Work Text:
i listened to this while writing, feel free to listen as well :))
xxx
To Taehyung
Wanna come over later?
Sent at 8:46 pm
To Taehyung
Or are you free sometime this week?
Sent at 9:01 pm
To Taehyung
You’re probably busy right now, but let's hang out soon, just answer when you get this
Sent at 9:10 pm
Jungkook kind of felt like crying, but he was stronger than that, he wasn’t going to cry just because he’s feeling lonely.
Taehyung may be his best friend, but he has his own life that doesn’t always have room for his needy bullshit.
Jungkook tried to think about Taehyung’s schedule or if he mentioned that he was doing anything tonight that would provide any reason for him being busy and not seeing his texts, but he felt so shitty when he couldn’t think of anything.
He hadn’t seen Taehyung in two weeks now, and while he supposes that isn’t very long, it’s quite a while for him who usually hangs out or at least sees Taehyung every day whether at school or one of their dorms.
Jungkook was desperate for his best friend to answer him, hang out with him, see him, speak to him, just to be acknowledged in any way at all, and be reassured that he still matters.
Jungkook bit his lip as his phone lit up with a notification alert and read the message feeling his eyes start to well up.
From Taehyung
Sure, let's hang out soon
Sent at 9:34 pm
Jungkook felt so upset and lonely as his eyes re-read the message over and over before in a moment of loss of control he threw it at the floor making a loud thump muffled by the carpet and stood abruptly.
He felt so blown off and unimportant, and he knows he’s overreacting but goddamnit he can’t help it.
Jungkook breathed harshly through his nose clenching his jaw harshly, closing his eyes as tears burned behind his lids.
He loves taehyung so much and puts his all into their friendship, but maybe that’s where the issue lies.
Jungkook has always been quiet, reserved, and constantly held back by his overwhelming anxiety and insecurities.
Jungkook has some friends, but none he can trust, rely on and be as comfortable with as Taehyung.
But Taehyung isn’t like Jungkook, he can easily make friends with whomever he comes across, he’s loud, bright and outgoing.
Taehyung also knows how handsome he is, is very confident and bold, and has no reservations in life.
They are both so polar to each other that he wonders how they became friends in the first place, but there’s something about him that just clicks so well with him.
Taehyung has plenty of friends and is always surrounded by people.
Jungkook has Taehyung and a few friends he occasionally hangs out with and is usually by himself in his dorm or with Taehyung.
Maybe he’s the problem here, god why couldn’t he just be a normal kid who can walk to class every day without running the risk of having a mental breakdown?
Why can’t he make friends too?
Why does he feel like he’s the only one in their relationship that cares, that needs the other so desperately and misses him too?
Jungkook sniffed feeling insecure, depressed, lost, and most overwhelmingly, numb.
He feels pathetic as he goes to his room to change out of the normal hoodie he’d been wearing into his black thick soft one that was three sizes too big just the way he liked, the one that he always wore when he felt defeated and needed comfort.
He’d been wearing it a lot recently, he thought as he slipped on his shoes and headed out the door of his dorm.
He genuinely had no clue where he was going, he just knew he needed to leave, go outside in the cold night air under the blanket of the dark midnight sky.
Usually, he’d have headphones in blasting his music in an attempt to both calm his anxiety and ignore everyone around him.
As he stopped at a light waiting for the cars to pass he had a brief moment of thinking…
What if I just stepped into the middle of the road and let it hit me?
Jungkook felt the tears sting at his eyes as they began to come back up feeling such an aching physical pain in his chest at the thought that constricted his throat painfully.
He felt so pathetic for even imagining that.
Am I really that stupid?
He felt some sick kind of happiness at imagining people gathering around his dead body in the middle of the road, of Taehyung getting the call while he was with his friends laughing and having fun that Jeon Jungkook had got hit by a car and died while he’d blown him off with short blunt replies only a little while before.
He imagined Taehyung being so utterly in pain and sorrow over his death like he’d lost a piece of himself, completely broken up and unconsolable.
He felt a sick satisfaction imagining how much pain Taehyung would feel over his death, but also realized that he’d get over him, move on, and forget him pretty quickly.
Sure they’re good friends and maybe he’d shed a tear or two and be sad about it for a little bit, but with all the supportive and happy friends he has around him, he’d get over it, he’d move on, and eventually would grow to forget about Jungkook and think back on his death as an unfortunate event from his youth.
He was a coward though and cared too much about his family, his friends, and about Taehyung to do such a thing.
He doesn’t want them to suffer because he was feeling selfish.
He felt so horrible as he stood at the light, throat tight with feelings, and tears silently falling down his cheeks.
He crossed the street successfully feeling only a tiny bit of shameful regret with a glance back over his shoulder as the cars began to fly past again, fantasy disappearing.
He hesitates as he passes the music block looking towards the door that Yoongi-hyung taught him to unlock when he got inspiration at three am and needed to get in the studio.
Jungkook tried the handle which opened quickly startling him a little from pulling a little too hard expecting it to be locked.
He stood there for a second pondering if Yoongi-hyung or Namjoon-hyung would be in and if he was willing to risk seeing tonight.
He pushed through pulling his hood up over his head keeping his eyes down as he made his way down the hallways and to the studio they all used.
He sighed out a breath of relief feeling guilt for the way his chest loosened a bit at finding the studio vacant tonight.
He flicked on a lamp in the corner of the room bathing the room in a warm yellow glow as he moved to sit down at the desk resting his head in his hands and closing his eyes.
The silence of the space was buzzing loudly in his ears making his anxiety spike from the constant simmer in his gut that was always present.
He felt restless and lost all alone in the studio decorated by his hyungs, littered with little pieces of himself that he’d leftover time that marked his presence in the small room too.
He lifted his head arduously slumping back into the cold leather of the chair slightly spinning from the motion.
He looked over to the keyboard piano that sat next to him, the same one Yoongi-hyung had taught him to play on and spent two years saving up for as a broke college student who’d decided to make his own path in life and chose to go after his own dreams by becoming a music major.
Jungkook spun the chair to face it pulling it up to the keyboard and lazily hitting a note.
He played a lazy melody humming along with it feeling that tightness and ache in his chest and letting it come out through the notes as he played.
With leaden feet, it’s a long road that I walk
I live listlessly as I walk down this lonesome road
I walk to a lackadaisical beat
Thinking back to your words, how bittersweet
I can't explain the way everything feels so far away
The way everything seems to be floating away
I can’t open my eyes, I don't want to see the light
All the pretty things that you said are starting to mess with my head
As I gaze at the road ahead I feel like I'll start seeing red
Every day’s getting harder and I'm feeling a little older
And as the music grows louder, I'm starting to feel a little colder
But I'm scared looking at the road ahead
I feel like I'm walking towards my deathbed
Jungkook keeps playing the melody even as he stops singing feeling empty after hearing his true feelings out loud.
He let his hand hover for a moment over the keys before weakly dropping it in his lap and sinking back into the seat feeling small and fragile.
Truly he just wanted nothing more at that moment than to feel Taehyung's arms around him holding him close as they both lie in his bed with a movie on in the background to fill the silence.
He wanted to hear how much he meant to him and how he still loved him so much, needed Jungkook just as much as he needed him.
He wanted to hear him whisper how much he missed him and how lonely he also felt without him by his side, not seeing him every day as they always did.
He needed Taehyung's warmth and comfort right now, and as upset as he was with him right now, he knew that nothing else would make him feel better like Taehyung could.
Possibly against his better judgment, he peeled himself out of the chair and pushed himself out of the room flipping the light back off and locking the door on his way out.
Jungkook felt so desperate for Taehyung right now as he walked as fast as his feet would carry him just slow enough not to be running.
Taehyung lived in an apartment with Jimin off campus that they’d been saving up for so they’d have more room for their activities, taehyung had told him all about it when they met and he asked why he didn’t just live in a dorm on campus.
Jungkook felt the courage or whatever had empowered him to seek out Taehyung’s comfort vanish as soon as he’d began to approach their apartment building finding Jimin walking hand in hand with Yoongi-hyung turning to go inside the building and likely up to Taehyung and Jimin’s apartment.
He froze upon seeing them feeling a sinking feeling of defeat in his gut, why did he think Jimin wouldn’t be at his own apartment too?
Maybe they thought a creeper was stalking them or maybe it was the sound of the strained sob that clawed its way out of his throat, but as he came back to himself he found the couple looking back at him wide-eyed in surprise.
Yoongi’s familiar drawl reached his ears first as he saw everything move in slow motion, “Jungkook-ah?”
Yoongi said as Jimin let go of him to run towards Jungkook.
Jungkook wanted to run, he did not want Jimin and Yoongi-hyung to see him like this or ask questions like why they hadn’t seen him all week and he’d been dodging their texts and calls or especially “Jungkookie are you okay- why are you crying?”
Jungkook couldn’t move as Jimin reached up to wipe his tears away with his thumbs cupping his face in his hands looking at him worriedly, eyebrows furrowed in concern.
And for some reason that just did it, that small action just broke him and he started sobbing horribly into Jimin’s shoulder as he reached out and hugged onto him like he was his lifeline.
“Jungkook what’s wrong!”
Jimin gasped startled by the sudden breakdown and immediately wrapped his arms around Jungkook rubbing his hand up and down his back in a comforting motion.
Jungkook jumped harshly and startled when a hand came down on his head a little too hard looking up scaredly only to calm down a bit when he saw it was Yoongi hyung.
He looked at Jungkook with soft eyes that shined with concern, “Namjoon texted me saying he saw you leaving the music block when he went to go to the studio, said you didn’t look okay.”
Jungkook had calmed down in Jimin’s arms, reduced to shivering hiccups, and sniffles able to stop the tears, but Yoongi’s words made his eyes shine again and his lips quiver.
“Come give hyung a hug Jungkookie,” he said as he pulled Jungkook from Jimin and into his arms letting the younger latch onto him and brought his hand up to his nape stroking it soothingly, “we can talk about it later Jungkookie.”
Jungkook nodded stiffly, feeling numb in his hyung’s embrace feeling some tension drain out of his shoulders letting them slump.
He felt fragile as he let them take him inside the lobby that was thankfully empty and a lot warmer than it was outside.
Yoongi led him over to a small bench moving for him to sit next to him with an arm wrapped around his shoulder before giving Jimin a look, “You wanna go ahead, we'll meet you up there?”
Jimin still looked worried about Jungkook, chewing on his bottom lip out of habit, but smiled gently at Yoongi and nodded.
Jimin ruffled Jungkook’s hair giving him a reassuring smile before turning around and walking over to the elevators.
Jungkook waited in silence with Yoongi both watching as Jimin left before turning to him once he was gone, “why’d you ask Jimin-hyung to leave hyung?”
Yoongi rolled his eyes playfully pushing at the back of Jungkook’s head, “Yah you brat, why do you only call him hyung when he’s not around!”
Jungkook smiled weakly, silently laughing for a moment, “can’t spoil him hyung if I start being respectful now he’ll definitely know something is wrong.”
Yoongi examined him for a moment, “So something is up then… is it something hyung can help with.”
Jungkook sighed burdened, all traces of a smile erased, “I'm not sure hyung… I... I don’t know if this can be fixed.”
Jungkook sighed through his nose sitting straight and blinking as his eyes began to burn and he started to feel the frustration come back up again clenching and unclenching his fists.
“It’s just-” Jungkook paused as his voice wavered thick with emotion, his throat feeling tight.
Yoongi rubbed his back encouragingly waiting for him to continue, “breath Jungkook-ah.”
Jungkook took a breath, in and out, closing his eyes as he regained his composure again, “it’s just, I don’t even know hyung. Did I do something wrong- have I made a mistake?”
Jungkook looked at his hyung who appeared blurred through his tears, “I'm trying so hard- and I know I'm not perfect… but I'm doing my best and… and I don’t understand why that isn’t good enough.”
Jungkook shivered pulling his sleeves over his hands and chose to look down at his shoes instead, no longer able to look at Yoongi, he felt so lost and pathetic.
Yoongi was silent for a few moments seeming to process what Jungkook had told him before speaking, “I obviously can’t say I know for certain what you're talking about, but I feel like I have a pretty good idea.”
Jungkook nodded sniffling, not giving a clear answer, but Yoongi took this as an okay to go on.
“I can’t say I've been in your position before, but I feel like I can at least give you a bit of advice when I tell you that you need to talk to him, soon jungkook-ah because you scared the shit out of both me and Jimin tonight.
"You’re clearly not doing well at all right now and I’m worried about you kook, don’t think I haven’t noticed your absence recently and you dodging us. Joon and I have found your recordings and crumpled up sheets of lyrics in the trash, we’ve heard and we’ve seen what’s going on in that head of yours and you need to get help Jungkook.
"This can’t all be stemming from any issues you have in your guys’ relationship right now, and I've been there and I know how dark and lonely it is.”
Jungkook stayed silent as he pursed his lips tightly, shaking as tears fell down his cheeks and dripped off his chin feeling all the darkness eating at him as Yoongi brought it back up.
Yoongi put his hand on Jungkook’s knee leaning forward to get his attention even as Jungkook shook his head unwilling to look at him, “but Jungkook-ah, there is a light at the end of the road even if it seems light-years away, even if we can’t even see it sometimes and don’t realize that we’ve reached it until everything just seems to be so bright all the time and you forget about how dark everything was before.
"This light comes in so many different forms and shapes, some are obvious and others we may not ever realize, but they're there, and there will be one at the end of your road too Jungkook-ah. The road may seem long right now, but it’s all worth it in the end, I swear it.”
Yoongi leaned back looking away as the sound of quick footsteps approached speaking softer this time, “You’re strong Jungkook-ah, I know you are… you just need to believe it too.”
Jungkook was startled as someone suddenly fell to their knees in front of him and reached out to cup his cheeks gently, “Jungkookie!”
Jungkook didn’t need to look up to recognize that voice or that touch, just let himself be pulled into his arms and onto his lap joining him on the dirty lobby floor.
“Taehyung,” Jungkook whined as he was overwhelmed once again as he wrapped his around his neck and started crying once more.
Yoongi and Jimin comforted him, but Taehyung’s comfort was just different and it made him feel vulnerable and break down all over again in his arms with his face buried in his neck as he let Taehyung comfort him.
“Jungkook baby oh no, what’s wrong love, what happened sweetheart?”
Jungkook relished in his warmth closing his eyes as hot tears dripped down his chip in shuddering sobs and hiccups trying to calm down, absorbing all of Taehyung’s comfort and gentle words.
“You’re okay baby, let's just take deep breaths and try to calm down sweetie, hyung’s here bun, hyung’s here.”
Jungkook didn’t realize how much he needed to hear that until he slumped in Taehyung's hold and whispered brokenly, “I missed you hyung.”
Taehyung seemed to still for a moment, the hand on his back pausing momentarily before resuming it’s stroking, “Hyung missed you too bun.”
Jungkook sniffed, “Then where were you, why haven’t I seen you and barley heard from you for two weeks?”
His eyes burned, threatening to drip with more tears as he demanded answers.
Taehyung pulled back allowing Jungkook to look at him and in turn see Jungkook himself.
Jungkook looked like a mess, he knew that.
The tear tracks down his cheeks, red puffy eyes and runny nose.
Taehyung seemed to see it too because his eyes started to water too as he took in the state of Jungkook.
“I’m so sorry Jungkook, I didn’t mean to hurt you or ignore you,” Taehyung wiped a stray tear off Jungkook's cheek tenderly, “I’ve just been working extra hard recently.”
Jungkook felt angry upon hearing his lame excuse considering his work has never been an issue, but seeing Taehyung look down and sensing the shift in his body language, he kept quiet and waited.
Taehyung spoke softly not meeting Jungkook’s curious eyes, “You know I love you Jungkook-ah, I always have.”
Jungkook felt upset still, but also nervous now as he responded, “I know hyung, I love you too.”
Taehyung smiled fondly looking back up at Jungkook meeting his eyes. Jungkook felt his heart start beating faster as it always did around Taehyung, he knew what Taehyung meant, but he didn’t want to assume anything or give himself false hope.
“Jungkookie,” taehyung whispered, caressing his cheek softly, “You know what I'm talking about.”
Jungkook couldn’t bring himself to respond so Taehyung continued, “I love you as more than a friend Jungkookie.”
Jungkook would feel speechless if it weren’t for the amount of despair he’s been feeling all week.
“Then where were you Taehyung? I needed you.”
Taehyung looked devastated mouth opening and closing as he tried to find the words, “I’m so sorry Jungkook.”
Taehyung gripped one of Jungkook’s hands with his, “I’m so sorry I got so caught up with work, I’m sorry for being such a bad friend Jungkook I truly am.”
Jungkook was hurting, but he was also hurting seeing Taehyung pleading to him.
He didn’t want Taehyung to hurt too, but he needed to get it out.
Jungkook’s lips trembled as he pushed the words out, “I just felt so insignificant, like I just didn’t matter,” Jungkook clenched his jaw, nostrils flaring as he held back tears, “I felt so alone Hyung, I felt so invisible.”
Taehyung whispered as tears burned down his cheeks in shame, “I’m so sorry Jungkookie.”
Jungkook tried to force the words up his throat as he tried to tell Taehyung, he tried and tried but he just couldn’t get them out.
He cried frustrated tears as he fell back into Taehyung’s hold, crying into his shoulder as his throat constricted itself.
Taehyung shushed him, reminding him to breathe as he ran a gentle hand up and down his back, “relax Jungkookie, it’s okay, just take your time... hyung’s not leaving you again.”
Jungkook latched onto those words, repeating them over and over in his head until he could breathe again.
Taehyung almost missed it, caught up in his thoughts and disappointment in himself when Jungkook spoke.
“I was so scared Hyung… I wanted to…” almost silently he whispered, “I thought I was gonna die. I wanted to die.”
Taehyung couldn’t describe the sensation.
He felt like he had gotten the air knocked out of him and his throat closed up not allowing him to catch his breath, he felt like he was suffocating.
His eyes and nose burned as scalding tears began pouring from his eyes in trails of pain and shame.
Taehyung sobbed into himself holding Jungkook tightly as if he was going to slip away as if he’d die on the spot if he let go.
Taehyung felt overwhelming grief as if Jungkook had already died, the thought of it too much for him to handle.
He panicked at the thought of living in a world where the person he loved most didn't exist.
“Jungkook- no please- please please don’t- no I’m so sorry don’t-“ Taehyung wheezed out struggling to speak and breathe through his tears.
Jungkook shook his head as tears spilled at the sight of Taehyung falling apart before him, “I’m not, I won’t, I just felt so alone… I don't wanna be alone Tae.”
Taehyung sniffed, still trembling from his breakdown, “you’re not alone Jungkookie, never, you’re not alone- I’m so sorry.”
Jungkook felt warm in Taehyung’s hold, he just wanted to be held.
Taehyung sniffed, pressing his head against Jungkook’s, “I wanted to surprise you- why I was working. I wanted to take you on this fancy trip and ask you out. It was supposed to be super romantic and dramatic, we were both gonna laugh and cry and we were supposed to be happy. But this isn’t very happy, you aren’t happy.”
Jungkook felt such mixed emotions, he felt so fond and a little amused.
He felt hurt and sad.
He laughed a watery laugh accompanied by tears as it all came out.
Jungkook wanted to cry and scream at Taehyung, wanted to scream at him for ignoring him just to surprise him, wanted to cry because it was sweet and Jungkook would have expected nothing less of Taehyung.
But, he was relieved most of all because Taehyung had never forgotten about him, ironically the reason he’d been busy was because he was trying to surprise him.
“Of course you were,” Jungkook nuzzled against Taehyung’s cheek, “you idiot, you stupid, dramatic idiot, of course, you did.”
Taehyung laughed weakly with him, “I know, I’m sorry.”
Jungkook shook his head with a fond smile, “you idiot, you’re lucky I love you.”
Taehyung laughed genuinely, “yeah I really am lucky.”
The door whooshed open behind them and loud chatter startled them apart as a group of college students came in.
The startled look on the kids' faces as they saw the teary faces of Jungkook and Taehyung on the dirty lobby floor sniffling made Jungkook laugh.
Taehyung laughed too at their slightly ridiculous situation as the group quickly shoved their way into the elevator and pressed the button to close the doors rapidly while trying not to stare.
Taehyung and Jungkook were both laughing now as they realized just how funny they looked.
“Gosh we’re so dramatic, both sobbing on the dirty floor in the lobby of your apartment.”
Taehyung nodded wiping at his nose and smiling through puffy red eyes, “yeah I guess we are, looks like we’re made for each other, huh?”
Jungkook nodded with an attractive sniff as his nose ran making both of them laugh at what messes they were.
Jungkook felt lighter knowing that he hadn’t been forgotten, he’d actually been the reason for Taehyung’s absence.
And maybe just a bit tired, fight drained out of him along with all his tears and anger.
He knew they’d probably talk about it again later, but right now he just felt warm and happy sitting across from Taehyung.
In a spur of happiness, Jungkook leaned forward and pressed his lips to Taehyung’s, holding his face with his sweater paws as he kissed him.
Taehyung pressed back into it, reaching up to hold Jungkook’s hands with his.
Jungkook smiled, red nose and puffy face and Taehyung thought he never looked more beautiful.
Jungkook smushed Taehyung’s cheeks in between his hands, “you don’t have to take me on expensive fancy trips Taehyung, I would’ve been happy if you’d asked me on the nasty lobby floor, I just want to be with you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
Taehyung smiled looking a little bashful, “so if I asked you right now you’d be happy?”
Jungkook laughed and wanted to hit Taehyung on the back of his head for asking, “of course I would, you idiot.”
Taehyung laughed with him squeezing Jungkook’s hands in his, “just had to be sure.”
Jungkook shook his head with a fond smile, he was so so in love.
He’d always thought being in love would feel like a thousand butterflies and fireworks all the time, but it felt comfortable.
Being in love with Taehyung didn’t feel like a sudden revelation, it felt familiar and comfortable, it felt like he’s always felt about Taehyung.
It was a warm kind of happiness and contentment when he thought about Taehyung, when he was with him, and when he kissed him.
And he knew Taehyung felt the same, he could see it in the shining eyes watching him in anticipation, “Jungkookie, my love, my life, my world, my happiness, my everything, would you please do me the honor of being my boyfriend and my soulmate for as long as you’ll have me.”
Jungkook laughed with happy tears in his eyes as he gently smacked Taehyung, “Yah you’re not proposing!”
Taehyung laughed looking at Jungkook with overflowing love, “not yet.”
Jungkook rolled his eyes before leaning in to kiss Taehyung square on the lips, “of course I will.”
Jungkook sighed into the kiss feeling like finally, everything was okay again.
Jungkook smacked Taehyung on the arm for real this time, “but don’t ever do that again you ass!”
Taehyung quickly gathered Jungkook back in his arms kissing him again to placate him, “I won't, I promise bun, never again, never.”
Taehyung smiled, “I’m gonna love you so much, gonna give you so much attention you’ll wish I was busy again.”
Jungkook smiled feeling so warm, “you better, I could never get tired of you, always want you around.”
Taehyung pressed their lips together in a sweet kiss, “we’ll see.”
When Jungkook and Taehyung finally made their way into Taehyung’s apartment, Jimin and Yoongi we’re cuddling on the couch watching something on TV, but instantly looked up when they entered like they'd been waiting.
When they saw smiling faces and Taehyung glued to Jungkook’s back as the pair waddled into the room they laughed, “everything okay then?”
Jungkook held Taehyung’s arms around his waist nodding happily, “yeah, we’re fine.”
Taehyung kissed his cheek with an obnoxious smacking noise, “yep, I’m never leaving Jungkookie’s side now, so we have a new roommate Chim.”
Jungkook rolled his eyes with a fake annoyed groan, “Jiminie help, I caught a leech.”
They all laughed at Taehyung’s fake dramatic gasp of offense, “a leech!”
The couple on the couch smiled as the younger pair playfully bickered as they waddled into Taehyung’s room.
Jimin shook his head as he watched the door shut behind them and turned back to the show, “they’ll be okay.”
The couple laughed at the sound of Jungkook's loud whine, “okay Taehyung, let me change!”
“But I can’t leave you!”
“Hyung!”
xxx
Later cuddled up in Taehyung’s bed in a pair of his sweatpants Jungkook finally felt content after such lonely weeks.
He knew everything wasn’t completely okay yet, but it was a start, and for right now he’s happy.
Taehyung was wrapped around him, head on his chest and legs tangled together as he placed a kiss on Jungkook’s jaw, “I love you bun.”
Jungkook smiled as he pressed a kiss to Taehyung’s forehead, “I love you too hyung.”