Chapter Text
Takehiko badly did not what to try therapy. He didn’t want to do this at all, but Noah didn’t want to do it either and yet he emerged from Robert Hawkin’s office, face hot and eyes puffy from crying. He didn’t argue when Takehiko jumped up from the sofa and rush to his side. He allowed him to guide him to the bathroom and gently wash his face with one of the Hawkins family towels. He even let him guide him back to the living room. But Noah waved him away the second Takehiko tried to sit down with him.
“Can’t escape your fate, mate,” Noah said with a smile that was a little bitter, a little smug, a little sad, and all Noah.
That smile wasn’t something Takehiko could argue around, which left him with only one option: walk into Hawkins’ office, feeling like a prisoner walking to his execution.
Takehiko did not want to cry. He didn’t want to come out of that office in anything like the state his friend emerged in. He wished he’d taken Ame with him. His dog was so good at knowing his moods. He’d press against Takehiko in a manner that was nothing but comforting. Petting him was comforting too. But this was someone’s home, and Takehiko got the feeling before they even arrived that Robert Hawkins was a religious man, and he wouldn’t appreciate a demon dog (Yomi Hound, but semantics) in his house. Takehiko’s presence was already pushing it.
While he’d waited for Noah he’d snooped around, carefully avoiding the eyeline to the kitchen, but otherwise examining every decoration in first floor like they were some great artefact. It took very little looking to find a lace cross in the same frame as a picture of a black woman. He also found a framed print of black angels singing over a black baby Jesus, as well as a picture that was some blend of a lion, a king, and probably Jesus. He’d stared at that one for a while, puzzling about if it was a reference to Aslan or supposed to represent something else. He gave up after a while, but it did confirm his suspicion that he was talking to someone who probably wouldn’t be excited to have the son of the devil in his house.
So yes, it did feel a little bit like walking into an execution when he walked into Robert Hawkins office. This wasn’t the type of person he wanted to show weakness to, especially when he expected to have it thrown back in his face.
The man in question was seated already when Takehiko stepped inside. He shut the door behind himself and stepped inside, eyeing Robert and his chair, and the green patient chair and the table between them with the basket of-
“Are those toys?”
“Something to keep your hands busy,” Robert Hawkins said. “How about you pick something out?”
Takehiko sat down and pulled the basket toward him. He took a moment to test out different toys, allowing himself to waste a little time. Finally, when he didn’t think he could wait anymore, he picked up a soft toy which had a lightly fuzzy exterior, and something squishy inside along with little balls. It was silent, emitted a decently pleasant scent and didn’t leave any residue or unpleasant smell on his hands. There were a variety of that particular type of toy in the box box, but since he didn’t see a dog, he picked one from the Christmas collection: a black bear wrapped like a present with a tag on it that said “coal”. He found it a little ironic and squishing it did ease his nerves a little. It wasn’t as good at having Ame, but it helped.
“Thanks,” Takehiko said, pushing himself back in the chair and away from the basket until he was seated full against the back of the patient chair.
“You’re welcome, Takehiko,” the man said. “Now, I know we were introduced already, but please call me Robert. I have a few house keeping matters to run over before we start. First is that while I will be taking notes, I will not be showing them to anyone, not your friend, or family, or Danny. My notes are written in code, and I don’t write down anything that’s too sensitive. Unless you’re about to hurt someone or yourself, I’m not telling anyone anything you’ve told me, alright?”
“That’s standard for therapists,” Takehiko responded. “I did research before we got here,” he added.
“That’s good. So, you’ll have an idea of what to expect. Do you get anxious when you’re faced with situations where you don’t know what will happen?”
“No. I’m just not sure about this,” Takehiko said, putting a little vehemence into his voice. He gave the bear a solid squeeze. “There’s only two- well, two and a half reasons I’m here.”
“And what are those?”
“Noah insisted,” Takehiko said, raising a finger. “The half reason is Danny… and I met Jay recently. He-” He stopped and cleared his throat. “He recommended you.”
Robert’s mouth moved up at the corners, a little but proud smile. “That’s good to hear.”
“Yeah well, he said you could help me. But I don’t know that you can.”
“Would you mind if I take a guess at why?” Robert asked.
“Sure.” Takehiko was trying to be standoffish and cool, but he just sounded like a sulky child in his own ears. He squeezed and squished his coal bear, speeding up his motions as his anxiety spiked.
“Does it relate to your biological father?” Robert asked.
“You’ve got crosses in your house,” Takehiko said rather than agree.
“I do,” Robert agreed. “And I will admit that there is a… cultural, personal bias that I’ve grappled with as I prepared for this meeting. That being said, I will start by telling you something I tell a lot of the kids I work with: you are not your parents. Who you are doesn’t have to be who your parents are or want you to be.”
Takehiko swallowed thickly. He had to take a couple of breaths. He moved his bear to his knee, pressing it there. He rubbed his thumb over the toy and pretended it was Ame. That helped. And Robert gave him a moment to collect himself. After a few seconds, he nodded to Robert that he was good to continue.
“It seems I’ve touched a nerve.”
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” Takehiko said. “What if I said I did want to be like my parents?”
“Well, there are a lot of ways I can begin addressing that statement, starting with questions. But I think you need to hear something else from me right now.”
“Which is?”
“You still deserve to have therapy. I believe everyone should have access to therapy. I believe that your father deserves therapy if he wants it.”
“Well, he does have a therapist,” Takehiko said. “He’s been trying to tell me I should do this. He kept trying to tell me about the lady he’s seeing, but he really has a way of saying things in the most asshole way possible. And he gets off on tangents. And he just has to correct everything.”
“Are you close?”
Takehiko scoffed. “No. I only met him a couple months ago. Then he handed me off to Danny. I hadn’t even seen him after that until he offered to chaperone me and my friends to Gotham for a sleepover. But apparently Bruce-Fucking-Wayne decided to give him some advice and now I’m stuck sharing a meal with him once a week. And if I won’t talk, he’ll start talking and he just never, ever shuts up.”
“What do you talk about?”
“You mean what does he yap about?”
Robert shrugged. “If you want to tell me.”
“He talks about his club. He left Hell a couple of years ago, by the way. Just walked away from the whole situation. He’s got this club-slash-piano bar in LA. He’s friends with a bunch of rich and famous people, obviously. But he never tries to brag about that. Instead, he won’t shut up about his girlfriend, who’s a detective, and the cases they go on. And the girlfriend’s kid, and her mom, and how annoying it is when his siblings bother him, and how much he likes his therapist, and how much he likes where he is right now. And I know he’s not trying to rub it in or anything. He’s trying to be normal. But he’s not normal, and I’m not normal. My friends aren’t normal. My life can’t be normal because of him, because of my mom. And I just- urgh! He’s so frustrating. And the worst part is the only person who can make him shut up is Noah.”
“Really?” Robert sounded intrigued. Takehiko didn’t blame him. It was intriguing.
Takehiko let out a slightly crazed laugh.
“I hate when Noah does it too. If he tried that shit with my mother, he’d just be dead. I like to believe that he’s smart enough to not do that, but he’s got Constantine blood in him and that sort of stupid doesn’t wear off easy.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, took a breath and kept talking.
“So, when we were in Gotham, we’re spending time with one of our friends who’s- well, I don’t know what’s going on with this kid, but he’s got a god under his skin, and wears righteousness like a crown that’s fused to his fucking skull. And this kid took one look at dear-old-dad and stepped up like he was ready to fight. Of course, Lucifer Morningstar can’t do anything but make stuff worse. Things are escalating and then Noah just- just whistles and tells my father to cut it out, and he just backs down. Now, Bruce-fucking-Wayne shows up afterwards and ferries him off. But still.”
Robert was writing notes, but he was listening. He glanced up, checking if Takehiko was done speaking, but he wasn’t, he just needed a second to gather himself.
“Since then, Noah’s told him off when I’m getting upset or he thinks my father’s acting like an ass. Well, more of an ass than normal. And Lucifer Morningstar just agrees with him and listens to him. And maybe it’s just to try to and stay in my good graces, but Noah pulls that shit with Susano and Yama, my brother and cousin.”
“It sounds like he works very hard to protect you,” Robert noted while Takehiko stopped for a breath.
“He does,” Takehiko said, fighting not to start tearing up. He gulped and pressed on. “He does. He just… he’s so squishy. His dad’s a powerhouse of magic, and Noah’s got that in his bloodline. But he doesn’t use magic. He’s smart enough to know a squishy human like him will just get fucked over by it. But that means he’s got no powers, no defense. Like yes, he’s probably the true heir of the Laughing Magician. But there’s only one of those at a time and John Constantine isn’t dying any time soon.”
He let out a fully crazed laugh. He squeezed his coal bear. He had to take a second to quickly get himself back under control, listening to the gentle scratching sound of pen on paper. It helped him center and focus and calm down.
“Would you like a bottle of water?” Robert asked.
“I’ll probably just squeeze it until it breaks,” Takehiko said.
“That’s fine. We’ll clean it up if you do.” Robert’s careful patience was infectious in its own way. They’d just clean it up. It would be fine.
“Okay,” he agreed.
Robert stood and walked over to a pack he had behind his desk. It was the really mini ones. Robert was calm as he crossed the distance, collected the bottle and the crossed back to Takehiko and pressed it into his hands. Takehiko opened it and drank half of it while Robert resettled in his seat. Then Robert sat still and waited while Takehiko drank the rest, stood and took the empty bottle and cap and tossed them into the nearby trash can. Only once Takehiko returned and resettled did Robert start speaking again.
“Better?”
“Yeah,” Takehiko rasped out.
“Can you explain to me what a Laughing Magician is?” Robert asked.
“It’s… okay, so there are like universal principals, and they apply differently across peoples, locations, species, etc. Humans and Earth have a specific set. In order for humans to do magic, they’re breaking those universal principals. One unbreakable principal is balance. Like matter conversion. You get me so far?”
“I believe I do, yes.”
“Right, so with magic, generally the magician, or the person they’re helping, is the one paying the price. Thing about a Laughing Magician is that they’re lucky. They literally laugh in the face of those principles. So, like, Noah’s father, John Constantine, is probably the most powerful Laughing Magician to ever exist. So, he can do little magics and they don’t tend to require much. And he can do huge, universal magics, the type people make deals with the big three of Hell to only be able to preform a fraction of. No matter how good a Laughing Magician is, magic that big is going to cost something. But it almost never truly hits John, except for the guilt. And boy is he a guilty, sorry motherfucker, let me tell you… so Noah’s from the bloodline, but even if he had magic, he wouldn’t get any benefit, because Constantine is alive. And worse, Noah ends up paying part of that price. He’s literally in Amity Park because a General of Hell put his blood in John Constantine and cursed him. That’s why Noah’s sister is there too. She got kidnapped to Hell at some point because of that blood.”
“He has a sister?”
“Tefé’s his half-sister,” Takehiko said. “She’s got her own problems. But she’s also elemental and wildly powerful, even if her control can be questionable. She has protection. I’ve got protection. Ace is a psychic unparalleled, Billy’s got a god in his blood and bones. Noah’s got… he’s got nothing. But he sasses off against gods and the devil and he’s just- he’s just fine.”
“It sounds like this is a source of a lot of stress for you,” Robert said.
“It’s one of them,” Takehiko admitted. “I’ve lived most of my life on earth, but despite going to school and pretending to be human, I was being raised by a demon. I didn’t have friends. I had minions, or I had no one… Noah’s my first friend. In a lot of ways, he’s my only friend.”
“Now, what makes you say that?”
Takehiko started listing things off on his fingers. “Tefé is Noah’s sister, and she doesn’t like me, not really. She tolerates me because I make her brother happy and I’m protective of him. But she sees me as predatory. She’s also in middle school. So’s Billy, who lives in Gotham. Billy’s also Noah’s friend. Billy’s best friend is Ace, who hangs around more for Billy and Tefé. Ace is also the only other one of us in High School, since Noah dropped out and got his GED. He’s starting at APU really soon, even though we’re the closest in the same age. And he’s already got college friends. His girlfriend’s in college. And Hera’s great.” He felt so bitter about that. “Just the best. And Hera’s roommate Mary is cool too, but again, she’s Hera’s friend. Without Billy, you lose Ace. Without Noah, you lose everyone else, including Billy.”
“You seem very conscious of your place in the group,” Robert said.
“I am,” Takehiko agreed. “I met Hera’s friends. We got invited to the wedding of Team Gay’s dad. Did Noah mention them?”
“He did.”
“Great, I don’t have to get into that explanation. Well, that group, they sort of congealed when Conner Kent showed up. But if he left, it wouldn’t completely shatter the group. They’ve still got his dynamic with each other. Friends within a friend group. Even their newest members, the freshmen, they still wouldn’t be abandoned. But I don’t… I don’t belong with them. And I don’t really belong in my own group. I belong with Noah, and he belongs to those people.”
“It sounds like you have strong feelings for him,” Robert said.
“I’m in love with him,” Takehiko stated as a simple, universal fact. “Irrevocably. Irreversibly. Impossibly… and I never plan to tell him. I just- hell, I feel so terrible about it. That’s why Tefé hates me. I’m so- so much more powerful than him, I could do anything to him-”
“I’m certain there are people around you who would notice and stop you,” Robert interrupted. “You mentioned Tefé, and Noah’s father, but Danny’s there too. I don’t want you to be afraid of yourself, or at least afraid that you won’t get caught.”
Takehiko drew in a break and let it out. “I… that helps, actually.”
“Now, please continue.”
“I’m afraid of hurting him. And I’m afraid I’ll make him hate me or not want to be around me. Maybe if I had more friends than him and my dog—but without him, I’m certain I’d be alone. And I don’t even think he’s gay. Hell, he’s got a girlfriend, and Hera’s trans, but whatever. She’s like fantastic. I couldn’t have designed a woman better for him. Even I love her, and I hate her so much for just being nearby. But she’s perfect for him and makes him so happy. And I even like being around her… I don’t want Noah to run away from me… and most of all, I’m afraid he’s such a good guy that he’ll force himself to stay around me, even if I make him uncomfortable, and that I’ll take advantage of that kindness because I really don’t have anyone else.”
“It sounds to me like you have lot of negative thoughts about yourself.”
“Well, you know who I’m from… and if I’m honest, I’m starting to think my mother’s the one who’s worse. I mean, Lucifer is trying really hard to meet me where I am. And he’s just bizarrely patient. And he’s still… he’s evil. He’s evil, and my mom’s evil. And why wouldn’t I be evil? I literally exist to kill my father. That’s what I was made for.”
Tears came to his eyes and this time he couldn’t just blink them away. This was why he didn’t want to do this.
“And my best friend is so good. He’s a caretaker. He’s caring for his dad and his sister and his girlfriend and his friends. Hera at least works to help him back. But I don’t feel like I can help him. I feel like this… needy blackhole. And worse, I think he knows it and doesn’t even resent me for it. Because… because he doesn’t think he deserves better.”
“Takehiko,” Robert said in a gentle voice. “I know I haven’t known you a long time, but let me tell you what you’ve shown me, by telling me all of this.”
“Okay,” Takehiko said, nodding weakly.
“You’re a deeply caring, loving young man. Despite not feeling like your friends care about you, you worry about them none the less. You’re empathetic and open minded. You love the person others would see as your rival, both seeing how she’s good for your best friend, and also her good qualities. You’re deeply observant about others, and about yourself. Unfortunately, when you look at yourself, it’s tainted with self-loathing. And yes, you are the child of beings the world considers to be evil. And you’ve been burdened with a purpose no one should have thrust upon you. Did you ever think about yourself like this before you met your father?”
“Well, no,” Takehiko said, realization settling around him like a blanket.
“Do you want to kill him?”
“No,” Takehiko whispered.
“And why not?”
“Because… because the reason my mother wants him dead is because he killed my brothers. But he came to their home powerless, trying to get back his stolen wings, and he managed to beat them when they were conspiring to kill him. They were in the wrong. He was a guest in their home. We don’t practice xenia the way the Greek deities do, but that doesn’t mean we don’t to some degree. My brothers broke our laws. My mother is always breaking our laws. She didn’t make me to love me, she made me to use me. And my dad… I tried to kill him, and he stopped me, and took me to Danny so I could have a safe place to just… to exist. I’d never have met Noah without him. And he’s trying. I’m terrified of my mother’s judgment, but my father reads books I talk about, and he comes with notes he’s made of things he wants to discuss with me and he just… he tries. And he doesn’t have to, but he wants to know me.”
Tears ran heavy down his cheeks. He hugged his bear to his chest. He wanted Ame. He wanted Noah. He wanted to be loved and safe in a way he never had been.
“I’m a weapon. Weapons don’t have feelings about who they kill. And my dad, the person I’m made to kill, doesn’t think I have to be. But he’s the devil. And my mother rules a punishment realm. And I’m like both of them. So, I have to be evil. I have to be terrible. I was made from it. I was made for it.”
“Takehiko,” Robert said his voice still so gentle. He was holding a box of tissues out for him, which Takehiko accepted. “It doesn’t matter if every part of you is made from the essence of evil itself. What you do is your own choice. You’re choosing to love the people around you, and you’re choosing to get help. You can be whoever you want to be. You aren’t bound by fate. You don’t have to be your fears.”
Takehiko let out a sob, hiding his face in a tissue, thin shield though it was. “I want Ame.”
“Who’s that?”
“M-my dog.”
“How about you bring him next week, if it will make this easier?”
Takehiko let out a sob. He nodded emphatically. He struggled to contain himself, to get his tears under control, to calm down. It still took several minutes, until he was gasping because his body was used to doing so rather than because he needed it. While he cried, Robert had written and folded up a note, which he left on the table between them. Then he left the office, leaving Takehiko alone.
He returned and offered it Takehiko a cool, damp wash cloth. Takehiko accepted it silently and began to run it over his hot, sore face. He stayed quiet until he knew he wouldn’t cry again.
“What’s with the note?” He finally asked.
“It’s your homework,” Robert said.
“You’re giving me homework?” Takehiko reached out and took the paper.
“Yep,” Robert said. “I want you to start keeping a journal. Every day, write down two things you like about yourself, and one good thing you did that day.”
“That’s it?” Takehiko asked, starting to unfold the letter.
“Almost,” Robert said. “When you next see your father, I want you to spend the last five minutes of your time together asking him about his life. You can set a timer if you think he’ll talk too long. I wrote down instructions for you to read to him so you can both stay on track.”
Takehiko could see that. They were simple instructions with strong boundaries. It was something he felt like he could do.
“And what if I don’t manage to do it all?”
“If you pick a journal and write your name on it, I’ll count it as a success, everything else is bonus… if homework is hard for you or stresses you out, we won’t do it, alright? And you can ask me to stop at any point. I’d just like you to try for this week.”
“I think I can do it,” Takehiko said. He stood up. “I can keep Coal?”
“Yes, you can keep the bear,” Robert said with a soft smile. “You’re a good kid, Takehiko. I look forward to seeing you again next week.”
“Thank you, Robert… you know, you’re not the way I thought you’d be.”
“Is that good?”
“I think so, so far,” Takehiko said.
“Alright, let me show you where the bathroom is so you can wash your face. Then you can wait with Noah until Valerie comes to pick you up.”
“Thank you,” Takehiko said. He felt… bad, definitely bad, but like some of the weight was gone, and he could breathe just a little easier.