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Two weeks. That's how long it's been since Dazai last saw Chuuya. One could argue that two weeks isn't that bad, but when taking into consideration their past and Dazai's crippling depression along with his trust issues-
Two weeks certainly feels like a lot.
So here Dazai lies, alone and in Chuuya's bed. Technically speaking, it's their bed, but Dazai has always been bad at adjusting to new things, especially good ones.
He isn’t entirely sure what exactly they’ve become. They kiss, fuck, and cuddle, so technically speaking they are in fact dating.
However, nothing can ever be that simple between them. Is this Dazai’s mind making things complicated because he can’t handle happiness? Maybe. But it could be that he’s a distraction. A nice lay. Someone who helps Chuuya forget the stress of his life and vice versa.
These are the kind of thoughts that have been filling Dazai’s head in the past two weeks. It’s easy to forget when Chuuya’s around, but when left alone, Dazai spirals. And besides, they never really clarified what exactly they are, or how they feel.
Dazai isn’t an idiot. He knows what he feels. But he also knows that Chuuya cannot possibly reciprocate.
The sound of the door opening jolts Dazai out of his thoughts, and he’s relieved to hear Chuuya call to ask if he’s there.
“Hello Chibi!” He calls, putting his annoying cheeriness into his tone.
Chuuya appears at the doorway and gives him a look.
“None of that false happiness shit, okay?”
Dazai falters before brightening his smile even more. “Surely there’s nothing I’ve done to make Chuuya believe I have the capability to do that?”
Chuuya rolls his eyes. “Okay liar.”
Dazai gasps in mock offense.
“Me? Lie? I would never .”
“Yeah, sure, whatever you say.” Chuuya is clearly biting back a smile, but they both ignore it in favor of their usual banter.
Dazai smiles, and Chuuya only has to deadpan for him to drop it. He’s been finding it hard to fool Chuuya lately, especially when it comes to whether or not he’s happy.
Chuuya walks over to where Dazai is laying on his bed and promptly flops on top of him, and Dazai lets out an “oomph”.
Chuuya just lays there, and Dazai feels his mind drift yet again. Does Chuuya feel anything towards him? He’s gotten harder to read lately, and Dazai can’t properly manipulate him anymore.
He’s changed. Chuuya isn’t the same eighteen year old with anger issues and fire in his eyes.
No, now he’s barely genuinely angry, and that fire has dulled to the point where Dazai can’t read him immediately like he used to. He wonders if Chuuya knows about how much he’s changed.
Dazai would further his spiraling, but before he can, there’s a tsk and suddenly Chuuya flicks his nose.
“What are you getting so worked up about?”
Dazai blinks a few times before smiling.
“And no lying.” Chuuya glares at him, though there’s no real malice.
Dazai doesn’t say anything. Chuuya lifts his head and sits up, dragging Dazai by the collar so that Chuuya is straddling him.
Chuuya brings his hands up and cups Dazai’s face, the leather of his gloves still cool from how cold it is outside. Chuuya gently brushes his thumb back and forth on Dazai’s cheek, and the brunet feels his eyes close of their own accord as he leans into his hands.
Dazai opens his eyes, and he’s surprised to find just how fond and–dare he say–loving Chuuya’s expression is.
Chuuya slowly leans forward, delivering a quick kiss to the tip of Dazai’s nose. He tries to force a smile, but all the action does is make him sink further into confusion.
Chuuya must sense something, because he tilts his head, a worried crease forming on his forehead. He withdraws his hands to take off his gloves, immediately–and gently–grasping Dazai’s hands afterwards.
He seems to sense that talking won’t do much, because instead of interrogating him, Chuuya carefully and oh so lightly kisses each one of Dazai’s knuckles. As he does so, he rubs Dazai’s thumbs with his own, being careful not to touch the bandages seeing as they’re just barely tucked in, and one brush could unravel them. Dazai finds it poetic, in a way.
Chuuya mumbles something under his breath, and Dazai has to make a questioning hum before he repeats it.
“I missed you.”
The words are so simple, yet they seem to make Dazai’s heart rate spin out of control as his breath hitches. He fights the urge to ask why, Chuuya would definitely hate him for that. It’s hard enough to admit to such feelings, let alone explain them.
Chuuya lets go of his hands, and Dazai feels his heart begin to sink until Chuuya leans his forehead against the brunet’s shoulder, loosely wrapping his arms around Dazai’s back. Dazai hears Chuuya’s breathing even out as he supposedly falls asleep.
It must have been a difficult week if Chuuya’s here, falling asleep so easily and saying sappy things like ‘I missed you’. It’s not like Dazai dislikes it, it’s just mildly out of character. Chuuya’s more of a tough love kind of person, not a ‘declaration of sweet things every time I get tired’ kind of person.
It makes Dazai wonder what could’ve happened to cause it. But as he lies down, Chuuya in his arms, he finds that he doesn’t care as much for that as his mind cares for sleep.
***
When Dazai wakes up, it’s to hair in his face and grumbling coming from beneath him.
“God fucking dammit you little ass-dick-”
Dazai can’t hold in his laugh at the sheer randomness of Chuuya’s half asleep ramblings.
Chuuya looks up at him, glaring until he seems to realize something. He smiles, and it’s a soft, tender thing.
As Dazai’s chuckles fade, he’s tempted to ask why Chuuya’s smiling, but he doubts he’ll get any real response. It’s not like Dazai’s ever given Chuuya a decent response either, so he supposes it’s fair.
Eventually, Chuuya wiggles out of Dazai’s hold, and Dazai lets him go. I need to stop being so indulgent, he thinks to himself, It’ll mess up Chuuya’s schedule, and it’s not like I deserve the time with him anyways.
“Oi, mackerel.” A hand snaps in front of his face, and Dazai looks up to see Chuuya frowning. Ah, he was getting carried away in his thoughts. He needs to work more on hiding negative emotions. No one wants to deal with them. Not even Dazai himself.
“Yes, dear Chibi?” Dazai tilts his head to the side.
Chuuya looks at him for a moment, his gaze almost making Dazai fidget nervously, and narrows his eyes as he says, “No downplaying your emotions. I don’t have time to talk about last night, but don’t think I’ll forget.” Then, as he walks out the door (leaving so easily, because it’s probably for the best), “Bye mackerel. See you tonight.”
Dazai doesn’t respond, and as the door falls shut, he feels his heart sink a little lower.
What is he to Chuuya? Surely the chibi couldn’t possibly have forgiven him for all he’s done, but he shows affection like there’s no reason not to. Except there are. There are so many reasons for Chuuya to withhold affection, care, love . Everything, really. Dazai doesn’t deserve any of it, and he knows that, but if Chuuya continues being so nice then Dazai might end up forgetting. And once he forgets, he drags everyone else into the abyss of his mind, and then he panics, pushing them away so that they don’t see him weak. Not only is it a possible danger, it’s also a burden. He’s a burden. And it’s surprising that no one has called him out on it.
Whatever, Dazai thinks as he gets dressed for work, It doesn’t matter as long as I don’t let them know.
He plasters on a smile, fake as ever, and heads out the door.