Archive of Our Own

"I am strong, I am pretty, I am confident. I am brave, I can do it," I said to my empty car, repeating the final mantras of the self-help video I was listening to.

It all felt like a reach. I was stronger than I used to be, but all that meant was I didn't let people treat me like shit anymore. Mostly. I was pretty with the right angles, lighting, and makeup. Otherwise, I was just…there. Average. Still, it was so much better than how I used to look. Confident…well, I did stand up to my boss the other day, told him why his idea wouldn't work, and pitched mine without stuttering, so maybe I could keep that? At least I was sometimes.

As for whether I could do it, well I had already driven two hours to get here, my hotel wasn't going to refund me the cost of my room, and I could see the sign for my exit right up ahead. It was too late to turn back now, no matter how tempting it was.

Going home meant failure. It would mark me as a loser. And sure, according to some people, I was. All my friends were online, as well as my hobbies, and I didn't exactly go out much, but I had a good tech job that even let me work at home. I made enough to live in an expensive part of New York, get GRS, all the laser and electrolysis I needed, save enough to retire before 50, and still have no idea what to do with the rest. Statistically, I was performing way above the average. I didn't think I was a loser.

That should be the only opinion that mattered.

I pulled off the highway and down a local road before my GPS had me turn into the hotel parking lot. A big banner that said "Welcome 2001 Graduates of Douglas High School" was strung up over the entrance. I swallowed the knot in my throat. My hands were way too sweaty considering the temperature I had the AC set to.

"I am strong, I am pretty, I am confident, I am brave, I can do this," I said as I parked and got out of my car. It was warm outside. I dressed perfectly for the weather. I glanced at my reflection in my car and gave myself a quick once over. I looked nice. The red highlights I'd gotten in my chestnut hair a few weeks ago were still vibrant. My hairdresser had done a good job. I'd worn a flowy black skirt and white top that I'd gotten compliments for before. I would've been more comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, but that was the easy way out. I wanted to challenge myself.

I slowly walked across the parking lot. I was already a bit late, but what did it matter? I wasn't going to stay very long. I just wanted to show everyone that I wasn't the person they tried to make me.

The doors slid open for me. The AC hit me full force. I shivered. I checked in at the desk and was directed to the open doors of the hotel's ballroom. People milled about inside. I headed in. People were dressed in an eclectic mix of formal and streetwear. No one seemed to be paying any mind. It put me at ease. I was just another person here. No one was even going to recognize me with how much I changed.

"Excuse me, ma'am, could I get your name?"

The question made me jump. I turned and saw Sarah Patton sitting beside a table with a bunch of name tags laid out in front of her. She looked just like I remembered her. She even had her pretty red hair cut in the same pixie cut she had back in school. It still suited her. I smiled. We were never really friends, but we always had quiet camaraderie. Sarah had gotten bullied a lot too.

"Harmony Ray," I said. "It's nice to see you, Sarah. You look nice."

"Thank you! But I…I don't know if I remember you. I knew a guy with the last name Ray, but—" Sarah finally put it together. She beamed up at me and stood. "Oh my God! It's you! You look amazing! I honestly didn't think you'd come! And I didn't expect this. Just…wow. Good first impression."

My cheeks grew warm. I hadn't expected such a sincere compliment. It hadn't even crossed my mind that I looked 'amazing.'

"Thanks. That's really nice of you and honestly, I was on the fence about coming but…I don't know. I saw the invite and I thought it'd be fun."

Sarah nodded. "Sort of the same for me. I wouldn't be here if my wife hadn't pointed out that I could volunteer to give out the name tags, get to see everyone, and then leave if I wanted."

She had a wife! One clever enough to give her an idea that I wish I could've come up with. If there weren't so few name tags left, I would've asked Sarah if I could've stuck around and handed them out too.

"Wife, huh? Congratulations," I said.

"It's nice to know that I'm not the only queer person in our class. Oh, and so you know in case you run into them, Rita Morales and Victoria Montgomery are here," she said.

Fuck. I had hoped so hard I wouldn't hear those names tonight. "Are they —"

"Like they were back in school?" Sarah asked. She shrugged. "They were polite to me when they came in, so I don't really know. Maybe they changed. I doubt it, but maybe."

"Yeah, people can change a lot," I said. I hoped they had. It'd make it so much easier if they were normal, well-adjusted people instead of the sadistic bullies who had made it their mission to make my life as miserable as possible. Of all the people who had ever bullied me, from the daycare until now, they had stuck in my memory the most.

"Yeah, anyway, the bar is over there, " Sarah said, pointing at an area where quite a few people were clustered, partially obscuring the counter. "Feel free to find me some other time tonight if you want to. It was nice to see you."

"You too!" I said and walked deeper into the venue. I had to fight the urge to stick around her and just talk to her all night, but I didn't come all the way here to stand at the mouth of the cave instead of going in.

I wormed my way through the crowd at the bar and got myself a cosmopolitan. Among the crowd, I saw two people I recognized. A woman named Molly and a man called Cooper. Molly was smiling and was dressed in a nice cocktail dress. She had dyed her hair blond. Cooper was dressed in a suit. They had been high school sweethearts and had even won the senior superlative for best couple, but judging by the polite distance they kept from one another now, their relationship hadn't lasted.

"Hey, Molly, Cooper," I said, waving at them. I took a sip of my drink. "How have y'all been?"

They looked over at me curiously. I forced myself to stand up straighter. No matter how many times I came out, it was still awkward. I pointed to my name tag. "It's uh…my last name was Ray? I go by Harmony now."

"Oh! Oh, wow," Molly said. "You — okay. So those rumors really were true?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah. I mean, I guess some of them were," I said. "Most of those weren't, just so you know. I wasn't — yeah," I said. Fuck, I couldn't be stumbling through the conversation this early. I took another drink and rallied. "I'm different now. I work in tech now and live in New York. It's a good life."

"Damn, tech in New York? Do they pay you a lot?" Cooper asked.

"Yeah, they pay me a lot," I said, trying to sound casual. I thought it still came off as a boast.

"Good for you! I'm glad you made it. It was pretty fucked up the way a lot of people treated you back then. I'm happy it didn't get to you," Cooper said.

I hummed my agreement. He was wrong in thinking it hadn't gotten to me, but time had healed some of the wounds, even if scars remained.

"What do you do for work? Are you doing well?" I asked.

"I own a plumbing business. I like it. Keeps me busy. My life is good," Cooper said.

"I'm a CPA," Molly said. She brushed her hair out of her face. "I just got a promotion too, actually. And my husband proposed last week. So my life is awesome too."

I smiled and sipped at my drink. I was almost finished. I probably shouldn't have drunk it so fast, but it was hard to pace myself when my chest was as tight as it was.

"I'm happy for you."

Molly sipped at her wine and consider something. She took a half-step towards me. "By the way, I know it doesn't matter now, but what Cooper said was true. People treated you terribly back in high school, and it wasn't right. I should've said something about it, but I never did. It was easier not to. That was wrong of me. I'm really happy you're doing well too."

I was stunned. The last thing I had expected was an apology, especially from people who hadn't done anything wrong. It left me feeling warmer than the alcohol. My face was so hot. She was wrong to say her apology didn't matter.

I wondered if Victoria and Rita felt sorry too.

"Thank you. Both of you," I said.

We chatted for a few minutes longer before they moved on. A few other people drifted over and said hi. We all had conversations very similar to the one I'd had with Molly and Cooper. I even got another apology from a woman named Ryan for being one of the people that had spread rumors about me.

It irritated me that everyone I’d ever gone to school with knew me as the kid who got bullied, but at least the people I’d gone to high school with had grown up enough to realize it was wrong. My irritation was further smoothed over by the compliments they gave me on my job. Other people thought I was doing good too. It wasn't a lie I had convinced myself of.

I finished my second drink at the bar, then walked away from it. I didn't want to give myself a chance to have a third drink when I was already feeling a bit tipsy. Maybe I'd get my stuff from my car and leave now. I'd proven to myself and my classmates that all the bullying hadn't destroyed me. My mission was complete.

Some people filtered away from a group to the right of the exit. It was then that I saw Victoria and Rita, standing together and chatting. They both held glasses of red wine. Rita was dressed in a tight, crimson dress that stopped at her knees and showed off her generous curves. Her dark curly hair was perfectly styled. Her lips were painted a bright red.

Victoria was her opposite, wearing a loose and flowing blue dress that danced right at the edge of being too formal. Her long blond hair was twisted into a long braid. She clearly still went to the gym, because she had muscle. The heels she wore pushed her past being tall and put her right in the same category as an Amazon.

My stomach dropped. Heat filled in the gap. Aging had only enhanced their beauty. They were the sort of women who commanded attention just by stepping into the room. I looked away and wished I hadn't skipped out on the third drink. I wasn't ready to see them and I sure as hell wasn't ready for my reaction.

It was fucked up, to be attracted to people who had treated you so poorly. A therapist would've had a field day if they knew how often the two of them had drifted through my mind over the years. After what they'd done to me, the only thing I should feel when looking at them was disgust and revulsion, not admiration.

I remembered what Sarah had said. About them being polite coming in. Was it so ridiculous to think they'd changed? I'd never forgive them for the way they treated me, but an apology for them or an acknowledgment of my success? It'd mean more from them than anyone else in the room.

I drifted closer. Maybe overhearing a conversation of theirs would tell me a bit about them. I could decide from there. And if they even gave the barest hint of being awful to me, the exit was right there. I wished Sarah was still at the nametag table so I had another line of defense, but I could make do without her. I was strong.

I settled by a small group of people I didn't recognize talking quietly amongst one another. Behind the wall of their bodies, were Rita and Victoria. I strained to hear them, but I couldn't make out any of their words. Suddenly, the group I had been hiding behind walked past and towards the bar. Victoria glanced at them as they left.

Our eyes locked.

She smiled wide and nudged Rita. Rita's eyes sparked. They linked arms and walked over. I was rooted in place. My lungs were running at half capacity. My heart pounded.

"I thought you looked familiar. Could it really be you?" Rita asked. She glanced down at my name tag. "Harmony Ray…now, I don't want to be presumptions, but the Ray I knew didn't have a sister."

"I…yeah. I don't. It's me," I said.

"Harmony is a nice name," she said. She offered her hand. Her skin was flawless. "Is it bad to say that I saw this coming?" she asked.

I shook her hand. It was soft. I noticed her nails were trimmed short and painted the same crimson as her lips. "I guess not. I think…I think a lot of people did," I said.

"Mm, you did always strike me as different," Rita said.

"So you're not even going to say hi to me?" Victoria asked. Her voice was sharp and demanding. It was the same tone she used to get my attention back in school. My gaze snapped to hers. She smiled and extended her hand.

"No, I wasn't — shit. Sorry. Hi Victoria," I said.

Victoria grinned and held out her hand. "It's okay. It's nice to see you, Harmony. How have you been?"

I shook her hand. Her hand was so delicate compared to mine. Even though Victoria was taller than me, I felt so big standing next to her. Both her figure and Rita's reminded me of how misshapen my body was. I could never fix my broad shoulders or narrow hips. I could only live with them.

"Life is happening, I guess. I’m good.” I said.

"You're good? What does good mean?" Victoria asked.

"I—"

"If you don't want to answer the question, then say that. That's less rude than dodging it," she continued.

"No — it's fine. It's really fine. I'm just — I don't have that much to talk about," I said, stumbling to reply.

"Oh, come on, I'm sure that's not true," Rita said. She grabbed my arm and patted it. "Oh, Harmony, relax. We're not going to hurt you. We just want to catch up with an old friend."

There was no way she thought we were ever friends. She was saying that to mess with me. I tried to pull away, but her grip, no matter how light, made me feel like I had a ball and chain on.

"Exactly, we're just trying to catch up," Victoria said. "So tell us, what have you been up to?"

"I uh, I graduated college with a degree in computer science. I got a job and now I work in tech in New York City," I said.

Victoria quirked up an eyebrow. "And?"

"I…what do you mean?" I asked.

"A life is more than a job and where you live. Tell me about trips you've taken and the friends you have. Are you married? Boyfriend?" Victoria asked.

"Victoria, she doesn't have a boyfriend, don't be silly," Rita said.

I flinched. "Hey, I—"

"She's obviously a dyke, isn't that right?" Rita cut me off.

The heat in my stomach twisted. The insult shouldn't have caused that. It was so fucked up that it did and more fucked up that her bare hand on my arm was distracting me enough that it stopped me from coming up with a good response. I shouldn't have worn anything short-sleeved. It'd been a mistake.

"Aren't you? Rita asked after I didn't respond. She glided closer. Her body was inches from mine.

"That's — I'm, you can't call people that," I said.

She laughed. Victoria joined her. It was mean. It made me feel small, like I was cornered rat, only I didn't dare to show my teeth.

"It's fine, Rita is a dyke too. So am I. You're in good company," Victoria said. She grabbed my other arm. Her nails pressed into it. "Women are so much more interesting than men."

"That's why you got so much of our attention, you know?" Rita said. "We could tell what you were. If you were just another boy, we wouldn't have cared."

"You're gay?" I asked, stunned.

"We actually found out because of you," Victoria said. "It's a fun little story."

I reminded myself that I couldn't believe a word they were saying. They hadn't bullied me because they knew I had a lot of feelings about my gender. They'd done it because I'd been weak and I'd let them. I couldn't let them know.

"I think I should go?" I said, hating that it came out as a question.

"You're not even going to ask us how we are in return? Really? Do you think you're better than us because you live in New York and have some tech job?" Victoria asked, her grip on my arm tightening.

"No?"

"Why are you saying that like it's a question, you either do or you don't," Victoria said. "The first thing you told us about yourself was your job and how much money you were making, you skipped all the other stuff. It sounds like you think money is the only thing that matters."

"I hope that's not all you care about. It'd be a bit pathetic," Rita added.

"I didn't mean anything like that."

"Just in case money is all that matters to you, we have plenty. We founded a makeup brand called Allure. I figure since you make so much money, you must've heard of it. We're the most popular luxury brand on the market," Victoria said.

"Victoria, just look at her makeup. It looks like she got it at a drugstore and treats it like that too. She's never heard of Allure," Rita jabbed.

Every insult was like sandpaper grinding away my skin and muscle and fat until all that was left were nerves. I needed to get away. To just leave. They weren't going to start a fight with me in the middle of the reunion. If I just moved, I'd be fine.

"Hey, pay attention," Victoria said and snapped her fingers.

I blinked. Victoria was staring at me. I looked away, but I only found Rita.

"Victoria, you're being too harsh. Can't you see she's getting overwhelmed? We should go somewhere quieter. Come to our room," Rita said.

She linked her arm with mine. Vitoria did the same. Together, they walked me forward and towards the exit. I followed helplessly, feeling like I was a puppet and they held my strings.

Right before we exited into the ballroom, Sarah came out of nowhere and stood in front of us. Her face was hard. My next breath came easier. Thank God.

"Hey Sarah," Rita said cheerfully. "I wasn't sure if I'd see you again before we left. You have very good timing."

"Where are you going?" Sarah asked.

"Our room. Why?" Victoria asked.

"Harmony, you're going with them to their room?" Sarah asked me.

"She was the one who wanted to leave. The venue is a bit overwhelming for her," Rita said.

"Harmony, do you want to leave with them?" Sarah asked.

Victoria sighed. "If she wanted to leave she'd—"

"Was I talking to you?" Sarah snapped.

"Excuse me?"

"When I asked that question, was it directed to you or Harmony?" Sarah asked.

Rita rolled her eyes. "Harmony. Tell her you're coming with us."

Sarah met my eyes. I could feel her concern. She had been strong and thrown me a lifeline. I just needed to grab it. All it'd take was a single shake of my head, the slightest indication that I was being coerced, and she'd pull me away from them.

"It's fine," I said, my lips shaping the words before my brain could catch up. "Don't worry."

"There you have it. She was fine and we're telling you she's fine. There is no one else we forgot to ask. Now get out of the way," Victoria said.

Sarah held my eyes. I didn't move. I saw the second her concern turned to pity, and then disgust. I looked down at the floor. She should be disgusted with me. I was disgusted with me.

Sarah stepped out of our way. Victoria and Rita led me to the elevator and pressed the call button. I looked at my reflection in the steel. I had been wrong to think I looked nice. Rita was right about my makeup. It was a mess. The heat in my cheeks led to an ugly red patchiness too. There was no confidence to be found in my expression. Only fear. No wonder Srah had tried to save me.

The doors parted. I was marched inside. They hit the button for the top floor. The silence was suffocating. Victoria still seemed irritated about our encounter with Sarah. I was desperate to smooth things over.

"I'm sorry for not asking how y'all were," I said.

"It's fine. That place was bad to talk in. Our room will be much more private," Rita.

“So y'all are rooming together?" I asked.

"You know — I thought Victoria was being kind of harsh when she was calling you rude, but you're really not listening, are you?"

"No, I am. I promise. I'm just surprised."

"You should be over that by now, but obviously you haven't put things together yet," Victoria said. She swept a strand of hair out of her face. "We're together. We have been since high school."

It was like someone had finally thrown the lights, only in a massive warehouse and only half of them worked. I didn't want to find out the answer to any of them. I needed to get away from them. The elevator doors opened. We stepped out. I made my move.

"So, um, you were right the hall. It was crowded and a lot. But now that I'm out of I think I'll go back to my room and—"

"Really?" Victoria asked.

"I just don't want to take up your time," I tried to explain."

Victoria looked more disgusted than Sarah had. "We've been trying to be nice, but whenever we ask for a little bit of that kindness back, you throw it in our faces. I don't know why we're even bothering with you, if you're going to be this bad of a friend. You're right, may as well go if you're going to act like this."

"Wait i—"

"No, just go. I'm done with you," Victoria said. She pushed me away. Rita wrapped her arms around me from behind.

"She can apologize to us still," Rita said, poking her head out from behind me. "Can't you?" she asked.

"But I didn't—"

"How is she going to apologize when she's acting like that?" Victoria said. "Fuck, what's wrong with you? Seriously. Can't you have a normal human interaction?"

I pressed my thighs together and shut my eyes. This shouldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening. God, why did my brain have to work like this?

"I think you're missing something," Rita said.

"What?"

"Just look."

Someone snapped right in my face. My eyes flew open. Victoria was right in front of me. She grabbed my chin and forced it back up. Rita prevented me from moving away.

"Oh, I see the problem," she said. She grinned. "Oh my God, Rita, I get it now."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I know exactly what it is," Victoria purred. Her voice was so heavy with implication.

I wanted the sun to flare and consume the earth. I wanted a plane to suddenly crash into the hotel. I wanted an earthquake to send me plummeting through the floor. I prayed to every God I knew that she wasn't referring to what I was afraid she was. They couldn't know. They just couldn't. Right? Victoria dug her nails into my cheeks.

"I changed my mind. You're coming to our room to apologize," Victoria said.

"I knew you'd come around. You can be so dramatic," Rita said.

"She deserves to be left out here, but luckily, I believe in second chances."

Victoria walked away. Rita pulled me after her. I almost tripped. Rita didn't stop moving. They led me into a room at the end of the hall. Rita pushed me in and locked the door. The sound of it snapping shut made my helplessness worse. I looked around the hotel room. It was a full suite, complete with a small living room and kitchen. At least my prison was in the nicest room the hotel had to offer.

Victoria grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where a massive king-size bed took up most of the space. She pushed me onto it. I heard the door shut and locked. I moved back until I could sit up against the headboard. Rita and Victoria stood side by side, inspecting me like I was a recently adopted shelter cat they'd brought home.

"I'm sorry. For whatever I did, I'm sorry, okay? I really am," I said.

"If you're sorry, all you have to do is let us finish catching up with you. Then you can leave," Rita said.

"Really?"

"God, you're acting like we kidnapped you. You came with us, remember? No one made you. You had your chance to leave." Victoria said.

Until they dragged me into their room with them. Not that I said that. They'd taught me long ago that fighting them was pointless. They'd been beating the lesson in ever since then. It was better to go give in.

"Okay. We can catch up. I'll listen," I said.

"Good. Now, we had a whole story of how we learned we were gay and started our company that we wanted to tell you about before you rushed us out of there," Rita said. She started to sit, then frowned at her dress. "No, first, we're getting changed. I'm not wearing this dress."

Rita grabbed the thin straps on her shoulders and slid them off. She started to roll the dress off her body.

"What are you doing?" I asked, unable to hide the panic. They could not be stripping in front of me. It couldn't happen. My seeing them undressed was something they could so easily twist against me. I looked down at the bed.

"Getting changed? I told you." The rustling of clothes continued. They got changed quickly.

"You should — no, you're getting changed. You were sweating in your clothes so bad you looked like you were back in Coach Pierce's class. You shouldn't be in bed with clothes that gross. Take them off," Victoria said.

"Okay. But I— my bag is in my car. I have to get them. To get changed," I said, hoping they'd accept the excuse."

"Just sit in your underwear until we're finished talking. We're all women here, after all. Why do you care if we see you in your underwear?" Rita said.

"It's weird," I said. There were so many reasons why I would care, but the only one I could come up with was that.

"Come on, Harmony. Stop being difficult. It's not like catching up is going to take hours. Take off your gross clothes."

"My clothes are fine," I protested.

"They're not and I'm done arguing with you," Victoria said. She strode forward and put her hand on my shoulder, allowing me to feel her strength. Now that I was panicking about both of them touching me, I realized how strong she was. She must've lifted weights, while the most exercise I got was walking to the subway and back to my apartment. "You have five seconds to take them off or I'm going to do it for you."

I opened my eyes and looked at my lap. I could see Vitoria's hand on my arm. I could see my hands shaking. The knot if my chest had grown so tight that it couldn't have been cut with diamond. The awful, sinful flips my stomach was doing wouldn't stop.

"5," Victoria said.

I grabbed the hem of my shirt.

"4," she said.

I pulled it off. My hands shook a bit. I told myself it was easier to obey than deal with the humiliation of Victoria forcing me.

"3," she continued.

I wiggled out of my skirt, folded it and my shirt, and put them in front of me on the bed, leaving me in a pair of black boy shorts and my black bralette. My breasts had never grown big enough to warrant anything more and I had no interest in paying for implants. The weight of their eyes one made me wish I had. I didn't need to look at them to know that my body was nothing compared to theirs. I kept my eyes on the bed.

"You filled out nicely. We had you pegged from the start," Rita said. "You know, that's why none of the boys bullied you, right? They looked at you and could just tell you weren't one of them. I'm amazed it took you so long to embrace it."

I pulled my knees to my chest. Was it really that obvious? I had felt weird about my body since puberty, but I didn't know transitioning was possible until I graduated and happened to run into a trans person in one of my college classes, so I doubted anyone else had that on their mind when they looked at me. Gay? Definitely. I got called gay plenty. But a girl? That was — there was no way.

"You don't believe me?" Rita said. Her voice grew closer. The bed dipped next to me. She put a hand on my knee, but she didn't just rest it there. No, she started to gently rub it up and down. It made the ache between my legs so much worse.

"I don't know," I said.

"They were too stupid to know what they were seeing even if they could feel it," Victoria said. She sat on my other side and ran her nails up my outer thigh. I grabbed my legs so tight my knuckles turned white. "But we deserve some credit too. We told them to leave you alone. We protected you. Bet you didn't know that, did you?"

More lies. I shook my head. They were the reason I woke up and never wanted to school. They tore me down. They weren't — there was no protection. There wasn't. It didn't matter if they were the reasons the guys never bullied me. They more than made up for the difference.

"You were ours. You were special to us," Rita purred. Her voice was low and right in my ear. I felt like I was going to combust. "Which leads nicely into how we found out we were gay."

"Like we said, you were what made it all click," Victoria said. What felt like silk pressed into my skin as she pressed her body to mine. "God, Rita is right, you need to relax. You still look like we're going to hurt you."

Victoria grabbed my arm and yanked it away from my legs. Rita did the same with my other. While I was still reeling from the shock, Victoria hooked her foot around my ankle and forced it out. She then pressed her leg on top of it to keep it pinned. Rita wasn't nearly as forceful. She gently put her hand on my leg and moved it out. She didn't bother pinning it. I didn't dare move it. They had been physical like this with me.

"Isn't that better?" Rita asked. She grabbed my wrists and set them in my lap. "Keep those there," she ordered.

I nodded. I didn't have the oxygen to talk. A second later, Victoria's hand laced its way through my hair and yanked my head up. Pain raced through me. I choked. I felt my clit start to throb. My nipples were hard. I bet they poked through my thin bralette. Victoria looked down at me, looking like she was a statue of a goddess come to life.

"When we ask you something, you answer. We're not going to be disrespected like this. Is that clear?"

I tried to nod, realized my mistake as another burst of pain moved through me again, then focused on gathering up enough air and brain cells to speak. "I understand. I get it. I'm sorry."

"Say 'I'm sorry ma'am,'" she ordered.

"I'm sorry ma'am."

She let go. Her fingers rubbed over where she had yanked at my hair, soothing the sting. It was almost gentle. It made me want to close my eyes, but I was terrified of the consequences of doing anything I hadn't been explicitly told. What little control I had was gone. I was too worried about pleasing them. They turned me into the same person I'd been in high school, only with the added humiliation of enjoying the treatment. I was terrified that they were going to point it out.

"Do you remember the time we took your gym clothes and left you with that dress?" Rita asked.

"Yes," I said.

She slapped my face, just light enough that it surprised me more than it hurt. I jumped. She moved my face towards her. I was forced to see her outfit. She had changed into a sheer white chemise. She had no bra underneath it. Her nipples poked out from it. I swallowed and forced myself to look into her eyes, which was even more of a mindfuck than looking at her chest.

"What did Victoria just say about respect? Call me 'miss,'" Rita said.

This was kinky. They had to see it. It was so obvious. Or maybe I'd read too much erotica and done too much fantasizing and this was them power tripping like usual.

"Yes miss," I said. I didn't like how easy it was to call her that. I didn't like how it drove my desire higher.

"I think you should thank us for putting you in that dress, by the way. We even let you take it home. I bet you enjoyed it," Victoria said.

"I — I didn't — it wasn't like that, ma'am," I said because I couldn't lie. They'd see through it.

I'd gone over that day so many times that it was burned into my memory. I remembered seeing it in the gym, having to put it on, and then having to walk through the halls to the front office to see if they had a change of clothes. The humiliation of them telling me they didn't and that I'd better call my parents still made me want to disappear. The way the office lady had looked when I told her my parents worked nights and wouldn't be able to answer, the pure pity on her face, as she said that maybe I could get a classmate to lend me some clothes.

Only I'd been in the office before. She'd known me. She'd known I was bullied and knew that no one would be there to help. I would've walked home if the walk hadn't been so far. But with no other options, I'd had to go through the rest of the day in that dress. I remembered people laughing and whispering to one another when they saw me. I remembered some of the girls making fun of me by saying it suited me.

I remembered how nice it had been to hear that. How much I hoped they weren't lying to me. I remembered looking in the mirror, seeing my reflection, and knowing somewhere deep in my heart, that I wanted what that dress represented.

I still had the dress. It was folded up in one of my drawers. I hadn't worn it in years. It had too much history. But before I bought anything better, I used to wear it on occasion. I used to look down at myself and imagine what it'd be like if I was a woman. To dream of a future where my body wasn't a prison.

It was the first time I truly imagined that I could be something else.

Maybe they had played a part in my transitioning, after all.

Rita pet me like I was a cat. "It's okay to admit you liked it. We did. Seeing you walking around like that all day? God, it was hot."

"Huh?"

"It was hot," Victoria said, enunciating every word as if I was stupid.

"That was the day we found out we were gay. We were sitting in my car, talking about how hot you looked and how nice it was to see you like that. Victoria said she'd never felt that way about a guy. I realized the same thing. We looked at one another, we kissed, and then it all made sense, Rita said.

"After that, every time we humiliated you, every time we made you blush, brought us closer together. You made us so happy," Victoria said.

"It was wonderful," Rita added.

They bullied me because they liked it. It was such a simple, obvious observation, but instead of making me angry, it put my heart at ease. It was like the day I finally figured out that I was trans. Everything clicked together. Everything made sense. There wasn't anything wrong with me. At least, nothing more than what I already knew about. I hadn't done anything to deserve it. They saw me, saw I was vulnerable, and tortured me because they wanted to.

"Don't look like that. Why else would we have paid so much attention to you year after year? You were an important part of our lives, don't you know that?" Victoria said.

Angeer unknotted my anxiety. I could breathe easier. I looked back and forth between them. There was no guilt or regret. They looked perfectly at ease in their pajamas. They were never going to apologize for what they'd done to me. They were never going to feel bad. My suffering had been the whole point.

"You, I — you made it so hard. I tried to swap schools because of you. I ditched class so many times. I -- I can’t fucking be normal, because of y’all," I said. My hands shook. There was so much else. So many things I’d done to avoid them, so many times I thought of hurting myself, all because of them. I wasn't sure where the words were coming from. I was tapping into a well of strength I never knew I had. I'd never been able to do this back then. I'd changed, even if they hadn't. "You're sadists. You fucking sadists. You—"

"You're a masochist," Victoria interrupted.

It felt like a hit to the gut. My tirade turned to ash in my mouth. I could hear my heart pounding. Victoria smiled. Her cold blue eyes flashed with pleasure.

"Did you think we didn't notice that?" she asked. "You could've avoided us, but you sought us out, now and back then."

"Not to mention the way you looked every time we insulted you. It's cute, that you think you can hide anything from us. We know you better than anyone else does and we know you're getting off to us treating you like this. Honestly, it's a little pathetic how easy of a read you are."

My skin was too tight and the room too hot. Victoria and Rita pressing against me only made it worse. It was like I was boiling alive. Victoria's lips touched my ear. I couldn't stop Rita's lips found my neck. She planted light butterfly kisses there with just a hint of teeth. I couldn't stop myself from shivering.

"Everything we did to you, and you still fucking want us. I wish I could take credit for how fucked up you are, but I think you've always been a freak," Victoria said, her voice low. "When did you notice you weren't normal, huh? That you were never going to be?"

Rita bit my neck hard. I gasped. My hands flew up to stop her, but Rita and Victoria caught them and forced them back down. My throat was tight. I could feel tears gathering behind my eyes. My whole body was sensitive. I wanted them to touch me almost as much as I wanted to curl into a ball and die.

"Answer or this is going to get so much worse for you," Victoria said. "When did you know?"

"First grade, ma'am," I said, because they had their hands all over me and I couldn't bare any more consequences than I was facing now. First grade was the first time people had started to bully me. When my peers showed me that I didn't fit in.

"A freak since first grade. I'm impressed," Victoria said. She grabbed the back of my neck and squeezed. Her fingers pressed into nerves. It lit up my senses with pain but somehow made me feel clean at the same time. It was like the agony was washing away the filth of my desire. I moaned.

"A physical and emotional masochist, you do it all. That's nice," Rita said. "When did you figure out that part?

"I can't—"

Victoria grabbed my hair and yanked. "You can do whatever the fuck we tell you to do. Now answer the fucking question."

"I don't know ma'am!" I cried out. I didn't have the words to understand when people talking down on me started to do more than just make me upset. I had no idea when my brain transmuted the misery of my bullying into something else

"I figured it out when I was 15, because of you. I always liked to take, but I didn't understand until I met you," Rita said. She kissed my cheek. "You taught us so much. You were such a good girl, letting us learn from you."

The praise hit me harder than any insult had. I felt like I had been shoved off the edge of a cliff. Rita kissed me on the lips. I was too stunned to kiss back.

"Fuck," Victoria said. "You both look good."

They thought I looked good. The meanest people I'd ever met thought I looked good. One of them was even kissing me while I was half-naked in their bed. I didn't know if they wanted to fuck me or if they just wanted to toy with me. I didn't care either way. No matter what happened, I couldn't escape the fact that I was enjoying this.

"When did you start fantasizing about people hurting you?" Rita asked as she pulled away.

Victoria let go of my hair, slid behind me, and began to scratch and rub at my stomach and ribs. Rita swung over and sat in my lap. It was impossible to focus on Rita's question past the feeling tearing through me.

"Hey, hey, shh," Rita said. She took my face in her hands. "Answer the question. When did you start getting off to people hurting you? Be a good girl and tell us."

A memory came to mind. I had been in seventh grade. A girl in my class had insulted me in the hall. She'd torn into what I wearing, the way I stood, looked, and spoke. She berated me in front of her friends until I took seat on the floor. Then, she'd walked away. That night when I was laying in bed, touching myself, I thought of her yelling at me and how it felt to be brought so low. To be torn apart like I didn't even matter. My mind took the fantasy and ran with it. I thought about what might've happened if she took things further. If she had taken off my clothes and done even more to humiliate me.

"Seventh grade," I said. "Miss," I added at the end.

Victoria's hands slid under my bralette and groped my breasts. Her grip was hard and unyielding. It wasn't a touch meant to make me feel good. It was one made to show me how much control she had over me.

"How ashamed were you?" Victoria asked.

"I felt awful, ma'am."

"When was the first time you started thinking of us?" she asked.

Of course, they knew. It was such an easy thing to guess with everything I told them. If I had gotten off thinking of my bullies before them, why would it have ever stopped?

"Freshmen year, ma'am," I said, burning with shame.

Rita rewarded me with another kiss. Victoria pulled my bralette off. Her hands went right back to my chest. She started to roll my nipples between her fingers. I knew she was going to pinch. The only question was when.

"What did you think about the first time you touched yourself to fantasies of us?"

I only remembered it because it was the worst I'd ever felt after getting off. The thought of telling them it now filled me with a deep dread. Rita smiled at me. Victoria suddenly pinched my nipples and twisted hard. Rita kissed me at the same time, swallowing my scream. She bit my lips. I could taste blood. Her tongue slid into my mouth. It was violating and domineering and it made me whine.

She kissed me until my lungs hurt, then bit my neck and sucked another hickey into it. I forgot what they had asked me to begin with and let myself lean back into Victoria. She was still pinching and groping my chest, making it so sore and sensitive that I wasn't going to be able to put my bralette back on. Maybe that was the whole point.

"We asked you a question," Victoria said. She twisted so hard I swore it should've torn the skin. Rita didn't kiss me to muffle my scream. Instead, she listened to it like she was at the opera. I thrashed, but Victoria's body kept me contained. "Are you so fucked up from this that you can't focus enough to answer the question? Are you that pathetic? Maybe you haven't grown up at all."

"Please, ma'am. Please I--"

"Don't beg, do what I told you to do, and I'll stop," Victoria said. I felt her nails press into my skin. I sobbed.

"You berating me in front of everyone!" I shouted.

She let go and smoothed her palms over my nipples, before she slapped my chest hard. "Don't forget to call me ma'am."

"I'm sorry ma'am. I—"

"I don't want to hear it. Tell me what I want to know now."

There was no room in my head for anything other than their orders. "It was the time you yelled at me in front of the whole school for reading during an assembly. You got my book taken away ma'am."

She rubbed my breasts gently. Rita started to leave another mark on my neck, her sharp teeth bruising my flesh. I had never been happier that I didn't work at an office. I'd never be able to explain why it looked like I'd been mauled.

"That's what it was based on. What was the fantasy?" Rita asked.

I panted. "After you yelled at me you — you made me strip. And then you touched me and made fun of me for liking it. For — for wanting it," I said, growing quieter with every word I spoke. I had gotten off too many times to that fantasy to count.

"Well Isn't that idea. We could take you back to the ballroom. Let everyone see what a slutty mess you are. Seems like you'd to be the center of attention," Rita said.

Victoria's hand dipped under the waistband of my underwear. She dragged her fingers through my folds and made a noise of surprise. "You're wet. You can get wet?" she asked.

"Just a little ma'am," I said. The surgeons had explained how it worked to me once, but I didn't remember anymore. I just knew I could. "I still need lube if you — if you're going to do more."

"Okay," Victoria. She removed her fingers. My hips twitched. I wanted her to come back. "You can have something there, but you need to prove that you deserve us first. We haven't gotten our thanks for protecting you all through high school."

They could do whatever they wanted to me and I wouldn't argue. My head was fuzzy and heavy. It was like I'd had 5 drinks at the bar instead of two. Any scrap of resistance I had, they'd already beaten out of me.

"Yes ma'am," I said.

"I like you like this. You're cute when you know your place," Rita said. She gave Victoria a wicked grin. "I know how she can pay us back. Victoria, remember what we talked about doing to her the first time we kissed? If we ever got her alone?"

"I'd never forget," Victoria said. She peeled me away from Rita and dragged me over to the edge of the bed, so my chest was laying on it and my ass was sticking out. I fisted the blanket and curled my toes into the carpet. It didn't ground me. I was afraid nothing could.

Rita scooted forward and wiggled out of her underwear. She threw them aside, scooted forward, then spread her legs. She was so wet. Her pubic hair was neatly trimmed. She was beautiful. I licked my lips.

"Don't just stare. You know what to do."

"I…I don't, miss" I said. The only person I'd ever had sex with was a trans woman I'd met online. It'd been okay, but the experience taught me that normal, vanilla sex didn't work for me. I wanted someone to control me.

"Start by licking," Rita ordered.

I closed my eyes and licked up her folds. She tasted like skin and sweat. It wasn't my favorite taste. I kept licking anyway.

"Just like that. Good," Rita said. She reached down and grabbed my hair. "Good girl."

Her praise was addicting. I craved it more than anyone else's I'd ever known.

Victoria put a hand on my lower back and pressed me into the bed. Her fingers hooked into my panties and dragged them off. They fell around my ankles. I froze. Rita pulled at my hair.

"Did I tell you to stop?" she asked.

I licked her again. Victoria spanked me for my efforts. It sounded much worse than it felt. She swapped sides and did it again. I went back to pleasuring Rita.

"Move up and find my clit. When you do, only lick it, and be gentle. I — fuck, yes. There," she moaned. I don't want it sucked," she said.

I was proud of how quickly I caught on and of the moans, I drew out of her. She bucked her hips and pulled harder at my hair. Victoria kept spanking me, her strikes gradually picking up strength. The pain moved through me and met in my chest, like two great waves coming together to drown me.

"There you go. I knew you were good for something. I was wrong to call you worthless. You play the role of our slut perfectly," Rita said.

I moaned. Rita laughed. Victoria hit me so hard that my body rocked forward. Before the pain could finish running its circuit through me, she hit me again. And again. And again. Until I truly understood what it was like to be drowned under the weight of pain.

"I've wanted to do this for so long. I should've done it sooner. You would've loved me for it you fucking pervert," Victoria said. I gasped, but I didn't fight the pain. There was no point. There was no escape. I could only accept it.

Victoria set a vicious rhythm while Rita released my hair and carefully stroked my hair and my face like I was a kitten. I fought to keep licking Rita through the pain, even though my chokes and cries of agony. Rita seemed to like the sound of them, because she started to rock her hips faster.

"You're good. You're so good. Fuck, Harmony," she said.

Victoria stopped spanking me and tried to rub away the sting. It barely helped. My ass burned hotter than my embarrassment and ached worse than my core. She squeezed hard. I shuddered.

"She's close," Victoria whispered in my ear. She dragged her nails down my back and over my ass. I could almost see the vicious, angry red marks she was leaving. "I guess you can do some things right."

Victoria kept raking her nails down my back. I keened. Rita's body went taught. She pressed my head hard between her legs. I kept licking. She let out a high, animal whine that seemed too undignified to come from her, before she went limp and loose. She stuck her hand under my chin and lifted it. I stared up at her silently.

"Victoria, are we going to let her come?" Rita asked. Her eyes were sharp and mean. It was the way she looked at me back in high school. Like I was a cockroach that had gotten into her kitchen.

"No, I'm going to edge her though," Victoria said. She pushed me back onto the bed and rolled me away from Rita so I was on my back. I hissed in pain as my ass touched the blankets. It was so sore. Victoria's hand dipped between Rita's legs, before she moved it between mine and started to rub.

"How does it feel? To get off from me touching you? To know this is the best you've ever felt and the best you ever will?" she asked.

"Good, ma'am," I said, because it was what she wanted to hear and I didn't want to lose the respite from the pain the pleasure brought.

"You're are a fucking slut. Christ. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"A lot, ma'am," I said.

"She's still talking. You're not doing a very good job," Rita said.

"Fuck off," Victoria said.

"Let me eat her out. I want to know what it's like."

It was like I wasn't even there. I was just an object for them to bond over. They hadn't changed. Rita settled between my legs. She licked at my clit. Her fingers — wet with her arousal — teased around my entrance. Victoria settled back down behind me, sat me up, and rubbed at my chest. She started to suck her own marks into my neck. I went limp. They hadn't told me to do anything. I could finally get lost in my head.

Rita stopped now and again to talk to Victoria about me. I didn't bother listening to what they said. None of it mattered. They had taken everything they could from me. I had nothing more to give.

Rita knew what she was doing. Pleasure as thick and heavy as honey moved through me, wrapping me up in its warm embrace. I embraced the feeling as readily as I had the pain. I wished that it had been anyone else to have me like this. Someone who didn't just see me as a toy to play with until it broke.

Rita only pulled away once my pussy was sore and achy as the rest of me. She kissed me roughly and pushed her tongue back into my mouth. I didn't kiss her back. I didn't have the energy.

"How do you feel?" Rita asked.

I nodded, hoping she wouldn't make me speak.

"I figured. Let's get you cleaned off. We have a bath. Considering how filthy you are, you need it. I'll go run it."

She left for the bathroom, leaving me in Victoria's arms. Victoria was tracing light figure 8s on my stomach. I realized she hadn't hurt me in a while. Maybe she'd gotten bored.

"I want to keep you," Victoria said softly.

So they could do this again. So they could use me as a tool to be closer to one another. I was meaningless to them otherwise.

I didn't want to be their tool. I didn't want to suffer for people like them.

I didn't want to care about them.

In that, I found strength.

Rita came back naked. She gestured at Victoria. Victoria picked me up easily and brought me into the bathroom. The tub was massive and more than big enough for the three of us. Victoria carried me into and sat me down beside her. Rita settled in across from us.

There were two bottles on the edge of the tub. Rita and Victoria opened them and started to drink. Victoria put hers down. I grabbed at it and drank greedily.

"That's mine," she said.

I didn't answer.

"You—"

"Let her drink," Rita said. "After all, you're the one who said you wanted to keep her."

"I won't if she's going to act like this."

"I like a bit of attitude. She'll be fun to keep."

"I don't want that," I said. My voice was hoarse and faint. I took another drink. I realized for the first time that I wasn't afraid of them anymore. It might return later, but sitting in the water, staring at their surprised faces, I felt nothing but calm. "I'm never going to forgive y'all."

"You seemed to like it tonight."

"It doesn't matter. After this, I'm never seeing you again. I'm done," I said. I didn't know how I managed to sound firm when every other part of me felt so loose.

Victoria scoffed. "You don't tell us when—"

"I'll leave," I said. I turned and looked at her. She was a beautiful poison. They both were. I had let myself be led here, I had let them fuck me, I had let them take so much, but it ended here. I wouldn't go back. I was strong, pretty, confident, and brave.

I deserved better.

"Then leave," Rita said. It was clear she didn't expect me to. "No one made you come and no one is keeping you."

"Okay."

I stood. My legs shook. Victoria pressed towards me.

"Don't touch me," I said.

"I—"

"You'll regret it."

It was her turn to freeze. I got out of the tub. I felt so cold. I grabbed a towel off the rack and dried myself off. Rita and Victoria watched me like a cat staring into a birdcage. I let the towel drop and stumbled into the room. My clothes were scattered all over the floor. I collected each piece and put them on, feeling a bit more human with each.

Victoria and Rita started to talk again. It wasn’t about me. It hurt. They would do all of this to me, they would bring me up to their room, they would look me in my eyes and said they wanted me, then move on at the slightest sign of resistance.
I left the room. My head spun. I was going to fall into my bed and sleep. When I woke up, I was going to leave and go back to my life. Where I had control. Where I was important.

Where Rita and Victoria could go back to being nothing more than fantasies.