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“I definitely have some old photographs up here.”
Musa’s hand taped along the wall before flipping the switch and bathing the attic in a low light. Bloom, standing right behind her lifted an eyebrow and let out a low whistle. Boxes upon boxes are stacked on top of one another and scattered around the room along with some old sporting equipment like a field hockey stick, a tennis racquet and a volley ball net. Bloom spied a couple of cobwebs in the places that the light reached and she can’t see a single surface that is not covered in a layer of dust.
“Wow, you guys never clean up in here.” Bloom’s astonished voice doesn’t deter Musa from moving boxes aside in search of a specific one.
“It’s an attic, Bloom. My dad doesn’t bother cleaning up here because we almost never come up here. It’s our storage space. Just be careful cause he usually has some mouse traps laying around here.”
Mouse traps?! This will be fun, Bloom thought looking around the floor with some apprehension.
“Ah ha! Found it!” Musa shouts in a triumphant voice, walking back to Bloom with a box in her hands. “There should be some photos of Terra in here though she didn’t look much different in college than she does now.”
“Really?” Bloom asked as she crouched down to open the box. “I’ve seen some photos of you back in college and you went through some drastic changes.”
Musa laughed and nodded. “It was only my hair colour that constantly changed. Terra, though, she always knew who she was. Except for a very weird, very quick phase where she considered becoming a vegan and taking on a nomadic lifestyle. Other than that, she’s been pretty consistent.”
As she flipped through a couple of photos Bloom laughed. “I just can’t imagine Terra living a nomadic life. She likes her roots too much.”
“Yeah, her boyfriend of the time wasn’t the best influence one her. Luckily, she came to her senses before she got on that terrifying multi-coloured bus.”
Musa laughed as she flipped the photo she found for Bloom to see. On this photo Terra was standing next to a guy that was at least a head and a half taller than her with long black hair hanging down his shoulders. Terra’s hair was braided in these tiny braids and she had these round, pink tinted sunglasses on. Both of them had these long and colourful tribal coats on and had their arms thrown around each other. Terra was even holding up the peace sigh for the camera.
Bloom’s jaw dropped and a loud laugh escaped her. “What the hell! She looks like the wrong type of hippie,” Bloom said as she took the photo from Musa to get a closer look at it. “This is not the Terra we know today. How did she get those braids?”
Musa only wiggled her fingers as an answer. “I took that photo by the bus that was supposed to take them on this amazing adventure to … I don’t even remember where. But just before she got on the bus, Azul –”
“I’m sorry, Azul?” Bloom interrupted.
Musa laughed at Bloom’s disturbed expression.
“Yep, Azul. I think he gave that name to himself. Why I will never know but yeah. Before they got on the bus Azul whispered something to Terra and she completely freaked. She gave him a slap that must have rattled his brain because that sound travelled all the way to the car. Then she grabbed her bags and stalked back to me all while accusing me of being a bad friend because ‘why would you let me get on a bus with him’.”
“What did he say to her?”
“To this day I don’t know. She never told me and after a while I just stopped asking. Figured it wasn’t important for me to know. I was just happy she didn’t go.” Musa said and slipped the picture back in the box.
Bloom surged forward and tried to grab it, “No, we have to put that picture in the slideshow!”
“No! Absolutely not.”
“Come on! The hair and the clothes and the dude! People have got to see this.” Bloom argued trying to pull the box closer.
“No! Everything in that photo represents the lowest point in Terra’s life. She was at odds with her dad because she changed her major that year and he didn’t approve. And her brother didn’t want to talk to her because he was hanging out with some new people who constantly made fun of Terra because of her weight and he didn’t have the balls to stand up to them. Writing his own sister off seemed easier to him.” Musa shook her head in disgust.
“So, Terra started to act out a little. She went to more parties, made some pot brownies and then she met Azul who promised her a life free of parents and brothers and expectations. She grabbed on with both hands and didn’t let go. No matter what anybody said.”
Bloom frowned. She never knew that Terra went through any of that. Ever since Bloom met Terra on their first day at Alfea headquarters, she had seemed so strong and independent and like she knew who she was and where she wanted to go. Bloom was slightly jealous of her back then because she herself was still trying to figure it all out.
“After that little incident by the bus, she called her dad and they talked. She stood her ground and explained to him why she changed her major and then she told her brother to go to hell if he didn’t want to be associated with her. Terra wanted roots, and she wanted expectations because she wanted to surpass them and she wanted people in her life to celebrate her accomplishments with her. Without that time,” Musa taps on the spot where she put the photograph back in the box, “she wouldn’t be the strong woman she is today. But that doesn’t mean she is proud of that time. So can we please keep it in the box?”
Bloom raised both hands in surrender. “Okay, we leave it in the box. We want happy memories for this occasion, right?”
“Exactly.”
With the tension dissolved both women went back to the photographs in their hands. A few of them were of Terra in her graduation gown and cap, but most of them were of Terra and Musa. Them in their dorm room, at a party, at graduation, even some of them on a vacation. Bloom smiled as she looked at the photos and picked out those where Terra looked the happiest and smiled the brightest. Putting those aside, Bloom slid the rest back into the box.
Scanning the rest of the box, the corner of a photo sticking out caught her attention. Pulling it out Bloom sees it is not one of Musa and Terra as she expected but rather one of Musa and a guy Bloom has never seen before. He looked rather handsome with his dark brown hair sticking up at all angles, a mischievous glint in his eyes and devilish smirk playing on his lips.
Bloom’s eyes flicked up to look at Musa who is looking through her own stack of photos, torn between the want to know more about this guy and just letting this stay in the box as well.
Biting her lip, Bloom looked back at the photo. Both of them are facing the camera with Musa sitting on a counter, both legs wrapped around the guy’s waist while he casually leans back against her, one of his hands loosely holding a beer bottle and the other holding Musa’s hand close to his mouth, looking like he is pressing a kiss against it. Seeing the ring on Musa’s finger, Bloom’s curiosity wins out.
She cleared her throat. “Musa, who is this?”
Looking up and spotting the photo Bloom is holding up Musa freezes. It feels as if the wind had been knocked from her lungs. Musa had known that photo (and a couple of others) was in one of these boxes but she didn’t really know which one. Years ago, when she had put those photos away her goal was to get them out of sight, not filing them in the right box.
Taking the photo from Bloom, Musa looked at it for the first time in five years. She remembers how Terra tried to convince her to shred the photos, or burn them or just throw them away but Musa couldn’t. She was hurt and angry and her heart was broken, but she wasn’t ready to let go. Not completely.
Musa remembers how she stood in front of the small dustbin fire Terra had made, with a little stack of photos poised above the flames ready to drop them into the fire below. She remembers how she couldn’t let go, couldn’t unclench her fingers from around their memories and watch them disintegrate into ash. She can still hear the strangled sounds that came out of her that night, the ugly sobs and never-ending flow of tears running down her cheeks. Terra tried her best to comfort her but Musa was inconsolable.
“His name is Riven. I met him in a coffee shop in my first year. I was ordering one of my very complicated coffees when he came in and cut in front of me while I was talking to the barista. I tapped him on the shoulder, chewed his ass out right there while he stood there with an amused grin before I pushed him back and continued with my order.” Musa smiled slightly at the memory before she continued.
“I felt kind of bad after I stormed out of the café. I mean, what he did was rude but me screaming at him for cutting in line was way ruder. But my pride kept me from turning back and apologising so I just went back to the dorm. I thought it was okay because I didn’t think I would ever see him again. Then I ran into him at a party a few weeks later.”
“Ter, come on,” Musa pleaded. “Exams has wrapped up and there is nothing more we can do. I promise we can stress about our results tomorrow when we are nursing our hangovers.”
Musa smiled sweetly at Terra, even fluttering her lashes for good measure. This would be Terra’s first time going to a club and she only came along because she was worried about Musa being there alone. And maybe because she also wanted to experience something else on a Friday night other than just sitting on the couch, eating popcorn and binging a new show.
“Okay, let’s go in,” Terra concedes.
“Yes!” Musa exclaimed, hooking her arm with Terra’s and practically dragging her into the building. They are immediately assaulted with a pounding bass and multicoloured strobe lights. Musa can feel the beat of the music running through her body and smiled. This is exactly what she needed after the last four weeks filled with late night study sessions and early morning exams.
“Let’s go look for a drink,” Musa said as she dragged Terra around the throng of people grinding and dancing on each other. Pushing their way to the front of the bar, Musa ordered two shots of tequila- one she shoved into Terra’s protesting hands and the other she immediately tipped into her mouth, loving the way it burns a trail down her throat.
“Ter, drink that tequila so that we can go dance!” Musa shouted over the music when she spots the still full shot glass in her friend’s hand. Seeing Terra's hesitation, Musa took a deep breath, put a hand on her back and leaned closer, “If you don’t want to drink it just leave it on the bar. No worries, let’s just dance.”
Waiting for Terra to make up her mind, Musa turned to look out at the dance floor trying to see if she recognised someone from class. They definitely won’t be the only first years celebrating tonight and this club is close to the dorms. And sure enough, she spied a few fellow students that she had class with on the dance floor. And in the farthest, darkest corner of the club is that dude who Musa knows sold Terra some pot by telling her that it was an herbal concoction that she can put in her tea. That was a funny morning though Musa made a mental note to keep Terra away from him.
Dragging her eyes back over the crowd, Musa’s gaze is drawn to the opposite end of the club where she could feel somebody watching her. After a second Musa realised that it is the same pair of eyes that had looked at her in amusement a few weeks ago in her favourite coffee shop. Only now instead of looking amused, they stared at her with an intensity that has goosebumps breaking out all over her body. Musa could feel a shiver run down her spine while heat spread up her neck and over her cheeks.
Trying to keep her composure, Musa slowly turned back just in time to see Terra down her shot, slam the glass onto the bar-top and scrunch her face. Forgetting about the handsome stranger’s eyes on her, Musa smiled and pulled Terra close. “How’d that taste?”
“Horrible, let’s go dance.”
Terra’s face was still scrunched but her feet were moving to the dance floor, pulling Musa behind her. Holding on to Terra’s hand, the two girls made their way towards the middle of the dance floor before losing themselves in the music. Musa could feel the stress of the last few weeks melt away as she swayed her hips, grabbing Terra’s hand and spinning her around. The two girls laughed and for a few minutes forgot that they were waiting for exam results, just moved their feet to the beat vibrating through their bodies.
Musa felt Terra pull her closer and listened closely as she shouted, “I’m going to get some water!”
Musa nodded and watched as her friend made her way off the dance floor before closing her eyes, tipping her head back and resumed swaying her hips. In the middle of a crowded dance floor accidental touching was a regular thing with everybody bumping into one another and somebody thinking that they were getting a signal when they most definitely weren’t, but the slow, light fingers moving up Musa’s sides were not feeling very accidental. They were in fact, purposefully moving oh so slow along her sides and over her ribs, down her stomach and up again towards her sides before gripping her hips tightly, pulling her back against a hard chest. With his arms banded over her stomach and her hands making their way up the back of his neck and into his hair, their two bodies moved together to the rhythm that floated from the speakers.
Musa felt him drag his lips along her neck up to her ear, catching her lobe lightly with his teeth before she felt his lips move against her ear. “You usually dance like this with strangers?”
Turning her head, Musa looked into his eyes. His very green eyes. Up close like this, they were even more compelling and mesmerising than from across the room. Musa had had a suspicion that it was the guy from the coffee shop. She had hoped it was him dancing with her.
Doing her best interpretation of a wicked smile Musa said, “Only if the situation calls for it.”
The guy let out a low chuckle. “And does the situation call for it?”
“Finally being done with my first semester of college after four weeks of intense studying?” Musa looked at him with raised eyebrows as she turned to face him, his arms never breaking their hold from around her. “Fuck yeah!”
He threw his head back as he laughed and Musa is overcome with an intense urge to kiss his adam’s apple, which became more prominent the second he tipped his head back. As he looked back at Musa his hands travelled up her neck and cupped the back of her head, twisting his fingers in her hair. Musa lightly gripped his sides.
“I’m Riven.”
“I’m Musa.”
“That night we danced, and drank and danced some more before ending up back at my dorm. I don’t remember much about that party other than the dancing, we drank a little too much to remember everything, but the way he looked at me …” Musa trailed off, staring at the photo with a hazy gaze.
That night was still ingrained in Musa’s memory - their frantic hands as they fell through her dorm door, clothing scatted in a haphazard line that followed them to her bedroom, the way his mouth moved down her body as he pushed her up against her door, her shaking legs and his steady hands, how she giggled as Riven fumbled with a condom, how frantic turned to tender for minute, how he softly kissed her as they became adjusted to one another, how he never looked away from her that night.
With that same faraway gaze Musa looked up at Bloom. “No guy had ever looked at me that way before. As if I would disappear if he looked away for even a second.”
Feeling a tear make its way down her cheek, Musa quickly wiped it away. She hasn’t actively thought about Riven for years now and wasn’t ready this onslaught of feeling today. A day where she was supposed to be experiencing happy feeling, looking for old photos of Terra to put in the slideshow for her wedding. Musa did not wake up expecting to face her old heartbreak through photographs on this Saturday morning.
“So, what happened? You two look extremely happy in that picture.”
Musa looked back down at the photo. Frozen in time is Musa’s head on Riven’s shoulder, both arms wrapped around his neck and both legs around his waist. He is leaning back against her as she is sitting on a counter, one of his hands holding hers against his lips, pressing a kiss against her palm while his other hand is loosely holding the neck of a beer bottle. They both have these massive smiles on their faces, Riven looking straight into the camera while Musa is looking at him.
Musa let out a heavy sigh. “Terra took this photo, actually. This was the night he asked me to marry him.”
Musa heard Bloom gasp. “I never knew you were engaged.”
“Not a lot of people does. It happened almost two years after I met Riven. He was always this super casual guy and he just asked me one morning after I woke up. I’m talking bed hair and morning breath at its best but there he was, laying next to me in bed with a ring in his hand saying, ‘I can’t imagine my life without you anymore. Marry me and continue making me this happy for the rest of my life’. That was probably the sappiest the big bad Riven ever got, but he had me in tears and nodding my head yes. That night we had a little party with some close friends at our place and that is where Terra took this photo.”
Musa gave the photo back to Bloom and pulled the photo box closer to her before she started digging through it. She had a frown on her face as her arm stilled, then she pulled out a small black material bag. Sitting back and crossing her legs, Musa zipped the small bag open and dropped its content into her waiting palm.
Bloom leaned closer to Musa, not exactly understanding what she was looking at. Laying in Musa’s palm, was a beautiful gold band, diamond encrusted engagement ring and right next to it laid a shiny bullet.
Picking up the ring and handing it to Bloom, Musa said, “This was my engagement ring.”
Before Bloom could tell her how beautiful she thinks it is, Musa lifted the bullet with her thumb and forefinger. “And this is my reminder of why I’m not wearing that ring anymore.”
Musa watched as the frown between Bloom’s eyes deepen.
“It’s a long story. Riven was… is a very damaged man. He had a fucked-up family life, and that unfortunately led him to make some really bad decisions. He got involved with the wrong people and by the time he was eighteen he’d been in juvie twice. And the people in his life didn’t get better after that. I don’t think he ever though he that he had a chance to be anything other than a criminal.”
“So, when you met him, he…”
Musa nodded as Bloom trailed off.
“He was someone who didn’t go anywhere without his gun. He wasn’t in a gang but he was involved with some really bad people who asked him to do some stuff that was most definitely illegal. It made him very alert of his surroundings and very paranoid. Especially if I was with him. And he had some temperamental issues. Some guy flirted with me once when we were at a store and Riven completely lost his shit. He broke the guy’s nose and I think he fractured his cheekbone. He was almost arrested that day and he refused to apologise, to me, to the man or to the police. He had to take anti-depressants every day. He also smoked and drank every day.”
“Musa –”
“But he was also so great. He made a point to talk to me every day, whether he came to see me or only called. When exams started, he brought me and Terra food every night that we had to study and then he stayed to quiz me. He loved to sleep in, and to cuddle. He hated making coffee– loved drinking it but hated making it. He was an amazing cook– I gained some weight from his cooking alone. But he was constantly telling me I was beautiful and he was so supportive when I didn’t really know what I wanted to pursue after college. And he took the most amazing photos of anything and everything. I tried to encourage him to pursue a career in photography and let go of the people who had this bad influence on his life but he really struggled to see the way out.”
Bloom slowly nodded her head. She took one of Musa’s hands in her own and gave it a light squeeze in encouragement.
“We got engaged while I was in my last year of college. It was a blissful time. He had started doing less and less for Andreas – the guy who he had worked for since high school. He had started leaving the house without his gun, even going as far as putting it in the safe and leaving it there for days on end. He started doing some freelancing photography and it was going pretty well. But about three months into the engagement, everything just exploded in a span of minutes. I got home from one of my classes and he was sitting at the kitchen counter with the gun that he had put away laying in front of him. It was one look and I knew what was happening.”
“Riven, where are you going?” Musa hated the way her voice was shaking. But seeing Riven in his old leather jacket brought forth a fear that settled deep in her bones.
Riven let a heavy sigh fall as he tucked his gun away under his shirt. “Andreas called. He needs me tonight.”
The words barely left Riven’s mouth when a honk sounded from outside. Musa vigorously shook her head as she looked at the window, still rooted by the door.
“No! Riven you promised me,” Musa said, pleaded. “You promised me no more runs with that man!”
“This is the last one. After this one I’m done.”
“That’s what you said last time.”
“And I didn’t lie to you then Musa. This is just different.”
“You are headed out that door ready to go shoot someone, Riven! How is that different than the last time?”
“Because it’s Silva!” Riven shouted. And if Musa wasn’t frozen to the spot before, she was now. Riven often yelled but never at her.
“Andreas finally found an opportunity to take Silva out and he only wants people that he trusts on this with him. It’s literally only me and Beatrix going.”
Musa shook her slowly, not believing what she was hearing. “You, a power-hungry man, and a psychopath are going to kill an innocent man.”
“He isn’t as innocent as he seems Musa. Silva has killed countless of people himself.”
“And Andreas has killed countless more! At least Silva was fighting for his country when he did it. Andreas is on a one-man mission determined to change Solaria’s laws in accordance to his fucked-up views and anyone getting in his way ends up with a bullet between their eyes.”
“You don’t get it.”
“No Riven. I do get it. I understand that you are about to go kill –”
Riven interrupted her by dropping a kiss to her lips. Cupping her face with both hands he looked into her eyes and said, “I’ll be back later then we can talk about this, alright love?”
Placing a quick kiss on her forehead, Riven walked around Musa to the door. Musa felt her vision becoming blurry, her eyes welling up.
With a steady voice she said, “If you walk out that door right now, I won’t be here when you get back.”
Musa heard Riven stop. She didn’t turn around. She imagined him with his hand on the door handle, one foot inside their apartment and the other on the tile outside. The apartment was grave silent. Musa could barely hear her own breathing. But she knew Riven was trying to determine whether or not she was bluffing.
“I’ll see you later tonight.” The sound of the door clicking shut sounded like a gunshot through the apartment. Musa took in a shuddering breath as the first tear fell down her cheek. Then another. And another. Musa felt her bag drop to the ground before she followed.
“I’m not sure how long I sat on that floor crying. At some point I just stood up and threw all my clothes in as many suitcases I could get my hands on. I left my apartment key on the kitchen counter and packed everything I could in my car,” Musa said as she wiped a stray tear from her cheek. Then she chuckled, “Terra was so shocked when I showed up on her doorstep with a red, splotchy tear-stained face. My emotions all over the place.”
Bloom chuckles softly, imagining Terra’s shocked face. “And that was the end of it?”
“Basically,” Musa nodded. “When the news came on that night, they reported on an explosion at a restaurant. Nobody died, luckily. Somehow Silva got word about the explosion in time and got the restaurant evacuated but there were some serious injuries and a lot of people had to be taken to the hospital. They also reported that three people had been arrested – one woman and two men. And I … I just knew.”
“Have you spoken to him since?”
“No. I don’t even know how long he was sentenced to. He might still be in prison or he might be out. I made sure to avoid the news and if Terra knew something she didn’t tell me. She knew I didn’t want to know.”
“Terra is a good friend like that.” Bloom smiled, thinking of all the times Terra helped her.
“She really is. She was my rock when I took off my engagement ring that night. And she told me that it was okay when I couldn’t bring myself to put it back on the next morning. I was so angry at him.”
Musa hated how her voice still breaks even after all these years. “I was so angry at him. For so much… but mostly for him walking away.”
Rubbing a hand up and down Musa’s back, Bloom said, “You were hurt. That’s normal.”
“Yeah,” Musa sighed.
Hurt, angry, scared … even a little ashamed. Musa shook her head, trying to expel those thought from her mind. Then she dragged her hands over her face, pushed her hair back and smiled at Bloom.
“Well, that’s enough of that. We are looking for happy memories. Do you think we have enough photos?” Musa asked with a little laugh.
Bloom turned to look at the three stacks of photos they had put aside in their search and joined Musa’s laughter. “If that isn’t enough, nothing ever will be.”
“No, it won‘t. Let me just put this away then we can go.”
Taking the ring back from Bloom and dropping it into the little black bag next to the bullet, Musa realised that it didn’t hurt as much as it did the first time around. Sliding the little bag into the box next to the photograph, Musa smiled as she placed the lid back on the box.
After putting the box back in its place, Musa meets Bloom by the door, who was busy giggling at the photo on top of the massive pile. Taking half of the photos from Bloom, Musa switched of the attic light, drowning everything in darkness before she closed the door and started telling Bloom how much pleading it took to get Terra close enough to the elephant to take that specific photo as they made their way downstairs.