Chapter Text
Chapter 1
The lady of Rosehall
She was quiet. Almost unbearably so, he could see why people might think that they were a good match; they both enjoyed being alone and she certainly liked sulking over this marriage as much as he did.
She barely even looked at him, he didn't hold it against her of course, she'd been forced into this marriage after the attack on the temple where she lived. The attack had been brutal, and she'd gotten the brunt of it, he should know he was there. He didn't regret killing the males, he only regretted scaring her because surely that was why she did her best not to be alone with him, that's why she avoided him and didn't talk to him. His wife was scared of him, and he didn't blame her.
He watched her from the other end of the table, barely tasting the food as he ate it. He hadn't wanted to marry her either, the marriage was forced upon them by the high lord of the night court. His closest friend - his brother, Rhysand’s father needed yet another way to control him, to contain him and he'd thought giving the formidable shadowsinger a wife and a grand estate would be funny.
He'd known of Azriel longing for his niece Morrigan so maybe this was punishment for that also, he hadn't even touched her. That was Cassian but Angus didn't care they'd all been punished even Mor herself, especially Mor.
Of course, they'd married him to Gwyn, a scared young priestess who couldn't stand to be around males anymore.
Angus knew all this of course and he found it even more hilarious, "You with a priestess can you imagine?" he'd snickered "I'm sure you'll work that holiness out of her in time" he said his tone dark "Give her something new to be devoted to. The temples don't want her now anyway, she's broken." He'd shrugged knocking back another whisky "If you think about it, I'm doing you both a favour. She needs someone to take her in and you need a female to keep yourself occupied with."
He'd grit his teeth but nodded, he knew better than to argue with his high lord never mind how much he hated him.
They'd been married almost a month now and he hadn't bedded her. He didn't want to. She was beautiful in a haunted sort of way, she was too skinny, too pale and there always seemed to be bags under her eyes from lack of sleep no matter how many sleeping tonics he instructed them to bring her.
He often heard her haunting the halls at night, her quiet footsteps hurrying past his door so she could spend her nights in the library. He'd found her in there a few times quietly reading by fae light or crying. He never said anything to her, never made his presence known to her but he knew she sensed him somehow, maybe it was the marriage bond, but she'd tense whenever he was near.
One of his shadows drifted over to her curiously and Gwyn watched its progress and when it was close enough, she held out her hand and let it weave between her fingers. That was another thing, his shadows adored her. They didn't miss an opportunity to nuzzle against her cheeks, play in her copper hair or dance at her shoulders. He didn't know if she understood them, they spoke to her he heard them chattering away but he wasn't sure if she heard them. On a few occasions she'd reacted to them, she'd sighed at their pestering that she sing for them and another time she'd muttered something he hadn't caught when they'd called her pretty.
"I have friends coming over tomorrow evening," he began before dinner was over because he knew the moment it was, she'd rush back to her rooms "Cassian and Mor, maybe Rhysand. You met them at the wedding."
"I remember." She said
"They won't be staying the night, but they will be here quite late. I'd like you to join us, if only for an hour and if you'd like to invite some friends over also you are welcome to of course."
She stared at him for a moment and his shadows began to chastise him.
'She doesn't know anyone shadowsinger. She never leaves the estate'
He suppressed his grimace. Right.
"I'll join you and your friend’s tomorrow night. Do you need me to prepare anything?"
"Mor and Cassian said they'd bring the wine so anything that you think will pair well with wine"
Gwyn had never had to manage a household before. She wasn't raised to be a wife or even with the foresight that she would one day have to manage a household, never mind this grand estate that she'd been tucked into so when she'd married, she'd scrambled for knowledge on what she was actually supposed to do.
She was hopeless at planning menus and arranging correspondence, but she excelled at interior design, Azriel had given her full reign to be kind or because he didn't want to do it she didn't know but she'd been grateful nonetheless but it was requests like this. When he asked her to pair stuff with wine she was lost. How was she supposed to know? She barely consumed alcohol at the temple or ate fine foods, so she was stuck.
From what little she knew about him she knew he hadn't grown up in finery either. Far from it. He was a lord's son sure, but he was his bastard son and his father had only kept him to punish his mother, to have power over her.
Gwyn had met his mother a week after they'd been married. Azriel had taken her to the cottage that she lived in not too far away from the estate. She was a bone thin woman with scared wings and crooked fingers that trembled as she held her tea. She didn't speak much; she wasn't really all there at all.
It was the first time that she'd wanted to touch her husband, when she'd seen the sorrow on his face, she'd wanted to hug him, to offer him comfort but she hadn't.
He wasn't a bad male. She'd met bad males and he certainly wasn't one of them but that didn't change the fact she'd been forced into marriage with him.
People talked about their marriage in Illyrian because they thought she couldn't understand the language.
On the eve of her wedding day, she'd heard him arguing with his friends on the floor above hers, her nymph heritage making the conversation clear to her.
The Illyrian maids had been gossiping about it too, as they brushed and curled her hair.
"So pretty," the one with the scar across her cheek tutted "at least she looks the part"
The other maid scoffed "No one cares if she looks the part. The only reason he's being forced to wed her is, so he'll bed her."
"You don't mean…"
"There's a war coming and he's the only shadow singer. The High lord needs his heirs, lots of them and soon"
"He's forcing the shadowsinger to marry so he can have his children." the woman with the scar said aghast and it was only because Gwyn was already shaking that they didn't notice her panic increase.
"No one knows where shadowsingers come from and I heard that she's a twin, that her mother conceived first try during the great rite, it says something about her fertility"
The mother maid snorted "So she's to be a broodmare?"
"She's to be a comfortable and nicely dressed broodmare"
"Who told you all this anyway?"
"The high lord took an interest in me; men will tell you anything after they've had you on your back"
The maid with the scar blushed, "Your terrible, he has a mate"
"He doesn't care so why should I?"
Gwyn kept her gaze on the vanity table hardly blinking as the maids conversed.
She'd promised herself then to never have a child with the shadowsinger.
Her wedding night had surprised her. Azriel had winnowed them to the estate, and she'd locked herself in the bathroom to cry instead of eating the meal that had been laid out for them.
He hadn't said a word about it and he hadn't sort her out that night or the night after but on the third day he'd sat her down,
"I'm not going to have sex with you unless we both want it" He said firmly "I need you to understand that, Gwyn. Do you understand?"
She stared at him fighting back tears "I understand…" it didn't make sense, but she wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
"The master suite is yours unless you don't like it then feel free to move to another room, the mother knows we have plenty to spare" he muttered the last part like he also hated all the space that they couldn't fill. "I won't enter your rooms unless you give me permission and I'd appreciate the same respect from you"
She nodded "Of course."
He held out his hand "Should we make a bargain?"
She stared at his hands running through everything he said.
"Is there anything you'd like to add?"
She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she thought about it. "You're not allowed to bed me unless we both consent, you can't enter my rooms without permission, and I can't enter your rooms either unless you say so and…"
"And?" He promoted
She opened and closed her mouth a few times. "...if I'm in danger I need you to let me know. The High priestess knew those soldiers were coming and she didn't tell us. I know what you do, I know it's not safe so if I'm in danger you need to tell me"
He considered her for a moment before he nodded once "We have a deal." she took his hand not even blinking at the scars, she'd held his hands before on their wedding day, so this wasn't new.
"Deal"
Her skin pickled and she rolled up her right sleeve and found a raven tattoo on the underside of her arm, underneath her elbow, the bird had its wings spread wide, but it was small, smaller than her thumb.
She looked to Azriel, and he inspected his own mark. "Fitting."
"...Can I go?"
"You don't need my permission" he said gently
She stood shakily "thankyou… goodnight"
"Sleep well.'' he returned knowing that she didn't.
She nodded "You to."
He nodded absently "Gwyn" he called just as she made it to the door.
"Yes?"
"You are safe here… with me"
She only lingered by the door a moment longer before leaving the room and going to bed.
*
Morrigan was the most beautiful female Gwyn had ever seen. Her hair was also bouncy and glossy and everything about her was just perfect and the first time she'd met her she'd thought that Mor was a better march for Azriel, they were both beautiful and powerful and Gwyn was nothing.
Now though the blonde female hugged her and complimented her on the decor of the lounge.
"I bought fruit cake for dessert"
"Dessert?" Gwyn repeated
"Oh, do you already have something planned? It's fine we don't have to eat it tonight"
"It's just uh… I didn't know you'd be staying for dinner" she grimaced and felt her cheeks flush "it's so late and Azriel said you were only coming over for drinks and that you'd be supplying the wine and we- we eat at 6 and it's nearly 9 so-"
"Gwyn," Mor cut her off "Don't worry about it, it's just a misunderstanding"
It was too late; her anxiety was already rising. She smiled tightly and nodded to Mor before hurrying to the kitchens.
She couldn't do this.
She couldn't do this.
She couldn't be a wife.
She couldn't run a household.
She couldn't even plan a fucking meal.
It was stupid to be so upset over the, but she couldn't help it. She wasn't cut out for this. This wasn't supposed to be her life. She clenched the countertop and exhaled.
"Gwyn?" Azriel stopped abruptly "...are you alright? My shadows said you were panicking."
She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment before she opened her eyes again and turned to him. "I haven't planned for a dinner. I have nothing prepared."
"That's okay, that's my fault I forgot to tell you that the plans changed we can just have the maids make something-"
"I sent them home." she began to pace "They have children you see, families of their own I didn't want to keep them here so late if there was no reason to" She explained
"Then we won't have dinner, it's not like Cas and Mor will starve" he said lightly like it didn't matter. Like she hadn't just ruined the whole evening.
"Gwyn."
She continued to pace.
"What did you prepare?"
She shook her head like she didn't want to tell him. A few of his shadows rushed towards her, reacting to her distress they nuzzled her neck and petted her cheeks until she stilled. "Cheese"
"Cheese." he echoed, and she almost started her pacing again, but he settled a hand on her shoulder. "Cheese is fine."
"It's Cheese and crackers and bread" she began to ramble "I didn't know what paired well with wine, so I read this book and it said that Cheese complimented wine, so I had the maids prepare it before they left."
"Cheese and crackers are fine," he assured her "You don't need to panic"
"You asked me to do one thing. One thing. And I can't even- urgh" she shook her head to herself turning away from him "I can't do any of the other wife stuff because I'm…" she swallowed "I should be able to do this though"
"No, Gwyn," he shook his head "it's alright"
"It's not alright!"
"I'm telling you it is," he insisted. "I should've been clearer. I should've let you know there was a change of plans. The blame is on me. Cassian and Mor will understand" he said calmly "and you don't need to be good at any of the wife stuff you don't even have to do any of the wife stuff we could hire someone to manage the estate."
"You don't get it," Gwyn muttered
"Gwyn-"
"You can't understand-"
"Of course, I can't you never speak to me-"
She scoffed "because you’re such a conversationalist"
"I'm not arguing with you." He said dismissively
He made her so angry.
"Fine." She flung the kitchen door open and found Cassian and Mor listening in the hallway. She glared at them "There's not going to be a dinner!" She snapped at them then rushed to her rooms.
"...You could've handled that better" she heard Cassian say
She was angry most of the time now.
When she was angry, she was sad and when she wasn't sad, she was numb. She wasn't happy. She hadn't been happy since her sister’s death months ago.
In her room she locked the doors and hugged a pillow to her chest and sobbed. She couldn't do this. She couldn't. She wanted to be gone. She wanted to have never existed, so she didn't feel this pain. She wished she had died in place of her sister. Catrin would know what to do. She'd live this life better than she ever could.
A knock sounded on her door. It was tentative and she knew who it was immediately.
"Gwyn...?" Azriel. "It's me… can I come in? Or do you want to come out so we can talk?"
She sniffled, wiping at her face. "What if I don't feel like talking?" God's she was being so childish.
"Then you don't have to talk."
She ran a hand through her hair and wrapped the blanket tightly around her shoulders before shuffling to the door. She opened it and found Azriel there. "Uh- you can come in" she said, remembering their bargain. She led him to the sitting room connected to her room.
She took a seat and he sat opposite her. "I'm not a very good husband."
"And I'm not a very good wife."
"You're trying." he murmured "but you grew up in a temple, your parents weren't married, and I spent my childhood locked in a dark basement by my stepmother and then I spent it in the Illyrian War camps.
"Azriel-" she breathed
"It doesn't matter now." He wrung his hands self-consciously knowing she was looking at them. "I know you're struggling and I'm so sorry you were forced into this. If I could get us out of it, I would.” he said honestly “but as long as the high lord lives I can't.”
"It's okay," she said softly. Things could be a lot worse for her and she knew it. If she hadn't been married to Azriel she probably would've been married to someone cruel, or she would've been made to work for the high lord as a servant it was a sacred law that priestesses were given protection in cases like hers, but it could've easily been ignored, and she would've just been stuck. Homeless and alone.
Azriel closed his eyes for a moment, and she looked away. "I know this isn't the sort of life you wanted."
She nodded numbly "I'm not who you wanted." He met her eyes for a moment, and she shrugged "Morrigan is very beautiful and powerful and bright-"
"No this isn't-“
"I'm not mad," she breathed "honestly I understand your allowed to want her, these things can't be helped."
"You’re my wife."
"Not by choice" she wrapped her arms around herself. "You’re under no obligation to love me."
He was though. They were married and that wasn't something he took lightly. She was his to protect, to cherish and to love; he could protect her just fine; it was the other two points that he just couldn't. He'd tried but they were so different, and she was scared of him.
"Come join us for wine." He said instead. "Even if it's just one drink. My friends want to know you"
"Okay." she agreed
Azriel exhaled in relief "Okay." he held his hand out to her and she accepted quietly letting him lead her to the lounge.
Mor smiled at her. "Gwyneth come sit with me," Gwyn eyed the sofa where she and Cassian sat. "We'll kick Cassian off." Mor offered, poking at him and telling him to move. He did so without complete settling next to Azriel
Hesitantly she sat down next to her smiling nervously. "It's uh- it's just Gwyn… no one really uh- calls me Gwyneth" the last person who regularly used her name was the high priestess at Sangravah. She was dead now.
"Oh alright. Gwyn. Azriel tells us you grew up in a temple? What was that like?"
Gwyn glanced at Azriel who offered her a reassuring nod. "It was loud, there were people everywhere and music playing all the time, it was nice, but I do enjoy the quiet here."
Mor nodded like she understood. "Did you always live there?"
Gwyn nodded "My mother uh- conceived my sister and I during the great rite"
"Oh" Mor said "This must be a big change for you then."
"It is," Gwyn agreed. Azriel handed her a glass of wine and she thanked him for taking a long sip. "I'm sorry for yelling at you."
"It's fine honestly" Mor said waving her off "I imagine being married to Az is stressful"
Gwyn didn't know how she was supposed to respond.
"It's uh… an experience…"
Mor snorted "I bet it is. He's so grumpy, isn't he? Don't worry he's always been like that" Mor patted her shoulder. "It's a male thing."
Gwyn smiled awkwardly. She wouldn't know. She didn't know males. She'd never been with a male, had no experience with them.
"Do you want some more wine?" Mor asked "I'll pour you some."
Gwyn waved her off "I've got it" She stood walking towards the cart with the glasses and alcohol. She glanced over her shoulder, finding them in conversation already. She poured herself some fire whisky and knocked it back. That was good stuff. She poured herself another glass, she noticed Azriel watching her this time, he looked away when she caught him, and she rolled her eyes.
She sat back down next to Mor this time with her, fire whisky in hand.
She tried to understand the conversation they were having, Cassian was talking about Autumn courts influence over spring court and Mor was nodding along, Azriel was observing them offering small tip bits of information.
Gwyn sat quietly. She has opinions of course she did but she doubted they'd be welcomed.
Catrin would listen to her. Fuck. She missed her sister.
Her stomach rolled uncomfortably at the thought. Her heart ached and her hands shook as she threw the rest of the whisky back. It wouldn't help but the burn was distracting.
"I'm going to bed." She said quietly, setting her glass down.
Nobody seemed to notice as she left but one of her husband’s shadows did nuzzle her cheek and wipe the tear dripping down her cheek away.