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There was a fine line when it came to what Choi Soobin was to Huening Kai. There was a point in their lives where they were no longer professional proxies, but rather touch-starved animals trying to grasp any type of human contact they could manage. The world was cruel to them, never failing to remind them of where they both stood in the crowd, and what their roles were in the kingdom, but they could swear they were living happily if they tried hard enough.
There was dirt on his discarded clothes, and his body was sweaty from a long day of hard work; carrying, helping, organizing, cleaning, moving hay stacks, you name it. Contrary to the man, Kai was pristine. He was shining and drowning in the fabric of silk with a hint of rare gold taste to his soothingly soft skin.
His skin was pale, reflecting all the time he spends indoors and locked away from the world while Soobin was tan and rough with the fruit of his labor. Soobin would be envious of him and his glory if he wasn’t so foolishly in love.
The heavy panting in the room was nonsensical and sounded downright animalistic, Kai’s cold hands pressed against Soobin's firm chest desperately to stabilize himself; their past actions drove him to further his image of ‘non-professional.’
His legs shook with a tiny quiver of overstimulation, but his heart was content. Soobin moaned under him, eyes closed blissfully as his fingernails dug deeper into the side of Kai’s hips. He could still feel himself inside the prince, his throat running dry as he gasped out large gushes of air.
Kai takes the initiative to pull himself off despite his shaky frame. He collapses right next to the older male and smiles in contentment as a strong, girthy arm comes to wrap around the curve of his waist. There’s a hand in his hair messily trying to fix the knots out of the crowded strands, and Kai lets out a soft sigh at the cooling feel of it.
Despite how long they had been doing this, they both knew there was no future to it outside of these specific four walls. Both of them lived very different lives and had different types of aches in their heart.
Soobin had always talked about his dreams of having a family; settling down with a woman from his village and marrying her as soon as possible, then having at least three kids to carry out his family name. He imagines he would feel at peace, knowing that he had created something for mother nature to remember him. He would dream of loving his wife and his children with all his heart, hopefully giving the reassurance of normalcy and happiness that Soobin craved somewhere deep, deep inside of him.
On the other hand, Kai would tell Soobin about how he wanted to leave an impact on the world. It didn't matter if it was through a son, a war, or a murder. Kai had a fear that often pledged in his mind; something that would follow him around even after death. That fear was being like everyone else, being a folktale told in the quiet mumbles of his city people, being the leader that women look at with anger and men look at with murder. To the prince, his only goal in life was to feel appreciated. Liked. Remembered.
Although they both had wishes of their own, their stars often failed to align. Soobin was nothing past a servant to Kai, and they both knew it couldn't stretch any further than it already has. There is no space in Kai’s heart for Soobin, but there is space for him in his bed.
“I feel compelled to tell you about the anxiety I experience due to us becoming…better acquainted,” Soobin whispers into Kai’s ear and despite his soothing tone, the words still send shivers down the male’s spine.
The prince could feel his heart pulsing and tugging in his chest, losing its mind over their current conversation, but Kai would never show that. He couldn’t let Soobin know how much he truly affected him.
“Well, I refuse to consider your words as insults. It hurts my heart.” Soobin can’t help but laugh a little humorlessly; he knew Kai wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep over anything he said. It wasn’t on brand for him—because he knew Kai didn’t care. Soobin was like a hay bale, and Kai was the singular pin dropped on him.
“You’re so mean to me.” He mumbles in response under his airy breath, which earns an acknowledged hum from Kai. Although it was a joke, Soobin couldn't help the sliver of truth that had snuck into his tone. Perhaps mean was an understatement.
Kai wouldn’t say he was internally boarded up on his own accord; it was more to protect Soobin from the cruel souls who would kill him for sleeping or..being with a higher-up. Ranks were like knives waiting to tear skin, and if Soobin was found here laying in Kai’s glory, his head would be as good as gone.
He's tainted Kai’s beautiful skin with his selfish imperfection. He was nothing but scum, and everyone had yet to find out. The thought of anyone even coming close to finding out was terrifying on its own. Kai couldn't imagine the type of torture Soobin would have to endure because of the prince’s desires.
“I prefer the word honest .” There's a long pause of silence, Kai’s thin fingers now tracing over the muscles on Soobin's arms, having the taller one purring under his touch like a sly kitten.
The taller has his head buried in Kai’s neck, his black hair tickling the pale skin as his mouth laid soft kisses on the skin of the prince’s nape. Although it tickles, Kai lets him.
When he speaks again, it’s in a much more quiet and insecure tone. “Anxiety wouldn’t consume you if you chose to look at a different face.”
His doe-like eyes look right up at Soobin's face, and he can tell they’re both feeling the same way about his words. Tainted. Dirty. Insecure.
Soobin decides to play coy, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Different face? I will only look at the face on this body until it kills me.” His hands push forward to emphasize his statement, tightening around Kai’s stomach and pulling him closer until his privates are touching Soobin's own and he feels suddenly content.
With his nose moving to rub against Kai’s soft hair, the smell of lemon and freshly crushed mint leaves fills his nose; one he’s grown to love and hate but appreciate more than anything.
A kiss is placed on Kai’s head, then another on the shell of his ear, and then another until Soobin is slowly licking at the rough skin. He can feel Kai wanting to push him away, but he just grips him tighter. “My heart….” Soobin cuts himself off before he can even begin to formulate his sentence.
What was he supposed to say? That his heart ached for a face? A face like Huening Kai’s? A face that’s so beautifully put together, so fine and articulate that it makes everything in its standing way melt into useless puddles?
Of course, Soobin would never utter these words to Kai, but they perhaps both already knew what he meant. Kai always did. Soobin had tainted him passed the need for words.
There was another excruciatingly long pause as Kai pursed his lips, and Soobin feels his heart has become the anchor to be thrown off a ship. Used. Heavy. Hurt. Needed but not in the way he wants.
He was going to pull away and go back to hiding in his room until he was called again to slave away outside until he heard the prince in his arms speak once again. “I think...I understand. I feel it, when…” He didn’t finish the sentence, but they both knew how it would end anyway.
Kai craved for Soobin in his bed every night, something quick, trustworthy, and willing for him to have. Soobin ached for the love Kai would give to him, whether it was momentary or not, it didn't matter to him. He found himself sighing against the younger’s skin. No, Kai didn’t really get it.
It was like a blue butterfly had flown over them and the words had been snatched out of Soobin's mouth; as soon as he goes to say something, he patches his confession up with more kisses to Kai’s naked body. It wasn’t worth it, he thought. It wasn’t worth risking something so perfect.
Life hadn’t always been this confusing for them; they had both been living their respective lives as a stable worker and the upper life son of the Huening royal family. Their moons happen to collide at a simple ball.
Soobin had been taking care of the horses outside, making sure they weren’t scared off by the eeriness of the night and the sudden noises that were sprung from the darkness. He could still remember the way Kai flaunted outside, his golden hanbok hugging him in all the right places; chest puffed to the perfect point with legs peeking through the slit of the fabric, long but conservative in what they revealed. Not enough, but enough to make a bit of drool form in Soobin's mouth.
It felt like a blur, he didn’t even know why he decided to follow Kai inside. Part of him was hoping he would get to talk to the man. Another part of him was hoping Kai would simply see him and feel…something. Anything.
He felt like a silly teenage girl, trying to find somewhere to hide to be able to get even the smallest of peeks of Kai, even if it was from afar.
In some ways, Soobin was a silly teenage girl; he was nineteen at the time, had the biggest monkey sex brain, was a hopeless romantic, and was a bit boy-crazy.
In the end, Kai did end up catching Soobin looking straight at him. He didn’t seem fazed; simply going back to drinking his wine and talking to his acquaintances. Soobin had felt a little discouraged by his actions, feeling like this might have been the man’s hint to finally give up and move on, leading himself back to the stables outside.
What had he been thinking, trying to pursue someone in gold? Someone he knew that would possibly flinch at the mere thought of touching someone as dirty as him?
The night had suddenly turned way too bitter for him, the once shining stars seemed dull now and the horses were annoying him more than they were entertaining him.
That was until…
“May I have this dance?” He could feel his skin spike up at the gentle but nasally voice that filled the lonely atmosphere, soft and comforting like a hug. Soobin looked up and—oh. Kai’s round eyes stared back at him with what seemed like an equal amount of shock, baby-faced and something close to cautious.
“It would be my pleasure.” The smile on his face comes to him easily as he grabs the hand of the handsome boy he had been ungracefully stalking for the past hour, whisking him along to the flower garden near the stables.
The first touch of silk makes Soobin lose his mind. The way his grime mixed with Kai’s innocent touches was sending him off the rails and straight into a euphoric paradise. The taste of corruption was right on the tip of his awaiting tongue.
They ended up slow dancing there, sharing information about each other with no music, just gentle sways and nonsensical whispers under the blue moonlight. Soobin thinks that he has never felt happier.
That night, he learns that Kai is a year younger than him, barely eighteen, and already having to deal with the troubles of his people. Soobin doesn’t know if he necessarily feels bad for the prince, but he tries to sympathize as much as his jealousy-ridden brain lets him. He also learns that Kai is extremely lonely; no friends, a strict palace counselor who is the only person he talks to, and no wife to keep him company at night.
If Soobin has smiled at the information as he hugged the younger one into his shoulder, that’s only for him to know.
He didn’t expect it to become what it had become. He didn’t think it would’ve lasted how long it lasted. Nonetheless, here they are, four years later, and Soobin is still just as infatuated with Kai as he was when he was a silly teenager.
He works for him now, after months of deliberate lying and bargaining with the King of Soobin’s old palace, they had managed to gravitate toward each other like magnets.
It makes Soobin’s stomach churn a little at the thought that Kai wanted him so badly that he was willing to hurt his relationship with a different faction just to have Soobin near.
Much like the older man, Kai was just as greedy as he was when he was a teenager. Sometimes he cries in Soobin’s arms at their fated lives, grieving something that hasn't even manifested yet.
It’s sad, in a way. Soobin tries to forget him sometimes, and Kai tries to forget him too. They pull apart some nights, not wanting to hold each other for too long in the hopes of just…scratching off some of the guilt they feel. Waiting for some of the wrongness and illusion of their situation to dwindle, although it never does.
In the end, Soobin can't give up on his prince that easily. Ever since that night, it was like there was a pull between them that stopped Soobin every time he felt like it was over. Whenever he or Kai would get too angry at the world, taking it out on each other because there was no one else around them to help.
He loves the taste of gold. The sensation of silk on his skin. The innocence and naivety that Kai brings to his life. He thinks that it's something he can't risk losing.
On the other hand, Kai will never get tired of the rough and bruising type of love that Soobin gives him.