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Logan was feeling quite at peace, which he of course should have known wouldn’t last long. Especially considering a certain side was present.
“Logan!” The duke shouted from across the beach. “Stop being such a nerd and get in the lake!”
“I’d rather not, Remus,” he sighed, adjusting his glasses as what seemed to be a dead catfish was thrown at him. He sighed once again, closing his book and setting it to the side.
“Dude, he already said no,” Virgil said. Remus in turn stuck out his tongue and ran over to Roman, who’d been collecting stones with Patton.
“Yeah, don’t let Lo get you bogged down, kiddo!” Patton chirped, right as Roman was bowled over next to him.
Logan quickly tuned out of their activities, ignoring that they were at a lake and in fact not a bog. He idly brushed sand off his clothes, with the sound of Roman screaming in the background.
He’s fine, he thought resolutely, pretending his heart didn’t jump a bit at the sound. It’s just Remus being Remus.
He’d gotten better at that. What was it they said? ‘Fake it ‘till you make it’? Well, that was what he was determined to do. He could pretend he didn’t feel a jolt of fear every time Roman yelped when he dropped something. He could pretend he didn’t spend some nights staring at the ceiling, convincing himself that Patton was still okay. And he could pretend he didn’t start to shake a little whenever he looked at the water.
If it were any of the others, he knew he’d try to get them to talk about it, and to practice healthy coping mechanisms for… trauma. But he wasn’t any of the others, so it was fine. As long as he stayed very far from the water’s edge, he’d be perfectly fine. No reason to worry.
Of course, one could never not worry when Remus was around, as much as he wished it weren’t true. He could hear him and the others several yards away. Probably trying to — drown each other. Playfully.
And then suddenly he couldn’t breathe.
This is most definitely not fine! He thought in a panic. It was dark, and cold, and he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see.
He could feel his heart beating in his chest as he desperately attempted to swim to the surface. He was underwater, that’s fine, that’s fine, he just needed to figure out which way was up-
He broke the surface, and quickly took a deep breath. He’d never struggled to swim before, but he’d never quite tried to do so while the only thing he could focus on was the water around him, on his face, dragging him back down-
“ Logan !” Virgil shouted, “O h go d , oh god, h o ld on!” He heard more shouting from the shore, and a splash somewhere next to him.
There was a terrifying moment when a wave crashed over him, and he was submerged once again, before he was being tugged back above the water.
“Hey, you’re okay, you’re good, it’s okay,” Virgil rambled, to the point where it seemed more like it was for his own benefit rather than Logan’s. Either way, he appreciated it, as it helped him ignore the way breathing was much more difficult then it had been a few minutes ago.
With Virgil’s help, he managed to get back to the shore without too much issue, but his heart was still beating a bit too erratically for his liking.
“You with me, Lo?” Virgil murmured. He nodded shakily, glancing over at the others. He couldn’t quite make out what was being said, but it certainly seemed like Remus wasn’t enjoying it.
He took a deep breath, then another for good measure. “I’m fine, Virgil,” he said. The other side was thankfully gracious enough to ignore the tremble in his voice, instead opting to guide him farther from the waterline. While he didn’t need the physical support, he definitely didn’t mind the emotional support.
“Ugh! I can’t believe him!” Roman was a bit too suddenly beside them, conjuring up two towels for them both, causing Virgil to flinch. “Are you okay Specs?”
“Yes, I’m fine.” An eyebrow was raised at him, but he continued. “You should not be too upset with your brother. We didn’t tell him or Janus what happened, so you can’t expect them to know what is… acceptable or not.” He reluctantly took a step away from Virgil to wrap the towel around himself.
“Either way, he shouldn’t have tossed you in the lake when you had clearly stated your position on the matter,” Roman muttered. “Patton’s hopefully giving him an earful.”
“Really, it’s fine, Roman.” Virgil gave him a deadpan stare.
“Yeah, totally dude. And if Janus was over here he’d definitely agree.”
“Logan!” The three turned to see Patton jogging over. “How you feeling, kiddo?”
Logan rolled his eyes. “I am fine, as I’ve told both Roman and Virgil.” Patton pursed his lips, but nodded.
“Well, I think I’m done for today. How about we all go back and we can have a nice movie night? That sound okay?”
“Yeah, I agree with Pat,” Roman said. “I don’t think any of us want to keep going after that one.”
“I certainly wouldn’t be opposed to Patton’s suggestion, no,” he admitted. Patton gave him a smile, and Virgil quickly pressed back up against his side as they followed Roman out of the Imagination.
Patton wouldn’t say he was traumatized. That was way too strong a word! He was just… reluctant to sit on Janus’s left side at dinner, or to spend too much time away from the others, or…
Ok, maybe he was a bit affected by what happened, but it’s not like he was the only one, so it was fine!
He took a quiet steadying breath as he set down Janus’s plate, before quickly rounding to his other side to sit down. If he gave Patton a look, they could just pretend he hadn’t and move on.
Besides, dinner was a quick affair after what had happened the other day. He felt a little bad for getting upset with Remus, but he couldn’t help it! He’d seen Logan go under and he just… his heart stopped for a second. He froze. Before Virgil had rushed in to help, he’d just been staring out at the ripples in the water.
He couldn’t help but feel like it was his fault. He knew it wasn’t, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of bad he got whenever he thought about it. Logan obviously didn’t care, but then again he probably didn’t even know, about it, and he was still a bit shaken up.
He looked at Logan’s plate as he cleaned up the table. He hadn’t given him as much as normal, and he still hadn’t eaten it all. He didn’t want to push him into feeling better, but it was concerning to say the least. He’d seemed to recover relatively quick from the event, but he’d been a bit shaky the days since. He didn’t eat as much, didn’t talk as much, he’d even held Patton’s hand while they were on the couch earlier!
And yeah, they’d all been more touchy since everything had happened, but Logan had always been the least affected out of the four of them. Seeing him still so shaken was… well it was a little scary, to be honest.
“Padre? You good?” He looked up from where he’d been staring at the sink.
“Oh! Yeah, I’m fine Roman. What’s up?” He quickly dried off his hands and walked up next to Roman to grab his hand.
“Well you’d been staring at the dishes as though they’d personally offended you, and while I wouldn’t hesitate to defend your honor, I thought I should see if you were okay first.” He pulled Patton closer and rested his chin on the top of his head.
Patton snuggled into the hug with a little sigh. “Yeah, I just… was thinking about the other day. And all that.”
“I see,” Roman said. He was silent for a moment, before taking a breath. “Anything we can do to make you feel better, perhaps?”
“I mean,” he started. “There’s one thing, but…”
“But what?” Roman pulled way to look at him. He shuffled a little, looking at the floor. “Come on, I’m sure whatever it is it can’t be that bad.” He sighed.
“I used to do some gardening whenever I got stressed, but…”
“Oh. I can see why that might be an issue, yes,” Roman muttered. Patton shuffled back into the hug, closing his eyes. He couldn’t help but imagine scales slithering in the underbrush, rustling leaves all around him, a barely audible hissing from somewhere he couldn’t quiet pin down. He could almost feel his shoulder sting.
“Obviously I know there can’t be anything there unless I want there to be, I just…” he trailed off sullenly.
“Well, why don’t we do it anyway!” Patton tensed. “Only if you want to, of course!”
“I don’t know, Ro…” he mumbled, twisting his hands together. “I mean, there’s plenty of other things I’m sure we can do.”
“But you used to love your garden!” Roman argued. “I’ll come with you, and I won’t let anything get near you!”
He shifted a little, but didn’t say anything else. He… did really want to start gardening again but… even the thought of going back made him shake. He looked back up at Roman, who’s gaze softened considerably.
“What if… we started a new one?” Patton blinked.
“Like, a new garden? From scratch?”
“Yeah!” Roman enthused. “If we just start with dirt and stuff, and work our way up from there, you could get used to it gradually! I’m pretty sure Logan said something like that, at least…”
It…sounded like a good plan. He was still pretty hesitant but, maybe with Roman there it might not be so bad?
“Yeah, I think I could do that,” he smiled. “You’d help, right?”
Roman smiled back. “Of course, Pat.”
Virgil hadn’t expected anyone else to be in the kitchen at 4am, but he wasn’t necessarily complaining.
“Hey Princey,” he muttered. Roman gave him a nod in return, so he grabbed two glasses just for good measure.
He handed over one of the glasses of water, and Roman gave him another nod from where he was leaned on the counter. Now, Virgil wasn’t really one to judge people for staring into the void blankly, it was just that it was usually his job, not Roman’s, so he set down his cup and leaned on the counter next to him.
The contact seemed to help, because after a few minutes, he finally took a couple sips of water. After a few more minutes, he set the cup down, so Virgil took it as his cue to speak.
“So what’re you up for?”
Roman blinked. “Eh. Couldn’t sleep. You?” He shrugged.
“Same.”
Roman stared for a few moments more, before taking an arm and wrapping it around his shoulders. “Any… particular reason, in your case?” He asked softly.
He thought for a while. Technically there was, but… “it’s. Its dumb.”
“I doubt that,” the other side scoffed. He sighed.
“I just. It’s just when I’m alone I… worry about you guys. More than I used to, that is. Like, what if one of you needs help, or- or you’re hurt, or in danger- and I’m not there? W-what am I supposed to do?” He took a shaky breath. “I just. Need to make sure you guys are safe.” Roman gave an understanding nod. Out of the other sides, he’d probably be able to most relate to wanting to protect the others. Patton obviously wanted to take care of them, but taking care of and protecting weren’t really the same.
It was nice to have someone with a similar issue.
“And,” he continued after he’d calmed down, “I also keep… seeing. Things. Just in the corner of my eye, it’s like… a little flash, and I freak out. So. Yeah. Can’t sleep.”
Roman seemed to know what he meant, at least. He knew it sounded crazy, but he just kept seeing — or, thinking he sees — something in the corner of his eye. In the corner of the room. Sometimes he turns around only to whip right back around because he could’ve sworn he felt a shiver run by. And it’s always worse when he’s by himself.
“Doesn’t sound very dumb to me,” Roman whispered.
“Whatever, Princey.”
“I’m just saying. It affected all of us.”
And if that wasn’t true. What happened with Logan had them all shaken up, partly because Logan himself was still shaken up. It didn’t really surprise Virgil that the logical side would have the reaction he did. He was always suppressing his emotions, so he calmed down fairly quickly, but made it worse for himself in the long run. He wouldn’t be surprised if he stayed like this for another week, maybe even two. And of course they’d all noticed Patton avoiding Janus, as much as he tried to hide it.
Virgil thought for a moment, then scoffed, leaning his head onto the shoulder next to him. “Oh yeah? What about you then? How have you been doing?”
“Well… pretty good,” yeah sure dude, “I mean, sure, sometimes I see Patton stumble a bit and I panic a little, sometimes I’m in the imagination and I can’t stand to hold my sword. One time I saw a bat and I just absolutely freaked. But…. Nothing I can’t handle.” Considering Roman had tensed and pulled Virgil closer throughout him saying that, it was hard to believe.
“Whatever you say.” After that they were both silent for a long time. Virgil eventually finished his water, leaning farther into Roman’s side.
“…would it perhaps help you to… be with one of us, to sleep?”
He sighed, shifting. “I mean, yeah, all our sleep overs in the first week I was fine.” Roman nudged him, and he rolled his eyes. “Well, better than now. But I can’t just always be with one of you, for your sake and mine.” Roman was silent for a few moments.
“Eh. Seems like a Logan problem to me.”
Virgil finally turned to look at him, and saw him smiling at him already, so he gave him the ‘ what in the world does that mean ’ look.
“We can make him figure out a way around that. Tomorrow, because it is 5 in the morning and we’re not dealing with it right now.”
“Fair.”
“Tonight, why don’t we listen to Disney songs until we both fall asleep?” Virgil looked at Roman. He was obviously hiding how he felt, but. Nothing new about that. He wouldn’t admit it, but he probably wanted Virgil to accept as much as Virgil himself did. So…
“…that sounds good, yeah. Thanks, Princey.”
Roman was not fine.
He would admit it! He’d been doing so well talking to people! You know, before everything happened, that is.
So sure, he wasn’t quite his fabulous self. And maybe Patton would recommend getting some rest, taking a break. But he couldn’t. It wasn’t that he was avoiding sleep necessarily, he just preferred to stay up at night. And during the day. He was a busy guy, what could he say! And he liked the quiet of the mindscape at night. It let him think.
Now, thinking might possibly be the worst thing for his mental health, but no one was there to stop him so he didn’t. He was pretty sure that was one of Newton’s laws or something, so it was just fact.
Except for the time there was someone there. Which seemed to be this time, considering the sharp tug in his chest.
Really, Thomas? He thought. 2am? He wasn’t really surprised, just… miffed was a good word.
He sighed, before appearing in Thomas’s living room. “Good… morning, Thomas! What do you require of me this lovely 2:13 in the morning?” Their center had the decency to grimace apologetically.
“Uh, sorry, I just didn’t think you’d be asleep anyway…” dang, just because it was true did it mean he had to point it out.
“Well, yes, that’s… true. Continue.”
“Right! I just, uhm. I wanted to talk to you for a second?” Roman quirked an eyebrow, walking over to sit next Thomas. He gestured for him to speak. “So, you’re in charge of making my dreams, right?”
Ah. He could already see where this was going, and he definitely didn’t want to have this conversation right now. Or ever, preferably. But he nodded anyway, clasping his hands together in his lap.
“Yeah, so recently my dreams have been… patchy? Like a little jumbled- Well, more than a little…”
Roman gave a short laugh. “Oh! Apologies Tomathy, I barely even noticed! It seems I’ve been spending a bit too much time with Virgil, you know what he says, ‘you can never be too cautious’, right?” His laugh trailed off when he saw the look Thomas was giving him.
“Are you okay, Roman?” His center took one of his hands in his own. “I know you guys have been having a bit of a difficult time after what happened.
“Of course I’m alright,” he said, turning away. “Just trying to be careful. Must have overdone it a little bit, nothing to worry about.”
“It’s been more than ‘a little bit,’ dude.” Roman bit his lip. “Seriously. What’s wrong?”
What a question. Where to even begin? He couldn’t stop Remus from dumping Logan in the lake. He’d absolutely stumbled his way through comforting Patton. When he tried to help Virgil he’d ended up just standing there. And to top it off, all of it was his fault to begin with!
If he hadn’t let Virgil go up that fourth tower. If he’d killed that snake faster. If he’d thought to check for its drops. If he’d helped Logan in the third tower. He didn’t know how but he should’ve found a way. If he’d just been able to get them out of there in the first place!
“I just… I just want to make sure it doesn’t happen again,” he said carefully. “I didn’t mean for it to make that much of a difference.”
“Roman, I couldn’t care less about how weird my dreams are, I care about you.” Thomas took his chin and gently made him look at him. The soft smile he was being given was not deserved in the slightest what the heck Thomas. “Come on. Talk to me.”
“I-. It-… it’s… my fault ,” he said with a breath. He bit his lip, feeling tears already beginning to well up in his eyes.
“It’s not.”
“It is -“
“No, it’s not,” Thomas said firmly. “If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine for getting so obsessed over some game that it affected you guys this badly.”
“No!” He objected. “You can’t possibly blame yourself for that, Thomas!”
“Then you can’t blame yourself when you were just making a dream with what you had. It wasn’t your fault that that was the only thing on my mind.” He used a thumb to wipe the tears from his cheek.
“But… if I had just-“
“Ah! None of that. None of that, Roman.” He squeezed their conjoined hands. “It wasn’t your fault. Say it with me.”
He scoffed, rolling his eyes, “Thomas, I’m not a child.”
“This is something I do. Am I a child?”
“Well-“ he spluttered, “no, of course not, but-“
“Say it with me, Princey,” he repeated softly.
He sighed. “It… it wasn’t. My fault…” he muttered. Thomas smiled
“You’re right. It wasn’t.” He was carefully pulled into a hug. “I’m glad you know that.”
Roman was not crying. He was a Prince! Princes didn’t cry!
Thomas rubbed his back softly. “It’ll be okay, Roman. Maybe it’s not right now, but it will be. I promise.”
…maybe he was crying. Just a little.