Chapter Text
“C’mon Finn, don’t be such a baby,” Clarke pinched the bridge of her nose. “Obviously Bellamy was joking. Him and I would make a horrible couple. You know you’re my guy,”
Lexa flipped the page of her music theory textbook and turned down her music, pretending not to hear the conversation. Finn was mad about Clarke going alone with some joke Bellamy made about the two dating, the boy mad that his girlfriend didn’t immediately shut Bellamy down.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll talk to him,” Clarke conceded, tired of hearing her boyfriend’s whining. “He won’t do it again. I promise,”
Clarke bid Finn goodbye and threw her phone on the bed, herself shortly following. She let out a dramatic sigh, running a hand down her face. Lexa took off her headphones before turning towards Clarke, chin resting in her hand.
“Never get a boyfriend, Lexa,” Clarke said, voice low and serious. “They can be so fucking annoying,”
“That won’t be a problem,” Lexa smiled. Clarke looked over at her, confused, before cracking a grin.
“My bad. You lucky bitch,” Clarke propped herself up on her forearms, looking at her roommate who was sitting on the bed adjacent to her. “You know Bell was joking, right?”
“He proposed to you with an onion ring and said ‘let’s do this damn thing,’ so yes, I knew it was a joke,” Lexa assured the blonde. “Finn was just overreacting,”
“Understatement of the century,” Clarke sighed. “I swear, he should be in the theater club with all the drama he has around him,”
“Are you still going out with him tonight?”
“I guess,” Clarke shrugged. “I got nothing else to do. Might as well try to smooth things over,”
“But you didn’t do anything wrong,”
“I know that, but sometimes you gotta pick your battles,” Clarke clapped her hands together and jumped off her mid-lofted bed, landing on the ground with a thud. “I’m going to the dining hall to get some food, want to come?”
“You go ahead, I’m not super hungry,” Lexa said. Clarke nodded as she put on her shoes, grabbing her keys and student ID before she left the room. When Lexa was sure that the girl was gone and out of an earshot, she got off her bed and pulled out the black guitar case she kept underneath.
It’s not that Lexa didn’t like playing in front of other people, she didn’t like to play in front of Clarke, the main reason being that most of the songs she wrote were about the blonde herself. She flipped through pages of her notebook, fondly smiling at some of the favorites she had written recently.
Teardrops on my Guitar, Sparks Fly, Enchanted, I’m Only Me When I’m With You, Jump Then Fall.. All love songs. All about Clarke. Some people (her cousin, Anya) would call her creepy for this, but it’s the best way that Lexa is able to express her emotions. She finds songwriting therapeutic and a way for her to process her emotions. Without it, she would probably be in denial about loving Clarke. And besides, there’s no way anyone would ever hear these songs. They were for Lexa only.
She opens to a fresh page and uncaps her pen, lyrics already forming in her mind. That part came naturally to her, as well as playing the guitar.
You’re on the phone with your boyfriend, he’s upset. He’s going off about something that you said ‘cause he doesn’t get your humor like I do
Lexa heard keys turning in the door and quickly stuffed her notebook under her pillow. The guitar was too big to hide, so she had nothing to do but shift it to the side awkwardly.
“I forgot my- oh, hey, are you practicing?” Clarke asked, a smile dancing on her face as she saw Lexa with the instrument. “I haven’t seen you with that thing in forever,”
“Just rehearsing for one of my classes,” Lexa lied, sort of. She did have a song due at the end of the month for class, but that wasn’t what she was working on, at least not for now.
“If you want an audience, I’d love to hear it,” Clarke told her, reaching over her desk to grab her wallet. “I remember when you used to carry that guitar with you everywhere. You were that girl on the quad surrounded by admirers, singing her heart out,”
“I was not,” Lexa protested, remembering her freshman year. “You make it sound so embarrassing, it wasn’t like that,”
“Whatever you say,” Clarke grinned cheekily. “You were so that girl,”
“I happen to remember you being a part of that group of admirers,”
“Oh, I totally was. You’re a rockstar, babe,” Clarke laughed, causing Lexa to blush. “Are you sure you don’t wanna come to the dining hall? Rae and O were going to meet me there,”
“I’ll come,” Lexa agreed, putting her guitar on its stand next to her bed. She took her hair out of her messy bun and ran her hands through it, pushing up her glasses as she did so.
Clarke offered Lexa one of her AirPods as they walked to the dining hall, playing some new Cardi B song. It was music Clarke only listened to when Finn wasn’t around, the boy claiming that women couldn’t rap.
Clarke hummed along to the rap, a slight skip to her step. Lexa was glad that the girl wasn’t letting her boyfriend’s outburst get to her. She must be used to it by now, Lexa thought, which was rather sad.
Lexa couldn’t understand how someone as amazing as Clarke could be with someone like Finn. The two had been going out since their junior year of high school, both receiving sports scholarships to the same university, and decided to do the college experience together as a couple. Clarke had been going out with him for as long as Lexa knew her, but over the last few years she noticed Clarke growing increasingly irritated with her boyfriend. She had confided in Lexa that Finn had always been rather jealous, but that it became a little more uncontrollable when they reached college.
Lexa finds comfort knowing that Finn wasn’t always a whiny little bitch, and that once he and Clarke were truly happy. Sure, that was the teenage days of their youth before college and more adult-like issues, and now Lexa was sure that Clarke deserved so much more.
Walking next to Clarke, she began thinking of some lyrics that may fit with the song she was working on to the blonde. Of course, she would never show it to her, so Lexa omits telling her about what’s going on in her mind. Instead, she sits by Clarke as the girl rants to their friends about her boyfriend, before turning their attention to tonight’s football game.
You wear short skirts I wear T-shirts, you’re cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers
Clarke asks Lexa to come to every football game, the cheerleader wanting her roommate and best friend there for moral support. Lexa went to every game since freshman year, not caring much for football but wanting to be there because Clarke wanted her there. She stood in her old university t-shirt (the only piece of school spirit wear she had) and a cardigan sweater, the crisp autumn air being quite chilly this time of year. Clarke saw her on the bleachers and waved, pom-poms shaking in the air as she did so. Lexa giggled and waved back.
Their friendship started freshman year when they were assigned as random roommates. They messaged back and forth a few times on Facebook before classes started, and by the time they moved into the dorms, they were already friends.
Lexa didn’t want to fall for Clarke, but by the end of her first semester she found the blonde occupying most (all) of her thoughts. But the girl had a long-term boyfriend who followed her to college, and Lexa was the lovestruck girl who wrote silly secret love songs in her diary.
Octavia took the seat next to Lexa, handing the girl a beer from the concession stand. Her and Lexa spent the football games together, Octavia’s older brother being a linebacker on the team and her crush being a wide receiver. Unlike Lexa, Octavia was really into football, the entire Blake family supporting Bellamy through his Pop Warner, high school, and college career as well as being die-hard Giants fans.
The two girls watched as the football team broke through their banner, music blaring and fans cheering. Finn ran to the front of the bleachers and began dancing, thrusting and gyrating his hips to hype up the crowd. The fans went wild, causing a commotion around Lexa and Octavia. Lexa rolled her eyes while Octavia laughed.
“Oh god, he looks like such a jackass,” she mocked, imitating the ridiculous dance moves. This caused Lexa to laugh, her friend’s disdain for Finn even more apparent than hers.
Cause he wears RayBans I wear glasses, he’s football captain and I’m on the bleachers, dreaming bout the day when you wake and find that what you’re looking for…
She doesn’t like to compare herself to Finn, but sometimes she finds herself doing it anyway. The football captain was boyishly handsome with a smile that made girls swoon. His status as quarterback and captain made him the most popular boy on campus, an All-American boy with a bright football future ahead of him. To some, he was a dream, but Lexa saw the other side to him, the sleazy, overprotective, and short tempered side of him. It was far from a dream.
But Clarke loved him, for some reason, so Lexa has to believe somewhere, deep, deep down there is a good person. And hey, he was a decent quarterback.
Lexa entertained the lyrics in her head, toying with them as she watched Clarke and the cheerleaders do flips and twirls while the game played in the background. Octavia raged next to her, getting intensely into the game.
When Polis scored a touchdown, Octavia jumped up and cheered, snapping Lexa out of her train of thought as she was knocked into by her friend. Octavia grabbed Lexa’s hands and pulled her up, jumping as she did so in excitement. Lexa couldn’t help but smile at her friend’s joy and joined in, also cheering for the team.
She looked over at the cheerleaders again and saw Clarke beaming at her, a wide smile on her face and her eyes sparkling. They locked eyes for a moment, Clarke sticking her tongue out at Lexa before flashing the girl a peace sign. It sent butterflies to Lexa’s stomach.
…has been here the whole time
*
Monday morning meant early classes for Lexa and no classes for Clarke. Lexa would move quietly around their room to try and not disturb the cheerleader, getting dressed and gathering her things before slipping out of the room.
Her first class of the day was Songwriting with Professor Kane. Kane was a teacher that was hard to impress. The songs that were required for his class needed to include some kind of depth or story, not any of the repetitive pop songs heard on the radio. This was Lexa’s third time taking a course taught by him, and she feels like his teachings and critiques help make her a better songwriter.
The only part Lexa hated about the class was that Kane made them post their songs to YouTube to help “boost confidence” with views and likes. Lexa’s videos didn’t get a lot of views, but she didn’t mind. The songs she wrote for class were usually slow and somber, not exactly songs you can scream sing in your car while you drive with the windows down. She wrote those songs, but those were just for fun. She didn’t think she could become a successful songwriter if she put out a song about her nonexistent love life.
Kane was lecturing about how he wants the next song they write to show some kind of raw emotion, to which Lexa sighs. Kane could be so vague when it came to his prompts, which could be nice sometimes because it gave Lexa free range, but that also meant the grading was harder and had to meet his standards.
Lexa began playing around with some ideas in her head, thinking about how her last song about her grandparents got her a solid B on the presentation, a feat that was hard to come by in Kane’s class. She figured she could write another historical-like song, considering how much she enjoyed it last time. She made a mental note to google some interesting people during her break period.
After her classes finished she made her way to the cafe off campus. Grounders was a hotspot for students and struggling artists alike, and it was one of Lexa’s favorite places to think. The owner, Gustus, sometimes let Lexa stay late into the night, trusting her enough to lock up the place.
She sat down at her usual table, ordering a large iced coffee from Gustus. Opening her song notebook and reading over the lyrics she wrote the previous day, inspiration struck and she began to jot down lyrics, scratching out ones she hated and circling ones she loved.
She was so in the zone that she didn’t notice Clarke and Raven entering after cheerleading practice. Clarke had to wave her hand in front of Lexa’s face to get her attention.
“Sorry to break your focus,” Clarke smirked. “You get this little crease in between your eyebrows, it’s cute,”
“Can I see what you’re writing?” Raven asked, reaching for the notebook. Lexa quickly snatched it away, holding the notebook close to her chest. “Jeez, sorry. I forgot. Your songs are like your diary,”
“Precisely,” Lexa nodded. “But you’re welcome to listen to the songs on my YouTube channel Kane makes me run,”
“Who do you think is in your comments hyping you up?” Raven smirked. “I have the notifications set for when you post. I like to pride myself on being your biggest and only fan,”
“I’m a fan of her stuff,” Clarke chimed in, taking a sip from Lexa’s coffee. “It’s really good. No one I know can play guitar like her,”
“Thanks,” Lexa said, slightly letting go of her grip on the notebook. She slipped it in her bag and pulled out her laptop, intending on searching for her next song topic. Clarke and Raven talked and complained about their coach, Pike, who made a girl cry today for not having high enough kicks. Octavia joined them soon after, giddy because she was able to talk to Lincoln after their biochem lecture.
“Speaking of love, how did it go with Finn last night?” Raven asked, leading Clarke to groan.
“Alright, I guess. He was still mopey about the joke Bellamy pulled, but, I think we’re working through it,”
“What’s there to work through?” Octavia scoffed. “Dude needs to get a sense of humor, even if it kills him,”
“O,” Clarke warned.
“Alright, I’m sorry. But I really don’t understand why you’re with him, you can’t stand him,”
“Four years is a long time,” Clarke sighed. Her three friends shared a glance with each other, not wanting to upset their friend but also knowing that’s not a good enough answer.
“Especially if you’re unhappy,” Raven muttered under her breath.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing, Princess,”
*
Satisfied, Lexa hit the ‘End’ button on her laptop, stopping her second recording for the night. The first was her assignment for Kane, a historical song about the heir to Standard Oil. The second was her song to Clarke, which she titled You Belong With Me.
She’s about to post her assignment video to YouTube when Clarke comes into the room with Finn in tow. They were arguing. Lexa slammed her computer shut, startled by the abrupt entrance. Clarke wasn’t supposed to be back right now.
“Please, Clarke, I just want it to be you and me tonight. We could chill at my place, drink some beers-”
“And I told you I want to dance, Finn. You just won a big game, don’t you want to celebrate?”
“We can celebrate together, the two of us,”
Clarke sighed, not wanting to admit defeat this time. She noticed Lexa in the room, the musician silently observing what was happening in front of her. Clarke’s eyes lit up.
“I already promised Lexa I would go with her to the party, and we planned this a while ago,”
“Lexa doesn’t go to parties,” Finn whined. Clarke shot Lexa a pleading look, tugging at her ear. This was a sign between the two of them to signify they were uncomfortable.
“Oh, yeah. I’m going to this one,” Lexa cut in, getting off her bed and walking towards the couple. “I was actually just about to get ready. So…”
Lexa and Clarke waited expectantly, shifting their bodies towards the door. Finn stared at them dumbly.
“Leave so she can change, genius!” Clarke snapped, causing Finn to glare at her.
“Fine. I’ll wait outside,”
“Yeah, don’t do that. I’ll see you at the party,” Clarke slammed the door behind him, knocking her head against it before letting out an exaggerated sigh. When she no longer heard Finn’s footsteps, she turned towards Lexa and gave her a guilty look.
“Thank you so much, I promise I’m going to make it up to you,” Clarke said apologetically. Lexa shook it off.
“It’s okay. I guess The Walking Dead can wait. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten fucked up,”
“Oh thank god,” Clarke breathed. “I wouldn’t want to drag you there if you didn’t want to go. This makes it a whole lot easier. Would you mind if Octavia and Raven came over to pregame?”
“Not at all,” Lexa said, going through her racks of clothes. “As long as you help me with my makeup,”
“Of course, but you don’t need any, gorgeous,”
Lexa stopped, heart beating rapidly. She hated that her brain turned into a pile of gay mush whenever Clarke said something remotely flirty.
“I was thinking I’ll put in my contacts and try a smokey eye,” Lexa continued, ignoring Clarke’s comment as best she could. “Do you think that would look nice?”
“I think it would look beautiful,”
Raven and Octavia walk in to Clarke almost straddling Lexa, face inches from hers as she applied eyeliner to the girl’s lids. Used to this, the girls made their way to Clarke and Lexa’s minifridge, pulling out a bottle of tequila and some limes.
“Make sure you don’t ruin your lipstick,” Clarke reminded Lexa when she finished and Raven handed them shots. They clinked their glasses before downing the shots, Clarke laughing at the face Lexa made.
“Ugh, that’s disgusting,” Lexa grimaced, biting into the lime. “Can’t believe you enjoy that,”
“It’s because you’re doing it wrong, here,” Clarke poured Lexa another shot before adding salt to the back of her hand and sticking a lime between her teeth. She held up her hand to Lexa, words coming out jumbled. “Lick this,”
Lexa obliged, the salt coating her tongue before opening her mouth. Clarke poured the shot down Lexa’s throat then stuck the lime between her teeth, encouraging Lexa to bite it. Lexa felt her heart drop to her stomach as her and Clarke’s lips brushed briefly before she bit down on the lime and pulled away, the sour taste overpowering the alcohol.
Clarke gave her a satisfied smile. “Better, right?”
Lexa nodded, feeling a slight buzz from the alcohol mixed with what happened. Raven let out a wolf-whistle. “That was hot,”
Clarke flipped her hair over her shoulder, giving Raven a sly grin. “Thank you,”
“You okay, Lexa?” Octavia teased, sending her friend a knowing look which caused the green eyed girl to cough awkwardly.
“Just a little tipsy. Not used to the feeling yet,”
Clarke cupped her cheeks, giving them a reassuring pat. “You’ll be okay. I’ll look out for you. And if you feel like going home, just tell me and we’ll go, okay?”
“No she won’t, because Lexa’s going out tonight,” Raven fist pumped the air, downing another shot. “This is so rare. We gotta remember this, or not remember this if you know what I mean,”
“We are not blacking out, it’s a Sunday night,” Clarke stated.
“Okay, but hear me out, we are blacking out,” Raven retorted.
“I second that,” Octavia chimed in. “Black out or back out, baby,”
“That is an incredibly unhealthy saying,” Lexa gawked.
“We’re only in college once, live a little,” Raven urged, handing Lexa another shot. “Of course, we aren’t peer pressuring, cause that’s not cool. But if you want to black out and go crazy,” she raised her eyes suggestively at Lexa. “Be my guest,”
“Maybe not blackout,” Lexa decided, taking the shot from Raven. “But I will get drunk. Maybe not crazy, but drunk,”
“Fine with me,”
*
Lexa is pleasantly drunk at the party when she’s reminded of the assignment that was due at midnight. Freaking out, she searches for her friends, trying to find one of them to inform them of her dilemma. Octavia is the first one she finds, the girl talking to a group of football players that included Lincoln. She was less than thrilled when Lexa pulled her away.
“I forgot to post my YouTube video for Kane!” she exclaimed. Octavia, in her drunken state, starts to freak out with Lexa.
“Oh shit, dude, you better run home! Go, Lexa, and don’t stop till you get there!” Octavia blubbered, pushing Lexa towards the door. “But remember to come back! If not, I’ll find you! And I’ll make you come to another one of these!”
Lexa barely heard her threats as she ran out of the frat house towards her dorm. Out of breath, she collapsed at her desk, opening her computer to her Web browser. All she had to do was upload the video and hit ‘post.’
It was something that Sober Lexa would be able to do easily, but Drunk Lexa was struggling. This is why she hated drinking, because it made her uncoordinated and heightened her anxiety in situations like this.
Normally, she would check the video for errors before posting, but she was in such a rush that she didn’t do it this time. She hastily titled the video “lexa’s song” and hit post before opening her email and writing a new one to Kane.
To: Professor Kane
hi im so sprry that i handed in the assignment latew. I will not do it anhmore
thx two you
;exa
“Perfect,” Lexa decided, posting the link and hitting send. She sat back on her chair, letting out a sigh of relief. She gave herself a moment of peace before getting up and heading back to the party, not wanting to disappoint her friends with her absence.
When she arrived back at the party, Octavia saw her and cheered, causing the people around her and in the room to cheer as well. Lexa smiled, the sound of people cheering for her setting off some kind of warm feeling in her stomach. Octavia slung her arm around Lexa, her breath reeking of cheap beer and weed. “I saw Clarkey go outside not that long ago, she looked upset,”
“I’m on it,” Lexa took off towards the back, causing Octavia to smirk. Lexa was so easy, you just mention Clarke and she comes running.
Lexa found Clarke sitting under a tree nursing a beer. The blonde was staring up at the stars, lost in thought. She heard the leaves crunch as Lexa approached, giving her friend a small smile when she sat down next to her.
“Are you cold?” Lexa slurred, already taking off her sweater. She wrapped it around Clarke’s bare arms, herself in just a flannel shirt now.
Clarke sniffed and Lexa noticed that her eyes were puffy and red. Lexa wrapped Clarke in her arms as the blonde rested her head on her shoulder and let out a sob, cracking Lexa’s heart.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Lexa asked softly. Clarke shook her head, tears soaking Lexa’s shirt.
“Can you please talk about something, anything? Make me laugh?” Clarke asked weakly.
“Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a funghi,”
Clarke shook with silent laughter before looking up at Lexa, smiling through her teary eyes. “That was horrible,”
“But it made you feel better,”
“No, you make me feel better,” Clarke corrected, resting her head back down in the crook of Lexa’s neck. “Thank you, Lex,”
The brunette sighed, wishing she could keep Clarke safe forever wrapped in her arms. She wished she could take away Clarke’s pain and tell her that she’s perfect, that Lexa loves her with all that she can and will keep on loving her until Clarke asks her to stop.
But she stays silent. For now, she would be there for Clarke in whatever way she could, and right now, that was being a friend.
*
“This next song has actually been getting quite some attention on YouTube,” Professor Kane announced, grinning. “Half a million views, to be precise. And in one day! Needless to say, I’m extremely proud and will be rewarding the first A+ of the semester,”
Lexa was barely paying attention, doodling in her notebook. During these YouTube presentations of assignments, she lets her mind go on a vacation, more focused on her own work than the work of others.
A familiar guitar melody filled the room and Lexa felt her blood run cold. She froze at her desk, hoping that this was a dream. That this was not her singing. That her song about Finn being wrong for Clarke did not have half a million views. That, in her drunken state, she handed in the correct song about the heiress Rebekah Harkness, not about Clarke. No, this couldn’t be happening.
You’re on the phone with your boyfriend, he’s upset. He’s going off about something that you said cause he doesn’t get your humor like I do
She felt all eyes on her as the song played in the class. She sunk down in her chair, pulling her beanie securely over her ears to try to drown out the sound. She was mortified. Her deepest and innermost thoughts were now on the internet for the world to see, and it was pretty obvious who the song was about, if you paid attention.
After almost four grueling minutes, the song was over and the classroom filled with applause and cheers. Lexa’s face burned bright red, her glasses almost fogging up from the embarrassment.
“Lexa, this song is a new direction for you. Usually your songs have more of a darker tone, but this pop song really highlights what it’s like to want someone who is with the wrong person. I enjoyed it the most out of your songs, and it looks like the public agrees,” Kane complimented, which made Lexa kind of mad. Of course his favorite song was one that she never meant for anyone to hear.
The class murmured with agreement, some more scattered applause throughout the room. Lexa’s head was swimming with a million thoughts at once. What if someone she knew had heard the song? Or worse, what if Clarke had heard the song?
She felt as if she were going to pass out, feeling lightheaded and woozy. She hastily gathered her things and sprinted out the door, ignoring the protests from Kane. She didn’t stop running until she made it to her dorm, slamming the door behind her as she slumped down to the ground, tears spilling from her eyes.
“Lexa?” she heard Clarke say groggily. The blonde raised her head from her pillows, looking at her friend in concern. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying, pretty girl?”
This made Lexa cry harder, because she was scared. She knew that if Clarke hadn’t seen the video yet, she would sooner or later. And then she would know how Lexa felt about her, and what Lexa wanted. And soon everything would change.
But little did Lexa know, her life was about to change in more ways than one.