your head.
"I really love you, Yuuta-kun. You're my best friend." His voice is steadier now, confidence slowly coming back to him. He grabs one of your hands, tracing circles over it with his thumb. It does soothe you, as well. "We've always done everything together. I'd follow you anywhere, you know."
"I'm sorry I didn't realize sooner," you apologize, the interaction feeling more normal as you get used to everything that happened. "I wouldn't know what to do if I lost you, Shun."
"That's impossible." He declares, his seriousness awakening something in you. "I'd never let go of you."
Quite a bit of time passes after that. You both open up about a lot of things you've kept secret, recounting tales of teenage pining and many dreams of a life together, laughs and tears shared over a just-opened bottle of sake, a housewarming gift from your father, waiting patiently on the shelf for an important occasion.
It's late when you finish drinking, blood flowing warmly through your veins and body loose. Shun stands up, stumbling a bit, and releases a huge sigh, as if it's been trapped inside him for years.
"Well, it doesn't matter now," he says, walking towards the window, looking up at the moon and the star-filled sky, your old telescope somewhere around the house. "We can't change the past, but we still have our whole lives ahead of us." He turns his head around to look at you, a patient smile on his face. "If you'd like to, we can make up for lost time together."
"If you'd allow that," you go in his direction, looking outside as well, before turning towards him. "I'd love nothing else but to spend the rest of my days with you, Shun."
There's nothing else left to say, now. You enjoy your silence together, taking in the scenery and thinking over what has been said up to this point. You love him, and he loves you. It's only natural to be at peace knowing this.
The momentary quietness is broken by Shun's exclamation. "Ah, Yuuta-kun!" You feel him tug on your sweater, pointing upwards. "Look, a shooting star!" He relays excitedly, closing his eyes to make a wish. You follow suit, making sure to repeat it three times so it's fulfilled. Never too late to try new things, you guess.
"What did you ask for, Shun?" You ask after it fades away, looking down at him, who looks positively beaming.
"You know it won't come true if I say it, Yuuta-kun." He reminds you, and you chuckle. "Though, I'm sure you can guess, can't you?"