Chapter Text
It is the day after Jaime has been pardoned by the new king for slaying Aerys when he wakes in his bedchamber in the white sword tower and discovers that he is not alone.
There is another Jaime sitting on the edge of his bed looking down at him.
*
It is like looking in a mirror, except not at all, because no mirror Jaime has ever experienced is capable of speech or of smacking him hard across the face when Jaime says that he must still be dreaming.
It is unheard of, whatever cruel magic this is, and Jaime wants no part of it.
He dresses quickly, refusing to speak to or even look properly at his other self as he does so.
When Jaime leaves the room his other self does not follow him.
*
Jaime has almost forgotten about whatever strangeness occurred that morning when he returns to his room that evening.
The other Jaime is sitting in the chair near the window, waiting for him.
*
Jaime does everything he can to ignore the other man in his room, but it proves difficult, particularly because the other Jaime is very keen to talk to him.
Jaime doesn’t look at him and pretends he doesn’t hear the other Jaime speaking. Perhaps if he convinces the other Jaime that he can’t be heard he will just disappear.
Out of the corner of his eye Jaime is aware of the other Jaime watching him from the chair he is sitting on as Jaime changes into his bedclothes.
*
The next morning the other Jaime watches from that same chair as Jaime wakes, dresses, and hurries out the door.
*
That evening the other Jaime is standing in the middle of his bedchamber when Jaime enters.
Jaime carves a very specific path through the room as he disrobes, as if it is perfectly normal for him to avoid the particular space the other Jaime is occupying. The other Jaime watches him with interest, his armoured arms crossed over his chest as his white cloak sweeps across the floor when he turns to watch Jaime continue his bedtime routine as if he is alone.
Jaime tries to comfort himself with the knowledge that at least the other Jaime hasn’t spoken to him today as he lies in bed and closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to see where the other Jaime is still standing. A few more days of ignoring him and he will be gone.
He can feel the other Jaime in the room watching him still, but he pretends he can’t. This is his bedchamber. Soon it will be fully his once again—
A hand grabs his hair and yanks as another hits him square in the chest and stays there. Jaime’s eyes fly open to find him staring straight into eyes identical to his own.
“I know you can see and hear me,” the other Jaime says.
Jaime curses as he kicks and thrashes free of his other self, his fist connecting with the other Jaime’s jaw hard enough to leave a bruise.
*
“What are you?” Jaime asks, once he has removed himself from the other Jaime’s reach. He’s abandoned the bed to the other Jaime and is now sitting in the chair, his heart still pounding from the shock and subsequent scuffle.
“You.”
Jaime resists the urge to hit him again.
*
The other Jaime has no useful answers. He is just here. He didn’t choose to be here like this and he cannot leave. When Jaime himself is in the bedchamber, so is this other Jaime. When Jaime leaves his bedchamber, the other Jaime is not in the bedchamber, but he does not know if he is anywhere else instead.
When Jaime presses, the other Jaime just looks at him like he doesn’t understand the question.
*
It is late. Jaime is exhausted. And there is still another Jaime sitting on his bed who can’t answer any of the questions Jaime most wants to know.
No matter what, the other Jaime is only ever in the one place Jaime does not want him to be, and he does not know why, or if there is anything either of them can do about it.
Jaime yawns as he fights his frustration. This conversation isn’t going anywhere, and neither, it seems, is the other Jaime.
*
“Just go to bed,” the other Jaime says dismissively as he gets up and steps away from the bed. “We can continue this later.”
Jaime stands, refusing to miss his chance to reclaim the bed now that it has been offered. “I suppose you’ll be here tomorrow?” he asks without enthusiasm.
The other Jaime smirks as they trade places.
*
The other Jaime is there the following morning, sitting in the chair with his feet propped up on the end of the bed.
Jaime is pleased to see that the bruise on the other Jaime’s jaw is already an impressive shade of purple.
Jaime hopes it is painful.
*
Late that night, after Jaime has been relieved from his shift, the other Jaime is waiting for him.
The bruise on his face is gone as surely as if it was never there.
*
“When will Cersei arrive?” the other Jaime asks the next evening. “Father said she was coming.”
This question makes Jaime look over at his other self. The other Jaime is looking out of the window with his back turned to him. “She’s been here for two days,” Jaime says. “Did you not know?”
“No…” the other Jaime says. He’s looking at Jaime now without any hint of the cockiness he wears like armour.
“How many days has it been since you killed Aerys?” Jaime asks.
“Two,” the other Jaime replies without hesitation. “How long has it been for you?”
“Six.”
This is how they learn that time moves forward for only one of them.
*
They spend much of that evening discussing what has happened in the last several days. The other Jaime is most interested by the all-too-short time Jaime managed to spend alone with Cersei the previous afternoon. He wants to know what she was wearing when Jaime first laid eyes on her, he wants to know what she looks like, how the time apart has changed her appearance, and he wants to know everything Cersei said to him when they were able to speak.
Jaime answers the questions as best he can, but there is no amount of detail he can give to satisfy his other self.
It has been the better part of two years since the other Jaime saw Cersei, and Jaime can still feel the same desperate longing for his other half that drives the other Jaime to ask him to repeat what precisely Cersei did when she saw him for the first time in far too long.
To the other Jaime, the fact that Cersei was brought here because Father intends to marry her to Robert is secondary to the fact that she is here.
Jaime had felt that way too until Cersei had arrived.
*
The following night Jaime fills in the other Jaime about what has happened during the day. He didn’t see Cersei at all, so the other Jaime is more interested in what has happened since Robert has taken the crown, but compared to their lengthy discussion of the short time Jaime has been able to spend with Cersei, their conversation about everything else is brief.
*
On several occasions over the next few days they test the limits of the other Jaime as much as they can. If Jaime opens the door and walks backwards away from his bedchamber, the other Jaime exists for as long as Jaime can see him. If Jaime grabs hold of the other version of himself and tries to lead him from the room, the other Jaime cannot pass beyond the threshold, as surely as if a stone wall was in place of the open door. The same is true of the window.
Their tests confirm it: the other Jaime cannot leave this place.
*
They cut off a chunk of the other Jaime’s hair. He originally protested, but relented to Jaime’s curiosity and is now sitting sullenly on the chair in the corner with his golden hair looking noticeably lopsided. Jaime holds the lock of hair in his hand as he leaves his bedchamber and closes the door behind him. He stares at the hair in fist (which is still there) as he walks a few steps towards the Kingsguard armoury before he turns back around.
When Jaime opens the door the other Jaime is standing in the middle of the room, his hair back to its original length.
*
This is what Jaime knows about the other Jaime:
This other Jaime is him as he was on the day he first appeared. He too killed the king he was sworn to protect only two days before, he too is in love with his twin sister, eager for her to arrive in King’s Landing now that there is a new king, he too is the greatest swordsman of his age and the youngest knight accepted into the Kingsguard. He is Jaime, without doubt. However.
The other Jaime cannot be heard or seen by anyone but Jaime.
The other Jaime is not dead and he is not a ghost.
(How could he be? Jaime is alive. Jaime is alive, but that doesn’t explain why there is another of him waiting for him in his bedchamber each night. But every night, his other self is there.)
When he is here, the other Jaime is solid. He can be touched. When he cuts, he bleeds.
However, when the other Jaime comes back the next day his skin is unbroken and unmarked where it was sliced open only hours before.
And the following day for Jaime, when Jaime is one day older, the other Jaime is exactly as he was. Despite the fact that the other Jaime recalls the nights he has spent with Jaime, it does not register as time passing for him. No matter how many days Jaime lives, when he returns to his bedchamber at night his other self is there, and for the other him, it has always been two days since he killed Aerys.
*
This is what Jaime doesn’t know:
How and why the other Jaime is here, and if there’s a way to make him leave.
The other Jaime does not know why he is here, nor is he particularly bothered by it.
He is just here. In Jaime’s bedchamber with him.
Always.
*
As the days since the day he killed Aerys increases, Jaime takes to thinking of the other Jaime as the Kingslayer in his head. He never says it out loud. When they speak, which they usually do before Jaime goes to bed and when he gets ready in the morning, there is no need for names between them. It is always only the two of them in this room.
There is no one else they could be speaking to.
*
(They do not speak of the day they killed Aerys. There is nothing to discuss. Their situation means they have no secrets from each other. They both know everything there is to know about what happened and why.)
(They are the only ones who know what happened and why.)
*
“Did you see Cersei today?”
Jaime doesn’t want to talk about the circumstances in which he saw Cersei today. He had been standing guard to the King during a meeting in which Jaime and Cersei’s father discussed the upcoming wedding and he could do nothing more than steal the occasional glance at his sister throughout. “She is to be married to the King as soon as proper arrangements can be made,” he says, letting his tone imitate his father’s.
“How festive,” the other Jaime comments lightly. “Did she speak to you afterwards?”
“We didn’t get the chance. The most she could do surrounded by Father and the King’s men was smile at me when everyone else was looking the other way.”
“Smiled how?”
The way the Kingslayer is already smirking means he already knows the answer, but Jaime relishes getting to say it out loud: “Like we are the only two people in this world that matter.”
They spend the evening reminiscing about the last time Cersei had the chance to tell them that, back when they were five-and-ten and she had figured out a way for them to be together forever. It had taken longer than Cersei had intended, but her plan had worked. Soon she would be here in King’s Landing with him permanently.
Hearing the Kingslayer fondly recall that night in the inn and his faith that one day Cersei would find her way back to him lets Jaime ignore the dread he feels knowing that one day soon he will have to watch her marry someone else for it to happen.
*
Jaime jerks awake in the night, his throat dry and his heart racing. He can still feel his sword hand gripping the pommel of his sword as he watches the city go up in flames.
“Aerys is dead,” the Kingslayer says from his chair where he sits. “You killed him.”
Jaime knows what the Kingslayer speaks is true, but in the still of the night he can still smell the smoke.
“Aerys is dead,” the Kingslayer assures him. He says it as many times as Jaime needs to hear. He lists details Jaime knows to be true about the moment he slid his sword through his back. The smell of the blood. How easy it was to kill him. How easy it was for a king to die. The Kingslayer goes on, talking about it as if it has only just occurred (and for the Kingslayer it has) until Jaime’s breathing has evened out.
Aerys is dead.
Jaime can sleep.
*
It has been a fortnight since the Kingslayer arrived when the Kingslayer gets into bed beside Jaime.
Jaime grumbles, but it does not deter the other man.
“It’s my bed as much as it is yours,” the Kingslayer says.
“Do you even need to sleep?”
“The novelty of listening to you snore all night has worn off,” the Kingslayer says dryly. “You’re welcome to take your turn in the chair.”
“I don’t snore.”
The Kingslayer scoffs and yanks the blanket towards him.
*
When Jaime gets up the Kingslayer is still fast asleep on the other side of the bed.
Jaime doesn’t wake him before he leaves the room.
He does stand on the other side of the door once he has closed it, straining to see if he can hear the gentle snores of his other self.
(He can’t.)
*
(When Jaime opens the door a moment later the Kingslayer is standing in the middle of the room wearing his armour instead of the bedclothes he had borrowed from Jaime.)
*
Going forward it is not every night that the Kingslayer lies down on the other side of Jaime’s bed (sometimes the Kingslayer prefers to look out the window and pace about the room like a caged lion well into the night), but more often than not Jaime feels the mattress shift as his other self settles beside him on the bed that was not built with two people in mind.
Gods, Jaime hates him sometimes.
*
“Did you see Cersei today?” the Kingslayer asks, as he usually does. “Did you speak with her?”
The conversation he’d had with Cersei that day was so brief there isn’t much to tell, but he tells him anyway. Even the Kingslayer seems a little disappointed by it.
“That’s all she said? That’s all you said?” he asks when Jaime has finished relaying the three sentence exchange.
“That’s all.”
The Kingslayer sighs and does not not speak to Jaime again for the rest of the night.
*
Jaime wakes in the night from the usual nightmare about failing to act and the Kingslayer is there beside him.
“Aerys is dead,” the Kingslayer says, his voice low and reassuring. “We killed him.”
“Our sword through his back,” Jaime agrees. “And then across his throat.”
“He’s dead.”
“He is.”
Jaime lets the Kingslayer list through the details as Jaime drifts back to sleep.
*
“Do you have to do that while I’m here?” Jaime snarls. He’s had a long day and an even longer night but is still annoyingly awake as he tries to forget what occasion is one day closer. The last thing he needs while he’s trying to convince his body to sleep is his other self tugging on his cock like a green boy who’s just learned what to do with it on the other side of the bed.
“I don’t exist when you’re not here,” the Kingslayer replies, not even slowing down his rhythm.
“You could wait until I’m asleep.”
“Usually I do, but you seem determined to lie awake tonight and I do not intend to join you.”
Jaime scowls at the thought of his other self pleasuring himself while he sleeps, though at least that is better than him pleasuring himself when Jaime is awake and lying beside him. “Perhaps I’ll leave.”
“Then when you return I’ll have to start again,” the Kingslayer says with a little yawn. Jaime stays where he is so the Kingslayer continues, “I’m thinking of Cersei at the inn. The third time that night. Do you remember?”
Of course Jaime remembers.
Jaime exhales. He had been deep in Cersei’s cunt only hours before. The Kingslayer does not get to enjoy such pleasures anymore. Pity fills Jaime at the thought. The Kingslayer is always the version of himself who has been separated from Cersei for nearly two years.
Jaime pulls a pillow over his head and hopes the memories his other self is indulging in are enough to finish him off soon.
*
“Did you see Cersei today?” the Kingslayer asks shortly after Jaime has returned to his bedchamber.
Jaime shakes his head no, though it is a lie. He saw Cersei today. Cersei who still kisses him with the same fire she did when she came to him in that inn, not that they were able to do that today. Cersei who will be Robert’s queen in a matter of days. Twelve days and she will be someone else’s, even though she is his.
He yawns hugely and goes straight to bed.
At least tonight he falls asleep before the Kingslayer can decide how he wishes to pass the time.
*
The Kingslayer still asks about Cersei each time Jaime returns and each time he does Jaime has to resist the urge to shout at him because Cersei’s wedding is yet another day closer and the Kingslayer doesn’t seem to notice or care.
But the last thing Jaime wants to do is talk about Cersei’s upcoming wedding so he answers with a lie and goes to bed.
On the bad nights, the Kingslayer joins him before Jaime falls asleep.
*
“Have you told anyone about me?” the Kingslayer asks from the other side of the bed
Jaime laughs. “Who would I tell?”
*
The Kingslayer is really taking his time tonight, teasing his cock at a leisurely pace. He keeps building up momentum and then holding back at the last moment, his breath ragged as his hands grip at the sheets or at his hips instead of his cock so he doesn’t spill.
Jaime is about ready to strangle him. Cersei has been too busy with wedding preparations to have any time for him and Jaime is not in the mood to endure his other self amusing himself tonight.
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Jaime growls, moving so he is straddling his other self’s legs and pinning him down to the bed. He grabs hold of the Kingslayer’s cock and strokes him roughly until he spills.
The Kingslayer is breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling as he looks up at Jaime, his eyes wild and dark.
“There.” Jaime snaps as he wipes his hand across the sheets. “Now go to sleep.”
The Kingslayer is still staring up at him. And then looking down his body. And then looking back up at his face.
It is then that Jaime realizes his cock is straining against his breeches.
Jaime dismounts his younger self and returns to his side of the bed.
“If you want I can—” the Kingslayer offers.
“Just go to sleep,” Jaime cuts him off as he punches his pillow into shape and lies down facing the other way.
*
Two nights later Jaime finds himself waiting for the Kingslayer to fall asleep. It has been too long since he and Cersei were able to steal some time together, days since he had a good night's sleep, and longer still since he had any privacy. His constant bedchamber companion has made it difficult to give himself release when he wishes to.
So Jaime waits. His other self may have reached the point where he is comfortable openly gratifying himself while Jaime is awake, but as the Kingslayer constantly points out, he has few options. Jaime still has options. Granted, sneaking away to find Cersei is not possible at the moment, but he is certainly capable of waiting for his other self to fall asleep.
He waits for the Kingslayer to stay silent for a long while (something he is incapable of doing when awake) and then he waits even longer, until the Kingslayer has been silent for what must be an hour and his breathing has slowed and evened out.
Jaime has just settled into the familiar rhythm when he becomes aware that he is not the only one moving in this way.
He tries to ignore what the Kingslayer is doing on his side of the bed, but it is even more difficult than usual because Jaime is doing the same thing. Jaime doesn’t want to be thinking about them both playing with their cocks at the same time, but he is, because that is undeniably what is happening. And he knows it’s pathetic, the two of them here fucking their fists because they can’t fuck Cersei, but he can’t stop thinking of it.
He can’t stop thinking of it any more than he can stop himself from picking up his pace.
It is a relief when he hears the stuttered breath from beside him that means the Kingslayer has finished. Now Jaime can focus without distraction and be done with this so they can both go to sleep and never acknowledge what they have done.
Jaime’s eyes are closed and he is thinking of Cersei and he’s almost there and if he just—
A hand that is not his wraps around his cock as a too-familiar voice says, “Let me.”
He is too close to care and the hand on him feels too fucking good to protest so he lets his own hand fall away.
Jaime thrusts into the Kingslayer’s fist until he spills.
*
They don’t make a habit of it, but as Cersei’s wedding draws nearer, it happens a few more times.
After all, Jaime reasons, it is hardly different from using his own hand for the task.
*
It is hard for Jaime to grasp that the Kingslayer does not feel time passing the way Jaime himself does. Even if the Kingslayer knows time passes for Jaime, he does not experience it. The Kingslayer remembers the things Jaime has previously told him. He remembers that things have happened to Jaime that have not happened to him. He knows that Jaime is getting older, one day at a time, in a way the Kingslayer is not. But no matter how much Jaime mentions events that have happened or are set to happen, the Kingslayer does not seem to register the time Jaime lives outside this room as fully real.
Never is this more apparent than the night of Cersei’s wedding.
*
“Did you see Cersei today?” the Kingslayer asks.
“Of course I fucking saw her today,” Jaime says. He is in no mood for this tonight. He isn’t one of the two guards who are posted outside the King’s bedchamber tonight and he is still not certain whether this is fortunate or not. Surely the reality of standing guard could not be worse than what he is imagining. He has too much experience standing guard outside the previous king’s door, and it is all too easy to hear Cersei’s screams instead, all the while he’s forced to picture Robert rutting into his sister again and again…
“Did you speak with her?”
“I fucked her,” Jaime says as he begins mindlessly undressing, needing to do something with the anger inside him and ridding himself of ceremonial attire is a start. “And then I watched her wed the King.”
“What?”
“I fucked her,” Jaime repeats. “And then I watched her wed the King.”
*
“Today was her wedding day?” the Kingslayer asks.
“Yes,” Jaime says tightly before he balls his tunic up and tosses it aside.
There is a logic to the arrangement and Jaime is not blind to it. By marrying the King, Cersei becomes Queen and she gets to stay in King’s Landing, where Jaime is. That was why he joined the Kingsguard in the first place. To be where she was. That was the plan. And now they are both bound to the King, and here in King’s Landing they are finally close enough to see each other and love each other and—
And none of that helps push the thought of Robert fucking Cersei from his mind.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I did. You knew it was going to happen.” Jaime is suddenly envious of his other self. The Kingslayer didn’t have to live through the weeks that led to this moment. He didn’t have to see their father’s air of triumph that his plans to have a Lannister-born king on the throne would see fruition. He didn’t have to navigate Cersei’s ever-changing feelings about what was happening to her. He didn’t have to stand there and watch the other half of his soul be bound to another. Somehow, the Kingslayer is still able to be surprised by the event Jaime himself has been acutely aware of.
“It happened today?”
“Yes.”
“This… This is Cersei’s wedding night?” There is anger in the Kingslayer’s voice now. The same anger and the jealousy and the helplessness that Jaime had been forced to swallow as he stood and watched Cersei be made another’s.
“This is Cersei’s wedding night,” Jaime confirms.
When the Kingslayer hits him it is a gift, a gift Jaime is all too happy to return.
*
Finally.
After weeks of having to contain himself Jaime finally has an outlet for his rage and conveniently, the outlet shares his feelings.
They pummel each other until the Kingslayer tackles Jaime to the floor.
*
On the floor they wrestle the ways boys do when they aren’t ready for the fighting to stop. Every time one of them manages to get the upper hand, the other turns it around, and so it goes on.
*
Jaime is on the floor and the Kingslayer is above him with his legs straddling him as he tries to get a better grip on Jaime’s wrist. Jaime squirms and twists until he is able to turn his body so he is facing the floor instead of facing his other self. The Kingslayer is reaching an arm around his neck from behind, as if to try and use a choke-hold, but Jaime should be able to buck him off balance enough before he does.
That is not what happens.
*
The Kingslayer doesn’t go for Jaime’s neck and Jaime doesn’t throw him off. Instead there is a long moment where they are still, Jaime with his face to the floor and the Kingslayer above him, holding him down with his weight though Jaime is not resisting.
They are both breathing heavily.
*
“Get off me,” Jaime says through grit teeth.
“Is that what you want?” the Kingslayer asks.
It isn’t what Jaime wants at all. The moment they disengage from each other the fight is over. And when the fight is over he will just be Jaime Lannister trying to get through Cersei’s wedding night with the only person in the whole of the Seven Kingdoms who knows precisely what he is going through.
The Kingslayer must know this. The Kingslayer is him after all. If Jaime was in the Kingslayer’s place right now he would flip his other self over and break his nose so they could keep this going all night. But when Jaime tries to shift his weight to give him the opportunity, the Kingslayer holds him in place and says, “You didn’t answer me.”
“You noticed.”
The Kingslayer seems as frustrated with Jaime as Jaime is with him. The Kingslayer knows what they both need right now. If the Kingslayer could leave this cursed room Jaime would have already dragged him out to the yard and they would spar until they collapsed or the sun came up. But whatever the Kingslayer is, he is only it in this room so they’ll have to make do with their fists tonight.
“Jaime.”
“Fuck off!” Jaime spits. How dare the Kingslayer say his name like that. Like he understands. Is it not enough to know they’re both suffering the same affliction? He doesn’t want to sit here and talk about why he wants to tear himself apart tonight.
“Is that what you want? Or is this what you want?” the Kingslayer asks as he grinds his hips against Jaime’s ass.
Jaime wants to punch him again and he wants to go to the King’s bedchamber and save Cersei from her husband and he wants to be able to do anything, anything at all to make this situation better for Cersei and himself and he wants to go back and somehow convince Cersei to run away with him when he had the chance and he wants the Kingslayer to fuck him hard enough to make him feel something other than all of that.
*
The Kingslayer uses the oil Jaime maintains his sword with to ease his way but he is not gentle.
(The way Jaime threatened him with everything he could think of when the Kingslayer initially showed consideration for his comfort made sure of that.)
With every brutal thrust from the Kingslayer Jaime dwells on what Cersei is enduring tonight.
*
The day after next, Jaime brings two wooden swords to his bedchamber and tosses one to the Kingslayer.
“I wrapped the blades in cloth so they will be quiet,” Jaime explains before the other man can attempt to remove the strange coverings.
The Kingslayer grins and raises his sword.
*
Space is limited, and they can’t spar with the wooden swords the way they would with tourney blades, but just being able to move like this as they speak helps Jaime deal with the fact that he has barely seen Cersei since her wedding day.
(Fumbling with their breeches after they crash onto the bed and jerking each other off also helps.)
*
The Kingslayer has already lost patience with what Jaime is telling him about what happened today. If he’s being honest, the Kingslayer had lost interest shortly after Jaime had told him he hadn’t even seen Cersei, much less found an opportunity to speak with her.
The Kingslayer misses Cersei. Jaime misses her as well. Jaime knows it is not the same, the two year separation the Kingslayer is always suffering is not the same as Jaime, who saw her yesterday. But having to guard the king Cersei is married to, seeing her but not being able to be with her, knowing she is here in this same castle and not being able to go to her…
The last time he and Cersei had been alone together was her wedding day.
That night Jaime and the Kingslayer each lie on their own side of the bed taking turns listing particularly memorable moments they’ve shared with Cersei as they pleasure themselves.
*
Jaime has become accustomed to the Kingslayer being a constant presence in his bedchamber. Some nights they barely acknowledge each other as Jaime returns from a late shift and goes straight to sleep. Other nights they spar with the wooden swords and mock each other’s form while they discuss this and that. Jaime ensures there are writing supplies on hand, should the Kingslayer feel the need to pass the time while Jaime sleeps in that way, but most nights the Kingslayer joins him on the bed.
They speak of Cersei often, both as they spar and after they retire to bed. Jaime wishes he had more to say. Every day that passes is another day since Cersei’s wedding that he and his beloved sister have not been able to do more than glance at each other.
Finding pleasure by each other’s hands before they fall asleep is now as routine as using his own used to be.
*
Tonight when Jaime returns to his room the first thing he says is “Close your eyes.”
The Kingslayer does so without protest and Jaime smiles at his own predictability.
Jaime is silent as he moves around the Kingslayer, removing his armour piece by piece. When the Kingslayer is bare before him, Jaime approaches him without speaking, touching his shoulder with his hand so as not to startle him before he moves in closer, dragging his hands across his skin before he leans in to kiss the Kingslayer’s jaw.
The Kingslayer tenses, but as Jaime slowly kisses his way down his neck he feels him relax. When Jaime reaches the Kingslayer’s chest, he makes a point to drag his tongue across one of the Kingslayer’s nipples, resulting in an unmistakable gasp before he slowly continues his way down. By the time Jaime has reached the Kingslayer’s hips, the Kingslayer’s interest in these activities is self-evident.
Jaime looks up at the Kingslayer as he shifts himself into a better position in front of him. The Kingslayer’s eyes are still closed. Good.
Jaime’s never done this before, but he’s had it done to him. He thinks of Cersei teasing the tip of his cock before she continues and then he does that to Kingslayer.
After that it is not so hard to figure out what to do. With his hand holding the shaft, and his mouth around the head, he moves his tongue in whichever way makes the Kingslayer tense and curse the most.
Jaime pulls back and reaches for the Kingslayer’s hand. It takes only a moment to bring it to the side of his head before he returns his attention to the Kingslayer’s cock.
The Kingslayer’s hand is still touching Jaime as he licks him from base to tip and then takes him into his mouth once again, but the Kingslayer hasn’t yet caught on to what Jaime is inviting him to do. Jaime moves more deliberately, leaning his head so it presses against the Kingslayer’s hand as he swirls his tongue with filthy precision.
Jaime is just about to pull back and tell his other self exactly what is going on when he feels the Kingslayer move his hand with purpose, raking through Jaime’s hair in recognition.
“Cersei,” the Kingslayer breathes as Jaime redoubles his efforts. “I’ve missed you.”
*
The Kingslayer is using both of his hands to play with Jaime’s hair now and Jaime has managed to free his own cock from his breeches with one hand as the Kingslayer keeps telling Cersei everything he hasn’t been able to since they’ve been apart and everything Jaime wishes he could have told Cersei today.
Jaime relishes in being able to draw out this moment, as it is nothing at all like the frantic coupling he and Cersei had shared that afternoon. Jaime had been rushed and Cersei hadn’t come at all. He’d tried to pleasure her, both before and after, just as he had tried to speak with her both before and after. She had smacked his hand away and pressed her hand over his mouth and whispered that there wasn’t time for any of that.
There was barely time for anything. Not her pleasure, and hardly his. The only thing he remembers her saying is “Hurry.”
Those few minutes were the first time he and Cersei had been alone together since she has been married and he is grateful for them, but when Jaime slows his pace and the Kingslayer groans Cersei’s name in a rush of gratitude and love, gods how Jaime wishes his time with Cersei had been anything like this.
*
“You saw Cersei today,” the Kingslayer says.
“I did,” Jaime confirms.
They’re lying in bed not long after the Kingslayer had spilled onto Jaime’s tongue and the Kingslayer had opened his eyes to look down at the mess Jaime had shot onto the floor in front of where he was kneeling.
The Kingslayer doesn’t ask for more details and Jaime is happy to let him fall asleep believing that Jaime already shared what being with Cersei today was like.
*
Every time Jaime returns to his room the Kingslayer asks about Cersei.
Jaime wishes he had more to tell him.
*
When Jaime spends a few nights away from the Red Keep, the Kingslayer does not appear in his tent. For the first time in months Jaime spends his night completely alone, with nothing to distract him from thinking of Cersei back at the castle and resenting the fact that he was chosen to accompany the King on this particular trip.
After this tedious journey away from the castle Jaime returns to his room and finds the Kingslayer waiting for him.
At first Jaime had enjoyed his reprieve from his other self, but as the nights went on he found himself longing for the familiar company. Jaime’s eagerness is evident even to the Kingslayer, who asks how much time has passed with dry amusement as Jaime hurries to rid him of his armour as soon as he’s closed the door behind him.
*
Jaime later discovers that this holds true of tents, inns, and other castles hosting the King and his company. The Kingslayer only appears in Jaime’s own room in King’s Landing and the Kingslayer has no sense of how much time has passed since he was last present. Whether it is hours or weeks since Jaime was last in his bedchamber, the Kingslayer does not know the difference.
He is always waiting in Jaime’s room, and unless Jaime’s appearance has changed (the several days worth of beard that Jaime grew one time he was away let the Kingslayer know time had passed), the Kingslayer has no idea how long Jaime has been gone.
This can cause confusion, but the Kingslayer is never bothered by Jaime’s eagerness to work off his frustrations that only seem to amplify when he is away on duty with the King.
Not that Jaime’s frustrations have been any less when he remains in King’s Landing lately. Time with Cersei has been scarce, and being forced to guard the room the King sleeps in does little to improve his mood.
*
It is the Kingslayer who wakes abruptly tonight, breathing hard and drenched in sweat as he fights his way out of the sheets so it is Jaime who says, “Aerys is dead” until the Kingslayer is able to collect himself.
*
The rain is thick and Jaime’s body feels heavy and warm as he lies on his stomach in his bed.
The Kingslayer is trailing his fingers up and down Jaime’s bare back, the way Jaime likes to do to Cersei when he is lucky enough to have the chance. The Kingslayer is no longer speaking of Cersei the way he does when he’s imagining her in Jaime’s place while they fuck, but his actions are still unmistakably for her. The love in his touch is something Jaime Lannister has for Cersei, and Cersei alone.
Jaime is facing away from the Kingslayer because it is easier, in the moments like this, not to look at his other self. Feeling the echo of what he and Cersei are when he is with the Kingslayer before they fall asleep makes him mourn the quiet moments he and Cersei do not get to share.
*
They lower their wooden swords and Jaime knows that the Kingslayer’s smirk is mirrored on his own face. Given that Cersei is occupied this morning, Jaime can think of no better way to pass the time before his day begins than doing his best to knock that smug look off the Kingslayer’s face.
*
“Tell me about the last time you and Cersei fucked,” the Kingslayer says right before he takes Jaime’s cock into his mouth.
Jaime has to combine elements of the last three times he and Cersei were alone together to make a story worth describing.
*
“Here,” the Kingslayer says from where he is lying behind him as Jaime feels the Kingslayer press his fingertips against his back in a line. “The blade went in right here.”
“Then what?” Jaime whispers. He hates how much this comforts him when he wakes in a panic, but he is glad the Kingslayer indulges him without Jaime having to ask.
The Kingslayer reaches around and draws a line across Jaime’s throat with a single finger. “Here.”
*
“You fucked her tonight?” the Kingslayer asks from behind him.
Jaime’s first attempt at an answer dies in his throat when the Kingslayer’s cock hits that spot inside him that makes his vision white out. Jaime pushes his hips back to meet the Kingslayer’s next stroke more forcefully but the Kingslayer has slowed, his hand holding Jaime’s waist steady.
“I asked if you fucked her tonight.”
“Yes,” Jaime answers through his clenched teeth. “I fucked her tonight.”
“What did she say?”
“Inside,” Jaime answers. That is what Cersei had reminded him as they lay together while her husband was out fucking whores. What she always reminds him when they are together now. She wants to carry his child. She is determined to. “Jaime, inside.”
The Kingslayer groans and slams into Jaime with renewed speed until he too complies with Cersei’s request.
*
By candlelight they practice footwork. Jaime noticed a slight but consistent fault in the way the Kingslayer returns to his stance after a certain counter-block and has deliberately trained himself out of it. He’s pointed it out to the Kingslayer before, but it is still there in his stance every time they train like this. Jaime is not sure whether it is the fact that the Kingslayer is bound to only the knowledge and training that predate the single day he is stuck in, or if the fact that the Kingslayer will never face a true opponent again means he simply doesn’t care if that step leaves him a hair of balance for half of a second.
Either way, it is a strange feeling to know that even in this small way, Jaime is a measurably better swordsman than the Kingslayer.
*
“Did you fuck Cersei like that today?” the Kingslayer asks with an amused grin after he has wiped himself clean. “You were especially generous tonight.”
“No,” Jaime replies with a hearty sigh. “Not like that.”
He had fucked Cersei that morning. She had pulled him into an empty room and had him inside her moments later. As soon as he had spilled she had gotten off him, smoothed her dress back over her legs, and left him there alone.
*
Tonight when the Kingslayer asks if Jaime saw Cersei today Jaime has to steady himself. He did much more than simply see Cersei today.
Cersei is with child. The child Cersei carries is his. She is certain.
In a few short months Jaime will be a father.
He had known that was always Cersei’s intention. To have his children instead of the King’s. But now that she is, truly is, carrying his child, the danger they are in, the danger that their child will always be in…
“No one but us will ever know,” Cersei had promised him earlier that evening, whispering in his ear before she kissed him again.
But in the safety of his bedchamber, Jaime tells the only person he can safely share this secret with.
*
It is strange to discuss the notion of fatherhood with the Kingslayer. The Kingslayer has not seen Cersei in two years. He will never lie with Cersei again. He will never be anything other than what he always is: seven-and-ten on the day between the moment he killed the king and the moment he is reunited with Cersei.
The Kingslayer will never be a father. He will never be anything but what he is when Jaime is here with him in this room. But the Kingslayer is Jaime, and it was Jaime’s seed that planted the babe in Cersei’s womb.
Does that make the Kingslayer as much a father as Jaime?
But the child will not be the Kingslayer’s. Not in name, and not in bond.
The child will not be Jaime’s in this way either, not in name, and not in bond. No one will ever know of the blood they share.
(Jaime is already thinking of the horrors that will befall all of them should anyone find out the truth of this matter.)
But a child is what Cersei wanted.
So Jaime is glad to have given her one.
(Jaime has the Kingslayer fuck him senseless so he can fall asleep that night.)
*
“Cersei has been avoiding me since her pregnancy was announced,” Jaime tells the Kingslayer as they practice footwork with their wooden swords. He’s been keeping this information from the Kingslayer for days, not wanting to admit that his already sparse contact with Cersei is only likely to reduce further.
*
“How long has it been since you killed him?” Jaime asks. Neither of them need him to clarify which ‘him’ they speak of. Even if Jaime didn’t ask this question every so often, there would be no doubt as to who he means.
“Two days,” the Kingslayer replies.
It’s Jaime’s nameday, though he hasn’t told the Kingslayer that. The last time it was his nameday the Kingslayer didn’t shut up about it and the last thing Jaime needs right now is his younger self prattling on about how funny it is that Jaime is getting older. The Kingslayer finds it very amusing. Jaime does not. Not because he cares that he is a year older, but because today, more than most days, the reality that he has become accustomed to sharing his bedchamber with his unaging seven-and-ten year old self seems a strange thing to be used to.
But he is used to it. The last time Jaime even thought about the Kingslayer not being part of his existence had been on his last nameday. The rest of the time Jaime just accepts that the Kingslayer is here as he is, because regardless of Jaime’s feelings on the matter, the Kingslayer is here. Just as he was the night before, and all the nights previous.
*
When Jaime returns to his bedchamber he isn’t ready to share any part of what happened tonight with the Kingslayer.
He has just had to leave Cersei alone in her bed after a stolen evening with her. Robert was occupied and Jaime had nowhere else to be and for once Cersei let him linger. It wasn’t all night, but it was far more time than they have had together since she returned to King’s Landing. Jaime had gotten to see her body, swollen with his child, laid out before him.
He’s not sure the Kingslayer could ever understand the painful joy of that.
Before tonight Jaime certainly couldn’t.
*
As the time when Cersei will be in the birthing bed draws nearer, Jaime finds it more and more difficult to speak of her to the Kingslayer. Their own mother died in the birthing bed, and the Kingslayer seems to understand Jaime’s hesitation to discuss it. He still asks after Cersei almost every time he sees Jaime, but he does not ask for details, and Jaime does not provide them. If he saw Cersei, however briefly, he will tell the Kingslayer that he saw her, if he did not, then he says he did not, and that is the extent of it. Even when he and the Kingslayer lie together, they do not speak of Cersei as they usually do. Instead their coupling is as quiet and focused as all the times Cersei and Jaime had been forced to be silent to ensure no one would ever suspect what they were doing.
*
Jaime has not mentioned her pregnancy for weeks prior when he returns to his bedchamber and announces, “A boy.”
“And Cersei?” the Kingslayer asks.
“She is well.”
*
The Kingslayer listens to the updates of Cersei and the babe in the days after she has birthed him, but the questions he asks, if any, are about Cersei, and Cersei alone.
Perhaps the Kingslayer understands the situation better than Jaime does:
The child will never be his.
The Kingslayer is still seven-and-ten, still waiting for a reunion with Cersei that will never come. He did not spill his seed in her cunt nine moons ago and he does not have to live with a secret bastard who will inherit the throne. The Kingslayer has no responsibility to protect Cersei and this child from certain death if this secret is discovered.
There are times Jaime envies his other self.
Because the child is his, and the lives of Cersei, Joffrey and himself depend on no one finding that out.
*
The Kingslayer is alternating between sucking and stroking Jaime’s cock and though Jaime is thinking about Cersei, and how sweet it is when she uses her mouth to ready him for her cunt, he is also thinking about the last time he was alone with her. The babe had been at her breast and Cersei had let him linger in the room with her only for a moment before she’d sent him away.
It is hardly a pleasant thought, but it is what his mind keeps circling back to instead of any of the more enjoyable memories of Cersei he has.
When the Kingslayer pulls back and asks Jaime to talk about Cersei until he comes, Jaime suggests that the Kingslayer arrange himself so Jaime can pleasure him directly instead.
It takes a moment to get them aligned on the bed, but their exact match in heights makes it easy to get the other’s cock into his mouth without difficulty. (Jaime remembers the struggle he and Cersei had the first time they had tried this and is grateful both for the memory and for the fact that he is in no position to try and describe it to the Kingslayer.)
*
“I hardly see her anymore,” Jaime snaps after the Kingslayer has asked what he always asks. Cersei is consumed with her babe and she dares not let Jaime spend time with them for their safety, even as Joffrey grows closer to his first nameday. He feels like he hasn’t seen her properly in years. “There’s never enough time.”
“How could there be?” the Kingslayer replies, and he’s so earnestly certain that Jaime lowers his wooden sword to look at him properly.
The Kingslayer is right of course. When it comes to Cersei, every moment of the rest of their lives wouldn’t be enough time. There is no enough. He will always want more because he will always want her.
She is the other half of his soul. Made for him as he is made for her. The fact that he feels this way only proves it is so.
That evening Jaime makes a point to express his gratitude to the Kingslayer for reminding him of that.
*
For a while Jaime allows himself to think it will be different after Cersei has another child. Sometimes she says it will be different while they’re quickly redressing after fucking so Jaime can leave without being seen. One day things will be different for them. One day they will have more time.
Jaime tells the Kingslayer that when the Kingslayer asks about what Cersei says when they lie together. He tells the Kingslayer about the way Cersei will tell him she can’t wait to have him in her bed all night and all day and all night again. One day it will be different, Cersei says, so that is what Jaime says while he and the Kingslayer are fucking and then falling asleep in the same bed afterwards the way Cersei and Jaime can only dream of doing. One day there will be more time for them.
But it is not different. Not after Myrcella is born, nor after Tommen.
The time Jaime has with Cersei remains both scarce and brief, but he makes the most of it.
And even as the children grow older, Jaime’s situation does not change.
Jaime guards the King and loves his sister and returns each night to the room he shares with his seven-and-ten-year-old self.
And if he lies in bed sometimes, pretending the golden-haired person asleep beside him is Cersei instead of who it really is, who can blame him? Certainly not the Kingslayer, who wishes Jaime was Cersei in the exact same way.
At least the person Jaime is destined to spend his nights with understands.
(There is no one else in this world who does.)