Archive of Our Own

Something was wrong. And not just because of Xiaoge's sudden disappearances. Wu Xie obviously was used to those, but after Pangzi told him that he was hanging out in some shitty park, he already got suspicious. Zhang Qiling usually didn't like to be away from "home". Back in the village he rarely left anywhere. He actually never wanted to leave, unless it was really necessary.

But it wasn't even that. Qiling clearly avoided staying alone with Wu Xie. And when he did, he was looking at him... strangely. Wu Xie always secretly adored those moments when he caught Xiaoge staring at him. He didn't quite know why he was looking at him so intently, but he was always happy, when he caught his gaze.

This was different though. Because Xiaoge looked at him as if he wanted to ask something, but also...didn't? And that drove Wu Xie crazy. He only saw him like that once and he really really didn't want to think it was about that.

They were okay, weren't they? Past months were very normal... but ever since he healed, it all suddenly went downhill, and Wu Xie really prayed it wasn't about what he thought it was. Because since that time he swore he'd never get drunk ever again.

And now here they were, sitting at the table, while Pangzi was out picking Xiao Mei from school, and that was the first time since Wu Xie was 28, that he felt truly awkward while being alone with Xiaoge. Because Zhang Qiling just stared at him, while Wu Xie was "reading", though he honestly just flipped through the pages from time to time not even knowing what the hell he was holding in his hands. He was just trying to catch with his peripheral vision every Xiaoge's movement, who now was just silently clenching and unclenching his fist.

As much as Wu Xie was scared to hear the answer, this was getting on his nerves for the past two weeks, so at the end he decided that it'd be better to just ask, than continue with this silent torture.

"Okay, I give up. What is it?"

To his surprise, Xiaoge didn't even try to play dumb or act as if he doesn't know what Wu Xie was talking about. Instead his answer made his blood run cold.

"Were you saying that only because you were dying?"

Great. Apparently they weren't okay.

***

Wu Xie was only slightly drunk that day. He remembered very well how they were playing billiards and then his uncle told him the sob story about the unrequited love and Wu Xie wasn't really in his right mind, but also wasn't out of it either. Mix it with the fact that he knew he was going to die in a few months and here it goes.

It was when his stupid-dumb-perfect-love-of-his-life was taking him to bed that this thought crossed his mind.

He was sobber enough to remember very clearly how he slipped his hand under his black shirt and how the perfect muscles contracted under his touch. He remembered every second really... the hitch of breath and the way dark eyes stared at him so intently and searching, that Wu Xie lost the trail of his thought for a moment.

It was then that he decided that his best chance would be if he asked it in the most casual way possible. One night stands is what adults do, right? Sometimes friends too? Anything that'd give him a chance to maybe have him in his arms just for one night.

"I've never ever been with anyone." Wu Xie chuckled softly, trying to make it as lighthearted as possible. "So I thought... since I'm dying and all..."

Zhang Qiling's eyes went cold.

"No." The anger in the usual calm voice was so palpable that Wu Xie immediately pulled away his hand.

No.

Of course, he expected that. Actually he was very sure it's gonna be a 'no', but it was worth a try still. It's not like he had anything to lose.

He dug his nails into his palm to distract himself from the other pain, but the rejection felt so sharp he couldn't even find a way to control his emotions.

"You should sleep." Xiaoge's voice was soft again, but his eyes were so still that Wu Xie couldn't even look at his perfect face anymore. He cowardly pretended to be more drunk than he was and just closed his eyes, falling on the pillow.

The harsh 'no' resounded in his head. He shivered. Cold, it was so cold. He hid his face into the pillow, as felt his beautiful tormentor covering him with a blanket. At least during these ten years he learned one very useful thing. How to clear his mind from thinking about him so he could fall asleep.

***

The morning after Xiaoge behaved as usual. And all the days after that really. There was no awkwardness or anything in his behavior that suggested that any of this happened. But there were also not one time, when they were alone either. That until Xiaoge came to his room to tell him that he was going to leave with his second uncle to find the fastest way to the Thunder City and possibly the non-existent cure.

It was then when Wu Xie felt that. Xiaoge was tenser than usual and was actually looking away more, than he was looking at him. He was still sitting next to him on the bed though and he didn't pull away when Wu Xie grazed his arm, trying to catch his attention.

"I'm really sorry." Wu Xie's voice was very quiet. "I wasn't in my right mind. I'm sorry if what I said... if I made you un..."

"You didn't." That's all.

And damn silence again.

But at least Qiling was looking at him and his soft gaze was so calming, that Wu Xie got lost in it for a second. Warm hand slowly and gently pressed to his forehead and he savored the rare physical touch.

Xiaoge slowly stood up.

"I'll come back as fast as I can."

Wu Xie just noded and pretended to cough, so he could turn to the side. Pangzi walked in and he was saying something, but Wu Xie was so focused on trying to hold off his tears and Qiling's steps were so quiet, that he more felt than heard him leaving. His chest hurt again, but not because of the illness this time. This pain... it was much more familiar.

***

They never actually brought it up again and at one point Wu Xie completely forgot that it even happened himself, just because everything between them went back to normal. Or so he thought. But maybe they were just too happy to reunite and busy with all the searching and not dying for other things to kick in...

"Were you saying that only because you were dying?" Typically even that Zhang Qiling asked in the most neutral voice you could've imagined.

"W..what?" Wu Xie knew very well, what Xiaoge was asking, but he really wanted to postpone this conversation as much as possible, so he had time to decide which way to go with this.

"Were you only saying that because you were dying?" He repeated stubbornly and monotonously, leaving him no ways out.

Wu Xie cleared his throat. It's not that big of a deal right? They were adults. He can joke about it.

"Yeah, you know what a bucket list is?" Qiling looked at him silently, clearly expecting him to continue. Wu Xie cleared his throat. "It's when people make a list of things they want to do before they die."

Dark eyes squinted at him for a second and he saw Xiaoge's jaw clench.

"So that was on yours? Sleeping with someone?" His voice was still very even, but Wu Xie already knew him so well, that he could sense all of his emotions from afar.

It was very fascinating to him at first. But now he often laughed remembering how dumb he was before about not noticing it all.

Because Zhang Qiling was actually extremely bad at hiding his emotions. They were really all lying there absolutely exposed in his incredible, talking eyes.

And that's how he knew right now that Xiaoge was irritated or... mad even? Why was he mad?

Wu Xie stared at him for a moment, trying to realize what the hell was going on. Was the thought of it really so... horrible to him? He very well knew that Qiling at least liked being near him and he for sure knew that he didn't have any prejudice against genders or anything really, when it came to other's romantic relationships, so even if he thought of him as just friend, it shouldn't be that bad, right?

Wu Xie started getting annoyed. Couldn't they just... forget about it?

"Is there anything really so wrong with that?" His voice sounded harsher than he intended.

"No." Xiaoge's tone was still emotionless, but Wu Xie saw a glimpse of guilt in his eyes. There was a short pause, until his beautiful nonsense calmly uttered, what he expected even less to hear. "So did you?"

He asked that so nonchalantly, that Wu Xie felt like his brain short-circuted. Was he just... asking if he slept with him?

"Did I what?"

"Sleep with someone?" Qiling almost chocked on the last word and that was so unlike him that Wu Xie looked at him as if he grew three heads.

"N-nooo." He answered calmly even though all of that sounded very ridiculous right now. "Cause my wish was not sleeping with someone, it was sleeping with you..." He forced a light chuckle. "So as you know, clearly I did not."

Wu Xie tried to laugh it off, but when he looked up, he for the first time saw his favorite eyes staring at him bewildered.

Aaand... he apparently just made everything worse.

Wu Xie grabbed the book on the table tracing his fingers upon the cover to distract himself from this conversation. He really hoped it was all forgotten and they went back to what they were.

He wouldn't be able to handle Qiling not being... comfortable around him anymore. Wu Xie almost cried at the thought. It took so long for him to get there. For this incredible human being to be able to feel.. at home with him. Was this his momentarily weakness even worth it? No, it wasn't. Was he sad and angry that it took so little to ruin it? Yes, he was.

He was also so... tired. His heart was so drained, that he felt physically exhausted now even more, than when he was fatally ill. His shoulders fell.

"You know you don't have to leave anywhere actually, if you're.. uncomfortable." He tried to keep his voice steady and even smiled a bit. "There are so many rooms here, you really don't have to sit in the park because of that."

Wu Xie stood up and went to the stairs, but the confused soft voice, that now sounded very close, stopped him in his tracks.

"So you wanted just... me?"

Wu Xie automatically noded and almost tripped when he felt warm breath on his neck. A familar hand wormed its way around him, keeping him steady. Completely lost and still hopelessly trying to understand what the hell was going on, he quickly turned around, almost bumping their noses together. Wu Xie tried to take a step back, but the arm around him wouldn't budge.

"And now that you're alive and okay..." The usual expression so cool and collected, but his eyes... his eyes made Wu Xie want to pet him for some reason. "Do you still want me?"

Wu Xie didn't quite understand, what was Xiaoge's goal here exactly.

Zhang Qiling was honest even when it hurt; and some would even call him rude at times because of his straightforwardness. He was indeed very stubborn and a huge weirdo (just like all of them three really) and he did have a very dry sense of humor, some might find offensive, but he was never ever cruel. So knowing that it was still his Xiaoge, Wu Xie for some reason even now as usual felt strangely safe and looking at him so close and still feeling the exhaustion from always not saying enough, he just spilled it as it was.

"I do."

That was the second time, when Wu Xie saw Xiaoge completely lose his face. His usually tightly pursed lips opened slightly in disbelief and he just blinked slowly at him.

Wu Xie stared at him curiously, part of him kinda enjoying that finally he wasn't the only one feeling abashed. So he didn't even try to stop the rest of the words from slipping anymore.

"I was just scared to say it. And then I was dying and thought what do I have to lose, right? Nothing. And here we are. Stupid, huh?" Wu Xie felt strangely at ease and smiled, looking warmly right at his favorite breathtakingly-beautiful face. "And I.. wanted you long before I got ill. Realized it a bit too late maybe, but then I just knew that I wanted you for a long long time actu.."

The man in front of him moved too fast, catching one of his lips between his own. The other hand that wasn't still wrapped tightly around his waist cupped his neck and Qiling's thumb rested just below his lower lip as if asking him to open his mouth even further. When the tip of the tongue slowly grazed his, Wu Xie's hand unintentionally grabbed the buckle on his jeans, trying to keep himself steady. Shit. He was kissing him. Xiaoge was kissing him.

Wu Xie moaned into his mouth, one of his arms wrapping around Zhang Qiling's neck, while the other still resting on his belt tugged him even closer. His hips jerked against Xiaoge's when he felt teeth lightly catching his bottom lip. He eyes fluttered open just to meet the dark melted gaze in front of him, that made his knees go weak.

Wu Xie's hand reach behind him to feel the surface of the table as Qiling pushed him back, helping him settle on top of it. Wu Xie parted his legs a pulled him in even closer, their hips grinding into each each other while Xiaoge's tongue moved to his neck.

"What.. what do you want to do?"

Zhang Qiling's mouth froze on his skin and Wu Xie felt the hot breath grazing him as he let out a disoriented groan. His head fell on Wu Xie's shoulder while his hands slipped further under his shirt bringing them even closer.

Wu Xie never heard Xiaoge being so breathless even after he fought or ran several miles. But when Qiling lifted his head and looked at him with the expression of a very pleased giant cat, his hair quite messed up, eyes shining so happily, Wu Xie had to grab onto his bicep tighter and close his eyes for a second to remind himself to breathe.
When he opened them again Zhang Qiling's gaze was still on his face.

"What you wanted us to do from your... bucket list."

"I don't think we have that much time." It slipped from his mouth without thinking and Wu Xie felt his cheeks heat up slightly as he hid his face in Zhang Qiling's shoulder. But his head almost immediately shot up when he heard the most endearing thing. The softest, cutest laughter.

He did actually hear Zhang Qiling laughing several times, but never like that. Wu Xie really couldn't hide a smile as he tried to sound offended.

"Do not laught at m.."

Zhang Qiling kissed him with such fervor that Wu Xie couldn't contain the moan. When their lips finally parted he felt so lightheaded that he actually forgot what he was asking. Xioge's lips trailed down his chin to his neck again.

"The most... tell me what you wanted the most."

His voice now sounded so shaky that Wu Xie impatiently moved his hips as his hand lowered from Qiling's spine to his ass as he pushed him closer, opening his legs even wider.

Honestly... whatever. He literally wanted whatever. He wanted him naked, around him, in him, all over him. But when the long fingers caressed his neck, Wu Xie instantly whispered.

"Your fingers, I want your fingers in me, Xiaoge."

When Zhang Qiling's hand moved to his inner thigh Wu Xie felt himself shaking. Xiaoge didn't pull away, just stared at his face curiously and then pressed the tip of his nose to Wu Xie's, grazing it lightly.

He didn't talk much after that. Or maybe at all. They didn't even lose all of their clothes, his shirt was only unbuttoned when Qiling's hand slipped inside his pants and Wu Xie almost lost it. He vaguely remembers how he was babbling something about the oil on the shelf and then not wanting to let go off Xiaoge for him to make two steps to the right to get it.

When the first long finger slowly pushed past his tight muscle, Wu Xie's brain completely stopped working. He was sure for most people it wasn't that big of a deal. So far it didn't feel pleasurable or anything really. But all he could think of was.. that it was Xiaoge touching him, touching him in the most intimate way. And that alone not only made Wu Xie stomach tighten.. to his embarrassment he also felt his eyes starting to water. Zhang Qiling seemed to watch his every breath and every move, so before the panic even appeared in those eyes in front of him, Wu Xie lightly pressed his shaking lips to Xiaoge's.

"Good, it feels good, baby." Wu Xie soothingly whispered into his mouth.

Qiling's eyes softened at the endearment and his other arm suddenly slipped under one of Wu Xie's thighs, opening him up even more as he pushed another finger into him.

Wu Xie actually did it to himself before, but it never felt like that. He felt so helpless under his touch.. vulnerable too. Everything felt too much for him. He was so focused on the sensation of Qiling's long sinful fingers in him, with every movement pushing harder and deeper into his tight heat, that soon he found it very hard to even simply breathe.

"Xiaoge, Xiaoge... wait. I need... I want you inside of me." At this point he really didn't care if it's gonna hurt. His shaky hand caught Qiling's wrist. He tried not to let out a disappointed whine as he pushed his arm away lightly. "I need you in me."

Wu Xie's hand was settled on Zhang Qiling's stomach and his felt his body tremble slightly as Xiaoge's fingers slipped out of him and he firmly moved Wu Xie's hip closer to the edge of the table.

It hurt. It really did, when Xiaoge slowly pushed his way into his body. But god... The way his pupils dialated, the surprised moan that escaped those pretty lips, the sheer disbelief and wonder that never before grazed that beautiful face...

"Good, huh?" Wu Xie bit his lip slightly as he breathed out very slowly. "Do I feel good, Xiaoge?" He carressed his ear, carefully brushing the messed up hair with his fingers.

Qiling could only let out a shaky breath as he caught Wu Xie's lower lip between his teeth, then licking it softly. The hand around his thigh tightened harshly and Wu Xie couldn't hold off a scream as Xiaoge suddenly pushed all the way into his body.

Looking almost terrified Qiling tried to move away, but Wu Xie's hand instantly pushed Xioage's hips even closer into his, not allowing him to pull away. Xiaoge at that let out a loud moan and his hand suddenly sneaked into Wu Xie's short hair as he grabbed the strands harshly as if he tried to find something to tether him. Wu Xie caught Xiaoge's earlobe between his lips and softly breathed out.

"Move, baby. I need you to move."

After a moment Zhang Qiling's hand left his hair and slowly made its way down his spine. The first hard thrust and the strong hand that guided Wu Xie's hips into his, made him gasp. Tongue slowly pushed inside his mouth in sync with another, not gentle at all, thrust of the hips and Wu Xie let out a painful whine. His hands wrapped their way aroung Zhang Qiling's neck, while the leg that was free from the deadly grasp weaved around his hips. His muscles shook with each greedy movement, hot lips on his skin making him tremble even more. That was until Xiaoge pushed Wu Xie's leg further up his arm and the next thrust hit some place that made him shudder so hard that the movement abruptly stopped.

Wu Xie almost sobbed as he dug his nails into the soft skin of Qiling's ass.

"No-no. Again, do that again."

Zhang Qiling carefully rolled his hips and Wu Xie felt his breath hitch.

"Oh."

Xiaoge suddenly pushed Wu Xie's upper body to lay on the table, hiking his leg even higher and gripping it so tight it almost hurt. He then slipped almost all the way out of his body, just to thrust very hard precisely into that spot. Wu Xie almost yelled.

"Xiaoge, Xiaoge, wait..." He really, really didn't like him being so far.

But then Qiling braced his other hand on the table next to his head, their lips almost touching now, and Wu Xie sighed contently.

The next thrust though made him let out such perverted moan that he almost felt embarrassed. He probably would, if he wasn't too preoccupied with how good everything felt and with touching every available part of the naked skin as his fingers traced Xiaoge's back.

God, he really wanted to savor every sound that fell from the usually silent lips. Every sigh, every whimper, every moan. His movement were very rough, as if he couldn't control himself at all, and that was driving Wu Xie even more insane, than the sharp pleasure that now followed every thrust of his hips.

God knows his body for some reason was already going crazy because of his every move, but the fact that he made Xiaoge feeling so good that he lost all of his composure and was taking his pleasure as passionately as he was giving it to him, turned him on even more.

Wu Xie actually always wanted Zhang Qiling to be selfish at least once. Like really selfish. He thought he'd honestly let him do whatever to him, if he wanted. His precious Xiaoge just probably would never agree.

Wu Xie's inner walls clenched around him, as he felt himself getting closer and closer to his release. Xiaoge's hot breath was now mixed with his own. Too good. It felt too good. So close, he was so close to him, Wu Xie felt every tremble that went through his body with his own.

"Shit." His pelvis contracted harshly and Wu Xie's spine arched as he spilled on his stomach. His whole body shook as if it went into shock, so sudden that he for a moment forgot how to breathe. Fuck.

Xiaoge's hips stuttered at the same moment and Wu Xie almost cried out again as he felt the hot wetness hit his insides. Qiling was still trying to hold his body on his arm, but his face fell to Wu Xie's neck as his lips softly grazed his skin.

Wu Xie still had troubles even focusing his vision when Zhang Qiling suddenly pushed himself up and gathered Wu Xie in his arms, walking to the stairs. Wu Xie couldn't even collect his thoughts that were going from protesting to Xiaoge slipping out of his body too soon to incoherent streak of:

"Don't, Xiaoge, pants.. come, I'm lea..." Qiling's lips caught his mouth again and Wu Xie only wondered how the hell he was moving so smoothly even now, because his own head was in a haze and spinning.

Wu Xie just let out a pleasant moan when his back touched the soft sheets as he watched Xiaoge getting rid of the rest of his clothes.

Zhang Qiling then carefully gathered Wu Xie in his arms again and sat next to the headboard to his surprise settling Wu Xie on top of him. When he guided Wu Xie's hips so he would slowly sink back inside of him, Wu Xie shivered. Xiaoge was now holding him so close to his body and was so deep inside of him, that Wu Xie let out a satisfied moan. Perfect. This was perfect.

The skin under his palm felt warm and Wu Xie curiously caressed Xiaoge's left shoulder. He then leaned in brushing hot tongue over the perfect skin, sucking it into his mouth slightly before leaving a soothing kiss, hot breath grazing the spot. The trace of ink slowly appeared and Wu Xie almost giggled happily. He wondered for a while now if that'd work.

Zhang Qiling's eyes crinkled as he kissed his smiling lips. He then unbuttoned the sleeve of Wu Xie's shirt finally letting it fully slip off his body. Xiaoge's lips traced the scar on his neck, then his shoulder, then his upper arm as Wu Xie closed his eyes for a moment, still trying to calm his breath. It was then that he felt Zhang Qiling's body freeze, the shoulder under his palm tensing.

Wu Xie's eyes flew open and he looked at Xiaoge, who was now staring at his left arm.

Fuck.

Its not like he could hide it already now, but still his first irrational response for some reason was drawing back his arm, but he of course couldn't beat Zhang Qiling's perfect reaction, who immediately gripped it so tightly that Wu Xie almost hissed.

“Who did this?”

It was first words he spoke in a while now and the tone, despite being pretty quiet, sounded so cold, that Wu Xie felt his stomach turn.

He knew it was pretty ugly. His whole arm from the elbow was painted with uneven lines of scars from the knife cuts. Some were less noticable, not as deep and almost pale, but some still looked rough, dark and raggy despite being completely healed. It was pretty obvious that such marks couldn't been left in a fight or some incident. Even from one sight everyone could've said that they were made by a human hand, purposefully and methodically.

Xiaoge really looked as if he wanted to kill the person, which was kinda funny considering, but Wu Xie couldn't laugh as he felt his heart slowly sinking. He really didn't want to talk about it now. He was so used to wearing long sleeves everywhere. How the hell could he forget?

Wu Xie sighed and uttered.

“Me.” He quickly averted his head. “I did it myself.”

Xiaoge’s gaze immediately changed from the angry to a confused one. His voice was still slightly shaking when he finally asked.

“Why?”

“Is it really that important?”

Qiling decided to ignore the question and just stared at him silently, until Wu Xie eventually gave up.

"I was punishing myself... for failing… at something."

"BY CUTTING YOURSELF?!"

The hand on his wrist squeezed him too painfully, but Wu Xie barely noticed it. Because Xiaoge just yelled at him. Xiaoge never yells.

Wu Xie cleared his throat as he quietly answered.

"I know it was dumb, but not all of us are as good at handling their emotions. At that moment I didn't know what to do with mine and I was just... angry at myself. And I was angry about you." He made himself swallow 'at you' in the last moment.

Xiaoge's eyes looked right at him. There were so many raw feelings in them that Wu Xie almost turned away, but his stubborness wouldn't let him.

And god, were they both stubborn...

"It was my choice." Usually calm voice was shaking now.

"And I hated it!" Wu Xie coldly said as he felt traitorous tears gather up in his eyes clouding his view. "I hated it." He repeated again, but very weakly this time, trying to hold off a quiet sob as his head helplessly fell on Zhang Qiling's shoulder.

Soon hands were wrapped even tightly around him, one palm grazing the back of his hair. Wu Xie shivered when he felt warm breath next to his ear.

"I'm sorry that I can't say I'm sorry. Because if we could go back, I'd still do the same thing."

Wu Xie almost smiled at that. He knew that. That's why he never brought it up actually.
He also didn't want to be a hypocrite. Because he understood perfectly well why Xiaoge did what he did. It'd be a lie if he said he wouldn't do the same. He also didn't regret anything he did for the past 10 years either. And he for sure didn't want Qiling to be mad at him about it too.

"Did you ever..." Wu Xie paused for a moment not knowing how to formulate his thought. "When you feel bad, when you feel like you didn't do enough, weren't good enough, when you can't concentrate on anything else and can't clear your thoughts. Is there anything that helps you keep your focus, makes you keep going, try again from the very beginning? Something that for a moment makes you forget everything bad that keeps spinning around in your head?"

"Looking at you."

The lack of hesitation made Wu Xie's mouth drop open. And guess that was the reason behind his favorite staring.

Wu Xie's thoughts trailed off to one of their weirdest goodbyes, when Qiling left him completely speechless by mentioning that Wu Xie was the only thing that tied him to this world and then casually leaving as if that was.. normal. He remembered how he thought about it a lot after that, replaying Xioge's words hundreds of times in his head, but still not fully understanding what exactly he meant.

At the end he came to a conclusion that Xiaoge just meant that he was kind of his anchor, but also someone he could trust and rely on and felt safe with for this period of his life, someone he could always safely come back to, if he needed. And as happy as it made him feel at that moment, Wu Xie's heart always kinda hurt when he remembered the "only you" part. Firstly because he selfishly really wanted to be his only one, secondly because it kinda scared him. The thought that Xiaoge might be left all alone someday. And he'd say that he'd want him to find his other anchor, but the thought of that resounded in his chest with so much pain that eventually he decided just not to think about it at all.

Wu Xie smiled warmly.

"And when I'm not with you?"

"Then I close my eyes and look at you."

Wu Xie felt a bit light-headed. He really didn't want to entertain the idea, that he killed already so many times in his mind. But here it was again, like in that cursed day when they were sitting in front of that cursed fire and Xiaoge was looking at him... looking at him for so long as if he tried to remember every tiny detail on Wu Xie's face for some reason. Qiling knew then already that he won't see him for a while...

Wu Xie shook his head lightly. He laughed sadly, almost wanting to blurt something like "Well, mirrors didn't work for me."
But the way Xiaoge was looking at him... his eyes tracing Wu Xie's face, as if searching for something. He really didn't want to hide behind stupid jokes this time.

"I didn't want to think of you actually. Thinking of you really hurt."

Zhang Qiling's fingers slowly caressed the scars on Wu Xie's arm. He seemed to be contemplating something because his gaze trailed off for a moment. Then he finally said.

"I don't understand."

Wu Xie met his eyes and smiled softly.

"People say love works like that."

Wu Xie really expected much more reaction after that. Or any really. But instead Xiaoge's lips just pressed to the one of the pale lines as he still wistfully continued.

"But we just discussed how for me it works the other way."

Wu Xie's breath hitched, he felt like he was going insane. Was he hearing it right? The hand on Qiling's shoulder tightened as Wu Xie stuttered.

"X-Xiaoge, w-when.. when you said that I was the only thing that tied you to this world, did you mean I was like that thing from..."

Noticing the unimpressed frown on the handsome face, Wu Xie realized that he won't be able to explain it to Xiaoge from the example of some foreign movie. He stumbled not knowing how to say this. A great but at one point passable safe.. point?

"I thought you meant that for you I was... I am..."

"Wu Xie." Zhang Qiling uttered calmly, as if it perfectly well explained everything, and with such tone as if he just named some famous emperor. His voice then gotten even soften. "My only Wu Xie."

Wu Xie could've sworn his heart stopped for a second.

"I meant that I don't like being in this world. But because you're m..." Xiaoge paused for a moment. "...here, it's different now."

"So now you like this world?" Wu Xie tried to make it sound like joke, but his voice instead came out very weak.

The man in front of him though sounded as if he was just telling him that earth is round.

"No. Just you."

For a moment there was dead silence in the room, but then he continued.

"What I meant by that was that if you're no longer gonna be in this world, there's no reason for me to stay in it either."

Oh.

Wu Xie felt wetness on his cheek. He now was very scared. Scared that maybe he really died. Or was hallucinating again somewhere in the middle of the tomb. He tried to find something, anything inside of his head now to contradict what he was hearing.

"But you.. but you said 'no'."

Hand that was resting on his thigh moved up and sneaked around his waist. Wu Xie let out half sniff-half moan when Qiling pushed him even closer to his body. His other hand carefully whiped Wu Xie's cheek, brown eyes looking at him worriedly. All this time his favorite voice still sounded very soothing even though he noticed that Xiaoge looked somewhat tense as if he was scared that he was gonna do or say something wrong.

By the silent questioning gaze Wu Xie realized that he also apparently has no idea what he was talking about.

"When I asked you to..." Wu Xie blushed slightly, trying to find the right word. "..to be with me. You said 'no'. Angrily."

Another second of silence, then Zhang Qiling's eyes finally lit up with understanding, but then became still.

"You said 'since I'm dying and all'. And I said 'no'."

Wu Xie blinked at him.

"...Huh?"

"I would still say 'no' though. You weren't in your right mind."

"I so was. I didn't drink much."

"You were also sad and on the verge of.. dying." Last word was said so quiet and with so much loathing that Wu Xie almost laughed.

"So now you admit that I was dying?"

"No." Same angry tone, same angry look. But this time Wu Xie almost giggled. He didn't know why he hasn't noticed it that time, but it was really the same face he made when he and Pangzi were making jokes about his weak body catching cold in the rain that day.

As he chuckled slightly, his mind only now caught up to the fact that all this time while they were talking, Xiaoge was still inside of him. Wu Xie felt himself flush at that. He couldn't decide what in that scenario made them weirder.. this reality itself or the fact that both of them seemed not to only be okay with this, but so comfortable, that they even kind of managed to fight in this position.

Wu Xie leaned in to kiss the tightly clenched jaw. Then he softly pressed his lips to Xiaoge's, lightly brushing the tip of his tongue against the delicate skin. Qiling at that let out something that sounded like a hazy purr, as he immediately deepened the kiss, elegant fingers wrapping around Wu Xie's neck not allowing him to pull away.

Wu Xie let out a hiss when he felt Xiaoge twitching inside of him. Their lips still so close that their sharp hot breaths mixed together. Wu Xie brought the hand that was wrapped around his neck to his lips, kissing Qiling's palm and his wrist. He then slowly lowered it to his chest settling it near his heartbeat.

"Feel this?" Wu Xie's mouth slowly brushed Xiaoge's shoulder. "Still very much alive. Because of you."

That was the first time Wu Xie found out what kind of dirty talk Zhang Qiling loved.

***

"I... You.. You're still allowed to do m... I mean, do to me anything you want when I.. when I'm asleep."

There it was again. The same soft chuckle. Warm lips touched his cheek and Wu Xie sighed into the pillow. It's been three hours since they were all over each other and he thought he maybe passed out once there for a moment. He probably should've felt gross, considering the fact that he was covered in sweat, come, oil and saliva, but he didn't. He never ever felt so happy, sated and... high. Honestly he felt like his body wasn't quite his. He smiled lightly.. actually it wasn't fully his for the past several hours. Xiaoge... Xiaoge can have it.

He figured he was probably still talking because he felt a warm laughter hitting his neck, hand that was resting on his stomach pushed him back slightly, letting his back settle fully against Qiling's body.

"I think.. I think you made me drunk." Wu Xie murmured quietly with a satisfied sigh.