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This was going to be a long night.
The Weekly Game Night in the Watchtower had started off well enough, a few games of Cards Against Humanity of which The Flash managed to continue his hot streak, relying on dark yet comedic cards, followed by several nondescript drinking games with something called "White Lightning", a $1 bottle of cider that managed to taste how sewers smell. This was followed by many fruitier drinks to ward off the aftertaste (which was basically pure ethanol), a few rounds of MarioKart, An aborted viewing of a bollywood superman movie, ("It's flattering!" "Kal," "...It's the thought that counts?") and then finally, to the cursed game of FMK that they were currently playing.
Bruce sometimes forgot how famous he actually was, not only in Gotham, but even as far out as Central City. Dick had once described his status as "Kardashian-esque", and had subsequently spent 20 minutes explaining who they were, which only worried Bruce further. The truth was there weren't that many billionaires that he could hide behind, and with Metropolis being so close it was understandable that when picking the unfortunate victims of their newest game, his hat had fallen into the ring.
"Okay so: Ryan Reynolds, Henry Cavill, and Bruce Wayne. Fuck, Marry, Kill." Superman had said with nonchalance, as Batman imperceptibly tensed. He has prepared himself for the moment, and with such a line-up he could at least hope to be killed off.
If only Fate was so kind.
"Easy, Kill Reynolds, Marry Henry, and bang the Shit out of Brucie. No Question." Flash had replied, seemingly unwilling to elaborate.
"Really? Cavill is great and all, but I'd have thought you would prefer Reynolds' humour. But 100% agree with pegging Wayne, that man has the ass of a Greek God -no offence Diana- and I bet he would be up for a bit of hero worship if you know what I mean" Green Lantern smirked under his domino mask. Externally, Batman was expressionless, internally, he was calculating how much pain he could inflict on the green asshole without mortally wounding him.
"I dunno man, I guess buff guys do it for me, Henry has that upside-down triangle, dorito thing going on with his shoulders that kinda makes him look like Crash Bandicoot, and have you ever seen one of Bruce's work out selfies? He is JACKED, I mean, what I wouldn't give to play the bongos on that man's tits..." Flash retorted, placing his chin in his hands and romantically sighing.
"Wait wait, back up a sec, so you're telling me your type in men is Crash freaking Bandicoot?" GL responded incredulously.
"No, but I'm not going to kid myself and say if Mr Bandicoot offered I would turn him down." Flash retorted, as if what he had said made a modicum of sense.
"Ladies? are you going to weigh in? J'onn, any opinions??" Superman pleaded, veering Lantern and Flash away from their spiraling conversation and back to the topic at hand. Batman silently prayed this was the end of the game, as he watched Kal slowly losing control of the situation.
"Oh, this round isn't for us, not enough women involved." Diana politely replied, Hawkgirl nodding beside her, raising her glass, "Amen to that!"
J'onn simply shook his head, "What about you Superman? Who would you sacrifice?"
Superman was slightly concerned about the wordage but jotted it down to alien confusion, "Hmmmm, like Flash I would kill Mr Reynolds, but I would swap Cavill and Wayne. Henry seems nice to have an evening with, but to be honest I don't see the appeal, rubs me the wrong way I guess- Flash don't make a joke-. Bruce though? I don't think I'd ever get tired of that body. I mean, would one night with THE Bruce Wayne, international playboy and renowned slut really be enough? I mean if I'm going to be screwing Bruce Wayne, I want to do it on every surface in that damn mansion, and that takes time. Nope, marry him and you get to spend the rest of your life in his steamy embrace, also he's disgustingly rich, so I've basically bagged the worlds hottest sugar daddy. Win-Win." Superman added. Somewhere along the way, The whole room had gone silent. Batman's head was in his hands, the faintest blush on his cheeks.
"Jeez Supes, you're steaming up the windows in here!" Flash joked, pulling at the collar of his suit. Superman chuckled, but seemed to realise he hadn't gotten around to everyone.
"Oh if you think mine was good, I can't wait to hear who the great Batman would choose, and no, you can't weasel your way out of it." Big Blue added, all the eyes seemed to focus in on Batman, when he had a truly insane idea.
"Well, This might as well happen now."
Batman took off his cowl, toussling his hair and smoothing it back. He placed the cowl on the table and leaned back in his chair, content his idea would bring the desired results.
The room fell deadly silent for a second. Diana gasped, Lantern's eyes had blown wide, Hawkgirl hung her head in her hands, The Flash went so pale Bruce feared he might pass out, and Superman looked like he was about to scream.
Served them right.
"Ohmygodyou'reBruceWayneandIwastalkingabouthavingsexwithyouimsosorry" Supes blurted out, Flash had moved on to laughing hysterically and Lantern was making a noose with his ring.
"Oh don't apologise, what was it you were saying? Ah yes, we were going to 'do it on every surface in that damn mansion'. Although I suspect Alfred would complain about the mess, maybe we should try another idea..." Bruce purred, now using his signature playboy voice.
The reaction was priceless.
"I- uhhhh, um, ehem- well" Superman spluttered, blushing and sweating nervously. Bruce surmised he had never been overtly flirted with before, the poor thing.
"Come on guys, let's leave Big Blue and
Batm- Bruce alone, I wanna play Wii Bowling." Lantern stood and began to herd the rest of the league back to the lounge area, winking at Superman before he left. Kal looked to Diana for support, but she simply patted him on the shoulder and stage-whispered "use protection", before joining the others.
Supes barely had time to get flustered before the realisation hit him, "You revealed your identity. You trusted us. And you revealed it, because it was funny? Are you a doppelganger or something? Who are you and what have you done with the real Batman??" Superman said in mock interrogation, attempting to lighten the tense mood. Bruce sighed, meeting his eyes.
"I've trusted the league for a while now, and it seemed as good a time as any to prove that." Bruce said, trying to convey his usual Batman tone without the set dressing of the cowl and white eyes. "Plus," Bruce continued as he got up and leaned over the table, "It would be a shame not to study this new flirty yet flustered side of you." Bruce all but purred, deciding the usual growl wasn't appropriate for this kind of conversation.
After a brief pause, Kal seemed to bolden. "So this is purely academic for you then? you don't want me to make good on my promise?" Superman mock-questioned, throwing Bruce for a loop. Flirting back already? Batman could work with that.
~Fin~