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Nick knew he should tell Charlie, or at least someone, about it but he couldn’t bring himself to.
How would Charlie react? What if Nick accidentally set Charlie’s recovery back? He wouldn’t ever forgive himself if that happened. “Nick, I can hear you thinking from here,” Charlie said from his place next to Nick, cuddling into his chest. “Sorry,” He murmured.
“Hey, if I can’t say the s-word then neither can you,” He said jokingly before the soft yet serious tone in his voice came back. “What’s wrong?” Charlie asked, drawing tiny comforting circles on Nick’s hip with his thumb. “I-” Nick huffed out a frustrated noise. “I can’t tell you” He hated lying to Charlie, every time he had to make an excuse for this his heart stabbed itself with a shard of its shattered self. “Nick, you can tell me anything, I promise I won’t get upset” Nick wanted to believe him, he really did. But how was he supposed to tell Charlie that the thing he struggled with for so long had started happening to him as well?
“But we don’t have to talk about it right now if you wish” Nick took a deep breath in, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to have someone who could help. Nick thought it was selfish of himself even to think that, he felt as if he was undermining Charlie’s recovery at the thought alone. Just as Nick was about to chicken out, making yet another excuse of what thoughts plagued his mind, Charlie leaned on Nick’s thigh.
Nick winced loudly, a sharp reminder of what he had done just before Charlie got here, 20 minutes ago, jolting through his leg. “Nick? What happened?” Charlie immediately took his hand off Nick’s thigh, only to be met with the familiar sight of drops of blood appearing in 2 blotchy lines on his sweatpants. “Nick?” Charlie shakily spoke. Nick knew he should’ve put a bandaid on but he was in a rush, and Charlie got there earlier than he expected.
Charlie didn’t say anything. He just got up, urging Nick to do the same, and once he did lead him to the bathroom. Charlie tugged at Nick’s pants once he had locked the door, signaling for him to take them off. Nick complied, sitting on the toilet seat wishing he could just sink into the ground and Charlie cleaned and bandaged the cuts. The minute Charlie was done, he hid the bloody tissues in the trash and stood up.
The second they were back in Nick’s bed, him being at Charlie’s chest this time, Nick broke down. The whole time Nick cried, Charlie held him, ignoring tears of his own daring to fall over his eyelids. When Nick had gotten it all out of his system, he apologized. “Hey, you do not have to apologize for this” Charlie scooched down to Nick’s eye level, leaving Nick’s head on a pillow instead of his chest. “Talk to me love,” Charlie brought a shaky hand up to Nick’s face, wiping away the mostly dried tears on his cheeks. “I don’t know where to start” He whispered, his voice hoarse from the crying.
“May I ask some questions then?” Charlie asked, pulling his hand back. Nick nodded. “When did this start?” Nick mentally face palmed, of course, that was the first question he was going to ask! But Nick couldn’t do this on his own anymore. “January” It took a second before Charlie’s eyes widened with realization and his stomach dropped. “You mean after…” Nick nodded. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to it just happened! I nicked myself and then I just kept going, I don’t know what possessed me to do such a thing but-”
Charlie cut Nick off with a kiss, which is when Nick realized Charlie had been crying as well. “Now I’ve made you upset as well!” Nick exclaimed. He would’ve been on the verge of crying again had he not cried every ounce of liquid out of himself. “Nick, what would you say if I apologized for hurting myself” Nick knew it was a trap but he answered anyway. “That you should never apologize for it” Charlie smirked, not that it covered the sadness clear on his face.
“But that’s different, you’re in recovery and I shouldn’t be telling you this stuff when I could cause you a relapse-” Nick sat up, waving his hands as he spoke before, yet again, Charlie cut him off. “Nope, don’t even think about going there. I want to know when you are having a hard time, even if it’s small but especially if it’s big.” Nick wanted to believe his boyfriend, and he knew this sounded like something he would say to Charlie.
“I think we should talk to your mom about this” “No!” Nick immediately shut that idea down. He knew she would help him but it would break her heart that he didn’t come to her sooner. What if she blamed Charlie and banned him from the house? “Nick, it’s going to get worse if you don’t get help, and one day you might do something you’ll regret,” Charlie said, speaking from experience.
At that moment a new string of what-ifs popped into his head. What if I died? What if Charlie saw it? What would happen to Charlie after I’m gone? That thought tipped him over the edge, he couldn’t bare to do that to Charlie. “Could we tell her right now?” It was almost dinner time, he knew she would be down there right now waiting for whatever was cooking to finish, probably watching a show while she did so. Charlie smiled at ‘we’, “Of course”.
The two boys walked downstairs slowly. Nick could feel his blood pulsing throughout his body.
He was scared shitless.
But Charlie was there and Charlie made it okay. “Oh, boys! I was just about to call you guys down for dinn…er,” The minute Sarah turned around and saw her son’s puffy face her sentence trailed off.
“Oh, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” She enveloped her son in a tight hug and it was then that she saw Charlie’s slightly red eyes. “I need to talk to you,” Nick said, reluctantly pulling himself out of his mother’s warm arms. “With Charlie?” “With Charlie.” Nick confirmed. The three of them sat in silence for a minute before Nick spoke up. “I um, I’ve been struggling” This wasn’t new to Sarah, Nick had always come to her when he needed help.
But she could tell this was different and more serious than before. “How so?” Sarah asked. “I’ve been, um, hurting myself” Nick forced the words out, but he couldn’t get his voice to go louder than a whisper. “Oh, honey…” Sarah moved toward her son, embarrassing her son in a tight hug. “I don’t want to go to a hospital” Nick sobbed into his mom’s shoulder. “I won’t make you go unless you need to” Sarah wasn’t going to tell Nick that she wouldn’t make him go at all, she couldn’t promise that. She knew it wasn’t the response he wanted but it was the truth.
“We’ll get you some help, alright? First thing tomorrow morning, I’ll look into getting you a therapist, you can help me look as well” Sarah gave Nick a squeeze before pulling back. “I’ve gotta go get the food out of the oven, you boys stay here. We’re eating in the living room tonight.” Charlie excused himself to get some blankets and pillows from Nick’s room. “Mum?” Nick asked as he walked into the kitchen.
“Hm?” Sarah handed him a plate as she pulled the lasagna out of the oven. “You’re…you’re not going to like- raid my room or take the door off, right?” Nick remembered hearing online about how some people’s parents ripped their doors right off the hinges. “Of course not, you still need your privacy, and taking your door off won’t stop you from doing anything, it’ll just make you find different and more sneaky ways to do it. I’m trusting you to tell me either before or after you relapse, preferably before but we’ll work our way there.” Sarah put a hand on Nick’s shoulder, “You’re going to be okay, you got us” Nick softly pushed her arm away, “You’re going to make me cry again” He laughed out a small sob.
“In my kitchen? I think not” Sarah teased, wiping the tears off her son’s cheeks. For the first time in weeks, Nick had tears coursing down his face from happiness rather than sorrow. The three had slept in the living room that night. Sarah’s bad back be damned, she wasn’t going to let her son think for even a second that she didn’t care.