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"He broke into my apartment to tell me I didn't follow the right evacuation protocol!"
"Aw, you know he just likes being dramatic."
"He was hovering over my bed! He could've killed me in my sleep!" Hal cries. He almost flings peas into Clark's face as he waves his spoon in indignation. They're in the Watchtower canteen finally catching a meal after today's latest crisis, and somehow it's turned into a vent session about all the ways Bruce has been terrorizing Hal lately.
"You know he'd never do that. He's something of a silly sour pickle, but he considers you a valuable teammate, despite your disagreements."
Clark smiles, trying to project reassurance, but Hal just squints at him. "Did...did you just call Batman a silly pickle."
"Oh, sorry. Lois is always telling me I've gotta tone it down on the PDA. Says it's offensive to the singletons in the world."
"She's right, but also. Is that. Is that like a nickname? Do you call him that to his face?"
"I mean, it's one of many," Clark says, scratching his cheek as he thinks about it. "I only use that one when he's being like that, y'know? Normally he's just my butter biscuit! My pudding pop."
Hal pauses stock still with his spoon of peas in his mouth. After chewing very slowly for half a minute, he pushes his tray aside and stares Clark dead in the eyes. "Clark, man, you know I've got nothing but respect for you, right? So when I say your pet names suck, it's coming from a place of concern. Because I value our friendship."
"I thought they were cute! The kids think they're cute..." At Hal's raised eyebrow, Clark amends, "Okay, well, Dick thought they were cute."
"Most kids are going to think it's gross when you call their dad your sweet potato or whatever."
"Oh, that's a good one! I'm adding it to my list."
"You...you do that," Hal says, deciding to surrender this conversation before he learns anything else that might cause him emotional damage.
Hal tells Barry about the conversation and then promptly puts the whole thing out of his mind until Clark forces him to relive it after battle cleanup one day.
"Kal, bring that piece of the ship back to the Watchtower. I want a sample of the alloy they were using."
"Yes, my honey ham," Clark says as he flies to chunk of debris Batman is pointing at.
"What the fuck," Hal whispers under his breath. Clark, hearing him from even way over there, shoots him an apologetic look.
After their sparring session, Diana accompanies Clark on his search for his wayward partner. Bruce should have finished with security upgrades a while ago, but he never turned up to lurk around and watch them on the mats. They finally find him in the computer room, head down on a desk.
"Oh, he fell asleep."
"I knew he didn't sleep for six hours yesterday," Clark mutters. "Liar liar." He reaches down to brush a lock of hair out of Bruce's face.
"Well, we know Bruce's relationship with truth can be flexible," Diana says with a smile. "Should we bring him to his quarters?"
"No, that's alright, I'll take him back down to Gotham. Alfred'll have better luck getting him to stay in bed than any of us. Alrighty, my sugar dumpling, up we go," Clark says as he lifts Bruce into his arms, careful not to jostle him awake.
"Ah," Diana says, hiding her mouth behind her hand. This must be what Hal was complaining about.
"Hm?"
"Nothing, my friend."
J'onn is on his way to take over monitor duty with Diana when they pass Bruce sweeping down the corridor like a stormcloud. He lifts his hand in greeting, but Batman only gives them each a curt nod and marches on without a word. J'onn exchanges a look with Diana, who shrugs and points at Clark flying down the hallway toward them.
"Is there trouble afoot?"
"Nothing you need to worry about. He's just a grumpy l'il tater tot this morning," Clark says as he floats after his partner. "Don't mind him. Have a good shift, guys."
"Thank you," J'onn replies, trying not to imagine Bruce as a potato.
"Have you ever noticed that all of Clark's terms of endearment are based around food?" Diana asks after they relieve Arthur and Barry of their posts.
J'onn thinks back to the last time he was with both Batman and Superman in the field. Clark had called Bruce his "corncob," and then upon seeing Bruce's flat stare and J'onn's look of bemusement, proceeded to tell J'onn that he too was as great as sweet corn, but in a non-romantic sense. A platonic corncob. J'onn appreciated the thought behind the statement, even though the execution left quite a lot of room for improvement.
"They do all revolve around food, don't they?"
Diana nods, continuing to sharpen her sword without looking away from the screens. "It's rather cute. I should take him up on his offer to attend the county fair the next time he asks. He tells me they have deep-fried oreos."
"Then count me in as well."
"I'm serious, J'onn's heard them too!" Hal hisses. They're waiting for the League meeting to begin but accidentally arrived fifteen minutes early, so now there's nothing to do but gossip.
"Maybe I just haven't been paying enough attention," Barry says as he stares across the conference room at Batman showing something to Superman on a tablet. "He just says them in public? In the middle of missions?" He knew they were a couple, everyone knows, but neither of them are really the kind to be mushy about it.
"Yeah! It's weird as hell. I mean, I guess it's a lot less weird coming from Clark than anyone else, but it still gives me the chills."
"Huh." Barry watches as Bruce taps the tablet, swiping to the side.
"It should be arriving on Tuesday. She may have to sign for it," Bruce says.
"That's no problem. She's going to love it, thank you," Clark replies warmly.
"Well, it's the least I could do for her birthday."
Clark grins, his smile face lighting up the whole room. Barry has to put a hand over his eyes so it doesn't blind him. "Why, aren't you just the sweetest slice of apple pie I ever did taste?"
Bruce sighs, and Barry can feel the exasperation from here. "What did we say about pet names while in the suit, Kal?"
"Aw, it's not like anyone in the room doesn't already know we're together."
"This isn't about our relationship. This is about professionalism. You can't run around calling your co-workers by pet names."
"No? Do people mind?" Clark turns to call over to Barry and Hal, "Would you mind if I called you by a nickname?"
"Uh?" Barry says, feeling put on the spot. "Like what?"
"I dunno, like buddy, or champ."
"You sound like a little league coach," Hal says.
"Oh. Uh. How about pal? Skippy?"
"I don't hate it," Barry says, and Hal makes an ambivalent noise.
"If we say yes, will you also stop calling Batman stuff like pumpkin patch and baby cakes?"
"If it's making people uncomfortable, then of course," Clark says. Hal nods, mulling this over.
He turns and makes very deliberate eye contact with Bruce; Barry can practically hear Batman tensing up from here. They're seconds away from a "Jordan, don't even think about it".
"Jordan, don't you dare-" Yep. Right on schedule.
"We're totally fine with it, Supes," Hal says loudly, drowning Bruce out. "It's not like we don't all know he's your cinnamon bun. You can call me skippy for the rest of your life, if you want."
"Glad to hear it, buddy," Clark says, smiling. He turns back to Bruce to say, "See, muffin? Nobody minds."
"Apparently not," Bruce says as he gives Hal his best "I'm going to keep breaking into your apartment until you go into cardiac arrest" glare.
"The one with a cow on a boat, they tell me. Not the cow on the airplane."
"Don't worry, I know the one. Anything else?"
"Just that, thanks. See you soon. Alfred will be putting a plate aside for you, so don't try to sneak any junk food on your way or we'll both never hear the end of it."
"Sure thing, cupcake," Clark says into his phone. He's ready to head back down to Earth after punting some invaders back into space; swinging by the market to buy some milk is well worth a hot dinner. When he hangs up, he sees Diana and Barry watching him with amusement.
"Cupcake? You have me wondering if Bruce has any pet names for you," Diana says, and Barry laughs.
"I mean, can you imagine Batman saying stuff like tootsie roll?"
"Perhaps under very specific circumstances?"
Clark bites his lip, trying not to smile and give away the game. Bruce does have pet names for him. They're just...saved for specific situations.
"Come on, beautiful, show me just how much you missed me."
"Just like that, sunshine."
"Mm, you're perfect, sweetheart."
"Wait a second, darling, just let me catch me breath first!"
"Why don't you tell me exactly what you want, angel?"
"Um, he calls me boy scout sometimes," Clark says when he notices Diana and Barry looking at him expectantly.
"Boo, that's no fun, we all call you that."
"We shouldn't be surprised, Barry. Bruce is simply more private with his affection than Clark is," Diana says, and Clark coughs to hide his laugh.
She doesn't know how right she is.