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The chirping of the insects outside greeted Clara as she jumped awake, groggy and heart racing as the ends of the last nightmare drifted away. She didn't even try to hold on this time, instead letting it slip right past as she pulled herself out of her husband's embrace and sat on the edge of the bed.
It was nights like this that were always the worst.
She took a deep breath and let it out, hand moving from the edge of the bed to smooth over the swell of her stomach. Waking up in the middle of night had left her feeling distinctly guilty as of late, retrospective ever since she’d started showing about six weeks ago. It was a pit in her stomach that chased those shapeless nightmares and left her feeling shaky. When she woke up and the sun was up, it didn’t bother her as much, but it was something about the way her fears looked in the moonlight that had her tearing up as she looked back on the past five years.
What am I doing here? she thought anxiously, the hand on her bump resting on top while her other went to cup her face. Her fingers trailed over her scar, pressing hard into her skin as she shuddered. A dry sob came out, loud in the quiet darkness of the room and she heard Cullen shift behind her.
“Clara?” he asked softly, voice groggy as she felt his hand brush against her hip. She let out another sob, this one shaking her frame as she bent forward over her stomach, a few tears squeezing out as she took a shuddering breath and began crying in earnest.
“Clara?” he asked again, worry spiking hard in his voice and guilt stuck her hard in the gut, had her crying harder as he pulled himself up and wrapped his arms around her. “Are you alright? Is something wrong?” He looked around at her flushed face and the tears streaking fast down her cheeks, fear and unbearable worry creasing his lovely face. His hand covered hers on her stomach, skin warm and rough. “Did something happen?”
She bit her lips as she met his gaze for a moment, more tears welling up and she looked away almost immediately. Another sob came out, hot tears burning down her face as she shook her head. No, I’m upset and emotional and I hate it.
“Did something go wrong?” he asked. He turned some kind of frantic then, moving her around and checking her for anything, hand on her stomach shaking slightly and he was afraid for no reason.
She tried to tell him she was fine, and she should’ve been, there wasn’t a reason she had to be so upset, but she couldn’t lie to him. Instead, she just shook her head again as he pulled her into the circle of his arms, her hand still covering her face while her other left her bump to press against his chest. Her face pressed into his shoulder, safe enough in his arms to finally just let it go.
Everything just welled up all at once as she grabbed his shoulders and sobbed freely into his neck, letting all of that empty grief out as he held her tightly. His hand smoothed over her hair, fingers combing lightly through the tangled strands as he hushed her. He just let her do it, like he had all the other times the expectancy for the future and grief for everything hit her. He never said much about it, knew how she couldn’t talk about it, there wasn’t really any reason behind it other than her own emotions spiking dangerously.
After a few minutes it passed, the crushing grief and apprehension sliding off and she was left shaking in his arms as regret pounded through her. His fingers were still combing through her hair, the stubble on his chin rubbing rough against her as he leaned his face on her. His murmured reassurances soaked into her hair and she was grateful for him all over again. Four years with him had been nothing, she wanted that future stretched ahead of her and the kids with his beautiful eyes and she hated the vulnerability that had been in her chest for the past five months.
“Love?” she muttered into his shoulder. Her voice was croaky and she cleared her throat, flushing in embarrassment.
“Did it pass?” he asked softly. He pushed her hair back and out of her face, his lips brushing over her temple.
She blinked the last few tears away and took a shuddering breath, still not ready to look at him yet. “I’m better now.”
He gently peeled her off and rubbed his hands up her arms, trying to soothe her. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Her eyes flicked up and the fear from before would’ve been easier to handle seeing in his eyes instead of the soft concern and relief. “Do you want to?” she asked. As uncomfortable as even thinking about it made her, he put up with everything she threw at him. She owed him this much.
He studied her face for a moment before nodding shortly. His arms tugged her closer again, pulled her to lay down next to him as he tucked her into his chest. Her stomach pressed firmly into him, his hand trailing up and down her side as he held her.
She threw an arm around his chest and lightly scratched up his back, preparing herself before she dumped everything on him. He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, hands warm on her skin and she took a deep breath, brushing her nose against a scar on his chest before she laid it all out.
And he took it easily. Honestly, after all of these years she would never get tired of how well he handled everything she threw at him. I’m going to be a terrible mother, I’m so scared, Should I really be doing this? He answered her easily, reassuring her with each frantic worry that popped into her head.
“I’m sorry,” she said after a few moments, chest lighter and fear looking different in the moonlight. She cleared her throat again, a watery smile cropping up as she rubbed her face into his chest. “I hate crying so much.”
“The healers said you might feel more emotional,” he murmured. His hand smoothed over her slip, the fabric riding up a bit around her hips.
“I’m not emotional,” she snapped. “And they said other women feel more emotional.”
She felt him chuckle and huffed at it. “I’m scared, too, if it makes you feel better,” he said.
Honestly, it did make her feel better. Moments like this made him feel closer to her, more immediate and she was always reminded of how much he meant to her. A flush crept up her neck, her smile growing as she pressed a kiss to his skin. “You’ll be a wonderful dad,” she whispered.
She felt the smile he pressed into her hair, tightening her arms around him for a moment before she wiggled up in his grasp. Her nose pressed against his, brushing off as he tilted his head to kiss her. The press of his lips was warm, gentle and smooth as his stubble rasped against her chin. It was sweet, the way he groaned into the kiss as he bent over her to deepen it rumbling through her.
That familiar jolt in her gut tightened painfully quickly, had her breaking away with a gasp as she threw her leg over his hip. His arm hooked behind her held her tightly, pressed their bodies together as his other hand rubbed up her thigh and grabbed her knee. She gasped again, back arching off the bed as she ground herself against him.
The build was nearly agonizing, each roll of her hips and press of his thigh maddening through her smalls. Her slip had ridden up even further, his hands pushing it up to her breasts as he pulled her close. Every sound felt like it was rushing in her ears, the lyrium thrum of him under her skin and the heat of him pressed all along her. Which is why it took her a moment to come back after he stopped moving against her, a soft sound coming out as she opened her eyes and found him staring at her.
“You want to?” he asked quietly, voice ragged and fingers warm as they pushed the hair out of her face.
She chewed on her lip for a moment, her eyes flicking around his face as it was lit in the stark moonlight. With a quick nod, she closed her eyes and pressed an open kiss to his mouth, gentle and slick as he pulled her into the embrace. He groaned as she scratched lightly down his back, nails biting in at his hip as she tried to breathe through way her body burned from his touch.
He pulled away a bit, leaning on the bed as he moved to a better angle to touch her. His hand smoothed down her front, trailing lightly and lingering for a moment over her bump before slipping between her legs and under her smalls. Two fingers slid against her, touch hesitant, and he moaned into the kiss when he found her already wet.
"You're alright?" he breathed, his nose gently brushing over her cheek when he broke away.
She nodded her head, yes, she was fine, she needed this right now. Everything since she'd gotten pregnant had been so much more urgent. She needed him more, wanted his hands everywhere all at once, body in a constant state of sensitivity. Even now, as his fingers still pressed lightly against her, she felt close, body wound tightly and unbearably empty.
Two of his fingers slid into her when she started softly grinding herself into his hand. It was so easy, her body open and arousal coursing thick through her, eager for his touch. He pressed his face into her neck, his moan searing into her skin as he ground his hips into the side of hers. His erection pressed heavily against her hip, her body immediately arching as she whined, so eager to have him inside of her.
She fisted one hand in the sheets and the other in his hair, half delirious from the curling of his fingers and the expectation of finally having him in her. His mouth found hers before she could even say anything, lips urgent as his fingers sped up, pulled her along, dangerously close to coming so quickly. He was too good at this and she was too easy to play.
She was so close, she could feel it right in the tight heat in her gut. His thick fingers, rough with callouses and his firm palm all she could focus on as she pulled away from the kiss, gasping. Almost there.
Then he pulled his fingers out of her, her release practically there already, a pathetic sob pulling from her as her body clenched around nothing. He murmured something she couldn't understand, but he was tugging at her slip to get it all the way off and she wasn't so fried that she couldn't help. He tugged it up and off, tossing it away along with her smalls, landing somewhere in the moonlit room with a small whump.
"I love you," he said softly, his eyes shut as he leaned their foreheads together. He moved her in his arms to get closer, his body pressed to hers and their chests flush. His hand smoothed over her bump again, a grin flashing on his face, deliriously happy as they panted against each other.
She whispered it back, a quiet I love you too, and she felt like crying again, even as she rolled her hips against the leg he'd pressed between her thighs. He smushed their noses together, a small laugh rumbling out as he hugged her tightly for a moment before pulling away and rolling her onto her side. The sheets ruffled as he pushed his shorts away then his arms were around her when he pulled her back flush against his chest.
A jolt of excitement shot through her, gut burning and arousal thick as she eagerly pressed back against him. He left open-mouthed kisses against her shoulders as he slid into her embarrassingly easily. She felt his groan rumble through her, vibrating in her chest as he cursed softly, murmuring how wonderful she was, how much he loved her, how great she felt, hot and clenching around him.
Oh, Maker was she wound so tightly. Her gut burned in a hard coil, sensitive and needy and every push of his hips practically had her seeing stars. He had his arm wrapped under her, cupping her breast and bracing her against him as he pushed harder. His other hand trailed lightly over her bump before grabbing her hip and angling her so he could slide into her more easily, hitting her just right. And that did it.
She came with a stuttered moan, hips pressing back as he rode her through it. He groaned as she tightened around him, his teeth biting gently into her shoulder and she couldn’t handle it. She panted out half-formed pleas, don’t stop, harder, I love you, I love you, please, please, please--
The hand on her breast squeezed her, calloused thumb gently rolling her nipple and she was so painfully sensitive from it all, barely recovered before she started building up again. She couldn’t find the presence of mind to care about how she whimpered with each firm push of him inside of her, crying out as his fingers rubbed firmly at the apex of her thighs. He was doing this on purpose, he was horrible and so good at melting her she could barely manage the stuttered half-thoughts that got through her over-worked senses.
She reached behind her and grabbed his hair, hand fisting tightly as she gasped. His touch was electric on her skin, too much going on that she couldn’t focus and make it last. The muscles in her hips were already aching, gut burning and it was wonderful, the thick slide of him as he thrust into her making the bed creak. It was everything he was doing to her, the sensitivity she felt, the roughness of his skin, the sweat that slicked up her back as they moved together.
She wailed his name, voice just a high keen as she came again too quickly. She was too sensitive, still, the pressure in her gut having built too tightly too fast. It hadn't given her a chance to come back down, crashing through her in the wake of her first, even as Cullen was still rolling into her.
Everything was too much, her skin burning hypersensitive where he was touching her, grabbing at her to pull closer. That burning in her gut ached, muscles shaking as she panted. He slipped out of her, his voice hoarse as he hushed her soft whine at the sudden emptiness, body clenching tightly around nothing.
Those hands were on her again then, turning her so she was on her back. Her head was still fogged, chest heaving even as he pulled her hips back to him and hooked her legs around his hips. She felt him press back inside of her slowly, knowing how tight she was by the groan he buried in her neck and the little, shallow pushes he gave as he stretched her. She felt pushed to the limit, body so achingly tight that she could feel every ridge of him as he slid into her. It was so much, too much, and he started moving faster, pulling away slowly to come back hard, his chest pressed against hers as he slammed his hips into her. She moaned his name again, over and over like it was all she knew how to say, everything around her reduced to him, the way he stretched her just right, how he held her, how he said everything he loved about her. It stuffed her senses, orgasm trailing out as her body throbbed, forced up the creaking bed as he practically drove himself into her.
Oh, Maker, she was positive she couldn't handle coming again, but he was hitting every right spot inside of her, body so much more responsive than usual. That coil was starting in her gut again, tight and hot as she ground her hips to match his pace. She could feel it all, the flex of his hips as he pressed himself into her, the thick slide of him and every sensation of it when he hit that spot that had her seeing stars.
One of the hands that had been clutching at him went to cover her face, skin burning and body far too open for her liking. Her eyes squeezed shut, this climax building at an even pace that only made her limbs shake even more.
She felt him lean down and brush his lips over her cheek. The change in position made her groan, body trembling and still achingly wound up as his thrusts turned deeper. Everything was so sharp, the slick fullness of him inside of her, the way his stubble rubbed against her shoulder as he pressed open kisses to her neck, the flex of his muscles as he rolled them together.
"Cullen," she whined, turning her face away when he tried to press their lips together because she just couldn't right then. Everything was happening all at once and it was all she could even do to remember to breathe properly.
"I love you," he murmured back, hands holding her as close as her body would allow. It was immediate and intimate and just as happy as it had been before and she felt it. It burned right under her skin, beat through her, had her whimpering with each push of his hips as he slid into her. It was an agonizing build and rush, his hot breath ghosting over her heated face and she just wished he'd come already.
So many things she wanted to say popped into her head and fizzed away just as quickly. He said something, rasped it against her skin but she couldn’t make it out. Her heart was beating too quickly, thundering through her skull as she dug her fingers into his back and arched into him. He felt burned into her, his shaking hands and frantic pulse pounding against her finally pushing her over the edge again, his fingers almost too much against her over-worked body.
She cried out his name again, pulling his head to hers so she could hide her face in his neck, shuddering as she came. Her legs were wrapped tightly around him, holding him close as he came a minute later with a groan, thrusts turning shallower as he panted against her. She felt it, held him as hard as she could even as her limbs shook in the aftershocks of her orgasm.
The weight of his body pressed her into the mattress, sheets sticking to her as he panted against her. His face was in the crook of her neck, hot breath burning as she held him closer, fingers tight in his hair. A shaking hand pushed a few damp curls out of his face, threading through them as she pressed her lips to the shell of his ear.
He took a deep breath before pushing himself off of her and stretched out next to her. He pulled her into him, laid down on her outstretched arm and wrapped his own around her as she gave him a quick kiss. His body curled against her side, arm around her shoulders as he peppered kisses along the side of her face. She was still shaky, breathing hard as she tried to get a tighter grip on him.
“Thank you,” she breathed as he leaned down to press his face into the crook of her neck.
His hand went to rest on top of her stomach, thumb rubbing light circles into her skin as he grinned. She grabbed his hand and moved it a bit further down her bump, pressing his hand over where a light fluttering had started. He stiffened in her grip for a moment before his hand pressed more firmly to her stomach, face turning and pressing his smile into her neck.
“First time moving,” she said quietly, lacing her fingers with his.
“It’s really happening now,” he murmured with a kiss to her collarbone. “You’re alright?”
She nodded, imagined grief from earlier gone completely as he held her in the circle of his arms. “What do you think it’ll be?” she asked, eyes sliding shut as she turned her face into his hair.
He considered it for a moment before chuckling to himself. “Hopefully, a baby.”
She made a noise at him, smacking his shoulder lightly as he laughed into her. Everything wasn’t always going to be this happy, and she knew so many more nights where she woke up crying were coming, but it was worth it. Not just to get back at who she had been, but for him and for what she wanted and those kids with his beautiful eyes. She was alright now.