Chapter Text
Carina is sitting at their kitchen table reading an article on her laptop about a new procedure for premature babies that might help them survive their first few hours.
Maya comes home.
“Hey, bella.” Carina says, still focused on the laptop screen.
She doesn’t say anything, just walks over and stands next to Carina.
“I want you to have kids. I want you to be able to have kids. In whatever form that may be. But I want that for you. So-“ She swallows hard. “I’ve had these paper drawn up.” She holds the papers out to Carina. “I’ve signed them. All you have to do is sign them and your free. You need to find someone- or maybe you could just do it on your own, I know you would be great at it- who wants to have a baby with you.”
Carina looks down at the papers that Maya is holding out. She reads the top. Petition for Divorce. She looks up to check Maya’s face to see if she’s serious, but Maya isn’t looking at her, she can’t. “Maya. This isn’t what I want.” Carina bites her lip. “I love you.”
Maya takes a shaky breath. “And I love you. That’s not the problem here. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I’m keeping that from you. I promised, I promised Andrew when he died, I would look after you, keep you safe, make sure you are happy and try to be what you need. This is me keeping that promise. I’m holding you back from that dream of having children.”
They’ve discussed the topic of children many, many times. Carina is firm on wanting kids and Maya is firm on not wanting kids. Maya’s argument is that she’ll turn into her father and raise kids like he did. We all turn into our parents at some point. And Carina’s argument was that they will raise kids opposite of how they were raised because they went through that trauma and wouldn’t want to put any children through what they went through.
The phrase ‘if you love something set it free’ is on repeat in Maya’s head to get her through this. It’s barely working. Her hand with the papers in it starts to shake. “Just take the papers.” Maya looks at Carina finally. The tears in her wife’s eyes break Maya’s heart. More than she’s already broken it herself by doing this. “Please.” She whispers.
Carina has always be the more selfless of the two of them, but this is Maya being her most selfless version of herself. Or so she thinks. It’s not really what she wants to do but she can’t have kids. She can’t risk screwing up innocent children for their entire lives, like how she’s screwed up. She can’t put kids through that. She knows that Carina will raise wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, caring children. She knows that in her bones. She knows it so much she’s asking for a divorce so that Carina can.
When Carina doesn’t take the papers, Maya sets them on the table next to Carina’s laptop. “I’ll be staying with Travis and Emmett for now. Until I find a place.” Maya’s words come out without emotion. Hard. Staccato.
“Maya. No.” Carina reaches out, finding Maya’s hand.
Maya gently pulls her hand out of Carina’s and takes a step back. “You can call me or text me if you need anything. Let me know when you sign the papers, and I can get them filed.” Maya turns and moves towards the door.
“Maya.” Carina whispers.
Maya stops.
“I love you. Don’t do this.”
Maya shakes her head, sighing and looking down at the floor. “I can’t give you what you need. And I promised I would try. I don’t want to break that promise. I’m still trying to give you what you need by doing this.” Maya tries to think of it as the ultimate act of love. Other than actually having kids, of course. “And I intend to keep all my other promises as well. They all are still valid. Just in a different way now.”
Carina is shocked, paralyzed. She’s frozen to her chair. This isn’t what she wants. She wants Maya. She wants Maya and children. She wants to have children with Maya. Carina knows that Maya has struggled to get used to the idea of having kids and raising them. She knows it’s because of the way her father raised her. That trauma, those demons. But she thought that one day Maya would come around to the idea.
She wants kids. She does, but at what price. Is it worth it if Maya isn’t by her side? Maybe she should just give up the dream. Her friends have kids. There’s Scout and Pru and Owen and Teddy’s kids. Maybe she can be happy in that ‘aunty’ role. That might be enough to satisfy her.
Maya moves again. She reaches the door, turns the handle and pauses. She’s hoping Carina is going to stop her. She’s hoping for something.
“Maya.”
She waits for more. But nothing more comes. Maya turns the handle and walks out of their apartment, their home.
Maya rings the doorbell. Emmett answers the door, takes one look at Maya, and lets her in. “Trav.” He yells into the house. He’s never seen Maya looks so broken, yet so held together at the same time.
Travis hurries over and is standing in front of Maya in a split second. Travis and Emmett both stand there staring at Maya, waiting.
“I did it.”
“Did what?” Emmett wonders.
Travis looks up at the ceiling. “Nooo.” He whispers. He looks back at her. “I told you not to.”
Maya pulls Travis aside. “I need your advice.”
Travis raises an intrigued eyebrow. Maya hardly ever comes to him for advice. He spends more time with her wife than with Maya. They aren’t not friends, but they aren’t buddies like he is with Carina. “About?”
“Your husband’s dead.” Maya blurts.
“Yes.” Travis nods, wondering what that has to do with anything.
“Did you ever get over it? The loss. Or is it just something that haunts you for the rest of your life?” Maya needs to know.
“Maya, what is this about? Because you’re being really morbid and creepy right now.” Travis puts a hand on her upper arm, clearly concerned.
Maya looks around the room. It’s empty.
“I think I’m going to divorce Carina.”
“WHAT?” Travis takes a step back, his eyes wide. “I mean- what?” He reels his reaction in. “Why?”
“She wants to have kids. And I can’t have kids. I can’t do that. I can’t ruin and damage children. If I give her a divorce, she can find someone to have children with.”
“Do you know how crazy you sound right now?”
Maya nods.
“Well, at least you know it.” He scoffs.
“Do you think she’s really going to accept this?” Travis thinks Carina won’t, knows she won’t.
Maya shrugs. “But, if she does- is that loss- does that pain ever go away?” A single tear leaks out of Maya’s left eye, betraying her.
Travis sighs. “Yes and no. It never really goes away. But life moves on and eventually it becomes less. It’s more bearable. But it never truly leaves. You find things, other people to bring you joy and happiness, but every now and then- something will happen- you’ll have a memory and then it’s fresh. That pain comes round again. It’s back. It fades quicker but you feel it all over again.”
Maya nods. “Good to know. Thanks Travis.” She turns to go, getting the information that she wanted.
“Maya.” He stops her. “Don’t do it. Find another way.” Travis knows that Maya and Carina love each other and have been married for over two years now and everything is good with them. They have a home and a life together. This is the only, the only, thing that they haven’t been able to agree upon.
“I know you did.” Maya’s shoulders sag. “Can I stay with you guys til I find my own place?”
Travis’ lip trembles and he rushes forward and wraps Maya in his arms. He doesn’t say yes, and he doesn’t say no. He just hugs Maya.
Maya just stands there, not hugging him back. She can’t do that. She doesn’t deserve human contact, comfort, right now. Plus, she doesn’t like hugs. Except from Carina. But those aren’t going to happen anymore.
Carina marches into the station the next morning. “Where’s Maya?”
Travis is at reception. “Oh my god, Carina. I was going to call you today. How are you? Are you okay?”
Carina just stares at him. “Where’s Maya?”
He realizes she means business. “She’s out sick today.”
“Cut the crap, Travis.” She’s on a short fuse today.
Travis sighs. “She’s not here.”
“Well, where the fuck is she?”
Carina doesn’t swear often, so when she does it’s kind of shocking.
“I told her not to do it.” Travis tries to defend himself.
Carina glares at him.
“She came to me for advice. I didn’t think she wouldn’t actually do it. She loves you.” Travis tells Carina.
“She said that’s why she did it. Which is total bullshit.” Carina fists her hands at her side. “Is she at your house?”
“Yes. But I don’t think you should go over there right now. She’s probably asleep. She drank so much last night. Probably has a nasty hangover. I haven’t seen her drink that much in years.” Travis thinks about it now. He hasn’t seen Maya drink that much since before Carina came into the picture.
Carina looks around, trying to decide what to do.
“Are you going to sign the papers?” Travis whisper.
Carina sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “I don’t know.”
“Oh my god.” Travis’ eyes go wide. “So, you’re thinking about it. I would have thought you just wouldn’t sign the papers and that would be the end of it. What can Maya do if you don’t sign?”
“Go to a judge and ask him to grant her a divorce.” She tells him, matter of fact.
“But you’re thinking about it?”
Carina pulls her lower lip into her mouth for a second. “I want to have kids. I want to have kids with Maya. But-“
“Maya’s not going to budge on the issue. Isn’t there some other way?” Travis thinks this can’t be the end of them. They have made it through every shitty thing that has happened to them during their time together. They have weathered every storm. He assumed they would just figure out a way through this storm too.
“I’ve been wracking my brain all night for another way, but I can’t come up with anything that won’t end in total disaster.”
Travis lets out a sad sigh. “I can’t believe this.”
Carina scoffs. “Neither can I. And one of the problems is- I can’t wait much longer. I can’t wait for Maya to magically change her mind one day. I’m not getting any younger. As an OB is know the risks. The older you get-“ She doesn’t finishes the sentence.
Travis hums. “You don’t want to adopt or anything.”
“I never really thought about it. I just assumed that when I had kids that I would be having them.”
“Right.” Travis nods. He supposes that makes sense. “Well.” He sighs. “I’m not sure what to tell you.”
Carina nods. “Can you-“ She gets choked up a little. “Can you keep an eye on Maya for me?”
Travis salutes at her. “Will do.”
“Grazie.” She takes a deep breath.
“What does this mean for me and you?” Travis wonders. He doesn’t know if he can handle being on both sides of this. Maya is his friend and co-worker. Carina is his friend and Maya’s wife. Possibly soon to be ex-wife.
“Nothing has to change, Travie.” Carina tells him.
He nods, knowing things likely will change, especially if they do get a divorce.
Carina calls Maya later in the day.
“Hello.” Maya answers, sounding groggy.
“Long night?”
Maya furrows her brow. “No.”
“Travis told me.” Carina says.
Maya should have picked someone other than Travis to stay with knowing how close he is with Carina. “Something like that. I just- I need to-“
“Forget?”
“NO.” Maya says too loudly. She could never and would never want to forget Carina. “It was just- rough.”
“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have served me with divorce papers then.” There’s a bit of hostility, contempt in Carina’s voice.
Maya doesn’t miss it. “Is there something you need?” She asks why Carina is calling. “Did you sign the papers yet?”
Carina sighs. “No, Maya, I didn’t. And what I need is my wife to drop this silly charade and come home.”
Maya closes her eyes. “I’m not coming home. It’s your home now. As soon as you sign the papers it will be final. I’ve agreed for you to have everything that is in the apartment, including the apartment.
“Maya, stop it.” Carina starts crying. “I need you. I want to have kids with you. Not anybody else.”
“I can’t raise kids.” Maya says, tears coming to her eyes as she hears Carina crying. “Please don’t cry. I hate when you cry.”
“Maya.” Carina sobs.
“Shhh.” Maya tries to coach. “Just breath. In and out. In and out. You can do this Carina. I know you can. You’re going to be the most amazing mamma on the planet. I have no doubt about that. Your kids are going to be the luckiest kids. They’ll have a cool, funny, smart, compassionate, talented mamma. One that will love them beyond anything and anybody else. One that will do anything for them. Anything.” Maya pinches the bridge of her nose between her index finger and thumb.
“Maya.” Carina hasn’t stopped crying but hears every word.
“I’m going to hang up now. Let me know about the papers. And let me know if you need anything or need to know anything about the apartment.” Maya hangs up and buries her face in the pillow, crying until her eyes are dry, until they are raw and hurt.
Days pass and Maya doesn’t hear from Carina at all. She’s not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. She’s not sure what’s good and bad at this point. She goes to work every day. Even taking shifts on her days off. She needs to keep busy. Plus, she needs the extra money since she’s basically starting over. She needs a new place to live, new furniture, new dishes, and towels and bedding. Everything. Once the papers are filed, she’ll go by and pick up her clothes and drop off her keys. Preferably, while Carina is at work one day. Maya doesn’t think she could stand seeing her. She knows she’ll see Carina around, that’s probably the hardest part. They work and live in the same city, blocks apart from each other. Their jobs are interconnected. None of that changes. And maybe one day it’ll hurt less, and Maya will be okay with seeing Carina, but right now it will only be painful.
And if Maya is honest, she hopes that one day, like a year from now, when everything is settled and everything has passed, they can be acquaintance, friends. They have lots of friends in common so that’s going to be awkward for a while but is to be expected. But hopeful they can get to a place where it’s not awkward and the can be in each other’s presence again without feeling like shit.
Maya keeps reminding herself that she is doing this for Carina. To keep her promises. To make her happy. To love her. To keep her safe and protected. She’s never going to break those. No matter what.
That reminder is what is getting her through each day. It’s a struggle but she gets up each morning and recites those promises before she starts the day.
Travis knows, and Emmett, what’s going on; but Maya has asked him not to say anything to anybody else at the fire station. At least, not until the papers are signed and filed. She knows it’s likely to be months between the filing and getting word that the divorce is finalized. Maya thinks she’ll tell everybody once she fills the papers. If they all take Carina’s side over hers, then she’ll be fine with that. She won’t say anything. She won’t put up a fight. To make Carina happy and protected and safe and loved.
And Maya will love her. Forever. That’s never going to change. It’ll just have to be as a supporter, as hopefully friend, from afar.
She’s thought about it. She’s got it all planned out, in her very Maya Bishop way.
That is, until Carina walks into the station and throws the divorce papers at her.
Maya is standing next to the engine with Andy and Travis and Dean. They were cleaning it.
“I’m not signing these divorce papers.” Carina says angerly. “It’s stupid, Maya. You can’t just grant me a divorce.”
“Divorce?” Dean whispers.
Travis nudges him to shut up.
Andy just stares, her mouth hanging open.
“No, I can’t. But a judge can. If you don’t sign them.” Maya says matter-of-factly.
“Fine. Go to a judge. But I’m not signing them. Because I don’t want a divorce.” Carina points a finger in Maya’s face. Maya stands up straighter. She’s not afraid of Carina; but when that finger is in her face she knows Carina is mad and that she needs to listen so she stands at attention. “This is dumb Maya. This is you running away from your problems again. It’s childish in some way. I know you think that by you doing this you think it makes you selfless, noble. I know you, Maya. I’m your fucking wife. That being said-“ Carina sighs, losing the anger. “-I’ve decided that if you can’t or won’t or don’t want to have kids with me-“ She’s waiting for Maya to say she does want to have kids. She’s waiting for Maya to change her mind.
“Say something.” Andy mumbles from behind Maya.
Carina looks from Maya to the other three and then back to Maya. She knows all this gossip is going to spread like wildfire. She knows Maya didn’t tell Andy or Dean by the shocked looks on their faces.
Maya hangs her head, cementing her future.
“I’ve decided that I’m going to have a baby. I have any appointment to start the process on Friday.”
Maya looks up, a little surprised. “Friday?” That’s in two days, that’s so soon.
“Yes, Friday. I can’t wait. It could take months for the IVF to work.” Carina tells them.
“IVF?” Maya feels like she has whiplash. They’ve talked about the process and how Carina wants to go about having children. It’s not anything Maya is unfamiliar with at this point. Carina had told her that if Maya understood how everything was going to work than maybe she would feel better about bringing a child into the world. It didn’t sway Maya any in the end though.
“Yes, Maya.”
Maya nods and looks down at the floor again. Her head spins. She feels dizzy.
“Are you going to continue to stay with Travis?” Carina asks.
Maya looks up and blinks, trying to get the dizziness to stop.
“Travis?” Andy questions and looks at the man.
Travis raises his hands in innocence and shrugs.
“Y-yeah.”
“Okay.” Carina nods. She’s come to say what she needed to say and now she’s done her. “It was nice to see you guys.” She waves at Andy and Travis and Dean.
Travis smiles, guiltily. Andy waves back awkward. And Dean just stands there.
“Ciao.” Carina turns and walks out.
Andy shoves Maya. “Do something. Why are you just standing there? What the fuck is happening?” She shakes Maya. “Maya.”
“I think I’m going to be sick.” Maya runs off.
“What just happened?” Dean asks.
Travis bends down to pick up the divorce papers. He reads the top and closes his eyes. It’s too much. He flips to the last page. Like Carina said though, she didn’t sign them. “Here’s to small victories.” He mumbles to himself.
“You knew about this?” Andy questions him.
“Weeelllll-“ He grins, guilty. “Yes.”
“And you, of all people, didn’t do anything about it?” Now Andy’s the one pointing a finger at someone.
He throws his hands in the air. “I tried. I told Maya not to do it.”
“She came to you before she even got these?” Andy grabs the papers from his hand.
“If I say yes, will you yell at me more?”
Andy glares at him.
“Maya wanted to know if the pain ever goes away.”
“What?” Dean comes back to his senses.
“Michael.” Travis closes his eyes for a moment. “She wanted to know if the pain of losing your spouse ever goes away.”
“Jesus.” Andy mumbles and shakes her head.
“What are we going to do?” Dean asks.
“We.” Andy points between all three of them. “Are going to keep our mouths shut about this.”
“That’s it.”
Andy doesn’t know what to do. “This is above my expertise.”
“I don’t know if there’s anything we can do.” Travis adds.
“I’m going to check on Maya.” She shoves the papers into Travis’ chest. “Burn these or something.”
Andy walks into the bathroom and sees Maya laying there on the cold tile floor. “Are you okay?”
Maya groans. “Do I look okay?”
“Honestly, Maya, no.” Andy folds her arms over her chest. “I’m going to have you go to your bunk until dinner.” Not only does Maya look like trash, Andy knows her head isn’t in the game.
“What? No. Come on, Andy. I’m fine.” Maya sits up, but her head spins and she lays back down again. “Okay, maybe not fine.” Maya thinks if she just gets a few minutes she can power through.
“Nope.” Andy puts her foot down. “You are staying in your bunk. No going on calls, no working out, no chores. Nothing. I want your ass in that bunk at all times until I come get you for dinner. That’s an order.”
Maya sighs, defeated. “Okay, Captain.”
“Good.” Andy comes over and squats at Maya’s side. “Now tell me what is going on. Cuz, Maya, I don’t understand this.”
She closes her eyes. “Carina wants kids and I don’t. It’s as simple as that.” She runs her thumb over the gold band on her left ring finger.
“But it’s not simple.”
Maya shakes her head. “It’s not. I’m trying to give her what she wants.”
“Even if that means she can’t have you. That’s not fair, Maya.”
“And it’s not fair that I’m holding her back from her dream. Life’s not fair.” Maya doesn’t think her life will ever be easy or fair or good.
Andy sighs, not really knowing what to say to her friend. “What happens now?”
“I don’t know.” Maya takes a deep breath. “I don’t know. But you heard her. She’s going to have a kid. That’s what she wants. That’s what I want for her.” It’s difficult for Maya to think about.
“I understand what you’re trying to do. But, Maya, it’s so stupid.” Andy gets up and gives Maya a pointed look before leaving.