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Yuuri sat on the couch, one leg brought up to his chest, watching his husband zone into his phone. He paced in a circle around the sofa, tapping a melody into one of the bookshelves behind the sofa and then repeating the cycle. “Viktor, stop, you’re making me anxious.”
“Sorry.”
“You’ve been doing that for like, an hour, are you okay?” Yuuri finally laughed and caught the hem of Viktor’s shirt when he walked past the couch a final time.
“We’ve baby-proofed everything ?” Viktor asked, shoving his phone into his pocket. “Yes! At this point might as well baby-proof Makkachin.”
She lifted her head and stared at Yuuri, almost as if to say “ Try it and see what happens.”
Viktor sighed heavily and flopped down next to Yuuri.
“I want to make sure that they’re safe.” Viktor said, worrying at a loose thread in his sleeve. “Vitya, everything is fine.” Yuuri said into his shoulder and closed his eyes.
There wasn’t much more left to do. The twins were due in a little more than two weeks, they had repainted and decorated the guest room into a nursery, the windows open wide to let in the early spring air, the sounds of Saint Petersburg floating through the apartment. Most of the furniture had been moved in, however, it sat in boxes in the hallway, waiting for the paint to dry so they could build the bassinets and the dresser that Viktor swore he would paint. Clothes in little bags that Yuuri had folded neatly several times over in his own state of panic, on-call with Mari. She said that they unintentionally "color-coded their spawn.". Yuuri had brushed it off but she wasn't wrong. Taru's clothes were in soft lilacs and pale orange. Some light blues were thrown here and there with yellow. Asa was definitely Yuuri's pick of clothes. Blues and greens dotted the outside of the bags adding the soft pop of baby pink.
“What if I’m not good enough?” Viktor said quietly, his fingers pulling against the hem of Yuuri’s t-shirt. “What do you mean?” Yuuri asked, turning to pull his husband’s head to his shoulder. “What if I’m not a good enough father?”
Yuuri waited for a moment to speak again, letting Viktor’s words swirl in his brain.
“What if I’m not a good enough father?”
“Where did that come from?” Yuuri asked softly, running his fingers on Viktor’s back and through his hair gently.
“I don’t know…”
“Vitya,” Yuuri murmured, tracing circles on Viktor’s back, “I’ve seen you with children before. When Axel, Loop, and Lutz were six. You were never a bad person with them. They see you as a second father. To be honest, that’s when I knew I was in love with you. When we saw that one baby in the park and how sweet and gentle you were with him even when he started to cry. That’s when I knew I wanted kids with you. Vitya, there was never going to be a question whether or not you were a good father or not.” Yuuri said, running his fingers through his husband’s hair. “If anything, they’re lucky to have you as their dad. I’m so so excited to have a family with you.”
Viktor looked up at Yuuri and smiled.
“Let's go for a skate.” Yuuri said, leaning back.
“What?”
“Let’s go skate! It always helps me feel better after feeling rough.”
“It’s our day off?”
“So? We’re allowed to just go in and skate.” Yuuri laughed as he stood up, taking Viktor’s wrists and pulling him up. “Come on! Go get your skates.”
________
“I’ll meet you by the door?” Yuuri said as he stood up, checking to make sure his skates were tight enough.
“Sure, are you sure you want to skate today? Yakov said-”
“It’s fine, Vitya. Don’t worry about it.” Yuuri reassured him with a small smile. “This isn’t about me, it’s about you.”
“What’re you doing here?” Yurio questioned, skating up to the boards. “It’s my training day. And aren’t you supposed to be taking it easy?”
“Yeah, but we needed to get out of the apartment.” Yuuri explained, putting his bag down on the floor. “We won't get in your way, I promise. We’ll stay on the other side of the ice. And between you and me, I need to talk to Yakov.”
“Why?”
“Viktor needs to talk to him.”
Yurio backed away from Yuuri for a second, looking at him with every ounce of unease in his body. “Okay? I mean, you could have just texted him?”
Yuuri rolled his eyes. “He just needs to talk with Yakov. And he doesn’t always text back. This is a face-to-face conversation, you know?”
“Sure, pork cutlet. Do you want me to let him know that they need to talk?”
Yuuri thought about it for a minute, “No, I think Yakov will figure it out.”
_____
After the first failed quad, Viktor thought he was getting old. After the second, he put it to being tired. After the fifth fail, he stopped, leaning against the boards in frustration.
“I thought you weren’t gonna practice, old man.” Yurio shouted from across the ice, landing a salchow perfectly.
‘Piss off.”
Yuuri skated over to him, looping an arm around his waist. “You okay?” he asked, ducking his arms and leaning back to face him.
“‘m fine.” Viktor grumbled, rolling his eyes. “You’re not.” Yuuri said softly, putting his hands gently on Viktor’s shoulders. “Why don’t we just go walk in the park? Maybe skating wasn’t the best idea. We could go get Mak-”
“Stop.”
“What?”
“Just-I don’t…”
Viktor hesitated, skating backward and taking a breath in through his nose. “I wanna be alone right now.” he said, taking his gloves off and stuffing them into his pocket, ignoring the wet that seemed into the fabric of his sweats.
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“Let me know if you need anything, okay?” Yuuri said softly, skating to the other side of the boards, talking to someone he couldn’t see.
God, he swore if it was Yakov…
“Vitya.”
God damnit.
“Vitya, hold on a minute.”
Yakov was the last person he wanted to talk to right now. He hopped off the ice and hobbled over to the locker room door, shoving it open with his shoulder. He heard his name again, almost echoey in his ears as Yuuri and Yakov called after him.
He ducked behind a set of lockers. The ones he’d go behind when practice would go bad or he flubbed a jump or he just needed to unwind before he went out and faced the rest of the world.
Viktor heard the door open and he rolled his eyes. He really didn’t feel like talking to anyone.
“Vitya.” Yakov said softly, walking right to where he was hiding.
He should have picked a better hiding spot.
“Please leave me alone.” Viktor sighed, turning away from the shadow that covered him. “I want to talk to you.”
“I know you do but I don’t want to talk.”
Yakov sighed and groaned as he bent down, leaning against the lockers. “I’m not going anywhere, so you’re just gonna have to deal with me sitting here until you talk.”
Viktor rolled his eyes again, his eyes burning with frustration. “I don’t know what Yuuri told you but there’s nothing wrong.”
Yakov grunted and Viktor swore he could hear his brow raise. “Nothing wrong my ass. I’ve known you for over 20 years, Viktor. There’s something wrong.”
Viktor groaned and turned his head. “I feel like I’m a failure.”
“Why?” Yakov asked, his hand now resting on his shoulder gently. “Is this about the baby?” Yakov asked gently, “Viktor, you’re not a failure. Do you think Katsuki doesn't feel like this too? He knows you better than most skaters, Viktor. I have a feeling he feels this way as well. Talk to him." Yakov said softly, his hand hovering in the air for a moment.
“I know but I can’t help feeling like I’m failing already. That I can’t give her anything. I want her to grow up better than I did but I feel like I can’t do that.” Viktor looked at Yakov and rubbed at his cheeks, face burning with embarrassment. He thought of Yuuri feeling like this and felt his eyes burn.
“I don’t know why I’m crying.” Viktor laughed, hiding behind his arm. “I’ve been ready for months, I know that I’m ready to give her everything that I can but what if I miss something? I just keep thinking about it. I grew up without my dad, and as much as you were a father to me Yakov, I just can’t stop thinking that I’ve already failed the baby.” Viktor grumbled, hugging his knee to his chest. He heard Yakov sigh and move closer to him, hand resting on his back. “Viktor, you’re going to be fine.”
“But what if I’m not?” Viktor squeaked, “What if we get her for a week, and then I can’t do it? What if Yuuri wants to leave me? What if I make a mistake and she grows up and becomes a terrible person because I taught her bad things? Yakov, I can’t do this.” Viktor whimpered, rubbing his eyes with a frustrated groan.
“Vitya, as much as I gripe about you, I know that you put everything you are into everything you do. That you worry about this child, is already proof that you will make a wonderful father. Even if you are a pain in my backside.”
Viktor took a shivering breath in, trying to remember Yuuri’s breathing techniques.
Slow in and out.
Again.
Slow in and out.
Yakov put his hand gently on Viktor’s shoulder, “You’re going to be a fine father. That I can tell you. And I can also say how honored I am that you see me as your father.”
Viktor sniffled again, “Jesus, I’m 33 years old and I’m crying in the locker room like I’m 16 again.”
“Come here.”
Viktor leaned against Yakov’s shoulder, letting his coach wrap his arms around him. “You’re going to do just fine, Vitya. Trust me on this. You’re going to raise a very fine young lady.”
“Thanks.”
“For you, any time.”
They stayed there for a while, Viktor letting Yakov pat his back gently.
“Are you gonna be okay?” Yakov asked him after a while, pushing him back by his shoulders. “I think so.” Viktor nodded, rubbing at his face. “Thank you.”
“Yup. Get back out there.” Yakov grunted as he stood up and cuffed Viktor gently on the back of the head. “You’ll be just fine.”
_______
“You okay now?” Yuuri asked as they walked home. “Yeah, I think so.” Viktor nodded, squeezing his husband’s hand lightly. He really did mean it, he felt like a small weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. It was nice.
“We’ll do fine, Vitya.” Yuuri said with a sigh, “We’ll do just fine.”
“We will. Now, how about we build that furniture? I'll paint the dresser!”