Archive of Our Own

School bell rings, walk me home

Sidewalk chalk covered in snow

Lost my gloves, you give me one

"Wanna hang out?"

Yeah, sounds like fun

Video games, you pass me a note

Sleeping in tents

It's nice to have a friend

It was one of those rare winters where the snow didn’t immediately make Hajime hate the damn season. Walking home with Oikawa that evening, the snow even seemed beautiful to Hajime for what might’ve been the first time in his life. The end of their middle school careers was quickly approaching, and it was difficult to describe the feelings that had been running through Hajime for the past few weeks, ever since the volleyball season had ended for the Third Years and they had officially retired from the team. What had his mother called it again, when she’d said he’d seemed a bit down and maybe he should spend some time with Tooru this weekend, it had been awhile right? Oh, yes, Hajime remembered now. Nostalgia.

It’s not like anything would really be changing when he went to high school in just a few months time. He and Oikawa were going to the same high school after all. They would both go to Aoba Johsai and they would both join the volleyball team and they would both do their homework on the floor of one of their bedrooms every Sunday. They would still make chalk drawings with Takeru to keep him occupied while the grown ups cooked and talked and laughed over things only grown ups were allowed to know. They’d probably still have sleepovers every other day too. 

“Iwa-chan? What are you thinking about so hard?” Oikawa was giving him that little, real smile of his that was reserved for special occasions and when the two of them were alone. When he wasn’t pretending to be perfect or mean or happy or anything. 

“Hm? Nothing.” 

“Oh don’t give me that. Your face is doing the scrunchy thing it does when you’re frustrated.”

Hajime supposed that maybe the nostalgia he was feeling was a bit... Anticipatory? Hajime feared for the day they would graduate high school, or graduate college, or move away from each other. When they would grow up and have to live separate lives, they wouldn’t get to see eachother every damn day.

“Hello? Earth to Iwa-chan? Did your brain short-circuit from thinking too much?”

 Maybe that wouldn’t actually be too bad. 

“No, my brain didn’t short-circuit you dumbass.” Oikawa wasn’t wrong though. Hajime could feel his forehead scrunching up more as he spoke. 

“Then what’s wrong with you today? You’ve been quiet the whole walk home.”

“It’s really nothing. I’m just thinking about high school.” Hajime wasn’t necessarily lying, but he felt like he needed to keep some of this from Tooru. Like maybe it would be too much for Oikawa to handle right now, though he wasn’t sure why. 

“I see… are you nervous?”

“Not really, no.”

“Well then what is it?”

“It’s nothing Oikawa.”

“Iwa-”

“Do you want to come over and play video games? You could probably spend the night too. Mom said it's been too long since she’s seen you.”

They had stopped walking at some point, and Hajime wasn’t sure who had stopped first. Oikawa was looking at him again. Oikawa was looking at him like he could see him, like he knew something that Hajime wasn’t yet aware of. He laughed to himself, making Hajime feel nervous and a bit angry.

“What are you laughing at huh?” Hajime watched Oikawa smile to himself. He watched as it began to snow, and the streetlights made it look glittery and from another world. And as it glittered around Oikawa, some landing in his hair, Hajime thought it for the second time that night. 

Beautiful.

So it wasn’t the snow after all. 

“It’s nothing Hajime. Let’s go to your place, okay?”

Tooru almost never called him that anymore. 

Light pink sky up on the roof

Sun sinks down, no curfew

Twenty questions, we tell the truth

You've been stressed out lately? Yeah, me too

Something gave you the nerve

To touch my hand

It's nice to have a friend

One week, and then they would graduate. They still hadn’t talked about it. About their plans, about what would come after. Hajime was nervous to say the least. Him moving to another country was going to be a shock to Oikawa for sure, though he still wasn’t sure if he would go. Sure, he had told UC Irvine he was coming, he had bought his plane ticket, he’d sworn his parents to secrecy, but that didn’t mean he had to go, right? 

Hajime knew it’s what he wanted. He knew there was no point in staying for Oikawa, who would probably move to Tokyo or who knows which big city and join the V-League. Hajime knew OIkawa had received offers, Oikawa had even mentioned something about a European league, months ago, but they hadn’t talked about it. Hajime knew he had time, the American schools started in the fall, and it was only April now. But he didn’t know how much time he had left with Oikawa. He didn’t know how many more chances he would have to just exist with his best friend. He didn’t know how many more chances he’d get in order to know.

And that was the real problem, wasn’t it? Hajime and Oikawa had already made a promise to each other, months ago, after they lost to Karasuno. That they’d stay friends, that they’d always believe in each other, that they would both always do their best. But Hajime needed to know. It had been driving him crazy for years, and he wasn’t even sure when it had started. Hajime needed to know if Oikawa felt it too. If he felt the tension, the tightness in his chest, the unspoken words that seemed to flow between them, that had just become thicker and harder to ignore in the past few months, as the time seemed to slip away from them. 

They still hadn’t talked about it, but for now, this was enough. Hajime told himself it would have to be enough. They were sitting on his roof, and had been for some time. They had brought a blanket out with them at sunset, but it had to have been hours since then. He and Oikawa had been having more and more nights like this recently, where they came to the unspoken agreement that they were running out of time and didn’t want to waste it with sleep. They would usually sleep all the next day, but that was okay. The nights were more special to them anyway. They seemed more themselves when the world was quiet and no one was around, when they didn’t have to be or do anything. 

During those nights, they blurred the lines more and more, but Hajime still wasn’t sure what that meant to Oikawa. Like tonight, on the roof. They had climbed out of Hajime’s second story bedroom window, and were sharing the blanket, leaning against the houses' siding. They were pressed as tightly together as they possibly could be, listening to music on Oikawa’s old iPod Shuffle. They were songs that were popular when they were in middle school, and Hajime remembered that night in the snow, the first time he had looked at Oikawa and realized how beautiful he was. It was the kind of realization you never forget, one that changed his life. One that helped him put all the pieces that he’d been holding onto together to see the full picture of his relationship with Oikawa, and what Hajime wanted it to become, and how he never wanted it to end. And Hajime remembered that word again. 

Nostalgia.

Hajime felt Oikawa lean his head on top of his, and held his breath. When he began to breathe again, Hajime felt like he couldn’t get enough air, that they were pressed so closely together that there was no way that Oikawa couldn’t tell, that he had to feel how fast Hajime’s heart was beating and how hard his breathing was becoming, and everytime he inhaled it only made it worse because all he could smell was Oikawa . 

“Hajime?” Tooru sounded breathy when he said his name, and Hajime stopped breathing again, because Tooru almost never called him that anymore, and he definitely never called him that like that . 

“Yeah?” Hajime felt like he could barely get the words out, but damn he needed to say it. “Tooru?” 

He felt Tooru’s shoulders move with his sudden inhale at Hajime saying his name, and Hajime could almost hear his blood rushing in his ears and his face was so hot, he was so thankful that is was dark out because just like Tooru almost never calls him by his first name anymore, Hajime truly cannot remember the last time he called Oikawa by his either. 

“Let’s play a game.”

“What did you want to play Tooru?” Because now that Hajime had said it how could he not keep saying it? When he had noticed Tooru’s reaction to it, and God he just needed to know what it meant.

“20 questions?” 

“Sure.” It was a game they played often when they were bored, but Hajime could feel the tension thickening in a way he had never felt before, felt it like bands about to snap around him if the pressure wasn’t eased soon. 

The rules were simple: each person took turns asking a question, and the other person had to answer yes or no to figure out the answer. 

“Let’s change it up though. Instead of trying to figure out what the other person is thinking of, lets just ask questions and answer them honestly.” 

“Okay. Yes or no questions only, right Tooru?” Hajime felt Tooru inhale again at the sound of his name. 

“Sure Hajime. You go first.”

“Okay. Is it true that you walked in on Yahaba and Mad Dog making out the other day and Mad Dog threatened your life if you ever told anyone?” Hajime knew this was true, he’d heard it from Kyoutani himself, but he wanted to start off easy. HE felt Tooru jump, and lift his head off of Hajime’s and he almost regretted asking. 

“What the hell Hajime? How did you even know about that?” 

“Yes or no questions only Tooru. Am I to take that response as a yes?” 

“Yes it’s a yes, don’t tell anyone or Mad Dog will kill me.” Iwaizumi just laughed to himself, and waited for Tooru to ask his question. They asked silly questions about gossip at school they had heard, or family secrets that they had each started to piece together about the other, until Tooru finally just said it, and then Hajime knew the reason for this game. 

“I know about Irvine.” Hajime tensed and he felt Tooru’s hand reach for his now fisted one. “It’s okay. I’m not upset that you didn’t tell me. I’m not upset that you’re going, I promise.” Hajime could feel his eyes watering as he tried to calm himself, felt Tooru force his fingers open and slide his hand into Hajime’s. Tooru probably meant it to be comforting, but it was all Hajime could do to not let the tears fall. Because with that simple movement of Tooru’s hand over his own, Hajime knew. He supposed he had always known. Of course Tooru felt it. Of course he felt the tension, the fear, the longing, the love. Hajime had been a fool to think he could keep anything from Tooru. 

“How long have you known?”

“You’re mom told me about a week ago. She said it was time I knew.” Hajime just nodded, forgetting for a moment about Tooru’s head still resting on his own. Hajime felt the softness of Tooru’s hair against his face, and let the tears fall. 

“I have to tell you something else too.” Hajime lifted his head, looked at Tooru for what was the first time in hours. “I’m going to play abroad. I was offered a tryout for a team in the Argentinian League.”

“Oh.” Hajime kept his eyes on Tooru, who was looking at his hand in Hajime’s hand, playing with Hajime’s fingers with the other. It wasn’t the confession that Hajime was expecting, but Hajime didn’t need that right now. 

They didn’t need to make promises about keeping in touch. The promises had already been made all those months ago, reaffirmed with Tooru’s grip on Hajime’s hand now. 

Hajime supposed he had always known. He leaned back into Tooru, his head resting on Tooru’s shoulder, Tooru’s head resting on Hajime’s. 

Time, mystical time

Cuttin' me open, then healin' me fine

Were there clues I didn't see?

And isn't it just so pretty to think

All along there was some

Invisible string

Tying you to me?

The first time Hajime visited Tooru in Argentina was also the first time Hajime had seen him since he left. They had Skyped, and messaged each other everyday, sending each other pictures and snapchats and memes. They shared such small things about their days, but the more inconsequential the thing Tooru took the time to message him about, the more intimate it felt. 

Tooru was waiting for him outside of customs at the San Juan airport. Hajime noticed what he hadn’t over video chat and pictures. He saw how fit Oikawa had gotten, How tan he was, how he seemed even taller, how his presence seemed even larger than before. This was Tooru as he never was in Japan. In Japan, Tooru had been insecure and angry. Here, he simply projected happiness, contentment, and a sort of confidence that didn’t seem cocky in the slightest.

Hajime had never been more attracted to Tooru, to anyone, in his entire life. 

When their eyes finally met, Hajime felt it again, something that had only just been there between them over the thousands of miles of distance that had been between them in the last six years. He felt himself being pulled towards Oikawa, felt himself running only after his feet were already taking him to Tooru.

Hajime had finally graduated from college, was going to move back to Japan and hopefully find a job in sports medicine with a professional volleyball team. This trip had been a very generous graduation gift from his parents. His mother had told him about the tickets over Skype as he was packing boxes to go back to Japan. It’s been too long, don’t you think? And Hajime felt the tension tighten in him, what he had begun to think of as he had watched Oikawa’s plane take off for Argentina all those years ago as an invisible string between them, something that would simply always connect them, no matter the distance separating them. And he remembered his mother saying those words to him so long ago, when they were just kids, when he didn’t understand what she must’ve known even then. 

It’s been too long, don’t you think? And she smiled at him, her head dropping to rest on his father's shoulder all the way back in Miyagi, his father's head dropping onto hers. The way she stared into Hajime’s eyes made him feel seen, exposed. 

It’s been too long, don’t you think? And God had it been. Hajime finally reached Tooru after what felt like forever. They were both breathing hard, and that’s when Hajime realized Tooru must've ran to him as well. They were just looking at each other, and Hajime could feel the tension between them urging them to be even closer together. Before Hajime knew what was happening, before a word was even spoken between them, Hajime felt Tooru’s hands cupping him on either side of his face. Tooru’s eyes were searching Hajime’s face for something, a question asked and answered silently, and then he was kissing him, and Hajime had never been kissed like this before. He felt the tension that had been building between them their whole lives finally snap as Hajime grabbed Tooru’s waist and leaned in and thought finally. 

Church bells ring, carry me home

Rice on the ground looks like snow

Call my bluff, call you "babe"

Have my back, yeah, everyday

Feels like home, stay in bed

The whole weekend

It's nice to have a friend

Tooru had retired at 30. He had told Hajime he was just ready to come back home. In reality, it had been that his knee couldn’t take anymore. Besides, Tooru had known the reality of his career when he had chosen it, that eventually he would plateau, and get old, and his body wouldn’t be able to take it anymore. 

He had proposed to Hajime two years later.

“What’s the point Shittykawa? It’s not even legal here.” 

“Well, we’ll have to go get married in America I think. And while we’re at it, we might as well just move there.” Hajime just stared at Tooru, unsure if he had heard him right. “You loved California. And UC Berkely had an assistant coaching position open up so I applied and-”

And Hajime had never had to tell Tooru how much he loved California, how at home he had felt in America. How he had always had the thought of going back someday, maybe, in the back of his head. 

“Hajime are you listening to me? Are you angry I didn’t tell you? Because-” 

“Of course I’m not angry! I’m so happy, I-” and then Tooru was kissing him, and why did he always interrupt Hajime when he was talking, and why did Hajime’s heart still flutter every time, even all these years later. 

A year later, and they were holding hands, Tooru squeezing a little too hard, like he always did, and their closest friends and family were throwing rice over them as they left the small chapel next to the UC Berkeley campus. Hajime hadn’t really understood the tradition, but his old roommate from Irvine had insisted and Oikawa had thought it would be romantic.

 Hajime felt like he was moving in slow motion as he and Tooru’s eyes met. Was it still nostalgia he was feeling? As Hajime looked at Tooru and felt all the love and happiness and every indescribable thing he had ever felt towards Tooru all at once. 

And for a moment, he was 14 again, and the rice in Tooru’s hair looked so much like snow, and Tooru was laughing again, but this time Hajime knew what it meant. He supposed he had always known.