Work Text:
To Laura,
Hey, Laur. Is it weird hearing from me after 20 years? Actually, it's 20 years and 3 months. I remember because the last time I wrote you a letter was the day after new year's. I remember you telling me that you burned that letter in a phone call (it was one of the last times we spoke, so I remember it too). I wrote some awful things that I know you don't want to be reminded of. God, I wish I had never written that letter in the first place.
Remember that phone call? You told me you never wanted to see me again. And for the longest time, I believed you. It wasn't like you would go out of your way to avoid me, but I could see it in your eyes, every moment you would see me, that you wanted it to be over as soon as possible. I'd admit that it hurt. It hurt even more that no one ever noticed because you were too good at faking it. I wish I didn't know you well enough to notice.
Something changed when we did TMS together. You walked up to me and for the first time in a while, I saw how bright your eyes have always been, noticed how warm it feels when you look at me.
I'm not sure if you were doing it on purpose, but you were always looking over at me when the cameras were on somebody else. I talked to you in your dressing room and you smiled at me, and this time I knew it wasn't for show, because it was only between us. I don't want to assume anything, but does this mean that we can finally be okay?
I know I have a lot of nerve, asking you this.
Do you think we can ever be friends again? I don't think we can. And it's not that I don't want to be. I do. I do, so badly. But I don't think I can talk to you and not remember every part of you that I've touched, the parts of you that you never showed anyone else, the parts that I've seen over and over again that I can map them out in my mind until now. How can I sit across from you and not think about kissing you the whole time?
Were you and Bradley ever friends? I doubt it, considering how fast you two became involved. I imagine that she fell for you the moment you smiled at her. I would know. God, I would.
Does she remind you of me? I don't think so. But I wanted to ask. We can have glaring similarities if you think about it hard enough. That is, if you think about it at all. Do you even think about me? I already know the answer, but can you lie to me anyway?
Do you love her?
You're probably wondering why I've sent this to you. The past few weeks have been hell. I'm stuck in bed in my thoughts and I feel so lonely and empty and suffocated all at once. I'm doing fine now, I'm still testing positive, but I'm fine.
You know, the one symptom of covid that they never tell you is that your dreams become fucking weird. Most nights I wake up out of breath because I'd have the most bizarre nightmares. I'd dream of stars and empty rooms and mazes and glowing eyes.
Then I started dreaming about you.
We were in bed, the one you had at your old apartment, do you remember that? The one with the lumpy mattress that I'd always complained about. You were sitting at the edge of it, you smiled at me and I could feel your hand resting on my thigh. You kept looking at me and smiling, then I noticed that you were coming near me. I felt your lips on mine, and it felt so real I almost cried. But I didn't, I saved my tears for when I woke up.
I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I don't know why I'm making myself so vulnerable. But after all that I've thrown away, I feel like I have nothing else to lose.
You have Bradley now, though, and it seems like things are going really well for you (except that you both got outed, and I'm sorry that happened, by the way, but still). Does she know about us? I think I'd know if she knew, but it turns out I don't know her as much as I thought I did. The part about her liking women, I kind of suspected as I was spending more and more time with her. What came as a surprise was the part about you. I would have never expected you to be her type, no offense. You, however, are as predictable as ever.
I don't mean that in a bad way, and I don't mean to come off as the bitter ex either. I know I fucked us up. I'm not waiting for miracles to happen. I just want you to be happy.
I want to be friends again, I really do, but I don't think we ever were. So maybe we can be friends now, for the first time? Forget everything I've said about us not being able to be friends. I'll tough it out. I'd rather be holding back on kissing you every time we're together than not have you around at all. Fuck, I don't know what the hell I'm saying. Please feel free to pretend that you never received this, but I didn't lie when I said it would've been fun to have been friends over the past few years, and I would really like it if you reached out. Maybe we can have a chance this way.
All my love,
Alex