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Guardian angels exist just like any other human being. They’re usually your friend, sometimes your best friend. They’re supposed to look after you and make sure your life goes according to what fate has planned out for you. But they’re also a shoulder to cry on, a voice of encouragement in darker times, as well as a welcoming ear to your eager stories, and a constant fixture at your joyous moments so you can run up to them and say ‘Did you see what I just did? Wasn’t that awesome?’, or ‘I can’t believe I finally graduated! Let’s get fucking wasted tonight!’, or ‘I think I’ve found the one. I want you to meet him soon’. Guardian angels are supposed to help move along someone’s life, they’re not supposed to be a huge deciding factor in it. A person’s life is not supposed to revolve around their guardian angel.
Kyungsoo is Chanyeol’s guardian angel and he is so in love with him. He feels a strong sense of possessiveness that guardian angels aren’t supposed to feel, he feels the ferocious pull of longing towards his human that is forbidden and should not have seeped so deep into his heart. The desire he has for Chanyeol feels so visceral, so innate that he truly believes he is created solely for the purpose of staying with Chanyeol, and to have Chanyeol stay with him in return.
He knows that the person Chanyeol is destined to be with in this lifetime, his fated, is called Jongdae, and he’s going to meet him tomorrow. Kyungsoo has known this for 26 years, but he’s been hiding in denial for as long as he has discovered his feelings for Chanyeol. And now, the thought of Chanyeol, his Chanyeol, meeting the love of his life tomorrow makes Kyungsoo sick to the stomach. He feels restless, lightheaded, desperate, in despair.
Next to him, Chanyeol leans over and gathers Kyungsoo into a brief hug. His breath smells of the fruity cocktail one of their friends had ordered for him on a whim, and he says into Kyungsoo’s ear “I’m so excited to start my new job tomorrow!” When he chuckles, his breath tickles Kyungsoo’s neck. Chanyeol buries himself into the crook of Kyungsoo’s neck as he laughs drunkenly at something someone at their table said. Kyungsoo’s chest tightens at the thought of how little time he has left to spend with this Chanyeol. This Chanyeol who is still completely his.
All the intimate touches Chanyeol shares with him will gradually fade away starting from tomorrow, as his attention will no doubt slowly be swallowed up by the love of his life. And as time passes, he will be nothing but a friend that Chanyeol occasionally sees during weekends, a friend he forgets to tell his promotion about because he was too busy celebrating it with his lover, a friend who he’ll reminisce about being so close to at his younger years, but drifted from as he got more involved with his family life.
Kyungsoo feels dizzy, feels like he can’t breathe. When Chanyeol excuses himself to go to the bathroom, Kyungsoo excuses himself as well a moment later because even just a minute without Chanyeol next to him suddenly feels too much. He steps into the bathroom and Chanyeol is just drying his hands. He gives him a brilliant smile and Kyungsoo thinks you’re still mine, you’re still mine, you’re still mine. He’s lost all control of his body when he pushes Chanyeol up against the wall and gives him a bruising kiss. He’s lost his mind, he’s not supposed to do this, he is Chanyeol’s guardian angel, he’s going to be punished for this, but Kyungsoo doesn’t give a fuck.
By some miracle, Chanyeol’s hands come up to rest against his hips and he kisses him back. Kyungsoo doesn’t know what this means, he just knows that Chanyeol was supposed to push him away. Humans don’t develop feelings for their guardian angels. Chanyeol is not supposed to reciprocate his misplaced love. But Kyungsoo’s too scared, too hopeful, too desperate to care.
“Don’t fall in love with him,” He says into Chanyeol’s mouth in between kisses.
“Fall in love with who? There’s no one else,” Kyungsoo can tell by Chanyeol’s tone that he’s trying to be reassuring, but Chanyeol doesn’t know. He doesn’t know Kyungsoo is about to lose him forever, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it from happening.
“Just don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. Please, please,” Kyungsoo chants his plea like a mantra. He knows he’s on the verge of tears, the alcohol a fuel to his already fragile emotions. So he hides his face in Chanyeol’s shoulders, clutching onto him for dear life.
“No, Kyungsoo. Of course not,” Chanyeol is clearly alarmed by Kyungsoo’s reactions, but holds him tighter all the same. “I’ll never leave you.”
-
The next day, Kyungsoo sees Chanyeol off to work with abject trepidation. He wants to tell Chanyeol to not go to work, to quit his job, but he knows he’ll sound crazy, and he’s already done enough things that he shouldn’t have done. Even though Chanyeol for some reason reciprocates his feelings at this very moment, fate will never change. In the end, Chanyeol will be with someone else.
That night, Kyungsoo waits for Chanyeol to come home to their shared apartment. He spent the day preparing himself for the inevitable. Prepared himself for when Chanyeol comes back and tells him about his first day at work, tells him about this really nice guy called Jongdae that he became fast friends with. He tells himself that he should be happy with what he had last night, that he should be grateful for what little of Chanyeol he was able to keep for himself.
When Chanyeol does come back, he runs towards Kyungsoo like he’s the one who’s been waiting all day at home for his love to return. Kyungsoo tries to stop him when Chanyeol kisses him for the third time and asks “How was your first day?”
Chanyeol’s smile brightens and he tells Kyungsoo all about how amazing his new office is, how accommodating his supervisor is, and how nice and friendly his colleagues are. Kyungsoo bites his tongue and waits for him to finish before he asks “Did you meet anyone…particularly nice?” He doesn’t really know how to ask this, but he needs to know.
Chanyeol looks at him funny, then cracks a big smile. “Jealous already?” He pounces on to Kyungsoo for a crushing hug, and mumbles against his temple “Don’t worry, no one is nearly as amazing as you are.”
He doesn’t sound like he’s lying, he sounds like he believes every single word he said. Kyungsoo smiles and slaps his shoulder, telling him of course he’s not jealous. He won’t allow himself to feel relieved.
But Chanyeol really doesn’t fall in love with Jongdae. He doesn’t fall in love with him on the first day, nor the second day, nor after the first month, the second, the third. Kyungsoo is very confused, but he doesn’t say anything more about the topic, afraid that it might break the magic.
One day, he opens his files on Chanyeol and his heart stops as the words ‘Kim Jongdae’ change into ‘Do Kyungsoo’ right before his eyes.
Almost as soon as it happens, he gets called in to appear in front of the archangels. He can feel himself being pulled out of the human realm. He should feel panic, feel the ice-cold dread, but all he can think of is how Chanyeol is in the kitchen cooking them dinner and how he’s going to miss it, how Chanyeol would pout and frown when he couldn’t find Kyungsoo in his room.
They’re furious at him, saying how this never happens and how Kyungsoo has completely failed his mission, the sole purpose of his creation of being a guardian angel. The only way to right his wrong is to erase Chanyeol’s memories of him in this lifetime and let fate take its course again. Kyungsoo wants to scream, to beg, anything to keep the memories of him inside Chanyeol’s mind, to keep the evidence of them alive. But he knows it’s futile. He should have seen this coming, he’s been so caught up in the blissfulness of being with Chanyeol that he hadn’t let himself stop for a second to think about the consequences of that happiness. He bites his lips and lowers his head, not daring to show them exactly how much having Chanyeol means to him, for fear that it will only lead to a worse punishment.
He didn’t even get to say goodbye.
As he softly sobs in front of the other angels, he wishes Chanyeol had fallen in love with Jongdae after all. He would rather take the sadness in Chanyeol’s eyes as he tells Kyungsoo he has fallen for someone else, take the gut-wrenching heartbreak and broken friendship, than to have nothing at all.
Kyungsoo’s punishment is that, for the rest of his existence, he’ll only ever be able to meet Chanyeol after he’s met the love of his life, condemned to seeing the person he loves be in love with someone else over and over again. Kyungsoo, for a brief optimistic second, thinks at least he’s still allowed to be Chanyeol’s guardian angel.
He comes back to earth and Chanyeol doesn’t remember him anymore. Chanyeol lives alone and hasn’t had a best friend since he left primary school. He constantly looks down at a spot next to him whenever he wants to say something, and then seems confused as to why he did so at all. He walks around as if he’s lost in a crowd of strangers, his smile is dimmer and he doesn’t talk as much.
Kyungsoo sees all of this and can’t do anything about it. He does his job and protects Chanyeol from afar. He looks at Chanyeol look at Jongdae as if he can’t believe he didn’t fall in love with him at first sight. He stands in the sidelines as Chanyeol asks Jongdae out on a first date, a second, third, twentieth, fiftieth date. Two months after Jongdae asks Chanyeol to move in with him, Chanyeol meets Kyungsoo at an office party.
Kyungsoo is sitting alone at a table off to the side, pretending not to notice Chanyeol walking his way and sitting down next to him. Jongdae is on an overseas trip, so Chanyeol is scouting everywhere for potentially scintillating company. Chanyeol initiates the conversation as he always did with Kyungsoo. They exchange pleasantries, and Kyungsoo is less awkward with him than he is with anyone else, but Chanyeol doesn’t know that. Their conversation quickly goes down the exact direction Kyungsoo knew it would go, which is everywhere and nowhere. He’s had years of experience in having both pointless and meaningful conversations with Chanyeol, so he isn’t even surprised when Chanyeol turns to look at him, really look at him, with a sort of disbelieving expression and says “I know this is weird, but talking to you is so easy,” He tips his wine glass around along its base and smiles as if he’s embarrassed about the confession. “It’s like I’ve known you for forever.”
Kyungsoo doesn’t look at him and lets himself say “I feel the same.”
Everything goes just as Kyungsoo had predicted on the night he kissed Chanyeol. They aren’t as good friends as they were before Chanyeol lost his memories. This Chanyeol spends most of his time with Jongdae and their mutual friends from the office. This Chanyeol is eager to maintain a friendship with Kyungsoo, but can only spare several hours to do so each month. Kyungsoo is no less in love with him than the Chanyeol he used to have. He smiles just as bright for Kyungsoo and hugs him just as tight, tells him that he treasures their friendship with the same genuine expression but says it with less frequency. Kyungsoo looks into his eyes and doesn’t see the familiarity that comes with being with the same person for years and years, but the warmth is still there, and so is Chanyeol.
When Kyungsoo is finally introduced to Jongdae, he is as nice as Kyungsoo knew he would be. That man exudes kindness but is still playful enough to keep up with Chanyeol’s antics. Kyungsoo likes him as a person, but he absolutely hates that he is the one who has the right to love Chanyeol with all his heart, even though Kyungsoo swears he doesn’t love Chanyeol any less than he does.
-
This goes on for so many lifetimes that Kyungsoo has almost lost count. He thought it might hurt less the more times he’s forced to experience it, that he’d grow to become numb to it, but it doesn’t. Each time hurts like a fresh wound. Each time is just as heartbreaking as that first time, when Chanyeol went back to work the day after he lost all his memories of Kyungsoo. Jongdae had invited him out for lunch to cheer him up because he had looked so distraught. Kyungsoo knew that Chanyeol didn’t understand why he was feeling so down, but that didn’t stop his face from lighting up at Jongdae’s invitation, nor his laughs and smiles as Jongdae joked about their co-workers. Jongdae had looked like the sun to Chanyeol from that day onwards, and Kyungsoo will never forget how it felt, knowing someone who used to be yours had finally become someone else’s.
Kyungsoo has seen Chanyeol fall in love with Baekhyun’s laugh, with Minseok’s quiet strength, with Junmyun’s perseverance, with Luhan’s boyish charm, with Sehun’s childishness, with Jongin’s shyness, with Yifan’s gentle cool, with Yixing’s tenderness.
In his weaker moments, Kyungsoo has thought about requesting a different human subject. Surely, he’s been punished enough? The other angels probably don’t even comprehend the grief he feels whenever he looks at the love that he once stupidly took in his hands and then lost forever and ever. They can’t possibly understand the bereavement of watching someone you love slowly fall deeper and deeper in love with someone else, over and over and over again. Or the absolute worse, when that someone looks you in the eyes and they look like they might love you back when they actually don’t.
In some rare moments when it’s just the two of them, Chanyeol sometimes looks at him in a way that makes Kyungsoo think that maybe Chanyeol still feels the same way about him. In those moments, Kyungsoo allows himself the frail hope that perhaps the first lifetime hadn’t been a glitch, that maybe Chanyeol really did love him back. But Chanyeol would always inevitably look away and go back to the person he’s fated to. Kyungsoo doesn’t dare open his files and look at Chanyeol’s fated’s name, in case the words inked on the pages are still as black and solid as the despair Kyungsoo keeps tucked behind his heart.
Kyungsoo never requests a transfer, because he knows if he does and his request is granted, he will never be able to see Chanyeol again. And a part of him thinks, hopes that Chanyeol still needs him, even if only as a friend. Chanyeol always drifts back to him, always ends up being his good friend, no matter what circumstances he first meets Kyungsoo under, no matter what age he is, no matter how established his relationship is with his fated in that lifetime. He would never leave Chanyeol, just like Chanyeol had promised he would never leave him a long time ago.
-
In this lifetime, Chanyeol’s fated is called Zitao and he’s supposed to meet him on his third year of university. Chanyeol has just entered university this year and Kyungsoo has enrolled himself to read the same subject as he does because he’s a masochist, and also because it makes keeping an eye on Chanyeol easier, while giving himself something to occupy his time with.
It’s past midnight on a Thursday and Chanyeol is slaving away in the library by himself, trying to finish his coursework that’s due in tomorrow. Kyungsoo sits in the far corner of the study space. There’s not many people left in the library at this time of the night, but Chanyeol is sitting four tables away with his back facing Kyungsoo, so he thinks this distance is acceptable.
“We’re on the same course, aren’t we? Kyungsoo, right?”
Kyungsoo freezes as a shadow falls over his laptop. His heart starts beating extremely fast as he slowly looks up to find Chanyeol leaning over the other side of his desk.
“Want to go grab coffee at the convenient store with me?” Chanyeol looks down at him with that bright smile of his and Kyungsoo’s breath is caught in his throat.
What is happening? Chanyeol shouldn’t be talking to him, it’s too soon. For a disorientating moment, Kyungsoo thinks he might have been so out of it that two years have passed by without him noticing.
“You’re working on tomorrow’s coursework too, right?” Chanyeol rounds the table to stand next to Kyungsoo. “We’re both going to need some caffeine to get through tonight,” He lightly grabs Kyungsoo’s arm to pull him up. “Come on, come on.”
Kyungsoo is too astonished and confused to pull away as Chanyeol drags him out of his seat and out of the library.
“I’m going with you already, get off me,” Kyungsoo shrugs Chanyeol’s hand off. Chanyeol only laughs at him and starts telling him about what he has chosen to write for his coursework and how it’s totally going to impress the pants off their professor.
Kyungsoo tries to keep up with the conversation, and he thinks he’s marginally succeeding, but all he is really thinking about is how Chanyeol hasn’t met his fated yet. Well, he shouldn’t have already met his fated. Maybe Kyungsoo somehow lost tabs on Chanyeol and he met Zitao just recently?
Kyungsoo’s mind keeps coming up with all the possible reasons and loopholes that might have allowed Chanyeol to speak to him now. Did Zitao die? Did his guardian angel mess with his fate, and Chanyeol is the one getting his name erased from someone else’s file?
“You’re doing it again,” Chanyeol says out of the blue as they walk back to the library, both with a steaming cup of coffee in hand.
“What?”
“I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice,” Chanyeol smiles mischievously at him.
The hand Kyungsoo has got clutching onto his coffee cup is trembling. Looking is all I’ve got left flashes across his mind. He wants to say I held out my hand and touched once, and look where that got me. Kyungsoo keeps his mouth shut because nothing he wants to say in that moment would make any sense to Chanyeol.
Mistaking Kyungsoo’s initial fluster and silence as something else, Chanyeol jerks his chin towards him and smirks suggestively. “Do you like me or something?”
What is happening? Chanyeol has never been this bold in his first conversations with Kyungsoo. Their first conversations are always relatively mild, and they have never ever ventured into the topic of liking each other. Kyungsoo has been by Chanyeol’s side for nine lifetimes already, and they have never spoken about anything that could even hint at them being together. Kyungsoo had sometimes thought that the obvious lack thereof was because Chanyeol was actively avoiding it, because it felt too real for Chanyeol to joke about. But Kyungsoo has always known he was just deluding himself with false hope. Right?
Kyungsoo is treading on eggshells here, but he has to make sure of one thing first and foremost. Heart still pounding rapidly in his chest, he licks his lips and stares straight ahead. “Does your boyfriend know you flirt with other guys like this?”
“I don’t have a boyfriend.”
How can this be possible? Did he misread something on Chanyeol’s file?
“Gir-girlfriend?”
“Nope. None of that either,” Chanyeol sips at his coffee, hiding his smile behind his paper cup.
“Have you met someone you like recently?”
Chanyeol finally laughs at this. “That desperate to check whether I’m available, huh?” He bites his lip and looks away shyly when Kyungsoo doesn’t respond. “No, you’re the only one I’ve got my eyes on.”
Something is wrong. Kyungsoo can’t do this. He can’t repeat his mistake of intervening with Chanyeol’s life. If he does, something worse might happen to them. He might not be allowed to be Chanyeol’s guardian angel anymore. They might take away Kyungsoo’s memory of Chanyeol.
Kyungsoo pales at that thought. He needs to report this immediately.
“Hey, are you alright? You don’t look so good.” Chanyeol’s hand is warm on his shoulder. Kyungsoo shrugs it off as if he’s been burnt.
“Sorry, I really need to go.”
Kyungsoo runs until he’s sure he is out of Chanyeol’s sight and transports himself in front of the archangels.
No one seems to be paying him any mind, and he is at a loss as to how he should even begin to articulate his problem. One of the kinder archangels notices Kyungsoo and stops to ask for the purpose of his visit. Kyungsoo relays the bewildering incident with clear emphasis on his minimal involvement. He can’t take another punishment again. He’s practically got nothing left to give.
The archangel listens to him in silence, and when Kyungsoo’s done, he looks at Kyungsoo with an unreadable expression and says cryptically “Have you ever looked at Chanyeol’s fateds’ names after you meet him?”
Kyungsoo is caught off-guard by the unexpected question, and is then too embarrassed to admit he only ever checks the name once, when he first reads through Chanyeol’s file.
“If you had,” the archangel continues, taking Kyungsoo’s silence as a response, “then you would have noticed that his fated’s name always fades after he meets you. Sometimes it starts fading after a few months, sometimes it takes a year, sometimes it takes three or four years. The name never completely changes, but it always fades.”
He gasps, relief and joy crashes through Kyungsoo so violently, that there was no way he could have stopped the smile from spreading across his face. Has he not been deluding himself all these years? Does this mean the first lifetime wasn’t a glitch?
“This means Chanyeol has never lived a life where he’s been completely in love with his fated throughout his lifetime, which completely defeats the purpose of having a fated in the first place. So we’ve decided that something needs to change.”
Kyungsoo’s smile slips off his face immediately. Change can mean many things.
“The obvious answer is to remove you from Chanyeol’s life and assign you to another human–”
“No!” Kyungsoo blurts out. “Please don’t. Anything but that, I’ll do anything. Please.”
The archangel covers Kyungsoo’s shaking hand clutching onto his arm with his own, gentle and reassuring. “But, some of us thought that maybe the fading of all of Chanyeol’s fateds’ names means that fate isn’t sure about its choices for Chanyeol either. Not to mention, it is highly unusual for a person’s fated to change from lifetime to lifetime like Chanyeol’s did,” He takes Kyungsoo’s slowly loosening hand in his and smiles. “We thought maybe the answer lies in the faded words, and their common denominator, you.”
He explains that it is possible that there was a mix up when Kyungsoo’s soul was created, that maybe he was supposed to be a human who’s fated to Chanyeol, but was accidentally made to be his guardian angel instead. The archangels have agreed to test out this theory by making Kyungsoo an exception to the rules just this once. They’ve taken Zitao’s name off Chanyeol’s file, leaving the space blank. If Chanyeol still chooses Kyungsoo in this lifetime, then he will be allowed to be with Chanyeol. And since angels can’t be turned into humans, Kyungsoo can remain as his guardian angel and become his lover if Chanyeol so chooses.
-
The next day, Kyungsoo is still reeling from the revelation. He nearly jumps out of his skin when Chanyeol stops him outside the lecture hall after class.
“Hey,” Chanyeol stands awkwardly in front of him, holding out Kyungsoo’s rucksack. “You left this and your laptop in the library last night, so I picked them up for you.”
Kyungsoo slowly takes the bag from Chanyeol’s hand and mutters his thanks, embarrassed. He was in such a hurry to report everything to the archangels last night that he had left everything behind, and when he returned, too many thoughts were going through his mind for him to remember to collect his things. He must have looked like right madman to Chanyeol.
“I, uh,” Chanyeol looks uncomfortable as he slips his hands into his jeans pockets. “Sorry about yesterday. I’m usually not that forward, I must have really freaked you out. I just,” he looks down at his feet, “I just thought I really had a chance because you’re always looking at me. But I guess I was just–“ he catches himself with a sad look in his eyes. “Never mind, I’m sorry,” He turns to leave, but Kyungsoo catches him by his arm and pulls him back.
Chanyeol’s skin feels hot under Kyungsoo’s touch. Kyungsoo wants to pull him in closer. “If you’re really that sorry,” he smiles because he can’t believe this is actually happening, “then how about you buy me dinner to make up for it?” He lets go of Chanyeol’s arm and looks up at him.
Chanyeol’s face breaks into a surprised grin and he laughs, his hand coming up to cover his mouth. Kyungsoo laughs with him, and feels overwhelmed with the realization that he’s finally allowed to make Chanyeol smile and laugh just like that for many many more years.
Chanyeol scratches the back of his head, suddenly bashful. “Well, that was easy.”
Kyungsoo can only smile.
-
Six months after they started dating, Chanyeol asks “Are you insecure about our relationship?”
Kyungsoo puts down his book and looks at Chanyeol curiously. “On the contrary, I’m very confident in our relationship.”
Chanyeol seems unconvinced. He picks up a pillow lying next to Kyungsoo and hugs it close to his chest.
“Then why do you always act like you can’t believe I’m here with you? I don’t want to sound arrogant, but do you feel like you’re not good enough for me or something? Because that’s not true, no one is nearly as amazing as you are.”
Kyungsoo’s breath stutters. He pushes his book away and crawls across the small space between them, settling on Chanyeol’s lap. It’s like déjà vu, except he remembers this dream as clearly as if it happened just yesterday. He looks into Chanyeol’s eyes and doesn’t see the familiarity, but he sees something else that he used to see alongside that sense of familiarity. He leans down and captures Chanyeol’s lips in a gentle kiss, sliding his fingers through his soft hair. He holds onto Chanyeol and doesn’t want to let go.
“You’re doing it again!” Chanyeol breaks away from the kiss and whines.
“Does it make you feel uncomfortable, that I’m like this?” Kyungsoo leans back. He understands that his actions must seem very odd to Chanyeol, who’s only gotten to know Kyungsoo for eight months, and have dated him for even less.
Chanyeol tips his head to the side, processing Kyungsoo’s question. “Not really. It makes me worry that there might be something bothering you, but it also makes me feel kind of special. I don’t know,” He looks away and laughs softly. “I’m kind of vain. I’m sorry.”
Kyungsoo shakes his head. “A lot of things happened to me, before I met you,” All those years spent beside a Chanyeol who he could not reach out for. Kyungsoo finds that he can’t bring himself to regret a single one of those years, if they were what brought Chanyeol back to him. “I’ve waited many years for something like this.”
Chanyeol's eyes widen in curiosity and he gives him a cheeky smile. “What? Like all 20 years of your life?”
Kyungsoo leans forward to place a chaste kiss on his forehead. “Something like that.”
-
Kyungsoo’s name appears in Chanyeol’s file a year later and never fades, not even after he dies and Kyungsoo is allowed to do this all over again.
Guardian angels exist just like any other human being. They’re usually your friend, maybe even your best friend. But sometimes, if you’re very special, they are also the love of your life.