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Hm...? Where am I? I'm lying down? This place feels blurry. At first, I'm only confused, but then I hear a horribly familiar voice.
"You're beautiful," the voice coos in my ear, way, way too close. The face that comes into view is a mirror of mine, but black hair frames it, and no emotion glimmers in her eyes. There's pressure on my chest— she's on top of me to peek close, our noses almost touching. I try to push her away, but I can't. My wrists are tied together above me with my own thread.
I tug desperately, but the silk doesn't budge. I try to command it to move, but it refuses. This sinking feeling in my stomach. I'm trapped. I'm trapped by my own thread.
D caresses my cheek, and I shudder. It burns. It burns like she set me on fire, but I like it. I'm terrified, yet I lean into it. I can't resist her. If it's her, my own thread, my own body, my own mind betrays me.
"Are you enjoying yourself?" Her tone is flat, flat like a blade. Cuts me to the core. "It's unusual for me to dote on my toys, you know." I can't help but tremble. I can't tell if it's fear or desire she forcefully drags out of me. She smiles, smiles the emptiest smile I’ve ever seen, revealing her teeth. She leans forward. No. She's going to devour me, one way or another. No. No no no stay away from me. Stay away!
I squeeze my eyes shut and hear a loud deflagration. Her touch disappears. My arms aren't tied anymore— they're held tightly against my chest, because I curled into a ball. The weight on me didn't disappear, but it's not exactly person-like, either. It's lighter and softer... uh? A blanket?
As I assess the situation quickly, panting, I realize something very strange.
I'm in my bed.
I wasn't in my bed just now, was I? It was someplace I can't... I can't remember anymore. It wasn't important. All I can remember is her... but she's not here. It's not like D is above vanishing suddenly, but... I have an inkling.
I cautiously sit up and assess the room. This is my bedroom. Perhaps more accurately, this was my bedroom! Because it's uh. It's pretty wrecked right now. The bed is intact, but the walls are blackened and cracked, and some of the furniture is broken. The house isn't going to topple on top of my head, right? Right? It definitely wasn't in this state when I went to sleep.
That's right. I remember now. I went to sleep. D was never here. It was only a dream. Just a little nightmare. Totally normal. Happens sometimes! Nothing to see here. It's not like she could totally come visit me any moment if she thought it would be funny to mess with me. I should just finish the night, pretend that nothing happened and that there's no strange salty liquid leaking from my eyes.
It's not like I definitely used conjuring in my sleep to defend against an imaginary enemy and probably almost destroyed the house entirely. That definitely didn't happen.
I squeeze my legs against my chest, pushing my forehead against my knees. I'm breathing too fast, it's making me dizzy. Dammit. Everything is fine! Just fine! The only not-fine thing here is the room itself. I think I used some kind of shockwave to push everything around my bed away...
Suddenly, I hear something outside the door. Down the corridor. Rushing closer. Taptaptaptaptap . Skid . The door's thrown open, and I flinch, both because of the light and the sudden movement.
It's the Demon Lord. Fiel and Riel are hovering behind her. Uh? Demon Lord, weren't you in another castle? What are you doing all the way here?
She must read the confusion on my face, because she gently closes the door to give us some privacy. "Do you mind if I come closer?"
I shake my head. She sits on the bed next to me, leaving a forearm's length between us.
"Did someone attack you?" She speaks gently, but there's an edge of murder there. Oh no, I realize what this looks like now. The explosion I set off could have easily vaporized someone. I'd reinforced the room with conjuring and it got damaged to this extent.
I shake my head again. She relaxes just a little bit. “What happened? Did you have a nightmare?” Spot on, as always. I look away as I nod. Honestly, I’m ashamed. I’ve been through worse than a simple nightmare, even if it was about D. I’ve talked to the real thing! I’ve punched the real thing in the face! I shouldn’t be… like this. I shouldn’t be in this kind of state, breathing too hard and shaking like a leaf and setting off explosions on a whim. Now I’ve caused a mess over something that wasn’t even real.
The Demon Lord lives in the castle, but she must’ve run over as soon as the puppets told her about the explosion, assuming it wasn’t loud enough for her to hear it herself. Good thing I send them to sleep in their own room these days. They could’ve gotten hurt.
Is it the reality that I could kill someone I care about in my sleep making me light-headed?
“—ro. Shiro!” Ah, I zoned out. The Demon Lord snaps her fingers in front of my face to get my attention. “You’re hyperventilating. You need to slow down. Let’s count to ten together, okay?” She carefully places her index over my lips, as if to hush me. “Don’t breathe out before we reach ten.” O-Okay. I can do that. Her firm voice makes it easier to follow her instructions. Breathe in. Count. Breathe out. Count. We repeat this for who knows how long, but at last the dizziness fades. My chest is sore, and I feel weirdly exhausted, but I got my breathing back under control.
The Demon Lord really handled that like a champ. Now she squeezes my hands in hers, rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hands with her thumbs. She keeps talking to me, but I’m only half-listening. Mostly she’s saying everything’s okay, I’m safe, or variation thereof. I figure she’s trying to calm me down.
I appreciate it. I’m embarrassed, but I appreciate it. I don’t know how effective blatantly lying to me is, but I do feel better. “I’m okay now,” I say, voice sounding rougher than usual.
The Demon Lord’s gentle litany stops, but not her silly concern.
“Just a bad dream.” I clear my throat. “Sorry. I’ll find a way to fix the room tomorrow.” She’s looking at me weirdly. “...I’m pretty sure the walls aren’t going to collapse but I can start now?”
“Shiro. I don’t give a crap about the room.”
Ah? Ah. Right. This is the Demon Lord that we’re talking about. Paying for the damage probably wouldn’t even dent her pockets, assuming that we can’t just repair it ourselves somehow.
“Sorry about the noise. And for making you come all the way here.” It’s one thing for me to come over, since I can teleport freely, but she had to run to find me. It’s not that far, but if she used her top speed, she’d cause a sonic boom and destroy half the town, so it must’ve been a bother to make her way over as quickly as possible.
The Demon Lord sighs. “I don’t care about that either. You really don’t get it, do you.” She bonks me. It doesn’t cause any pain because of how much she’s holding back, but honestly that scares me more. She knows I can handle whatever she throws at me with conjuring. Why is she being so soft even a regular human wouldn’t feel pain? It’s not like I’ve lost my powers all over again.
Yeah, I guess I really don’t get it. I shake my head.
The Demon Lord lets go of my hands, cupping my face instead. She makes eye contact resolutely. “Look, I thought something happened to you. I’m glad you weren’t in any real danger, but I’m still concerned, alright? I mean, you really scared me there. Most “bad dreams” don’t give people panic attacks.” Ah? It’s that you focus on? What about the destructive conjuring? Your daughters could’ve been in the room, you know! Who cares if I panic a little! You’re being silly. “Shiro, I won’t force you to tell me what happened. I mean, I can’t. When you don’t want to say something you’re really stubborn. But if you want to talk about it, I’m here. You don’t have to be alone. You aren’t.”
I want to reply, but my throat is a bit too tight. I feel kind of dumb, trying to make normal people noises and failing miserably. All that comes out of me is a garbled “Uuuhhh…”
The Demon Lord carefully wipes my eyes. Dammit, I thought I’d fixed that leak! The water pressure must have been too great for my patchy repairs…
She pulls me close. I can’t hold it in anymore. I start to sob hysterically on her shoulder. I try to calm down, I really do, but there’s something about the darkness of the room and the way she rubs my back that makes it really hard to hold back. She tells me it’s okay to cry and then she sits through my breakdown quietly, only moving to rearrange our positions into something a little more comfortable.
Eventually, I run out of tears. Loud sobs turn into sniffles. I feel oddly empty. My head is quieter. I’m parched, but before I can voice that thought, the Demon Lord magics me some water to drink. A saint, she’s a saint, what kind of Demon Lord would be taking care of their evil god like this.
“Are you feeling better now?”
“Y...Yeah.” I do. I guess my chest is a lot lighter. Have I ever cried this hard before? It’s not like I’ve never cried, but this feels kind of different. It wrecked me, but after the storm, there’s something like a cleaner slate.
It’s silly, but I wonder if the Demon Lord’s cried like this in her long life.
“I’m glad,” she says, smiling reassuringly. She’s still holding me, so I feel really safe right now. She’s warm and kind of cuddly. At some point I threw my arms around her, so I’m basically holding her like a teddy bear. Would it be alright to fall asleep like this? I kind of want to go back to sleep, but the memory of the nightmare immediately shatters this sense of peace.
I think the Demon Lord picked up on the sudden tension, because she starts rubbing my arm. She’s scrutinizing my face intensely, trying to figure out what’s wrong. “Did you think of the nightmare again?”
Bingo. It’s like you can read my mind, Demon Lord. There’s one other person who does that, you see, but it’s less creepy when you do it, because she makes me feel helpless and treats me like a toy.
“Who’s treating you like a toy?”
...oops. Did I say that out loud? The Demon Lord’s frigid question sends a shiver down my spine. She sounds like she’s ready to throw hands. Demon Lord, you can’t throw hands with a god like her. She might think it’s funny and toy with you too.
“D.” I keep it short. There’s a lot I could admit about D and I’s relationship, but I’ve largely kept my mouth shut about it so far. I need to divert the Demon Lord’s attention before she asks more questions, or worse, guesses the truth. “I dreamed about her and it scared me. That’s all.” There. She wanted to know about the nightmare, right?
“What did she do to you, to scare you so much..?” The almighty Demon Lord sounds disturbed.
Uh oh. My evasiveness backfired. “Nothing. She didn’t do anything to me. It was just a dream.” Quick! More evasiveness! I suddenly realize that I may be bad at lying? The Demon Lord is even more suspicious now.
I’m not really lying, though. D created me, but that’s a good thing, I like existing. In the labyrinth, D saved me from Guli-Guli, and then she gave me my old love, the <Wisdom> skill, and clues about this world and the reincarnations. As an Arachne, D blessed my scythe, and it creeped me out, but it turned out useful. After I became a goddess, D gave me a name. D made me play video games with her. D let me beat her up and loot her house. If it’s what she’s done to me, D has been an exemplarily useful evil god.
It’s just that she’s a near-omnipotent, irresistible goddess who is obsessed with me. It’s just that naming me gives her intrusive control over my soul. I’m not afraid of what she’d do to me, as much as how much I’d let her do to me.
Before the Demon Lord’s concerned gaze, I admit at least this much. “It’s just that she’s a creep.”
“A creep..?” She doesn’t sound like she doubts me as much as she’s puzzled. “What kind of creep?” Here she goes, sounding dangerous again. Demon Lord, I’m the god here. I’m supposed to be protecting you, not the other way around, no? Especially against other gods? There’s nothing you can do. “Shiro, at this rate I’m going to assume the worst and storm heaven itself.”
I snort. She said it with the perfect straight face, too. “I’m pretty sure she’s in hell right now.”
The Demon Lord blinks. “Do you mean someone killed her or does she just… work there?”
“Works there. I think? Maybe more like the underworld? I don’t know the details.”
“A-Ah? Alright.” I totally threw her off. “Ah! You’re distracting me on purpose, aren’t you? Nevermind that god, you’re more important.” H-Hey, don’t go and casually say things like that.
The Demon Lord looks at me expectantly. I didn’t answer her question, and she’s making it known without pushing too hard. I really don’t want to go over my identity, though. It’s just… I can’t. I don’t think someone like Demon Lord Ariel would make fun of me. It’s just that it makes me too vulnerable. I don’t want anyone to pity me. I’ll tell her someday, but not now.
Uh. I’ll tell her? I don’t know when I decided that. Hm. Yeah, I do want to tell her someday. I mean, she has part of my soul and fake memories, right. It’s only fair.
Just… not tonight.
“...I dreamed that D was…” How do I describe it in a way that won’t concern her too much? “Too close… I was scared, but she was making me like it. I freaked out when she tried to…” What was she going to do? I only remember the overwhelming belief that I’d fall into her clutches and there would be no going back. “I’m not sure.”
Despite my utterly confusing account, the Demon Lord nods slowly. “Did she do anything to make you think something like the dream could happen?”
...I mean, she was practically flirting with me that one time. I think that must’ve been what gave my brain the wrong idea. “Not like that.” It’s not that she couldn’t, but I don’t think she would try to manipulate me this directly. She likes giving me a range of motion, to see what I’m going to do. Tying me up and forcing me isn’t her style.
Weirdly enough, that thought kind of reassures me. The nightmare feels less horrible now that I’m examining it through the lens of reality.
Thanks, Demon Lord. You’re the best. I lo— no, that’s a silly joke to make.
I lean on her. I may be a god, but I feel properly exhausted now. I think she’s picked up on it, because she doesn’t ask anything more. Instead, she passes a hand through my hair. “If someone or something hurts you, you can come find me, okay?”
Uh?
“Shiro, you do so, so much. I mean, you’re a god, so I suppose it’s expected, but… even within the System’s limitations, I can do this much for you. If you let me. You don’t have to keep pain and fear to yourself and endure them. You’ll break.”
…so the Demon Lord was that worried about me, uh. I do talk to her a lot more than anyone else, but it’s not like I don’t hide anything from her. She must have become acutely aware of this tonight.
Ah, it’s cheating, it’s cheating. I’m tired and comfortable against you, my poor maiden’s heart is unguarded right now. You’re so sweet I might just die to you a third time.
“Okay,” I lie. You have your own burdens, Demon Lord. You don’t need mine. I appreciate it, though. Maybe after the war. When it’s all over. I think I’ll be able to afford to break down a little then. “You too,” I tell her, voice blurry from sleep.
“Sure,” she lies back, because she’s thinking the exact same thing. Dimly, as I fall back into slumber, I think
we might care a silly amount about each other.