Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

He screwed up.

He screwed up, badly.

He fucked things up once again.

Cursing, he took a big sip of beer, which he had gotten at the gas station on his way to his apartment, holding a small, white piece of paper in his other hand. He repeatedly unfolded and folded it with his thumb and pointer finger while staring at the balcony door as if it might open at any given moment for someone to step through it.

But Butcher knew that wasn't going to happen, not after the stunt he just pulled.

When he told Homelander that special words sometimes took their time to come out, he was convinced that they would just carry on as before. He figured that the Omega would take some time to sort himself out before eventually feeling comfortable enough to go this step on his own. Butcher was willing to wait and help as much as he needed to, wanted to give Homelander the security he'd been missing for so long, but that was fucking difficult when said Supe just pissed off.

There hadn't even been a visible reason for Homelander to suddenly not show up anymore. He'd brought Butcher back to his apartment after they'd spent the night together and just flew away. He wasn't acting strange by any means or seemed to be pissed off with him. Butcher didn't even make any snarky remarks at him so this could also not be the reason why the Supe just vanished.

Now, it wasn't like the Brit could just show up at the blonde's front door to ask him what was going on or if he did something wrong, so he had to wait until the Supe took enough pity on him to drop by again. At first, he thought that, maybe, the man was busy or anything like that but after days went by it became clearer and clearer that this wasn't the case.

It resulted in him two weeks of complete silence between them. Two whole weeks of just sitting around and waiting for the omega to show up so he could at least have a chance to ask why he'd disappeared so suddenly without saying anything. No call, no text...nothing. It was as if the man had flipped a switch that made him turn into the old, stone-cold asshole again, who everyone feared.

The more he waited, the more pissed off he got by thinking that he was nothing more than a punching bag to the blonde. An idiot that he could come to, to release his pent-up frustrations before disappearing until he needed him again. He felt like a high school girl who was too naive to see that her crush was taking advantage of her and, instead, was grateful for every bit of attention he gave her as if it was something precious.

Except Homelander wasn't paying him any attention at all.

The worst part wasn't even that he was in this pathetic situation in the first place, no, but the fact that it was fucking hurting him. He, William Butcher, was hurt.

At first, he tried to deny it, but even a lying piece of shit like he was could only lie to himself up to a certain point and this point was crossed ages ago. The fact that Butcher had been showing vulnerability to Homelander, that he was genuinely trying to help him, didn't come naturally to him. It took him a lot of strength and willpower to go that far for someone again, only to have them throw him away like an old toy. Jeez, he didn't even want Homelander to spend all his time with him, no, he wasn't that pathetic, but wasn't he worth showing up for?

It was an unfamiliar feeling for him to be hurt by something like this, and like every time he felt something he wasn't used to, he took all the emotions and turned them into anger. Anger at Homelander for doing what he wanted to without giving a shit about him and anger at himself for being such a pussy about it. It was easier for him to deal with a lie than to face the truth and so he once again hid behind a wall of rage and fury.

Why did he care what Homelander does or when he shows up? Why did he care that the blonde seemed to be doing just fine without him for two weeks? The Supe was a grown man he could stand on his own two feet so why did it feel like a stab in his chest as he watched America's Golden Boy happily bounced around in almost every TV show while he hadn't slept properly for days?

When Homelander finally appeared in his apartment without any warning, he couldn't even say a word, too ashamed of himself. He felt so exposed, so vulnerable when facing the blond, who looked happier than ever. It all happened too fast for him to remember the details, but he got scared. Scared that the supe would sense its insecurity, scared that he would take advantage of his weakness. Butcher felt cornered, so he acted before Homelander could do it.

He pushed people away before they could hurt him. That's how he's always done it, and that's how he did it this time.

Almost paranoid, Homelander roamed through the corridors of the Vought Tower. He tried not to cross paths with any of the thousands of employees and had clutched the book he was holding tightly as if someone might snatch it out of his hand if he wasn't careful.

He hasn't exchanged a word with Butcher for almost two weeks now. It wasn't that he didn't want to be with him, but he just couldn't bring himself to go and talk to him. He was too ashamed of everything that had happened and his inability to say what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Butcher what he meant to him, he wanted to show him that he was trying to improve, but he didn't know how to do it when he was looking at him. He felt like he couldn't think straight when he was around the Alpha like he loses his shit in ways he'd never had before, so he backed off until he knew what to do.

Now, he hadn't expected it to take two whole weeks for him to sort himself out and find out what he wanted, but better late than never, right?

With quick steps, he went to his apartment and hastily opened the door before closing it behind him. Only when he was faced with his otherwise quiet apartment did he manage to relax a bit. He took a deep breath and looked at the book, for which he sneaked his way around the tower.

'The Secondary Sex - Psychological, Biological and Sociological Peculiarities and Characteristics'

The title of the book made him turn up his nose, but there was no turning back now. He'd gone to the Vought library specifically to get that book, so he couldn't just bring it back because he was scared of reading what's inside. Of course, he could pulverize it with his laser vision, but the Omega didn't feel like he was that pathetic, so it wasn't an option, too. He felt humiliated enough by the fact that he needed this book at all. 

It was the closest thing to a "Guideline about how to be an Omega" he could find so he really hoped that he would get some answers out of this bad boy. He never really had the desire to expand his knowledge about the secondary sex, because why should he, but the events of the past few months had made him overthink.

It was simply curiosity that caused him to wonder what makes an omega different from an alpha or beta. He took pills that suppressed his biology all his life, so he never had to deal with it since it would only be a burden. Of course, he knew roughly how to recognize an omega and what their status in society was, but that was it. To be fair, he could've just looked it up on his phone to see what the Internet had to offer about the subject, but he didn't want to leave any traces that would reveal his interest in the topic. He didn't know how much privacy he really had because there was a not-very small possibility that Ashley or whoever could just gain access to his search history with a few clicks from one of the computers, so he didn't want to take any risks.

He struggled with his secondary gender all his life so he would very much prefer to be left alone when he tries to find out more about it. He was afraid that the people who found out about it would turn on him, afraid that, in their eyes, he would be nothing more than a bitch to be claimed. The possibility of people losing their respect for him because of something like that made him feel sick to his stomach. 

It took a lot of self-convincing, but now he finally wanted to face his fear and try to make peace with his true self, just like Butcher advised him to do.

He flew upstairs and flopped onto his bed before eyeing the book a little more. It wasn't special or looked exciting, wasn't thick, had a picture on it, or was attention-grabbing. It had a smooth green cover that had the book's author along with the title printed onto it.

Written by Dr. Alexander Harris

Homelander didn't know who this Harris was supposed to be, but his question was quickly answered when he opened the book and was immediately greeted by an info text about the man himself.

Dr. Alexander Harris was born in Boston in 1963 and is one of the leading biologists in the field of gender and sexuality research.

Homelander ignored the rest of the brief biography because he couldn't give two shits about this guy. What really interested him was a few pages later: The table of contents. In addition to the foreword and introduction, the book was divided into three sections, one for each gender. He flipped through the book until he finally stopped on page 239 which read the word “Omega” in bold letters.

'In this chapter, we will deal with the third and thus last secondary sex, namely that of the Omega. Due to their special biology and history, the Omega sex is the most diverse and interesting. Neither the beta nor the alpha sex show such a big difference between women and men, which is why there is often a subdivision between these two primary sexes when talking about the omegas.

In the following, I will define the omega sex for both men and women and correlate them with each other. In doing so, I highlight the psychological and biological similarities and differences that arise along the way and draw parallels towards the other secondary sexes to create a general picture about the characteristics that make this sex special.'

Homelander didn't really know what exactly to do with this information, but he thought that it must be valid if a doctor wrote it. He turned the pages and began to read the fairly factual and informative text, only half of which he understood. He quickly realized that this book was written for people who also studied or at least knew the subject, because many of the comparisons and comments seemed to only be understood if you had some knowledge of this stuff.

‘[...] The hormonal balance seems to be an essential factor in the behavior of male and female omegas, which can be used to explain a large part of the deviations that occur. These deviations can be seen particularly strongly in the interaction between alpha and omega, in which there are clear connections between hormonal and identitarian factors. One possible reason for this abnormality might be the clash of two different types of pheromones which seemed to have a grand effect on attraction and interpersonal interactions.

To prove my thesis, I had 100 Omega test subjects, fifty male and fifty female, have a 90-minute conversation with an alpha and noted down significant behaviors and patterns which reoccur during the conversations. I categorized my results as follows:

1. Female omegas who indicate that they are attracted to the interlocutor.
2. Female omegas who indicate that they are not attracted to the interlocutor.
3. Male omegas, who indicate that they are attracted to the interlocutor.
4. Male omegas, who indicate that they are not attracted to the interlocutor.’

Homelander sighed wearily as he struggled through the text. He quickly gave up trying to read the chapter chronologically and instead skimmed through it to focus on those passages that concerned him. He was not interested in the experiments and studies and his patience began to fade slowly. He was quickly frustrated by the fact that he didn't understand anything he was reading and was about to tear the entire book apart, which made him feel like a moron. Before he could do just that, however, he finally stopped at the conclusion of the experiment, in which Harris summarized all his results and conclusions. 

‘[...] Upbringing and environment have not led to any significant deviations in behavior and social appearance in female Omegas. In communication situations, Omega women consistently took on a passive and submissive role and held back in discussions. Even through training, this behavior could only be modified for a short amount of time before it reappeared, showing that there is no way of altering an omega woman's demeanor with a long-lasting result.

In male Omegas, on the other hand, upbringing and environment lead to a visible abnormality in behavior. These deviations, of which some are temporary and some are permanent, can be amplified or weakened by a difference in testosterone levels. Unlike women, men were quite capable of teaching themselves different demeanors and maintaining them over a longer period of time. This suggests that a dominant and practical role can definitely be filled by an omega male.

However, as described in Chapter 4.3, test persons with describes features show a greater potential for mental illness and have a rather weak formation of identity, which means that aggression and impulsiveness are common accompanying features of a dominant omega.’

Homelander's eyebrows shot up as he read that. He could very much relate to what Harris wrote there and didn't really know if that was a good or a bad thing. While he wanted to know more about omegas, he wasn't really thrilled to learn that all of his problems seemed to have a very simple reason.

Of course, he could figure that his role as alpha had something to do with it, but he didn't think that that was also the trigger for everything to begin with. Psychologically, there seemed to be an explanation for what had been bothering him all his life, contrary to what he had always told himself.

He decided to continue reading the book. By leaving out all the theories and factual bullshit that made up the majority of the chapters, you could find pretty interesting information in the conclusion to each chapter. In addition, the book was divided into different sections, so the omega didn't have to search too long to find a topic that interests him.

‘4.6. Sexual organs and reproduction'

This chapter was also divided into two sub-chapters, one for men and one for women. So he turned to the relevant pages and began to read. He knew he could have children of his own since, as a male omega, he also had a womb, but he never imagined that the subject could be as broad as the book described it.

In fact, the chapter was way easier to read than the previous one, which dealt more with psychological and sociological issues. Instead of hypotheses and theoretical thoughts, here he was met with actual facts that made sense in his head, which he very much welcomed.

'[...] The heat (Brandt, 1892) is the term describing a period in which an omega is fertile and can get pregnant. Same as the alpha's rut (Merrill, 1911), this period is clearly recognizable and has some distinctive features that can vary in intensity from omega to omega. Characteristics of a heat are:

1. A rise in the body temperature 
2. Sweating
3. Strong pheromone release
4. A strong desire for sexual satisfaction
5. The (partially) loss of rational thinking
6. Heavy discharge of slick (Brandt, 1892)
7. Strong desire for physical closeness with a partner

The time window in which these symptoms appear can vary in length. On average, the cycle lasts four to five days and occurs once a month, but deviations are not uncommon.'

Time passed and Homelander was deeply immersed in the book, which, after initial difficulties, turned out to be quite fascinating... for anyone who knew as little about their own gender as he did.

It was reassuring to know that some things that he couldn't explain before now made sense. All his life he felt wrong in his own skin like something wasn't right and now he finally knew why this was the case. He felt a great relief wash over him and a slight smile crept onto his face.

It was like lifting a weight from his chest that had been there for so long he didn't realize it even existed until it was gone. The reassurance that he wasn't being weird, but simply showing the same symptoms as other omegas in Harris' experiments, was huge. Over the years he'd kept silent, ashamed of something he was not responsible for, because he always thought he was alone.

He was ashamed of who he was because everyone tells him that this is the only right reaction. You're crying? Omega behavior. You want a family? Omega behavior! Time and time again he was rebuked for doing or saying something an Alpha "would never do" and this led to him not daring to express his desires, which grew inexorably, at all. He demonized the instincts that lurked like a shadow deep inside him and was happy when Vought's employees addressed him as alpha because it meant he'd done a good job acting like one. Over the years, the strict upbringing led to Homelander starting to believe that he too was an Alpha and that his true secondary sex was just a mutation in his DNA that he had to hide.

The more he thought about it, the angrier he got. He was robbed of something he'll never get back: Time. All the years he could've spent living a life he liked too, all the years he could've had a family already that really loved him and wasn't just being paid by Vought to pretend like they gave a shit. Why did he always have to give and give until he had nothing left to offer? Why could ordinary people just take what they wanted from him? Why did they expect him to sacrifice everything so that they could enrich themselves with his misery?

He was never allowed to make decisions about his own life, never allowed to be more than he was meant to be. God forbid he developed interests of his own and tried to fill the cold void that years of emotional neglect had left in his little heart.

"You have everything you could want! An Alpha is always thankful for what he has!”

Sentences like that have fallen many times in childhood and made him obey. It was always about him obeying. He had to be a perfect doll who was always available when needed and otherwise just sat there and didn't bother anyone with his pathetic needs like "attention" or "love". For years, he told himself that Vought loved him and that he was nothing without them but it just wasn't true. In the eyes of those bastards, he wasn't even a person worthy of basic human respect.

Homelander jumped up and paced frantically through his bedroom. He was no longer the young man who was intimidated by the world, who wanted someone to take his hand, no, he was 41 years old and he could make decisions about his life whether they like it or not! Now he knew how the world worked and why he was the way he was and it pissed him off even more.

He flew down the stairs and walked to the huge glass front that gave him a view of the city that never sleeps. He crossed his arms behind his back, let his gaze wander, and looked down at the people happily running through the streets. As he looked at them, everything suddenly seemed so ridiculous.

Why was he afraid to show them who he really was? It wasn't like he was the only male omega in existence or anything like that. He was not a freak or anything but just an omega who was forced to pretend to be someone else. They would certainly not despise him for belonging to a different group of people than they were told, right? Especially since it wasn't his fault that they were being lied to, to begin with.

He knew how scary it could be standing in front of a crowd of people, how horrible looks could be when they were filled with hatred towards him, but would they really hate him if he was telling the truth? Would they be able to understand him? What if Butcher was right and they would just accept it... accept him? He didn't think anyone would want a superhero to be a pathetic omega, but maybe this wasn't the case after all. All the knowledge he had about today's modern society was from Vought, a company that manipulated him all his life to archive its goals.

Vought saw him as nothing more than a product. His identity was made up of statistics and ideologies from years gone by, his looks reflected the country that had given him everything but also taken away so much, and the people around him were only interested in the brand he represented. No, why would he just believe the shit Vought told him? None of the people he interacted with could care less about his well-being, so why would he listen to them?

They were all money-hungry assholey, interested in pressing him into a role he never wanted to fulfill. All but Butcher.

Butcher saw him in his darkest moments yet was always there for him. Butcher learned that he was an omega yet didn't begin to see him as less worthy. Butcher hugged him when he needed it most and Butcher has always treated him as his equal, never as a god.

And it didn't bother him one bit.

Homelander didn't want to be treated like a God when Butcher showed him how good it could feel to be human. Being able to let go and find security in someone else's arms was something that was never granted to someone like him, and yet Butcher was there to catch him even when he didn't want to. It was almost strange how one person could evoke more in him than all of his fans, than any statue or series of him that existed.

Over the past two weeks, this question popped up in his mind more than once and every time it happened he tried to find an answer. He never really found a satisfying one up until now. Now, he knew why Butcher made him feel so much by doing so little. It wasn't the gesture itself but the sincerity that was behind it. It was the thought and the feelings that made him appreciate it more than anything else. It was love.

He loved William Butcher.

He loved him as he had never loved anyone before. It wasn't simple lust, a little crush, or mere admiration, but a feeling of deep affection Homelander had never felt before. Of course, he had been in love with Maeve, at least he thought so, but it was nothing compared to what he felt in this moment.

It made him want to be better, a better person worthy of William's love. If that meant stepping out of his comfort zone and confronting his deepest fears, then he would do it. Now that he knew that there was an alternative to the miserable existence he had endured ever since birth, nothing could stop him from pursuing it.

Why did he care about what the world would think of him, what all the strangers he would never talk to think of him, if all he wanted was William Butcher? Why was he so dependent on the shallow love of his fans, who didn't even know him as a person, when there was someone who loved him for who he was?

"I am an omega,” he whispered, his heart racing at the words he'd never dared to utter.

He tried for a long time to please everyone and what did it bring him? Years of heartache and pain in exchange for attention and approval. The loss of control when a small thing wasn't right, the outburst of anger that affects the quality of his life.

"I'm an omega.” This time he said the sentence softly but equally quietly, yet, in the presents of the silence surrounding him, loud enough for him. 

But still not loud enough, far from loud enough.

He didn't need Vought, press conferences, or fan meetings to pretend to be happy. All he needed was one person, only one, to look him in the eye while saying they loved him. All he wanted was some honesty among all the lies that ruled his life. He would give up everything for that person who could give him that.

"I'm an Omega!" His voice cracked a little, still unsure, but it filled him with a deep contentment nonetheless.

He knew that no one heard him and that he was alone, but he didn't care. Those words were just for him at that determined moment, the tool to reunite his torn self.

He smiled, his heart beating fast against his chest, overwhelmed with emotions that had long been locked away. It took 41 years, but now he was standing here and was finally able to perceive himself. Now he could face William as the man he really was, no longer hidden behind the mask Vought had made for him.

He took a deep breath to calm himself. He couldn't mess that up now. When he met Butcher he wanted to explain everything to him. Why he had kept his distance and why he didn't contact him for two weeks.

The clock told him that it was now 10:26 p.m., so if he was lucky, Butcher would already be home in his apartment. The thought of seeing the Alpha again made his stomach tingle. He'd missed it so much, the closeness and security that the man offered him. He finally wanted to be with him again, wanted to lay in his arms and breathe in his scent. He wanted William to finally know that he wanted him to be his alpha, that he had finally broken the curse that has followed him throughout his life.

He ran as fast as he could to the tower's stairwell before flying up the floors to get to the roof. The fresh air cleared his head a little, letting him calm down a little to organize his thoughts, which ran through his brain like wild animals. When he finally left with a loud bang, feeling the wind in his hair, he knew there was no turning back. Nothing would stop him from taking the next step, even if there was some uncertainty in him, the alpha would understand him.

Butcher always understood him.

The lights of the city flew by in bright dots below him, but the view had lost its appeal to the man who had seen it hundreds of times. He knew the world, could be anywhere in minutes, from New York to Michigan, from Michigan to France... there were no limits for him. It was as if the laws of nature didn't apply to him, as if he wouldn't have to play by the same rules as everyone around him. For most of his life he found it beautiful, felt good to be different, to be better, however, this feeling changed. What's the purpose of all these possibilities, all these beautiful moments, all these impressions and memories if you had nobody to share them with? What was the point of being better and special if you were all alone while everyone else was imperfect but happy together with the people they loved?

Maybe Homelander didn't play by the rules of physics or nature, maybe he was a product of scientific megalomania and a God complex, but that didn't mean he was completely different from what constitutes humans.

Because he was human.

It was hard for him to admit because everything about his life, his brand, his character, and his fan base was based on the fact that he wasn't human, that he was better than the flawed product of God, however, it was true. He was a person with feelings and needs like everyone else. He had fears and dreams, desires and fantasies, hope and a mind on his own. He was so different but at the core exactly the same, he was an invincible force with an even greater weakness. He needed friends with whom he could be himself, he needed parents who will tell him when he did something good, he needed someone he could feel safe with when his reflection in the mirror distorted beyond recognition again.

For a long time, he wanted to turn this part of himself off, saw in his emotions and needs, in his human part, not much more than an obstacle, which was ruining the perfection he always strived for. However, he now realized that was not the case. Without his human core, he would be nothing more than a machine that Vought could control and shape at will, a soulless puppet for their entertainment and profit, and there was nothing he would loathe more than ending up like this. He never imagined that William Butcher would be the man who gave him a whole new perspective on the world, however, as fate would have it, his greatest enemy played the most important role in his life.

William made sure he could accept the part of himself he'd long been ashamed of.

Homelander shook off his thoughts as Butcher's apartment loomed on the horizon. He landed slowly and carefully on the roof, not wanting to draw the man's attention until he was sure he was ready. He looked through the walls into the small apartment he was now quite familiar with, and there was Butcher... sitting on the couch. He had a beer in hand and was wearing one of his horrible shirts, which Homelander thought looked good on him nonetheless.

A smile crept onto his face and he found himself blushing. Embarrassed, he shook his head and rubbed his face. He took out the little piece of paper that was folded up in the small pocket he had in his suit. He actually used this pocket to jam his phone into it, but since he didn't want Vought to keep track of where he was, he left it in the tower this time. He unfolded the crumpled paper on which he had written some bullet points that he definitely wanted to mention in the little speech he was going to hold.

While he was usually good at improvising, he had, more than once, made the experience that Butcher was able to turn his brains to mush with one look, so he'd written himself a little cheat sheet just in case he couldn't get his thoughts together. The idea of screwing up this important moment made him more nervous than he should have been.

Who would have thought that one man could make him more nervous than millions of people?

Taking a deep breath, he floated slowly and gently onto Butcher's little balcony. He held the note in his hand as he walked through the open balcony door. Butcher looked up and their eyes met for the first time in two weeks. Homelander smiled, couldn't wait to tell Butcher the news, and now stood in the middle of the small apartment, which has become like a second home to him.

"Hey", he said, but Butcher just stared at him, which confused him a bit, but he didn't really care. "Long time no see, right?"

Again, there was no answer and now he tilted his head questioningly before he walked up to Butcher. Normally, the Alpha couldn't hold back any of his sarcastic comments, so his silence was somewhat concerning.

The Brit's heartbeat accelerated which made Homelander grin wider. Had he missed him so much that he was too shy to say anything? Or was it perhaps the alcohol that left him speechless? Well, to be fair, he hadn't announced himself, so it was understandable that William was surprised.

"Ok, I'll get to the point", Homelander began, unable to contain his excitement any longer. “In the last two weeks-...”

Now there was a reaction from Butcher. However, it wasn't a sarcastic comment, not a mischievous grin or a gentle look, no, the black-haired man slammed the beer bottle down on the table with full force, making Homelander flinch, silencing him immediately. The contents of the bottle foamed over and slowly ran down before they collected at the bottom of the bottle. It would definitely leave stains on the old wooden table if Butcher didn't wipe it away.

"Ye bastard think you could just fuck off for two weeks and show up like nothin' 'appened?" Now Butcher smiled, but it wasn't a warm and gentle one, one that the Supe had become accustomed to over the last few weeks, but a cold, mean smirk. "Did ye little flyin' cunt think I'll drop to ma knees with joy if ye felt pathetic enough to stop by again?"

The black-haired man stood up, his eyes aggressive and furious. Homelander stood in the room, his mouth snapping open and close, words however, did not leave him. He sensed Butcher's dangerous aura and took a step back. He was so taken aback by the Brit's reaction that he had no idea how to respond. He didn't expect Butcher to be angry in the first place.

“W-what? William, I would never-...”

“Ye would never what? Not showing up for two weeks because ye pathetic scum was bored? Because to me it seems like you fuckin' did. Maybe you're used to throwin' people away like toys because you're a mentally ill lab rat, but ye can't pull that shit with me, damnit!" The words hit where it hurt.

Like knives they rammed deep into his heart, paralyzing him like poison within seconds, leaving him unable to do anything but stand still as the Alpha in front of him grew more and more enraged.

"I though' you had changed, that you were more than a narcissistic scumbag, but oh boy, looks like I was wrong, huh? Perhaps I really am an idiot for thinkin' an attention-seeking, lying psychopath like you can ever feel anythin' for someone or see more in people than worthless creatures!" He became louder and louder until he was screaming, rearing up in front of the slightly smaller man, who backed off a bit.

"W-william-...", he creaked, his voice raspy and his mouth dry.

“Shut your fucking mouth! Fuck off back into your fucking tower and never come back here, got it? I never want to see your ugly face here again, you fucking cunt! And you wonder why nobody loves you? Look at you, you twat! No matter how much one tries, no matter who you are with, you will hurt them. How could anyone love you!?" William was standing directly in front of him now and it was the hateful glint in the Alpha's eyes that hit Homelander like a slap.

It broke his heart.

He was supposed to get angry, grab William and slam him against the wall, tell him not to talk to him like that. Actually, he should be doing something at all, anything instead of standing motionlessly in front of him, enduring the words he alpha spat towards him. But, somehow, he just couldn't. He felt no anger at the numerous insults he was faced with, no need to hurt William or defend himself as he usually did. All he felt was a deep ache in his chest, strong and gut-wrenching.

He knows that there was more to it. He saw it in Butcher's eyes, behind the wall of rage and fury. He saw that the brit was hurt, too, that he was masking his true emotions with anger and hate, but it still fucking hurt. 

It was a pain that made swallowing difficult, made his mouth go bone dry, and reminded him that behind this indestructible shell was a soft human core that was very much vulnerable.

"Please, let me-..." he began, but he had to be stupid if he thought Butcher would let him finish in this state.

The Alpha grabbed him and slammed him against the wall so hard it gave in slightly. Homelander felt the man tremble, stared in horror into the Brit's eyes, which reflected so many emotions, that it made him feel dizzy. Butcher couldn't harm him in any way, at least not physically, but the gesture still had an effect.

A whimper escaped the man's throat, who shrank under the black-haired man's sharp gaze, which seemed to penetrate him like lasers. Hearing the whimper, Butcher's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"You're just a pathetic omega."

It was this sentence that did it for him. It was as if time stood still as if everything around him slowed down. The only person he thought would accept him just put a sword through his chest. Butcher knew how difficult it was for him to accept himself, and yet he pressed on that very wound. He felt like the alpha was ramming his hands through his chest to rip out the heart he wanted to give him tonight.

The little paper, which was still in his hand, fell to the ground, his eyes meeting the furious ones of the man he thought loved him.

"Butcher-...", one last try, one last gasp from the Supe, who had his hands wrapped around the taller man's wrists.

"Piss off!" With a jerk, Butcher threw him across the room, stormed towards him, and kicked Omega, who was trying to get up, causing him to fall again.

The kicks didn't hurt, at least not physically, but he felt like he couldn't breathe, panic choking his throat. His heart felt like it was bleeding, and yet he couldn't defend himself.

He couldn't hurt Butcher.

He pushed William away from him as gently as possible before he stumbled out the balcony door and flew away with a loud bang. He didn't even make two miles before he slammed into the roof of some house, franticly snapping for air.

He pressed himself against the stone edge in the corner of the roof and curled himself up. His eyes were wide, his body trembled uncontrollably, and a pathetic whimper escaped his mouth.

He didn't know when was the last time he had a panic attack of this magnitude.

As soon as Homelander was gone, Butcher collapsed. He hit the wall, against which he had just pressed the blond just a few seconds ago, over and over again. His fist dug into the thin wall, which gave in and under the force and left deep holes with every punch. It took a while for him to calm down and, breathing quickly, he leaned his head against the part of the wall that wasn't cracked and destroyed.

In the corner of his eye, he saw something white lying on the floor, and with a raised eyebrow he realized that it was a piece of paper that wasn't there before. Homelander must have lost it when he threw him out of the apartment.

He picked up the paper and a quiet, reasonable voice inside of his head told him to just throw it away without looking at what was on it. Something told him that he would regret reading the contents of the rather tattered paper, but Butcher wasn't a sensible man... and certainly not an intelligent one.

He unfolded it and immediately recognized the Supe's handwriting. He sighed, ignoring the last warning from his mind, which was yelling at him to crumple up the note and throw it away, and let his eyes dart over the words and phrases the omega had written.

1. Apologizing to William for dumping him.
2. Explain to him that I only did it to force myself to change for him.
3. Tell him that I've finally managed to accept myself because of him! :D
4. Confess my feelings!
5. Ask him to be my alpha (if he wants) 

"Ah, fuck me", he grumbled, running his fingers through his hair. 

He was an idiot. He knew he shouldn't have read it. He knew that what was in there would show him that he was the dumb bastard, not Homelander, and yet he did it. Now he felt the wave of regret and shame fill his body, replacing the unnecessary anger and fury that ruled his mind just a minute ago. It was as if he had held up a mirror to himself, replaying his embarrassing behavior in minute detail, and he wrinkled his nose.

"Maybe I really am actin' like a lovesick teenage girl", he muttered, wordlessly stumping over to the couch to finish his gas-station beer.

Now here he was, beer in one hand, note in the other, absorbed by the familiar realization that he'd screwed up again. He overreacted, said things he didn't mean, and hurt someone he cared about once again.

Just like he did with Lenny.

He was building up anger over a short amount of time and let it out on the first person whose sorry ass was crossing his path. It was nothing new for the alpha. It was the same mistake he made over and over again, never learning that the consequences of his inability to deal with his shit in a healthy manner destroys everything he worked for. He can't seem to change himself for the heck of it.

How ironic it was that he berated Homelander for not having changed when he was the one failing to improve as a human being. While Homelander worked on himself, he just sat there for two weeks, sulking and whining like a pussy before venting his frustration at the man who only wanted to make him happy, knowing better than anyone how new everything is to the omega. 

It took Homelander so long to trust him enough to show him his vulnerable side and what did he do? He made him regret it instantly by acting like a stupid psychopath, wanting to hurt the blonde as much as he hurt him. He knew he was wrong from the moment he yelled at Homelander, who looked like he was about to cry, but he just. kept. going. He didn't let him explain or talked about why it hurt him, no, that would be an adult thing to do, and who was William Butcher if not a little brat?

What had upset him the most, however, was what he had lastly said to the blond.

"You're just a pathetic omega"

With this sentence, he not only betrayed the supe, but also his brother. His omega brother, who took his own life precisely because of this, because of disgusting alpha assholes like him. It filled him with shame and anger when he was confronted with what he always wanted to deny: That he was no better than his father.

Ultimately, beneath all the bullshit that made his personality, was a character just as disgusting and repulsive as Sam Butcher, his godless scumbag father. A sexist, aggressive, narcissistic prick of a human being, just like he was.

Butcher jumped up and headed to his front door. He dressed hastily before yanking the door open and slamming it shut behind him. He couldn't be alone now, not with his thoughts lurking in the dark corners of his brain like predators waiting for their prey to let its guard down. He had to get to their base, had to do something before he would lose his mind.

Escaping the mistakes he made before the consequences hunted him down. 

It was how he always did it.