Chapter Text
I looked at my cell phone once again. After the song, the only thing he said was "This is for Porchay". I didn't know what to do or think, and at the same time I started to realise all the dumb things I had done these past months.
I gave up college because of him, I painted my hair, I started drinking and I almost used drugs. I didn't know what went through my head. How could I change so much in just a few months? How could I change so much because of him? I feel so lost right now.
I replay the video even though I know that is just going to make me even more sad, but at the same time, while I'm listening to his angelic voice, I remember the time we spent together. The day he took me to a painting café and we painted canvas together; the day he took me to the cinema; the nights he spent with me listening more than talking, and then he would end up letting me sleep in his chest while his arms were around me.
And then I found out it was all a lie. I couldn't believe it at first, and I didn't understand it either. Why would he do that? Why would he just play with my feelings like that? It actually took me some time to really decipher his attitude, and my conclusion was that by living in a family like this one, he is completely traumatised, and he can't understand people other than through logic.
After that, I made a decision. I made myself promise that I would not suffer for him anymore. That he had done enough damage to my life and I'm better off without him, but here I am again, crying on the floor for him. I do that for a couple more minutes before I get up and try to get a hold of my life again.
I needed to do something about university I wanted my place there. I'm good with music, and it is what I imagined myself doing for these past years, and I couldn't let him take that away for me. The truth is, I didn't know what else I would do besides this, and even if music was painful now, I would heal and enjoy it once again someday.
The only problem is I missed my audition day, and I can't tell that to Hia because he took me there himself, and I also don't want him knowing about me and P'Kim. P'Tankhun wouldn't be able to keep the secret if he knew, so that leaves the only person who probably knows something and can help me: P'Kinn.
I find my way to his office and make sure P'Porshe is not there so that I can ask for help.
"Come in," P'Kinn says after a knock on the door. Chay," he says, my name surprised "How may I help you?"
"P'Kinn, I need to ask you a favour." I reluctantly say
"This is about university, isn't it?" he asks, and I look at him confused. "Kim said you would be coming to talk to me about that sooner or later."
He looks at me with a little bit of pity in his eyes, and it was because of looks like that that I didn't tell anyone about me and P'Kim. All they would think was, "Poor little Porchay, he got himself involved with the worst of the brothers, he really thought a manipulative and narcissistic person like Khun Kim would fall in love with him." Everyone would pity me, and I hate that.
"Can you help me, P'Kinn?" I asked, already knowing the answer would be yes.
"Kim took care of finding a new date for your audition." He says as he gives me the audition papers. I look at him reluctantly, and he notices it. "Chay, just take the papers and go to the audition. You know that all your brother wants is for you to go to university to have a better life. All he has done is work towards that goal, but this is something you need to do, not him. So, just take the papers and don't think about it too much, and especially don't do something you will regret just because Kim is a pain in the ass."
I knew he was right, so I took the papers and thanked him. I was on my way to my room when I realised that my audition was in two days and I didn't even know what song I was going to play. It was supposed to be "This song is called you" but I don't know if I can play that song without crying as it was the song I wrote for P'Kim. The only problem was that I needed to sing an original song, and that was my only one, so I should just start practising and don't think about it too much.
I practised for almost two hours, and now I was taking a break because I was tired of singing and crying. I was a crybaby, and I was so pissed at myself for that. I couldn't stop thinking about what P'Kinn had said about P'Porche and his dreams for me. I already knew that all my brother wanted was for me to go to a good university in order to have a better life, but all I ever wanted was to be someone like my brother. He was strong, he could protect those whom he cared about, and he would sacrifice himself for them. He spent all his life taking care of me, making sure I didn't need anything so I could only focus on school, and I admire him so much because of that. He suffered more than I would ever be capable of, and now he was here ruling a big business alongside P'Kinn. I wanted to be like him feisty, strong, capable of fighting my own battles, and a good person. I wanted to be able to protect myself.
On the day of the battle between the two families, the minor family sent some of their men to get me at P'Yok's bar, and if it wasn't for PKim, they would have succeeded. I had headphones on, but I could hear perfectly everything that was happening behind me, and I felt so defenceless. P'Kim was fighting four or five men, Hia and P'Kinn were fighting in the major family house, even P'Tankhun was helping, and I was there, hiding.
I didn't want it to be that way anymore, I would make my brother's dream come true, but I would also make mine. I will be strong!
The second I get that into my mind, I wipe away my tears and walk in the direction of P'Porche and P'Kinn's room. As I walk in, I realise that they are with P'Tay and PTime, so I just call my brother to the side.
"Is everything alright, Chay?" Hia asks me
"P'Porche..." I start, but my voice trembles, so I take a deep breath and say it all at once, "P' I want to learn how to fight just like you and P'Kinn."
He looks at me confused. "Chay, where does this come from? You don't need to do that, no one will come knocking at our door asking for money again, you don't need to be afraid."
"P'..." I started, but he didn't let me continue
"Porchay, we are safe now. You don't need to do that. You should focus on school, on having good grades, and on making a future for yourself. Let me handle the rest. I have Kinn at my back now, and we are a powerful family, so just study and have fun, ok?"
"P'Porche, I know that nobody would dare to hurt us right now, but I want to do this. Can you please let me? I want to be able to protect myself, and I can't always count on you or P'Kinn to help. I'm going to university, I'm an adult, and I need to be able to deal with my own problems. I can study and train at the same time, P' please let me do this." I asked with everything I had, but my brother just looked at me without answering. It was just at this moment that I realised that we weren't that far from the rest and they were looking at us.
I looked at PKinn, hoping that he would do something to help me with my brother, but to my surprise, he wasn't the one who got up from his seat, it was P'Tay. The truth is, P'Tay always makes me nervous. He is so beautiful and so majestic, he looks like royalty, and he is always very nice to me.
"Porsche, what if I trained Chay? I think I understand why he wants to do this. Look around you, the kid is surrounded by mafia, and he just went through war. It is normal that he wants to learn how to defend himself, and it is healthy exercise." He looked at Hia, trying to make him understand my side. I didn't know why P'Tay was helping me, but I was grateful to him. Porche, c'mon, the kid is going to be with me in the training room, what could happen to him? Just allow him to do this for himself."
"Ok, I let you train with Tay, but you have to be careful and do everything he says. And you.." he pointed at P'Tay "If anything happens to him, we are going to have problems."
"Yes, yes, Porche I know, calm down. He is going to be fine."
After P'Tay said that, I just hugged Hia, thanking him for letting me do this. I was really happy that I was going to say goodbye to sweet little Porchay and do this in order to be stronger.
Chay," said PTay, "Let's go to your room and talk schedules."
We said goodbye to them, and we made our way into my room. But just before I opened the door, I remembered that it was a complete mess with my guitar and partitures on the floor, as well as tissues along with a couple of pictures that were in my desk.
Sorry, it is a mess in here." He looked at me dead in the eyes, and I could actually feel chills running through my body.
"Let's get some things cleared up, Chay. I'm cute, but that doesn't mean I'm going to go soft on you. I do intensive training, so it's good that you are on vacation at the moment because you will be sore for days. Last thing, there are no lies between us. You must be wondering why I stepped in even though I barely know you. The answer is simple. You look like you could use a friend, someone that you can trust and who isn't afraid of the rest of the family, and I also see a bit of myself in you. You are powerful, you just don't know it yet. So tell me, sweet Porchay, who broke your heart in such a way that you had the will to change yourself?"