Work Text:
“I’m a boy, I’m a girl,” Johnny wrote, then grimaced.
Then why did they feel like neither?
—
Sometimes (okay...a lot of the time), Johnny thought about what Jerry would think of them. Of their...inadherence? to gender.
Obviously, Jerry didn't have a problem with how Johnny dressed and presented themself, or he wouldn't be dressing in drag alongside the rest of the New York Dolls.
But Johnny was pretty sure their thoughts of gender nonconformity, if you'd call them that, had been around since before they'd been a Doll, and it was that which they feared Jerry's opinion of.
Because nobody, not even their bandmates, had ever brought up feeling like they did, like they were unlike both men and women and in simultaneous states of "neither" and "other".
—
Once (...or maybe more than once), Johnny had been thinking of their school days, lost in their memories and the daze of dope.
English class...They'd raised their hand in that class, once. Were they 15? 16? They blinked, then moved on, mumbling all the while.
They asked the teacher...They were writing a...something...and were stuck...so they asked the teacher what to do...when writing something where it wasn't known if someone was a boy or girl...
Johnny blinked again, harshly, as they remembered what the teacher had said.
"Say 'he or she', dearie." ...Or something like that. It didn't seem like the right answer though. It was clunky. It was unreadable.
...And didn't seem like them.
Johnny blinked too late this time; the tears had begun falling.
—
A while after that, Johnny had been standing in the New York subways. He/she wasn't doing much, just waiting for his/her train to finally arrive. To pass the time, he/she had taken to listening to snippets of conversations from nameless faces around him/her he/she could overhear.
"We've got to go to Pizza Hut or something! I'm starving!"
"Mom's totally gonna kill me...Ugh..."
"Sure thing, Case."
"How about the Haunting?"
"A friend? What are they like?"
Johnny almost let that last snippet slip his/her mind, but something kept it in focus.
They.
Not she, not he, but they. There...weren't any preconceptions of gender attached to what that person had said. Was the friend a boy? Or a girl? Johnny certainly didn't know.
And suddenly, with that newfound realization, Johnny felt a bit more comfortable with themself.
—
Johnny had found themself heading over to Dee Dee Ramone's apartment with Jerry once again, newly acquired dope concealed in each of their jackets. Johnny's was beige and leopard-printed; Jerry's was pale red and plaid. Both of them wore heeled ankle boots—Johnny's, white; Jerry's, black.
Johnny loved their outfit, especially the heels. They contrasted against their natural masculinity, and they injected Johnny's outline with a small bit of femininity. Johnny liked to think that, especially with their longer hair, they could perhaps pass for either gender.
Maybe. Hopefully. They really wanted to.
Before they could question it anymore though, Johnny and Jerry had made it to the apartment, and Jerry was already knocking on the door. They were let in by Dee Dee. Johnny's thoughts should have ended there, lost in an ocean of dope-induced haze.
Instead, the words in Johnny's mind floated atop a gentle, pleasureful, foggy sea, and they found their tongue looser than ever.
"Jerry..?"
"Mm..?"
"Do you...ever feel like...you're not a boy or a girl..?"
"...No..?"
Johnny stayed quiet, staring off somewhere.
"Do you..?" Jerry's voice snapped them back.
Johnny smiled, and admitted, "Yeah."
"...How?"
"I just...am not..." They paused, sluggish mind reaching for the words, "It's not 'he's Johnny', and it's not 'she's Johnny'...It's 'they're Johnny'..."
Johnny looked towards Jerry, searching for a reaction in his features.
But Jerry gave no indication of it besides a murmured "they're Johnny...", and by then, Johnny was too high to be nervous about it.
—
The next day, Johnny had been very nervous.
Why had they shared that? What would Jerry think? Would he even remember..?
God, they needed some dope.
They also did not have any dope. Jerry had dope.
Johnny frowned. At least the Dolls had a concert that night...though when that came, they'd also find out what Jerry thought of their confession.
The thought of Jerry's disapproval tied another knot (or ten) in their stomach.
Was there even a single person like Johnny out there..? Would Jerry see their claim as being not male nor female as simply...silly? He probably would, wouldn't he. Even if Jerry sometimes dressed like a woman, he was still a man. So why wasn't Johnny? (Or were they only deluding themself into thinking they weren't..?)
Oh, they'd gone through these thoughts before, hadn't they?
Johnny lightly bit their lip and cast a glance to their arms. They really needed some dope.
—
Johnny had arrived backstage later than intended, held back by, at first, just their hesitation but also by a late subway train.
"Not late!" They declared, stepping into the tuning room.
"Eight minutes late." David replied dryly.
"Oh, come on—give 'em a break." Jerry rolled his eyes, "We've still got the time to rehearse."
"Not as much time!"
From there, as Johnny hurriedly tuned and plugged in their guitar, the Dolls descended into bickering.
"Listen to them!" Jerry reiterated Johnny's point for what seemed like the fifth time, "They. Couldn't. Help it. The train was late. What's a g- someone gonna do with that?!"
David then said something else in a mocking response, and then Syl was saying another thing, but at that moment, Johnny couldn't care less about what it was because they had just noticed.
Someone. Jerry said "someone". Not "a guy", because Johnny wasn't a guy. They were just someone.
Briefly, Johnny gaped at Jerry, who wasn't even looking at them anymore. Jerry had...just accepted it. Accepted them.
At that moment, they didn't think it was possible to be happier. And something inside them told them to act on it, grasp at it.
"Come on, we're all ready, let's start!" Johnny's voice cut through the petty argument, and miraculously, everyone listened. They nodded their heads and picked up their instruments.
As the four Dolls got into their places, Johnny made sure to shoot Jerry a smile. Jerry returned it with a grin and moments later, began counting the band off.
From there, the New York Dolls exploded with sound, this time with Johnny feeling more comfortable in their skin than ever.
They definitely couldn't have been happier.