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Some days would feel like drowning. The emotions, the stress, it all would wrap around him. It would take a hold of him and pull him deep under, and there would be nothing that he could do. His mind would spiral, and he would feel like he was drowning. It would get hard to breathe, hard to do anything. Sometimes he’d notice, and sometimes he’d get so lost in his mind that it is an ocean filled with way too many islands that were named thoughts, worries, fears… that he’d miss the pressure around him.
There were times when he’d have his family by his side. They’d comfort him, help him, sing him songs, or talk about tales that would distract him. They’d help. They’d pull him out of the freezing waters. Out of the hold of metallic claws. Out of the future that will never happen. Out of the fear of seeing his family in danger again, all because of him.
And yet, Leo sometimes would seek loneliness. He’d seek the chance to fight his thoughts, his fears alone. On such days he would feel surrounded by water, but not drowning, so he would want to simply disappear. To be forgotten and left alone for some time. To let everything inside him out, on his own. To drown his thoughts, instead of himself drowning in them.
During these days, water would be the answer.
He'd leave a note that he'd be out for a walk, just to not worry anyone during his absence. He’d hold his katanas tightly, and make a portal. He’d think of the lakes, of the calm waters, of safety. He’d step in, and find himself in the embrace of a silent world. A world made of a lake that reflected every single star in the sky, shining brilliantly. A world that greeted him with butterflies flying around, small and fragile, beautiful creatures. He’d look at the scenery and relax. Take a deep breath, get into the water.
Bless his slider turtle genes, staying underwater wasn’t a problem for him. He could hold his breath longer than a human. Which was what let him drift into the lake’s calming waters. He’d let himself be surrounded by the underwater world, his eyes shut. Swimming always would calm him. Something about it felt natural, he’d drift in the water. His mind would drift too. The blue feelings would fall out of him in the form of tears whenever he swam back to the surface. Then he’d let himself sink. He’d get it all out, let the water carry his muffled wails then.
After all, he wanted no one to know about this, about his tears and how the pain came back to hurt him. How even after the comforts of his loved ones, he’d still find himself back in the void of darkness. He knew it wouldn’t go away any time soon. He guessed everyone was aware of that. But he still didn’t want to share it, not every single time he felt the fears grip him tight. Not every time he overthought about the future, and how much of it they saved. How much of it they changed. The unknown haunted him, so he would let the waters take his fears and thoughts away.
Leo would think of the songs his family would sing. As the ones April would whisper to, Donnie would hum, Mikey would make up, and the songs and lullabies Splinter and Raph would sing. Leo knew all of them from the heart. They sounded to him like waves hugging him. Like he was swimming, swimming, swimming... Safe, comforting.
Sometimes he'd feel like he was sinking, forgetting the songs when he'd be too deep in his thoughts. But in the calm waters, he'd remember them again. He'd find comfort. He'd think of the songs of his family. He’d think of their words, hugs, and smiles. He’d think how together they got through so much. How they’ll keep going through everything.
Then he’d finally feel fully relaxed. He’d be left with nothing but tired eyes. He’d feel lighter, calmer. His thoughts would stop troubling him, they’d disappear for a while. And Leo would swim back to the surface and not sink back again. He’d let the moonlight reflect on his face, and his eyes would meet with the faint golden glow. He’d watch the butterflies that never left this place fly around him. He’d let them land on his hand, greet them as if they were old friends. And then, he’d take a deep breath, and let himself feel alright. It would be okay.
Nothing hunted him down anymore, and they had kept the key safe. They were growing in many ways, Leo would think. They were becoming stronger, wiser. And Leo would find comfort in the words his family once said to him one more time:
“We’ll get through anything, as long as we are together.”
He knew they would be ready against whatever came towards them. Leo no longer would let his family down, he’d get better at everything. He knew he could, with his family by his side… even if they would be far away, he knew they'd be with him. As long as he let them help, as long as he listened to them, it would end up okay. It was hard, but he could do it. He had to do it. That would be what he’d do. For his family, so they’d be fine. And everything would be alright.
And a stray tear would fall. The last one, and its reason would be relief instead of pain.
He’d look at the sky again.
A small smile would appear on his face. He’d already miss home.
He’d get out of the water, and return the same way he came. A bright blue light led him to the cozy sewers, to the subway cars they called home for the past several months. It wouldn't matter if it was past midnight or almost dawn– he didn’t know. What he would care about would be seeing his family. So he’d walk around the lair. He’d check on his brothers. See how Donnie once again fell asleep in his lab and would drag him to the bed in his lab; see how Raph would be snoring while holding tightly his plushies and Leo would smile widely; see how Mikey dropped his blanket on the floor like he always did and lay it back over his brother. And then, he'd check his father.
And he'd meet with a surprise, to not see his father in his room, but instead find him in the living room. He'd see him going through albums, photographs of the past in his hands. Leo would be quiet, and yet, Splinter would notice. He'd ask why he was awake. Leo would shrug it off, as he would do every time he’d get caught awake past midnight.
But Splinter would understand.
He wouldn't ask questions, he would say something about it being late. Maybe scold him, without being serious at all. And yet, he'd look at him knowingly. He'd understand.
And Leo would be grateful.
Splinter would smile, he'd call him by his side, ask him if he'd like to join him, be his company. Leo would smile back, walk and sit on the couch's arm. They'd look at photos together. Laugh and joke, remember the old days, and listen to Splinter tell the same stories from his Lou Jitsu days or their childhood. It would go on for hours, till sleepiness would show itself, and Leo would remember the warmth and comforting feeling of resting. Next to Splinter, whose arm would hug his son, he'd let himself drift to sleep as his father would sing quietly an old, familiar, song.
And then, everything would be alright.