Chapter Text
Ellie hated these things. She enjoyed the life she’d made for herself in Jackson, for the most part. She was well liked in town and she’d cultivated a pretty great group of friends over the last few years. But dances, where nearly everyone in town was in attendance all at the same time? Not really her cup of tea. The slightly hunched form she could see out of the corner of her eye told her that it wasn’t Joel’s cup of tea either. Ellie quickly looked back down to her whiskey with a frown before bringing the glass to her lips and taking a large swallow. She wasn’t so appreciative of the similarities between her and the old man right now. Hadn’t been for a long time. Still, his presence tonight, and the uncomfortable energy that always came with it for some reason didn’t fill her with quite as much resentment and sadness as it usually did. Things hadn’t been the same since she’d revisited the hospital where they’d met the fireflies; since she’d learned the truth. She could still feel nausea creep its way up her throat. Swallowing hard, she pushed thoughts of her and Joel away, as best she could, and tried to find something better to think about.
Turning her attention to the dance floor, a small smile crept onto her face as Ellie followed the form of someone who, unlike her, flourished in this kind of environment. Dina was dancing and twirling around with a guy from their patrol team, having the time of her life. Ellie could hear Dina’s laughter as she allowed her friend to dip her upside down and bring her back up effortlessly. Taking another small sip of her whiskey, Ellie smirked in the direction of the sexy brunette, wishing it was her own lanky body she’d been twirling around. Knowing she’d never be able to keep up with the smaller woman the way their friend had been at the moment, Ellie simply sat back and enjoyed the show.
***
“You alright kiddo-?”
“What is wrong with you?” For the first time in a while, something in Ellie told her to hold back; her conversations with Joel lately, when they happened at all, were usually pretty hostile. On her part. Tonight, she might have been able to, but for some reason that term of endearment caused a sudden swell of anger and all she could feel was pissed. What gave him the right?
“I don’t need your fucking help Joel.” She could see the immediate hurt all over his face at what she’d said. She had known it would hurt him, she just just didn’t think it would send a small stinging feeling through her own chest. Sure, she’d been particularly harsh and some of her anger was meant for that fucking asshole walking around outside somewhere with Maria and Tommy, but Joel was standing there and she was fucking pissed and so she’d just said it. Watching Joel walk away, Ellie was confused by the slight pang of guilt she was feeling.
Looking around at the room, Ellie noticed everyone at the dance was still staring at her; startled by the first confrontation and confused by the second. Everyone knew there had been a serious disconnect between Ellie and Joel for some time. No one knew why. They couldn’t; except for Maria and Tommy of course. Feeling all eyes on her made Ellie feel like her whole body was on fire; she had to get out of there. She could hear footsteps behind her as she rushed out of the building and into the cold night air.
“Ellie...hey, are you okay? I’m sorry-” Dina made her way quickly behind the taller girl, trying to ignore the tingling sensation still making its way across her lips.
“Fucking asshole!” Ellie kicked a pile of snow in front of her in frustration, seemingly not yet noticing Dina’s presence behind her.
“I’m sorry, what?” Dina raised her voice slightly to make sure the redhead actually heard her this time.
“Wha- oh, not you, D. I’m talking about...him.” Ellie gestured nonsensically back at the building, shaking her head, a slight blush making its way to her cheeks at the presence of the shorter girl that Ellie could still taste on her tongue.
“Well I think we are all aware of the kind of asshole Seth is, I don’t think you should let him get you so worked-”
“No, not him either...I was talking about Joel.” Ellie didn’t give two shits what that close minded fuck Seth thought. More importantly, she could have fucking handled him herself and was about to before Joel stepped in.
“Well…” There was caution in her tone; Dina didn’t know how to proceed. She knew there had been something shitty going on between Ellie and Joel for a while now, but getting either one to talk about it was about as easy as trying to give a clicker a kiss. Something so fucking impossible that even Dina had given up on asking her best friend about him at all. She slowly continued, placing a hand on Ellie’s shoulder. “I think he was just trying to help. I thought it was kind of sweet.” She knew she’d said too much when Ellie pulled herself away from the brunette’s touch.
“It was not-” Ellie took in a breath, knowing Dina couldn’t possibly understand the reasons she felt the way she did. She knew she couldn’t hold it against the shorter girl; she just didn’t get it. Nobody did. Squeezing her eyes shut, she pinched the area between them and turned to face Dina. “Look, I understand why you think that. And it’s fine that you do. But I just don’t need-” Focusing on a spot just behind the brunette’s head, Ellie wondered for a split second what exactly it was she did need; what it was that she wanted. Shaking her head, she re-focused on the soft brown eyes in front of her, her own gaze softening as she noted the patience written in them. “I just don’t fucking need that from him.” Fidgeting in her spot, Ellie didn’t know why, but she felt she needed to talk to Joel. She was still fucking pissed and maybe she just needed to express that. She wasn’t really sure what she wanted to say. She simply felt it, and the time had come for her to say something.
Dina again, did not really know what to say. She felt bad for being the cause of this whole thing; maybe she just shouldn’t have kissed Ellie after all. “I’m sor-”
“Sorry D, I gotta-” Ellie’s mind was already two steps away from the conversation. Normally, she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than in Dina’s company, but her anxiety about whatever conversation they’d have to have about that...that fucking amazing kiss, and her need to hash...something out with Joel was already moving Ellie’s feet in the direction of the old man’s place. “There’s something that I need to go and do. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yeah, see you...tomorrow.” The redhead had, for the second time in one conversation, interrupted Dina in the middle of an apology, but she wasn’t going to hold it against her. Dina could see...something swirling in those deep green eyes of the taller girl and she only hoped Ellie was going to go and sort at least some of it out. The brunette turned and went back inside to grab her coat and head home, Ellie and the kiss they shared on her mind and a smile on her face the whole way.
***
Making her way up the street that led to Joel’s house, Ellie genuinely didn’t know if her body was begging to let out a scream or a sob. Her emotions were swirling inside of her, never letting one hold on for more than a second. She didn’t know how to feel. A part of her hated him, fucking hated him for what he took from her. She didn’t know if she would ever be able to let that go.
Recently though, her anger had begun to flow into random bouts of sadness. She found herself, on more than one occasion, missing Joel...even when he was standing in the same room as her. She was mad. Mad at what he did, but she was also mad for what he ruined between them. Her trust was broken. She’d trusted him more than she’d ever been able to trust anyone, and he lied to her. For years. She didn’t know how to reconcile it. She didn’t know what to do about any of it.
Coming up on Joel’s house, Ellie could hear the familiar pickings of a guitar and see the light from his front porch. Taking a deep breath, Ellie still didn’t know what she wanted to say, or how this was going to go. But she was here, and that meant something. She had to tell herself that. The guitar sounds stopped as she stepped onto the lit porch, Joel’s voice was quiet and questioning. Neither one of them knew where this was going to go...
“Hey…”