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A low rumble. A quake signaling neglect. A deep pit carved deep. Hollowed. Empty. Lost. Like her. Begging to be filled with anything. Nutrients. Purpose. The growl shook deeper. Deeper than the monsters festering within her. Taking away the need. The warning. Smaller and smaller it shrunk. And yet…the mind coped. Disillusioned itself. Insisted that this was fine. Doable. Acceptable. The alternative, far too much trouble to take care. To self-care.
Self-care? It wasn't worth the effort. The mundane maintenance. The routine. What was being preserved with such monotony? Her condition only got worse regardless. At best it broke even. At worst it broke her. Not even the desperate mind could hold it off forever. Something always had to give. Eventually. She couldn't let it be anyone near her any more. Not like she did before. Not like…her thoughts were plagued of her family, then, in the next moment - they drifted away.
Whatever. The fools around her would hardly give her the space she needed anyway. It wasn't necessary. Another day wouldn't hurt. The mind coped. All of them, fools. With their tempers and their hypocrisy. The tendrils of black and red spread. Surrounded her as she sulked in an empty, hollow room. Debating. Arguing. Pleading.
It wouldn't be so bad today.
It's bad everyday.
It's been months, surely…
It will never be better.
The whine from below interrupted her mental fight. Her own consciousness of foolish optimism and brutal pessimism brawling with each other. If the Nightmare thought anything of it, it didn't voice it. Remaining passive in its overbearing presence. Once it had been suffocating, but she had learned to breathe properly in its wake. The hopeful part of her won out, in the end. Not without subduing the opinion of the critical side.
Standing up from the bed was harder than she had thought. Harder with what felt like a hole in her body. Muscles laxed. Too lax. Lacking the materials for their operations. Still, she pressed on. To the door. So close, yet so far gone. She stumbled forward, not used to the sudden dizziness afflicting her. Was all of this really worth it? The painful grind in her abdomen answered for her.
Her hand grazed over the door scanner. Just barely able to match the print coded into it. She thought she'd missed it for a moment before soft air blew in her face, just lightly pushing her disheveled hair. The door opened far faster than she could comprehend at her very moment. The first foot stepping through the doorway and the sudden anxiety happened almost simultaneously. Heart pounding a little quicker.
It's not worth it. It's not worth it.
Like a mantra in her head, she silently chanted. Her body forcing her forward. Every neuron begging to stop, every bone begging to keep going. The hallway stretched for what felt like miles. A horizontal vertigo set into her. The Nightmare intensified everything. Without a doubt, yet she kept going. Each step a mountain. Each inch a milestone. The several inner panics did nothing to help her unease. With each stride she tried to refocus her movements. Trying to not look as if she was dying. Or wanting to die. Prowler stayed by her side. The damned thing wouldn't help. She lacked any energy to spare in keeping her locked away. She hoped it wouldn't be a problem. She already knew that was a foolish hope.
Thankfully, she found a comfortable stride. Not exactly relaxed or confident, but enough. Enough to not draw attention. Too much attention anyway. She could handle the bitter stares for today. She could handle near anything for today, so long as the world stayed silent and her skin untouched. That wasn't ever going to be the case, it never was. But she hoped. She hoped every day. Foolish. Childish. Deserving of the disappointment every damn time. All because her ignorance knew no bounds.
The moment of truth rapidly approached. The door to the unknown mere meters in front of her. Her legs wobbled as she felt muscles and tendons breaking under the overload, and forced back into rank-and-file. Just a little longer. She just needed something small. Nothing big. Nothing glandular. Just anything. The only obstacle was a 12 button keypad attached to a card swipe. The fragile girl cursed at herself at accidentally leaving her ID card behind. How stupid can you be? No. No more of that. Not yet. Just wait a little longer. The 5 digit code was pressed methodically, the numbers within the recesses of her broken up memory. Thanking whoever was out there that no one was watching her, she pressed enter. The door clicked. Sliding. Breaking. The barrier no longer obscured her. The next challenge made her heart drop.
The lounge was near full. Couches, tables and chairs. However, no one had noticed her yet. Good. This is good. Fade brought her vision to her feet as she walked. She could smell the grub. Her stomach loudly laying claim to it. She started with coffee. Simple. Easy. Hardly anyone drank coffee, she wouldn't be bothered. The machine rumbled with life. A fresh batch. Her luck had turned, it seemed. Maybe today wouldn't be so bad like she thought. Well, like one of her thought.
Prowler huddled protectively around her legs, scanning the room and providing a sentry while Fade tried to distract herself. Tried to numb the noise and blur her vision. Keeping what reality she could away from her fragile perception. She gripped the cup of coffee tightly and moved onto the food. Simple food. Nothing extravagant. Nothing greedy. Just a little. A small plate's worth. Why push her luck? The sooner she left the better. The calmer.
"Taking a break from the brooding girl act?"
The voice startled her. Prowler's low growl vibrating against her legs. How had she not noticed? How had Yoru gotten so close? Was she so absent minded now? The japanese agent grabbed another plateful as he continued.
"I gotta say. I was tired of the dramatics."
Unbelievable. The thick headed audacity. Fade growled at him.
"Fuck off."
Mentally she berated herself. She was so close to leaving. She just had to open her big frustrated mouth. Yoru smirked at her response. Setting the food down and turning towards her. Ready to engage in her hostility.
"What if I don't, prissy?"
She couldn't help the annoyed thoughts. Irritated. Pissed. Everything in her mind told her to leave. To let it go. But every instinct she had wanted to lash out. Wanted to scream and yell at him. Wipe that stupid smug off his face. Why can't anything be fucking easy? She breathed. In and out.
- 2.
- 2.
The Nightmare flared from her skin. Crawling along her veins and tearing through pores of her skin. The black and red smoke and energy drifted down her wrists and up to her shoulders. Eventually, filling her back. Even as the painful feeling of getting ripped apart caused her to squeeze the plate she was holding hard enough for it to break in her palm, porcelain and grub spraying at her feet, the Nightmare never left any lasting physical damage. Never actually tore her skin open. Never allowed burn marks to stain her pale visage. A shard of the plate she held was still in her grip. Surviving despite most of its being was shattered. Broken. Lost. Her strength waned as her fist shook with vexation. Disappointment in herself for letting such a simple thing get to her. Letting him get in her head. She had become sloppy. Weak and pitiful. With the last of her patience, she slammed the shard onto the table. Nearly breaking it into smaller pieces but it survived the intense beating.
The room was silent. Deafeningly quiet. Yoru had his eyebrow raised. She could feel it. The small hint of alarm in the back of his head. The Nightmare wanted it. Hungered for it. Her mind blurred. Not improving as she felt the little beacons of fear start to go off throughout the room. Onlookers nosing into her business. The Nightmare's own starvation rumbled over her's. Completely forgotten in the haze. Overruled and abandoned. A fleeting appetite replaced by her curse. Her poison. Her disease. She would go hungry again. Another night without satisfaction. Just another day of a gnawing emptiness. She'd be fine, she reasoned. Just like yesterday. Just like the day before. A snack to tie her over. Her anxiety worried over as the Nightmare grew. The knowledge of the room staring. Burying her in observation. It was enough to crush her. She turned, marching to the door.
"Hey, where do you think you're going?"
Yoru reached out his hand. The aggressive question did little to doubt Fade's own assurances of his intentions. Intentions she wouldn't allow to continue. Intentions of violence. To feed his own grudges. To quell the source of his fears. Well, what he believes to be the source of his fears. She snapped her arm behind her. Allowing Prowler off her leash for merely a moment. Enough to allow the creature to jump at Yoru. Once she sensed the spike in his emotions, she yanked. Pulling Prowler just in time so that she bit the air in front of his retreating hand. Her momentum never stopped and by the time Yoru looked back at Fade instead of her limb removing pet, she had already opened the door. The peanut gallery whispered their judgments and insults. Some even made sure she heard them. Hurtful. Vile. Annoying. By the time Yoru thought of another provoking word, Fade had ditched the room. Door closing behind her. The Nightmare out of sight.
Fade shuddered. Falling onto the bed with a grunt and holding her head in an agonized migraine. Her breath turned into a groan. Her fingers squeezing tighter and tighter until she eventually screamed. She was sure someone heard it. It didn't matter. No one who did cared enough to check. The black mist held within bursted to every corner of her room. Tendrils growing plant-like fungi upon her walls. Surrounding her. Engulfing her. The flow of black and red was like a weight off of her shoulders. A deeply held secret, cast out. A bullet to the head to rid the pain. The scream ended with a sigh and a sobbing quake. Her energy sapped in a 20 minute vacation from the safety and serenity of her dainty, bland room.
The burning reminder of her needs may have evaporated, but the awareness of its consequences was always apparent. A bag sat next to her bed. A bag that she prepared for knowing how much of a headache things would be. A bag she reached inside of. A protein bar. It was all she could eat. It was all she cared to eat. It was all she needed for now. Her stash got smaller everyday it seems. But it was enough. It had to be enough. It would be enough. The mind coped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hazal, you are short again ."
Sage huffed as she wrote off another health report. Week after week it was something new. Never a dull day when Fade stumbled into her office. Sometimes literally. For the 4th month in a row, she came up under her necessary weight. Actually, the gap only increased despite Sage's insistence to eat more.
"It's fine, Sage. I eat enough."
"No. You don't. With your radiance, this is getting dangerous."
Fade couldn't look at Sage. Arms crossed, looking to the side. Stubborn as ever. The constant worry from the healer only served to make her quieter.
"I know how dangerous I am."
Sage chastised herself. Sighing. Knowing she just said the wrong thing. It was always like this with the Nightmare. Always a balance. Balance. Sage felt confident in the word. Fade was a difficult challenge. Juggling to give her the space to breathe as she needs but also pushing her just enough to stop her self-destructive habits before they could be devastating. Fade had unfortunately developed a lot of self-destructive habits. She sat down next to Fade in the bed she was being examined on.
"That is not what I meant."
"It never is."
"Hazal…"
Sage pleaded with her. It was always a wall she had to break. No matter how many times she came in. The remnants of a hastily put together defense against everyone was always present. Sage was anything but angry at Fade for this. No, her ire had been towards Valorant. To treat a fellow agent the way they had been doing always disappointed her. Try as she might, she always let slip bitter remarks to them. Ensuring they understood how she felt about it. Of course, it would often fall on deaf ears.
"What? I eat when I want to."
"Then what is making you not want to?"
Sage saw through the manipulated wording. Knowing from plenty of experience Fade's little codes and misleading statements. Always a wall to break.
"I don't need you to watch over me like I'm a child."
"That is not what this is, Hazal. I care about you. There is nothing childish about that."
"It's foolish."
"Why?"
Fade opened her mouth for another quick quip to the conversation. Another deflection. But nothing came out. To Sage's surprise, Fade couldn't think of an excuse. Couldn't think of a lie. A silence grew between them. It always did. Sage was always patient with her. Fade always appreciated the space she gave her, even if it annoyed her how much Sage cared for her. Fade eventually crossed her arms further, as if trying to hide from her. Sage continued once she accepted that no answer would come.
"Why is it so foolish of me to want you to be happy?"
Again, Fade couldn't think of an answer. No matter how much time she let linger. Sage held her attention. Even when Fade hadn't flinched. It was clear she had a lot on her mind. Her eyes were glued to the floor, yet they searched wildly for something to say. She sighed. Trying to breathe anew.
"None of you know the Nightmare like you all think you do."
Sage didn't understand why her mind went to something so off topic. Yet she listened. If it was important to Fade then another wall was broken down. That was progress.
"I can talk for hours about how I feel or what I do with it and I would never be able to describe it."
Their weekly sessions indeed had them talk for hours about the Nightmare and Fade's health. Still, Sage understood that she had just scratched the surface of comprehending it.
"None of them have felt a fraction of it. Not even close. Dealing with such childish drama infuriates me. And yet…they way they look at me. The way they run from me…"
Fade voice choked slightly. Sage hadn't even noticed her eyes starting to shine. She held them in but Fade was opening up. A silent victory for Sage.
"Their eyes…gözleri bana kız kardeşimi hatırlatıyor. Benim ailem." (Their eyes remind me of my sister. My family.)
The wayward tear fell and her breath became shaky. She tried holding it in. Wiping her face and pausing. Sage stayed patient. Not understanding turkish fully, but enough.
"The way my sister coward. My own family. They only saw the monster I became. The parasite. I…I tortured them. Wrought them with so much pain. And I wonder…maybe they have a right to hate me. To be scared of me. I hurt all I touch…I've hurt so much."
Fade's radiance fed off of her emotions. While the walls were a hassle everytime to get passed…they had served a functional purpose. Sage wasn't surprised by the tendrils and smoke that snaked around them. The Nightmare always gained a mind of its own when Fade wasn't in control. When her mind became too preoccupied. The tendrils reached outward, surrounding Sage and Fade in a little bubble. As if it was trying to keep intruders out from their conversation. It made its effort to avoid touching Sage directly. Regardless, Sage wasn't concerned. She knew Fade well enough that she wouldn't be harmed. Plus, she was here for Fade. Who's vision was constantly obscured by the tears and the hand that wiped them. She wasn't outright bawling, it was a silent cry. One that slowly, ever so slowly got worse and worse with each drop. Quiet tears and choppy breath. Sage took this time to reach out, slowly, and rested a hand on her arm. Intentionally not gripping, allowing Fade to choose her own pace. Allowing her to deny the contact. At the same time, letting her know that Sage was still listening. Still with her. Fade immediately put a hand on top of Sage's. Lightly pushing on it. As if trying to make sure she was really there, but never turning her head towards her.
"It's pointless. Foolish. I'm not worth all this energy."
Fade gestured to the room around her. Referring to Sage's constant attempts to heal her. To care for her. It had felt like a daily occurrence that Fade came in with a new injury. A burn, a bullet, radiant marks, bruises and cuts. Everyday. Her health only declining.
"In the end. I'm just going to hurt you."
"And I will forgive you."
Fade soft chortled at the quick response. Not confident enough to look Sage in the eye. Not ready for the potential lie she'd find. But Sage dug her nail into her knuckle. Prompting Fade to look at her, if not in confusion at the assault.
"I'm serious, Hazal."
Fade still didn't believe her. Despite the lack of hoax in her irises. Despite her steeled expression. Despite the kindness in her smile. With a sad look into her eyes, Fade asked.
"Can someone as damaged as me be so easily forgiven? Can someone so evil be helped?"
Fade couldn't help but feel pathetic. Begging for some sort of comfort in her own disgusting existence. Her own sinful mark on this world. As if she had any right to ask such a loaded question. A rogue tear fell again as she naively waited for the answer. Thinking of every self-deprecating thought in her own arsenal. As if the screams of her family didn't tell her enough. The arrogance she'd have to show to leave it open as a possibility. It made her want to vomit. Sage lifted a hand up to her face. Using a thumb to clear her tear and to stroke her cheek. She held a motherly gaze. One that reminded her of her own mother. A smile that held her softly. Protected her. Defended her.
"Hazal, look at me."
Hazal's eyes were unfocused. Drifting. But pinpointed to her dark irises upon her order. Her eyes held an understanding of herself that she wouldn't think possible. To think she would be so patient. So accommodating. It tore her apart. Ripped her heart from her lungs. Why, she wondered, would Sage waste her time?
"I know what it is like to feel destructive. To fight my inner demons."
Her words so soft. So fragile. Vulnerable. It hooked Fade's attention. Captivated her. A dark secret being told.
"I have spent many years learning balance and control. It has not always been pleasant."
Sage looked away for a second. Thinking of a memory. A time when her powers weren't used for good. Weren't used as intended. A jagged spiky barricade tearing through a building. A field of grasping ice capturing all within.
"I was fortunate enough to have found mentors. People foolish enough to have faith in me."
Fade's breath hitched. Sage's thumb stroke keeping her calm. Here in the moment. Away from her vacant mind.
"Your radiance is something completely different from others I've seen. If my foolishness gives you even a moment of solace from the pain you suffer, then it is worth it."
Fade wanted to shake her head. Wanted to tell her no. But her hand prevented the former. Her eyes prevented the latter.
"Please believe me, Hazal. I have faith in you. Even if you invade my mind or darken the skies, I will forgive you. Everytime. Because I have faith in you."
Fade did believe her. She reached a hand up to Sage's wrist. Holding onto it like a lifeline. To believe she was her. Then, she pulled her hand away from her face. Pushing her hand towards her. Fade shifted her legs off the bed and sat up to face the healer.
"I do believe you."
Fade jumped down from the bed, standing, before pivoting to the door.
"That's why you're a fool."
Tears trickled down Fade's cheeks. This moment becoming so much more painful than she had realized. Rejection had always been easy for Fade. Always the default to any situation. But to do it to Sage…it was different. It was agonizing. Everything screamed at her to let her hold her. Except her instincts which told her to leave. To not let her close. To keep her away from the monsters. Fade soon walked out the door. And suddenly, Sage let out a tear of her own. At seeing Hazal tear herself apart from more than just her fleeting appetite.