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Please don’t leave me, Alec.
There weren’t many certainties in life, and Shadowhunters especially were not promised anything in the way of stability or permanence, but Jace knew that he had one thing, one person, that he could always count on - Alec. He wasn’t sure when things had changed, or even to what extent they had changed, but he knew that something was not the way it used to be. It was a terrifying, thrilling new thought. To him, Alec was home.
Once upon a time, before Magnus existed in their lives, Alec was all stony expressions and dark clothes and carefully guarded secrets. He was a shadow of the man Jace knew now. Alec was the first person who accepted Jace as he was, for everything that he was, even when he made mistakes, and loved him in spite of it all. He was the first person who wanted him - a stray that belonged to no one. When Alec loved someone, he loved them with his entire being; he had no expectations, no conditions, no agendas or plans or ulterior motives. Alec was a light in his life, the light, but over the years, the spark that made him so vibrant began to suffocate, until all that remained was a flicker of the Alec Jace knew when he first came to the Lightwoods all those years ago. He gave everything for his loved ones, but saved nothing for himself. Alec dedicated his life to the Institute, the Clave, his parents, his siblings, and humanity itself until he had nothing left to give. Until he was empty, spent, done. One of Jace’s biggest regrets was never realising how far Alec retreated into himself, hiding who he was for fear of losing everything and everyone he’d fought for. But, by the grace of Raziel, or, really, by the spell of the truth from a warlock who wore his heart on his sleeve, Jace was able to witness the return of the Alec he’d known before; his best friend, his parabatai, his Alec.
Gratitude wasn’t a feeling that Jace experienced often, but when he did, the feeling was so strong that it had the power to sweep him off of his feet. The first time he’d felt it was a few days after he had arrived at the Lightwood manor, when a reminder of his life before them came racing back to haunt his new home in the form of a nightmare. Alec was there, even though he had no obligation to be. He was thankful for Alec then, a feeling that persisted into their adolescence and eventually adulthood, but somewhere along the line he’d stopped expressing it. He had forgotten, until Alec disappeared. Magnus was the one that saved him, brought the Alec he knew back to him, and for that, he would be eternally grateful. He vowed to himself that he’d never let him slip through his fingers again. He owed Alec. He owed Magnus. He owed them everything.
With the debts he had to both of them, he didn’t deserve to want anything more.
“I can’t be selfish,” Jace hissed through his teeth to himself as he hit the punching bag in front of him again, in rapid succession. The bandages around his hands, once a sterile white, were now dirty and stained. One-two-three-four. Four jabs and he was energized. One more and he’d meet his goal.
THUMP.
Jace’s right hook hit its target dead-center, the punching bag arcing away from him violently. The effort of it all hurt him, leaving his hands aching and his skin bruised, sensitive, and rubbed raw from hours of the same routine, but he didn’t care. The pain from a punch or training was nothing compared to the pain of obstinate longing and loneliness, of unrequited love and affection, that crept up his spine whenever he thought about Alec. About Magnus. About Alec and Magnus.
In truth, the pain was a welcome distraction.
He knew he had no right to feel the way he did about them; they were in love, they were wrapped up in one another, finally free from their respective pain. For fuck’s sake, Jace had no part to play in their relationship. His role was outside of it, as Alec’s parabatai; isolated and separate. An unwanted stray.
If there was one thing Jace was good at, it was repressing his feelings until they disappeared into hidden parts of himself, never to be looked back on again if he could help it. After all, Valentine hadn’t been wrong - To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed. The mad man, the murderer, the monster, his father. He didn’t know how he could forget the lesson on love. In his complacency, in his stability with Alec, he had nearly destroyed the one he loved. For that mistake, he would never forgive himself. ~ ~ ~
.
There wasn’t a single moment that had changed his life, his perspective, his feelings for Alec, for Magnus, for Alec and Magnus. Somewhere along the line, in the mess of war and life and love, the affection he held for Alec and Magnus had grown into something more, something that was becoming harder and harder to deny or repress with each day that passed. For Alec, it was simple - he was Jace’s stability, his home. For Magnus, it was his warmth, his understanding, his endless empathy despite everything that he had been through. It was what his parabatai had fallen for, and what he too found himself hopelessly drawn to. Magnus Bane was the epitome of love, but he managed to use its power to create rather than to destroy. And when they were together, Alec and Magnus, there was something between them that never failed to take his breath away.
One instance Jace remembered in particular; they weren’t being intimate in the typical sense of the word, but they were close, in a way that Jace knew neither of them were with anyone else in the world. Together, they held a vulnerability that, instead of being a weakness or a liability, was instead a strength like nothing he had ever seen in his life. Alec was wrapped in Magnus’s arms, his head buried in Magnus’s shoulder. His body was without tension, all the strain previously held in his muscles relaxed like the settling after a storm. He was utterly boneless in Magnus’s arms, trusting his boyfriend to take care of him and look after him while he rested. He had been through hell; they both had. But Alec knew he was at home with Magnus where he was safe, and it made Jace’s heart ache that he wasn’t a part of their trust, their connection, their love. He was, and always would be, a stray.
He wasn’t sure what Magnus had thought of him when the warlock caught him staring too long, but he had seen the protective flare of Magnus’s golden cat eyes, the way his arms tightened around Alec, and he would have to be a complete idiot to miss the possessive quirk of Magnus’s lips as he sized him up, standing shocked and a little heartbroken in the doorway to their room. It was clear to Jace what he was saying: He’s mine. You can look, but you can’t touch.
Jace respected that, and Magnus, but it didn’t stop the jealousy from burning white-hot in his chest. He wanted more than just that, he wanted them. Jace knew that he was being selfish, but every choice wasn’t about survival any longer. He had the room to think about other things, things that he wanted for himself. He wasn’t selfish in the sense that he only cared about how he felt, but he wasn’t used to wanting anything, not anymore. He always had everything he needed with the Lightwoods, and when he was with Valentine, he had been too young to recognise what he was missing. He remembered Clary and their short-lived, fiery romance, that burned out as quick as it started, back when he thought of things that he wanted but could not have. He wasn’t like Alec. He hadn’t spent his entire life closing himself off and burying things deeply enough to never be found; he was open, unapologetic about who he was, and this, having to cordon a part of himself off and engage in some masquerade just to get through the day, was something new and uncomfortable and entirely unwelcome. He hated it.
He’d spent months witnessing their connection, their love, trying to deny his own feelings, rewrite the lines of his heart. He couldn’t want them; he didn’t deserve them. They were both better people than he would ever be, and their touch, their love soothed rather than corrupted. Not to mention, out of all the people in the world, they were the two least permissible for him to fall in love with. Alec was his parabatai; by Clave edict, any romance between them was forbidden. And Magnus was, well, Magnus - too good for someone like Jace, too good to taint.
It could never happen. Jace knew that. He knew it wasn’t an option, but still he found himself drawn to their presence, their space, their home. In the past, he would’ve found it all pathetic, following after them like a lost puppy not quite sure of itself and where it belonged. He was a burden, their obligation, and he knew they would never say no to him because he was Alec’s parabatai, and he hated it. He hated it, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop.
He wasn’t sure how it had happened, or if he had even intended it to, but Jace became a staple of their home, an accepted part of the place that was supposed to be theirs.
Jace - as he so often did in his life - had found something wonderful in them, in the love they had for each other and the patience they had for him, and latched on like his survival depended on it. If he couldn’t have them the way he desperately wanted, he would take whatever they would give him. That had to be enough. He wasn’t willing to lose Alec, not again.
Even though he knew it was the right choice, to simply exist in the kindness and affection that they gave to him, sometimes it was still all he could do to pick the pieces of his heart up off the floor and pretend he wasn’t in agony over their intimacy, their kisses, their shared secrets; the things that Jace wasn’t allowed to be a part of and never would be.
No matter how he looked at it, Jace knew one thing for certain: The love that they had would never, could never, include him. So he settled, existed, watched from a distance; waited for the frequent ache to pass as he took what he was given and nothing more.
For the first time in his life, he thought he finally understood what Alec had meant all those times when he’d talked about his duty. This was Jace’s duty; his burden to bear - witnessing the purest love he’d ever lay his eyes on, but keeping himself away as much as his broken heart would allow, so that he wouldn’t destroy the best thing that had ever happened to the ones that he loved. He would not do that to Alec or to Magnus.
~ ~ ~
“Alexander,” Magnus murmured, brushing a stray curl out of his eyes, “Are you sure we should wait for Blondie to pull his head out of his ass and come to us?” His cat eyes, molten gold in the dim light of their bedroom, glinted with doubt. “He doesn’t seem like the type to make the first move.”
Alec sighed, rolling his shoulders. “No, I’m not, but I don’t know what else to do. If we approach him too soon or we were wrong about his feelings…” He shook his head, trailing off. “There are too many things that could go wrong, and I can’t lose him again.”
“You won’t,” Magnus assured. “Do you really think your parabatai would leave you and disappear without a trace? He will never be gone, Alec; you said it yourself, the other day, when we were talking about your bond. He never truly leaves you. You and him are a part of each other.”
Alec sighed. “Yeah, I know, but - I’m just scared.” He swallowed thickly. “I almost lost him when Valentine returned. I don’t know if I ever told you that.” He turned over in Magnus’s arms so he could face him, his blue eyes filled with forgotten hurt from the memories. “After Clary, and everything that happened with the Mortal Cup, our parabatai bond was weak. I could barely feel him. It felt like half of my being was missing.” He shook his head, burying his face in his husband’s collarbone. “I can’t go through that again.”
“I won’t lie and say I understand what your bond with Jace means to you,” Magnus said, running his fingers through Alec’s hair, “I have, after all, never had a parabatai. But I understand what it’s like to be afraid to lose someone.” He placed a soft kiss on Alec's forehead. “I didn’t mean to insist that we take that step before you’re ready, darling. We can take as much time as you need, or as much time as Jace needs.”
Alec nodded, reassured. “Thank you.”
Magnus gave him a soft smile, and in it Alec could see the unspoken words of love for him, right where they’d always been. He smiled quietly, privately, to himself, and pushed affection through the parabatai bond so Jace could feel it too. He wouldn’t understand, but Alec wanted him to be a part of his and Magnus’s late-night moments, where their love was quiet and demanded nothing of either of them.
Magnus paused in his gentle ministrations and tilted Alec’s chin up so he could look him in the eyes. “Just promise me you won’t fight it? If the time comes and you’re ready to say it - don’t fight it.”
“I promise,” Alec exhaled, nodding slowly. He could do that. For Magnus, for Jace, for himself.
Magnus gave him a tender kiss on the lips, and they fell silent. Alec wasn’t sure when it would happen, but he knew one thing for sure: no one could hide forever, and he was done wanting to.
~ ~ ~
It was rare, but at times Jace could still manage to tear Alec away from the Institute and his paperwork for a good old-fashioned demon hunt. It reminded him of simpler times, when they were young and battling low-level demons just the two of them. Sometimes he missed the days when he was the center of Alec’s world, but he knew it was selfish of him, so he tried not to think about it too much. Still, he cherished the moments when he and Alec could move and work with all the ease of their bond between them, when the world narrowed down to the two of them and their mission.
Occasionally, Magnus would tag along for one of his and Alec’s missions, too, and those days were the best of any. He’d never realised just how fluidly he and Magnus worked together, and even without the added advantage of a parabatai bond, Magnus was adept at predicting his and Alec’s movements, and acted accordingly. His magic was as captivating as it was powerful, and Jace would never tire of watching him at work. The three of them, for all intents and purposes, made a great team.
Today, though, it was just him and Alec, following the trail of a few Kuri demons on the outskirts of New York. It was an easy mission, at least compared to some that the Institute was tasked with completing, but it required a certain level of skill, as well. Alec hadn’t been comfortable sending the first years or even running a training mission for the cadets. When Jace had suggested they take care of it themselves, it had seemed like the perfect solution.
It had barely been three minutes after they’d caught up to the Kuri demons before Jace began to regret his idea.
“I thought there were only supposed to be three!” Alec shouted, taking cover on a high rooftop and nocking another arrow.
“Supposed to be,” Jace called back, ducking the curved fangs of one of the Kuri and thrusting his seraph blade into another. “Looks like we’ll need to shoot the messenger. Save an arrow, will you?”
“We need backup,” Alec said. “There are too many of them!” He pulled out his phone and started calling for reinforcements from the Institute. Jace, momentarily distracted by his parabatai, took a hit to his side and groaned in pain. The three Kuri they were expecting were actually a nest of ten, and he was down on the ground with his blades while Alec perched up high, firing arrows at the herd from up above. This was how they worked, and it was usually seamless, but they’d been caught off guard by the sheer number of enemies.
“Jace!” Alec shouted, skidding down onto the fire escape. “You okay?”
Jace waved him off, clutching his side, and dispatched another demon with his free hand. “I’m good, call for backup!”
Alec shook his head and pressed the phone to his ear once more. Jace could hear him barking orders at someone on the other end of the line. He spun and backed up a few steps, staggering into a concrete wall. Despite what he’d said, he was losing stamina, and fast. He kept his seraph blade ready for attack with one hand and used the other to dig his stele out of his jacket pocket and activate his iratze. To his surprise, the rune didn’t take. Shit. There must be something special in their venom. The eight remaining Kuri demons crept closer.
Jace dispatched two more with his seraph blade, but he was quickly outnumbered. He heard the whoosh of Alec’s arrows overhead, taking out any demons that got too close to him, but it wasn’t enough. He was losing his ability to defend himself.
“Dammit. Alec!” Jace called, swallowing his pride. He was no good to his parabatai in a fight if he was dead. “I need you down here!”
Alec wasted no time jumping down from the roof with a thud, and switched his bow and arrows for a seraph blade, swinging and slashing his way through the demons to reach Jace. By then, with what little help Jace could offer, only four remained. Jace shoved a blade through the one nearest him, and Alec dispatched the last three with one fluid swipe of his own seraph blade.
“Jace,” Alec said, skidding to his parabatai’s side now that there was no immediate threat. “Where did they get you? Do you need an iratze?”
“Iratze’s not working,” Jace panted, lifting his shirt to show Alec the rune. Alec frowned and tried it again, but it remained black and faded. Useless.
“There must be a component to their venom we didn’t know about,” Alec said, thinking out loud, and he dug into his pocket for his phone again, this time pressing the first number on his speed dial. Magnus.
Slumping against the wall, Jace’s knees gave out, his overtired muscles ceding to the exhaustion of the battle. The Kuri were dead. Alec was safe. That was all that mattered. He could relax now.
“Jace, hey, hey!” Alec said, clapping his cheek to get his attention. “Don’t fall asleep!”
“‘M not,” Jace mumbled. The words were thick and tedious on his tongue. There was a heavy feeling of exhaustion creeping into his bones.
“C’mon, parabatai, just stay awake a little while longer,” Alec demanded, reaching forward to press his free hand to Jace’s wound. Blood coated his parabatai’s fingertips in seconds.
“Hold on, dammit,” Alec said fiercely, keeping pressure on Jace’s inflamed injury. “You are not leaving me!” His voice was thick with tears, and Jace reached for him blindly, his hand catching on Alec’s gloves. The feeling of the supple leather beneath his fingertips made a lump form in his throat. He remembered an Alec who never wore them.
“Alec,” he choked out, his chest heaving with the effort of putting his thoughts into words. “It’s okay...” He trailed off, coughing. He felt something thick and coppery coating his throat. Blood.
“I am not letting you go. I’m not leaving you,” Alec insisted firmly.
Please don’t leave me. The memories of words once spoken in Magnus’s loft washed over him clear as if he’d said it yesterday, and there were tears on his cheeks now that had nothing to do with the Kuri pincer in his side. Don’t leave me. Please.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Alec promised, and Jace felt a pulse of love-comfort-safety through their parabatai bond. Alec clasped one of Jace’s hands in his, and his grip was tight, reassuring. Jace wanted to sink into it, but the pain and the feelings he’d been hiding for nearly six months were clouding and slipping into his conscience, breaching the surface, and he couldn’t hide anymore.
Jace shook his head, the movement so violent that his skull hit the pavement and made his ears ring. He barely registered Alec’s hand tightening around his, nor the calming Shhh, it’s okay of his parabatai. He didn’t deserve this, Alec would hate him if he knew, he was going to destroy the relationship that they had -
“Jace,” Alec said, snapping him out of his thoughts in the way that only Alec could. “Stop. It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m calling Magnus, he’s going to fix you up. I’ve got you, parabatai.”
“Alec,” Jace said, and it came out a raspy, wretched sound. He felt a small trickle of blood make its way down the side of his chin. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Alec there, that Alec’s presence wasn’t the only thing keeping him anchored to reality, but he knew that the Kuri’s pincer had torn open something much more dangerous than his skin.
He could feel it climbing in his chest, desperate to burst from his throat, and he was afraid of it, of himself, and what he could do to them. This was never supposed to happen.
Alec was breathing erratically now, his panic apparent on his face. His blue eyes brimmed with tears and Jace’s heart ached. Even through the haze of pain and injury, he could recognise that he had never wanted to hold Alec more than he did right now.
Alec’s grip on his hand tightened, his face lined with a sort of rawness that Jace felt privileged to see, and set with a fierce determination Jace had seen only once before - when he turned and faced Magnus at the end of the aisle at his own wedding. His breath caught in his throat.
Enough.
“Jace,” Alec said slowly, deliberately, his bright blue eyes catching Jace’s mirrored green ones with purpose, “I am not going to leave you. I love you.”
Alec’s eyes held a promise of more and Jace realised this I love you didn’t mean what it had before.
Alec wasn’t saying that he loved Jace; he was saying that he was in love with him.
Jace tried to speak, tried to tell Alec that he felt the same way, but blood was the only thing that left his mouth. He was fighting to keep his eyes open, the words burning the back of his throat like acid. He had to fight, to survive, to tell Alec -
“Dammit,” Alec muttered. “Magnus, pick up.” He held the pressure on Jace’s side, and Jace saw a flicker of desperation cross his face. Alec took a deep breath, settling into a mask of calm. “Alright, come on, we’re going to try something.”
Jace struggled to sit up, but Alec held him where he was, lifting his own shirt and seeking out his healing rune. “Do you trust me?” Alec asked. Jace’s responsive nod, yes, was resounding and immediate. “Give me your hand.” Jace obeyed without a second’s hesitation, placing his hand in Alec’s, and Alec gave him a gentle smile for it. Then, with the swipe of his stele over his skin, he activated his iratze and placed their conjoined hands atop it, pressing hard into his ribcage.
“Focus on our bond,” Alec said. “Focus on how it feels.” Jace tried to do as he asked, swimming further into the parabatai bond than he’d ever dared to go before. He felt their connection, the tether that bound them to one another, and he could feel its strength. Their strength. Together, as one.
In battle, our hearts beat as one.
Jace could feel the second the healing rune took effect; the haze around his mind lifted, and he felt like he was waking up from a deep sleep. Alec’s energy, the burn of the iratze, was embedded somewhere deep within him, pulsating like a second heartbeat in his chest. Jace had known they were linked before, of course; he could feel Alec every minute of every day, and they were connected in a way that most people couldn’t even hope to understand, but this was unusual even by their standards. The true extent of the power the parabatai bond held was incredible. The power, their power, together, was seemingly limitless.
“How did you do that?” Jace asked, staring up at Alec with incredulity.
“Apparently spending all those hours in the Library of Idris when I was a kid proved useful. Everyone knows that runes activated or applied by one’s parabatai are stronger than ordinary ones. But when a rune is activated by one half of the parabatai pair and shared through their connection, it has the capability to overpower demonic influence and ailments that one Shadowhunter can’t alone. I didn’t think it would work. I haven’t read about it in years. I think it’s removed from our current texts because of the implications. The depth that the pair have to go to in order for it to work is considered dangerous by the Clave,” Alec admitted, his eyes flickering to his parabatai and then quickly away. Jace recognised that look. He was nervous.
A light blush spread across Alec’s cheeks. “It’s said that most parabatai aren’t capable of traversing to that depth without irreversibly connecting to one another and altering their bond. You and I, we were bound by our souls before, but not by our hearts. Until now.”
Jace’s breath caught in his throat as the implications of that sunk in. “Forever?”
Alec nodded, and then he was moving closer, grabbing both of Jace’s hands in his. He took a deep breath and said, “It would have been forever even without the bond.”
Jace said nothing, his breath coming in ragged gasps, as he struggled to process what Alec had said to him. He was vaguely aware of a portal opening behind them, but he couldn’t think; Alec had just promised forever to him.
“I love you,” Alec said again, and it carried the same weight behind it as before. Jace couldn’t breathe, couldn’t believe, and the words he wanted to say were waiting just beneath the surface, screaming to be set free, but he couldn’t believe that Alec had promised his whole life to him, albeit unofficially, in the same way that he’d promised Magnus on the steps of the Institute’s altar. It was beyond more than Jace could even fathom.
“And before you begin thinking this is more complicated than it is, or a mistake, or some sort of dream,” Magnus spoke up from somewhere beside him, “Alexander and I feel the same way about you.”
Jace shook his head incredulously, and let Alec pull him forward into a sitting position as he stuttered. “But you - I - I’m not…” The words got stuck in his throat, and Jace swallowed hard. They couldn’t mean it. They couldn’t. He didn’t deserve them.
Magnus rolled his eyes, and suddenly there were hands on him, blue magic curling around ringed fingers and Jace felt safe, like he had when he was ten and Alec held him after his nightmare. It had been so long since he’d felt safe. He choked on a sob and closed his eyes, sinking into the feeling of Magnus’s magic checking him, looking after him, taking care of him.
It was just like the moment he’d glimpsed between Magnus and Alec months ago, except this time Magnus’s protectiveness was aimed towards him. He was included, he was wanted, he was loved. Jace thought he might choke on the feeling.
“It took him long enough to tell you,” Magnus said softly, his fingers dancing over Jace’s shoulder blade, eventually landing on his collarbone and caressing slow, firm circles into Jace’s skin. Jace caught the teasing glint in his eyes as he glanced over at Alec, and he felt his heart skip a beat again. Exactly how long have they felt this way?
As always, Alec seemed to know what he was saying without the words and said, “We’ve been in love with you for months, Jace.”
“Both of you?” Magnus had already confirmed it, but Jace couldn’t - he needed to hear it again.
“Both of us,” Alec replied firmly, and Magnus nodded along. “We want you.” He spared a glance over at Magnus, and the two of them shared a look that Jace didn’t understand. “Our relationship is wonderful as it is, and I wouldn’t change us for the world, but we both knew we were missing something. It was you.” Alec pressed the palm of his hand to his hip, where Jace knew his parabatai rune was. “You’re the other half of my heart, my soul; it makes sense that you’re our missing piece.”
Words, Jace had always been told, held little power compared to actions, but Alec’s words shoved something buried deep inside of Jace into place; like a lock clicking, closing on a period of his life that was gone and past now, like a door shutting, slamming, in the face of what he once knew.
Jace surged forward and captured Alec’s lips with his own, the words exploding from his lips and onto Alec’s, over and over again: “I love you.”
It was new and exhilarating, but comforting and familiar all at once. This was the first time they were doing this but to Jace, it felt like they were always meant to do this, like this was always how their story was supposed to end.
Through the haze of his euphoria, Jace felt Magnus slide closer to them, waiting for them to pull apart before he reached forward and wasted no time in kissing Jace like his life depended on it, and maybe it did. Magnus wasn’t like Alec; where Alec was all safety and the warm comfort of home, Magnus was the drop-off of a roller coaster that made him feel alive; he could feel the warlock’s kiss right down to the marrow of his bones, all-encompassing, perfect, beautiful. It was the most intoxicating thing Jace had ever felt.
When they finally pulled away, Jace was soaring, all of the muscles in his face aching from the unfamiliar duty of supporting his wide smile. It had been close to forever since the last time that had happened.
“Come on, angel,” Magnus said, and Jace’s heart skipped a beat at being addressed as that, “Let’s go home.” With that, he pulled Jace to his feet, one hand steadying him at the small of his back, and opened a portal in a whorl of orange with the other. Alec hurried to flank Jace’s other side, and together, the three of them stepped through the portal and into the loft.
The familiar furnishings sent a pang of emotion through Jace’s heart, and judged by the smiles on both of their faces, Alec and Magnus felt the same. “The couch is ours for quite some time,” Magnus announced, leading both Jace and Alec to the sofa to sit. “I banished Chairman Meow to the balcony for the week so he would quit shedding all over my Persian rug.”
Jace sat down and took a minute to look, to observe; Alec on one side, Magnus on the other. He knew, in the depths of his heart and soul and very being, that he was where he was supposed to be. This was where he belonged.
Home.
Jace thought it might be his new favourite word.