Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

There is a reoccurring dream. 

A dream that starts with sunlight and clear skies. A dream that shows the widest greenfield, flourishing with life. Hajime is always walking in this dream. Every step feels light. The heat from the sun warms his skin while the gentle breeze refreshes his body. He walks with no real objective, with little thought. 

And then sometime before he wakes, always just for the last few minutes of his dream, the sky darkens. The breeze turns cold and the sun disappears. Sounds begin to register in his mind and as his body begins shivering, Hajime’s vision starts blurring when light hits his eyes. 

He hears tires shrieking before his body gives out— that’s when Hajime always feels his body pulse with pain. Then he feels an unmistakable wave of fear and regrets as he loses control over his limbs, his mind now incapable of processing anything as the dream collapses around him.

The dream ends with the deafening sound of something cracking. 

-o-

His head hurts; that's the first thing he notices when he wakes up. 

The second is that he is all alone. 

That's all he can bring himself to think about for a while. His heart lies heavily with that feeling of loneliness. He looks up at the ceiling and all he can focus on is the wide room and how empty and quiet it is. He yearns for something, for someone, but thinking about it hurts. He can't bring himself to picture a familiar face but even so, he feels the absence of a body, any body.

Then, when the pain starts to slowly fade to something uncomfortable but tolerable, he finally catches the beeping sound of the machines around him. He thinks and then connects the sound to a hospital. He is in a hospital. That explains why he is in pain, but… what happened?

He opens his mouth and the dryness he expects isn't there. He shifts his body but regrets it immediately because everything starts to hurt. He tries turning back to his original position but his leg begins to burn and he feels something pulsing in his arm, something much more intolerable than his growing throbbing headache. 

A sound escapes his mouth, the pain forcing it out, but it sounds so desperate he finds himself closing his mouth shut with embarrassment. The machines start to make different sounds and Hajime tries staying still to keep the pain from spreading. Not a minute passes before he hears a door open and in a blink, someone is standing by his bedside. 

Wakatoshi. He recognizes his brother’s face and for some reason, he feels relief knowing that. Hajime takes in the concern on his brother’s face before he lets his eyes settle on his uncharacteristic dishevelled hair and wrinkled clothing. He lets his mouth part, thinking of something to say, but before he has the chance another figure enters his vision. 

The person moves to stand next to Wakatoshi and though Hajime doesn’t recognize his face, the stethoscope around his neck and the white robe he wears makes it clear he is a doctor. Hajime tries to move again, he wants to sit up but the moment he moves an inch, it’s like pins and needles. He winces and once again, the beeping changes. 

Wakatoshi moves, reaching out to give him a hand as he calls out for him to relax. Hajime feels relaxed but at his brother’s words, he notices his ragged breathing. He clenches his mouth shut to prevent any embarrassing sound from coming out, and with Wakatoshi’s help, he finally finds a comfortable position. 

His brother steps away and the doctor comes into view, a glass of water in his hands. Hajime moves his right hand and takes the offered glass. He drinks, too focused on the task as he hears the faint sounds of a conversation happening between his brother and the doctor. It hurts to try and listen, so he focuses on breathing and numbing out the pain he feels across his body. 

It's mostly his left side. From what he can see most of his body has bandages but it’s his left leg that has a cast and his left arm that’s tied with thicker bandages. He can move his toes and fingers so he is not too afraid about the damage. 

He remembers then, being awake a few hours ago. 

The doctor that is talking to his brother had been by his side. He said all his injures, though serious, with time, would be nothing but scars. 

A car accident. The doctor had explained. He was hit while crossing the street. He thinks back, trying to remember, but his mind is blank. It doesn’t hurt to try to think about it, he doesn’t feel that throbbing pain that he felt when he woke up, but the feeling of confusion and annoyance leaves a bad taste in his mouth. 

"Hajime." The voice of his brother echoes in his ear and he turns to face him. They've been calling his name for a while, he can tell by the way the doctor and Wakatoshi look at him with mild alarm. 

Pacing out, Hajime remembers the doctor said that would happen. 

"Can you talk?" Wakatoshi asks him. 

"Yes." He says after he clears his throat. "We talked earlier?" He tries to state but it sounds like a question. 

Wakatoshi gives him a look of surprise but he nods his head. The doctor moves, then and they both focus on him. "You remember yesterday’s conversation?" He asks. 

“Yes.”

“Do you remember what we talked about?”

“The accident,” Hajime replies, fragments of the conversation replaying in his head. "I got hit by a car," he offers, "I broke my leg," and he twisted his arm, "I'm okay?"

“Yes.” The doctor replies giving him a weary look. Hajime detects his accent, then and he remembers something else. 

“I'm in America.” 

“Yes.” The doctor replies but he is still looking at him expectingly. “Anything else?"

Wakatoshi moves to put a hand on his shoulder trying to offer comfort, he assumes, but the weight just adds to the pressure he now feels as they watch him. He thinks back, trying to remember what else he is missing. He begins to replay the conversation in his head in an attempt to catch every detail, flinching when an ache between his eyebrows begins to grow as he tries to concentrate. 

The doctor had been there and then Wakatoshi had walked in. They had talked in English for a bit and then they both turned to him and Wakatoshi had placed his hand on his shoulder as he did just now. The doctor had pulled out a clipboard to read out the details of his injuries. Hajime remembered already knowing that information even then. He told the doctor and so Wakatoshi had explained how he had been conscious in Tokyo when he first woke up. Their family doctor had been the one to explain the situation to him before they had requested him to go to the States for better treatment. 

It all came back to him then like he is remembering now, slowly but crystal clear. 

The first thing he feels, as the memories play in his head, is denial. Then everything becomes so clear and Hajime, like the previous times, feels a different kind of pain spread throughout his body. It's not physical. The pain he feels comes from his gut and settles on his chest. His breathing comes unevenly and he is almost choking like last time but he stops himself. He orders every muscle in his body to just stop and he tries to block his mind from thinking of anything as the pain begins to numb his chest. 

Wakatoshi tightens the grip he has on his shoulder and the doctor leans in closer, the worry clear before he glances at the table of medical tools in the far back of the room. Hajime knows he is eyeing the sedatives. 

"Hajime." His brother calls out but he ignores him, focusing solely on the doctor. 

"I hit my head." He tells the doctor and he feels his brother go rigid. "I hit my head and I was in a coma for..."

"Four weeks." The doctor concludes for him. Hajime nods, remembering feeling so out of place knowing that information. "And do you remember anything else?" The doctor asks and Hajime, with dread, thinks, yes. 

"I can’t—" Hajime’s throat clogs. He swallows and turns to look at Wakatoshi. "I can't remember things." He lets out and just like that, his eyes start watering and his breathing accelerates. “Wakatoshi,” he cries after a moment, "I can't remember." 

Wakatoshi moves to hug him and Hajime allows him to be pulled closer even though it hurts to move. Wakatoshi softly shushes him. “Breathe,” he says. “Just breathe and relax." But he can't. Hajime can't breathe because it’s coming back to him. The details of his amnesia. It's not just some things he can't remember. It’s not just a few things that are a blur. It’s years. 

Years of memories that have disappeared from his mind. He doesn’t even know what to search for. He doesn’t know what to picture. He is gasping for air and his eyes are tightly shut even though the tears keep spilling.

He wants to scream. He wants to demand answers. He wants Wakatoshi to stop asking him to relax and instead to fill in the void he feels slowly expanding in his heart. 

“It's going to be okay." His brother repeats countless times. 

At one point Hajime opens his eyes for just a second and he tries to collect his thought, tries thinking of something to say to reassure his brother— to at least attempt to see where hope might lie in this situation. But no words come to him and instead his eyes catch sight of the ring Wakatoshi wears on his ring finger and he momentarily freezes at the implication.

How is anything going to be okay if, no matter how hard he tries, Hajime can’t remember his own brother’s wedding?

-o-

Hajime has to stay in America for another month until his arm has healed and his leg is ready for therapy. His family doctor will be in charge of any medical procedure afterwards but for now, Doctor Suzaku is keeping him in the hospital to determine how severe and curable his amnesia is.

Hajime lets the days pass without much thought. 

Wakatoshi, who visits him often, is nothing but patient and kind. Their conversations are always light and mundane, something that doesn’t quite settle well with Hajime, but he does little to change that for any wrong word can trigger a void of thought. 

Careless talk can result in Hajime looking back at a blank screen that holds nothing but a suffocating feeling that clogs his throat and squeezes his heart leaving him at the brink of tears.

Dr. Suzaku asks him questions every day and when he can’t answer something he is back to feeling helpless and a step away from insanity. It is after a week that they tell Hajime they fear he has lost four to six years of his life. 

It’s strange because there are some things he remembers that aren’t too far dated. Dr. Suzaku asks him to think of memories involving different people and when he brings up the name of his best friend, Hajime has no trouble remembering the time he went to a carnival with Rintarou two years ago. He remembers eating a candy apple, remembers cutting himself with the sugar, remembers forcing Suna to buy him a few light sticks before they waited an hour to ride the Ferris wheel. 

Dr. Suzaku verifies the information Hajime gives before he concludes that maybe not all hope is lost. But then there isn’t much else he can remember that can be dated to a time within the past three years. When Koutarou’s name is mentioned Hajime can only remember his graduation, which the doctor claims happened five years ago. When Kita’s name is brought up, Hajime recalls him getting a haircut and dying his hair to match Koutarou’s and that apparently happened seven years ago, even though to him it feels like it’s only been a month.

Then the doctor mentions his stepmother and Hajime frowns before he recalls her calling him to remind him of an upcoming dinner in Thailand and Wakatoshi confirms their last family dinner there was four years ago. When his father is mentioned Hajime can only think of simple conversation and short meetups that they can’t exactly date. 

Dr. Suzaku seems to be losing hope as he marks things down on his clipboard. Then he turns the page and Hajime frowns when he mentions bringing up people that aren’t as close to him and— what about Kiyoomi, is Hajime’s first thought. Mom is his second. His hands curl into fists and he looks sideways towards his brother, knowing well he is the one who gave Dr. Suzaku the list of names. “What about my mother?” Hajime says and the doctor looks at him confused but Hajime doesn’t meet his eyes. 

Instead, he stares at Wakatoshi who stares back, face expressionless and shoulders tensed. They stare at each other and the silence stretches before Wakatoshi finally sighs and in the kindest voice he can muster, he explains her death. 

Cancer. She never told anyone. No treatment. She passed away five years ago.

Hajime is not surprised for some reason, but it still hurts. It hurts enough to bring tears back in his eyes. It hurts enough to feel his heart being ripped apart. Dr. Suzaku makes sense of it then, mumbling to Wakatoshi questions as his brother explains the details of their parent’s previous marriages and current relationship. When they are done talking, his doctor offers to resume the questioning later and leaves the room after offering Hajime some water. 

When they are alone, Wakatoshi doesn’t offer any words of comfort as Hajime continues to cry and somehow that makes things better. Because at least that hasn’t changed. At least Hajime remembers Wakatoshi being distant from his biological mother and that, as twisted as it makes Hajime feel, is of comfort. 

Nonetheless, the death of his mother is what ultimately helps Dr. Suzaku find a pattern. Pain, sadness, agony— memories tied down with these emotions are what Hajime finds the hardest to remember. Trauma. The Doctor uses that word a few times and Hajime can begin to understand. 

It still takes him a few days to recover from the news about his mother. It’s mainly hard because he is not satisfied with the last memory his mind can conjure. When Hajime closes his eyes, all he can see is his mother’s face with a gentle smile. He can picture her painting the walls of her apartment as she promises Hajime to set aside more time for him. 

It’s such a short memory. It tells him nothing about the date, the setting, the time— it tells him nothing about how she felt, if she was happy, if Hajime was doing enough for her, and… did he know? Wakatoshi claims no one knew, but did Hajime know about her cancer? What was the last thing they talked about? When was the last time they saw each other? 

Who’s going to answer these questions for him? Hajime can remember that his parents no longer talked. Wakatoshi never even properly met his mother, especially with Ushijima Arita by his ear always bad-mouthing her. He knows he never talked about his mother to any of his family. Not to Kita. Not to Koutarou. The only hope he has of getting some answers is possibly Rintarou and… Kiyoomi. 

Hajime’s insides turn at the thought of his boyfriend. 

It’s been almost a week since he has more or less come to terms with his situation. He no longer wakes up confused and disoriented. He knows about his accident and his amnesia without the need for his doctor to remind him when he opens his eyes. Hajime has also been spending much more time awake than sedated which means his mind has finally been given more time to think. 

The first time he thought of Kiyoomi was when Wakatoshi mentioned how worried everyone back home was. He didn’t say any names specifically and instead, he let Hajime ask about each person he remembered individually. Hajime remembers asking about his father and stepmother, about his grandfather and his uncles. Remembers asking about Kita and Koutarou. About the rest of their family. 

Then he finally gathered the courage to ask about Wakatoshi’s ring and its meaning. Shirofuku Yukie, Wakatoshi said and Hajime is surprised to find an image to match the name in his head. Yukippe, he remembers then as a memory of Koutarou introducing his school friend plays in his head. Wakatoshi married her six years ago. Hajime was his best man. They have a daughter.

Mina. Wakatoshi pulls out his phone and he shows Hajime pictures but no matter how hard Hajime tries, he can’t remember her. He can’t remember ever seeing her face, can’t remember ever holding her. Wakatoshi even shows him a picture of Hajime carrying a baby in his arms and he ends up completely sick in the stomach when nothing about the picture seems or feels familiar. 

He wants to throw up.

But instead, he holds his emotions in and lets Wakatoshi gush about his daughter. He takes in his brother’s smile and listens closely to his gentle tone to deduct that Wakatoshi is happy. He is happy with his marriage, even though Hajime suspects there might be a business benefit to it, and he is happy with his daughter, even though Wakatoshi explains how he doesn’t see her much, always busy with work. 

He mentions that Hajime used to often babysit and how he would sometimes take her for a day or two, letting her make a mess out of his apartment and Hajime once again thinks of Kiyoomi. Hajime doesn’t remember owning an apartment. He remembers living with his boyfriend. Remembers the modern furniture and the fragile decor— he remembers a place not fit for a kid. He then remembers Kiyoomi’s reserved behaviour, he thinks and thinks but no memory comes up in which Kiyoomi expresses openness to kids. Something doesn’t add up. 

And Wakatoshi never brings him up. In general, he offers little information to Hajime, as requested by Dr. Suzaku. Wakatoshi always waits for Hajime to ask, to gauge how much he knows, how much he can remember. It’s only on occasions that Wakatoshi will risk mentioning something that he is certain Hajime knows. 

He will talk about their grandfather without issue. He mentions Rintarou without hesitation. Kita and Koutarou are always safe topics. Wakatoshi even asks about dance and acting. Yet somehow… somehow Kiyoomi is never brought up. Never hinted. Hajime doesn’t even think Wakatoshi is keeping his name unmentioned intentionally but… 

Something just doesn’t add up.

And Hajime can’ bring himself to think about it. At least not until a few days later when Wakatoshi mentions Koutarou is offering to look after Hajime once he returns to Japan and Hajime can’t help it anymore. The lack of memories, lack of information, and the suffocating void in his chest overtake him and pushing his fears aside, he asks; “What about Kiyoomi?”

Wakatoshi doesn’t react like he did when Hajime mentioned his mother and Hajime instantly relaxes. Though as the seconds pass and Wakatoshi doesn’t offer any sort of response or reaction, Hajime starts to feel the fear creep in his heart. 

He visualizes Kiyoomi in the meantime. His mind draws a picture of how he last remembers him. Kiyoomi’s hair is shorter than usual, after a bad experience at a hairdresser. Hajime remembers kissing his forehead after hearing him complain, he remembers letting his fingers curl around his hair, gripping to pull him closer. Kiyoomi’s moles were always so distracting, always so beautiful, especially when Kiyoomi arched his eyebrow. Hajime can even hear his voice in his head, calling out his name, whispering love promises against his skin and for a second Hajime feels his body heat up. 

The feelings that creep in then almost drown him into oblivion. In an instant, Hajime’s chest begins pulsing with uncontrollable desire and affection. He yearns to see Kiyoomi. He yearns to hold his hand, to have him here. I love you. He can remember hearing Kiyoomi say, his eyes filled with affection, and Hajime will say it back, the words loaded with promises.

Why isn’t he here?

Where is he?

“What about him?” His brother eventually asks and Hajime, always so patient, feels like he is losing grip of the string keeping him from a breakdown.

“Can’t I stay with him?” Hajime asks and when Wakatoshi doesn’t reply he adds; “can’t I stay... in our apartment?” Because that’s where Hajime remembers living. That’s where home is. 

Right?

Wakatoshi stares at him for the longest time. He struggles to find the words to speak and for a second Hajime sympathizes with him. This must be hard. Being here, dealing with Hajime. Hajime hasn’t even stopped to consider what Wakatoshi must be feeling. 

His brother works harder than anyone. He has a wife, a kid, and yet he is here every day. He is here helping the doctor, he is here comforting Hajime, he is here trying to take some of the burdens from Hajime’s shoulders. 

This must be hard for him. It must be hard for him to see Hajime so broken. So lost. It must be hard wanting to talk about something, talk about an event only for Hajime to not have any recollection. At this point, Wakatoshi probably feels like he is talking to a stranger.

For the first time since he woke up, Hajime wonders who Wakatoshi sees when he looks at him. For the first time, Hajime starts to feel like he doesn’t belong here. 

Wakatoshi inhales, drawing Hajime’s attention. “You no longer live with Kiyoomi.” His brother says and the words echo in his head a few times before they solidify and rest heavily against his heart. 

You no longer live with Kiyoomi translates to, you are no longer with Kiyoomi. Their relationship has come to an end. It would explain his absence, the lack of mentions. Hajime closes his eyes for a second and tries pushing the memories of Kiyoomi in his arms away—it’s probably been years since that happened. 

“However, I’m sure he will help where he can,” Wakatoshi adds and Hajime almost lets himself cling to the olive branch offered to him. He searches his brother’s face, looking for a sign, for hope, for anything, but. 

Wakatoshi is not someone of many words, he doesn’t lie, doesn’t deceive. He doesn’t sugar coat. But Hajime has known him for years, he knows what the tight smile he wears means. He knows he is trying to keep Hajime from breaking down and he appreciates that. 

“So Kou will look after me?” Hajime inquires, deciding that keeping the conversation away from Kiyoomi is probably for the better.

His brother nods. “Alongside Keiji,” Wakatoshi adds like an afterthought and Hajime frowns, his eyebrows going up as Wakatoshi seems to freeze, his eyes growing wide enough to tell Hajime he hadn’t meant to speak those words. 

Keiji. Hajime thinks and his mind can’t conjure up an image. He can’t picture a face. Not a voice. Not a simple relation. Hajime runs the name through his head countless times and yet nothing comes to mind. And it hurts. It’s not the same pain he feels when it comes to his mother or Kiyoomi for that matter. Rather, Hajime feels his insides twits with a similar pain that comes when he thinks about Mina. 

It’s something that Hajime is starting to recognize as guilt.

“Who’s Keiji?” He asks even though he is afraid of the answer. He is afraid of hearing who Keiji is supposed to be to Hajime. Afraid that even once it’s explained to him, Hajime won't remember.

“Koutarou’s husband.”

I need to get used to this, Hajime thinks as the growing headache pulses in his head and his heart begins to churn with dejection while his mind can’t make sense of the words spoken to him. Koutarou is married. To a man.

Hajime swallows. “Was I there?” At the wedding. Wakatoshi nods. “I know... Keiji?” 

Hajime knows the answer so he doesn’t know why he asks. “Yes.” Wakatoshi states after a moment of silence. Then; “do you remember?”

Like a cold breeze, the question hits him. He feels goosebumps over his body, his face numbing as his muscles tense. His throat feels dry and Hajime thinks if he blinks, he might start crying. Unconsciously, he tilts his head down and once he realizes his position, he can’t help but let the shame he feels consume him. 

Do you remember? Hajime thinks he is going to be hearing that for the rest of his life. 

“No.” He finally chokes out. His breathing starts speeding up as he begins to feel silent tears trail down his cheeks. 

Hajime cries that night. 

He cries for Akaashi Keiji. For someone he apparently knows. Someone he has a friendship with. Someone Hajime doesn’t remember. 

He tries reaching out for something, anything in his mind that shows Koutarou standing next to a man by the altar but his mind is blank. He runs Wakatoshi’s words describing Keiji over and over again in his head, hoping that they will eventually make sense, hoping that they will form an image Hajime can cling onto.

But no matter how hard he tries, Hajime can’t form an image. When he thinks of Koutarou, the most he can remember is his girlfriends from high school, or his friends—Washio, Konoha, Komi— by his side. Hajime even remembers that Swedish boy that hung out with him a few times during his second year of University, probably a boyfriend rather than a friend. But he can’t remember Keiji. And that's. 

That’s something that eats at his heart and mind more than any thought of Kiyoomi or his mother. 

It’s not like Hajime doesn’t cry about them. His hands still shake when he thinks about his mother. And when it comes to Kiyoomi… he has questions. He has many questions and his heart still beats with feelings but— god, if Keiji were here, would he forgive Hajime for forgetting him? 

Hajime knows that perhaps beginning to feel guilty for his condition isn’t the brightest move, but somehow it comes to be like that. As the days pass, he begins to hate himself for not remembering. With every examination, with every session of questions, with every single reference to the past few years, his guilt grows. 

Some part of him wants to believe this is all a lie. That every time Dr. Suzaku reads out facts about Hajime, about the last five years, he is somehow making it up. It sure feels that way. 

Tell me about your jobs. Dr. Suzaku will say and Hajime can’t even begin to imagine himself working one job, let alone two. Not with how busy he is; trying to earn his degree. (But Hajime does have a degree. He did graduate. He works at an Arts school and a theatre but he has a degree in medicine.)

Tell me about your family, what can you remember? Hajime always thinks about his mother first, then he quickly remembers she passed away and forces his mind to clear out any image of her. He thinks about his father, his stepmother, his grandfather. He talks about how distant they are. But that’s not true? (Wakatoshi claims that Hajime talks more with his family than he did before. He claims that Hajime no longer avoids them.)

How is he supposed to believe that? His relationship with his father has been strained since his divorce. He has never gotten along with Wakatoshi’s mother, not with the way she treated his mother. And his grandfather— how does he even begin with Ushijima Shinzo? A headache always makes its way forward when Hajime begins thinking too deeply about him and Dr. Suzaku drops the topic. 

Either way, as the days pass, Hajime can’t remember much, his head hurts, and his heart drowns with guilt. It’s overwhelming. The expecting glances, the tentative sharing of information, the pitiful looks— It’s starting to suffocate him. 

-o-

Hajime can’t remember the accident.

He has yet to decide if that’s a good thing, though, for the time being, it’s comforting not having nightmares of getting run over. He also doesn’t think he has developed a fear of crossing streets, or cars in general so that surely must count for something. 

He does get curious, however. He looks at his arm that's wrapped in bandages and frowns at his leg when it begins to itch due to the cast and he can’t help but wish there was some way to see how the accident happened. How, regardless of his amnesia, his doctor believes he is set to make a full recovery. 

He shares this thought with Wakatoshi. His brother offers him a tight smile and Hajime knows that his faux positivism isn’t much comfort. There is no such thing as full recovery, regardless of my amnesia. Amnesia means brain damage. It means a permanent disability. It means possible future complications.

But he doesn’t want to think about that. Wakatoshi won't let him think about that. Instead, after a moment he leans closer and looks at Hajime with a thoughtful expression before explaining how more than a few people had witnessed his accident. Wakatoshi had heard the details from a handful of people himself, the police included once the court date for the driver’s trial was set. 

Hajime learns then that the driver of the vehicle had to pay a fine and is also serving six months of incarceration. He also lost his licence on the count of reckless driving. By Wakatoshi’s tone, it’s clear that he thinks the driver got off easy, and maybe he did, but Hajime is not concerned about that. 

Instead, he asks Wakatoshi to tell him the details and unfortunately, his brother is very vague about it, claiming he still needs to be cautious with the information he gives Hajime, as to not overwhelm him. 

Hajime was out with friends. He was at Rintarou’s ice cream shop (last Hajime recalls, that ice cream shop belonged to Rin’s parents but that must have changed), celebrating some sort of event. Hajime had gone out to help bring some stuff in. The car that hit him had come out of nowhere. The driver was speeding. 

Wakatoshi can’t answer Hajime when he asks if it was his fault or not. Did Hajime look both ways before crossing? Is this some sort of karma? Does he deserve this? 

Hajime’s eyes burn when he thinks too deeply about it. Wakatoshi barely has any answers for him and eventually, that’s not good enough. The guilt continues to grow and Hajime continues to entertain the idea that maybe this is somehow deserved. Then, it’s not long until he begins feeling like a ghost of a person. Like an imposter. 

He keeps those thoughts to himself. 

-o-

Wakatoshi, his doctor, and three nurses are the only people he sees for two weeks straight before Hajime has had enough and demands to contact his friend. Surely talking to Rintarou might help centre himself. Maybe even a short conversation with Koutarou? His father?

But the doctor doesn’t think it’s wise. It might be overwhelming, he says. They can’t risk any setbacks and Hajime is asked to wait. They are going to continue treating his amnesia with caution until his head is no longer swollen and the proper scans can be done to determine whether the damage is permanent or not. Hajime is not holding onto hope, and something tells him his doctor and Wakatoshi feel the same way.

But Hajime can do nothing but wait. He has to spend his days trying to fill in the blanks. He is trying to come to terms with the fact that he is twenty-nine years old and not twenty-four. He has to understand his cousin is married, his brother is married, they have families, they have lived five years and so has Hajime. 

Hajime has to come to terms that when he sees Kiyoomi, there won't be any love reflecting in his eyes. He won't be able to reach out to him. He won't be able to seek comfort from him. The place he called home won't be available to him and the only other person Hajime seeks for comfort, his mother, is no longer alive. 

There is also a part of him that knows there are other things he should be focusing on. But whenever he tries to follow a thought into the unknown a headache quickly starts. It gets worse when he persists and even attempts to focus on something specific—Mina, Keiji, his jobs. Sometimes Hajime thinks something familiar brews in his heart. Most times he spaces out, his mind going blank and Hajime has to deal with the feeling of falling into a void. 

Late at night, questions haunt him while he floats in that void. 

What were the last five years of Hajime’s life like? Who has he met? Who else has he lost? What does he do daily? What has he learned? How has he grown? The relationships he has... how are they going to work from now on? 

-o-

The air around him is always warm in the dream. Sometimes, along the walk, Hajime catches sight of a flock of birds. He thinks he hears their chirping. He thinks he might even hear a song. 

Hajime’s eyes always trail after them, sometimes until the sky begins to darken and the song is interrupted by a piercing sound that rings in his head, louder than that reoccurring cracking sound. 

The touch of the air significantly chills by then.

-o-

When Hajime is discharged from the hospital, Wakatoshi is called for an important meeting in New York. Hajime hears him shouting into his phone, pacing back and forward outside his hospital room, and though these past few weeks have been all about what he can’t remember; Wakatoshi being tied to his job is something Hajime understands and knows well. There isn’t a time when Wakatoshi has put something above his job. 

He is not surprised when his brother comes in moments later and regretfully admits he won't be able to fly back to Japan with him. 

It’s fine. Hajime tells him and means it. If this had been another time, another life —a life in where Hajime hadn’t gotten the last five years of his life stolen, a life in where Hajime could find a reason to guilt Wakatoshi for abandoning him at such a crucial time— then maybe Hajime would have been upset. 

Right now, however, guilt eats at him every day. He grows to hate himself as he continues to disappoint everyone around him with every blank memory. He has been nothing but a burden these last few weeks, he is not going to demand Wakatoshi to stay by his side. 

Even if he is scared. Even if the thought of going to Japan, to the life he has, terrifies him. Even if his lungs can barely keep up with the little oxygen Hajime often feeds them, or his heart can keep beating with the pressure of the emotions he harbours.

It’s fine. He assures his brother and spends the entire flight regretting his words.

There is a nurse by his side, in charge of moderating Hajime’s blood pressure and of transporting him around the airport. With his leg still in a cast and his arm in a brace, a wheelchair is requested for him even though Hajime rather use his crutches. 

The whole flight is draining and dreadful. He spends his time thinking about what waits for him, about the people he will see; how they will react, what they will think, what they will expect. Sometime during the landing, Hajime even entertains the possibility of running away. 

He doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. He doesn’t want to pretend. Surely… he won't be missed? After all, the Hajime everyone knew is gone. How can Hajime claim to be him with that void in his head?

He kills those thoughts when his eyes begin to feel heavy and instead focuses on the nurse and her instructions as they finally step foot in Japan. The nurse looks after all the paperwork and collecting his baggage with the help of some of the airport officials. As requested by Hajime, she also rents a car to drive him over to Koutarou’s place. (Something about his cousin picking him up didn’t sit well with him. Guilt. A traitorous voice whispers in his head. Shame.) 

The drive to Koutarou’s place isn’t long and before he knows it, the nurse is parking the car and before Hajime can even unlock his seat belt, Koutarou is there, swinging open the passenger seat door with wide eyes. “Hajime!” Bokuto greets with a smile and Hajime almost cries as he takes in the familiar yet unfamiliar face of his cousin.

He’s changed. He’s grown. 

Yet his hair is much the same. The clear emotion on his face is never changing. His voice is still bright and enthusiastic. The hug he gives Hajime is one that grabs his heart and pulls. Hajime’s eyes instantly water as he tries his best to return the gesture with one arm wrapped in a sling.

“Kou.” He eventually chokes out, a chuckle following soon after as he is overwhelmed with a bit of happiness the familiarity of his cousin’s hold brings him. 

“Hey, hey, hey!” Koutarou laughs, helping Hajime out of the car. The nurse is already standing there with the wheelchair ready for Hajime but Koutarou waves her off. “I’ll help him up, the building doesn’t have an elevator.”

The nurse frowns and starts opposing but Koutarou doesn’t listen and Hajime has to smile apologetically as his cousin uses his familiar strength to guide Hajime to his apartment. “We moved in just a few days ago,” Koutarou says on the way. “So the neighbours aren’t used to us yet, so expect some weird glances.” 

Hajime considers studying those words but figures it will only add stress to his already beating heart as they approach Koutarou’s apartment door. “We are only on the second floor so it shouldn’t be too hard for you— do you need the wheelchair for much longer?”

“I have crutches.” Hajime offers, letting Koutarou help him up the stairs. “Though my arm is still a bit bruised.” 

Koutarou nods along before he begins asking Hajime questions about his leg and his overall wellbeing. Hajime retells him what the doctor told him even though he is sure Koutarou already heard from Wakatoshi the full details of his condition. 

However, the conversation relaxes Hajime. When Koutarou is pushing the door to his apartment open, Hajime almost forgets why he was even nervous in the first place. Though that quickly changes when Hajime’s eyes land on the waiting figure that stands nervously a bit further away from the entrance door. 

Hajime stills and almost stumbles forward but Koutarou’s arms keep him steady. The man takes a step forward, concern in his eyes before he stops and visibly holds his breath. Hajime feels himself doing the same as he takes in every detail of the stranger in front of him. 

The thing is, Wakatoshi showed him a picture the day before his flight. “Dr. Suzaku thinks you should go prepared, to avoid shock and further damage to your brain.” Keiji. Hajime remembers thinking as his eyes took in every detail of the man standing by Koutarou’s side. I’m sorry.

Shock. That's not something Hajime feels. Despair? Guilt? Confusion? That sounds more fitting. And it's not his brain he is concerned for. After all, it’s his heart that twists uncomfortably. 

“Iwaizumi-san.” The stranger finally speaks and Hajime’s last hope of at least recognizing his voice crumbles to pieces. “It’s good to see you.”

Hajime breathes in, his hold on Koutarou tightening. I’m sorry. He wants to say to both Keiji and Koutarou, but the words don’t come out and instead after a moment; “Thank you,” he utters. “For having me. For offering your home uh...” Hajime wants to cry. “Keiji. I. I’m— you know but—”

“Wakatoshi-san has explained,” Keiji says. “I’m sorry, I should have— sorry. I’m. Keiji. Akaashi— Bokuto Keiji. I—”

“Hey!” Koutarou interrupts, walking forward and thus taking Hajime with him as they go further into the apartment. “We are okay, yeah?” He says as they come to a stop in front of Keiji. Hajime doesn’t miss how one of his hands reach out to grab his husband’s shaking hand. “We are going to be okay!” His fingers tickle Hajime’s side. “And we just want you to feel comfortable here.” 

Keiji offers him a smile and Hajime doesn’t recognize anything but at least he can read the honesty behind the gesture. “I’m always comfortable with you,” Hajime says, the words tickling his tongue. “I’m in your care.” He adds, eyes on Keiji.

Koutarou nods furiously, going on about how Hajime has nothing to worry about while Keiji fights back a sob. Hajime feels the guilt come his way then but then Koutarou’s husband is offering him a comforting smile that settles his doubts. 

Keiji, for his part, handles the situation extremely well. At least he handles everything exceeding Hajime’s expectation which upon reflection, Hajime is not sure he can explain them. He just knows that though things are awkward and tense at the start, by the end of the night when the three of them sit together to enjoy a meal together, Hajime doesn’t feel as excluded or left out as he thought he would feel. 

There is a lot his mind can’t grasp, a lot that leaves him uncomfortable in his skin. (The pictures of their wedding around their apartment. The way they work well together. How Koutarou moves in sync with Keiji and vice versa. How Keiji knows how Hajime likes his tea) But Koutarou and Keiji smile at each other in a way that screams trust and love and that seems to be enough to ease Hajime’s concerns. 

He talks to them as if nothing is wrong. He smiles at Keiji as if they’ve known each other for years. They don’t bring up his amnesia. Hajime avoids topics that will even hit at his lack of memory. Overall, Hajime is fine. Everything is fine. 

"Why did you marry him, Keiji?” Hajime ends up joking because the conversation is light enough, ”you deserve much better." Keiji is bright and kind and thoughtful. He is careful in his words and manners. He is a warm breeze on a cold night. He makes his cousin smile wider than Hajime has ever seen. 

Koutarou whines from beside him, bumping Hajime’s elbow as Keiji and he laugh at his expense. "I'm glad you still think so.” Keiji will eventually say before Koutarou lets out another whine and complains about being teased after cooking for them. Keiji is drawn by his booming voice and for a second they both get lost in each other’s eyes. 

They don’t notice the way Hajime’s smile falters.

-o-

The grass in the dream is always green in colour, though there are times Hajime catches red and yellow spots. It takes him a while to recognize the flowers but once he does, he can’t help but notice how they wither when his vision blurs due to the blinding headlights. 

-o-

The day after, Hajime meets Hanamaki Takahiro and for the first time since he woke up from his coma, Hajime feels a semblance of normality.

Hanamaki is his physiotherapist. The nurse that took care of him from California to Koutarou’s apartment is the one to introduce him. She mentions his name first after a small conversation before she left Hajime in Koutarou’s care last night. Hanamaki is fresh from school but has a well-established reputation since his father owns one of the most prestigious clinics in Tokyo. 

He is Hajime’s age but he studied in a university in Miyagi rather than Tokyo, which means there is no way Hajime knows him, even if they studied the same subject. His father is also not Hajime’s family doctor but rather a close friend that according to Wakatoshi and Koutarou, he has never met. That thought puts him at ease as well as the nurse’s assurance that most of the people that will be looking after Hajime are new to the clinic, so they won't overwhelm him. 

True to her words, from the moment he enters the clinic until he leaves, every person that talks to him introduce themselves and don’t expect Hajime to know them beforehand. Their eyes don’t hold expectations and much less pity. Everyone is mostly professional and though that had been the case back in America, here it feels more natural.

Hanamaki Takahiro, for his part, is hardly that much of a professional. 

“Iwaizumi-san,” he greets with a smirk, “don't worry, I’ll get you back on your meaty legs in no time.” The glance over he gives Hajime is very obvious and very embarrassing for the doctor and his nurse that stand in the room with them. Hajime, surprisingly, finds himself laughing. 

“Takahiro.” The doctor, Dr. Hiko, scolds him from the side but Hanamaki pays him no mind. 

“Though I can’t promise you won't need to put in work.” He licks his lips. “I’ll make you work, alright.” Hanamaki has a quick tongue and a problem with filtering his words. He grins and smirks most of the time though the resting expression he wears is much more appealing. His pink hair suits him well but Hajime thinks he best not mention that out loud any time soon. 

Instead, he extends his hand and though Hanamaki is at first surprised, he meets Hajime halfway for the handshake. “You can call me Hajime, Hanamaki-san.”

“Well then, Hajime-kun,” Hanamaki says after a slight groan from Dr. Hiko. “Takahiro is just fine.”

Hajime returns the smile before the doctor clears his throat and he is once again forced to listen to a summary of his injury and how they will treat it. Hajime is bored within seconds and thankfully his nurse, Karin, takes notice of that. She interrupts Dr. Hiko to inform him that she has other information she needs to share with him about Hajime’s other condition. 

Hajime would frown at her choice of word but Karin has been patient and kind these past few days so he lets it go. Instead, he takes the chance to mention his interest in starting physiotherapy right away and Takahiro is quick to grab hold of his wheelchair and drag him away. 

“Two weeks,” Takahiro promises once he has taken a proper look at his leg. “Since the bone is mostly healed, it’s just the muscles we have to work with. That’s shouldn’t be too hard, especially with your background in myology.” Hajime stills for a second, caught off guard. Takahiro notices and frowns. “At least, that’s what Ushijima-sama told my father.”

Hajime nearly chokes. “Sama? Please don’t call my step-mother that.”

Takahiro laughs. “Sorry, a force of habit.” 

“I did study myology, amongst other things.” Hajime then clarifies. “Sorry, I just thought…” that maybe you knew me. That maybe I’ve met you before. That maybe you are someone else I forgot.

“Myology was a pain.” Takahiro picks up the conversation and Hajime feels himself relax as he tells his head over and over again that there is nothing to worry about. Right now, in front of Takahiro, he doesn’t have to be someone he doesn’t remember being. 

They talk for almost half an hour before Takahiro finally guides him through some stretches. Then, right before Karin comes to collect him, he sits with Takahiro and plans a schedule that will work best for him. 

Takahiro offers to go to him for most of their meetings but Hajime doesn’t want to impose on Keiji and Koutarou so he insists to have most sessions in the clinic. Takahiro agrees but forces Hajime to agree to at least two days a week of at-home exercises since it will do Hajime good to limit his time on crutches, especially when the exercises strain and exhaust his muscles. Takahiro also gives him a diet to follow and a few tips for day to day tasks, all of which Hajime has heard from Karin and Dr. Suzaku before. 

At the end of the meeting Takahiro even offers his phone number in a piece of paper, reminding Hajime that he is getting paid good money to look after him so; “please call me or text me if you need anything, I’m quite literally here for your beck and call.” Hajime finds humour in those words and takes the number before remembering he doesn’t have a phone at the moment. 

“Then buy one.” Takahiro deadpans when Hajime mentions this out loud. “Surely you can afford one.”

“Takahiro.” Dr. Hiko growls while Hajime rolls his eyes, bemused. Takahiro is a refreshing change. One that at the moment, Hajime is more than eager to welcome. 

He convinces Karin to drive them to a store before driving them back to Koutarou’s place. He ends up picking the latest iPhone model while wondering what happened to his previous phone. It isn’t until he is home that Hajime realizes it doesn’t matter since he can always just transfer whatever he had on his previous phone to the new one. 

Koutarou and Keiji aren’t home so he has to go on a slight mission to look for the internet router to finally connect to the wifi to back up his phone. It takes him almost an hour until he finally gets ready to set up his account and the screen is prompting him to log into his ‘iCloud’ account. Hajime uses the only email he has and thankfully manages to remember the password. It takes a second to load before a new screen pops up. 

Do you wish to back up Apps & Data from an existing iCloud account? 

For some reason, Hajime finds himself hovering his fingers over the screen, unsure of what to do next. There is a trail of thoughts lingering in the back of his head that Hajime is sure will bring more problems and confusion than anything else, and he almost throws his phone out of irritation.

The only reason he doesn’t is because Kita enters the apartment before something inside him snaps.

Hajime feels his mouth fall open when he catches sight of his cousin. Then, much like how a flood of emotions coursed through him when he first saw Koutarou, Hajime feels his inside twirl as he takes in the familiar yet unfamiliar sight of Kita Shinsuke. 

“Hajime.” Kita greets, locking the door behind him before taking off his shoes and setting them aside as he grabs a pair of slippers from the cupboard Koutarou and Keiji have by the entrance door. 

Hajime feels like the air around him is drying out. “Kita.” He says and when Kita gives him a weary look, “Shinsuke.” He tries.

Kita sighs. “You still only call my Shinsuke around our parents.” 

Well. That's.

Okay?

Hajime doesn’t say anything as Kita makes his way closer to him though he manages to pull off a reassuring smile when Kita stands just above his sitting figure. “It’s good to see you.” His cousin says before bending down to pull Hajime in for a hug. 

It’s not like Hajime has never hugged his cousin. It’s just rare. Rare enough that his heart skips a beat and his mind goes haywire as he tries to remember the last time Kita hugged him. Surprisingly, a scene plays in Hajime’s head. He is in Kita’s bar, resting his head against Kita’s chest while his cousin ruffles his hair. 

That memory feels recent. “A year or so, give or take,” Kita says once Hajime voices his thoughts. There is a smile on his face though his eyes seem to hold something else. Something that screams caution, stay away. “Wakatoshi mentioned you do have a few memories from the previous years.”

“Hardly enough to reassure my doctor it could get any better,” Hajime remarks.

“It will get better.” His cousin assures, a hand reaching over to move the bit of hair that covers Hajime’s eyes. “You need a haircut.” Kita states and just like that they fall into a long conversation about mindless things. It’s refreshing even though a part of Hajime still feels like he is walking on eggshells. 

Kita keeps the conversation light, though unlike Wakatoshi, he doesn’t wait for Hajime to bring up the topics. Instead, he has no problem saying things that could trigger some sort of headache for Hajime— though, by the way he talks and how calculated it all feels, Hajime can’t help but think it was all rehearsed and that maybe Kita had a long talk with one of his doctors beforehand.

Either way, they talk about Hajime’s jobs and how he will, for obvious reasons, no longer be working as a teacher. He can return to the theatre if he chooses to, but that will have to wait until his leg is fully healed. Hajime gets curious as to why he ended up working as a teacher instead of pursuing something with his medical degree and Kita is honest in admitting he is not privy to that information. 

Instead, he does offer Hajime an option to pursue something in the medical field. He talks about a lab opening up and how Hajime easily meets the requirements. If he is interested, Kita can put in a good word; though Hajime would have to pass a few tests to get in. 

The idea originally scares him. He starts to doubt whether he is as qualified as Kita claims, or if his amnesia will render him useless. But as they continue to talk about medicine, Hajime finds himself feeling confident with the knowledge he is supposed to hold. For some reason, even though he doesn’t remember the last few years of school and much less his graduation, Hajime thinks that he won't have a problem keeping up. 

Maybe it’s because Kita seems so sure of him. Maybe it’s because even though his mind can’t remember, his body might. 

“You weren’t doing anything with your degree but you never really lost your love for what you studied.” His cousin affirms, his smile gentle.

Hajime lets his words comfort him and makes up his mind. After all, in two weeks he is going to be walking around so he is hardly going to have an excuse to sit around and let life continue to move forward without him.

Apart from career topics, Kita also indulges Hajime with some stories of their family from the last few years and Hajime is honestly thankful. There is a part of him getting overwhelmed with all the information but because Kita talks about people Hajime remembers, there is not much of a strain in his head. The memories he speaks of are foreign to Hajime but they aren’t hard to imagine. 

It’s like a false sense of familiarity that eventually begins to add weight to the rock of guilt that sits in his gut.  

Hajime switches the topic by inquiring more details of Kita’s life since his cousin hardly said much about himself. “I’m still looking after my bar and I’ve opened a small shop, to sell tailored suits.” Hajime has a vague memory of Kita working as a tailor in his early twenties. “Though you often visit my bar more than my tailor shop.”

Hajime wonders if he is joking, unsure of what the smile he wears means. He swallows, his mind getting ready to take him down another line of doubt and insecurity. “How is Kiyoko?” Hajime finds himself asking, the words escaping his mouth before he can think them over. Kita gives him a concerned look. “I mean, I know you two broke up but did you...”

“I haven’t heard from her in years,” Kita explains, now looking at Hajime with caution. Kiyoko was his girlfriend from high school. Hajime remembers they broke up sometime during Hajime’s first year of university. Something about them not having feelings for each other. That and— 

Rintarou. Hajime thinks of his best friend and suddenly memories flash through his head. He wants to ask, but he doesn’t think he should. Wakatoshi never mentioned anything and considering how often he spoke of Rintarou and Kita…“So you aren’t seeing anyone?” You aren’t married? And what about...

“No,” Kita responds. “I am not.”

A second passes. Then another. 

Hajime wants to ask. “I always thought you and Rin…” He trails off, noticing how quickly Kita tenses. 

Silence covers them as they both get lost in their thoughts. Kita is the first to break it. “Do you... do you remember spending New Year’s with me?” He asks without meeting Hajime’s gaze.

What year? Is his first thought and before he can voice the question, his mind is drawing up the memory. “We spent New Year’s Eve together.” Hajime finds himself saying, taking in the sight of Kita’s current hairstyle and how easily it matches the memory playing in his head. “You wanted to try making a turkey. Koutarou had a trip with his friends to Korea and Wakatoshi and Yukie...” Hajime inhales, something clicking in place. “They were celebrating their anniversary. Mina was with us.” 

“Yes,” Kita says, probably as surprised as Hajime.

“You burned the gravy,” Hajime adds. “Twice.” Kita chuckles, his smile fond. Hajime himself can feel the smile on his face grow as the memory continues to play in his head. He sees himself and Kita, four—no, three years ago, together, cooking while Mina… Mina is small and loud. She is always crying. “You kept making Mina cry and she got gravy all over your favourite plant.” Hajime grins and then he thinks of something else and his smile falters. “You… you told me about your feelings.”

“For Rintarou,” Kita admits, almost like a whisper. “Yes. You remember, then?” He asks and Hajime sucks in a breath of air. “You weren’t happy.”

“That’s not...” Hajime tries denying the accusation but it seems that his mind has done enough work for the day. Nothing else plays in his head as Kita’s words echo in his head. You weren’t happy. He doesn’t remember why but something inside him tells him Kita is right. Even now, as he thinks about it, something doesn’t sit right with him. “I can’t really...”

“You never said it out front,” Kita continues and Hajime is starting to detect the hurt in his voice. “But I assume it’s because you aren’t too fond of me.”

“Shinsuke.” 

“At least, not with your friend in mind,” Kita concludes and after a long second, he finally meets Hajime’s eyes and smiles. “But you were right, Hajime.”

Kita drops the topic before Hajime can think of something to say. For the remainder of his visit, Kita refuses to let Hajime bring Rintarou back into the conversation. Eventually, Koutarou and Keiji come home and Kita makes his escape after a short conversation with his brother.

Hajime falls asleep with a sour taste in his mouth that night after he rejects the option of backing up his iPhone and instead chooses to start a new account. 

-o-

Hajime doesn’t have the heart to bring it up with Rintarou. Especially when he doesn’t know what he knows. Also, he hardly wants to bring up such a heavy topic in the little time he has to see his best friend. 

Once his phone is working Hajime is quick to get the contact information of all his family and relatives. He gets Rintarou’s number from Keiji who is surprised to see him with a new phone. Hajime admits not knowing what happened to his old one and Keiji gets a lost look on his face for a second before mumbling something along the lines of him probably breaking it during the accident. 

Keiji also asks whether he backed up his phone with the previous data and Hajime worries about the strain on his voice before telling him the truth about deciding to start anew since he doesn’t want to overwhelm his brain. (Well, half the truth. He doesn’t want to overwhelm his brain, yes, but he also doesn’t want to open a gate for more confusion and frustration. He doesn’t want to have the same phone as that Hajime— the Hajime before the car accident, the Hajime that’s not him.)

Keiji nods along and gives him Rintarou’s number before inquiring whether he has heard from him this entire time. Hajime admits then that Wakatoshi had let him text Rintarou for a few minutes back in America, regardless of his doctor’s orders and that he had told Rintarou he would reach out when he is back in Japan and ready to see him. 

When Hajime texts Rintarou a simple: Hey, It’s Hajime, he immediately gets a call in return and Keiji laughs from beside him before excusing himself so that he can have some privacy. Hajime takes a second to collect himself before he answers the call.

“Hajime.” Rin’s voice filters through the device and Hajime feels content at the familiarity of his tone. “This is you, right?” Hajime wants to laugh at the question. Especially because the first thing he thinks is: no, it’s not me. I’m not who you remember, but Hajime has enough sense to know what Rintarou is asking so he laughs, confirming who he is before Rintarou is throwing him a million questions. “When did you get back? Where are you? Can we see each other? How do you feel?”

“Relax,” Hajime stresses, amused. “I’m fine. I want to see you.”

“I’ll come over.” Rin immediately responds before groaning. “Wait, I can’t. I’m closing tonight. What’s your bedtime? I’ll come tonight.”

“I’m saying with Kou and Keiji,” Hajime says, “I don’t think they would appreciate the noise late at night.”

“Keiji loves me.” Rintarou says and before Hajime can start thinking about how his best friend knows Keiji, of how Hajime wasn’t aware of that and how now that he knows, he can’t remember, Rin adds; “Then tomorrow morning?”

Hajime has a session with Takahiro so instead; “when’s your break? Why don’t I come by the ice cream shop?” A pause. “It’s your parent’s shop, right?

Rintarou stays silent for a second and because Hajime can’t see his face, he doesn’t know how to interpenetrate that. He chooses to stay silent until Rin offers a response. “You want to come? Here?” 

Hajime catches the worry in his tone but he can’t decipher why it’s there. “Yes. Is that okay?”

Rintarou’s voice is soft. “Yeah.” 

Hajime hangs up shortly after that. He gets a time from Rintarou and an offer to pick him up but Hajime declines the offer, thinking of just calling a cab. When Koutarou hears of his plan however he offers to drive him there, his smile reassuring but something in his eyes showcasing some sort of restrain. It’s all too weird for Hajime to think about it. 

Instead, he worries a lot about how his meeting with his best friend is going to play out. Will it be like seeing Koutarou and Kita? Like seeing something familiar but foreign at the same time? Thoughts of Rintarou never cause him a headache and so far, knowing that even after all these years they are still close, Rin has been a light in a dark tunnel. 

Regardless of what fears he might carry, Hajime goes to meet his best friend with excitement.

Rintarou hasn’t changed from the last memory Hajime has of him. It’s not the carnival memory but rather a mundane memory of them eating ice cream here. Rintarou’s build is much the same as what Hajime sees now and the shop seems identical as well. He keeps that observation to himself and chooses to comment on Rintarou’s long hair before his friend engulfs him in a hug, careful of the crutches Hajime holds. 

There are just a few customers in the shop alongside an employee that brings out two ice cream bowls for them while they find a seat in a far corner of the shop. Rintarou helps him place his crutches to his side before he starts bombarding him with questions about his leg. 

Hajime gives him a little run down of his injury before talking about Takahiro. He mentions him mostly to see if Rintarou recognizes his name but is thankful when Rin barely even picks up on his last name and makes a comment about Hajime’s family doctor.

The conversation then turns to Hajime’s stay in California and Rintarou tries to apologize for not being there. Hajime waves him off, already having heard a similar apology from Koutarou and Kita. Wakatoshi warned him they would try something like that, but it was crucial to have little contact with relatives during his recovery in America, especially since they were dealing with a severe brain injury. Even if Rintarou could have afforded a few days off from work, he would have hardly been able to keep Hajime company in the hospital. 

He explains all this to his friend but Hajime knows that by the look in his eyes he is not reassured. Rintarou frowns and looks away, his mind probably trying to organize his thoughts so he can argue with Hajime about the importance of solidarity but Hajime doesn’t give him the chance. 

He takes control of the conversation by asking Rintarou to give him a proper rundown of his life from these past five years. He hesitates for a second, asking Hajime if it's ‘wise’ while he gestures at Hajime’s head. Hajime then frowns and tells him he knows Wakatoshi must have called him to tell him exactly what he should say around him so to: “just drop the act and tell me what you can.”

Rintarou laughs, glancing at his phone to check the time before sighing in defeat. He mostly talks about his own life. Rintarou updates him on how the last five or so years have been for him and Hajime is pleased that his words don’t cause turmoil in his head, even though some of the things he says fly right over his head since he can’t make sense of them. 

But amongst all the talk about worldwide events, work, developments in personal aspects, and overall achievements, Rintarou doesn’t mention Kita unless it’s in the collective mention of Hajime’s family. Instead, surprisingly sometime during Rin’s talk about trips, he lets a name slip. Samu. 

Hajime blinks and almost swallows down his ice cream down the wrong tube. Rin, for his part, doesn’t notice and continues to talk about a small trip to America just a few months ago and visiting so many restaurants because ‘all Osamu does is eat’, and Hajime feels his throat dry, the name sounding so familiar but his mind can’t exactly pinpoint how. But before Hajime can gather up the courage and energy to ask, Rintarou is already talking about working out and looking after his health because he has become a bit of a glutton these past few months. 

It’s then that he mentions volleyball and at least having the tournament as a reason to stay active during the week. Hajime thinks back to high school and how Rintarou and he both played volleyball for three years, even going to nationals at one point and a new wave of nostalgia journeys through him. He plays the memories in his head while Rin goes on about the current volleyball team he is a part of and about the competition that took them forever to sign up for because of their messy schedules. 

Rintarou explains how they have a good team and how they are basically on a winning streak. It’s nothing like high school in the sense that it’s not just a club outside of classes. But it’s still just as fun. Our friends make things interesting. Rintarou ends up admitting and Hajime has to blink as the words hit him with an unexpected force. 

Friends. 

Hajime thinks about what he knows about his accident then and makes the connection. “You were at Rintarou’s ice cream shop." Wakatoshi had said.“Celebrating with friends.” Hajime now understands why Rintarou had been so concerned over Hajime’s suggestion of meeting at the ice cream shop. He now understands why Koutarou had been so nervous the entire drive over. Hajime swallows and dares to ask. 

He doesn’t remember how exactly he worded it. All he knows is that he manages to get the words accident, how, and tell me, out. Rintarou looks torn for a long moment and Hajime waits patiently even though with every second that passes his dread increases.

“I didn’t watch it happen,” Rintarou eventually utters, voice meek. ”But I heard... you flew over the windshield.” Rin’s eyes are on the table where he plays with his fingers. "You landed on your head. I— I didn’t know what to do. You were on the floor and Koutarou— Koutarou was helping the driver out of his car.” Koutarou was there? Hajime thinks, hurt that his cousin never mentioned it. “Keiji… I think he called the ambulance and you— you looked lifeless. No one could even come close to you. I’m sorry.” Rintarou looks dejected, completely defeated. It makes Hajime’s guilt increase tenfold. “I just feel like I should have—”

“Rin.” Hajime cuts him off, extending his hand to place it over his shoulder. “It’s okay. I’m okay.” 

Rintarou looks up. “I know.” He chokes out and Hajime tightens his grip on his shoulder when he notices the tears gathering in his eyes. “I’m thankful.”

Hajime hums and gives his friend a few minutes to collect himself. During that time Hajime fights with every fibre in his body for control over his beating heart. Rin’s words play in his head and his mind dares to seek out images that can match up to the event, but he finds nothing. Hajime can’t see anything. He bites his lip and breathes in deeply, not now, he thinks and then chooses to ask Rintarou more about their—his friends.

“A few brats,” Rintarou mentions. “But they are good people.” He doesn’t mention any names and Hajime doesn’t have the energy to ask. 

Rintarou spends the remainder of their meeting telling Hajime about the theatre. He mentions how they both came across it a few years ago and how Rintarou’s desire to sing and Hajime’s passion for dance had eventually driven them to volunteer. “We have fun,” Rin tells him, his voice light and full of fond memories. Hajime can’t remember any of it but his friend’s words are reassuring and so he promises Rintarou to think about coming back. 

By the time Koutarou is back to pick him up, approximately an hour after dropping him off, Rintarou is back to joking around, the conversation about the accident long forgotten. Hajime ends up promising more visits and Rintarou insists on Hajime letting him come to see him, claiming that: “Keiji does love me, we bond over junk food.”

“They really do,” Koutarou confirms on their drive back home. “Rin has Keiji as a regular customer and there is always a tub of his ice cream in our freezer.” 

Hajime nods along, though he is not tuned in on the conversation. Instead, questions torment him the entire drive and by the time they reach the apartment, Hajime feels like his chest is about to explode with the burden of not knowing. 

By the time Koutarou turns off the car, a small headache is developing from the side of his head. Regardless, Hajime asks; “You witnessed my accident?”

Koutarou instantly tenses the smile on his face fading as his eyes widen and he turns to face Hajime. “Wha…” he swallows. Hajime’s head pulses as he opens and closes his mouth a few times “Yeah. I did.” He finally admits, leaning back into his seat.

The lights in the car go off and they both sit in silence for a minute. Then, cautiously, Koutarou begins to talk. 

Unlike Rintarou, Koutarou witnessed the moment Hajime got hit. It’s a bit heartbreaking hearing his cousin talk about how helpless he felt as he watched time slow down while a car struck Hajime, sending him flying. Koutarou also watched as his limp body hit the floor, head first. 

“I couldn’t move,” Koutarou admits. “My hands were shaking and I just… I froze.” He didn’t move until Keiji pushed him forward, taking the lead as he ran to check on the driver because people were already looking after Hajime. “Keiji ordered me to help the driver out while he called an ambulance. You— no one could touch you.” He pauses then, his mouth parted as if he is ready to admit something but nothing comes and eventually Koutarou just ends up explaining how quickly the ambulance came and how quickly they took him. 

“I didn’t go see you until the next day.” His cousin then adds, his words submerged with guilt. “I was scared.” 

It’s okay. Hajime tells him, trying to understand how shaken Koutarou had to be to fear visiting Hajime in the hospital. It must have been a horrible experience, Hajime thinks, not liking the way sadness swims in Koutarou’s eyes, or the way his gaze suddenly shows uncertainty as he watches Hajime with so much regret and defeat.

He wonders then if Koutarou is reliving the accident and can’t help the rush of guilt that hits him at the thought. For the first time, Hajime is thankful for the lack of memories. Then just as quickly, not for the first time, Hajime feels the void in his head expand while he dreams of a world in which this never happened. 

-o-

Hajime stays clear of heavy conversations for the next two days. 

He does his sessions with Takahiro and goes to get a head scan to monitor the healing processes. Hajime has to act interested as Dr. Hiko explains what the diagram he shows means. He nods along and hums with every word, though Dr. Hiko doesn’t say anything about his amnesia and the possibilities of curing it. 

The last he heard from Dr. Suzaku is that within time, and once the swelling completely heals, maybe Hajime will start remembering things slowly. Maybe certain pictures and images or even objects and people can eventually trigger a part of his brain that can unlock memories Hajime feels are long gone. 

If he is being honest with himself, as the days pass Hajime loses hope. 

He doesn’t voice it, of course. Not with the way Koutarou acts so confident that he will eventually remember everything. Not with the way that Keiji refuses to act hurt every time Hajime looks at him at a loss of familiarity. Even just talking to Rintarou once and texting him a few times is enough to discourage him from ever saying the words; I don’t think I’ll get better. 

Takahiro is the only one he thinks he might be able to share that information with. If he is honest, as the days pass and Hajime gets to know him better, he is starting to feel more comfortable with him than all the other people in his life. People he has known for years but that sadly don’t seem to know him anymore. At least not the person he is right now— not the Hajime they knew before the accident. 

Hajime Iwaizumi. Twenty-nine. Dance teacher. Single. That’s who Hajime is supposed to be. 

The last fact hurts the most over everything and perhaps it’s because there are so many feelings attached to it. Feelings that won’t go away no matter how much he tries to ignore them. Feelings that fuel his body with unshakable truth; screaming at him that they matter. Feelings that aren’t reciprocated. 

Hajime isn’t ready to let go of his feelings, not until things make sense. 

Talking to Kiyoomi will surely make putting things to rest easier. The problem is, Hajime doesn’t know whether he should even reach out to him. From what Wakatoshi told him, regardless of their break up, they are still in contact. Wakatoshi had implied that Kiyoomi would be willing to help him in anything if Hajime were to ask. 

But Hajime doesn’t want to ask. Not when he doesn’t know where he stands. He wants Kiyoomi to be the one reaching out for him. And that just has him overthinking every night why Kiyoomi hasn’t reached out for him. 

There a reasonable side of his mind that whispers to Hajime that Kiyoomi has surely kept himself updated if not from Wakatoshi or Koutarou, then Rintarou. Kiyoomi surely cares for him, even now. Nothing Wakatoshi said has made him question that fact. The little bit Rintarou let out about Kiyoomi still working for his father was enough to assure Hajime his break up with him had not been messy. 

At least not enough to force them apart. Surely not enough for Kiyoomi to avoid him. 

So why hasn’t he reached out for him?

Because Hajime is extremely uncomfortable these days and because overthinking things every night just worsens his headache, he asks Koutarou. Though he masks just how important Kiyoomi is to him by inquiring about all his supposed friends and why they haven’t reached out to him. 

Koutarou unsurprisingly filters his response after stalling by acting busy during house chores. “They don’t want to overwhelm you.” Is the overall response and Hajime can do nothing but accept that. 

Except Hajime is starting to get annoyed with how delicately everyone is treating him as if anything could trigger his mind to finally remember something. Isn’t it obvious by now that they're holding onto false hope? 

“I want to see them.” My friends. Hajime doesn’t say. Kiyoomi. He doesn’t specify. Koutarou gets it anyway. 

“We have this volleyball match coming up.” He relents the information after a long pause. Hajime is quick to agree to watch the match and to his luck (or not, depending on how he sees it) Koutarou can’t take him but he offers to inform Kiyoomi. When Hajime asks why Kiyoomi specifically Koutarou is forced to reply honestly; “he is the only one you remember, right?” And that tells Hajime more than he needs to know. It hurts more than he excepts too and before his face twists in something painful, Hajime controls his reaction to avoid hurting his cousin's feelings. 

He is right, anyway. 

From what he has picked up from the conversations he has had with everyone about his current friends, Hajime knows that all the friendships are recent. (Within the last five years recent) and since Hajime can’t even begin to mention names of people his mind registers as friends, he can safely assume that they share the same fate as Keiji. 

He tries not to think too much about it and instead focuses on Kiyoomi. 

-o-

Kiyoomi hasn’t changed. 

At least that’s what Hajime tries to convince himself the moment he stands in front of him. He hasn’t changed. And sure, that statement holds some truth. When looking at his dark hair, neatly styled, the two moles over his eyebrow, his fair skin, the natural way his mouth is in a straight line— he hasn’t changed. 

But Kiyoomi doesn’t greet him with a kiss on the cheek. He doesn’t come close for Hajime to reach for his hand. He doesn’t look at Hajime with desire and much less love.

It’s like a dagger to his heart. 

“Hajime.” Kiyoomi still calls him, his smile gentle as he goes through all the pleasantries required for someone who is seeing someone who was just discharged from a hospital. This is pretty much the case here. 

“Kiyoomi,” Hajime calls back and there isn’t a flinch or a frown or a look of disgust so at least Hajime can rest with knowing that they are friends, or something close enough that allows them to call each other by their first names.  

Hajime rejects Kiyoomi’s offer to help him to his car. He also rejects any help whatsoever with entering the car while maneuvering his crutches. Kiyoomi doesn’t comment on Hajime's stubbornness and he doesn’t stare as Hajime struggles with the task. Instead, he waits patiently while messing with the car’s radio by flipping through the stations until he finds one that’s playing instrumental music. 

Hajime lets the choice of music comfort him. 

Four minutes into the drive and Kiyoomi is apologizing for not coming to see him sooner. It’s then that Hajime learns that Wakatoshi has indeed informed ‘everyone’ how sensitive Hajime’s situation currently was, as per Dr. Suzaku’s request. Hajime lets Kiyoomi know that he understands and there is no reason for him to feel unnecessarily guilty. Those words seem to push away whatever weight rests on Kiyoomi’s shoulders. So much that he easily relaxes his shoulders, sitting in a much more comfortable way as he starts a light conversation that quickly draws out a smile from both of them. 

It’s five minutes after that when Hajime mindlessly open the glove compartment, resulting in a discovery that steals the air from his lungs.

Kiyoomi has always had a collection of CDs in his car so Hajime was expecting to see them. What he wasn’t expecting was the collection to no longer hold Kiyoomi’s favourite artist. What he wasn’t expecting was to see drawings and notes all over the covers. What he wasn’t expecting was to catch a messy signature with a name he doesn’t recognize next to a heart and the word love. 

Hajime pulls out one CD. He traces his finger over the scribble and bites his tongue before the words leave his mouth with a rush. “Who’s Tsum?”

Kiyoomi stills, the hand on the steering wheel tensing. His eyes trail to the CD Hajime holds before focusing back on the road. A moment passes and Hajime can’t find the strength to do anything but wait. “Atsumu.” Kiyoomi eventually says. “Miya Atsumu.” The name doesn’t mean anything to Hajime. “My boyfriend.”

(I love you. Hajime thinks and curses the universe. I love you. His mind screams as he glances at him, taking in every detail that screams to Hajime how Kiyoomi is his. In his head, nothing has changed. I love you. Hajime yearns for him, his hands itch with the desire to reach out to him, to touch his face, to pulls him closer. He wants to breathe the same air as him. He wants to get lost in the heat of Kiyoomi’s love.)

Miya Atsumu? Who? When? Why? 

Hajime swallows before anything like that can leave his mouth. Then, with whatever common sense he can find in him, he chants in his head: Kiyoomi is not yours. Hajime’s heart twists in pain. He is not yours anymore. The relationship that lies fresh in Hajime’s head is long dead— Kiyoomi has always been honest and straightforward. Traits Hajime always appreciated. Though now, as his heart breaks a little, he wishes Kiyoomi would have avoided the question. 

“Oh.”

Hajime hears Kiyoomi inhale. Silence begins to take over the car but before it can settle Kiyoomi makes a sharp right turn that ends with a loud exhale from him and then he is talking. “He will be there tonight.” He says, the words twisting Hajime’s heart. Would it be rude to turn up the radio? “He is the captain and setter of our team.” I don’t want to know. Hajime thinks while he nods along. Please stop talking. There is a long pause. Kiyoomi swallows loudly. “Listen, Hajime. I—“

“Don’t apologize.” Hajime interrupts, knowing by Kiyoomi’s tone —by how tightly he holds the steering wheel, by the tilt to his brows—exactly what he is about to do. He knows because this is Kiyoomi. Kiyoomi, Hajime’s heart once again twists. “This isn’t.... this isn’t something you could have controlled.”

The words are true but Hajime doesn’t think he believes them. Kiyoomi doesn’t say anything back and the ride continues with silence. It isn’t until they arrived and Kiyoomi has parked and turned off the engine that Hajime stupidly asks; “Are you happy?”

He doesn’t know what answer he wants to hear.

Kiyoomi takes in a shaky breath. “You..." He starts nervously, opening and closing his mouth as if he has trouble forming the right words. "You introduced us.” Hajime can't believe that. "You brought him to my birthday party and you told me…” Hajime wants him to stop. Wants him to shut up because there is no way that's true. "You told me: ‘Kiyoomi, you probably deserve better but this idiot can make you happy so let him take you out for dinner’.” 

Hajime's fist clench, the void in his chest increasing. Hajime shuts his mouth. Of course. Of fucking course Hajime gave his blessings. "You were right, he makes me happy.” He chuckles. “I’m really happy.”

It takes Hajime a second to respond. “That’s all that matters.”

-o-

Hajime refuses Kiyoomi’s help in finding the seating area once they reach the stadium. He holds his crutches tightly and bids Kiyoomi good luck before he follows the path other spectators are taking to enter. He feels Kiyoomi’s heavy gaze on his back until he has finally gone through the doors and presumedly out of sight. 

Thoughts about the car conversation play on his mind the entire way to the sitting area and Hajime is starting to regret ever wanting this. He should have planned to meet up with Kiyoomi another time. A time when he wouldn’t be forced to deal with unknown faces right after. 

You asked for this. A part inside Hajime reminds him and Hajime sucks in a deep breath of air as he continues forward. 

He finds a seat at the very top of the stands. The stadium is not big, hajime has seen bigger gyms, but there is a good amount of people already seated. The area closer to the court is mostly packed and Hajime didn’t want to deal with passing by numerous people with crutches. He is content with his seat, even though he knows he won't get to see the players all that well.

Maybe, subconsciously, that had been his plan. 

Keiji joins him on the stands ten minutes later. He comes with his work uniform looking completely out of breath. Hajime teases him and accepts Keiji’s lame reason for being here, knowing well Koutarou probably convinced him to leave work earlier to keep Hajime company.

After five minutes of a short conversation, Keiji excuses himself before returning with packaged onigiri from the vending machines Hajime passed on his way to his seat. He offers Hajime one and Hajime accepts, surprised that Keiji seems to be planning to eat the other four in his hands. 

“It’s going to be a long match,” Keiji says in between bites. “The team they are up against is quite good.”

Hajime hums just as said team comes out to the court to begin their stretches. Hajime holds his breath for the next five minutes as he waits for the team with his ‘friends’ to join them. 

When they come out, Hajime focuses his gaze on Kiyoomi first before the pain from earlier prods at his heart and he has to look away. He lets his gaze wander to the other four players he doesn’t recognize before his eyes settle on his cousin who is the last to come into view. From the corner of his vision, Hajime feels Keiji’s eyes on him. 

“Hey, can you... can you tell me about them?” Hajime finds the courage to ask. Keiji’s breath hitches before he tries to cover the sound with a cough. Hajime feels his lips settle on a smile, even though there isn’t much to smile for. 

“Miya Atsumu is the blonde one,” Keiji says and Hajime is thankful for Keiji’s deadpan voice that makes this all sound like a listing of grocery items. That way Hajime can control the way his heart twist at the mention of that name. “He is the number one, captain and setter.” 

Hajime’s eyes study his dyed hair before he takes in his build. He is tall, probably taller than Hajime. Maybe as tall as Kiyoomi. From where Hajime sits he can also see the smile he wears. Confident, cocky, honest— he looks away.

“The one wearing the number eleven jersey is Tsukishima Kei.” Keiji is saying. Hajime’s eyes travel to a smoother blonde. This one probably has more height than Kiyoomi. “And number fourteen is Kuroo Tetsurou.” Next to the tall blonde one is someone just as tall. His hair is black and messy, it makes Hajime want to brush it. “I’ve known them since high school. They are good friends of mine. They are the middle blockers.”

Hajime hums at the explanation before he realizes something. “What about Rin?”

“Sometimes Tsukishima has class and Suna will take his place.” Hajime turns to face Keiji for a second and catches a fond expression on his face. “Though on those days, Kuroo and Suna tend to cause chaos.” That tells Hajime all he needs to know about Kuroo. He is probably as quick-witted and mouthy as Rin. 

“Oh,” Keiji suddenly says, “do you remember Koutarou’s high school friend?” Hajime blinks, caught off guard at the question before he looks back down to the court. He immediately catches sight of Konoha. “He wasn’t set to play this match. I guess Daichi must have had other things to do.”

Hajime doesn’t know who Daichi is, but he doesn’t bother asking. Instead, he lets his eyes study how much Konoha has changed from his memory. He has grown. Bulked. Hajime thinks he even looks more attractive than he last remembers. No wonder he had failed to recognize him at first. 

“Is there no libero?” Hajime finds himself asking, not finding anyone suitable for the role. After all, knowing Konoha he is probably going to play as a wing spiker. Kiyoomi and Koutarou will also take on that role. 

“Sakusa will play libero,” Keiji states, a weary glance sent his way. Hajime blinks, his eyes finding Kiyoomi again only to realize he is the only one wearing the alternative colour of the team’s jersey. 

“Oh.” Hajime swallows. “Aren’t they short a spiker?”

Keiji makes a contemplative sound. “If I recall, Osamu should be… here…” Hajime blinks, eyes snapping back to Keiji as he takes note of the way his voice seems to falter. Hajime stares as he watches Keiji’s cheeks lose some colour. “Oh.”

Hajime feels the chill of Keiji’s voice reach his bones. He hesitates before he turns to follow Keiji’s line of vision. Almost instantly, does Hajime catch sight of the number four. “Is that…?” Hajime starts, unsure of what he is planning on asking. 

He hears Keiji take in a shaky breath. “Oikawa,” he says, hardly above a whisper.

Something rings in Hajime’s ears. His vision suddenly becomes too clear and Hajime can almost feel the bit of sweat trailing down his neck, due to the heat of the room. His eyes stay on the new figure as he seems to make his way to the rest of the team. 

From where Hajime watches, he can tell that everyone is wearing a similar expression to Keiji’s. Hajime watches the guy falter before he reaches for Atsumu. Koutarou is moving close to him then, pulling him aside, while urgently he seems to be telling him something. 

Hajime thinks he can hear every beat of his heart as he watches the man’s muscles tense. Then, in a blink, Hajime is watching the man turn around, face moving as he searches and searches and—

Brown eyes. Hajime finds himself lost in them even though he is a good distance away and can hardly make any details. 

He thinks he hears Keiji gasp. 

Who are you? Hajime’s mind whispers just as a small headache begins to form in between his eyebrows.