Chapter Text
“We are moving out. Right now.”
Jack puts his head in his hands. “Sammy, c’mon-“
“Nope. Moving out. Jack, pack a bag. We’re going back to my shitty ass apartment.”
Emily says, “Ben, I do think this might have been a step too far.”
Ben throws his hands in the air. “Ex-cuse me for trying to be organized! I’m just trying to make our lives easier!”
“I’m honestly in awe,” Lily says. “This is… thorough. It goes all the way through January 2021… Christ.”
“Thank you!” Ben says, happy that someone appreciates his work. “I thought about maybe doing a calendar instead… I might make a calendar actually, that’s a really good idea…”
“If you make a calendar, I’m going to punch you in the face.”
“Suplex Sammy returns,” Lily says wryly.
“If you make a calendar that you put on display, in our home, I am going to leave. Right now. With or without you.” Sammy points at Jack. “I can’t do that. I can’t… no.”
Emily is bent over, wheezing from her seat at the counter. “Ben, sweetheart,” she says, “I don’t think you planned this response when you created… this.”
Ben has the decency to look ashamed of himself. “I thought it was a good idea! It’s a good idea!”
“Maybe at the time, it was a good idea, honey.”
“I wish I could drive into the Void again.” Sammy said, head in his hands.
“Oh, look, Benny, you made him suicidal again.”
Jack laughs then stops abruptly. “That’s not funny,” he points at Lily, trying not to smile.
Emily, shaking, says, “It’s a little funny. Just a little.”
Sammy puts his head in his hands, his face bright red. “Ben, you told me this was a family meeting. We’re sitting at the table all professional. And you gave us… this?”
“You know, when I was finally, you know… clear headed again, after this summer,” Jack says, “I kind of thought to myself, ‘y’know, this living situation isn’t the most sustainable’ but I just kind of rolled with it. But now it is crumbling before us, like a building with the worst foundation ever.”
“Drama queen,” Lily says. “I think it’s beautiful. Really truly, Ben. I admire your journalistic abilities.”
Ben squints at her. “You’re making fun of me, aren’t you.”
Lily nods. Ben sighs. “Listen. I agree with Jack a little bit. We are currently five people-”
Emily makes a non-committal noise. “Four and a half. I do still have my own apartment.”
“Four people, plus Emily, living in a two bedroom apartment. It was never going to be sustainable for too long! Hence…. Notebook.”
Sammy, Jack, and Lily all start yelling over top of each other to the point where no one can understand a thing they’re saying.
“You know what I mean! Certain things about our living situation have proven to be hard! This is the solution I could come up with!”
“I’m going to kill myself, and I’m not even suicidal,” Lily says.
Jack leans over and looks at Sammy, who’s scrolling on his phone. “Are you on Zillow right now?”
“Yes. Do you have a problem with it?”
“No.”
“Guys, let’s just all take a breath,” Emily says soothingly.
In unison, Ben, Sammy, Lily, and Jack all shout, “No!”
Emily sighs. “You know, if it weren’t for you all being insane, Ben wouldn’t have had to make this. There are specific moments of us living together that have caused this.”
Sammy rolls his eyes. “It hasn’t been that bad,” he protests. “We’re not that horrible.”
Ben shakes his head. “I have receipts,” he says. “Just wait. Let me remind you all. Where are you going?” He asks Sammy, who’s standing up.
“Oh, I’m listening, I’m just also packing my suitcases. Go on, please.”
“No, come back. We are having this conversation, right now.”
“Please, Sammy.” Emily says, laughing.
“Yeah, Sammy. If we have to listen to this, so do you.” Lily says. “Sit your ass down. Ben’s telling us a story.”