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Killua lies on the cool sand in the dark. The waves have moved up the shore and are almost at his feet. He’s cold now. It was warmer when he lay down in the last light of the setting sun. Now the beach is lit by a half moon that slides higher into the sky as he watches.
The wild roses are in full bloom and their scent surrounds him and mixes with the sharpness of the sea salt and a wood fire far off somewhere. Killua lets the sand trail between his fingers. It’s dry but its coldness makes it feel wet. Almost. Killua shifts, stretching his legs towards the water.
‘Are you cold?’
Kite drops silently beside him. Kite never makes sound. He’s fast and quiet and would make a terrible enemy. Killua’s mind swims with ways to kill him.
Kite places his hand carefully on Killua’s bare arm. ‘I brought,’ he says, and is holding out Killua’s hoodie.
Killua sits up and takes it. He pulls it on, and he’s suddenly aware of how cold he was. He’d thought it was just a bit annoying, but he shivers now and rubs at his legs and arms.
Kite’s still kneeling on the sand, one hand to his mouth, watching him. Killua can hear Gon calling for him down the beach. He wants to get up, but if he knew how, he would have gone back an hour ago.
He is frozen.
A wind picks up. A high wave touches Killua’s feet, the ends of Kite’s hair. Killua leans forward, but he still can’t stand. He touches the wet sand. It gives beneath his fingers.
He can’t tell Kite that he’s forgotten how to move. That he’s so hollowed out that he can’t feel life in him. That he’s been staring at the sky, and he’s too empty to be real.
Kite doesn’t move. He doesn’t speak. His eyes are too shadowed for Killua to see them, but he can feel them on him.
‘Killua!’
Gon’s getting closer. He’s going to be there in a minute, and that’s not a lot of time to become human again.
Killua closes his eyes and shakes his head. He grips his hand into a fist until his nails cut his palm. He’s going to smile when Gon gets there, and he’ll stand when Gon pulls him up.
He wonders what Kite is getting from this. How much he can read. Kite hasn’t said anything. Killua could ask him what the fuck he’s thinking, but there isn’t enough time for an answer. He wonders if Kite knows that he’s forgotten how to move.
Gon reaches them and the moon is full on his face. His eyes are dark and glittering.
‘Killua! Kite!’
Killua smiles. Gon reaches for him and pulls him up by the arm. ‘Were you out here all this time?’
Killua shrugs, steadying himself against Gon’s body. Gon is planted firmly in the sand. Killua sways, but Gon holds him up. Gon wraps his arm around Killua’s waist.
‘You’re cold!’
Gon turns back to the house. Killua watches his feet and mimics his steps, moving shakily back along the narrow strip of beach left. He wonders if this means he’s broken.
Kite follows silently behind them. His gaze doesn’t leave Killua. Killua wonders if this means Kite knows.
The house seems too bright now. Killua blinks in the light. It hurts his eyes. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to stand if Gon lets go of him.
Gon lets go and Killua stands, fingertips against the wall to keep him in place. He moves slowly to the sofa, not lifting his feet. He sinks down and drags the blanket around him. He’s cold and wants to go to bed. He wants to sleep for a very long time. Sometimes he thinks that if he just shuts his eyes, he will fall asleep forever. Something about that still makes him want to cry.
Gon brings tea, and Killua drinks it. Gon sits beside him, half under the blanket too. He asks Killua about the evening and what he did, and Killua has to find a way to tell him that he didn’t do anything. He just walked out on the beach and his steps got slower and slower until he couldn’t move any more and then he lay down and he didn’t think about anything.
That’s what he did. That was the only thing he could do.
‘Walked on the beach,’ he says because it is true.
‘I like the beach,’ Gon says, and that’s truer.
Killua is warm where Gon touches him. But otherwise he’s still frozen.