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The rain fell down in the replacement of Tubbo's tears. It wasn't a downpour but the hazy drizzle was enough to convey the cloud of sorrow that had fallen over the server. Tubbo needed the rain. He was numb. Numb to everything. He could barely even eat, sleep, or move places. The world had just stopped.
Tommy was dead. That much he knew. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't accept it. It was too much. So what was Tubbo doing instead? Regretfully, he was zoning out. Tubbo laid on his bed, silent. He stared at the ceiling and listened to the patter of the raindrops. He wasn't even thinking, everything was clouded. The minute a coherent thought of Tommy or reality came forth, a pang of intense pain jolted through his body.
Tubbo turned his head across the room to face the bottles piled up on the table. They danced and swayed in his vision. A flash of JSchlatt passed across his eyes and Tubbo winced. He needed to sleep. But he was too tired to sleep. It didn't make sense but he was exhausted in a different way. He was so tired of having to face this reality, a reality without Tommy.
Slowly, Tubbo got up from his bed and stumbled across the room. He keeled over at the table and fumbled for a half empty bottle. Trembling, Tubbo brought the drink to his lips and tossed his head back in an aggressive swig. He gulped down the hot liquid and burped. His throat was on fire. Tubbo shoved the horrible feeling away. Life without Tommy was shit, so why not physically manifest that?
Tubbo heard a knock at the door and a soft voice call his name. Tubbo set the bottle down shakily. He didn't reply hoping the person would just go away but then he heard the door open. Tubbo instantly zoned out again.
Ranboo looked around the room, "Tubbo?" he called. He walked in to see Tubbo hunched over the table with bottles all over the place. Ranboo gasped and hurried over to his fiancé. "Tubbo oh my god," Ranboo fussed, "You look like shit." Tubbo wasn't about to admit that Ranboo was right. He hadn't slept in days. He hadn't showered, couldn't remember the last time he ate, and hadn't changed his clothes. His skin was deathly pale and purple bags were circled under his eyes. Ranboo dragged Tubbo back to his bed and sat him down.
Ranboo stroked the side of Tubbo's face, "Tubbo...are you okay?"
"M'fine," Tubbo slurred, waving Ranboo away.
Ranboo's facial expression hardened, "I'm taking that as a no. When was the last time you ate?" Tubbo stared off into the distance with no response. Ranboo sighed, "Tubbo when did you last eat?"
Tubbo shrugged, "Dunno. Not hungry."
"You need to eat, Tubs," Ranboo whispered. Tubbo sharply inhaled and his nostrils flared. He jumped away from Ranboo's touch and a cold expression swept over his face. Ranboo was taken aback.
"Don't call me that," Tubbo hissed.
Ranboo shyly pulled back, "Sorry, sorry. But Tubbo, you need to eat something."
"I'm not hung'y R'nboo," Tubbo whined, swaying in his spot.
"Alright fine," Ranboo caved in, "When did you sleep last?" Tubbo was silent once again, his eyes glazed over with a hazy white and whiskey orange-brown. His mouth hung open and his lips were cracked and dry. Ranboo sighed exasperatedly, "Tubbo, when did you last get some sleep?"
"Before...before...'fore it happen'd," Tubbo struggled to respond. His head lolled to the side. Ranboo bit his lip in concern. Tubbo hadn't slept since Tommy had died. How had Tubbo managed to stay awake for three (almost four) days?
"Tubbo I won't force you to eat, but I will make you sleep. And no more drinking, you hear me?" Ranboo decided. Tubbo's shoulders drooped in disappointment but he didn't object. Ranboo reached over and laid Tubbo down on his side. He laid the blanket over the boy and sat down on the floor next to him.
Tubbo reached out and gripped the sleeve of Ranboo's shirt. "Stay."
"Of course. There's no way I'm leaving with you like this," Ranboo replied. He gently carded his fingers through Tubbo's hair and gave him a soft smile. Tubbo nodded contently.
"Good. I sleep now," Tubbo snuggled further into his pillow, "G'night."
The rain poured down harder and Ranboo sat there with Tubbo as he slept.
A week had passed since Ranboo had first come to help Tubbo, and slowly he was getting better. Tubbo was eating, cleansing, and changing his clothes regularly. His skin was no longer paper white and the circles under his eyes had faded to a dull dark periwinkle. Ranboo had confiscated any and every bottle of alcohol on the server and had endlessly scoured Tubbo's house just in case he had a stash. Luckily, Tubbo hadn't completely fallen down an alcoholism rabbit hole and he had managed to pull away from that relatively easily. Ranboo had clung to Tubbo's side constantly and refused to leave him.
The only problem was that Tubbo was still in denial. At any mention of Tommy or something that reminded Tubbo of the blonde boy, he would freeze up and dissociate. It wasn't even a question. Ten days since Tommy had passed and nine since the funeral and yet Tubbo still hadn't visited the grave. Today, Ranboo would try to convince Tubbo to see him.
Tubbo was slowly biting into a loaf of bread from Niki. Ranboo was eating a pancake. Ranboo set down his fork and knife and clasped his fingers together. "Tubbo, I need to talk to you."
"What's up, big man?" Tubbo tilted his head to the side.
Ranboo sighed heavily, "I want to talk about it."
"Talk about what, Ranboo? You're being really vague," Tubbo chuckled innocently. He placed down the loaf of bread. Deep down in his gut he could feel the twisting and writhing of emotional turmoil. Tubbo had grown so numb that he had just become accustomed to it.
Ranboo rubbed his temples, "About him, Tubbo."
It took all of Tubbo's willpower not to dissociate. He tried so hard to stay in the moment but he could feel himself wavering in and out of reality. Heaving in and out his hand snapped forward and desparately clung to Ranboo's wrist. Tubbo grit his teeth and bit down on his tongue. The sharp metallic taste of blood let him know he had bitten a little too hard.
Tubbo enunciated each syllable, his mouth feeling like it was full of sand. "Keep going Ranboo."
"I think you should visit his grave," Ranboo continued, "It's been over a week."
Tubbo felt his grip slipping away. He dug his fingers into the table, clinging as tight as he could. "Mhm," Tubbo choked out in response, "I'm listening, I-I'm here."
"I know how much you love him. Would it make you feel better if I came?" Ranboo placed his other hand on top of Tubbo's, tracing circles with his thumb. Tubbo wasn't oblivious to the fact Ranboo had used present-tense for his feelings for Tommy. It helped, sure, but he was still struggling to stay in the moment with Ranboo.
"Y-Yes," Tubbo stammered. The world was blurring around him. He couldn't even feel himself speaking. "That w-would be good."
Ranboo fiddled with the red jewel on Tubbo's engagement ring, "And you're sure? In the end it's still up to you."
And with that Tubbo broke back into reality. The world was almost too sharp and crisp anger bubbled up in his throat. He inhaled and exhaled slowly. "Yes. I owe it to him."
"Let's get ready to go then," Ranboo guided Tubbo over to the door and they pulled on their shoes. The enderman hybrid opened the door and gestured for Tubbo to leave. Tubbo stepped outside to greet the sun. It beamed down at him, nearly blinding.
"Which way?" Tubbo asked gruffly. Ranboo guided Tubbo up to the Prime Path.
As Tubbo followed Ranboo he realized his dissociative state was far away. The world was sharp, clear, crisp, and a hint of red lined his peripheral vision. As he looked around, the ghosts of blood and bombs wavered in his memory. He could practically hear the fireworks and TNT. He could hear the carefree laughter and screams of terror. He could see the phantoms of celebration and the shadows of tragedy. This place was branded with too many conflicting emotions. But at that moment, Tubbo was threatening to explode with blinding anger.
Why? Why did it have to be this way? Why did all of these wars and manipulation have to happen? Why so many betrayals? And why did his best friend have to fall victim to the perils of everyone else's mistakes? He was ready to burst at the seams.
As they continued down the path Tubbo saw it. The humble little dirt house built into the side of a cliff. A house that had been griefed and blown apart too many a time. Tubbo wondered why Tommy had been so insistent to live there. The stubbornness had always made him laugh. But now, it just made him mad. Red and white tulips were planted on either side of the path leading up to Tommy's house. Tubbo's fists clenched.
Why?
"Tubbo, over here," Ranboo called. Ranboo was standing by the bench. Tubbo slowly approached the bench, trembling with fury and fear. And on the other side of the bench was a simple little gravestone.
Here lies
TommyInnit
Our friend, family, and the boy we loved
"The child who is not embraced by the village
will burn it down to feel its warmth."
Died: March 1st, 2021
Tubbo gasped audibly. Ranboo hung his head silently. And then it hit him. This was real. Tommy was dead. Tommy was gone.
Forever.
Tubbo collapsed to his knees in the dirt. He read the headstone over and over again. Rage burned in the pits of his stomach, fire spreading through his limbs. Tommy...his Tommy...had been taken away from him. And in that rage he heard a deathly terrifying scream. A guttural cry that only a person in true pain and agony could ever let out. A scream of true loss and a hole in one's heart that could never be fixed. Tubbo realized that scream had come from him.
And Tubbo didn't hold back. His screams echoed over the entirety of the server, and his bellows could be heard by everyone. The world came to a standstill for just a moment for them. But for Tubbo, his world had stopped for good.
Eventually Tubbo's scream came to a close, his throat hoarse. He panted and closed his eyes. Ranboo rested a hand on Tubbo's back and rubbed soothing circles. Tubbo fell onto his elbows and was basically praying in front of the grave. The anger washed away and a great gaping sadness was replaced instead. And for the first time in reaction to Tommy's death, Tubbo cried. His gasping turned into sobs and hot tears rolled openly down his cheeks. Ranboo lowered to his knees next to the grieving boy and he continued to rub circles on his back.
"Why...why did you do this? Why did you take him from me? Why?" Tubbo wailed. He sat back up on his haunches and made eye contact with Ranboo. "Why...of all people why did he have to...? IT'S NOT FAIR!"
Ranboo wrapped his arms around Tubbo and pulled him into his side, letting the other boy openly weep into his shoulder. Ranboo looked the headstone up and down and squeezed Tubbo tighter to him. Tubbo clung desperately to Ranboo's clothes. Ranboo didn't care if he ripped holes in them, he was glad Tubbo was finally releasing his emotions.
"We could've run away..." Tubbo rasped, "We could've just run. We would've been fine. He would still be here. We would listen to the disks, I could have my bees. Life would be perfect. But we stayed. Ranboo, why did we stay?" Ranboo's heart shattered at the look in his fiancé's eyes. He could see the heartbreak, the loss, the suffering, the misery. Tubbo began to cry once again.
Ranboo ruffled the brunette's hair, "I know Tubbo, I know. Let it all out."
Tubbo scooped up a handful of dirt and watched it fall through his fingertips. "He's gone. I-I can't believe he's really gone..."
"It's okay, Tubbo."
"And I never even got to say goodbye!"
Tubbo sobbed harder at the thought. Tommy had died alone. He had been isolated and trapped in the prison. He had died in a cold, dark, small space with the smiley-faced manipulative green bastard. Tubbo hated himself for not caring more. Tommy had been in prison and he had just been fooling around. He'd built some random hotel and gotten engaged to Ranboo while Tommy was being tortured. He felt horrible.
Tubbo shuddered and shook his head, "I'd do anything to have it be me instead."
"We all would," Ranboo agreed. He rested his head on top of Tubbo's as the brunette's cries began to slow down.
"He doesn't deserve this," Tubbo choked out, "He deserves a happy and healthy life. A long one. He's the best friend anyone could ever ask for." Tubbo couldn't bear to speak of Tommy in the past-tense like that.
Ranboo nodded, "He would want you to have one as well."
"If only I had done more," Tubbo ranted as if Ranboo hadn't spoken, "If I had just paid more attention to him, if Sam had just not let Tommy into the prison that day, if I had just taken him and run for the hills. I should've visited him when he was exiled!" Tubbo rested his head in his hands. "None of this would've happened if it weren't for exile. This is my fault."
"No, no, Tubbo. Trust me, it's not your fault," Ranboo jumped to reassure him.
Tubbo lifted his head to look at the gravestone. He read it over and over. The words were settling in, but it didn't make it any less painful. He had loved Tommy so much. And he had just been ripped from him. Tubbo's heart had just been severed in two.
Ranboo looked around and back to Tommy's house. He pat Tubbo on the back, "Gimme a sec, I'm gonna go get something." He stood up and walked away, leaving a sniffling and tearstained Tubbo with the grave.
Tubbo leaned forward and rested a hand on the stone. He remembered all of the times when he was certain he was going to die and somehow he had made it to the other side. Tubbo couldn't decipher how he had managed to win every time, but of course he knew that what went up had to come down. And that included his luck. He remembered being stuck with Dream during the Disk Confrontation. He remembered accepting his own fate and willingly going to die. Tubbo shuddered at the memory. He dragged his fingers over the engraved words and sighed sadly.
"What am I without you?"
He heard his own reply echo in his head.
Yourself.
Tubbo scoffed to himself, "Yeah easier said than done."
Ranboo came back over. "Here," he handed Tubbo a red flower. "I'll go stand back over there, you say whatever you need to say to him." Ranboo walked back over to Tommy's house and left Tubbo alone.
Tubbo clutched the flower like a lifeline. He gripped it like it was the last living remains of Tommy. He snorted at himself. He had the disks, he had his compass, he had the memories.
But it wasn’t the same. They would never replace the bubbling and wheezing laughter, the wide smile and the loving apologies. Tommy couldn’t be replaced. He was a spark of hope in times of darkness. Tubbo missed him. So. Much.
”Hey big man,” Tubbo started. He set the tulip down in front of the grave. It laid limp and fragile. A delicate piece of china on the verge of shattering. "I-I miss you. So much. I can't believe this is how it ended. Just...so...out of nowhere." The boy sniffled and wiped at his eyes.
Tubbo shook his head, "It was so cruel. You were alone. No one was there. You were stuck with that son of a bitch for a week. A week. And all for nothing." Tubbo choked out another sob. "Tommy I'm so sorry." Tubbo furiously shook his head. He convulsed into a ball, wracked with sobs and keeled over to let his forehead hit the ground.
"I can't do this. I can't. I can't do this Tommy, I can't go on without you," Tubbo cried hoarsely. "I don't know what to do!" The brunette yelled in agony and chucked a handful of dirt off the hill. He slumped back on his haunches and rolled his head back. He could feel his heart aching.
"What's the point? I'm never gonna see you again. And I don't care if you do come back as fucking GhostInnit or not, it won't be the same!" He knew that if Tommy were here he'd be yelling at him not to say or believe these things. He also knew if Tommy was the one mourning instead he would be doing this same thing. But Tommy could move on. He was strong. He was a warrior. He had always been.
Tubbo was weak. He was a yes-man and a pushover. A fool. There was no way he was going to be able to push past this. The grief....it was such a burden. And he was so tired. He was done with this nonsense. He didn't want it anymore.
"I'm trying, I really am Tommy. But it's too damn hard," Tubbo whispered. "Maybe it'd be better if I lost my last life...see you again? Never worrying. Annoy the shit out of Wilbur and Schlatt," he let out a watery chuckle.
And as he laughed he remembered Tommy. His bright optimism, always guiding the way. Illuminating the whole server and never failing to set people's hearts aflame. The hope he brought to the server had never been a curse. The attachment and love for others and items had been a blessing. Tommy was a blessing. And if the people of the server were going to learn a lesson from Tommy, from his life and his legacy, Tubbo would make sure of it. He was going to tell Tommy's story.
Tubbo was going to spread the goodwill and keep Tommy's memory alive. His story and everything he had sacrificed. The tragic story of a hero (because Techno had been right in saying they never got a happy ending) who wasn't a man, but a courageous boy who lit up the world around him. Tubbo would preserve the lessons Tommy brought. The lessons of hope and faith. The lessons of childlike wonderment. The lessons of love and compassion. The lessons of being allowed to learn from your mistakes.
The world would see Tommy for who he truly was. A boy with dreams. A boy with disks. A boy who was kind. A boy who was NOT selfish. A boy who was NOT arrogant. They would see him as Tubbo's best friend in the whole wide world, and someone who did not deserve all of the torture done to him.
This server was going to face their mistakes. They would not die for it, no. Tubbo decided that wouldn't be fair. If Tommy shouldn't die for his mistakes, no one else should either. Not even Dream. Tubbo scowled at the thought. But Dream should have to live with his wrongs. Tubbo nodded to himself. That would be enough.
Tommy would be remembered and everyone would learn a thing or two from his life.
And if that was what Tubbo was going to live for, then so be it.