Work Text:
Shin wakes up.
He’s a little groggy, and he blinks a few times, tries to will away the sleepiness. He’s--on a couch? A familiar one. Oh, he knows where he is, this is Hiyori’s place. He came over to watch a movie, and…
And the movie’s playing, on the large TV in front of the couch. Onscreen, a man is struggling with some kind of machine wrapped around his chest. He seems desperate, muttering things like “come on, come on” while he tries to do something with it, until an alarm sounds. The man screams, and the machine releases giant spikes that pierce through his chest. Blood spouts all over, a few drops spattering the camera. Shin flinches.
Hiyori’s sitting next to him. His arm is around Shin’s shoulder, and he’s watching the movie with an amused smile.
Shin must have moved a little, or something, because Hiyori glances over at him and his smile widens. He reaches out to poke Shin on the forehead. “Have a nice nap, Sleeping Beauty?” Hiyori asks. “I’m surprised you could sleep through something like this. You must’ve been really tired.”
Shin definitely still feels tired. Tired enough that his memories are still a little fuzzy. He remembers arriving, and sitting down on the couch, and Hiyori saying something about a DVD, but…that’s it. Not the start of the movie, or even talking about which movie to watch.
He definitely doesn’t remember agreeing to watch this movie.
The man’s mangled body is still onscreen. Shin shifts in his seat, uncomfortable. Hiyori’s arm is a heavy weight around his shoulder.
“I guess,” Shin says, a little uncertainly. “Uh, did I…say I would watch this movie? I don’t remember.”
Hiyori blinks. “We had a whole conversation about it, it took me ages to convince you,” he says. “Don’t tell me you forgot that?”
Shin reflexively forces a smile. “I’m just a little tired, I guess,” he says. “It doesn’t matter.” He must’ve agreed to it. It’s pretty easy to imagine Hiyori talking him into something he’s not sure he wants to do; it happens all the time.
“Just sit back and enjoy the movie, and maybe start going to bed earlier,” Hiyori says, sounding amused.
“Yeah,” Shin mumbles. He looks back at the TV. It’s switched to different characters. Some of them have machines, too.
Maybe if he closes his eyes, he can fall asleep again.
But the movie’s too loud, and Hiyori’s arm around his shoulder is a little too tight to be comfortable.
Somehow he doesn’t think he’ll be able to get much sleep tonight even if he does go to bed early.
---
Shin wakes up.
He’s sitting at a table--the one in Hiyori’s kitchen. His mouth tastes faintly like cheese. The table has an open pizza box on it, a few slices missing, and there’s a plate in front of him with a slice missing a few bites. Hiyori sits across from him, chewing his own slice of pizza, looking a little like he’s waiting for Shin to say something.
Shin doesn’t remember how he got here.
Was he asleep? But he was eating. An uneasy feeling rises in Shin’s stomach; the last thing he remembers is leaving school, he didn’t even have plans to meet Hiyori today. Or did he?
Hiyori waves a little. “Hello?” he says. “Are you feeling okay? You spaced out for a second.”
Shin swallows. “What time is it?” he asks.
Hiyori glances down at his phone and taps the screen with the hand that isn’t holding a slice of pizza. “5:26,” he says. “Do you have somewhere to be?”
Shin shakes his head. “No, I just…” School lets out at 2. That’s over three hours. Why doesn’t he remember it? What happened?
Hiyori puts down his pizza and gives Shin a concerned look. “You look a little pale,” he says. “What’s up?”
“I don’t remember coming here,” Shin says, helplessly. “I was leaving school, and now I’m here. Did something happen?”
The look of concern intensifies. Hiyori wipes off his fingers on a paper napkin. “We met after school and you came over to hang out,” he says. “Nothing really important.” He cracks a small smile. “Apparently so unimportant that you’d just forget it.”
It doesn’t feel like something to joke about. Shin kind of wants to leave, but going home wouldn’t help him remember, would it? Three hours, gone.
What he’s feeling must show on his face, because Hiyori’s expression softens again and he reaches out to put his hand on Shin’s. “Hey, it’s okay,” Hiyori says. “Maybe it’s stress or something. You probably just need a minute.”
Stress would make sense, he’s got plenty of that, but--he does remember one thing. The movie last week.
What if he wasn’t just tired?
Is something wrong with him?
A sick feeling rises inside of him. If this keeps happening, then--what if the lost time keeps getting longer? What if he forgets something important? But it could just be a weird fluke, it’s only happened twice--
Unless, of course, he just doesn’t remember it.
The room feels much smaller all of a sudden.
And then Hiyori squeezes his hand, and it’s enough to jar Shin out of his thoughts.
Hiyori’s looking him straight in the eye. “You’re going to be okay,” Hiyori says firmly. “I know a doctor who can take a look at you. You’ll be fine, Shin, I promise.”
Hiyori’s promises don’t always mean much. But Shin does feel a little calmer now, even though his stomach is still twisting into knots. A doctor’ll know what to do. He’s lucky this happened when Hiyori was here; he’d probably be halfway to a panic attack by now if he was by himself.
Hiyori’s hand on his is warm, and his eyes are unusually gentle. Yeah, it’s good Hiyori’s here. Maybe he can handle this, whatever it is, if Hiyori’s here.
Maybe.
He takes a bite of his pizza. It’s cold.
---
The doctor isn’t at a clinic. She’s at some kind of research lab, some company name Shin’s never heard of. Her name, she says, from behind a curtain of green hair, is Michiru Namida.
“Um, from your symptoms, it sounds like you may have a mild neurological disorder,” she says, typing something at the laptop in her cramped office. “We’re actually doing a study on those right now. You’d be very welcome to participate in a clinical trial.”
Hiyori’s sitting in a chair next to him, holding his hand. Shin didn’t ask him to do that, or even to come with him, but he did, and Shin wasn’t really up for objecting. “That sounds promising,” Hiyori says. “So there aren’t any established treatments for this sort of thing?”
Namida shakes her head. “Um, not for this, no. Only experimental ones. They’re very safe, though, don’t worry. We’re still working on prevention of symptoms, but what we have so far will definitely let you recover any missing memories. You’d just need a little stimulus.”
There’s still a weight on Shin’s shoulders, but it lightens at the knowledge that if this does keep happening, he can at least get the memories back. “What is it, exactly?” he asks.
Namida shuffles around in a drawer and pulls out a bottle of pills. “Take one of these after every incident,” she says, and hands it to him. “It’ll help if there’s something familiar around to remind you where you are, so don’t make a habit of going to strange places or doing activities you don’t usually do. We’ll get in touch with you if we have any new information.”
Shin looks down at the bottle. The pills are on the small side, so there’s plenty of them in there. He hopes he won’t have to use a lot of them.
“Thank you, Namida,” Hiyori says, rising from his seat to bow; Shin has to rise with him. “You’re a huge help.”
“Oh, it’s, it’s no trouble, really,” Namida says, fidgeting with a pen on her desk. “It’s good to have another test subject. Um, trial participant. I’ll see you around, Hiyori.”
On the way back from the research lab, Shin says, “She seemed nervous, didn’t she?”
“It’s just her personality,” Hiyori says dismissively. “She’s a good doctor, that’s what matters.”
He pats Shin’s head. “See, I told you everything would be okay,” he says, smiling. “And who knows, maybe it won’t happen again and you won’t even need the medicine.”
Shin isn’t sure how to feel about all the physical contact. “Hopefully,” he says, smiling back, though he doesn’t really want to. It doesn’t sound like the medicine will do anything to stop memory loss from happening in the first place, just help him once it does.
That’s better than nothing, though. That’s better than spending more days like the last few, wondering if his brain is breaking down and there’s nothing he can do about it. And if it’s a trial, that means they’re improving things, that might mean they will make something that stops the memory loss entirely.
Everything’s going to be okay.
---
Shin wakes up.
He’s standing in his bedroom. Morning light filters through the blinds. But he doesn’t remember getting up, or going to bed; the last thing he remembers is eating dinner. By himself; there were leftovers in the fridge from the day before, and both his parents are out of town. He’d just finished washing his dishes, and then…
If it’s morning, he must have been asleep for most of it, so he probably didn’t lose much more than a few hours, technically. That’s good, isn’t it?
But it still sends a chill down his spine. It’s not over. It’s still happening. This probably won’t be the last time, either.
And for all he knows, he might have gone to sleep later than usual, it might’ve been more than a few hours. Is the duration increasing? Is he going to start losing entire days, eventually?
He forces the thoughts out of his head. Where’d he put the pills?
In his schoolbag. Right, okay, that should be in the living room. He heads for the door.
The doctor did mention stimulus, though, needing a reminder of what happened, and does he have anything like that? All he can really do at home is what he usually does, and maybe that’s uneventful enough to not count as stimulation--
The door opens a second before his hand reaches the doorknob.
Hiyori stands behind it, bright-eyed, wearing casual clothing. “Morning!” he chirps. “What do you want for breakfast? I don’t want to make a sick person push themselves.”
Shin stares. He knows he didn’t invite Hiyori over before dinner. Why would he do it after?
When Shin doesn’t say anything, Hiyori’s face falls. “Is it happening again?” he asks sympathetically. “C’mon, let’s get your pills. Unless you forgot where you put them?”
“Um, in my schoolbag,” Shin manages to say, and follows Hiyori to the living room. His bag is sitting next to the couch. Was that where he left it? It’s not a weird place for him to leave it, but it doesn’t feel right, somehow.
Hiyori opens the bag and rifles through it. “Here we go,” he says, pulling out the bottle of pills. “You’re only supposed to take one, right?” He opens it and shakes one out, and hands it to Shin.
That’s what the doctor said. Shin hesitates for a moment, then goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
He takes the pill with a sip of water. It goes down pretty easily, and doesn’t taste like anything.
“Maybe you should sit down,” Hiyori says, gently pushing him towards the kitchen table. Shin does, wondering how long it will take to kick in.
Stimulus, though. What’s he supposed to do for that?
Well, Hiyori’s here, and it’s definitely never boring around him.
Hiyori sits next to him and purses his lips. “I should probably tell you what happened last night,” he says. “That should jog your memory.”
“Okay,” Shin says. He’s not sure if that counts as stimulus, but it can’t hurt.
Hiyori smiles. “Well!” he says. “You called me around 6:30 and invited me over. You must get pretty lonely when your parents are out of town, huh? Of course I obliged.”
Maybe a little lonely. But he was feeling okay during dinner, or at least that’s what he remembers. He saw his parents yesterday morning, it’s not like he’d been left by himself for days.
Still, he’s invited Hiyori over before. Not often--mostly it’s the other way around--but it’s not unbelievable that he’d do it.
And…oh, there it is--
Shin can faintly see images forming in his head. Details filling in as Hiyori keeps talking, the words flowing into his head and pulling out bits and pieces of last night. He was feeling a little down after dinner; he didn’t feel like doing his homework and there wasn’t any TV he wanted to watch, and reading internet forums sometimes feels a little awkward because he sort of wants to participate but never knows what to say, so after staring into space for a bit, he called Hiyori. Right, that’s what happened.
And Hiyori came over. They talked for a while--the details on what they talked about are a little vague, but he supposes that doesn’t really matter--and ate some snacks, and it was a nice, quiet evening. He remembers feeling warm at the idea that spending time with Hiyori could be peaceful. Hiyori might be a little strange, but he’s there when it counts.
And it was late enough that Hiyori stayed over. That’s all. An uncomplicated but pleasant few hours.
Relief floods through Shin like a wave. Even if some of the details aren’t clear, it doesn’t seem like they were important. The hours aren’t gone after all. He’s lucky Hiyori was here to assist, though. It might’ve been harder if he was by himself.
Hiyori grins. “There you go, you’re looking much better now,” he says. “I didn’t think the pills would kick in that fast. I’ll have to tell Namida about it.”
Shin smiles back. “I’m glad you’re here,” he says. “I don’t know if it would’ve gone as well if you weren’t.”
Hiyori’s eyes crinkle. “Oh, Shin,” he says fondly. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
---
Shin wakes up.
He’s in class. The teacher is talking about calculus, which he normally finds sort of interesting, so he wonders why he fell asleep--
And realizes he can’t remember falling asleep.
He doesn’t remember feeling tired, either. The teacher was talking, and then…the teacher is still talking, but the subject has changed a little, and there’s more writing on the board.
Oh, he realizes.
At least this time it’s only been a few minutes. It’s the first time it’s happened in public, though. It doesn’t seem like anyone around him is looking at him--it must’ve not looked like anything, then, just him sitting at his desk as usual. It feels sort of strange that he just had a, a brain malfunction, or whatever, and nobody even noticed. Something in him is broken, and no one’s paying attention.
He pushes the thought out of his head. The good thing about no one looking at him is that he can surreptitiously take the pill bottle out of his school bag without anyone noticing; if someone asks, he can just say he has a headache, but he doesn’t want to deal with that.
Even without water, the pill goes down pretty easy. And then he waits.
A few minutes pass. Nothing.
He was hoping that the ongoing lecture would count as a reminder--but apparently it doesn’t. If no one’s directly telling him what happened, it doesn’t work.
Shin can’t just ask someone. Class is still going, he doesn’t want to make a scene. He definitely can’t ask the teacher; she’d probably just say he should’ve been paying more attention, and then everyone else’ll be annoyed at him for the interruption. He swallows and hunches in his seat, and wishes desperately that Hiyori was there.
Hiyori isn’t in his class, though, and is always busy during lunch, so he won’t get a chance to see him until after school.
Shin spends the rest of the school day on edge. It happening here once means it could happen again, doesn’t it? And he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it, and he’s not even sure if it’s safe to take more than one pill a day. Did the doctor say anything about that?
He doesn’t remember her giving many instructions, but, well…
That doesn’t really mean anything, does it.
When he does get a chance to talk to Hiyori, Hiyori seems genuinely surprised.
“In class? Really?” Hiyori says, eyebrows raised. “That’s--unexpected. Are you sure you didn’t just fall asleep for a few minutes?”
There’s a cold twist in Shin’s stomach. He didn’t think Hiyori wouldn’t believe him. “I wasn’t tired,” he says. “I guess it could’ve been that, but…I don’t think it was.”
“Huhhhh,” Hiyori says. “Well, that’s interesting. I’ll have to tell Namida about it.”
The twist eases. Hiyori was probably just surprised it was shorter than the last couple times.
Hiyori claps Shin on the shoulder. “Let me know if that happens again, all right?” he says. “We need all the data we can get.”
---
A mild neurological disorder, Namida said. It doesn’t feel mild to Shin--losing a few hours of memories, even temporarily, could be disastrous--but she’s the doctor, isn’t she?
Still, he does some research. On what memory loss is usually like, and what usually causes it.
His life is a little stressful, but not drastically so, and the past couple weeks have honestly been pretty fine otherwise. A brain tumor? But those have other symptoms, and the memory loss would come more frequently. It seems very unlikely he had a concussion while watching a movie or eating pizza, and those would still hurt after he woke up. He doesn’t have any other chronic diseases, or at least none he knows of.
It can’t be dementia, surely. He’s only 17.
Although early onset dementia is a thing, apparently, and just because it’s very rare for that to happen to a teenager it doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
…Namida said it was mild. It’s better to trust an actual doctor more than the internet.
---
Shin wakes up.
He’s in bed. The blanket feels a little different, a little lighter than the one he usually uses. This isn’t his bed, or his room; after a second of processing, he recognizes the various shelves and computers of Hiyori’s room. It’s a familiar sight.
But none of that matters, compared to the warm weight wrapped around him.
Someone’s pressed against his back, one arm around his chest. Shin doesn’t move a muscle. His heart rate starts to rise. This is--the last thing he remembers is being in the living room, Hiyori telling him about a new computer he got; this is--
He’s slept over at Hiyori’s house before, but always on an air mattress. This is--
His face starts to burn as a strange mixture of embarrassment and inexplicable fear floods through him. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe the air mattress was broken, and Hiyori convinced him to share the bed, and is just a clingy sleeper. Yeah, that must be it.
But he can’t remember.
There’s soft, warm breath against the back of his neck. Hiyori’s completely flush against him, legs tangled in his, arm around him holding him close.
Why does he feel afraid? Even if it was--his stomach twists at the thought, but if something did happen, he must’ve…enjoyed it. It would’ve been Hiyori’s idea, obviously, but Hiyori wouldn’t have pushed the issue if Shin really didn’t want to. Hiyori wouldn’t--do that.
But he can’t remember.
The breath against his neck stills for a second, and then he feels a kiss brush just below his hairline. “Morning,” Hiyori murmurs, sounding sleepily content.
Shin still doesn’t move. So it probably was--that, then.
He doesn’t know what to say or what to do, or why the twisting in his stomach still feels a lot like fear.
Another pause. “Shin?” Hiyori asks, and then the arm around him shifts, gently nudges him onto his back. Hiyori comes into view, hair mussed, wearing sleeping clothes and a worried expression.
Hiyori sighs. “Again, huh?” he asks.
Shin gives a tiny nod.
Hiyori’s eyes widen slightly. “Oh dear, you must be very surprised, then,” he says, with a smile that isn’t quite repressed. The smile turns sly. “Though you certainly seemed to enjoy it last night.”
Shin’s face burns. He doesn’t want to ask what they even did, but he doesn’t feel--sore, anywhere, so it probably wasn’t much. Unless Hiyori’s feeling that, but that seems unlikely, somehow.
“All right, I’ll stop teasing,” Hiyori says, in a tone that doesn’t make it sound like he’s planning on doing that. “I hoped this wouldn’t happen, but it’s always a possibility, so…” He leans off the bed and takes the pill bottle off the nightstand. Twisting open the lid, he shakes out a pill and hands it to Shin.
Shin sits up and swallows. Hiyori sits next to him. “Telling you seemed to work last time, so let’s try that again,” he says. “Let’s see…well, we were talking in here, and I kept thinking that I liked you being in my bedroom, and…”
As Hiyori spins the tale, images start to filter in. Hiyori seemed a little nervous last night--which was wildly out of the ordinary, so Shin asked him about it, and…the details of the confession are foggy, but Shin remembers the shock melting into something strange and tense. A tiny, anxious curiosity, the thought of what if sticking in his head, even though he’d never thought that way about Hiyori before. Or had he? No, he had, he just didn’t let himself do it very often, always assumed it could never happen.
And the curiosity bloomed into a tentative, nervous, inescapable line of thinking, wondering if it would be okay to do this, if this was the perfect setup for it. They’re the same age, and Hiyori’s parents were out, and they wouldn’t have to do very much, just…and the idea that Hiyori wanted him like that was almost dizzying, the idea that anyone at all wanted him but especially Hiyori, that this could happen, right here, right now, not some nervous hope for some unspecified person in the future but Hiyori right now, if he just went along with it, he’d…they’d…
And then he went along with it.
Hiyori pauses. “I think you get the gist of it now,” he says with a grin, “but if you want a real reminder…”
He leans over and takes Shin’s face in his hand, and kisses him on the mouth.
It’s not Shin’s first kiss, apparently, but it feels like it is. Morning breath must not be as much of an issue as he thought it was, because once Hiyori coaxes his mouth open there’s no particular taste, just a wet warmth that sends a shiver down his body. The strange fear has shifted into butterflies, fluttering anxiously but not unhappily.
It’s the same as last night, but then they were standing, and now they’re already in bed. Hiyori pulls him in closer, and then nudges him back onto his back, and clambers over him, pressing him down with his entire body. The foggy memories start to clear up with every passing second. It feels both familiar and unfamiliar, a strange, disorienting sequence of all of this being brand new and then a second later being something he’s already done. He’s never been kissed before--no, he has; he’s never been this close to anyone before--but he was, last night; he’s never felt someone growing hard against him before--but that did happen, it did.
It’s almost overwhelming. It’s too easy to let Hiyori take the lead, his brain too swimming in contradicting feelings to focus. If there’s one thing that helps, it’s that the actions aren’t quite the same; he remembers last night being careful and a little awkward, neither of them completely confident in what they were doing, until they eventually figured out the rhythm. Now, Hiyori’s barely giving him space to breathe, pinning him down and grinding their hips together in a rhythm much faster and more forceful than last night’s fumbling. It’s--it’s a lot to take in. Maybe too much.
But it’s helping Shin remember, and it’s not like it feels bad. Heat is building up inside him, filling his entire body, his clothed erection sliding against Hiyori’s with every movement of Hiyori’s hips. If his fractured brain is having a little difficulty processing all of it at once, that’s his problem, not Hiyori’s.
Hiyori’s lips move to his neck, and Shin’s short gasp for air turns into a moan as Hiyori’s hand slips into his boxers. Maybe the change in behavior is just because Hiyori knows what he’s doing now. Which makes it unfair that Shin isn’t quite caught up yet; maybe if he remembered, he wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed, he’d be more confident. He does remember that last night felt nice, really nice, and this feels…
The slide of Hiyori’s hand on his cock is a little rougher than he’d like, a little faster. Cloth shifts, and then Hiyori’s cock is pressed against his, Hiyori’s hand wrapping around both of them; his breath stutters, his voice catches as he tries to say something, but he doesn’t know what to say in the first place. Not--not the first thing that comes to mind. If he wanted to do this last night, he should want to do it now, too.
Maybe it does feel a little…not as good.
But he must be enjoying it on some level, as his breath turns ragged and the heat and pressure in his groin start to crest. Hiyori kisses him again, swallowing his voice. It’s all too much, too much; he shudders as he comes into Hiyori’s hand, cry muffled.
Hiyori doesn’t take much longer. He smiles down at Shin, eyes bright. “Did that jog your memory?” he says.
It did, so…Shin nods. But he feels worn out, even though he didn’t really do anything. He feels strangely itchy, uncomfortable, still nervous even though it’s over now. He feels…he’s not sure what he feels, exactly.
Hiyori frowns a little. “Aw, you look tired,” he says. “Wait here while I clean up, and then you can go back to sleep, okay? There’s no school today, you can stay in bed a while longer.”
Is tired one of the things he feels? Probably. At the very least the idea of not having to think about any of this for a while sounds nice.
Most of the come ended up on Hiyori’s hand, but some of it splattered onto Shin’s shirt; Hiyori hands him a new one, and he changes into it on autopilot. It’s soft and a bit threadbare, like it’s been worn a lot; Shin vaguely remembers that it’s what Hiyori usually wears when he’s staying over. By contrast, what Hiyori’s wearing right now looks newer.
Hiyori smiles and sits down next to him, and runs his hands across Shin’s shoulders. “Looks good on you,” he says. “Now get some sleep.” He leans down to press a kiss to Shin’s forehead. Soft, brief.
Shin closes his eyes. He does feel tired now, and maybe when he’s more awake this’ll be easier to deal with.
He falls asleep to the feeling of Hiyori petting his hair.
---
Some things change, after that.
Hiyori was never averse to touching Shin before, but now he does it all the time, puts an arm around his waist or ruffles his hair or kisses him out of nowhere. It’s weird at first, but not bad, really. People don’t touch Shin very often. And it makes him feel warm, that there’s someone who looks at what he knows is a pretty average person at best and thinks, I like you, you’re cute, I want to touch you, I want to be around you.
It even takes away some of the discomfort when Hiyori gets handsier than Shin’s entirely up for, because isn’t it a little dizzying, that someone thinks he’s desirable enough to still want him even when he’s reluctant?
They don’t do…anything else, which is a relief, though Shin’s not sure why. If they’re having one kind of sex, and he’s mostly okay with it, shouldn’t he want to have another one? But it doesn’t sound appealing, somehow.
Once, when they’re in the middle of things, Hiyori whispers about it in Shin’s ear; Shin freezes up, and Hiyori immediately assures him they don’t have to if he doesn’t want to, he’s happy with just this. It’s a weight off Shin’s shoulders, and Hiyori’s even more affectionate afterwards, all gentle touches and soft kisses. Hiyori’s been so nice lately. Is it because of Shin’s illness, or the relationship? Shin decides it doesn’t really matter.
He’s been waiting long enough for Hiyori to be nicer. If the only drawback is being a little uncomfortable sometimes, he can handle it.
---
Shin wakes up.
He’s at the door to his family’s apartment, key in hand, ready to turn the lock. And that’s where he’s supposed to be; he was on his way home from school, almost at the building.
He’s lost maybe…five minutes?
It might be more than five minutes, if something happened between now and then. Five minutes is about how long it takes for him to get from that point to this point, but…he pulls out his phone and checks the time. Even if he doesn’t know exactly what time it should be, it might give him an idea.
Based on how long it usually takes him to get home from school, he’s about ten minutes late.
So it isn’t that he’s lost five minutes of walking. He’s lost that, plus ten minutes of…what?
He was almost at the building. What could he have even done?
Anything, though, is the thing, and--and he doesn’t remember it.
The weather’s warm, but Shin feels cold.
Maybe someone called him? His parents, or Hiyori? He checks his call history; nothing. Did he stop to talk to a neighbor? Why would he do that? And which neighbor? There are a lot of apartments here. The idea of knocking on even one door to ask makes his stomach squirm; bothering theoretically all of them is out of the question. He doesn’t even really know any of his neighbors, anyway, so he doesn’t know why he’d talk to one.
The pills didn’t work when he took one in class that time. They probably won’t work now. But what else can he do? He enters the apartment and takes the bottle out of his schoolbag, swallows one, waits.
Nothing. He shouldn’t have even bothered; now he’s wasted one.
Shin sits down at the kitchen table, puts his head in his hands, and tries to stay calm.
There’s nothing missing from his schoolbag, and he doesn’t feel hurt anywhere. Probably nothing dangerous happened. He couldn’t have walked very far in ten minutes, especially since he’d have to double back to go home. But something happened, didn’t it?
Then he remembers that Hiyori said to tell him if this happened again, so--
Hiyori’s voice on the phone is calm and thoughtful. “Interesting,” he says. “And upsetting, of course. How’re you feeling?”
Shin swallows. “Can you come over?” he asks. His parents are at work right now, and even when they get back they’ll probably be tired and unhappy; lately their jobs have been pushing extra hours and more business trips on them, leaving them with little time and less patience. Not that them being here would help, but being alone right now feels…
Hiyori’s voice warms. “Of course,” he says. “I’ll be right there.”
When Hiyori arrives, the first thing he does is hug Shin. Shin melts into it a little, clings to the comfort of another person’s presence.
Hiyori rubs his back. “I know this is scary for you,” he murmurs. “But I’ll always be here for you, I promise.”
Hiyori’s such a good friend. Boyfriend, maybe? Shin isn’t sure. But whatever it is, he knows he wouldn’t be able to handle any of this without him. The other kids at school don’t notice him, his parents don’t care about him--all he has is Hiyori.
He doesn’t know what Hiyori is getting out of this, exactly. There’s nothing special about Shin. Right now Shin’s more of a burden than anything else, even. So maybe if Hiyori gets a little pushier about sex than Shin feels like, it’s okay, because that’s at least something he can do for him, that’s a way he can be useful.
What would he do without Hiyori?
Shin doesn’t even want to think about it.
Hiyori pulls back. “So, go over it one more time for me?” he asks. “Just so I have a clear picture.”
Shin explains, and they end up on the living room couch, Hiyori’s arm around his shoulder. “Yes, that’s very odd,” Hiyori says. “I’ll tell Namida about it. You might need an adjustment in your medication.”
That sounds like a good idea, if it’s possible. And besides, it’s been a few weeks; they might’ve made some progress by now, right?
“But for now, I think it’s probably for the best to keep going with this one,” Hiyori continues. “You haven’t taken very much of it, there’s not enough data yet. Just keep me updated, and I’ll let you know if Namida has anything for you.” He smiles, and presses a kiss to Shin’s forehead.
The small hope Shin just had fades. Well, Hiyori’s the one who knows a doctor; he probably knows more about this than Shin does.
How does Hiyori know her, exactly? He hasn’t said.
Shin nods. Thinking about all this too much always makes his mind spiral down into an unpleasant anxiety, so he should put it aside for now.
It won’t be like this forever. There are doctors studying it, Namida said they were working on prevention--it’s scary now, but they’ll find something eventually. It’s going to be okay.
Shin rests his head on Hiyori’s shoulder and tells himself it’s going to be okay.
---
Shin wakes up.
Before, he always woke up when he opened his eyes; even if the first time he was a little fuzzy, it was always like waking up from sleep. But this time, it’s dark at first. He’s not completely conscious. The only thing he registers is physical feeling, and it’s oddly muted, like it’s happening far away. He wonders if he’s dreaming. It sort of feels like that.
The feeling is…good, sort of. Familiar, but not entirely. Warmth, and pressure--someone’s on top of him. And…
His eyes snap open.
The good feeling ebbs and flows; but it’s joined by a sudden, stomach-curdling confusion. He’s naked, in bed, and someone’s on top of him with their head bent over his shoulder to mouth at his neck, and in his lower body there’s something moving--
And the last thing he remembers is starting history class.
He knows what’s happening. He knows who the other person is, even. Every thrust punctuates it with a horrible jolt. The head over his shoulder has green hair, and there’s only one person it would be, anyway, but--but--Hiyori said he didn’t want to do this if Shin didn’t want to, and--
Now that he’s fully conscious, it doesn’t feel good at all anymore. He’s fully aware of the painful stretch, the feeling of being stuffed full in too little space, the rough, back-and-forth burn. Nausea rises inside him, thick and burning, and he finds himself unable to move, so paralyzed by the mix of confusion, pain, and fear.
Hiyori said--
Shin must’ve agreed to it. Hiyori wouldn’t force him. But why would Hiyori even suggest it in the first place? Was the other sex not enough? He said it was. Was he lying? But he cares about Shin, doesn’t he, it matters to him that Shin doesn’t want to--or maybe it doesn’t.
Shin’s head floods. He doesn’t know what to think. The seconds drag, and Hiyori’s breath is hot against his neck. He dimly registers that he’s hard, but not as much as he was when he first woke up.
Was he enjoying it before the blackout happened?
It could be seconds or minutes or hours before Hiyori finally pauses his ministrations and raises his head. “Shin?” he asks.
Relief trickles into Shin’s head. There, Hiyori can tell something’s up, he does care. And just like always, Hiyori figures it out before Shin can tell him.
Hiyori frowns. “Well, that’s inconvenient,” he says. His hands are on Shin’s hips; he takes them off and leans over the side of the bed, grabbing the pill bottle off the nightstand. “Your brain sure knows how to pick the right time to fritz out, Shin.” He hands Shin a pill and puts the bottle back.
It’ll be a little hard to swallow while he’s still on his back, but…Shin’s face burns as he looks away and mumbles, “Um, could you…pull out…”
“Oh, sure.” Hiyori does, with a sort of unpleasant wet sound. Shin almost sags with relief. There’s still a lingering ache, but most of the pain’s gone and so is the horrible fullness. He sits up, a little discomforted with the general…looseness, and swallows the pill.
Hiyori, sitting back on his thighs between Shin’s legs, says, “Time for another rundown, I suppose.” Shin’s stomach twists a little. Hiyori doesn’t sound angry, exactly, but he’s not as sympathetic as he usually is. Is he annoyed he had to stop in the middle? That wasn’t Shin’s fault, though--though Shin isn’t really complaining about that, is he.
The pill didn’t go down as easy this time. Shin swallows again. “You said you were fine not doing this if I didn’t want to,” he mumbles. “Did you change your mind?”
Hiyori sighs. “I said that pretty early on,” he says. “I didn’t think I’d get bored so easily. Not that what we usually do isn’t fun, but a little variety would be nice, you know? Besides, that’s just fooling around. Real couples don’t stop there. I always assumed you’d change your mind eventually, if you wanted this to be a serious relationship.”
He says it in an almost bored tone, like he’s said it before. Which he has--maybe not those exact words, but the meaning of it resurfaces in Shin’s mind, vague memories of a similar speech. And he remembers feeling a little nervous, but not that nervous. He remembers thinking that it might be okay if it was Hiyori, Hiyori wouldn’t hurt him, and anyway people are supposed to like this, he probably just has to get used to it.
But he didn’t like it, it did hurt, and…
“If you were a little uncomfortable when you woke up, it was probably just because of the surprise,” Hiyori says, raising one shoulder in a half-shrug. “You seemed to like it before that. Well, not immediately, but it didn’t take too long.”
Does that sound right? It did feel good before he was completely awake. Maybe he’d gotten used to the pain by then, and it was only losing his memory of it that brought him back to step one.
Yeah, that’s what the memories are suggesting. They’re still not completely clear, but it feels like that’s what happened.
Still…
No, that’s what happened. It seems clearer and clearer that he agreed to do this.
“So if you’re done with the intermission, I’d like to get back to it,” Hiyori says, and braces his hands on Shin’s hips again, raises an eyebrow meaningfully. Shin’s stomach falls. He’d sort of hoped Hiyori wouldn’t be in the mood anymore, even though it seemed unlikely.
Still, Shin shifts back down obediently, rests his head on the pillow and stares up at the ceiling. Maybe now that the memories are back, it’ll feel good again.
Hiyori leans in and kisses him. “Relax,” he murmurs. “You’re always so tense when we’re having fun, you’d enjoy it more if you just let go.”
Shin gives a tiny nod and closes his eyes, and waits.
He tries not to grit his teeth as Hiyori enters him again. It still hurts, though, and it’s still so uncomfortable, so strange. Hiyori lets out a low, happy sound and starts rocking into him with a steady rhythm, fingers digging into his hips.
He tries to relax. He tries to let go. But it just doesn’t feel any better, and his stomach churns with every thrust. The nausea returns, thick in his throat.
Hair tickles his face as Hiyori leans in. “You feel so good, Shin,” he murmurs into Shin’s ear. “I always knew you would. I used to imagine you like this all the time, the sounds you’d make, how hot and tight you’d be.”
Shin’s face burns. Hiyori likes talking sometimes, but it always makes Shin feel awkward and embarrassed, and right now he doesn’t want the extra distraction.
Hiyori lets out a small laugh. “So cute,” he murmurs, and nips at Shin’s ear.
Why does it feel bad? People like this, don’t they? They wouldn’t do it if it felt like this, surely. So there must be something wrong here. Either they’re just doing it wrong, somehow, or…or maybe there’s just something wrong with Shin.
And there is, isn’t there. His brain’s falling apart. That must be, be, interfering, somehow, wires getting crossed so something that should feel good doesn’t. If Shin was normal, he’d be enjoying this, he wouldn’t have annoyed Hiyori like that. Everything would be fine if it wasn’t for him.
Pain blooms in Shin’s lower body after a particularly hard thrust; he bites his lip to hold back a cry. He can’t ruin this for Hiyori. It’s not Hiyori’s fault Shin’s broken; Hiyori said it himself, he was looking forward to this, it’s not fair that he’d be denied it just because Shin can’t handle it.
Just endure it, Shin tells himself, as the sickening drag inside him makes his eyes water and a pained whimper escape his throat. It’ll be over eventually. It’ll--it’ll stop, but, but even when it’s done Shin will still be sick, and if Hiyori enjoys doing this he’ll probably want to do it again eventually, and…
Tears roll down the corners of Shin’s tightly-shut eyes, landing in his hair. A hot flush of shame rises up; there’s no way Hiyori didn’t see that, he must know that Shin isn’t reacting normally. He’ll be so disappointed.
Something hot and wet brushes against one of the tear tracks. Hiyori’s tongue, Shin realizes.
It laps up one last escaping droplet, and then withdraws. The harsh thrusting doesn’t pause.
It’s hard to bite back more whimpering; it’s hard to hold back more tears. Shin feels sick with shame; he desperately wishes this will end soon, and then feels even worse, because if Hiyori’s enjoying it he shouldn’t take that away from him. It’s all so pathetic. In fact, Hiyori’s probably enjoying this less now, because of Shin. Why does Hiyori even bother with Shin? Will this make him realize how much of a burden Shin really is, and leave?
But it does end eventually, Hiyori letting out a low groan and a burst of heat appearing inside him. Shin realizes Hiyori’s wearing a condom--somehow he didn’t notice earlier, too wrapped up in getting his memories back--and feels even worse, because that was probably an accommodation for Shin, Hiyori probably would’ve preferred not to wear one. Hiyori keeps doing things for him and Shin never does anything in return. He really is going to leave, isn’t he.
Shin’s shaking after Hiyori pulls out. He feels like he’s falling; he feels like he’s drowning. His head hurts. He can barely think. He curls into a ball and presses his head to his knees and just feels worse, and worse, and worse.
Shamefully, he wants that gentle affection Hiyori sometimes shows, but of course there isn’t any. Everything feels overheated. His lower body still aches. His head is pounding.
“I should’ve figured that’d be too much for you,” Hiyori says. He sighs, almost dramatically. “I thought you were less delicate than that, but evidently I overestimated you.”
“I’m sorry,” Shin sobs. “I’ll do better n-next time.” His voice catches; he doesn’t want there to be a next time, just the idea of it makes his stomach roil, but, but, this is what Hiyori wants, he should do what Hiyori wants.
“You think there’ll be a next time?” Hiyori says, sounding disbelieving. “Clearly you can’t handle it. Honestly, you might be better off if we just broke this off entirely. The sex was getting boring anyway.”
Shin’s world is falling apart, and so is his head. He looks up, sees Hiyori sitting on the edge of the bed, expression horribly indifferent. The condom’s already off, probably in the trash. “Please, I’m sorry,” he begs. “Please don’t go.” If Hiyori leaves him, he’ll be completely alone, with a decaying brain and no one who cares about him enough to try to fix it. If Hiyori leaves him, he might as well be dead.
Hiyori gives him a calculating look, then leans over and rests his hand on Shin’s face, his thumb caressing across the tears streaming down it. Shin’s chest squeezes like a vise. He feels like he’s going to shatter at any moment. His vision blurs, his head throbs so hard it feels like it’s going to burst open.
“Well,” Hiyori says, “if you’re really so desperate,”
Shin wakes up.
He’s sitting in bed, arms around his knees, naked. His face feels strangely wet. Hiyori’s sitting next to him, also naked, a hand on his face. “--then I could think of a few things…” Hiyori says, and trails off, looking at Shin.
For just a second, Hiyori’s eyes are so bright they could light up the sky.
And then his face shifts down into concern. “Another blackout?” he says. “I’m so sorry.” He glances down at the general state of affairs between them. “And you must be so confused--that disease really has terrible timing.”
It’s hardly the first time Shin’s been naked in bed with Hiyori, but--his face is wet, his eyes feel swollen, and his lower body…it paints a confusing and unpleasant picture. Shin feels traces of cold fear rising up in his stomach. What happened? Why was he crying?
Hiyori grabs the pill bottle off the nightstand; Shin takes one and swallows it almost on automatic. Hiyori wouldn’t--there has to be an explanation, there has to.
And then Hiyori pulls him into his arms, tucks his head over his shoulder. “This must seem scary,” he murmurs, rubbing Shin’s back. “Don’t worry, you’re okay, I promise. We were…well, I was looking into some things, and I thought I could make you feel good with just my fingers. You agreed to it. Do you remember?”
The memories flicker into being. He’d been a little nervous, but fingers didn’t seem so bad; and Hiyori promised they could stop at any time if he didn’t like it. It was sort of exciting, even. He’d been a little curious what it would feel like.
Hiyori strokes his hair. “You got a little overwhelmed,” he continues. “You kept insisting you were fine, but it took me too long to realize you weren’t. I’m so sorry, Shin. This is all my fault.”
The details are…murkier, than they’ve been in the past. But the overall feelings are clear, and they match up perfectly with what Hiyori’s saying.
The fear eases. Of course it wasn’t anything bad. And Hiyori’s being so nice right now; even with the lingering ache, it’s easy to sink into Hiyori’s kindness. Hiyori wouldn’t hurt him. It was just a mistake. Probably one lots of couples make, even.
“It’s okay,” Shin says, and relishes in the warmth of Hiyori’s body against his. “It was my fault too, I shouldn’t’ve pretended I was okay.”
Hiyori pulls back, and takes Shin’s head in his hands, and kisses him. It’s familiar by now, but still comforting. Hiyori really does care about him. Even if Hiyori is still a little weird sometimes, he’s a really good…
Shin pulls back. “Hey, Hiyori,” he says. “Are we dating?”
Hiyori blinks, then smiles, wide and satisfied. “Of course,” he says. “I could never let go of someone like you.”
Shin resists a laugh. Yeah, Hiyori’s still a little weird. But maybe that’s endearing, in its way.
Suddenly, Shin feels a wave of dizziness. He touches his hand to his head, barely managing to avoid falling over.
“Shin?” Hiyori asks, his voice shifting into worry. “Are you feeling okay?”
“Just kind of tired, I think,” Shin mumbles. “I think I should lie down.”
“Probably the medication,” Hiyori says. “It’s okay. Rest as long as you want, I’ll be here.”
Shin settles down in the bed. It’s a little sweaty, but he’s tired enough to not care.
As his eyes close and he feels Hiyori brush some hair out of his face, the last thing he hears is Hiyori murmuring, “No, I’ll never let you go.”
---
Shin wakes up.
He’s in class, listening to a lecture on history. For a moment, he wonders if it’s the same type of blackout he had in class last time--only a few minutes. But he remembers what the teacher was writing on the blackboard, and all that’s really changed is that she finished writing the sentence.
So not very long at all, then. A minute? Less than that?
Taking a pill won’t do any good, he knows that by now. He stays where he is and starts taking notes, instead. He really should do that in class more often, but, ironically, his memory used to be pretty good; he’s not used to needing to.
He finishes jotting down what the teacher just wrote.
Shin wakes up.
He’s still in class. The teacher is still talking.
There are two new lines on the blackboard, and he’s apparently copied down both of them.
Uneasy, he checks the time on his phone. He doesn’t know exactly when the last blackout happened, but it was somewhere near the start of class; and according to the clock, class only started ten minutes ago.
Another one, so soon? That hasn’t happened before. But he’s in class. There really isn’t anything he can do, besides try taking a pill, which he knows won’t do any good.
Shin wakes up.
His phone was in his hand, but now it’s back in his pocket. There are only a couple new lines on the blackboard.
Ice starts to trickle up his spine.
At least, at least he’s in class. Nothing dangerous is happening. He even basically knows what he’s missing. He checks his phone for the time.
Shin wakes up.
His phone is back in his pocket.
He takes a deep breath, but not too loudly, in case anyone notices. He carefully puts his phone on the desk.
He can feel tinges of panic starting to set in. That won’t do him any good; whatever’s happening right now, the only way he’ll get through it is if he stays calm and waits it out. It’ll stop eventually.
Shin wakes up.
He can feel tinges of panic starting to set in. That won’t do him any good; whatever’s happening right now, the only way he’ll get through it is if he stays calm and waits it out. It’ll stop eventually.
His phone shows that only a few minutes have passed since the last time he checked it. He remembers maybe…a minute of that?
Shin wakes up.
His phone shows that about four minutes have passed since the last time he checked it. He remembers maybe…a minute of that?
Shin wakes up.
He knows that something is very, very wrong.
And he’s sitting in class, listening to a lecture. All around him are other students, paying attention or not paying attention, some writing notes, some staring into space, some surreptitiously checking their phones. None of them are looking at him.
There’s a low ache in the back of his head. He stuffs his hands into his pockets; they’re starting to shake.
Shin wakes up.
No one else here knows what’s happening to him. They probably wouldn’t care even if they did know, but they don’t, and if they looked at him right now all they’d see is another student sitting at a desk. He’s staying still and quiet, trying to keep the panic off his face, and everything that’s happening is only in his head, they don’t know anything’s happening at all.
It feels like he’s drowning, and nobody notices.
Shin wakes up.
How many times has it been? He’s sweating, he can’t concentrate. Should he ask to go to the nurse’s office? But the teacher doesn’t know what’s going on with him either; she’d probably think he was faking to get out of class. A headache sounds plausible, but that probably wouldn’t be enough. And she still might think he was faking.
Shin wakes up.
A headache sounds plausible, but that probably wouldn’t be enough. And she still might think he was faking.
He has to keep looking normal. Keep his face blank, try not to sweat, don’t move. It’s the last class of the day; if he can hold out until it’s over, he can call Hiyori and, would Hiyori even know what to do? What if this doesn’t stop even after he takes a pill and Hiyori tells him what happened?
Shin wakes up.
The room feels too small. It doesn’t feel like he’s really in his body anymore, or maybe his body is the only thing there is, and he’s trapped in it. He can’t move. He can’t think. Thinking is all he can do, but the only thing in his head is a scream.
Shin wakes up.
The only thing in his head is a scream.
Shin wakes up.
The only thing in his head is a scream.
Shin wakes up.
Shin wakes up.
Shin wakes up.
Shin wakes up.
Class is over.
Everyone else is leaving. His body moves without any input from him, automatically putting his things into his schoolbag and walking out of the classroom.
Shin wakes up.
He’s outside the school building, standing in a shadowed area beneath a tree. No one’s looking his way. He pulls out his phone and dials Hiyori’s number.
After a few rings, Hiyori picks up. “Hey!” he says cheerfully. “What’s up?”
Now Shin has to actually concentrate enough to pick out the right words. It’s hard, though, and he stammers, unused to conscious thought. “U-um, can you come to the tree by the practice building, I think I’m--”
Shin wakes up.
His phone is back in his pocket.
He finished the call, right? Hiyori should be on his way.
He slumps against the tree and waits. He doesn’t know what class Hiyori’s in, but none of them are far enough from here that it’d take more than a few minutes, and school only just ended.
Shin wakes up.
Hiyori isn’t here yet.
Shin wakes up.
Hiyori isn’t here yet.
Shin wakes up.
Hiyori isn’t here yet.
…he did finish the call, right? Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he couldn’t really convey what was happening and Hiyori isn’t coming.
He pulls out his phone and dials Hiyori’s number again.
Shin wakes up.
“--actually not at school right now, I was taking the day off for family reasons,” Hiyori is saying. “But don’t worry, I’m on my way! It’ll be about fifteen minutes.”
Shin wakes up.
He looks at his phone. How long ago did Hiyori say that?
Shin wakes up.
He looks at his phone. It’s been a couple minutes since the last time he checked it.
Shin wakes up.
He looks at his phone. It’s been about a minute since the last time he checked it.
Shin wakes up.
Hiyori has a hand on his arm, and they’re walking out of school. “--right over here,” Hiyori says. “Don’t worry about the fee, I’m marking it as a business expense.” There’s a cab outside the school gates.
Shin wakes up.
He’s in a cab with Hiyori. “--think we should wait until we get to Namida to try another one,” Hiyori says. “Just in case.”
In case of what, Shin doesn’t know. But Hiyori’s here, so it’s going to be okay, isn’t it?
Shin wakes up.
He’s still in the cab. His head is resting against Hiyori’s shoulder. Hiyori’s hand is wrapped around his.
Shin wakes up.
He’s still in the cab.
Shin wakes up.
Hiyori’s ushering him into a building he vaguely recognizes. Through the front door, and up an elevator. They’re still holding hands.
Shin wakes up.
They’re in the cramped office from before, but instead of behind her desk, Namida is standing with them. “--see what you mean,” she says, wringing her hands. “Um, okay, we should do an MRI, I think. It’s on the--”
Shin wakes up.
It’s like the world is flickering, second by second. He’s in one place and then he’s somewhere else and then he’s somewhere else. His thoughts don’t even have time to catch up.
Shin wakes up.
It’s like the world is flickering,
Shin wakes up.
It’s like the world
Shin wakes up.
It’s like
Shin wakes up.
There’s a different pill in his hand. “--it,” Hiyori says, and hands him a paper cup of water.
Shin wakes up.
The pill and the cup are gone.
Shin wakes up.
He’s in a chair.
Shin wakes up.
He’s in a chair. Hiyori is standing nearby, talking to Namida.
Shin wakes up.
He’s in a chair. Hiyori is standing nearby, talking to Namida. He can’t quite make out what they’re saying.
Shin wakes up.
He’s in a chair. Hiyori is standing in front of him. “Hey,” Hiyori says, gently. “How’re you doing?”
Shin swallows. His mouth is dry. “I don’t know,” he says.
Hiyori lets out a small laugh. “Of course you don’t,” he says.
Shin wakes up.
He’s in a chair. Hiyori’s in the chair next to him, and Namida is standing in front of them, holding a sheet of paper.
“Um, the damage is pretty extensive, but I don’t think there’s too much need for alarm,” she says. The paper shows a brain scan, or at least Shin thinks it does; he’s never seen one in person before. The image definitely looks like a brain from a few different angles.
The brain is covered in tiny black dots.
“With, um, with different medication, it should heal,” Namida continues. “Just rest for a few days. I think.”
Shin wakes up.
“--pretty doable,” Hiyori says. He looks at Shin. “Right?”
Shin hesitates. “Um, could you repeat that?” he asks.
Hiyori laughs. “Sure,” he says, and does.
Eventually, they’re at Hiyori’s house.
“I’ll go ahead and text your parents and tell them you’re staying over for a few days,” Hiyori says, opening the front door. “I’ve got some clothes you can wear, and I think in the bathroom cabinet there’s a toothbrush that hasn’t been used. It’ll be like a sleepover, huh?” He smiles.
Shin gives a fragile smile back. It’s easier to process everything now, but time still skips. He’d rather be with Hiyori than his parents right now.
“And of course school’s a no-go,” Hiyori says. He leans in and kisses Shin on the forehead. “Don’t worry,” he murmurs. “I’ll take care of everything.”
The next few days are…nice.
Shin doesn’t have to go anywhere or do anything besides take one of the new pills every hour. There’s even an alarm on his phone to make sure he does it. The blackouts get less and less frequent, and he only has a few anxiety spirals about the fact that apparently he has brain damage.
Hiyori isn’t going to school either, though he does leave the house for a few hours a day, claiming to have important things to do. Shin always feels tense and anxious when Hiyori’s gone, but the idea of asking him to stay feels even worse; Hiyori’s being so helpful, Shin really doesn’t have the right to ask for anything more. And Hiyori doesn’t seem to mind Shin’s clinginess when he returns.
On the evening of the first day, Shin asks him where his parents are.
Hiyori gives a dismissive wave. “They’re out of town a lot,” he says. “Won’t be here all week. I’m used to living by myself.” He smiles and puts his hand over Shin’s. “But of course I’m very happy to have you here.”
They share a bed every night, but they don’t have sex. Shin would if Hiyori wanted to, but Hiyori claims he doesn’t want to push a sick person. Shin is quietly, guiltily relieved.
On the morning of the third day, Hiyori smiles at him in bed and says, “You know, I’m really enjoying having you here. I wonder what it’d be like if you just stayed.”
Shin blinks. “Like, move in with you?” he asks.
Hiyori nods. “It’s not like you get anything out of living with your parents, right?” he says. “And you spend so much time over here anyway. I think it’d be good for you to live with someone who cares about you.”
Shin’s stomach squirms a little. His parents aren’t bad people. They’re just…busy a lot, and too tired to spend time with him when they’re free. He’s not unhappy living with them.
Is he?
“Maybe…after graduation?” Shin suggests hesitantly. He doesn’t know if he’s going to college, but moving out of your parents’ house after high school is pretty reasonable, right? And they probably wouldn’t object.
Hiyori pouts. “Aw, if you insist,” he says. “But if you change your mind, just let me know.”
On the fourth day, Shin hasn’t had a blackout since the previous evening. Apparently Namida said it’d be okay for him to go home if that’s the case, as long as he keeps the rest of the new pills with him. So he heads home, promising Hiyori that he’ll let him know if anything happens.
His parents do welcome him back, which lifts his spirits a little; then his mom mutters something about burdening friends, and he thinks, maybe…
No. After graduation.
---
A week passes.
It’s been a few days since the last time Shin had a blackout, and that was only for a few seconds. The new pills are so much better than the old ones. It’s a good thing Namida had them ready.
He’s at Hiyori’s house again, but just to hang out this time, mostly; Hiyori called him over after school, said he had news from Namida.
“They’ve finally developed something that should get rid of the memory loss for good,” Hiyori says, beaming. He’s holding a bottle with just one pill in it. “Go on, take it.”
Shin takes the pill from him. It looks a lot like the first ones did. He swallows it down with some water, and waits, sitting next to Hiyori on the living room couch.
Suddenly, his vision starts to blur. A wave of dizziness hits him; he slumps against Hiyori’s shoulder.
Hiyori’s saying something, he thinks. But he’s so tired, and the world is spinning, and the world is fading, and,
Shin wakes up.
He’s a little groggy, and he blinks a few times, tries to will away the sleepiness. He’s--on a couch? A familiar one. Oh, he knows where he is, this is Hiyori’s place. He came over to watch a movie, and…
And the movie’s playing, on the large TV in front of the couch. Onscreen, a man is struggling with some kind of machine wrapped around his chest. He seems desperate, muttering things like “come on, come on” while he tries to do something with it, until an alarm sounds. The man screams, and the machine releases giant spikes that pierce through his chest. Blood spouts all over, a few drops spattering the camera. Shin flinches.
Hiyori’s sitting next to him. His arm is around Shin’s shoulder, and he’s watching the movie with an amused smile.
Shin must have moved a little, or something, because Hiyori glances over at him and his smile widens. He reaches out to poke Shin on the forehead. “Have a nice nap, Sleeping Beauty?” Hiyori asks. “I’m surprised you could sleep through something like this. You must’ve been really tired.”
Shin’s forehead creases. He came over to…watch a movie, didn’t he?
His head hurts.
He touches his fingers to his forehead, and winces. He didn’t hit his head on anything, did he?
Hiyori frowns. “Are you feeling okay?”
“Just a headache,” Shin says, but it feels…
“Hmmmmm,” Hiyori says, looking thoughtful. “You know, I hear headaches can be a symptom of all sorts of things.” He flashes a smile. “Who knows, maybe it’s a brain tumor?”
Shin resists the urge to roll his eyes. Why is Hiyori like this.
“I don’t think it’s anything serious,” Shin says. “I just…” He hesitates. “Did I say I wanted to watch this movie?”
Hiyori raises his eyebrows. “You don’t remember?” he says. “Maybe it is something.”
“I’m probably just tired,” Shin says. Though now that Hiyori’s brought it up, the idea brings a tiny curl of unease to his stomach.
“Well,” Hiyori says, and leans in, presses a kiss to Shin’s forehead. “Let me know if it happens again, okay?” He smiles so fondly.
“I know a doctor who can take a look at you.”