Chapter Text
It starts when Kaeya, the absolute fool, saunters into Diluc’s tavern at an ungodly hour. He waves to the patrons with his trademark smile plastered onto his face and pulls out his usual bar stool with a flourish. Of course this has to happen when Diluc is on a shift. He’s already in a bad mood from dealing with drunk patrons and horribly off-tune ballads from tipsy bards and now this useless lump has to walk through the door.
Diluc is about to preemptively tell him to shut up in as politely sarcastic a tone he can muster when Kaeya says, “Listen, Diluc, I need to get drunk as fast as possible.”
Diluc blinks, taken aback by surprise, because Kaeya isn’t usually this forthcoming and the only thing he can actually think of to respond with is, “Why?”
The smirk on Kaeya’s face doesn’t look quite right. “Why, a Favonius captain can’t just unwind after the end of a long, stressful day?”
That’s bullshit and they both know it. Even if Diluc can’t identify the matter turning Kaeya into an extra irritable thorn in his side tonight, Diluc narrows his eyes at Kaeya in a blatant show of disapproval. “At least come up with a better reason than that.”
Next to them, Venti laughs, even though he is no better than Kaeya and he’s already on his twentieth glass of dandelion wine. “Come on, Diluc,” says Venti, his eyes glistening with good humor. “Maybe he’s telling the truth.” Because of course he can count on the freeloader defending the most aggravating captain of the knights Diluc has seen since he was born.
“Okay.” Diluc’s tone clearly spells out not okay even as he continues, “So what can I get for you?”
“Ten glasses of –”
“No.”
“Nine –”
“No.” Diluc doesn’t usually curse in the Anemo Archon’s name – because firstly, he’s a useless hack, and secondly, he’s a useless hack that steals his wine – but for Barbato’s sake, is Kaeya trying to get himself killed?
“Why the rush? You’re still young! You have at least thirty more years before you even worry about your spirit being trapped in a windless place,” says Venti with a slight giggle that makes Diluc wonder if the alcohol is finally kicking in. Maybe then he can throw the two of them outside like some sort of idiotic two-for-one deal. Tomorrow morning the citizens of Mondstadt would see a hungover Archon and cavalry captain lying side by side groaning in the bushes. Perhaps such a sight would make Mondstadt finally wonder how much freedom is too much.
Diluc is promptly paused in his oh so philosophical musings by Kaeya’s head smacking against the counter with a loud thump. Quite an amazing feat, considering Kaeya has injured himself on demand without being under the influence of alcohol.
“I don’t know what to do,” Kaeya laments with his face still pressed against the wooden countertop, hair spilling everywhere. Diluc resists making a face of disgust and instead settles for staring at Venti for a clue on just what the hell Kaeya is talking about.
Praise be the Anemo Archon. His large eyes are wide in surprise. “Don't tell me he still hasn’t gotten it?”
“Who’s he?” Diluc demands instantly. “Hasn't gotten what?”
“Oh, Master Diluc, and you said you didn’t care about me,” Kaeya drawls in an assuredly muffled fashion. Diluc resists the urge to smack his head for that and instead lets out a very loud, very audible sigh.
“It’s the chief alchemist,” says Venti with a mischievous smirk that for once Diluc isn’t angry at. “I’ve lived for thousands of years and I’ve never seen anyone quite so dense. Wouldn’t you agree, Sir Kaeya?”
Kaeya’s only response is a little muffled groan.
Venti slides closer to him and asks slyly, “So in what unique fashion did your advances fail this time?”
Kaeya’s head shoots up so fast that Diluc almost jerks back in shock. He flings his arms out in a gesture of frustration. “I’ve been dropping hints,” he complains. “Every single one of them, undetected! I’m almost about to question the investigative skills of our dear captain.”
Diluc sighs, resting his hands on the countertop. “I’m not quite familiar with the chief alchemist. All I know about him comes from rumours I’ve heard around town. But I have a proposition. Perhaps you should take a more direct approach.”
Kaeya’s uncovered eye sparkles. “My, are you actually helping me?”
“If you have nothing to say about it, I will cease doing so immediately.”
“Of course, Master Diluc.” Kaeya has taken to playing with one of Venti’s empty glasses, twirling it on the spot using his right hand. His smile seems a little more vacant than usual and despite himself Diluc can’t help but be a little concerned. “Ah, but what a shame it is,” Kaeya finally says with a little chuckle. “That simply isn’t my style. How unromantic.”
“Do you want Albedo or not?” Venti asks bluntly.
Kaeya simply hums in response. However, having grown up beside him, Diluc knows all of his tells. Kaeya’s trying to make himself look calmer than he really is on the inside. Venti, however, isn’t having any of it.
“No, I mean, seriously,” Venti says, his voice dropping to a whisper. Leaning in, he shakes Kaeya by the shoulders a tiny bit. “He literally just came in!”
Hearing this, Diluc casts a glance at the tavern door. He’s never actually seen the reclusive chief alchemist before in person. However, a fleeting appraisal of his person is enough to reveal what Kaeya finds attractive about him. His hair has a wild but soft look about it, his work uniform is immaculate, and his teal eyes shine with curiosity as he surveys his surroundings.
Speaking of Kaeya, he appears to have choked on his non-existent drink. Coughing a little, he ducks his head down.
“Why are you hiding?” Venti demands in a hiss.
“Why is he here? He hates places with lots of people,” Kaeya whispers back in a mildly hysterical tone. Diluc is worried for his health. Just barely.
“I don’t know?” says Mondstadt’s very own Anemo Archon in the flesh. “But aren’t you going to try talking to him?”
“I can’t just talk to him! He didn’t get any of my advances. What makes you think he’d get this one, especially when he’s looking for something?”
Out of the corner of his eye, Diluc notices Venti looking to him for support. Unfortunately for Kaeya, in the time it had taken the two to bicker, Albedo is now at the counter. He purses his lips a little, staring up at the menu, before he finally asks in a melodic voice, “I know this is a bar, but I’ve heard that you sell a Berry & Mint Burst?”
“Not to worry. We do sell those as a non-alcoholic alternative,” says Diluc while trying his best to keep track of Kaeya’s mental breakdown in the corner. Unfortunately, he can’t see anything besides the green of Venti’s cape so he supposes Kaeya will just have to survive by himself for a whole minute. He turns around and nods in their general direction, going to the back to mix Albedo’s order.
Diluc has added the base of the drink and is about to sprinkle in some mint leaves when he hears Kaeya saying aloud, "I'm going out on a date." Thank goodness he’s doing something with his hands, because Diluc would keel over from sheer secondhand embarrassment from Albedo’s response.
A response Diluc has accurately predicted to be, “Oh? Is that so? When?”
"I don't know, when are you free?"
There is a pause. Albedo then continues, “I don’t see how these are related to one another. In scientific terms, we often think about our experiments in terms of independent and dependent variables. In this case, while your independent variable is the timing of your date, the dependent variable would certainly not be the blankness of my own schedule.”
This is the second time he’s used Barbato’s name in vain in less than an hour, but for Barbato’s sake. Diluc does his best to whip up the drink as fast as possible to save Kaeya from any further embarrassment. Within seconds, the berries and ice cubes are added and Diluc is almost robotically shoving it into Albedo’s hands. He also makes sure not to look at Kaeya or Venti, as he’s pretty sure if he does that he will start laughing.
“One Berry & Mint Burst to go. Enjoy your drink,” says Diluc, his greeting coming off as rather stiff. Luckily, Albedo doesn’t seem to notice. The alchemist gives Diluc a nod in response. Barely glancing Kaeya and Venti’s way, he exits the tavern as gracefully as he came.
As soon as the door slams shut, Venti starts howling in laughter. This time, even Diluc cracks a visible smile for all of one second before he hurriedly shoves a gloved hand over his lips to hide it.
“Do you see what I mean?” Kaeya whispers indignantly, either choosing to ignore their laughter or pretending they are laughing at Albedo instead. Whatever soothes his poor, tortured soul.
“My friend, goodness,” Venti says amidst even more giggles as he slings an arm around Kaeya’s shoulders. “You need a lot, and I mean a lot, of help.”