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Dazai was hanging out in the student council room, with the other council members. His high school, Bungou Stray Dogs Academy, was quite an interesting place. And the people here were certainly interesting as well, to say the least.
The student council here was nothing like a regular official organisation. The first difference was in the name. For some reason, the group was called the Armed Student Council. Like, what did that even mean? Armed as in armed with guns or something? The title of the council confused almost all newcomers at the school. It certainly did not make sense to anyone. In fact, not even the teachers knew the reason behind the name.
Moving on to the members of the council, there were currently six of them. Dazai Osamu, the suicidal secretary who did no work at all, based purely on the fact that he was lazy and would rather die than do any work. Yosano Akiko, the brave soul in charge of the Healthcare Committee. She was known for her effective, and rather painful, treatments. It was often said that her treatment was the best the school had to however; however, she did nothing to alleviate the patient's discomfort.
Then there was Edogawa Ranpo, the council president, self-proclaimed to be the greatest, most respected student in the whole school. And then there were the other two members, Miyazawa Kenji and Nakajima Atsushi. Finally there was Tanizaki Junichiro, a guy who was currently suspended. Apparently a teacher had found him walking the red light with his sister? Yeah, he had a complicated relationship with his sister Naomi. The three of them didn't hold any special title and were just regular (if one can say that about the Armed Student Council) members of the Council. In fact, Atsushi, who was the newest member of the group, still wasn't completely used to his knew working conditions.
He had joined the council only because the math teacher, Kunikida Doppo, had asked him to. Let's just say the student owed the teacher a favour. That whole situation was Dazai's fault anyway, not that he would ever own up to it. It had been a few weeks since Atsushi joined the council, and he still regretted it pretty much every day. But he had never regretted it more than the day on which they found out that Dazai actually had a boyfriend.
That's correct, a boyfriend. It sounds impossible, but as the council members found out eventually, it was true. Nobody could believe it at first. There's no way anybody in their right minds would want to date Dazai! Why, he was the most useless suicidal freak ever. There wasn't a single day he didn't try to commit suicide. In fact, the first time Atsushi had seen Dazai, he had been hanging from a tree, a rope around his throat. Atsushi had panicked and thought that the man was dead, at the time, but soon enough he found out that Dazai had just been "sleeping" in that position. Atsushi was genuinely scared of the bandaged man.
This other time Dazai had jumped off from the school's roof, and had ended up forming a huge Dazai-shaped hole in the ground. He himself had popped right back up, healthy as a horse. According to Yosano, Dazai was practically resistant to death at this point. The more he chased it, the more the phenomenon eluded him. This brings us back to the topic of said suicide enthusiast's boyfriend. Who on earth would want to put up with someone who jumped off buildings for fun? Turns out, there was someone, and the council members met him on a fateful (not) day.
It was a normal day; well as normal as it could be in the Armed Student Council. They were supposedly having a meeting. The group had tried to conduct an actual meeting to discuss important affairs; they really had. But five minutes in, and everybody had already started doing their own thing. Dazai was on the couch reading a book on suicide. Yosano was working on something on her laptop; probably new painful treatments or something like that. It'd be suited to her character. Kenji was playing games on his phone, and Atsushi was just staring at his superiors, not knowing what to do. The president meanwhile, was busy gorging on snacks.
Suddenly, the door to the student council room opened, and the well known math teacher, who was also the advisor if the council, Kunikida walked in. A short boy was trailing him. Nobody immediately recognized the newcomer, so Atsushi just assumed he was a new, or maybe a transfer student. After considering the newcomer's uniform, it was clear that he was a transfer student. Unlike the other council members, who were wearing navy blue uniforms, this person wore a different uniform- a red blazer with dark green checked trousers, which was the uniform of another well-known school in town. He wore a hat on his head, which Dazai-san immediately scoffed at, and he had bright red hair. He wore his necktie really loose around his neck, and his stance made it clear that he was not the type to mess around.
Kunikida-sensei cleared this throat before introducing him to the council members, "This is Nakahara Chuuya. He is a transfer student at our school, and has decided to join the Student Council. Look after him, will you? And all of you are a weird bunch, but for the love of God, Dazai, please stay away from him."
With that introduction (and warning?) and a not-so subtle glare at Dazai, the advisor left the room, leaving Nakahara to the pack of wild council members. Dazai, unheeding of the teacher's advice, walked up to the new student immediately, "Eh? Chuuya finally made it to my school?"
Chuuya, as Dazai called him, growled and kicked the tall brunet's legs immediately, "Shut up, asshole! Transfer procedures take time!"
The other members couldn't help but wonder how their secretary was already so familiar with the transfer student. They were even on first name basis apparently?
The secretary crouched so he could see Chuuya in the eyes, "Say Chuuya, have you become shorter? Is that why you have a tackier hat now?"
The boy wearing a red blazer gritted his teeth at the other, "Stop calling me short, bastard! I'll kill you, I swear."
Dazai straightened his back and clasped his hands in a melodramatic sparkle, "Really? Chuuya! Maybe you are a nice person after all! But you see, my mission is to die by a double suicide with a beautiful woman. Dying by your hands doesn't interest me anymore."
This time, Chuuya was wise enough to ignore the shitty secretary. Instead he turned to the rest of the members, who were staring at him and the bandaged bastard with open curiosity. The hatted man sighed, "Sorry about that. Since shitty Dazai won't introduce you lot to me, you'll have to do it yourselves, unfortunately."
Yosano went first, a humorous smile on her face, "I'm Yosano Akiko. In charge of the Healthcare Committee." The others followed seconds after, introducing themselves with their name and the role they played in the council. They also mentioned Tanizaki-kun, who would be re-joining school after his suspension the next day.
Once they were done, Chuuya mused aloud, "It's nice to meet you. I have a question, actually."
Kenji, the precious first year, chirped, "Oh, ask away!"
Chuuya grinned at the kid before asking a generalised question, "Who the fuck decided it was a good idea to make shitty Dazai the secretary?"
Everyone burst out laughing at Chuuya's offended tone. As if Dazai being the secretary offended him on more than one personal level. Dazai meanwhile whined, "Chibi! Don't be rude! I'll have you know I'm a wonderful, hard-working secretary."
The other members laughed louder at that, because honestly, what a joke. Chuuya glared at him, "Who're you calling chibi, bastard?!"
Dazai smiled sagely, "I see only one chibi here, so it must be you, ne Chuuya?"
Chuuya growled again and actually punched Dazai this time, who bowled over with pain, muttering under his breath, "Chibi is such a violent brute. This is domestic abuse."
Said violent brute let out a shrill scream, "Hah?! There's nothing domestic about this, shitty asshole!"
Before the two of them could continue their fight fest, Atsushi interrupted them with a question, "So, you two know each other, Nakahara-san and Dazai-san?"
Chuuya answered first, "Just Chuuya is fine. And unfortunately, yes. We went to the same middle school."
It was Dazai's answer that caused all hell to break loose in the council room. He rested is arm on Chuuya's shoulders, "That's true. And of course, Chibi here is also my wonderful wife!"
Chuuya elbowed him in the stomach, "Don't call me your wife, shitty Dazai."
Dazai blinked at me innocently, "But aren't you my wife, Chuuya? How mean!"
Chuuya wisely ignored him and turned to Yosano who was asking him something, "So, Chuuya-kun, if you are not his wife, are you guys at least friends?"
Chuuya scoffed, "Yeah, as if! I am most certainly not friends with this shitty bastard."
Dazai pouted, "Mean Chibi. Chuuya is cruel!"
Chuuya just rolled his eyes at him and pushed him aside. Atsushi then gingerly suggested that the group should get back to the meeting, the important task on hand. And for a change, everyone agreed and took their seats to proceed with the meeting. Interestingly enough, as noticed by everyone, Chuuya willingly took his seat next to Dazai. If Dazai noticed anything out of the ordinary, he said nothing about it. In fact, it didn't look like either of them realised what they were doing. The new member of the council just casually took his seat to Dazai, and the secretary was resting his shoulders on Chuuya's shoulders, but the latter didn't seem to mind. They appeared to be perfectly in sync and used to the other's presence. None of the other council members said anything about it, though.
Once the meeting was done, it was lunch hour. For some reason, the council members had lunch together every day in the council room. Kenji very kindly informed Chuuya of this fact. If the latter was confused, he didn't show it. He merely said that he'll get his bento and be right back. True to his word, Chuuya waltzed into the council room with two bentos five minutes later. Ranpo raised his eyebrows at the sight of the two bentos, whereas most of the others were unconcerned, but curious.
Chuuya plopped one of the bentos on Dazai's desk, "There you go, shitty bastard. You clearly won't eat anything unless I personally feed you, so there."
Dazai looked like he was going to tease the new student for being considerate but he settled on a surprisingly (and scarily) soft smile, "Thank you, wifey~"
Chuuya rolled his eyes as he took a seat next to him and unwrapped his own bento, "Again, I am not your wife."
Ranpo asked loudly, "But Mr. Fancy Hat, if you're not his wife, what are you making him bentos for?"
Ranpo asked that as a joke. It was very clearly a joke. Everyone just assumed that Chuuya was a tsundere when it came to being friends with someone and caring about said friend. That's what they all thought. Nobody expected Chuuya to answer his question seriously. They were all just expecting Chuuya to get mad and start yelling.
But Chuuya snorted in response, "I am not his wife, because one, we are not old enough to be married, and two, because I would be his husband, the fuck."
Kenji asked excitedly, "So, you would date Dazai-san? Is that what you're saying?"
Dazai turned to Chuuya with an annoying smirk on his face, "Ne Chuuya? You would date me?"
Chuuya smacked him in the sides of his stomach, "Shitty Dazai, I am already in an unwilling, rotten relationship with you."
The council room was thrown into utter chaos with that one statement. Yosano glared at Dazai, "Dazai, what the fuck? How dare you not tell me you have a boyfriend?"
Ranpo meanwhile grinned in excitement and turned to Yosano, "Akiko, you owe me a thousand yen! I knew it! Dazai did have a partner all along."
Yosano glared at her betting partner, before pulling out her wallet and paying up, while grumbling under her breath, "I am never betting against you ever again."
Kenji meanwhile clapped his hands in excitement, "Oh, great! Does that make Chuuya-san our secretary-in-law?"
Everybody burst out laughing at Kenji's statement, Chuuya included. He chuckled, "The fuck is a secretary-in-law?" Nobody had the answer to that, of course. Meanwhile, Atsushi just sat there and regretted his life decisions for the tenth time in that minute.
Everybody then proceeded to ask the new found couple questions about their relationship. After all, this might be once in a life time thing. How often do suicidal maniacs like Dazai find actual boyfriends, after all?
How long have the two of you been together, Chuuya-san?
Two years, to my greatest misfortune.
Did you change schools to be in the same school with Dazai-san?
Ha?! Of course not! This school just had better sports programs, damn it.
(But Dazai's fond smile completely nullified Chuuya's denial.)
Are you really not his wife, Chuuya?
Of course not! Don't lump me with the likes of this shitty bastard, Yosano-san.
After asking all their questions, everyone came to the conclusion that Chuuya was either actually a tsundere, or this was just his and Dazai's relationship dynamic. Nobody minded, of course. Not that they had the right to. Having Chuuya around certainly livened up the student council a bit more. Another eccentric character; that's exactly what the Armed Student Council required.
Plus, as they found out soon enough, Chuuya could actually get the secretary to do his work. Kunikida-sensei almost fainted when he found out that Dazai has actually been doing his work. Everybody gave the full credit to the transfer student, of course, to which the secretary complained, saying that he was the one doing all the work.
The next day, Tanizaki-kun was back from his long suspension from the school. He walked into the council room in excitement, ready to see his team once again. He had, of course, met Atsushi before, but hadn't seen Chuuya. Once he greeted all the old members of the council, he turned to Chuuya, "Hello! I'm Tanizaki Junichiro. I take it you're the newest council member?"
Chuuya nodded at him in greeting, "Nakahara Chuuya. Nice to meet you."
Ranpo spoke up on Chuuya's behalf, "Mr. Fancy Hat here is a transfer student!"
Yosano playfully added, "And he's Dazai's wife!"
Tanizaki blinked, "He's Dazai-san's what?"
Chuuya yelled at him, startling the poor boy, "I am not that bastard's wife!"
Dazai faked a sweet tone when he said, "Eh? But that's not what you said last night?"
Atsushi stammered, "I don't need to know that!"
Chuuya smacked his own forehead in exasperation, "I made the bastard dinner. That's it!"
Tanizaki spoke nervously, "Um...?"
Kenji, bless that boy, took pity on him and nodded at him earnestly, "Chuuya-san is actually Dazai-san's boyfriend."
Nobody seemed to have overheard Kenji's explanation, and hence they didn't butt into the budding conversation. Tanizaki blinked, "Wait, really?"
Kenji nodded earnestly before looking at the mentioned couple. Chuuya was holding Dazai down to the floor, screaming murder at him about how he needs to stop calling him his wife. He was apparently also ticking the secretary, because Dazai was practically rolling on the floor with laughter, begging Chuuya to stop. It sounded very wrong, if one didn't look at the actual scene. You know what I mean.
Tanizaki stepped back, "I think... I think I should have stayed suspended."
Ah, yes. Just another normal day in the Armed Student Council.