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“Babe,” Cheongsan calls, a smile growing as he watches his boyfriend humming as a response without taking his eyes off his book. He chuckles to himself, crossing his arms and rests against the doorframe as he tries again, “baby.”
“’M here,” Gwinam answers, although Cheongsan can see the man furrowing his eyebrows as he turns to the next page.
“Yoon Gwinam,” he finally says impatiently, enunciating every syllable of the man’s name, earning him the reaction he expected. Gwinam closes his book and turns immediately. There’s a hint of surprise on his face when their eyes met, but it turns into a fond smile immediately. The guy breaks into a wide grin.
“Hey,” he says, “you sounded like you were inside. What’s up?”
Cheongsan shakes his head, stepping into the balcony to stand behind his boyfriend and bends down as his arms wrapped around Gwinam’s shoulders. “You looked peaceful,” he answers, his gaze falls on his hands that Gwinam took in his own, “and I just wanted to be a little shit.”
Gwinam snorts and cranes his neck to look at him, pushing up just slightly to plant a kiss on Cheongsan’s cheek, “you are a little shit.”
“Gwinam?” Cheongsan calls, unsure. He stands still in the doorframe watching Gwinam’s back, teeth gritting when he saw the smoke surrounding him.
“Yeah,” Gwinam says, but he doesn’t turn back.
Cheongsan feels it. The changes.
Gwinam used to be so fond of him—all lovely gazes and soft voices, giggles that burst into laughter when they got in bed. He used to hold Cheongsan so carefully, mapped out every inch of his skin like Cheongsan was made of glass.
Gwinam used to be—
“Yoon Gwinam.”
Cheongsan doesn’t miss the sigh, it adds into the thorns that pierce him slowly from inside out. Gwinam doesn’t have the same look in his eyes as he did before when he turns around, not even a hint of guilt as he tosses his cigarette when their eyes met, “what?”
“Nothing,” he shakes his head, turning on his heels immediately because he fears catching the annoyed expression that Gwinam would wear. He fears confirming his fear. This is okay, he thinks, I can live with this.
Gwinam used to be better.
When I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone’s bed,
you put me on and said I was your favorite.
Some days are good.
Some days Gwinam returns to how he used to be. His hand finding Cheongsan’s when they’re out buying groceries, giggly and playful and so, so lovely. His arms would wrap around Cheongsan’s waist when he’s brushing his teeth in their bathroom, the kisses on his cheeks. And Cheongsan has hopes. He always does.
“Are you okay?”
The voice brings him back. Cheongsan musters up a weak smile when Gwinam touched his forehead, loving the way his boyfriend frowns and shakes his head. “You’re still really hot,” Gwinam huffs, taking the food from their bedside table and smiles down at him, “Let’s eat, yeah? You need to eat.”
Cheongsan nods and sits up, opening his mouth as Gwinam offers him a spoonful of porridge.
“You’re a baby,” Gwinam starts to grumble about how reckless and stubborn Cheongsan is, how he never listened to anyone and never thought about his own body, and Cheongsan just sits there and takes it, quietly reveling the attention he hasn’t gotten in a while.
“What would you do without me?”
Those words send a pang to his chest.
Yeah, he wonders, what would he do?
Most days, though, Cheongsan has to bite back the ache in his heart.
He’s tried, he swears he’s tried everything to keep Gwinam amused. But nothing’s worked, not even all the things Gwinam once claimed he loved from Cheongsan. The man wouldn’t even look at him all the time, Cheongsan would be lucky if Gwinam so much as to glance at him for a second.
“Where are you going?”
“Huh?” Gwinam replies, but there’s no answer. Instead he enters the bathroom, doing god knows what. His phone dings next to Cheongsan in bed, and Cheongsan takes the small opportunity to peek at the notification on the lockscreen. It’s a message that Cheongsan can’t make up of from this distance, but he can recognize a heart emoji when he sees one.
He feels the urge to reach. To see. But he holds himself back. Whatever it is that changed Gwinam—whoever it is that now has the old Gwinam, his Gwinam, Cheongsan doesn’t want to know.
He sucks his teeth when Gwinam came out of the bathroom, already making his way out after snatching his bag.
“Where are you going?” Cheongsan presses, stopping Gwinam in his tracks. The guy sighs when he cocks his head toward Cheongsan, almost rolling his eyes as he answers, “Myunghwan’s. Just a little reunion with the guys.”
“Oh,” Cheongsan nods, “okay.”
Gwinam leaves, and Cheongsan looks down on his phone. It’s still showing his Instagram feeds. He bites his lip when he catches Myunghwan’s recent post.
“He’s not even in town.”