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Robin had never felt pain like this.
The plan to get rid of Vecna had been simple. The group was going to split in half; Joyce and Hopper would go with Will, Dustin, Lucas, Max, and El to take down Vecna while the others played distraction for his army. There had been a brief moment when Robin thought they’d done it, but then a Demogorgon had come charging towards them - towards her - and she didn’t have time to react before Steve was shoving her out of the way and being flung across the woods by a massive hand.
Even weeks later, Robin can hear the sound that escaped her throat as she watched him hit a tree with a sickening crack, his body falling to the ground and not moving again.
The Demogorgon was advancing on him, claws soaked in blood from ripping in and out of his chest, and Robin couldn’t do anything but watch as Nancy fired shots off to keep it at bay while Jonathan set it on fire. It screeched and wailed, rearing away from Steve and collapsing on the forest floor before it eventually went silent.
Then Robin unfroze. “Shit. Steve!” She bolted to where she’d seen him land, sliding on her knees until she stopped beside him. He wasn’t moving, the long gashes across his chest turning his shirt an awful sludgy black.
But if she looked long enough, she could see his chest rising and falling shakily.
She ripped off her jacket and pressed it to the wounds. “Steve! Steve, can you hear me?” There was a horrible second of silence, and then he gave a soft groan, peeling his eyes open to look at her.
“Robin?”
“Yeah,” she laughed, and the sound caught in her throat, relieved and worried and afraid. Tears clouded her vision, and she almost didn’t see Nancy, Jonathan, and Eddie appear on Steve’s other side. The radio was in Jonathan’s hand, and there was a voice on the other end - Robin was sure it was Hopper - but she couldn’t hear what he was saying. “Yeah, dingus, it’s me.”
His eyes suddenly went wide. “I- I c-can’t move.”
Robin met Nancy’s eyes, and she knew . She’d heard the crack as his body collided with the tree. It had to be a spinal injury.
“It’s ok.” Eddie’s hands took her place, keeping pressure on Steve’s chest so she could take his hand, the other reaching up to card through his hair. “You’re gonna be ok. We’re gonna get you to a hospital, and they’ll fix you up. You can go back to carting the gremlins around and sorting the movies the wrong way to piss me off-”
“Color-coded is not-”
“They’re supposed to be alphabetical.”
Steve laughed, then groaned, his face pulling tight in agony.
Robin squeezed his hand tighter. “You’re gonna be ok. You have to, do you understand? Cause I’m gonna graduate, and you’re going to be there, cheering and embarrassing the shit out of me. We’re going to get that apartment and finally get out of this shit hole. You’re gonna be there to listen when I complain about how hopeless I am with girls.” The others don’t indicate that they realize what she’s said. “You have to be there. I need you to be there. You’re my best friend, and I love you and-” Her breath caught, and she dropped her head against his chest.
“I-I love you, R-Rob.” His eyes drifted over to Nancy, who had tears streaking down her face. She took Steve’s other hand. She wasn’t in love with him - and he wasn’t in love with her, hadn’t been for a long time - but she was one of his best friends, and she knew how important she was to him, to the person he’d become.
Eddie was different - they’d only been friends for a few months - but they’d all been through this crazy shit together. He was one of the only ones who would ever understand, and that made him important.
Jonathan had moved closer to the cabin, yelling into the walkie.
It would amaze Robin later that she hadn’t been able to hear anything Jonathan was saying, but she’d heard it when Steve’s heart stopped.
Even though it was faint, with her head on his chest, she could feel the thump thump…thump…thump thump beneath her ear.
Thump thump…thump…thump thump
Thump…thump…thump
Thump…thump
Thump
And then… Silence.
She waits to hear it again.
She never does.
“Steve?” She lets go of his hand, bringing it up to cup his face. His eyes are still open, but they’ve gone flat. “Steve, wake up. Steve, will you just wake up and talk to me, please? Steve!”
And then she felt the shift, the final piece that sent a deep, crushing emptiness through her chest. Like she knew, in her soul, that something vital was gone.
She reached over to close his eyes, her whole body shaking. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
She’s completely unaware of how much time passes before a hand drops on her shoulder; Joyce Byers. Her eyes were watery and sad, and her face was ashen, but her grip was firm as she pulled Robin away from Steve. Robin held him tighter. “Honey,” Joyce whispered. “There are people here that can help, but you need to let him go.”
They weren’t going to save him - deep down, she knew that - but a part of her hoped as she unwrapped her fingers from Steve’s jacket and let Joyce lead her away.
It wasn’t until she stepped away that her mind fully caught up with what was happening. All the sounds and flashing lights felt like an assault on her senses. The screech of tires, the thud of boots against the ground, people barking orders.
Someone was screaming.
It was Dustin, tears streaming down his face as he wailed into Eddie’s shoulder. The rest of the party were frozen in grief and horror as Robin broke away from Joyce and threw herself at him.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
She didn’t let go until two men lifted Steve’s body onto a gurney and loaded him into an ambulance.
“I’m going with them,” she wasn’t sure who she was talking to, but before she could take more than a few steps, Hopper caught her by the arm, shaking his head.
“No. I’m going to follow them to the station, call his parents, make sure everything gets sorted for him. You need to stay here and-” his voice cracked, and he was shaking, and it was so different from the stony chief she was used to seeing that it completely threw her off balance. “Just stay here.”
She didn’t listen. She moved to follow him anyway because she’ll be damned if she left Steve by himself, but another hand grabbed at her arm. Eddie.
This time, she brings her elbow back and tries to hit him, but he catches it, wrapping his arms around her and pinning her own to her chest so she can’t hurt him. She fights him, kicking, screaming, and trying to get free, but he doesn’t let go.
“Eddie, stop! Let me go! Eddie, please let me go!” her cries turned desperate as she watched Hopper climb into the ambulance. As soon as he closed the door, it started to drive away, and she wasn’t there, she had to be there-
“Robin, stop.” Eddie’s voice was right next to her ear. He was crying. “Please, stop. He’s gone, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
The impact behind her swings gets weaker and weaker, and all the fight bleeds out of her body, her legs no longer able to support her when the sobs take over.
Eddie falls with her, his arms comforting rather than restraining her. “I’m sorry,” he says it over and over until she can’t make the words out anymore, and the only sound in her head is the same thought, playing on a loop:
I will never recover from this.
She parks outside Steve’s house just as the sun comes up behind it.
In the handwritten will she found in one of his desk drawers - him having the foresight to write it was a kind of horrible she doesn’t want to think about - he’d left her his car.
If she lets herself think about it, she can visualize the look on Steve’s face when he’d offered to teach her how to drive. The jokes he’d made about needing backup in case the next fight came, and he was too concussed to be the getaway driver. She could hear his laugh after she’d punched him and told him he wasn’t allowed to get any more concussions lest he lose his last brain cell.
It had taken some convincing, but in the end, she was glad she agreed because the memories of his white-knuckled grip on the panic bar made it easier to walk into his house without him.
His whoops of joy after she’d passed her driving test kept thoughts of her best friend gasping for his last breath in the corners of her mind where they belonged.
When she’d found the will, she’d just started packing up his room. She’d thought that starting with the desk would be easier since there wasn’t much on it, but the moment she’d read the slip of paper, she’d dropped everything and left as fast as she could, swallowing back bile.
And now she was back, only a few days before the Harrington’s had to be out of the house for good, turning her key in the lock with shaking hands.
She’s loading the last of the boxes into Steve’s car - she can’t bring herself to call it anything but his - when Eddie’s van pulls up, and he, Jonathan, and Nancy step out.
She gives them a half-hearted wave. “Hey.”
“Hi,” Nancy smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.
“We thought you could use some help packing up,” Eddie said.
“Thanks, but I didn’t need it,” she gestures to Steve’s car. “This is everything.”
Eddie’s eyes widen. “You’re done already?”
Robin nods but doesn’t say anything because that would open a door she isn’t ready to examine yet. It pissed her off that Steve’s parents couldn’t wait more than a week after their only child’s funeral to sell their house. There hadn’t been a shred of sympathy in Mr. Harrington’s eyes when Robin offered to pack up Steve’s things, just a short nod and a reminder that they had to be out at the end of the month, and what was left was getting tossed on the street. As far as Robin knew, they weren’t even in Indiana anymore.
It made her sad that Steve had spent most of his life in that house, alone, and the only thing he had to show for it was one room that hadn’t even looked like it belonged to him. There were no posters or album covers on the walls - plain, pristine white - no stuffed animals from when he was a child or trophies from high school. His clothes were neatly folded inside his drawers. There were no scuffs or stains on the carpet. Not a single thing was out of place.
The only signs Steve had ever lived there were the movies - likely stolen from Family Video - stacked with a box of cassettes on his bookshelf and the framed pictures on the nightstand - Steve and the kids, Steve and Robin laughing as they sat by the pool one night. She doesn’t remember who took the picture, but Steve’s thumb is covering part of the lens from when he reached out to try to stop them.
She took the movies back to Family Video and left them, along with her vest and name tag, on the counter. She couldn’t work there without him. It just didn’t feel right.
But she kept the picture for herself, and it’s part of the pile she accumulated in the passenger seat, along with a few of his hoodies and the string bracelet she made for him right after they’d become friends. She wore the matching one on her wrist.
“All his stuff’s back here if you guys want to go through it,” she pops the trunk and gestures to the boxes lining the back of the car. That’s another thing that pisses her off; that Steve’s entire twenty years of life could be packed up by one person in less than a day.
The others watch her for a moment before Nancy steps forward and pulls the first box out, setting it gently on the lawn. Jonathan and Eddie follow suit, and the four of them work together, sorting through things they think the kids might want - basketball cards for Lucas, a few books for Max, and a handful of polaroids Nancy keeps for herself.
“Oh, Eddie,” Robin says, rummaging around until she finds it. “Steve wanted to give you these. He was going to wait till Christmas, but….”
Steve would have laughed at the look on Eddie’s face when he realizes what she’s handed him. “These are first edition Lord of the Rings.”
She nods. “He found them in his dad's office. Thought you would appreciate them more.” She knows Steve’s father won’t even notice they’re gone.
“Fucking Harrington.” His expression is both dumbstruck and fond, and it makes her heart ache.
Soon enough, hours have passed, and Robin’s laughing at a story Eddie’s telling, and it feels like a small part of the wound in her soul is healing.
Until Jonathan says, “What are these?” He’s holding the box of cassette tapes in his hands.
Robin barely glanced at it when she threw it in the bottom of one of the boxes, so she shrugs.
Nancy reaches over and pulls one out. It’s the Clash’s Combat Rock, and there’s a piece of tape on the back with Will’s name. She frowns and pulls out another one, Metallica with Eddie’s name. One after the other, the tapes end up strewn on the lawn in front of them; Bowie, Michael Jackson, ABBA, Kate Bush, Limahl. Robin’s heart stutters when she finds the tape with Steve’s name: Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler.
It’s their Vecna songs, one for each member of the Party. Steve knew them all.
She stands and bolts back to the car, yanking open the glove box and pulling out the tapes Steve kept there. Robin always gave him shit for his poor taste in music - he played the same Tears for Fears album every time they were in the car - but as she dumps the cassettes on the ground, they’re the same. It wasn’t his music taste; it was theirs.
The realization makes her laugh - a forced, heavy sound like the air is being squeezed from her lungs - because, of course, the only music Steve had would be for them. Of course it would.
The laughs have turned to sobs, and she has the sleeve of Eddie’s shirt in a death grip when he wraps his arms around her. “It’s ok,” Eddie says. “It’s ok. Take some deep breaths for me, yeah? In through your nose, out through your mouth.” His chest shoves against her shoulder as he takes big, exaggerated breaths.
When Robin calms down enough to see straight again, she wipes angrily at her eyes. “Jesus, I am so tired of crying.”
Nancy, whose face is splotchy and red, reaches over and squeezes her hand. “Me too.”
“All this for Steve Harrington,” Robin says. “Who would have thought?”
“He was a pretty special guy, though,” The four of them laugh, and it’s the saddest sound in the world.
“Yeah, he was.”
Robin despises Mr. and Mrs. Harrington, but she has to give it to them; they picked a nice spot for Steve.
It’s near the back of the cemetery, under a tree with big white blooms, far enough away from the other graves that nobody bothers Robin when she visits.
Steve Harrington
April 24th, 1966 - June 4, 1986
Beloved son and friend
It wasn’t enough. Those words would never be enough to describe everything Steve was.
Fuck, she misses him.
She knows the others come often - she can tell by the letters and flowers left by his headstone - but she always comes alone. Sometimes she’ll bring a drink and talk to him until the sun goes down, or she’ll bring a book and say nothing at all. She likes to imagine he’s sitting beside her, laughing at her jokes or reading over her shoulder like he used to on nights when neither of them could sleep.
The first time she came, she’d taken a page from Max’s book and brought him a letter. It was initially intended to be her speech for his funeral.
She’d fought with Nancy and Eddie when they’d tried to convince her to go. The Harrington’s had planned it once they came back, and they’d invited everyone in Hawkins.
Steve would have hated every second of it.
“I’m not gonna sit there and listen to his parents cry about how much they loved their son when they let him sit in the morgue for over a week,” she’d snapped.
“Robin, come on,” Nancy pleaded with her. “This isn’t about Steve’s parents-”
“It isn’t about Steve either! They’re only here so they don’t look like bad parents, which is ironic because they couldn’t be bothered to check in after all the times he almost died.” She laughed humorlessly. “Do you know who was taking care of him after Starcourt? We were. The only adult that was there for him was Joyce fucking Byers . I mean, seriously, how shitty do you have to be that your son's ex-girlfriends boyfriends mom is going to check on him before you do?”
It wasn’t fair that Steve’s parents got to show up and act like they were grieving when Steve’s real family had been there the whole time. It wasn’t fair that Robin had listened to Steve cry because he didn’t understand why his parents didn’t want him, how he still loved them even though they never gave any of it back.
They would never understand how special their son was, and Robin hated them for it. You didn’t get to ignore someone their entire life and then be sad when they died.
Eddie sighed. It was strange seeing him in a suit and not in his normal vest and jeans. “Robin, the kids need you to be there.”
And what was she supposed to say to that?
She’d written the speech, but once she’d gotten there, she’d scrapped the entire thing because she couldn’t say any of it.
She couldn’t tell anyone that Steve was a hero because they’d been fed some bullshit about a car accident.
She could tell them he was her best friend and she’d trusted him more than anyone, but she couldn’t tell them why.
So she’d stood in the back of the church between Dustin and Max, one of their hands in each of hers, with her speech crumpled in her pocket. And a week later - the first time she’d left her house since - she’d biked out to the cemetery to read it to him.
“I’ve known Steve for most of my life. We both grew up in Hawkins, went to the same school, even had a class together. But I didn’t really meet Steve until I had to work with him last year, and I found out everything I’d thought I knew about him was wrong. He was still a dingus and had really stupid hair, but he was also selfless and funny, and his heart was bigger than his brain, which is why he was constantly getting into stupid situations. He would have done anything for the people he loved - especially his little shitheads - and he was my best friend. Even before the monsters and interdimensional bullshit, he saved me. I trusted him with something I’d never told anyone, and I was so scared he would hate me, but he didn’t. He just accepted it. He made fun of my taste in girls and covered for me when I was scared my parents would find out. And I’m really going to miss him. I love you, dingus. More than you ever knew.”
“I thought I’d find you here,” She looks up to see Eddie walking through the other graves towards her. He pauses to leave the rose he’s carrying on Chrissy Cunningham’s headstone before sitting beside Robin.
Jason Carver is probably rolling in his grave at the thought of Eddie visiting Chrissy. One of the only good things that have come out of this is that Eddie finally has a bit of peace, without Jason there to fuel the Jesus-freak fire.
Robin feels awful the second she thinks it because it isn’t just Jason who lost his life to the Upside Down. Dozens of their classmates - people who should have been walking with them at graduation - had empty seats. The moment of silence at the beginning of the ceremony was too long for people who should’ve just been starting their lives, and Robin knew they all felt it when she, Eddie, and Nancy walked, the absence of the person that should have been cheering them on from the crowd.
She’d found Eddie at the cemetery after the ceremony, carefully placing a graduation cap and Chrissy’s diploma on her headstone. Her parents had left Indiana months ago and hadn’t been back to receive it from the school.
She hadn’t said anything to him then, but a silent understanding had passed between them.
“I kissed him,” Eddie says now, breaking the silence. “Before-”
Robin stares at him, confused before she realizes he’s talking about Steve.
“He kept trying to talk about it,” Eddie continues. “But I told him to wait until all this was over because guys like Steve Harrington don’t end up with guys like me - guys like Steve don’t usually end up with guys at all - and if he was gonna be with me, I didn’t want it to be because he was scared he wasn’t going to get another chance. I wanted-”
“You wanted it to be real.”
Eddie looks at her and then at the headstone beside them, and his expression is so grief-stricken Robin swears she feels her heart shatter.
“I like girls,” she says. Eddie’s eyes snap up to her face. “Steve was the first person I told, and I was so scared he would hate me,”
“Steve never could’ve hated you,” Eddie says.
“I didn’t know that at the time. We’d only just started to become friends, and I guess a part of me still expected King Steve to show up,” she chuckles. “The only thing he did was make fun of my taste in girls.”
“Who was the girl?”
“Tammy Thompson.”
“Oh my god, Buckley, seriously?” Eddie groans, rolling back into the grass dramatically. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s pretty, but that girl is fucking tone-deaf .”
“That’s exactly what Steve said,” Robin cackles, and the sound reverberates through her chest.
Eddie smiles. “I know what you mean, though, about King Steve. When Dustin first joined Hellfire, I thought he was full of shit cause there was no way this jackass I knew in high school was the coolest person he’d ever met - I mean, the fucking kid wouldn’t shut up about him - but then all this Vecna stuff happened, and I was totally wrong.”
“When we started working at Scoops, I told him that even though we worked together, there was no universe where we would ever be friends.”
Robin remembers that moment vividly, hating Steve and Tammy Thompson and being confident she already knew everything she needed to know about him. She wishes she could go back to when Steve reached to shake her hand and tell her younger self to take it. To be his friend. That, yes, he was a dick in high school, but he was different, and she needed to tell him that she loved him because the Robin she was now couldn’t .
Because even if it ended the same way, with her and Eddie Munson sitting at his grave mourning someone for longer than they knew him, at least she would have more time.
“I really miss him.” she can’t force her voice to be louder than a whisper.
Eddie takes her hand, squeezing her fingers tightly, and it makes her feel a little better that there are tears in his eyes too. “I know you do. I miss him too.”
It doesn’t fix the part of her that's missing - Robin knows that the Steve Harrington-shaped hole she’s cut into her life is something she’ll have to live with forever - but being able to talk about him and finding that all of it doesn’t hurt, feels a little bit like healing.