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Seething, Shen Qingqiu clenches his fist as Yue Qingyuan placates that brute once again. It’s never the Bai Zhan’s War God’s fault, oh no. It’s always his, Shen Qingqiu’s. He’s only capable of wrongdoing. Nevermind that he clawed his way into the sect. Nevermind that he was smarter than all of the spoiled brats that called themselves disciples and became the successor to Qing Ding Peak. But no. None of that matters.

Because Yue Qingyuan thinks he’s better than him. Elevated, from Shen Qingqiu’s–Shen Jiu’s– dirty self. And Liu Qingge, brute and spoiled young master, surely would never stoop so low as to provoke.

Snarling, Shen Qingqiu doesn’t bother to speak. He holds his head up high, and he steps forward. Right into Yue Qingyuan’s way to check him. It’s unbecoming of men of their stations. It’s petty. But it’s been a long morning. And this is just the last straw.

Yue Qingyuan’s hands come out to grab him as he throws his shoulder into the sect leader’s, and the motion causes Shen Qingqiu’s body to connect much more than he intended. Shen Qingqiu grits his teeth as his torso connects and his leg brushes between Yue Qingyuan’s. Much too close for comfort and–

He blinks. That’s not the body that belongs to Yue Qingyuan. He wouldn’t forget it, even through the passage of time and nutrients of a permanent home. Hurriedly stepping away, as always ignoring whatever stupid meaningless words pour out of Yue Qingyuan’s mouth, Shen Qingqiu’s lips thin in a tight line. He continues walking.

The Bai Zhan brute’s calls wash off of him like water.

There’s something wrong with Yue Qingyuan.

Slamming his teacup down onto his low table, Shen Qingqiu glares at the wall of his room. He can’t just demand answers from Yue Qingyuan. Because he’s sure that the man is Yue Qingyuan. With...a new body. One that he doesn’t know. One that–a body that–

Shen Qingqiu crushes his teacup into his hand. It’s wrong. For Yue Qingyuan–for his–it’s not the body that once brought him comfort. It’s the body of everyone that’s ever hurt him. A body that matches his that is useless and not built for–

It’s wrong.

Blinking down at the blood coming from where delicate porcelain has imbedded itself into his palm, Shen Qingqiu swears.

Stupid fucking Yue Qingyuan. His life would be so much simpler without him. If he could simply just– outgrow him. Like Yue Qingyuan has to him. And yet.

And fucking yet. Here is his. Still attached and forgotten.

Shen Qingqiu makes a fist and swallows the urge to scream.

Mu Qingfang surely was the one to help Yue Qingyuan turn into….what he has. Shen Qingqiu closes his eyes momentarily. The sounds of the meeting continue on, and Shen Qingqiu opens his eyes to look in the healer’s direction. What meets him is what always meets him: polite disinterest on his face, and an easily detectable urge to run back to his peak in the lines of his body.

It’s a sentiment that Shen Qingqiu often shares. Nothing much gets done during these wastes of time – much of the logistics could be handled over letter. But tradition maintains that all of the peak lords work as a unit, and Yue Qingyuan would have them participate.

Lip curling, Shen Qingqiu slides his eyes over to their sect leader. Yue Qingyuan looks harried today. He’d noticed first thing, but then Shang Qinghua had started prattling on in his snake oil voice, and Shen Qingqiu had turned his attention into tuning him out. Shen Qingqiu waves his fan as he lets himself look, now.

The hair on his head is immaculate as is expected of his position. But Yue Qingyuan had selected the simplest of his ornaments to wear today, Shen Qingqiu notes. His eyes aren’t as keen; sleep had eluded him, most likely. Running himself into circles about how he can’t get Shen Qingqiu to heel, most likely. The one stain on his repuation, and the one stain that never lets him rest.

Laughing, ignoring the glare the others send him, Shen Qingqiu closes his fan. Yue Qingyuan hasn’t even seen his worst yet.

He waits.

Yue Qingyuan dithers as he is custom after an incident, and Shen Qingqiu lets him. He never apologizes for what matters, so why spare him. Better to let him fall back into normalcy than to try to corner him when he’s already so– Zhangmen-shixiong about things.

Shen Qingqiu wants to know what happened to–

Stepping into the private quarters of the sect leader, Shen Qingqiu scoffs. Yue Qingyuan has terrible taste. He’s always known; even as street children, his greedy eyes would slide to the ugliest of the wares. Shen Jiu was truly the brains of their operations.

Mood souring at the reminder – he’s better than thinking of their shared history – Shen Qingqiu lets himself frown. His eyes roam over the sleeping form of the man that he’s bound his life to. This stupid, stupid man that has left a Shen Qingqiu shaped hole in the defenses of his wards. Getting passed the lingering disciples on the way to the private residences on the peak was easy for a cultivator of Shen Qingqiu’s status, but he didn’t have to do a single thing but walk once he reached the path leading to Yue Qingyuan’s home. Not a single defense talisman activated. Not a single barrier trapped him. Not a single alarm awoke the defenseless sect leader in his bedroom chambers.

Shen Qingqiu counted all the ones he’s sensed outside of Yue Qingyuan’s home that he had avoided. He added all the ones that a cultivator couldn’t detect to the number. He added the special defenses he had put along the walls of his own bedroom.

Not a single one did Yue Qingyuan–

What a stupid fucking man. What if Shen Qingqiu had had enough and decided to kill him? When did Yue Qingyuan get enough of his hair or blood to key him into the many defense arrays that protect a man so important to a sect? Why did Yue Qingyuan–?

Curling and unfurling his fingers, Shen Qingqiu finds himself drawn to Yue Qingyuan’s bedside. Yue Qingyuan is sleeping peacefully, breaths deep and mouth open like when they were children. Unbidden, Shen Qingqiu feels a pulse of fondness throughout his chest.

He grinds his teeth and ignores it as he pushes some of the hair out of his sect leader’s face.

Yue Qingyuan has no right to make him feel anything but annoyance with him.

Sliding his hands down from the man’s face, he hesitates at the edge of his sleep robe. Yue Qingyuan–he’s always been large. For a street child. For a person of his...type. Liu Qingge definitely is much slimmer than him. He wasn’t pretty or delicate and couldn’t be mistaken as such like Shen Jiu could–

Removing his hand, Shen Qingqiu sucks in a breath. His stomach lurches, and he blinks rapidly at the face below him until his eyes clear. Until the face of Yue Qi disappears and is once again the more familiar Yue Qingyuan. The face of a man that has the respect of the entire cultivation world. The face of a man one would sooner bow before than to attempt to brea–

A load slap rings through the quiet room.

Yue Qingyuan is everything that Shen Qingqiu hates, and he’s going to make sure the man knows it. Intimately.

A big hand grabs him, and Shen Qingqiu has the advantage of both being awake and experience using a man’s larger size against him. Yue Qingyuan manages to get on top of him, but the defensive maneuver he attempted doesn’t render any of Shen Qingqiu’s limbs useless. He’s still free to grapple outside of the one arm locked in a vice. His legs wrap around the man on top of him as his fingers reach to claw–

“Xiao Jiu?” slips out from Yue Qingyuan’s sleep hoarse throat.

His grip, previously pushing his arm painfully to the bed, loosens to nothing.

Shen Qingqiu spits up at him.

A confused frown answers him. His grip reasserts itself as he shifts more securely above Shen Qingqiu in a cage of his body. “Qingqiu-shidi, what are you doing here?”

“More importantly, how did I get here? This shidi surely thought that Sect Leader would be smarter with his defenses. Killing you would have been child’s play.”

“No one but you is–”

Shen Qingqiu digs his heels into Yue Qingyuan’s back, making sure the man feels his boots uncomfortably. “You threw me away and can’t stand the embarrassment of housing me in the sect. What? You think that–”

“You’re the one who–”

“The one who what? Embarrasses myself? Makes you make such hard decisions like berating your terrible shidi in public? Makes–”

The hand on his arm raises up and pushes back down painfully. Shen Qingqiu claws back at the face above him. Yue Qingyuan grabs his other arm and uses the bulk of his body to pin it against Shen Qingqiu’s own chest. Snarling, Shen Qingqiu bucks up.

That– the body that doesn’t belong to Yue Qingyuan greets him. Limp and unexcited but there nonetheless. Freezing, Shen Qingqiu forces his gaze to the man above him. Yue Qingyuan outweighs him. Yue Qingyuan is stronger than him. Yue Qingyuan’s word is worth more than his ever will be. Yue Qingyuan knows – knows that Shen Qingqiu will suffer many an injury for him with not so much as a thanks in private.

Struggling, Shen Qingqiu twists. Like he knew it would, his body can’t break free from Yue Qingyuan. The hold on him gets stronger for a moment, hands overbearing and tight and and and and–

Shen Qingqiu’s chest hitches as air knocks into him all at once. The pressure holding him down disappears. Hair, out of place, hangs around a terrified face above him.

Yue Qingyuan quickly hides, and Shen Qingqiu is tired of letting him.

“Did you want me to scream, Zhangmen-shixiong? Yue Qi was never the type of man that seemed to enjoy taking an unwilling beauty, but I suppose Yue Qingyuan might. After all, he seems to have something to wet, now.”

A slow blink answers him. Before an ugly laugh, and Yue Qingyuan sitting back on his haunches, on Shen Qingqiu’s legs, leaving himself open to Shen Qingqiu attacking him with his torso no longer penned in.

“‘Something to wet’ –Xiao Jiu broke into my rooms because of this? Because he felt–after Liu-shidi and your argument, he felt my–” a bitter laugh cuts himself off. “Xiao Jiu, it’s still me.”

“What did Mu Qingfang do to you?!”

Yue Qingyuan shakes his head; the sight burns. “Nothing I didn’t ask for.”

“A large dick?” Scoffing, Shen Qingqiu continues. Men are always fragile about their sexual egos. “You don’t even know how to use it.”

“And Xiao Jiu knows how to use his?” is said, quick and unintended.

Shen Qingqiu bares his teeth. “You think the women I visit would tolerate me if I didn’t? My allowance isn’t so high I can pay for the amount of time I get if I was a brute.”

Hurt crosses Yue Qingyuan’s face. It looks revolting. It feels revolting; Shen Qingqiu swallows around the lurch of his stomach.

“Of course,” agrees Yue Qingyuan.

Shen Qingqiu pretends he didn’t hear it. Yue Qingyuan is good at pretending; why can’t he be? He pushes himself up. His body can feel the heat coming from Yue Qingyuan. He could smell his breath, if he was so inclined.

Yue Qingyuan lets him.

A hand grabs at the top of that flimsy sleeping robe. It’s wrenched open. Revealed, a large chest. Broad. Firm. Near hairless. With not a hint of scarring as expected of a cultivator of Yue Qingyuan’s renown. Shen Qingqiu wants to tear into the flesh of it. To dig his claws in and mark it until it’s clear just exactly how he feels about the loss of softness. How he feels about the alienness in front of him.

To claim, once again, the body of Yue Qi in the way that he’s supposed to.

Shen Qingqiu snarls as he forces his eyes up to meet Yue Qingyuan’s. “You look absolutely disgusting.”

“Do I really?” he says, voice amused. He doesn’t move his body at all. “I feel much better than I have in years in it.”

“Shut up. Shut the fuck up.”

“Qingqiu-shidi–”

Lunching forward to strike, he’s pushed backwards. He meets the bed as Yue Qingyuan stares down at him, hovering but not caging.

“Qingqiu-shidi, plea–”

“Shut up!”

Yue Qingyuan looks fucking stupid. His fake concerned face. His fake body. His fake sincerity. His fake affection–

“Just fucking shut the fuck up!” Shen Qingqiu grabs at him. His nails dig into Yue Qingyuan’s arms. He makes sure to use enough force to make him bleed. “I’ll show you feeling better. You stupid fucking man.”

Yue Qingyuan makes a face, and Shen Qingqiu feels the urge to knee him.

“What? Aren’t you a man, Zhangmen-shixiong? Isn’t that the purpose of this? Since you weren’t before.”

“Shen Qingqiu.”

“What? You said it yourself, not me. Qi-ge is what I called you. Not that you remember that.”

Hands come crashing down onto his own. Shen Qingqiu feels something creep up his spine as he blinks up at a furious face, struggling to win against placating serenity. Thick eyebrows are drawn tight, and lips are pursed.

Shen Qingqiu laughs at Yue Qingyuan. “Can’t even fucking stand to be reminded? Qi-ge?”

“Xiao Ji–” his voice breaks.

“Xiao Jiu, Xiao Jiu, Xiao Jiu. Stop calling me that. You don’t have the right.” Using the hurt his words caused, Shen Qingqiu surprises Yue Qingyuan and uses his own body to flip them over. He grins, likely manic, down at him. “You’re not the Qi-ge that I remember.”

“And you’re not the Xiao Jiu from my memories.”

“How dar–”

“Xiao Jiu was malnourished and fit two times beneath me. Now you’re tall and fed and–”

“And fuckable?”

Yue Qingyuan’s mouth works for a moment, and Shen Qingyuan feels his stomach drop.

“What? I’m too disgus–”

He can’t finish as strong hands grab onto the front of his robes. Pulled, Shen Qingqiu struggles as chapped lips met his own. Yue Qingyuan glares at him as he releases. Fingers curl into a fist, and Shen Qingqiu throws them on the sides of the man below him.

“You’re pathe–”

“You’re the only one I want.”

This– a snarl over takes his face. His core begins to burn. Humiliation and– how dare Yue Qingyuan– “You liar–”

“Xiao Jiu is all I have ever wanted. This pathetic Qi-ge has failed him, but never–”

Unbitten, Shen Qingqiu slaps his hand across Yue Qingyuan’s face. He grabs the man by the throat, relishing the feeling of the blood beating strongly in his veins, the deep inhale that presses up against his skin.

Yue Qingyuan merely tilts his head, pushing himself further into the necklace of his embrace.

“Don’t lie to me! I’ll show you failing. Open the rest of your robes.”

Hands begin to move as amusement dances along a handsome face. Shen Qingqiu tightens his fingers.

“Does Xiao Jiu have something he wants to wet? This body can still accommodate him.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“Yes. And only Xiao Jiu gets to see it.”

Shen Qingqiu ignores the way his body reacts – Qi-ge by implication saying that part of him is only for him again – by leaning forward and pressing down harder. “I’ll kill you. Don’t think I won’t, Yue Qingyuan.”

“Call me Qi-ge again.”

“I’ll kill you.” Shen Qingqiu watches as Yue Qingyuan laughs. His throat feels soft beneath his hands. “Give me a reason.”

“I owe Xiao Jiu my life. If he wants to take it, he can now.”

“Fight back! What’s wrong with you?”

Yue Qingyuan wasn’t–he wasn’t like this even just a bit ago. It’s wrong. He’s supposed to fight back. Shen Qingqiu shouldn’t still have his hands wrapped around his throat. He’s–

“I’m tired. Xiao Jiu did wake me up in the middle of the night to...do whatever Xiao Jiu had intended.”

“You–! As if I’d force you–”

“Qi-ge already said he’s willing.” Yue Qingyuan gives him a quirked eyebrow and a smile. “And his robes are already taken care of.”

“The sect leader has succumbed to delusions. I already told you you’re disgusting.”

“Xiao Jiu also said he’d show this Qi-ge his failings. Surely Xiao Jiu can take mercy this one last time.”

The audacity. Cutting off the air supply below him, Shen Qingqiu snarls. “It’s a mercy you’re breathing at all. I’d have every right to kill you for abandoning me like trash.”

Raspiness answers him. Big, strong, hands grasp onto his wrists. They lock down on his skin, and Shen Qingqiu opens his mouth. But the hands don’t pull. They anchor.

“You fucking idiot.”

Yue Qingyuan looks at him. Like the stupid man he is.

“You fucking idiot.”

No struggling meets him as he strangles the sect leader. Shen Qingqiu wants to shake him.

“I’ll fucking take you. You’re too stupid to stop me.”

His wrists ache as the hold on him tightens. Yue Qi below him pushes against his hands, as if seeking. Shen Jiu releases him.

He then slaps him across the face, the hands on his wrists still on him.

Yue Qi looks at him like a benediction. His chest heaves as he sucks in the air Shen Jiu deprived him of. The tilt of his jaw as he greedily gulps draws the eye, and Shen Jiu feels a fire begin to burn inside himself. He shouldn’t feel this way. This isn’t the body that he buried himself against in cold winter nights. It isn’t the body the held him close as he cried fake tears for food. This isn’t the body that he’s killed and smeared his name for.

This is Qi-ge.

Even if he’s….allowed this. Changed into this.

“Let’s see what monster of flesh Mu-shidi blessed you with,” he spits.

Turning, Shen Qingqiu freezes. The hands on him slide off of him like water. Yue Qingyuan is large. His dick is only half risen, and already it is so much larger than how it felt under his robes. His dick is half risen, and all Shen Qingqiu has done is choke him and slap him. It….working his jaw, Shen Qingqiu straightens.

“You’re disgusting,” he says, and he watches the monstrosity in front of him bob. “Mu-shidi did a terrible job. As if anyone would like a man with a dick so large. What would you even do with it? Make your partner cry? Choke them to death?”

“Xiao Jiu is free to ignore it.”

“How could I when it’s such an eyesore?”

Yue Qingyuan laughs. His hands come up, hovering for a moment Shen Qingqiu can see from the corner of his eye, before falling back to the bed. Coward.

Reaching forward, he directs his anger at that easy target. He grabs tight enough to hurt and uses his nails for good measure. Yue Qingyuan convulses below him. Yue Qingyuan convulses, and Shen Qingqiu feels powerful. His stomach churns and his hand tightens and his body betrays him. Yue Qingyuan inhales.

Shen Qingqiu takes a shaky breath.

“You wanted this. You wanted this, and who am I to not help you. Like you always made me.”

“Xiao Jiu–”

“Pitiful Qi-ge. Always so pitiful, needing his Xiao Jiu to help him. Until you outgrew me. I’ll make you need me again. I’ll make sure–”

The heartbeat under his fingers pulses as he ignores another call of his name, and he only grips harder. His waist is snatched by large hands, and frantic pressure pulls at him. He yanks his hand, and a pained cry echos in his ears. The hands don’t stop trying to move him, and he plants himself on that hard, unblemished chest he hates.

“You fucking bast–”

His body is pulled, desperate. The slide makes him grit his teeth as his own body makes itself unmistakable known.

“Qi-ge could never outgrow Xiao Jiu,” is gasped out, voice laced and taunt.

A bitter laugh slides out from his lips. “Liar. You don’t need to lie to me anymore, Qi-ge. You never came back for me. You abandoned me. You left me to–”

“I was too late!”

Nails almost pierce sensitive flesh before his grip loosens. That doesn’t sound like Yue Qingyuan’s usual sniveling cry of regret at bringing him back to remind him of his failure. Making sure his sneer is still on his face, he turns his head, shoulders stiff. Deigning to turn to face the man below him.

“Excuse me?”

Yue Qingyuan looks just as surprised by his outburst as Shen Qingqiu feels. His mouth opens, and Shen Qingqiu already sees the backtracking plot forming in his mind. Quickly, he rotates his whole body forward and grabs at Yue Qingyuan’s jaw. He digs his nails in as his other hand poises over his heart.

“Qi-ge had better not clam up now. Don’t you owe me the truth? The least you could do after I’ve become the first person to touch you.”

“Xiao Jiu–”

“You were too late to what? Say it to me.”

Yue Qingyuan closes his eyes. His voice, when it comes, is quiet. If Shen Qingqiu wasn’t a cultivator he doesn’t think he’d have heard it over the rushing of blood in his ears. “Too late to save you. The manor was already–it was already–”

“You came back.” Blinking down, he looks at Yue Qingyuan. He looks wrecked. He came back. He promised. And he– he was late. Years too late. But he– “You fucking idiot. You fucking idiot.”

He releases the jaw in his grip. He slaps Yue Qi.

“I’m sorry–”

“You had better fucking be! All of these years–” Shen Jiu grabs at Yue Qi. “Stupid fucking Qi-ge. I hated you. And you– and you just were late. You’re useless. You useless man.”

“Qi-ge’s sorry.”

“Shut up. Shut up. I hate you, Qi-ge. You can’t do anything right without me.”

Yue Qingyuan’s hands, never having detached, twitch. And Shen Jiu can’t stand the coward he’s grown into. “Move your hands like you want to before I break them.”

A laugh answers him as warm, large hands pull on his waist, touch like an indulgence instead of a desperate bid to stop the pain. “Xiao Jiu. Xiao Jiu. Xiao Jiu.”

“What? You calling my name is irritating.”

“Qi-ge just is lucky.”

Shen Qingqiu snorts. He pushes down on Yue Qingyuan’s body. “Are you? I can change that; I haven’t forgotten why I’m here.”

“To bully me? Because I’m–”

“Because you’re an idiot. Did you hear one of your shixiongs talking about themselves before you went to Mu-shidi?”

A flush creeps up his face, and Shen Qingqiu sneers. “Qi-ge, my oblivious Qi-ge, don’t you know men are animals?”

“Mu-shidi said that any changes were how I would have been if I’d...been born like him.”

“Hm,” he agrees, privately noting to make some inquiries on his own from the healer. “It’s atrocious.”

“So Xiao Jiu has said.”

“You’re lucky that you’re too noble and focused to have scared off a poor girl with it.”

Yue Qingyuan’s hands dig into Shen Qingqiu’s hips. “There’s only been Xiao Jiu. And Xiao Jiu doesn’t have to touch it.”

“Hm.”

The sight that is below him–Shen Qingqiu feels warm spread through his chest. Yue Qingyuan’s smile is dopey in a way he hasn’t seen in years. His eyes are on him. Qi-ge came back for him.

“Qi-ge is mine.”

“Qi-ge is Xiao Jiu’s,” is the answer. Quick. Assured. A promise.

“I won’t let you forget it ever again. Your mistakes aren’t for you to hide from me.” He brings his hand back to Yue Qingyuan’s throat. “Everything you are is mine, do you understand?”

A tilted head brings Yue Qingyuan’s neck closer to his grip. “Yes.”

“Good.” He tightens his hand. “I’m going to destroy this stupid body of yours.”

A laugh starts and then chokes off into a moan when Shen Qingqiu grips Yue Qingyuan’s ridiculous pillar again.

“If you behave, maybe I’ll let you use it once I’m done.”