Chapter Text
When she meets Kara she starts to feel something she hadn’t felt in a long time, happiness. The more they hang out the more consistent the emotion gets. Kara’s smile is so contagious that just thinking of her brings a smile to her face. And she relies on it. She’ll be in a board meeting wanting to murder a misogynistic board member and she will think of Kara and find her body relaxing. She falls into this false sense of security and starts to question if she truly needs to be on her meds.
Her alarm goes off one day as a reminder to take her meds and she’s hanging out with Kara. Kara who is smiling so brightly that Lena can’t help but smile in return that her cheeks hurt. She feels this warmth fully encompassing and decides to delete her alarm. She decides she no longer needs her meds.
Lena is a very intelligent and educated woman. She has two doctorates and knows that she should be consulting with her doctor before weaning off her meds. But she is also a Luthor, stubborn and prideful. She tells herself that she is okay and that side effects (withdrawal) are highly likely. It takes a few days for her to notice a change.
At first it’s just her sleep schedule. While usually she was falling asleep by 11 PM the latest, lately she’s up until 2 AM and up by 5 AM. She’s only getting 3 hours of sleep but she’s getting more work done so she channels that energy into productivity.
Then her anxiety starts picking up. Although she tends to present a calm demeanor her anxiety is fairly high throughout the day, something she blames on the constant attempts on her life. Yet breathing exercises were always helpful in grounding her but lately it doesn’t help.
It takes a few more days for Sam to notice and inquire.
“Are you sleeping well?” Her best friend questions gently.
Lena knows better than to lie to Sam. Sam who has been her best friend for so long and can smell her bullshit from a mile away. She looks up from the contracts she’s been reviewing at her desk. The look of concern on Sam’s face sends her stomach into knots and she feels guilty for making her friend worry. She can’t outright lie but at least she can ease Sam’s mind with some excuses.
“No. Lilian’s in town, the investors in Japan want to see the prototypes by the end of the month and the board, well they are always a pain in the ass.” Lena ends with a sigh.
Sam nods but the look of concern does not ease from her face.
“You’ve seemed very jittery these last few days.” She observes.
Lena lifts her mug, “Fourth cup of caffeine and it’s barely 10 AM. I know I need to cut down.”
Sam nods but Lena can see that she still doesn’t believe her. There's a tense moment of silence where Lena avoids looking at Sam by shuffling some papers on her desk and she feels like she is about to throw up.
“Are you still taking your medications?” Sam's voice is steady and clear, no beating around the bush.
Lena falters for a second and the quick flash of emotion on Sam’s face tells her she caught it.
Lena looks up, meeting Sam's worried gaze. “I am Sam. Please don’t worry about me. I just saw my doctor last week.”
Sam nods meekly with pursed lips. “You’re my best friend Lena, I’m always going to worry. I would go to you for help and I hope you would do the same.”
Lena nods feeling the coils in her stomach tighten. With one last look Sam walks out and Lena hates herself for making her friend worry. She’s fine.
It takes a few more days to disrupt her routine. Previously she was leaving work by 8 PM the latest and now she’s staying until 1 AM. On a good night she leaves for her apartment and when she doesn’t she stays in her office.
Kara catches on a few days after Sam that something is off but without knowing her history can’t really place what is going on.
“Is everything alright Lena?” Kara’s brows are scrunched up as she tries to read Lena.
Through Kara's glasses Lena can see the worry deep in her eyes.
Lena puts her salad down, thankful that she doesn’t have to force herself to eat it anymore. Her appetite has diminished drastically in the last few days. She feels like shit for making another friend worry.
“I’m okay Kara, work has been stressful. I’m sorry for not being present.” She says with a sigh.
“You don’t have to apologize, Lena. I just want to support you in any way I can.” Kara says sincerely. She reaches out and grabs Lena’s hand.
Lena feels a warmth surge from her hand up her arm. She squeezes Kara’s hand back and forces a smile.
“Thank you Kara.”
She pushes down tears, the minimal physical contact is making her emotional.
That weekend she spends it in bed. She replies to Kara and Sam’s texts lying that she is busy but she doesn’t have the energy to even make herself a cup of coffee. By Monday she forces herself out of bed and into the office. She still refuses to admit that this could be due to the medications. But she knows it is. She lies to herself saying that she doesn’t need them. She can adapt and soon her energy and appetite will return and her sleep schedule will even out.
But those are lies. She thinks a lot about not existing, about dying. She thinks about taking control and killing herself before her brother or her mother beat her to the punch. She thinks of no longer having to find non-existent energy to get up and fight every single fucking day. She thinks of no longer having to carry the weight of the world and the Luthor name on her shoulders. She thinks of her friends who would be devastated but eventually they would be okay.
She makes her way to work an hour late on Monday.
Jess greets her with a worried look and hands her a cup of coffee. Lena barely manages to force a smile as she thanks her. She makes her way into her office with a sigh.
“I spoke with your doctor."
Lena jumps but manages not to spill her coffee. Her heart is beating loudly as she stares at Sam who stands from the white couch in her office.
"Do you want to have the conversation here or at your apartment?” She can tell that Sam is upset and wants to scream at her but is holding back.
Lena’s body feels cold as she looks at the floor, no longer able to look her friend in the eyes. Her shoulders slump in defeat.
“I have work.” Lena mumbles. If Lilian saw her right now she’d probably slap her and tell her to start acting like a Luthor but she just doesn’t have the energy to put on an act.
Sam's stare doesn’t waver as she walks towards Lena's desk and picks up the desk phone. “Jess, cancel Lena’s schedule for the rest of the week and ask Rob to have the car ready for Lena and I. Thank you.”
“Sam-”Lena looks up to protest.
“Don’t.” Sam cuts her off. She grabs her bag and makes her way towards Lena. Lena is exhausted and though she knows that Sam would never hurt her she is unable to hide the flinch when Sam nears her. Sam halts at the reaction and takes a deep breath. With a gentle movement she grabs Lena by the arm.
“We’re going to your apartment, we’re going to talk and then make a plan to get you back on track Lena. I love you and I would never hurt you.”
Lena nods, she fights the tears that are threatening to spill and is unable to look up and let Sam see her like this. She lets Sam guide her towards her private elevator and her car. They ride in silence with Lena’s forehead pressed against the cool window. She’s vaguely aware of Sam's gaze on her and the warm and reassuring hand clutching her own.
The walk to her apartment feels eternal and too short at the same time. All she wants to do is curl up in her bed and pretend the world doesn't exist. Sam, receptive as always to her state, guides her to her room and brings her a set of comfort clothes, sweats and a hoodie. Lena is slow and sluggish as she changes in front of Sam. It's only after she's done that she notices that her clothes fit a bit more loose than usual.
She wonders if some looked, if Sam noticed that she's probably lost some weight. She doesn't put it past Sam who has always been observant. She lays down snuggling into the covers, an attempt to hide herself and avoid everything to come.
Sam sits on the edge of the bed releasing a deep sigh causing Lena’s chest to tighten.
“You hate me.” Lena murmurs as she squeezes her eyes shut.
Sam sighs deeply again. “No Lena. If I hated you I wouldn’t be here. I’m upset that you lied to me. And I am sad and worried at seeing you in this state again." She pauses, giving Lena a moment to speak.
When Lena doesn't respond, Sam continues, "Why didn’t you tell me?”
Lena shrugs. She’s unsure if Sam can see it from her bundled form.
“I called Dr. Olsen. She's willing to come over tomorrow. She recommended you start taking your medication again.”
Lena remains silent. She doesn't want to do that again. But she doesn't have the energy to fight nor the argument.
“Where are they?”
Lena tenses, she doesn't respond immediately. “I don't have them anymore.” She finally mutters as she squeezes her eyes shut.
“You're lying to me again.” Sam asserts.
Lena sighs knowing she can’t keep on lying. “I put them all in one container behind the mirror.” She trembles as she admits it. She knows Sam is smart. She knows Sam will read through her intentions.
“You didn't throw them away but you mixed them all?” Sam frowns and then her breath hitches as realization dawns on her.
Lena feels guilty. She squeezes her eyes shut tighter but it does nothing to stop the tears. She doesn't want to see the hurt on Sam's face. She just wants to disappear.
The moment of silence that follows feels eternal.
“Were you-” Sam's breath hitches and she hesitates as if afraid of asking the question, “are you planning on killing yourself?”
Lena stays quiet not wanting to answer honestly and knowing that Sam will catch her if she lies. The tears continue to flow and she can’t look at Sam’s eyes. Can’t look at the sadness, disappointment and the fear.
Sam takes a deep breath, the lack of response is enough of an answer to her.
“Rest,” Sam's voice sounds small and Lena feels a hand pat her legs above the covers, “I'm going to cook you some breakfast and order your medications.”
She doesn't respond again but she hears Sam walk towards her bathroom and open up the medicine cabinet and other drawers for the next few minutes.
Lena falls into a state of half asleep, not fully present but unable to dream. Only small noises of pots being moved infiltrate her subconscious.
She wakes hours later with the sun setting. Shadows paint her walls and Lena feels more lost then when she went to sleep.
By the time she checks her phone, Lena has 5 missed calls and 13 messages from Kara. She knows she loves Kara but at the moment she can’t feel it. She can't feel much lately. She doesn’t have the energy to reply and she knows she should at least let her friend know that she is okay. It makes her feel like a shitty friend and yet she still can bring herself to do something about it. She grabs her blankets and wraps them tighter.
It's about half an hour later when she hears the loud knocking on her apartment door.
“Lena!” She hears Kara shout.
Lena is grateful to have Sam in this moment so that she doesn’t have to answer the door. She doesn't have the strength to get up but she's attentive to the conversation at the door.
“Kara.” She hears Sam greet the reporter.
“Sam, where's Lena?”
“She's not feeling well right now.”
“Can I see her?” The worry is evident in Kara's tone.
There is a moment of silence where Sam hesitates to answer and Lena waits with a baited breath worried that she's going to let Kara in. “I don't think now is a good time.”
Lena breaths in relief.
“Is she okay?” Kara's voice sounds small, hesitant.
Another pause for Sam. “She's not feeling well at the moment but I'm helping her.”
“Did,” Kara hesitates, “did I do something wrong?”
Lena feels her chest tighten. Here she goes and hurts another person she loves.
“No Kara.” Sam sighs. “Lena’s health is not the best at the moment.”
This time the pause comes from Kara. “Can you let her know I miss her and that I hope she feels better.”
There's silence and the door closes. Lena assumes Sam nodded and Kara left. She hears the light footsteps of Sam nearing her room.
“Kara was here.”
Lena nods, eyes closed tightly, she doesn't trust herself to look at Sam and not break down again.
“Send her a text. It will make you both feel better.”
Lena can't help feeling like a burden. She wants to be alone even though she knows Sam won't leave her at this moment. She knows it's been a couple of hours since they arrived.
“Ruby needs you.” She mutters hoping it will work and send Sam away.
“She's fine, she's staying with a friend.” Sam pauses but when Lena doesn't respond she continues. “She also needs her aunt Lena to be well”
“If I promise to not kill myself will you go spend the night with her.” Lena mumbles.
“That's not funny Lena.” There is an edge to Sam’s voice that lets Lena know it's probably too soon to joke about it.
"Sorry."
"Okay sit up at least 10 spoonfuls you can do it yourself or I can feed you and make airplane noises."
Lena huffs and sits up, her body feels drained but she knows that if she doesn't eat Sam will force feed her.
Her throat feels dry and it's a struggle to swallow. She knows the food is delicious, Sam is nothing short of an amazing cook yet she can't bring herself to enjoy eating. 10 spoonfuls later Sam takes the dishes and returns with a glass of water and her meds.
Lena takes them under Sam's watchful eye and when she hands Sam the glass of water she uses her other hand to grab Sam’s hand. The warmth that radiates from Sam’s soft skin brings peace to Lena. It feels like a sliver of hope.
"I," Lena hesitates, saying the L word has always been difficult for her. "Thank you."
Sam smiles through watery eyes and Lena glances away for fear of getting tearful again.
"You're my best friend Lena, well you're probably my only friend but I'm glad you're here." She squeezes Lena's hand. "I am so thankful to have you in my life however that may be."
Lena's eyebrows scrunch in confusion wondering what Sam meant by that. Sam shakes her head and smiles at Lena before standing up.
"Goodnight Lena."
Lena watches as Sam walks away, something in her chest yearns to ask the woman to stay but instead she frowns as she lays down again hoping that can sleep fitfully, not exist for a couple of hours.