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Tony Stark was a man of many– many great things.
At least…there was little to say otherwise.
He was an engineering teenage prodigy at the turn of the century, graduated top of his class, a shark of a businessman, helped create the foundation that kickstarted the biggest tech boom of mid 2000s America, and made a hobby out of tea-bagging on tech-bros in his spare time. All while saving the world in between lunch breaks.
Tony Stark bounced uncomfortably between the abyss of death and changing the course of history one Avengers Assemble at a time like it was hacky-sack. He endured the clutch of insufferably long meetings, legit torture, betrayal and theft . He even managed to bounce back from nearly falling off a proverbial deep end of a whiskey bottle. Hell, if he remembered correctly–he single handedly saved Earth twice .
He was Tony Stark. He was Iron Man. He was one of the founding members of the Avengers, dammit . With all that under his belt you’d think Tony Stark was a prime example of the man who could do it all.
You’d be fucking wrong.
“I just don’t get why you can’t leave the sample back at SHIELD.”
“ Steve ,” Tony groaned.
At this point it was almost comical the level of irony of the situation. It’s sad Tony didn’t find shit funny at the moment.
Steve stood across from Tony and Bruce, rereading the tablet Banner had handed right to him. Tony suppressed a sneer to Bruce, the fucking traitor.
Fine. See if he makes Banner those adjustable briefs now.
Steve stood solemnly as he shook his head at the screen.
Tony scoffed, it was just a report of the injured or deceased, and transcripts of the last few things the bad guys said before they left…and maybe it was also a scan analysis of gunpowder remnants left in the rubble that JARVIS scanned into their systems. And maybe it was also a brief summarization of all the captured fuckers SHEILD was currently holding.
But that was nothing!
Tony made a mental note to update their forensic systems to optimal capacity. Having to sift through all the information from a tablet was inconvenient to the nth degree. Maybe he could fit JARVIS with his own scanner just for genetic matter. Why he hadn't added one already was beyond him, but better late than never–.
He blinked from musings with Steve clearing his throat. Tony jumped a bit, but didn’t back down from Steve’s disapproving look.
Steve rolled his eyes a bit but continued, “Why do you have this? You had SHIELD recode their systems from the ground up.”
Tony shrugged, “Yeah, well sometimes it doesn’t hurt to double check.”
Steve squinted at Tony, as if he was straining to see right through him, “Double check? I remember you telling me how you didn’t want to waste your time–”
“Steve–”
“No, don’t change the subject.” It felt like the bombs falling from Steve’s mouth, “Why’re you doing something you specifically told me you didn’t want to do?”
Tony sighed and cracked his neck, he felt a twinge deep in his shoulders a hair's breadth away from snapping but he grit his teeth.
Tony was many things. None of them were stupid, contrary to popular belief, so he had no excuse really.
Tony knew, he knew, that fraternization was such a bad idea. But somehow, he keeps finding himself with his ass handed to him. Because this was not the first time, but it was the most tense time. Because he could see the floor falling out from under him. Because he could taste the bitter burn in the back of his throat telling him this was all going to hell.
Because he could see how this would spiral into chaos all over again. It happened with Rhodey, it happened with Pepper, and now it’s happening with Steve.
Separating work from pleasure wasn’t something Tony liked doing. But he knew how to do it.
He thought Steve could too.
But the funniest thing about love–fuck, love –was that it made you do stupid shit. And something about that made his chest hurt in a good way. And he wished it didn’t.
And maybe, a small selfish part of him wished they’d go back to their honeymoon phase. All rose-tinted and hazy. Loud, brash and damn easy. Easier than this. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. It was a fucking tablet! But that’s how it always started. A little bit of miscommunication and Tony doing shit behind somebody’s back– fuck , he’s predictable. Because it was always him wasn’t it? But it's always easier when you’re in your honeymoon phase.
Tony’s throat tighten, he felt his chest heave as he exhaled harshly and said, “Let’s try this again,”
He could practically feel Steve rolling his eyes but he ignored him, “Look, I know SHIELD has their systems up to date. I’m well aware of the protocols SHIELD execs negotiated for their little cronies. And I’m sure Fury gets his rocks off looking over my reports, seething because he knows I left some shit out. I want to have a better look at the file before I send it off. Is that a problem?”
God, just drop this. Please, I don't want to talk about this. Drop it for fuck’s sake.
“If you were just looking at them, sure,” Steve shrugged as he gestured over to Bruce hunched over the table. Various scattered papers and notes strewn atop it, Banner’s elbows crinkling the edges.
Steve continued, almost arrogant if not for a crease in his brow, “But if you're only looking at them, why are you running tests with Dr. Banner?”
Tony saw Bruce grimace and hang his head in something like shame.
Tony shook his head, “ Steve, leave him out of this. It’s fine if you don’t get it. I can-”
“It’s not about not getting it Tony! I asked a question, and you’re not answering me.”
Tony felt his face scrunch up in a scowl, “No Steve. I did answer you and I’m not changing my response just to make you feel better.”
Steve placed the tablet on the table with a thud. Bruce stifled a cough, head still bowed, shrinking in on himself like he’d rather fall through the floor.
Steve leveled Tony with a look. The same one that just so happened to come before every single one of his lectures. Arms crossed and hips jutted on the side of the table like a disappointed sports coach.
“Tony,” he started. “You know I wouldn’t have said anything unless it was serious.”
Tony rolled his eyes, “It’s not serious.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it’s not.”
“I don’t want to do this Tony.”
“Then don’t. No one’s forcing you.”
“I feel like you’re forcing me-”
“Oh, so my fault-”
“That’s not what I said Tony-”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You act like I don’t know what I’m doing. I understand that not everyone understands genius engineering shit like me or Bruce but-”
“I’m not stupid Tony-”
“I didn’t say you were.”
“Would you just fucking stop!”
Tony did fucking stop. Eyes wide staring at Steve’s reddened face as they both heaved breaths.
Steve had tears in his eyes, “Just– stop .”
Fuck, real nice Stark.
Quietly, Banner stepped out from behind them, making a show of checking his watch. “I think it’s well past lunch and I’m a little hungry. Been a few hours,” he turned to Tony, “I’ll be back later, alright?”
Tony nodded, as JARVIS allowed Bruce to leave.
The air was thick in Steve’s throat and Tony was sure anything else would be heaven right about now.
Steve loosened his shoulders as the door shut behind them, “I just– Jesus , Tony. Why are you so hung up on this anyway? You had Nat, Hill– Fury evaluate all the agents that transferred into the program. Do you think they’d lie to you?”
Tony pursed his lips and doesn’t respond. Squeezed his arms closer into his chest. The wall was a very interesting shade of silver.
Tony heard as Steve slowly made his way to him. Steps falling near silent on the floor.
Steve let his arms reach for Tony, and Tony felt like a magnet had been switched as he felt himself sway to the pull.
Tony almost wanted to laugh to keep the sob trapped at the back of his throat. He glanced up at Steve, still within arms length of the empty space calling him to fall into.
But Steve’s frown was drawn and he looked back like he could see through Tony as he said, “Tony, do you think we’d lie to you?”
Tony flinched and stepped out of his reach, “No-I. I don’t- I just. Fuck, Steve-I don’t know!”
Tony can’t help feeling like he’s being put on a precipice and Steve’s hand it’s outstretched begging him to step down.
“I get it ok. I work too much. You worry. It’s bad for the team. I get it. I heard you.” He turns away, trying to stop himself from managing a bit of the flow. But his shoulders are tense and he can’t unclench his fists; burrowed as they are next to his sides.
The horrible part of it is that he’s been on the cliff before.
He shuffles into the stool left still slightly warm from Bruce’s body.
Tony thinks it should be easier to walk away from something you’ve been able to do dozens of times before.
Steve’s frown persists despite the awkward and dejected way he’s standing in the middle of the floor. Tony felt like he should laugh at that, but his throat was too tight.
Steve stepped slowly, footfalls quiet even in the silent room, up to Tony, “Maybe…if you should stop doing it, you’d hear it a lot less.”
Tony’s eyes are wet but no tears fall not yet as he sits in front of the table piled and scattered with files, through watery lips he croaks, “I just–I can’t just stop Steve. It’s not something I can turn off.”
“I–”
“I’m serious!” Tony nearly screams, and now. Now he can’t stop.
“Don’t you think maybe it’s not just you ? That it’s not about me ? I know I come off as an egotistical maniac, and maybe I'm a little self-centered, but the last thing I’m worried about is me . I’m busy losing it over the next biggest hostile takeover bid where everyone I know and loves— dies .”
Steve’s sails have no wind and his ship is stuck in that sea while Tony kept storming on.
“So I’m always gonna be two steps, three steps, five steps ahead to make sure nothing bad happens. I fucking hate it sometimes, you know? Because you’re not the first to try and make me stop. Rhodey tried, hell Pepper almost managed it. But it’s always too much. Every time somethings goes right, another bomb blows up in my face. Every time I save someone, I’m a second too late to the next natural disaster! I don’t like thinking about all the times I’ve fucked up! So I do more than I should. And I still fuck up because I can’t do anything right without fucking up a few times. And you might hate it, but you have no idea how much I do.”
Tony gasped, he could feel the cold streak of tears stream down his face dripping into his mouth. His face must be so red and ugly.
Fuck.
He sniffed, “You know, I–I know that this isn’t healthy. I try to keep it under control so nobody gets hurt. I almost got you killed today because I wasn’t ready, so I’m trying to fix it–”
At that, Steve whispers almost in accusation, “ That’s what this is about?”
Tony wants to be mad, but he can’t find it in him so he just shrugs.
“God, Tony,” Steve closes the distance between them, pulling Tony up from his seat and enveloping him in his arms. Tony feels himself being pressed into Steve’s chest. He’s being held so tight that he thinks he might snap in half but he doesn’t want Steve to ever let go. He brings his arms up and winds them around Steve’s middle and burrows his face into his shirt.
“Tony,” Steve sighs into his hair.
Tony grunts, throat raw and thick still holding back tears.
“I’m sorry.”
And he sounds so heartfelt and actually sorry , god.
Tony scoffs as he hides his face in Steve’s shoulder, his tears soaking the shirt, “Don’t be–”
“No, I am. But…thank you for telling me.”
Tony pauses but Steve squeezes him a little tighter and runs his hand soothingly up his back. He shudders at the feeling and lets himself fall into the embrace. Steve takes his weight easily.
He reaches for one of Tony’s hands, lifting it gently as he presses his lips to his fingers. Tony’s fingernails have left a fine impression of themselves in his palm and Steve rubs at it with his thumb. Slowly back and forth.
After a while Steve turns and sits in the stool bringing Tony to stand between his legs. Both of his hands held by Steve, thumbs rubbing soothing circles into tense knuckles.
Tony just stares at Steve’s hands holding his, breathing shaky but evening out. Tony’s body sways, pulled by the comforting gravity that is Steve.
Steve finally says, so gently it’s almost a whisper, “Working yourself half to death isn’t going to fix it Tony. You gotta let some of us do the heavy lifting too. Fucking christ Tony, if I’d known–”
Tony chuckled despite himself, “Watch your fucking mouth Rodgers.”
Steve smiled as Tony swayed into his embrace again. Nestled in his arms, Tony felt a lot less frantic as he did trying to defend his point tightroping off the precipice. Now on solid ground, the drop looks more like a step.
Steve continued, his voice reassuring and steady, “Tony, you gotta know that I got your back. We all do. I know you can do practically everything yourself, but you don’t have to.”
Tony sniffed and shrugged. His hands coming up to hug Steve’s middle, “I had Bruce in here with me.”
Steve nodded, “Yeah, but he came in here to check on you 3 hours ago and never came back. That’s why I came up.”
Tony felt his face heat up with shame, “Oh.”
Steve pressed his lips to Tony’s knuckles and rubbed the center of his back, “How about we actually take a break and come on this fresh Monday.”
Tony balked, “Monday?! But that’s the whole weekend.”
Steve raised an eyebrow “Should I make you wait ‘til next Monday?”
Tony tried to frown but it came out as more of a pout and grumbled, “Monday’s fine.”