Archive of Our Own

Eddy knew he was a clumsy guy. His mother had pointed that out so frequently when he was a child. He did try to control his clumsiness as he matured into an adult—but accidents still happen.

Just like now.

He had inadvertently knocked over a box of vials in their medicine cabinet when he was looking for his antidepressants. Needless to say, all the vials broke—all fifteen of them, Eddy counted—and had its contents lay waste on their bathroom floor. He knew that Brett needed to take a vial of it every week; he also knew that Brett’s physician who prescribed it is back in Brisbane, so he also knew that Brett decided to pour his wallet over for his then 20-week stock of his testosterone shots before they returned to Singapore for an unknown period of time.

To cut the story short, Brett was going to be really pissed.

Fortunately for Eddy, Brett decided to do the groceries and was out for the day. He still had time to plan how to (a) break the news that he wasted Brett’s money, (b) replace the vials while they are in Singapore, and (c) try to appease his friend and convince the said friend not to disown and throw him out of the apartment.

Unfortunately for Eddy, he also has the attention span of a gnat. Instead of planning his actions, he decided to practice off his nerves and waited until he heard the telltale chime of keys unlocking their front door before he tried to scramble his brain for excuses. But like any idea formed while cramming, the only idea he thought of was not the best one at all—some would say it was one of the worst ones he had come up with.

So, what could have been a well-thought apology and meticulous error response unceremoniously became a panic-ridden make out session by the doorway which led to a very uncomfortable quickie by the couch. Eddy didn’t even bother to take Brett’s clothes off and just slid both of their trousers and pants low enough for penetration. And since Eddy couldn’t be bothered to look for lube to lubricate Brett’s bumhole, he decided (with Brett’s permission) to go the vaginal route this time.

Which would have been fine if Eddy was good at his pullout game but he was just as good at it as he is with his left hand pizzicato when he’s just sightreading. If that didn’t make sense to you, it’s just another way of saying that he’s bad at it and he needs more practice to perfect the art of pulling out.

Distracting Brett with sex by the doorway only made Brett wonder what brought on the behaviour. And oh boy, Eddy is such a bad liar because when he said, “Nothing. I was just thinking of you when I was practicing and got horny,” Brett automatically became suspicious.

“ Bullshit , what did you do this time?” Brett pulled his underwear up and shimmied his way to the bathroom to clean himself before finding whatever Eddy had done while he was out. Eddy tried to stop him but Eddy couldn't let Brett walk around with half his spunk leaking out of Brett’s vagina uncleaned so he let the shorter violinist discover it himself.

So as soon as Brett stepped into the bathroom and found his testosterone vials on the floor, swept to the side like it’s daily rubbish, Brett marched angrily back out and hit Eddy with the force of all his Asian ancestors over and over again.

“BRO!! DID YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT COST ME?!” Brett chastised the younger violinist and punctuated every word with a solid smack to Eddy’s arm.

“I knoooow, I knooow!” plead Eddy, sounding so desolate. “I know I made a grave mistake. I was planning to work the logistics with you but I thought it would be nice if you were in a more cooperative mood.”

“You’re sleeping on the couch until you replace all of them, Edward Chen!!” Brett snarled at the taller man, looking fierce despite his short stature. “And I am never cooking your meals anymore so feed yourself!”

Brett eventually cooled off after being bribed with five large bubble teas and Eddy calling Brett’s physician and explaining Brett’s situation to get another prescription for Brett’s testosterone shots. Purchasing them was the only problem.

It had to be from Australia since Singapore doesn’t have them at the moment.

The shipment took nearly a month and Brett had already missed six weeks of treatment by then.

When it arrived, things might have been too late.

“Bro, can we open the windows? I feel suffocated,” Brett complained while filming an episode of Twoset Violin. They were trying to sightread the compositions sent in by the fans when Brett suddenly felt lightheaded. 

“It’s very hot outside, Brett. It’s going to heat up the whole room and we got lights on. You sure you still want the windows open? I can ramp up the AC for you,” Eddy offered as he turned off the camera and the lights.

“No, nuh, no, I don’t know. Is there something wrong with the AC? It’s making my head spin.” Brett took a seat on the nearest chair, his vision blacking out as he sat down. He groaned and set his violin aside.

“It didn’t seem different to me, hey. Do you want water instead?”

“Yes, please. God, I feel so warm.”

When Eddy returned, the older violinist was splayed across the couch like a starfish. Brett had his top and jacket on the chair he previously sat on and his chest and the faint incisions below them were out in the open. Brett normally gets chills easily and Eddy was used to seeing his friend wrapped up in so many layers of clothing; so, when Eddy found his friend looking like he was about to jump into a swimming pool yet passed out on the couch where the air conditioning hits the strongest, Eddy found it bizarre—not to mention alarming as well. When Brett got ill back in uni, Brett was having the same hot flashes and he was also very weak and lightheaded most of the time. The only difference was Brett wasn't dangerously pale back then. 

“Bro, I got you a glass of water, wake up.”

Brett stirred in his sleep and mindlessly took the glass. He was about to drink it while laying down. Only Eddy’s quick reflexes saved him from drowning himself in the worst way possible. So when Brett finally had enough consciousness to hold a conversation, Eddy offered to take him to Accidents and Emergencies for a check-up.

Brett weakly agreed and allowed himself to be dragged into the hospital.

The filming never resumed that day.

While Brett was being examined, he had to explain to his healthcare provider about his gender while they were taking down his history. He had to repeat the same mantra of ‘I was born with an enlarged clitoris and was assigned male at birth’, ’I decided to fully transition as a male because that was what I was accustomed to and I never really liked the idea of living as a girl’, ’I started T as soon as I got my period‘, ‘I was admitted for hyperglycemia in 2013 because of my PCOS’, ‘I only had top surgery in 2016’, ‘yes, I have functioning female bits down there’ while trying not to be slightly dysphoric about his weird genetic make-up.

So after he had his history recorded and his blood and urine samples drawn, Eddy and he decided to plan on what to do with the remaining videos that they were supposed to film on that day—assuming that Brett had to at least take the day off because of whatever reason his body has come up. They called their editor and their producer about the emergency and had someone draft a PR statement in case Brett needed more than three days of rest.

They did not notice that more than an hour has gone by and the attending doctor has finally graced them with her time. The doctor looked young but experienced in her scrubs that looked like it had seen better days.

“Hello, Mr Yang and Mr…?,” the doctor turned to Eddy with an expectant smile. Eddy responded with a curt, “Chen.”, before returning the smile with a weaker smile.

“All right, Mr Yang and Mr Chen, I am Doctor Lin. I have Mr Yang’s test results here and I noticed a little anomaly here,” the doctor chirped excitedly—a mood that was not reciprocated by her patient and his partner. “Sorry if I have to be blunt, but have you two been actively trying to conceive?

Both violinists turned red. Although they do get steamy from time to time, they have not put a label in their relationship. To be honest, if either violinists were asked whether they were dating or not, both would answer that they were just having a ‘best friends with benefits’ kind of relationship and their fooling around wasn’t a commitment at all.

So when asked if they were actively trying to conceive, the answer is really no. They weren’t even together in the first place so how could they even discuss trying for a child who would need parents who are supposedly mature enough to raise a child. The cherry on top of this is the fact that neither men were mature enough for a child.

But if someone were to rephrase the question and asked ‘have you been having unprotected sex’, then the answer would be a resounding and deafening yes.

Because testosterone helped Brett not have his periods anymore so surely, he’s basically infertile, right? Except that they both forgot that Eddy had broken Brett’s vials and there has not been a steady supply of testosterone in his bloodstream to not kickstart the female reproductive organs Brett has lying inside for weeks.

“Oh shit.”

“Oh shit indeed, Mr Yang, I am afraid you will have to stop taking the testosterone until we’ve figured out what to do with the fetus. For now, congratulations!”

Needless to say, Eddy slept on the couch that night. Again.

Meanwhile, Brett couldn't sleep in his bed. 

He thought about having a kid before but he couldn't remember why he ever thought of having one at that time. If he were to ask himself just before he got the news, he knew wouldn't want a child at all. However, there was something that nagged him to keep his unborn child. 

Despite the unnatural guilt he was feeling, he braved his way to YouTube and looked up abortion processes and pregnancy related videos. 

Somehow, he spent the rest of the night in tears and then…

“I’m sorry,” Eddy apologized the next day.

“Why are you sorry? I enjoyed it too. I got too complacent,” Brett told him without looking at his friend. He started digging around for things he can cook for breakfast. Eddy only followed Brett's movements with his eyes. Neither men spoke as though they were put in a 100-bar tacet. 

When everything Brett needed was on the counter, he shakily continued, “And uhh, I uhh...I might keep it.”

“What?!”

“Look, I was up all night looking at articles and abortion videos gone wrong and dude, they scared me!” Brett replied a bit too strongly. If Eddy picked up the tremor on Brett’s voice, he didn’t say anything. “I also don’t want to raise a kid when we’re still at the peak of our career, Eddy, but holy shit, you didn’t see nor read what I saw last night!”

“I…” was all Eddy was able to say as he watched Brett crouch in the kitchen and bawl his eyes out on his knees. It took him a few beats before he could bring himself to walk to Brett’s direction and give him a comforting hug.

"I'll take responsibility; I will be with you in this."

“Limit your sugar intake, Brett, or you might develop gestational diabetes. So, no bubble tea for you,” Doctor Lin told him. She was apparently an obstetrician and was part-timing as an ER doctor. Brett was having his first consultation with her after the whole A&E incident. Brett apparently had too much sugar in his blood, again, and on top of that he was getting hot flashes so he was getting dehydrated a lot faster. Other than that, Brett and baby were doing fine and it was determined that the baby was around 8 weeks old. 

At the tiniest hint of a dissatisfied moan, the doctor continued, “No buts, Brett.”

"Hello guys! Welcome to another episode of Twoset Violin!" Brett chirped at the camera like he didn't just spend the previous night hunched in the toilet and expelling his whole digestive tract into the porcelain throne. "In case you haven't checked it out, check out our reflective tees. Two new colours, I'm actually liking it. It feels super comfortable. Check it out, twosetapparel.com." 

Eddy almost missed his entry as he looked at Brett with concern. To be fair with him, he also did not get a good night's rest with him trying to help Brett deal with his nausea by massaging all known acupoints dealing with it and brewing ginger tea. He also spent the night deodorising the apartment with weak citronella sprays since that was the only scent Brett can handle without triggering his nausea.

"Today, we will be watching…," Eddy stalled, mind suddenly blanking, "...you…play with us."

Brett nodded quietly, already feeling the effects of his hyperactive movements. Eddy took over the talking for the episode and has been actively looking out while bravely putting up a happy front for every take while Brett gagged and slumped against the table for the whole recording. It was a wonder that they were able to finish filming the episode with Brett immediately fleeing the scene for the bathroom before the recording even stopped. 

Eddy had to pay their editors a hefty sum for the extra work of cutting the times where Brett was caught unwell on camera. 

They didn't disclose to their team what truly happened to Brett and they also didn't know how to because they didn't know Brett was a transman at all.

Brett and Eddy had known each other since they were in high school. However, Brett had lived his entire life as a male and Brett didn't like disclosing his genetic mishap that got him mistakenly assigned male at birth to anyone outside his family. Brett was known as the firstborn cisgender male child of Mr and Mrs Yang by everyone else except his parents, his younger brother, his doctors, and Eddy. 

Eddy wasn’t supposed to be in that list. Eddy learned that Brett is a transman by accident. 

Brett and Eddy were in Taiwan at that time and Brett was complaining about how he needed to pee very badly after all the bubble tea they snarfed. So they decided to enter another bubble tea shop that had bathrooms in. Unfortunately the male bathroom's only cubicle had an out-of-order note on it. When Eddy suggested using the urinals instead, Brett whined and rushed into the female's bathroom instead. 

Thankfully, it was deserted so Brett had no problems coming in and out of it. However, Eddy was left stunned in the male's bathroom. Eddy might have initially thought that maybe Brett's very insecure about his dick size. 

However, when a week after that incident had passed, Eddy had found a gruesome crime scene that was Brett's bed when he tried to wake his friend up. 

The bed was very damp with blood and it seemed like it came from Brett's bum.

In a panic, he tried to rouse his friend a bit harsher and checked for his friend's pulse when he was hit by a very annoyed Brett who wanted to have a snooze. 

It was only when Eddy screamed, "You're bleeding!! We need to get you to the hospital!" that Brett jolted up and realised that he just had his period. 

"Wha--oh fuck . Not again. No wonder I was craving something sweet for the past few days," Brett groaned into his hands, ignoring Eddy's sheer panic. 

"What do you mean again?? Is this supposed to be normal? Brett, you're not supposed to bleed out in case you forgot!" Eddy hysterically informed his friend who seemed to be taking all of these too lightly. 

"It's just a period, Eddy. It's normal for anyone with uteruses," Brett replied, moving sluggishly as he tried to assess the damage his organs had done to the bedsheets. 

"But Brett??? You're a man?? You don't have one??" 

"Gee, thanks. It boosts my confidence when people tell me that, hey. Sometimes, it messes with my head when I get reminders of my fucked up organs like this one." Brett hissed at a stomach cramp that decided to hit him. 

"What…? Are you saying you're transgender? Like Amy from Youth Orchestra?" 

Brett reclined back to the bed and nodded weakly as he willed the cramp to stop being painful. Not that it did anything helpful but it made him stop thinking about how he should (a) explain to his best friend his genetic and sexual situation and (b) tell him to buy him pads in the nearest convenience store because Brett did not expect any of this to happen after being on testosterone for years. (He might have forgotten the fact that he switched brands a few weeks ago.) 

"Fuck, this cramp really hurts," Brett moaned and curled into a ball. Eddy, having had a mother and a sister that needed his assistance when their periods arrived, leaped to his feet to get warm compress and warm water for Brett. He also made his way to the nearest convenience store to get Brett some pads and some Mefenamic acid without Brett's instruction. 

And after that, neither men talked about Brett's sex and his weird genetic disposition. Eddy just immediately knew he had to assist Brett when the same incident occurred. 

Them having sexual intercourse happened because both men were bored and a tiny bit frustrated about work one day. 

Brett, being the crackhead that he is, decided to spike a few fruit teas with vodka after having seen girls do it on tiktok. Then after that, they might have had a few more bottles of soju because Eddy suggested they try Yakult Soju just because he was curious. 

Vodka is a strong enough alcohol on its own. Soju makes you drink more than you can before you realize you're drunk. Combining both with two bored, frustrated violinists with some time to waste, it might have resulted in night spent in desires. 

The next morning, they decided they'd do it to let out their frustrations when both parties consented……but they're still just friends. 

They can date whoever they like.

Also, they should probably get some condoms next time because Brett didn't like the feeling of drying spunk in his vagina. 

……The last postulate was frequently ignored, though. 

That was exactly how they ended up like this: Brett sniffing on some essential oils Eddy's mum had gifted him next to Eddy in the waiting room for his check-up. 

Brett was supposedly around the ninth to eleventh week mark, just a few weeks shy of getting to the second trimester. Brett, however, wasn't sporting a noticeable bump yet. He can still wear his own hoodies and jumpers and get away with being accused of having had too much to eat. 

What was concerning was Brett's consistent drop in weight and his never-ending nausea.

They decided to come in a week earlier to have Brett tested. 

After the consultation, Brett was left with prescriptions to boost his appetite, relieve him from nausea, and also more vitamins for the fetus.

They also got a prettier sonogram of their child. So far, they couldn't tell if they were having a girl or a boy but they look very well formed and tiny as well. Brett, being the proud father that he is, decided to take a photo of it and set it as his phone wallpaper. 

Eddy seemed rather apprehensive about the sonogram. He didn't know whether it was from the sheer fact that he fathered the kid in the sonogram (which meant he was going to have serious responsibilities from now on) or if it was because he's scared of losing Brett for carrying the baby to term. 

Brett spent the whole consultation being teary-eyed (it was the hormones) and was not really paying attention to what was being said at that time. Eddy, however, was. Unfortunately, that meant that he knew that Brett's situation was very delicate and the pregnancy would be tough on him. 

So, Eddy was just right to be apprehensive about the whole child thing but he supported Brett's decision to raise the kid...so he had to man up and face the consequences with Brett. 

Whether those consequences meant raising a child before he ever planned to have one or having to swallow the fact that he might have to bury his child before seeing them. 

Brett was having consistent cramping ever since their last visit in the hospital and a few more bleeding instances where Eddy had to whisk Brett to Accidents and Emergencies a few times--only to be disregarded and told not to put Brett under unnecessary stress. 

However, they were behind a few episodes for Twoset Violin and Brett wanted to clear the queue before he 'puffs up'. 

Unfortunately that meant working for more than what his body could handle. 

One day, Brett woke up to an intense pain in his abdomen together with the strongest urge to vomit. The retching sound was what alerted Eddy and he found Brett already spewing out his stomach onto the floor. The older violinist had let out whines between retching sounds and Eddy had to leap out of the bed to get Brett a basin and a wash basin. By the time he returned, the lights were on and the sheets were soaked with blood. Brett has his hand weakly positioned near the switch by the bedside and his other hand clutching his abdomen like he was trying to keep the child in him. Tears and spit ran across Brett's face while he sobbed; Eddy felt his heart clench as he witnessed his strong friend crumble like this. 

"Eddy…," Brett wept, "I can't move." 

Eddy tried to help clean Brett before rushing him to A&E. 

In the hospital, Brett and Eddy officially lost their child. 

Eddy wanted to ask for his child's remains so he could bury them. However, hospitals in Singapore discard them as soon as the fetus is extracted. So Eddy buried his copy of the sonogram near the Singapore Botanic Gardens instead. Why? Because that was where his legs had brought him when he was told that Brett had to be sedated for a few hours and he was instructed to get clothes. 

He cried there. 

He yelled there. He didn't care if people thought he was crazy. He was grieving. 

He didn't even see them yet but he has grown attached to them. 

He didn't even know about the child for more than a month but he knew he would have loved them. 

He was also grieving for his friend. 

His friend, who had been looking up things about pregnancy because he wanted to carry the child to term. 

His friend, who had to sing lullabies to himself because he thought the child needed to be hummed a lullaby so he would not have a hard day the next day. 

His friend, who had worked very hard so their fans still get content even if it meant he gets dizzy midway the filming. 

His friend, who still forgave him despite breaking all his testosterone vials. 

His friend, who had been so selfless all these times. 

How could he show himself to his friend after all that? No, he can't face his friend. Not until he can think of a way to be less inconvenient to Brett. For the meantime, he informed Brett's parents about his situation so they can cover up for him. 

Eddy's phone rang a few times. The calls dropped a few times. He answered on what seemed to be the twelfth call. 

"Eddy?" Brett's voice sounded very concerned like he wasn't the one admitted in the hospital. There was a faint F-sharp beeping in the background.

"Brett?" 

"Oh, Eddy, thank God you're alive," Brett audibly sighed in relief. "When Ma told me you haven't been to the hospital, I began to worry. Thanks for calling my parents to come here, by the way."

"En. No worries, man."

"I also told the team what happened…and they understood if I had to be in videos where I don't stand so much…Doctor's orders," Brett informed him a bit jovially. It sounded wrong to Eddy's ears. 

Brett just had a miscarriage. There's no way he could have recovered emotionally that fast. 

"Brett, are you alright?" Eddy tested his friend. 

A sad laugh was heard in the call. "Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" 

"Are you sure? Is A-Yi there?" Eddy egged on. 

There was a long pause. Eddy knows Brett was slowly unravelling his tough exterior. 

"Yeah! Yeah, she is…do you want to say hi?" Brett replied again with the same jovial tone but his voice cracked at the end. Eddy knew his friend was almost at his limit. 

"Yeah, please tell her I said hi. Also, when are they leaving there?" Eddy asked as he prepared his things in a bag.

"In an hour…please...Eddy," was the last thing Eddy heard from Brett before Eddy rushed to wash away a few days' worth of grime off his body and rushed to the hospital. 

There, he purposely waited for the Yang family to leave Brett's room before entering.

As soon as he saw Brett curling in his gurney alone, he immediately rushed to his friend and brought him to a tight embrace. 

Brett wailed on Eddy's shoulder. He almost couldn't breathe from the sobs. 

Eddy could only clutch at Brett's clothes to stop him from lamenting with Brett. He needed to be strong for Brett. Eddy already had his share of crying. He did lock himself in their apartment for three days just to cry. He could do this. He can do this. He will do this. For Brett. 

After what seemed like an hour of crying, they both murmured their apologies on each other's shoulders. 

Eddy shushed Brett. 

The one who should be truly sorry was him. 

After Brett was discharged, Eddy made him sleep in a hotel room with his family for a night so he could clean up their apartment of anything that could remotely remind them of the miscarriage. Brett appreciated Eddy's efforts but Eddy had to tell him that he was doing it for his own sake as well. 

So while Brett was out, he recorded himself announcing that Twoset Violin was going to take a break because Brett had been 'sick'...which was true...and that they are trying to focus on their health more. 

Then he published that without running it across their team. They knew Brett had a miscarriage anyway. There's no need to bring Brett to the recording of this announcement either so he might as well have done it himself. 

Brett, on the other hand, was staring at his phone wallpaper. His tears would occasionally fall and his hands would automatically wipe it away. He can still feel his insides scream in pain and he doubts it would stop. 

He might have already prepared a name for them. He made sure they would get a gender neutral name in case they inherit his fucked up biology. 

Symphony. 

Is what he prepared. Not that he shared this to anyone but deep inside, he had been calling his child Symphony ever since he decided he would keep them. 

In the end, fate didn't allow him to keep Symphony. 

He felt so angry.

But he didn't know where to direct his anger. 

He wishes he'd just forget everything so he would hurt less but he doesn't want to forget Symphony . 

He didn't know what to feel anymore. 

When Eddy came to collect him the next day, only the housekeeping staff knew about the letter addressed to Symphony Yang. 

Eddy told Brett that he had officially declared that they both needed to take a break while Brett was still recovering from the miscarriage and dealing with the psychological effects that came with it. Brett appreciated the effort and locked himself in his room. 

Eddy returned sleeping to what was originally his room that turned into a second filming room. He didn't allow himself to touch Brett outside the necessary helping hand. 

Eddy knew that Brett spent his time alone crying based on the never-ending puffy red eyes that Brett sported when Eddy saw him. For some unknown reason, Eddy felt the need to do something about it. Coincidentally, it was nearing Christmas at that time as well, so he decided to give Brett some gifts to make him smile. 

He particularly chose to give Brett the silliest gifts. 

Like a toilet piano. And a pillow that said 'Stroke to get A=440'.

He also made sure to include something he would love. 

Like a bubble tea airpod case and an actual bubble tea. (Except on his way back he just remembered Brett couldn't have the latter one.)

He also thought of recording the whole thing so he can capture Brett's smile again. He could easily delete the footage if ever things go south anyway. 

Thankfully, it went smoothly and Brett smiled for the first time in a month. He decided to upload it on YouTube to let them know Brett's alive and fine. 

They both didn't know when they decided to move on from their loss. Eddy only knew that every time he sees a child outside, he would get painful pricks in his chest and suddenly, he'd be fighting the urge to cry. He knew that Brett is still preferring to sleep under a weighted blanket to feel comfortable falling asleep.

But with their subscriber count increasing past 3 million, he knew they had to eventually bust out the Sibelius so Eddy had been practicing non-stop so he could cover for Brett if Brett could not do the orchestral parts yet. 

When Brett decided to rehearse with him, he knew Brett also decided to move on and focus on the present. 

Brett even decided to get himself a Widenhouse. 

They resumed filming between rehearsals.

When Brett finally received his Widenhouse, they even turned their loss into a joke about getting a new family member…but deep inside they knew that a Widenhouse could never equally replace Symphony. 

When they finally held the livestream for the Sibelius Violin Concerto, Eddy couldn't help letting the feelings flood over his playing. It was his lamentation. The first movement expressed his emotions when he dealt with when they first received the news…when what they feared the most happened…and when he saw one of the strongest people he knew break down. He almost let his tears run down during the concerto but he didn't want Brett nor the viewers to worry. Then he noticed Brett singing his parts and he had to give a smile. 

Brett was just enjoying the music. He was the one who lost and suffered the most; but there he was, just having fun and focusing on the music. Eddy remembered that he should too. 

So, he chose to enjoy it too. 

He played the second movement to illustrate the way he tried to move on; his journey to enjoy life again. 

Then, his third movement meant the triumph of enjoying life again and braving through another set of hurdles in life. 

When the livestream ended, Brett enveloped Eddy in a tight hug as if to convey a million messages. Thanks for giving me Symphony even for a few months. Thanks for being there with me the whole time. Thanks for helping me when I was weak. Thanks for sharing the pain with me. Thanks for helping me move on. Thanks for making me smile again.

The hug tightened. Eddy stood frozen but returned the hug. He put his lips against Brett's hair. 

"Thank you very much, Eddy," was all he said to Eddy's chest. 

"No problem, man. Always."

They embraced until their legs hurt. 

A few years down the line, both still celebrate Symphony's death anniversary with a bubble tea date or a quiet dinner or however they want to feel good but it would always end with them lighting a stick of incense. It's not customary for parents to pay respects to their child but both violinists thought they owe Symphony the respect. After all, Symphony taught them to cherish their lives, to take rests when needed, and to prioritise themselves. 

In a way, Symphony was a good 老师 (laoshi) to them. 

Maybe, one day, they could meet Symphony and give them the love they deserved.

Maybe, one day, they could have a family with Symphony. 

11 December 2020

Dear Symphony, 

I know you wouldn't be able to read this because I've just lost you but in case you're watching me in heaven, I'd like you to know that I never really excepted[sic] myself to want a child until I had you. 

I only wanted to play music to the world and live a free life. I wanted to share the joys of classical music more than anything in the world. 

But I never expected I would want something more than that. You upturned my world. Suddenly, I was playing for you. I never thought I would be able to dedicate my music to anyone until I knew I was having you. It felt surreal. It made me want to practice more so you can hear me more. I never expected to want to play music for someone else ever before. 

I knew you liked me humming pieces to you. You don't make me ache so much when I do that. 

I can only wonder what you would look like. Would you be Ling Ling personified? Would you have the annoying trait of having perfect pitch like your father? Would you even like to play music when you get older or would you prefer being a doctor? 

I am so fustrated[sic] with how things went. 

I desperatly[sic] wanted you to live. I guess I was too hard on myself. I'm sorry baobei. I was too careless. Maybe if I cherished my health more, I could have met you. Maybe I could still see your first recital. Maybe I could raise you into a good person who likes sharing music to the world like I do.

I'm sorry baba didn't care about his health and cost you your life. I'm very sorry I couldn't see you cry for the first time. I'm sorry I took away all of your firsts. I hope you forgive baba for losing you. 

I hope we see each other someday, baobei. 

Love, 

Baba. 

30 July 2026

Dear Symphony, 

You're becoming an older sibling. Please look after me and your baby sister. 

Love, 

Baba.