Archive of Our Own

Shuu sighed and stared at his phone. Kuranosuke had recently given him Tsukimi's phone number, and he was anxious about calling her. Should he ask her out or not? He wanted to... or did he? He wasn't sure. He started to dial her number, and closed his phone. He started to dial her number, and closed his phone. He repeated this action several times. 

"UGH!" he cried and bashed his head on the desk. "Damn!" He took a deep breath, and picked up the phone once more. He dialled her number, and held his breath as it rang out, his nerves trembling with increased tenacity at every ring. 

"Uh, hi, it's Tsukimi, uh, leave a message I guess, and I'll uh, I'll text you back... yeah."

Was Tsukimi nervous on the phone, Shuu wondered? That was so sweet, so was he!

So was he. 

"Uummm... Miss- uh, Miss Kurashita. Hello, it's um, Koibuchi Shuu? Kuranosuke's brother. I'm c-calling to ask you if um, if you wanted to uh, uh...." Shuu could feel beads of sweat running down the back of his neck. This is ridiculous! he thought. Why am I getting so stressed about calling a girl?? "If you w-wanted to uh, go..." he inhaled deeply. "like go out or something okay call me back, bye I love you oh my God." he hung up his phone and threw it across the room with a shriek. 

"Dude," Kuranosuke said, poking a pastel pink head into the room. "What the hell? Are you okay?"

Shuu groaned. "Yeah. Yeah fine."

"Geez, okay. I'm going out. Don't hurt yourself!" Kuranosuke laughed. He flippantly waved an hand and was out the door.

It had not been more than ten seconds after he stepped outside when a tall man dress in all black with tinted sunglasses bumped into Kurnosuke and knocked him over.

"Hey! Watch it buddy!" He cried out as he tumbled to the ground.  The man in black chuckled.

"I'm terribly sorry miss.  Here," He held out his hand and helped Kuranosuke up.  "Perhaps you know me from somewhere?"

Kuranosuke stared blankly at him.  "Oh! Are you a modelling agent?"

The man took off his sunglasses.

The same blank stare remained on Kuranosuke's face.  "I don't know who you are, now, if you don't mind, I have someplace I have to be!"

The man's expression grew cold.  "Do you seriously not know who I am? Have you not seen the matrix before?"

Unfortunately for the man in black, Kuranosuke had already walked away and was blissfully whistling to himself.  

Tsukimi had been standing the door the whole time, watching the scene in total silence.  She was petrified.  

"I-I-I-I-I know who you are..." She squeaked.  The man turned to her and smiled.  "You're Keanu Reeves!" She exclaimed.  

He ran over to her excitedly.  "Yes! I'm so glad I finally found someone who recognises me! I'm in Japan on a sort of spiritual pilgrimage.  I'm a Buddhist you see, and I was curious to learn more about the Shinto influence on the religion in this region.  Do you have any information I might find useful?"

From inside the house, Tsukimi could hear Jiji's heavy breathing.  Keanu was a bit young for her tastes, but she was still interested.  

"Lord have mercy on his soul." Chieko murmured. Bonba nodded in agreement, her afro flopping whimsically. 

Tsukimi's phone buzzed on the counter, and Kuranosuke looked over at it.

"Hey, Tsukimi, your phone's ringing?"

"My phone?" Tsukimi looked surprised. "Huh, must be my dad." She looked at the cover. "Voicemail?" she said. "My dad never leaves me voice mail." She pressed play and held her phone to her ear.

"Uummm... Miss- uh, Miss Kurashita." Tsukimi's heart fluttered. It was Kuranosuke's brother! How did he get my number?? She thought frantically. "Hello, it's um, Koibuchi Shuu? Kuranosuke's brother. I'm c-calling to ask you if um, if you wanted to uh, uh...." Tsukimi's heart jumped into her throat. Wanted to what?? "If you w-wanted to uh, go... like go out or something okay call me back, bye I love you oh my God."

Tsukimi stared into the middle distance, her very soul spilling from her mouth. Kuranosuke was poking her arm. She screamed. 

"Ah! Geez, what is it with everyone today?!" he shouted. "Who was on the phone??"

"Y-y-y-yo-you-your b-b-br-brother!"

"I love you."

It rang in Tsukimi's ears. She barely felt Kuranosuke take the phone from her ear to replay the message. He groaned at the end of it. "Shuu, you're a hot mess." he muttered to himself. "Well?" he asked her.

"W-well what??"

"Are you going to go out with him?" Kuranosuke asked impatiently.

Keanu stood up suddenly.  "THERE IS SOMETHING I MUST CONFESS!" He was practically screaming.  Everyone stared at him.

"Really dude? At a time like this?" Kuranosuke did not like being interupted so carelessly.

Keanu's eyes fell to the ground.  "I...I often wear my underwear inside out to avoid doing laundry.  I thought that ladies like these would understand.  I feel like...they may share my practice."

The girls all froze up again.  Kuranosuke puked a little in his mouth, but managed to shake away the horrible feeling that had overcome him.

"Keanu, please remain silent for the rest of your time here." He said.  He returned to his previous conversation.

"So, are you going to go out with him or not? Do you need bribery? Incentive? A Tim Horton's gift card, perhaps?" He pulled a small plastic card out and waved it around in the air.

Tsukimi stared at the gift card. "Wait, how much is on that?"

"7,500 yen!" 

Tsukimi's eyes went wide. "Wooaahh!" she said. "I could get so many timbits with that!" she shouted. Bonba perked up. 

"Timbits?" she shouted. "Did you say timbits?"

"All the timbits you can eat!" Kuranosuke cheered. "For the low, low price of..." he smirked at Tsukimi. "Going out with Shuu."

"TSUKIIMIIIIIII!!!!" Mayaya screamed, bursting into the room. "TSUKIMI YOU DARE NOT BETRAY US! GOING ON A DATE WITH A MALE JUST FOR AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF TIMBITS?!"

Tsukimi blushed. "I-I.." she brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. She wanted to, maybe. Kuranosuke was staring at her, and his face was kind of red. Wait, is he blushing?

He was. Kuranosuke was trying hard to keep the lump in his throat, and the thing between his legs, down. He had no fucking idea what he was feeling, but hey, sometimes, that just happened for no apparent reason. He wished there was a reason, because if he was about to be thrown out of Amumizu-kan for popping a boner, there should be a damn good reason! Maybe they wouldn't notice.

They did.

"Why does Kurako have a boner?!" Cieko shrieked.

"Hey, hey don't freak!"

They freaked. "WE MUST SCALP HIM!" Mayaya hollered. 

And they did. They first wrenched Kuranosuke's wig off, and then the rest of his light-haired scalp with a kitchen knife. Since Tsukimi had taken part in his brother's murder, Shuu decided not to go on a date with her after all, and instead called the police. The residents of Amumizu-kan were arrested and convicted for first degree murder, and they all were sentenced to a life in prison.

The End.