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Eddie gave Buck a gentle two taps to the back of the neck when he passed him in the locker room. He lets his duffle bag fall to the floor with a quiet thump, before he turns to look at Buck over his shoulder. They have different taps for different things.
Two soft taps on the back of the neck for ‘you okay’ .
Two taps on the arm, for ‘I’m here .’
Two taps on the knee for ‘come with me .’
They had others but those were the most commonly used one among the two of them. Although Buck did have this thing where when he was surprised by something he knocked two of his knuckles onto Eddie’s forearm.
Usually the other would reply with some type of tap or they would actually talk. So when Buck didn’t say anything, Eddie turned around to face the bench that Buck was sitting on, raising an eyebrow. “Hey, Buck you okay.”
Eddie watched as Buck kept his hand tightly on the bottom part of his leg as he looked at Eddie and nodded. “Yeah, yeah.” He muttered, “Yeah I’m okay.” He gave Eddie a mostly okay smile that to everyone else was fine, but at this point, Eddie could see the way it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Buck was lying about being okay. Eddie knew him well enough. He also knew that ever since the lawsuit incident Buck had become more and more reluctant to talk about anything regarding emotions with Eddie. Any of the team really.
Everyone on the team shared the blame on that one. But Eddie really did a number on the subject. That day at the grocery store stood out in his mind like a blot of ink. They never really talked about it, and that was Eddie’s fault. He told Buck that he was exhausting, that he just had to suck up his problems.
Sure they had hugged and made up and talked about things. But they didn’t really didn’t talk about it. Buck just nerve brought it up.
It weighed on him, that much was obvious. Buck was jittery for a while, jumping when somebody walked too close and he didn’t hear them. He didn’t include himself in group conversations as much. Eddie had been working on an apology that Buck couldn’t say ‘you don’t need to apologize,’ too. But Buck had somewhat secluded himself to his loft, leaving for work and basic needs.
He made time for Christopher. It was like he was making up for lost time. The first thing that Buck had said to Christopher was, ‘I am never going to leave you.’ And Eddie felt something in his chest pull tight. Not really in a painful way, just enough to let him know that he felt some kind of way. Love. Eddie had decided that it was probably love. At that moment he wasn’t exactly quite ready for the whole ‘I’m in love with you thing.’ Which hey that was fair, he needed to talk to Buck about some things before they got into a whole other category.
They made progress already. He and Buck sat close next to each other and Buck was coming over to Eddie’s house to just see Eddie now. Buck had talked to him about his annoying neighbor the other day, but halfway through had immediately shut down, muttering an apology about being too talkative and then running away to go get him himself and Eddie beers.
So they did need to talk about it. Because it wasn’t fair for Buck. For Eddie to ask him to go from thinking that he couldn’t even talk about his own emotions in front of Eddie to trying to contemplate that Eddie could possibly ever love him like that, right now it was more ‘how could Buck ever believe Eddie loved him in any sort of way.’
As soon as Eddie opened his mouth to say something to Buck-he didn’t quite know what he was going to say yet the bell rang. Buck was off the bench and handing Eddie his gear faster than Eddie himself could contemplate. He has never hated that bell so much, that only time that could beat this time was when Buck was sprawled out half on top of him, taking a nap and the bell had rung, causing Buck to startle and fall off of his spot on Eddie and the couch.
Now Eddie can be oblivious, he really can okay he knows that. Hen has told him that more times than he cares to admit. But something was definitely wrong with Buck. During their first call of the shift he landed hard on his legs, and he didn't walk any differently but he did have a small pained expression that you could only just barely see because if you looked him in the eyes.
During their next call, a patient got a little irritated and dramatic and sort of flailed a little bit. Hitting Buck sharply in the leg. Buck lurched back like he had been burned and then staggered a bit. Eddie had splayed a hand out on the center of Bucks back, who in turn shot him a grateful look before collecting himself.
Buck remained in what Eddie liked to call ‘The Jittery State’ for the rest of the day. He bounced his right leg about a thousand times a minute and his fingers were constantly messing with something. At one point Eddie had taken Buck’s hand and curled his own hand around them when Buck started to curl his fingernails into his own palm. Buck sucked in a breath but gripped back all the same.
It didn’t really get that cold in Los Angeles. Just breezy or chilly. But Eddie knew from experience that even the slightest amount of cold can cause old scars and pains to act up again.
The fact that Buck also ran cold had its own separate place in Eddie’s mind. At this point, Eddie didn’t question it when his sweatshirts or sweatpants -and on three separate occasions his fuzzy socks- disappeared. Because Buck had them. The first time Buck had actually stolen something of Eddie’s was when it was particularly cold out and Buck had come over after their shift. Eddie had gone into the bathroom for about 30 minutes, and when he came back out, he found Buck in his sweatshirt and passed out on the couch.
Eddie probably could have died right then and there.
But that whole thing is beside the point. Running cold, the weather being cold, and healed wounds did not mix well in the slightest. Buck was currently dealing with all three of those; sitting on the curb in sweatpants, and a t-shirt in 50-degree weather, clutching the fabric of the bottom part of his left leg.
Eddie went to stand in front of him. “Buck.” Buck just hummed in acknowledgment. “You’re shivering,” when Buck did answer again Eddie sighed. “Come home with me.” The words ‘home’ seems to get Buck’s attention. Eddie put his hand out and Buck took it without saying anything, his hand was cold to the touch and when they started walking to the truck Eddie kept a firm hold of Buck’s hand.
“You don’t have to do this,” Buck muttered warily. Eddie could see him staring up at the roof of the car on the edge of his line of sight.
“I really do,” Eddie said quietly, not taking his eyes off the road but still careful to listen for Buck moving or saying something under his breath. “I owe you that much.”
He heard Buck sigh as he stopped the car in his driveway, but he still went into Eddie's house, into the kitchen where Eddie was going. He leaned against the counter and gave Eddie a mildly unreadable look. Eddie turned around, getting a glass of water and something from the top cabinet.
Eddie handed Buck a pill bottle with pain medication in it-which explained the high shelf, because Christopher couldn’t reach it-and the glass of water. “You don’t owe me anything.”
Eddie ignored him, instead mumbling something about Thai or subs for dinner. He only looked up when he saw Buck move more drastically, reaching down to press his fingers harshly into his leg like he was somehow whiling the pressure to fade away. “You’re in pain,” Eddie said, taking a couple of steps closer to Buck, who shot him another unreadable look.
Buck hissed but dropped his leg when Eddie was only two feet away. “I’m fine.” He looked back down at the pain medication. “What did you want to do for dinner? Also, your dishes really need done man, geez.” Buck muttered the last part and huffed out a small laugh.
“Buck.” Buck just shook his head, “Buck.” Eddie tried again, only getting a small hand wave of one of Buck’s hands. “Buck,” and he didn’t yell, or even raise his voice. But somehow the worry and the pain and the fondness that found its way into his voice finally made Buck stop. Buck half turned his head to look at Eddie out of the corner of his eye.
Eddie sighed, inching a little closer to where Buck was standing. “The cold is making your leg act up.”
Buck snorted, “is that question or a statement?”
Eddie ignored Buck's quip and continued. “You could have told the team or Bobby.” He took a breath, “or me.”
He watched as Buck's face made an expression he couldn’t quite read. It was mildly concerning that for the first time in a very very long time, Eddie couldn’t read Buck's emotions. He could see them on Buck’s sleeve where he normally left them.
“Exhausting.” Eddie’s gaze jerked up to Buck's face, now clear again. Something between sadness, pain, and tiredness. His voice matched his expression. “You called me exhausting.”
Memories came flooding back. Bad ones. There were only bad ones from that time. The grocery store. Buck. Eddie. Lots of shouting. More on Eddie’s side. “You’re exhausting.”
“Buck-” Eddie started, but Buck shot him a look so sharp it forced him to stop abruptly.
“So no, I didn’t go to you. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. Especially about something like this,” he pointed at his leg and raised an eyebrow. “I thought it would bring up bad memories.”
Eddie sucked in a sharp and shallow breath. “Buck, I was angry.”
Buck laughed and it just sounded wrong to Eddie. “I kind of got that part.”
“I was angry at the world, and at myself, and at Sharron, and I couldn’t see your side of what was happening and I was angry. I took that out on you because it was easy, but not because it’s true.” Eddie reached a hand out to Buck’s own before he caught himself and put it back down at his side. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
Buck looked at the ceiling and then back at Eddie who wasn’t making eye contact with him. “Eddie, look at me.” Eddie turned his head slowly and was eventually met with Buck’s tilted head look. “I know. But it still hurt and it hurt for a while. It's like an underlying thing now. I can talk to you about when something about my family is bothering me, because it doesn’t bring up old things, but my leg does.” He gives Eddie a sad look. “I don’t want to lose you again.”
“I’m sorry,” Eddie says simply.
“I know,” Buck says, somehow not simply. “I’m not mad at you. I get it, I’d be pissed at myself too. We were both going through things and we didn’t handle it well.” Eddie nodded in agreement, and for Buck to continue. “And it didn’t really help that we never talked about it much after everything happened. I figured if I ignored it would stop hurting as much.” Buck took Buck's hand in his own, lacing their fingers together, but not adding pressure and Eddie could guess it was Buck letting him know he could pull away. “I missed you.” It comes out as more of a half choked-off sob and Eddie decides that he isn’t going to pull away. Instead, he tightens his grip on Buck's hand.
“I missed you too,” Eddie muttered, finally stepping close enough to Buck that their noses would bump and they could comfortably rest their foreheads together. “It’s not true,” Eddie mutters. “You’re not exhausting.” He clarifies when Buck shifts his head in question. “You will never be exhausting to me.” He whispers and Buck gives him a soft smile. “I’m sorry, again. For everything.”
Buck tilted his head slightly to catch the others' gaze. “It’ll be okay. Eventually. Just give it time and some long late-night conversations and I think we’ll be okay.”
Eddie nodded the best he could without moving. “You should really take those pain meds.”
Buck laughs, like actually laughs this time. “We were having a moment Diaz.”
Eddie brings his hands up to the back of Buck’s neck, holding it gently and laughing too. “And I’m still worried about your well-being, Buckley.” He smiles when Buck lets his own hands splay on Eddie’s back. Somewhat because Buck’s skin feels warm again through the thin fabric of Eddie’s shirt and also because of how much they’re touching right now. It makes Eddie think that they might actually be okay. It was more likely than anything that they would. Because they knew now. They get the general idea of communication. “How about you get in the bath and I’ll order dinner, by the time you get out the food will be here.”
Buck gave him one of the softest looks over and leaned forward a little more to knock his head gently into the spot between Eddie’s neck and head. Eddie laughed and leaned his head on Buck’s for a second, before leaning back just enough to press a kiss to the spot where Buck's birthmark stood out against his skin sharply. “Okay, you go take a bath," he said for a second time, a little more firmly than before. "And your pain meds and I’ll order the food, I know your order from that Thai place anyways.”
Buck nodded and gave Eddie a half exasperated, half fond look before tapping Eddie on the hip three times, walking around the corner of the kitchen and into the hallway.
Eddie stopped and blinked rapidly before calling out Buck’s name. Buck poked his head back in the kitchen “I love you too, you know.” Eddie said, trying not to sound like it felt like he was floating.
Buck’s face made an expression that could only be described as ‘smitten.’ “Yeah, I do.”